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To Die	By : Raincloud Category: Sailor Moon > General Views: 857 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-To Die
- 2-Coming Too
- 1
- 2
To Die

By Niamh, formerly known as Keiko Nakamoto

Disclaimer:
I don't own Sailormoon. I�m not affiliated in any way with anyone who does own
Sailormoon. I am a mere fan writing for other fans.

Notes:
I stumbled across this story, which I originally wrote for ff.net years ago,
and decided to rework it. It�s not sexual in nature, but it does include some
shojo ai and a rather graphic suicide, so I guess it fits here alright. Anyway,
it�s short and intentionally rambling. Most suicidal people I�ve met tend to
ramble when they talk about death.

~ # ~

Death has always been a word heavy laden with fear, anger, and sadness. To die
is an action involving loss of life. Nothing more. Just something painfully
simple. One minute you�re here, the next you�re nothing more than an empty
shell.

To
pass away is a gentler way of saying 'to die'. But really, how can one try to
soften death? I�d say that's as foolish as challenging God Himself. Death�s
very nature is harsh. It�s the end. There�s nothing calm or poetic about it,
yet humans, the foolish creatures, continue to romanticize it. I�ll never
understand.

So
why, why do we continue living if it all leads to death in the end? You know, I
have no clue how some people can go on, knowing that everything they do is
useless, meaningless, pointless. Barely a scratch in some infinite time.

"Hey green eyes, what are you moping about, now?" Seiya said, sitting
down next to me. I hadn�t even heard her come in. She and Taiki had been
grocery shopping. More time had passed than I�d realised. I glared at her,
pushing myself off the couch.

"Nothing." I hissed angrily. My personal thoughts were none of her
business. Not that she really cared, anyway. All she ever thought about was
that blonde ditz. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she related everything I
said to the Moon Princess. She blinked at me in confusion.

"Right..." she said, rolling her eyes. "Nothing�s wrong. You�re
just sitting here staring at the wall with a frown thinking happy thoughts! You
didn�t answer when I called because you were so absorbed in daydreams about
rainbows that you didn�t hear me. Stop lying, Yaten. What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong!" I growled, turning to walk away. The sarcasm in
the blue eyed girl�s voice hurt me more than I liked to admit. Was she so
blind? Couldn�t she see how I felt about her?

"Yaten, wait." Seiya said just as I reached my door. I turned and
glared at her again. She sighed. "Please. What's wrong?"

"Why the hell do you think there's always something wrong?" I spat
with as much venom as I could muster, turning to face her. She had stood up and
was about to follow me. �And even if there is, what makes you think I want to
talk to you about it?�

She
looked surprised.

"Look Yaten, I just wanted to know if I could help..." she said,
raising her hands in front of her and backing away a step.

"Just...leave me alone." I said with a sigh. She left and I retreated
to my room and to my thoughts.

Suicide, the act of taking one's own life. Taking one's own life? I don't see
how you can take a life. It's illogical. You can eliminate a life, not take it.
Taking is the act of acquiring something by removing it from someone or
something else's possession. If you take something it must be something that
you can keep. You can't keep a taken life. Once life is eliminated, it cannot
be retrieved. Some people believe in reincarnation but I think that's a load of
shit. Once you die, you're gone. Forever. No ifs, buts or maybes. Gone.

I
sighed.

And once a person is gone, they are eventually forgotten. It is for this reason
that no one can truly make a 'difference'. There are a few who are still
remembered, but they were history makers, and nowadays there isn't that same
kind of history to be made. There isn't a place on this planet that hasn't been
inhabited, and that only really leaves arts or inventions. Inventors are
forgotten. For example, do you remember the name of the man or woman that
invented the fork? Or how about the person who invented books with covers and
paper pages with ink letters on them? Sure, some people might know, but only a
select few.

The Arts. Music, literature, art itself. These are near impossible to become
truly famous in. A few are remembered and celebrated for a long time, but most
fade away. Leonardo DaVinci, Beethoven, Shakespeare.
Men from Earth. You know who they are as well as I do, but think of the
millions of painters, musicians, and authors you've never heard of and never
will hear of. There are millions. So you have to be truly fortunate to make a
real difference. I was not one of those people who would ever make any
difference.

One of the only other reasons that people continue living is for others, for
love. What a joke. No one truly loved me. Not Seiya, not Taiki, not Kakyuu, not
Minako, not even Usagi with her big heart could love me. I loved so many but it
made no difference. I was not loved. I would be forgotten. Seiya would forget
me. So I pulled the delicate knife out from under my mattress and slid onto the
floor beside my bed.

The cold silver blade shone in the dim light as I set it down beside me. I
tugged my sleeves up past my elbows and gazed at the thin white scars
crisscrossing my arms. I had been cutting myself nightly for the past year but
no one had noticed. I suppose it wasn�t their fault as I kept well covered, but
it still hurt. No one knew. I�d wager Seiya suspected, Kakyuu as well, but they
didn�t go out of their way to find out. They suspected but they didn�t care.

I
picked the knife up again and drew a quick breath as I firmly slid the blade
across my wrist. I watched in fascination as my red blood seeped out of the
wound. I always wondered why I bled red. I had met members of many other races
from planets across the universe and only two planets had creatures that bled
red: Kinmoku and Earth. What made us different?

I
dug the blade into my other wrist. The blood fell, instantly staining my white
carpet. I noticed the flow slowing on my right wrist. Clearly I hadn�t cut deep
enough. This was not to be another of my usual sessions. This was the end. I
attacked my wrist with the knife, revealing the bone. If that didn�t do it,
nothing would. I set the knife down on my bed.

I
watched my own blood leave me for a few minutes when I began to feel faint.
Alone, I crumpled to the floor, blood splattering all over me and the room as
my arms hit the ground. My head collided with the bed frame hard and I coughed
up a bit of blood before sliding completely onto the ground. I could feel the
blood pouring out of me. Out of my wrists, out of my mouth and nose. I
shuddered as everything became hazy and the outside rim of my vision blurred to
black. I felt as darkness was flooding the room around me.

"Yaten?" Seiya knocked on my door. My mind raced with panic. She had
heard me fall. She would come in and ruin everything. I didn�t want to be
saved, especially not by her. Not by Seiya, the only person I had ever loved.

"You okay? It sounded like something fell."

I tried to answer, but I found that I had lost too much strength to form an
answer loud enough for her to hear through my door.

"Yaten?" she tried the doorknob and found it locked. I coughed again
and I knew Seiya heard me. "Yaten! Are you alright? Yaten!"

She was pounding on the door now and her voice reached a panicked peak.

"...go...way..." I murmured, even though I knew she couldn't hear me.
She rammed the door open and I saw her hands fly to her mouth in shock. I knew
I was covered in blood and it was still flowing. I could feel it. I could
hardly see, but everywhere I looked, the carpet, my bed spread, myself,
everything was splattered with the blood from when I fell.

"...Yaten!" Seiya gasped. She turned around and screamed.
"TAIKI! TAIKI GET THE HELL OVER HERE!"

Absently,
I realised that I had never heard her voice so full of fear.

"...go...'way..." I mumbled again. Seiya stumbled forward, still in
partial shock, and kneeled down. She picked me up and cradled me in her arms. I
felt so small, like a fragile porcelain doll, the way she held me.

"I'm not going away..." she said firmly. She gingerly lifted one of
my wrists and tried vainly to make it stop bleeding. Tears flooded her blue
eyes. "Why?"

I turned my head away from her. I could barely see, but I didn't want the
feeling of her looking at my bloodied face. It was humiliating in a way I
didn�t fully understand. I heard Taiki run into the room and gasp.

"Yaten!" she wailed, I felt her fast footsteps race over and I heard
her kneel. I felt Seiya show her my wrist.

"She slit her wrists." Seiya rasped. No shit, genius, and you didn�t
see it coming. How dare she? How dare she sound so concerned now? She had never
cared before. Taiki wrapped something around both of my wrists and I felt the
bleeding slow. I tried to pull away. Why wouldn�t they leave me be?

"...stop..." I managed, through labored breaths. "Lea'me 'lone...lemme...die..."

At this remark, I heard Seiya choke back a sob. I closed my eyes. Wasn't like I
could see out of them anymore, anyway. I shivered as my body became very, very
cold. I felt myself begin to go numb. Why couldn't they just leave me? Leave me
to die alone. I didn't want them here! Why did they stay? Why did they make my
last moments so painful? And then I heard it. Seiya had laid her head on mine,
and was burying her face in my hair.

"...love you..." she whispered, her tears wetting my hair. Her voice
grew louder. "I love you so much! You stupid bitch! I love you!"

I strained to open my eyes, and I tried to force my blurry vision to clear. I
looked up at Seiya and I realized something. She wasn�t lying. All this time I
was the blind one. She loved me. Why had I never said anything to her? How
could I be so stupid?

"...love you..." I choked out, desperate to make sure she knew.
Seiya's eyes widened and she clutched me tighter, as if to stop my life from
leaving me. My heart was screaming in pain. "...sor...ry..."

Is this what it's like? Is this how it feels...to die? I heard Seiya's
strangled cry as I slipped away.

�YATEN!�

~ Owari
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