rate_review Reviews

Okay, here's the review I promised. Characterization was nice, and the descriptions were nice as well. No real problem with grammar and spelling save for a few inevitable mistakes we all make. Liked the mystery, and the whole "the weather is crazier than we thought" has been a favorite of mine for apocalyptic preludes forever; people simply go "Oh, better hurry with preparations" but are still assaulted even in their most fortified state; although it could just be a faster-than-usual-but-still regular storm.

Dialogue was good, if a bit typical to the types relationships; responses, jokes and so on. But real-world relationships can be like that just as easily.

Final answer: enjoyable and entertaining; that's all that really matters in a story...well, there's more, but rational and like-minded people don't need to go in depth, as if explaining it to those who don't know how to really write ;)

Gosh this is one of those stories that I already love to death. It almost seems a shame that it may include smut in later chapters because it's one of those stories where the writing is good and the plot is pretty good so the short coming has to be the sex...oh god let it not be the sex.....I'll admit I would keep reading even if the smut was shit it just wouldn't be the same though. Please keep writing I am in love with your description style.

Overall an excellent chapter, it wasn't rushed and it wasn't drawn out. It all flowed rather nicely and I can tell that this was probably something you spent a lot of time on. Below are a couple of comments and suggestions that I made while reading. I kinda took note of things as I read so this header here actually came after all of the following, so think of it as a sort of preamble and general review of the piece in its entirety. Keep up the good work Iruni, I hope to see more.
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I got to the point where your OC is trying to free the sneasel and I find one thing particularly irking.

"“Karros, come with me.” Iruni and Karros made their way back to the trapped Sneasel, who wasted no time in showing her gratitude for them returning. “Karros, crouch down next to the tree and wait for the word. Now Sneasel, this might hurt a bit, but we’re going to try and be as careful as possible. It will be all over in a few seconds, alright?” At the nod from her, Iruni steadied her by placing his right harm behind her back, and gave the order. I could get in a lot of trouble in anyone from the League saw this. “Karros, Strength! But keep it gentle, try not to hurt her.” Using such moves outside of battle without the proper Gym Badge requirement could mean the revocation of his Trainer’s license, but no other option remained at this point."

To me, this makes no sense at all. Many people may not become trainers in their life time and yet will own pokemon. What if, say, you have an emergency and you work with a rescue force. Say you also needed Strength to get someone out from a rock slide, a fallen piece of lumber in a burning house, ect. This league restriction would prevent such attempts due to it being illegal. If you were a firefighter with a Geodude, which can learn Strength, and you had never went on the league circuit because you were never interested, you would not be able to save people from falling burning timbers because you did not have the corresponding gym badge.

I suggest you try and find a better method of explaining your laws to us the readers, because what you currently have is a bit dangerous, especially if its applied to absolutely everyone. Try to answer these questions: Does the restriction apply to only trainers on their journey's? Can it be revoked in the event that you are of a type of job that may need such skills as Strength?

Think about all the jobs and positions that would require HMs and hopefully you'll see where your rule is flawed, or at least needs a little more explanation.
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I also noticed a couple of grammatical errors too, one was he's when I think it should have been, he'd. Another was coul when it should have been could. Those are just small things though, nothing too major, something to fix in your spare time.
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the part where he wakes up in the pokemon center with Sneasel was very d'aww.
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"The Sneasel crawled over to the human’s side of the strange soft square, and looked at his sleeping face. His long hair was draping over most of his face, and he wore a truly relaxed expression. Why did this human save me? Why was he out in that storm? Did he hear my calls for help? The questioning creature noticed the bandage over his left hand, stained red. He saved me, risked that storm for me… and I attacked him…I didn’t mean to…I was scared…I thought he was going to hurt me…What if he’s mad at me…I didn’t mean to bite him… She carefully moved closer to the sleeping human so as to not wake him. She sidled up close to his face and licked his cheek.

“Thank you for saving me…and I’m sorry for biting you…” Sneasel soon fell asleep under his arm, enjoying the flow of warmth from his body to hers."

When I read that...next thing I knew I was all watery eyed and tearing up...masterful...no other story has yet to do this to me here yet...and yours is the first. Congratulations on playing my heart like a violin sir, you have successfully won me over as a reader. I could learn much from this scene, especially for Silver Wings.
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On that note, I'll catch you later.

Again, another good chapter good sir, I am enthralled, yes, indeed I am. Nothing particularly wrong with it that I could see off hand, your first person narrative worked well but seemed a bit hard to get into at first, I'm not exactly sure why. However once I got absorbed into what was going on I forgot about it entirely and just got pulled along. That's about all I can say really. There are a couple of allusions I can make based on what minor details I know from Equilibrium and what Skyler has been kind enough to give me, but I won't go into them. Below is a section I that I think gives away my thoughts since I know some about his characters and what they use within their teams. Other than that, great work and keep it up.
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"Although my team’s identities were lost on me, two of them stood out against the crowd. One, a four-legged beast, seemed to be fending off a large yellow creature, which seemed to be deflecting its flames with naught much effort. The other that I could see, was fighting a large creature of green and white to a near standstill with deadly efficient swipes of its ivory claws. The regal creature matched the taller opponent blow for blow against its large green blades."

holy shit...that's all I'm going to say...holy...shit.
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Catch you later.

Thoroughly enjoyable chapter, this is shaping up to be quite the tale.

Also

"Avalanche conditions. Snow on top of ice = avalanche hazard."
Sounds like an absolute blast, can I get a chopper drop onto it? :D

This looks promising. Do continue.

I figured I'd chip in as you are a beginning writer like me. Overall I'd say a fantastic start. You have strong characters and the sibling relationship between Iruni and his sister is quite humorous. You described yourself well, but then from me that's not hard to do as I believe all my descriptions lacking. I liked how eccentric the mysterious man was, quick to do things and quick to get out of town. I feel I know who he is though, but i won't say. His whole persona reminded me of some speedy and happy go lucky guy that just felt it was the right time to help someone, his whole obsession with time also seemed to add to his character. Well done.

Now for my bit of criticism. I feel that as you got towards the end of this chapter, you rushed. The chapter started out good with plenty of interaction and description, but that petered out towards the end. Mostly the last couple of paragraphs were like this. I wish I could explain myself further but its difficult as I can only say that I was left with a rather blase feeling. I didn't stop reading though, and that's what counts the most. However I recommend that you go back and flesh it out a little in some way. It's up to you, this all could just be me imagining things anyway.

Either way, I wil continue to read and chip in as best I can. Keep going! :D

I'll catch you later.