schedule
April 17, 2020 at 12:00 AM
I love the idea of a dominant tsurara. Too bad you never continued this
schedule
January 22, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I've certainly enjoyed the first chapter. It's sexy and playful, and I think you especially nailed Tsurara's character. I look forward to reading more whenever you post it.
That said, I do have a few concerns. First, in the opening paragraph, Tsukune saves Moka from some guy (a student of Yokai, or a former alum - either way, a monster) by beating him up. If this is manga-Tsukune, I don't think he had his ghoul power during the School Festival. If he did, my mistake, though this raises the question of whether this story belongs in the Manga section of this site instead; I myself am none too clear on the rules for where one should post anime & manga fanfiction. The reason I bring this up: anime-Tsukune couldn't beat up a monster guy, not even the really lame ones (like the umbrella, blob, and long-neck trio). It'd make more sense for him to have done the whole "release Inner Moka and she teaches her opponent his/her place in 'a mere _______ seconds'" song-and-dance.
Second, I'm not a fan of the use of the Japanese honorifics throughout. You used them fairly consistently, so that's good, and I think you used them correctly, which is also good; it's just that I'm personally not a fan of English-language translations or fanfics using them in general. In fanfics particularly, they've always struck me as a little... I dunno, out of place?... and a little pretentious too. I admit that this reaction is totally an emotional response on my part and that it impels me to suggest removing them; if you choose not to, I'll definitely respect your decision as a fellow artist and I'll still read further installments of the story.
Third, there are a fair few punctuation issues - some missing periods at the ends of sentences, among other things. I teach English composition, so I can't help but notice things like that. You actually did pretty well overall, especially since you lacked a beta reader. Also, don't get discouraged by having made these mistakes - even someone like me needs someone else to comb over a piece of writing to help find and fix mistakes (as well as bounce ideas off of). If you still need a beta reader, please contact me - I'd be delighted to help you polish your fine story. :D
You're quite right that Tsurara and Ageha don't get enough love in fanfics, so you're bringing something fresh and interesting to this section of the site. I encourage you to keep up the good work!
That said, I do have a few concerns. First, in the opening paragraph, Tsukune saves Moka from some guy (a student of Yokai, or a former alum - either way, a monster) by beating him up. If this is manga-Tsukune, I don't think he had his ghoul power during the School Festival. If he did, my mistake, though this raises the question of whether this story belongs in the Manga section of this site instead; I myself am none too clear on the rules for where one should post anime & manga fanfiction. The reason I bring this up: anime-Tsukune couldn't beat up a monster guy, not even the really lame ones (like the umbrella, blob, and long-neck trio). It'd make more sense for him to have done the whole "release Inner Moka and she teaches her opponent his/her place in 'a mere _______ seconds'" song-and-dance.
Second, I'm not a fan of the use of the Japanese honorifics throughout. You used them fairly consistently, so that's good, and I think you used them correctly, which is also good; it's just that I'm personally not a fan of English-language translations or fanfics using them in general. In fanfics particularly, they've always struck me as a little... I dunno, out of place?... and a little pretentious too. I admit that this reaction is totally an emotional response on my part and that it impels me to suggest removing them; if you choose not to, I'll definitely respect your decision as a fellow artist and I'll still read further installments of the story.
Third, there are a fair few punctuation issues - some missing periods at the ends of sentences, among other things. I teach English composition, so I can't help but notice things like that. You actually did pretty well overall, especially since you lacked a beta reader. Also, don't get discouraged by having made these mistakes - even someone like me needs someone else to comb over a piece of writing to help find and fix mistakes (as well as bounce ideas off of). If you still need a beta reader, please contact me - I'd be delighted to help you polish your fine story. :D
You're quite right that Tsurara and Ageha don't get enough love in fanfics, so you're bringing something fresh and interesting to this section of the site. I encourage you to keep up the good work!