schedule
January 24, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Too short, but nicely smutty. Maybe you could do a series of girls knocked up by their Pokemon.
SailorNemesis
SailorNemesis
schedule
January 22, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Hmm. Where to begin?
Well, since you apparently just began writing, I hope you don't mind if I give you a few tips. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I frequently I do come across just like that.
Anyway, first, the formatting. I suggest you use the Enter key a few more times. Having blank lines between dialogue and paragraphs just makes the whole thing look a little more neat, making everything easier on the eyes.
Going more in-depth, from the title and your profile page, I believe the main turn-on for you in this fic is that May's pregnant. Fair enough. However, you introduce her pregnancy quickly, almost glancing over the fact before moving on. I think it would've been better if, after the 'fuck my pregnant pussy!' exclamation revealing May's pregnancy, you would've spent some time describing her. Describe to us how she feels about her pregnancy, how (or if) her feelings changed over the months, describe how she looks, whatever. Just take a moment to really sell the reader on the idea that her being pregnant is sexy.
On a more technical note, there are a few points where you describe something happening, then have May tell us what happens. This repitition just seems clunky and unneccesary. For example:
[May] could tell Blaziken was about to cum as well.
"You're gonna cum, aren't you?"
May doesn't have to tell us that, because we already know. The last line already told us. Don't have May restate what you already told us, just have her react to it (in this case by shouting "Do it inside me!").
So, with all that unpleasantness out of the way, I will say that you show promise. If you just keep working at it, I think you'll improve. Keep writing, even if they are just simple little sex scenes with very little context, and then, one day, you will look back to this ficlet and cringe. ;)
Well, since you apparently just began writing, I hope you don't mind if I give you a few tips. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I frequently I do come across just like that.
Anyway, first, the formatting. I suggest you use the Enter key a few more times. Having blank lines between dialogue and paragraphs just makes the whole thing look a little more neat, making everything easier on the eyes.
Going more in-depth, from the title and your profile page, I believe the main turn-on for you in this fic is that May's pregnant. Fair enough. However, you introduce her pregnancy quickly, almost glancing over the fact before moving on. I think it would've been better if, after the 'fuck my pregnant pussy!' exclamation revealing May's pregnancy, you would've spent some time describing her. Describe to us how she feels about her pregnancy, how (or if) her feelings changed over the months, describe how she looks, whatever. Just take a moment to really sell the reader on the idea that her being pregnant is sexy.
On a more technical note, there are a few points where you describe something happening, then have May tell us what happens. This repitition just seems clunky and unneccesary. For example:
[May] could tell Blaziken was about to cum as well.
"You're gonna cum, aren't you?"
May doesn't have to tell us that, because we already know. The last line already told us. Don't have May restate what you already told us, just have her react to it (in this case by shouting "Do it inside me!").
So, with all that unpleasantness out of the way, I will say that you show promise. If you just keep working at it, I think you'll improve. Keep writing, even if they are just simple little sex scenes with very little context, and then, one day, you will look back to this ficlet and cringe. ;)
schedule
January 22, 2011 at 12:00 AM
hey great job even if it was short
do more may stories and larger
do more may stories and larger