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The Birds and the Bees	By : Lexie Category: Rurouni Kenshin > General Views: 5909 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Title: The Birds and the Bees

Author: Lexie

Summary: Sano explains the facts of life to Yahiko and all hell breaks loose.

Rating: NC-17

Pairing(s): Sano/Kaoru

Feedback: desired

Characters: Most major characters from Rurouni Kenshin.

Betas: none

Author�s notes: I don't know what made me come up with this premise--I think I was inspired by an After School Special or something, but I hope you are amused!

*Disclaimer: Didn't create or own any of the characters mentioned above, and am definitely not making any money off this.
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THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

Sano was lounging lazily at the foot of a shady tree, he and Yahiko just having
finished their lunch. They were at their favorite fishing hole, enjoying a beautiful
summer afternoon. Sano, remnants of a fish skeleton sticking out of his mouth,
opened one eye to look quizzically at Yahiko, who was sitting quietly a few
feet away with his back turned to him.

Funny, he thought. I usually can't get the kid to shut up, but he's been quiet
as a mouse all morning. What's with him? Oh well, better enjoy the peace and
quiet while I can. He closed his eye and set about the strenuous task of taking
a nap.

Not even a minute had gone by when he heard Yahiko's small voice say, "Sano-san...?"

"Wha-at?" Sano wearily sighed out, eyes still closed. When there
was no response, he opened an eye to see what was going on.

Yahiko had turned to face him, wearing an expression of utter dejection. He
also looked as if he might cry, which made Sano roll his eye and sit up. "What?
What is it? You look like someone just told you the samurais never existed or
something." Draping his arms across his raised knees, he waited.

"S-Sano, I think I'm...sick," Yahiko finally said, eyes downcast
and trying hard not to cry.

"Eh? Whaddaya mean, do you want to throw up or something?" Sano
began casting about for a suitable spot for Yahiko to do his business.

"No, I don't mean that kind of sick. I mean...I don't know what I mean,
I don't know what's going on! I think I have some kind of disease or something!"
Tears welled in Yahiko's eyes, and he looked at Sano with a desperation he'd
never seen before.

Sano, suddenly very concerned, sat up and reached out to put a hand on the
boy's shoulder. "Whoa, kid, take it easy. Just tell me what's going on,
all right?"

Swallowing back his tears, Yahiko nodded and said haltingly, "Th...The
past few mornings, when I wake up, there been all this...weird stuff in my pants.
I think...I think it's coming out of my um...you-know-what. Have you ever heard
of anything like this?"

Upon hearing this confession, Sano looked up to the heavens and silently asked
himself, Why me? What have I done in my past life to deserve this?

"Um...Yahiko," he said. "You're not gonna die. You're fine,
don't worry about it." He hoped that that would be enough and leaned back
against the tree, whistling a desperate little tune between his lips. Please,
please PLEASE don't ask me any more questions! Of course, this was an impossibility.

"Huh? What? Why? What is it? How do you know?" Yahiko peppered Sano,
rising to his knees and getting in his face.

"Hey, hey! Jeez! All right, all right, I'll explain it to you! Just get
your ugly mug away from me...sheesh." Sano squinted his eyes at Yahiko,
trying to formulate a proper explanation.

After noisily clearing his throat, he began, "Well. Yahiko. What's been
happening to you...just means...that you're now...a man. Yes, a man. That's
what you are now." Sano felt very pleased with his turn of phrase, and
smiled benignly at Yahiko.

"It is?" Yahiko sounded even more confused than before. He was trying
to reconcile the wet stickiness in his pants with being a man. It wasn't working.
"How?"

"Dammit, didn't living with all those gangsters teach you anything about
sex?" Sano cried out, frustrated.

"Sex? You mean fucking? Oh yeah, I saw those guys do it all the time,"
Yahiko said innocently, mystified by Sano's gaping look.

"You...you saw people having sex?"

"Oh yeah, like dogs! Those guys always had a bunch of chicks around and
they'd be touching their boobs and taking them back to their rooms to make a
lot of disgusting noises. They told me they were fucking." Yahiko's round
brown eyes blinked up at Sano, whose face had now gone from shock to disgust.

"Well, Yahiko, some people do call it...fucking, but not all.
It has many names, and most people prefer to call it by more pleasant names.
But that's not what's important. It's the biological facts we're concerned with
here...Yes, let's see...the facts...*Harrumph* the "weird stuff" you
found in your pants is called semen, and it's what makes babies."

"What?" Yahiko yelled, as shocked as if Sano had told him people
hatched out of eggs. "That's crazy! Women make babies!" His eyes went
involuntarily to his crotch, however, as if he could somehow divine the mystery
of this new ability.

"Yahiko, would I make something like this up? I'm telling you the god's
honest truth, warrior to warrior, OK?"

"OK..."

"All right, so shut up for a while and listen. Yes, the woman carries
the baby, but that baby can't happen till a man puts his semen into
her. You, now being able to produce semen, is a man. Got it
so far?" Sano looked at Yahiko carefully, hoping his words were pratirating.

"Yeah, I guess...but how does the man put the semen in the woman?"

Ah, the question of the day, thought Sano, his mind reviewing a highlights
reel of the bevy of beauties and not-quite-so-beauties he'd bedded in the past.
There was the wealthy widow who'd rid his teenage delivery boy body of his virginity,
then the chaste-seeming wife of a gambler who'd gone down on him like a whore,
and the merchant's daughter in Yokohama who'd had the most delightful birthmark
right on her...

"Sano!" Yahiko yelled, wondering why Sano's eyes had suddenly glazed
over.

"Huh? Wha...oh! Yeah, the semen into the woman, yeah...don't worry, I
didn't forget. I was just making sure I was wording it right for your little
pea-brain. Well, when a man and woman get together and they start...to like
each other, the man's...er..."

"Dick?" Yahiko helpfully supplied.

"Yes, thank you, his dick gets hard and big." Boy does it
ever, thought Sano. "It gets that way because he has to put it into the
woman to deliver his semen into her, and he can't do it if his dick's all soft
and limp, got it?" Well, some people's are soft and limp, Sano
thought, sniggering inside. He'd been given many compliments on his manhood's
prowess over the years and he had to admit that they were all true.

"Hmm, ok...but then how does the semen come out of the dick?"

How? Oh there are so many delectable ways, thought Sano, his brain about to
turn on the highlights reel again when he suddenly put the brakes on. Better
not get into all that with the kid. I don't want that Battousai and Kaoru to
accuse me of corrupting him before his time. Hmm, now that Kaoru has a nice
little body on her, wonder what that fiery little hellcat is like in bed...

"Sano! Stop spacing out and finish the damn story!"

"All right, all right! Just gimme a break, will ya?" After a emitting
a little snort of exasperation, Sano continued. "The man moves his dick
in and out of the woman and then the semen comes out. That's it. The end. Good
night. Do you get it now? It's a completely natural process and your little
"problem" should go away in a little while. In the meantime, just
keep an extra set of shorts handy, OK?"

"Wait, that's it? But how does the man know how many times to move it
in and out?" Yahiko's eyebrows were still knit in confusion.

"Believe me, you'll know," Sano replied dryly. Were all kids this
stupid nowadays? Whatever happened to good ole self-exploration?

"So I can stick my dick in a woman now and she can have a baby?"
The disgust and fascination were both evident on his round little face.

"Technically, yes, but it's probably not a good idea to start today. You
usually wait till you find a girl you like who likes you back, who's willing
to have your dick inside her, and that's probably not gonna happen to you for
another oh...ten years or so. At least. So you got nothing to worry about, OK?
Now will you please let me sleep?" Sano, drained from the experience, leaned
back against the tree once more, vowing never to have children.

"Well, OK, Sano. Thanks for your help, I guess..." Yahiko said, turning
back around to face the water again. "So that's what fucking is..."
Sano heard the last comment and had to grin. Yeah, I guess that's fucking, kid,
but you have no idea what else you're missing out on, no idea at all...

In the theater of his mind, the lights had gone dark anda most interesting
movie was beginning to play. He was the leading man, of course, and his co-star
was an amazingly flexible Chinese acrobat he'd met a few years back who had
the most astonishing ability to...
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The Birds and the Bees