I Couldn't Move On

UPDATE: 06-29-05 It\'s been many months since I posted this fanfic prior to the server moving faux pas. I\'m in process of finally correcting everything tonight! For those who\'ve read it the first time all cut up and unfinished...please re-read it again. As now it\'ll be back up and running smoothly...hopefully. ^_^*

Disclaimer: All rights to the Full Metal Panic! story and characters belong to Shouji Gatou. The following fanfiction does not represent the thoughts and views of the creator or the site this story is hosted on, and is not written for profit.

Author’s Notes: The timeline of this fic takes place a little over a year after Sousuke and Kaname had to part ways after the battle with Gauron. By technicality, I have both of the main characters around the ages of eighteen since they were sixteen at the beginning. Taking information from both the series and Fumoffu, I’ve found that at least six to eight months had expired during the course of events in the actual storyline. Therefore, it’s most likely that they had eventually turned seventeen at some point in time and the series just never really elaborated (or skipped over it).
I must also note a spoiler warning. The characters tend to flashback or mention certain aspects from both the series and Fumoffu in order to pull examples of current reasoning. Therefore, if you haven’t seen both series versions and you’re an anti-spoiler fanatic, I’d recommend not reading this.

One last thing: This is my first attempt at fan fiction. I’m mostly an original story writer, but I enjoyed FMP so much that I was tempted to play with this fic as a writing exercise. I’ve also never written a lemon fic, so this is going to be a learning experience from both directions. Constructive criticism is welcomed, though the notes will be used for future things I write. This is pretty much an exercise that I won’t pick up again unless there are some seriously fatal flaws in it that reek havoc upon the masses.

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I Couldn’t Move On

“Ahh…I give up. I think I’ve fried my brain royally this time,” closing the textbook on Physics, Kaname gave a heavy sigh and gently put her head down to take a quick break from studying. It was her final year in High School, and she’d soon be taking the exams to determine which college she would end up in. Naturally she wanted to try and achieve the dream of going to a prestigious school, but that would depend upon her exam grades.

Just on her desk sat a couple picture frames of photos she had collected a little over a year ago. The party on the Danaan performing karaoke with Tessa, a group photo of Sousuke and his war comrades Kurz and Melissa. There was another scrapbook of printed out digital photos that Kyouko had put together after Sousuke left the school. Lord only knew how many times she brought it out to take a quick glance and reminisce about those crazy days with the military nutcase. But after all was said and done, no matter how many times she tried beating him to a pulp, there was the undeniable fact that she really cared for him. It was sad, because at the same time Tessa was declaring her challenge openly with Kaname, and that led to too many mixed emotions of give and take with the Mithril captain. Unfortunately, she felt sympathetic to Tessa’s situations, and thought it best that Sousuke be the one to comfort her after some of the Danaan’s soldiers fell. It was probably the most emotional time anyone on that ship ever had, including Sousuke.
It took a while for the thought to sink in that he wasn’t coming back to school. Kaname couldn’t tell her classmates the real truth, especially Kyouko, which made it harder because she didn’t have anyone to confide her real feelings on the subject. In a way, Kyouko was especially bummed since she could no longer take photos of her favorite classmate now that he was gone and no longer planting landmines in the restricted zones of school. But the main factor was also because she saw in Sousuke something that just seemed to click with Kaname. It was apparent that she was the one to tip off Sousuke about going out on that date her with upper classman from Junior High. In either case, she felt helpless when her best friend was moping around school for the first month her Senior year. Kaname tried her best to smile all the time, but her best friend knew way better than that. In fact, the entire class was constantly asking her if she was okay about it.

“I’m just fine!” their class representative would retort back stubbornly, “I’m glad he’s gone! Now I can finally get some peace and quiet without having to clean up after his messes!”

“But, Chidori-sa-“

“I said I’m fine, Kazama-kun!” the fire in her eyes intensifying as she stared him down. Then, like a light switch, she’d compose herself and act as though nothing had been mentioned, “Now as far as the festival plans go, I was thinking our class could sponsor an okinomiyaki booth this year.”

It was pointless trying to debate with her any further on the subject; though it was amazing at how much Sousuke actually rubbed off on her even after he left. On occasion you’d see her eyeing her locker if a previous person had opened it up to hand her a letter. She also seemed to pick up an uncanny knowledge of pistols and weaponry that Sousuke always brought with him to class. It was also funny to watch her casually mention a ‘more efficient’ way of completing a task that somehow involved a more aggressive approach than required. Yet, she’d turn right around and note that she wasn’t as crazy as that “explosives wielding military maniac.” It was apparent to everyone that she had it bad for him, and just couldn’t come to terms with admitting her feelings.

“Maybe I’m only fooling myself,” she sighed, putting down the picture as she thought back on all of these playful accusations of her classmates, “Though it’s not like I pine over him, geez!”

To some credit, she was right. After a few months went by, school had slammed her so hard with work and responsibilities that she didn’t have the time to angst over a troubled heart. Strength of character was also an important aspect to living by herself; and she was sure that Sousuke would lose respect for her if she spent her entire school year depressed that he was gone. Kaname was pretty certain that he wasn’t thinking much of her anyway while on his other missions this year. It wasn’t really a strong characteristic for that guy to think about feelings much, even his own.
But her fondest memories of him were moments that she had never experienced before. Deep under that rigid, straight-laced exterior was a guy who had a sense of appreciation and respect for Kaname as an equal and a partner on the field. In the most unlikely of circumstances, Sousuke was forced to put his full trust into her to succeed in times that were deemed near impossible. To him, this was a trust unmatched by anything he had given before. When his fight with Gauron ended, he was finally able to take Kaname to a secret place where he got away from it all. It was a gesture to show that with her, he could do anything. That alone meant more to Kaname than he probably realized near the end. When Kaname went back to Tokyo, Sousuke made her promise to write to him for the cursory reason of knowing she was still safe.

“Typical Sousuke…” she smiled as she poked his face in the group picture. This reminded her that it was her turn to write back to him, as his last reply was a detailed report on all the minute aspects he was ‘authorized’ to talk about. While his letters were probably the driest written material on the face of this planet, it was still his letter. In a sick, sadistic way, she found reading his letters both aggravatingly boring and insanely interesting all at once.

“I wonder what I should write to him about this time,” she thought out loud as she walked to the kitchen to make herself some instant ramen at two in the morning, “Not much else has happened lately. If I told him that Issei-kun has been asking me out a lot lately he might get the urge to challenge the guy to another death match.” The expression on her face remembering the day the Full Monty Virus being exposed at school was something she’d probably never forget. Mizuki was practically trying to rape Tsubaki before she left this world. That girl refused to die a virgin.

“She’s almost as bad as Kurz,” Kaname grumbled as she slurped up some ramen and sat back down at her desk, “But that still doesn’t give me an idea on what to write about.”

In all honesty she hated writing to him. She felt pressured to keep things in check whenever she replied back. It was obvious he couldn’t return to Tokyo because the military was his life. Wherever the missions went, he went without question. It was a little aggravating that Sousuke never really did anything on his own accord that wasn’t in direct connection to his ‘orders’. There were many times when his actions blurred the line between duty and personal interest; but his personal interests, more often than not, were in direct relation with his duties. It was nearly impossible to tell what the real intentions behind his actions were like.

So what could she write to him about, if it couldn’t be the truth?

“Kana-chan!”

“Hm? Oh, hi Kyouko.”

“Writing a letter to Sagara-san?”

“Mm,” she tapped her pen against her cheek as she tried to think of what to talk about. It was in the middle of a class break at school, and she figured she’d try to sneak the letter into this sacred free time she was given so infrequently now.

“Why don’t you write him a love letter?”

There was a long paused before Kaname dropped her pen and gave her best friend a look of fear, “K-Kyouko! I can’t do that!”

“But you want to, right?”

“It doesn’t matter if I want to or not. Besides, that’s none of your business!”

At this point, Kyouko knew Kaname’s guise was blown, “I don’t know why you’re acting so tough about it, Kaname. Don’t you like him?”

That typical, wicked laugh came from Kaname in response was signaling a red flag for “I’m trying to act like nothing’s wrong.” Eventually she stopped and finally composed a serious expression on her face, “It’s not that. It’s just that I can’t tell him.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not something I’m sure he’d want to deal with…or even can for that matter. I mean, I honestly don’t think the feeling is mutual. I don’t want to burden him with a childish crush. It’s better for the both of us if we just keep our distance.”

Kyouko frowned at her answer, “You were never like this back when he was still around. I mean, sometimes you got depressed when he didn’t notice all the extra efforts you made to look nice around him, but I’m pretty sure he did, he just doesn’t know how to voice his opinions. You should have seen him at the beach when you went for tea with that Masatami kid. He was really worried about you.”

“Worried about me? Or worried about me because it was his mission?”

“Kana-chan! I can’t believe you! He was really worried about you! Especially when you started acting weird the day Fuwa-senpai asked you out on a date.”

“Which you told him about,” she glared at Kyouko for spilling the beans. Eventually the expression softened, “Though if he hadn’t been there, who knows what would have happened.”

“I really think you should just tell him how you feel. It’s not like he’s around to make an ordeal about it. I’m sure he won’t say anything about it to other people, and he’s moved out of the country. You’re pretty much safe to tell him anything you want without having to feel embarrassed,” during this time, she pulled out her pink digital camera to take a picture of Kaname hovering over the blank stationary before continuing, “If not that, there are other ways of telling a person how you feel without being obvious but still being direct. Sometimes less is more. Tell him something you know he’ll be able to logistically understand, even if he doesn’t realize the full meaning behind it.”

That put a smile on her friend’s face, “Yeah. Maybe I could try that.”

She thought hard on those words that Kyouko shared with her a few days ago. Sitting on her bed, she rolled the gerbil ball with her toes as she continued to stare at Sousuke’s picture.

Something I know that he’ll logistically understand, even if he doesn’t realize the full meaning behind it? What would be those words?

Setting the picture down, she continued to roll the ball with her toes for a while, seriously contemplating those ‘few words’ that would get the message across.

I should just be honest with him. Besides, what could he possibly do a half a world away? There’s no harm in just telling him. He probably wouldn’t understand anyway.

One last sigh came from her lips before the words finally formed in her head. Indeed they were simple. But they were to the point, and finally she was being honest with herself in writing them. Getting up, she sat back down at her desk, grabbed a pen, and began to write the words carefully down on the stationary. It took her no more than ten seconds to script the contents of her letter. When she put it in the envelope, sealed it, stamped it, and finally addressed it, a huge weight lifted from her mind. By now it was nearly three thirty in the morning, and she was exhausted.

“Guess I’ll mail it mail it in the morning,” she said proudly as a smile came upon her face before shutting the light in her bedroom. Sliding away the sheets, she slipped into bed, grabbed her Bonta-kun plush, and then snuggled away the worries as she let sleep pull her in for the remainder of the night.

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