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schedule
March 7, 2015 at 12:00 AM
By the look of it this is your first piece here on the site which I understand is very hard to write so let me say well done for that. Still lets get start with the good points of your story.
The idea is solid after all not all prisons are full of law abiding guards and we don't get any adult fiction about Yukio in this situation.Details about the characters and place are starting to shine through which allow the readers to imagine the situation making it more real and nothing seem to unrealistic here with the sexual parts.The bad however is there are a few sentences that seem rushed like, 'He fell on top of her and only after many minutes slipped out of her and blood and cum started to flow down her thighs onto the sheets.' When you could have written it as. He fell on top of her with one last loud moan of pleasure before quickly slipping out of her. Allowing blood and cum from Lucy's abused vagina to start trickle down her milky white thighs like sap from a tree to the dirty prison bed sheets which she lay upon.
Also the story just feels rushed like we jump to the action to quick. Build up to the action I say. People with power enjoy tormenting and teasing their targets as they know they can do nothing to stop them. All in all good start thought and I wish you luck on your next piece.
The idea is solid after all not all prisons are full of law abiding guards and we don't get any adult fiction about Yukio in this situation.Details about the characters and place are starting to shine through which allow the readers to imagine the situation making it more real and nothing seem to unrealistic here with the sexual parts.The bad however is there are a few sentences that seem rushed like, 'He fell on top of her and only after many minutes slipped out of her and blood and cum started to flow down her thighs onto the sheets.' When you could have written it as. He fell on top of her with one last loud moan of pleasure before quickly slipping out of her. Allowing blood and cum from Lucy's abused vagina to start trickle down her milky white thighs like sap from a tree to the dirty prison bed sheets which she lay upon.
Also the story just feels rushed like we jump to the action to quick. Build up to the action I say. People with power enjoy tormenting and teasing their targets as they know they can do nothing to stop them. All in all good start thought and I wish you luck on your next piece.
schedule
March 7, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Perhaps you can make one with Erza.