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In Err, My Suffering	By : westernink Category: Rurouni Kenshin > General Views: 5774 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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In Err, My Suffering

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Summary:��
She welcomed him back, but that didn't quell the demons.� Not his, not hers.� She didn't shoo him off, or have him go, she
pulled him closer.� Always
worried.� Always
there.� Always
his.

*�� *�� *�� *

Disclaimer:�
Why do I even need one of these?�
I do not own Rurouni Kenshin
or the characters thereof.�� Used without
permission.

Credit:�
This story was inspired by a fanfic I truly
love called "Loving a Killer" written by Tiian.� I got the idea from reading that, and the
said author's permission to write this piece.�

*�� *�� *�� *

�� Aoshi sat up, unable to sleep.� The weather was humid, making for unpleasant
sleeping conditions.� He could hear
thunder far off and expected the rain would come soon.� It was getting to be that season, rainy.

�� He
stood, dropping his blankets to the floor where they crumpled over his
futon.� His wrinkled yukata
felt uncomfortable as his skin perspired just beneath the material, but not
enough for it to cling to him.

�� He
slid open his chamber door and stepped into the hallway.� Maybe a walk could clear his mind of thoughts
he didn�t want.

�� Of
thoughts he had many nights... thoughts of her... thoughts about Misao.

�� The
same thoughts that left him aching with desire as much
as they left him pulsing with unbearable shame.

�� As
he turned, he caught sight of her by the window at the end of the hall.� Her back as to him, her long braid hanging
over one shoulder.� Even when she slept,
she kept it braided?

�� Why
didn't she let it loose?� Her hair had to
be beautiful, but she kept it bound and tight within that braid.�

�� He
wandered closer.

�� So...

�� So,
she couldn�t sleep either?

�� It
didn�t surprise him.� Misao
had never slept well in humid weather, just tossed and turned.

�� But
that had been a long time ago, he thought.�
He didn�t know much about her anymore.

�� No...
not much.� Not
too much, he thought, recalling the softness of her skin and lightness of her
frame. Her hands were so tiny, her body so slight against his
own, but her heart beat just as strongly.�

�� The
image of pale skin, the rise of her chest as her breath hitched sharply, the
wide sparkling eyes... Not much at all really...

�� Her
body was one thing he knew very well, but that wasn't her.�

The living, breathing entity that was Misao.

�� He
took one step toward her and then another.�
They needed to talk.� He needed to
say something.� Something
about that.� Something.� Anything.�

�� No...
not anything.

�� She
deserved an apology.� Even that wasn't
good enough.� She deserved so much and he
could give her nothing.� She deserved to
punish him, as awfully as he'd punished her, to whip him till he bled.� But she wouldn't.�

�� She
would never dare hurt him.

�� He
neared, his resolve crumbling each step that took him closer.� She sucked the life right out of him, making
him faintly tremble.� How could he face
her this way?� So
casually, so calmly?�

��

�� As
though it had never happened at all...

��

�� Images
of Misao in his arms bombarded him, her broken gasps,
her pleading voice calling to him as his tongue probed the softest areas of her
body.� His hands on the
inside of either of her thighs as she whimpered brokenly at his touch, arching,
pleading, but not a word to stop.�
No pleas for him not to touch her, only a silent begging with her
eyes not to hurt her.�

�� Had
it been panic or passion in her voice?�
He didn�t want to know, but the sound of it rung true in his dreams each
night.� Another hour of suffering as the
memory replayed again and again.� His greatest torment, his favorite pleasure.

�� He
stopped just so close and she turned only halfway to view him.� He'd been silent, her perception impressed
him.�

�� That
was his girl, picking up on the prescence of
others.� He expected nothing less of her.

�� Can�t
sleep, Aoshi-sama?�

�� Even
now she called him that.� �Aoshi-sama�.� It left a deep, bitter taste in his mouth.

�� Even
after he�d held her to an open forest ground and stolen her virginity from her,
she would still refer to him with such respect?�

��

�� The
sob that broke from her throat he recalled so clearly
as he lifted her hips and pushed himself deep in her rang in his ears perfectly
preserved in memory.

�� He
remembered far too much of that day.�

��

�� Misao had wanted to share his pain, hadn�t she?� To understand?� To know what he was doing, where he'd been,
what he'd been thinking attacking Okina the way he
had.� All in front of
her, all for nothing.� An effort
wasted, lives destroyed, and irrepairable damage done
to his Misao.

�� The
girl he'd raised until he'd had to leave her to keep her safe.� A girl he'd seen speak
her first words and steps.� A girl he'd
found a woman when he'd returned staring up at him with painfully soulful eyes
inquiring of him... loving him.� The same
girl inside her when he'd left, all grown up now wanting him to come home to
her.

�� And
what had he done, but share his pain by inflicting it on her?� Holding her beneath him,
hips roughly thrusting against hers, mouth sparing bruising kisses along her
skin, her lips.

�� No,�
he replied.� �You
also?�

�� She
nodded.� �Never did like nights like
these...�� She trailed off, looking back
out the window.� "Too hard to
sleep..."

�� Her
eyes seemed sad.� She always seemed sad
at night.� He'd watched her take walks
around the grounds when dark was long set in and everyone was in their
beds.� As though she couldn't reveal she
wasn't such a bouncy person in the daylight, always worried about people
worrying about her.� That if she didn't
act and speak a certain way... No, he didn't want to think about that.

�� They
didn't know.

�� They
couldn't.� Misao
would never tell.� She would never ...

�� You
shouldn�t want me here,� he tipped his head back, turning his empty gaze
up.� "You shouldn't want me anywhere
near you."

�� Sometimes
he couldn�t look at her.� Sometimes he
feared one day he'd be looking into eyes accusing him.� Eyes full of hatred and bitterness.� They never were... but someday... he
thought.� Someday they could be.

�� He
slid to the floor, pulling his knees up feeling weak.� She made him feel weak, worthless.� Hadn't he ruined the treasure given to him by
the former Okashira?�
Hadn't he broken the promise he'd made to take good care of her?� Hadn't he?

�� The
feel of her mouth, soft and wet beneath his caused him to shift.� He could hear her whimpering as his hips
thrust forward, hands on either side of her.

�� She
obediently kept her hands up, high above her head, the soft inner skin of her
thighs against his hips as she had wrapped them up around him. Such a good
girl... Such an obedient one.� He silently cursed himself, trying to shove
away the memory.�

�� Who more than I has seen and felt the devil in you, Aoshi?� Who,
more than I, should decide if you stay here?�

�� Her
voice was so sweet in the dark, a perfect silky caress.� He pushed aside thoughts of caresses.� It was not the time for such.

�� Felt
the devil in him?� What a way to say
it... but how true, who more than her should decide that?�

�� Her
maturity startled him and he was suddenly and amazingly proud of the woman
she�d become.� Even if
she did hide that part of her away from the others most of the time.� So beautiful, so perfect in
the darkness.� Only loosing her
in-bound maturity beneath the dark veil of night...

�� He
groaned sharply.

�� He
turned his ashen gaze up to her to find her looking back.� ��

�� Sometimes
it�s hard having you around, I won't lie.�
Sometimes I can�t sleep, sometimes I wake up
from sleep with only you and that afternoon in my head... Sometimes it bothers
me because it makes me feel weak.� But in
the end it doesn�t matter as long as you�re here where I know you�re safe and
healthy and not under a bridge starving somewhere.�

�� Even
now, she could say such things about him?�
To worry about him when he still caused her pain?� When he caused her worry?� Enough that she couldn't
rest comfortably?�

�� She
kneeled, pressing his knees apart so she could get closer to him.� The material of his yukata
parted, but darkness was filmed over their bodies, coating them.� ��

�� As
long as you�re okay, I�m okay.� It�s all
that matters to me.�

�� You
could do so much more with your life... if I wasn�t in it.�

�� Her
smile surprised him.� �You�re it, Aoshi.� The only
reason I get up in the morning is for you."� Her voice was soft and breathy.� He grit his
teeth.� "It�s always been that
way.� When I was little- I wanted to make
you happy, when you left- I wanted to bring you back, now that you�re here- I
want you to stay.� You�re my personal
shrine, without you I�d be completely lost.�

�� Her
attempt at humor was almost lost in the darkness.� Her closeness was heating his skin even
further.� He'd been fighting arousing
thoughts of Misao all night...

�� Fighting
so desperately what he in equal desparity
wanted...and didn't want.

�� Imagine,
he thought bitterly, the Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu... Once described as being able to tame and
have any woman he wanted... Fighting himself over a pained lust for his
previous ward...

�� Misao put her hands up on the wall at either side of his
head and leaned slowly closer to him.

�� His
heart was pounding hard in his chest.�

�� Don't...
He thought.�

�� Her
breath fanned gently against his lips before they touched.�

�� Don't...

�� A
feathery caress that had his muscles twitching as he restrained himself from
moving, desire seeping deeply into every pore.

�� Misao... He pleaded futiley,
the words never reaching the lips she occupied.�

�� How
he longed for her.� As
powerfully as he had that afternoon as she stood there, gazing at him.� He'd wanted her so badly, wanted and saw no
reason to wait.� He hadn't been coming
back, he was marching toward death.� He
wasn't going to see her again, ever.�
What was one afternoon between them?�
One afternoon full of mutual anguish and desire?�

�� She
pressed her lips more ardently against his and he groaned, her arms sliding
down from the wall to work themselves around him as
she did what he hadn�t allowed her to do before.� What he hadn't allowed her to do the last
time she'd been so close in his arms: embrace him.

�� Her
tongue slid along his lips as he struggled to keep his body still and not slide
her yukata off her shoulders and plant kisses across
the delicate curves of her breasts.

�� You
shouldn't... �

�� He�d
done so before in a wild frenzy, teeth nipping at her soft skin.� Pinching her sweet skin
between his teeth leaving little bruises with the force.

�� She
pressed herself against him completely, sliding her body against his hardened
manhood and he checked a groan.� Her
hands slid up, tilting his chin down toward her before sliding her mouth
against his again, her tongue sliding past his lips.

�� Misao...

�� His
body trembled with restraint.� He tried,
desperately, to remember her.� His ward,
his little girl, but the thought would not come to him.� He couldn't remember...!

�� He
couldn't remember her!�

�� She
was someone else, that little girl.�
He only remembered this one, this woman, and the hot,
tight feel of himself inside her.�

�� He
longed to scoop her up and pull her legs across his lap.� How easy, how perfect it would be to slide
into her.� Here, against the wall, on the
floor - anywhere.�

�� Did
she know what she was doing?

�� Oh,
she knew, he thought as she arched her body against his aching manhood, again,
and repeating the motion, rocking slowly.�
She knew.

�� Was
she punishing him?� He deserved it, he
told himself.�

�� Ah...
Punish me...

�� She
pulled back just enough to moan his name, a sweet whsiper
against his lips and his restraint slipped slightly.

�� "Aoshi..."

�� He
drew his hands up to cup her head and pulled her mouth back to his, thrusting
his tongue between her lips.� He dropped
his hands to her shoulders, sliding his bare fingers beneath the collar of her
thin white yukata.�
He pulled, sliding the material off her shoulders clear down to her
elbows, his hands crumpling the material.�
He wanted to rip it... Rip it clear off so nothing could keep him from
her.

�� Nothing.

�� Not
now.

�� Not
ever.

�� She
belonged to him, always, his little girl or not.� He no longer cared.

�� His
body throbbed with wanting her, his hands tightening, sliding down to the tie
at her waist.� He pulled and the sash
obliged, loosing around her.

�� He
pushed the fabric farther, as her lips pressed more
ardently before she broke away, heaving for air.

�� He
licked his lips, eyes staring up at her, glittering in the darkness as the
material pooled at her waist.� He shoved
it further, and it slipped past her narrow hips.� He trailed his fingers lower, itching for the
feel of her again.� He wanted to be
inside her again.� Now.

�� He
was seconds from pushing her back onto the floor and taking her when there was a scuffle farther down the hall.

�� They
broke apart breathlessly, bodies hot and wanting.�

�� Aching...�

�� Someone�s
awake...� Misao mused staring down the dark hall.

�� Aoshi moved to stand, he had to
get away from her.� Immediately.� Before any damage was done
to their precarious relationship.

�� But
her hands on his shoulders stilled him a moment.� She leaned close, her lips brushing his cheek
and then his ear.

�� It�s
not always a bad memory, Aoshi.� Sometimes all I can remember is your hands
lifting my hips and you being inside me and wanting so desperately to feel it
again.�

�� He
pushed her away abruptly and clamered to his
feet.� No, he had to get away from her.

�� Why
did she have to tell him that?�

�� Why?

�� He
walked back to his room, closing his door primly behind him.� He breathed unevenly, his body
twitching.� He groaned silently, reaching
down, sliding his hand over his groin.�
His cock twitched against his palm and he tightened his hand, clutching
himself hard through the cloth.

�� He
turned his head upward, breathing hard.

�� Who?� Who was punishing him?�

�� Was
it her?

�� Or
was he doing this to himself?

�� He
dropped his hand, finding the part at one side, reaching within his clothes to
wrap his hand around his heated flesh.�
Lowering himself to the floor, his hand tightened around his member,
moving slowly at first, teasingly, imagining her.

�� He
groaned, leaning forward with his free hand as he began to stroke himself in
earnest.� His sweaty palm moved easily enough
over his passion heated flesh as he pumped himself hard, thinking of her.

�� He
no longer cared who was responsible.� He
just wanted more of the sweet torture.

*�� *�� *�� *

�� She
watched him go, pulling herself up from the floor, sliding herself back into her
yukata.� He
slid back into his room silently, no closer to sleep than she was.�

�� She
leaned back against the wall, fanning herself lightly, dropping her head back
staring up at the darkened ceiling as Aoshi had done.

�� There
was no doubt he was tormented over her.� As much as she was over him, but... probably in different ways.� She had thought it would happen... Here on
the hall floor...

�� Since
he'd returned he'd looked at her several times with a glint in his eyes
that threatened to scald.� Most of the time
that look caused her to ache, her body responding to that one singular glance
that almost always vanished before she could even think to act on it, let alone
contemplate it.

�� But
he pushed her away, not unexpected. Always one to deny himself, he'd always had
that annoying quality.� But she wasn't
willing to push him just yet.

�� She
wanted to, her body ached, throbbing for him, but she refused.

�� At least, not yet.

�� She
wasn't ready for him yet.� She could
still feel the harsh grating of his hips as he pushed inside her and the
burning stretch despite the fact his lips had touched and kissed her there
first.� His touch had made her ache like
nothing she'd ever known before, not even her own fingers could make her feel
the way he did and it had been nothing at all compared to the touch of his
mouth upon her.

�� She
sighed softly, feeling even hotter.�

�� Sometimes
her memories left her feeling wistful about what could have been, other times
she woke in cold sweats, heart beating furiously, an irrational fear causing
her to tremble where she lay.

�� She
would never get over Aoshi.� She would never forget that day, but nor
would she ever regret it.�

�� It
had been the single day she�d gotten a lead on him, only after he�d
fought Jiya.�
Only after she�d found him.� Only
after he�d told her he never wanted to see her again.� Only after all the things
that had completely broken her heart.�

�� She
could never forget the coal black eyes that burned with a hatred for life.� They had burned for her.� She had seen it and not escaped from it and
she�d suffered for it.

�� He�d
brought his suffering to her and burned them both.

�� He
never once looked away from her.� Never.� His eyes,
burning bright with darkness, clouded with desire had seared her.� He had pulled her hips into his lap as he
kneeled on the ground easily, leaning over her, his elbows on the ground, his
arms curled up behind her, holding her while...

�� She
gasped softly.

�� While
he thrust into her mercilessly.�
Pained... She recalled.� She
couldn't repress the wince each time their bodies came together or the startled
cries that escaped her throat.

�� But...

�� Why
couldn't she regret it?�

�� Why?

��

�� But
it was okay.� She�d be fine and Aoshi-sama was safe.�
That was all that mattered really.�
She could deal with the dreams and the cold-sweats.� Those eyes scared her somtimes,
but only when she slept.

�� She
could deal with her fears and worries fueled by her dreams.� It was the desire the worried her.� The lust, the craving to
slip down the hall and beg him touch her again.� The uncontrollable throbbing that made her
want him to pull her hips to his again and make her feel the sweet anguish all
over again, to see his eyes...

�� Those
beautiful eyes not longer clouded with the haze of darkness... To watch him, to
see his pleasure at touching her... even if it afforded her some
discomfort.� She could handle that - she
could handle sating his pleasure.

�� Beacause it was Aoshi and the
desire was for her.� He wanted her.� That made her desire for him to touch her
only magnify... She wanted it... She wanted to let him do whatever he wanted
with her -� she
wanted to so badly... but...

�� It
was that, that worried her.

�� Wasn't
it wrong?

�� She
hadn�t told anyone.� She had never said a
word about seeing Aoshi that afternoon.

�� He
knelt over her, panting.� Her body
relaxed against him, as she just laid there, feeling
him hot and hard inside her. �

�� Omasu and Okon had been honest
and forthright about sex with her - although it was a new feeling, she knew
when she felt his seed spill into her.

�� Somehow
the thought had left her as numb as it did tingly.� Aoshi's seed inside
her...

�� Her...
Misao.

�� It
was something she'd wondered of, but only when alone.� Her dark little fantasies, replaying the
women's words in her head as she wondered what it would be like... Being with Aoshi like that.

�� She'd
known then, her body burning from his touch, sore and aching and hurt.

�� But...

�� Aoshi had given her his seed.

�� Why?� Why when her body was still painfully
stretched around him, could she think like that?� Given her... Why was it a good thing
when it had caused her so much... discomfort ?

�� Wasn't
it... forced in her?�

�� No...
No... Not forced.� She had pushed the
thought away desperately, clenching her eyes closed.�

�� She
hissed when he drew his hips back.� More
burning pain, but it was almost a numbness now.� So much friction inside.� She could feel the wetness between her legs,
his ... hers...

�� His
eyes met hers again, when had he looked away?�
She couldn't remember.

�� His
eyes still burned with emptiness.� Dark
voids... He leaned down, pressing his mouth to hers.

�� The
kiss was soft only a moment, before his head slanted against hers and she
gasped in surprise at the sudden, violent pressure.� His tongue plundered her mouth as he silently
demanded she respond to him, not letting up upon her until she did...
Hesitantly, she returned the abusive kiss.

�� His
touched didn't turn gentle even then.� He
had sat up, dragging her up with him, fisting a hand deep in her hair while he
assaulted her mouth with vigor.

�� She
had groaned against his lips and he released her then.� She crumped to the
ground, her hips still raised, legs still spread over his lap.

�� His
eyes darted over her quickly and then slowly, they worked their way up.� She could almost feel his gaze slide along
her abused womanhood as his eyes returned to meet hers.�

�� Slowly,
he drew away, fixing his clothes and standing.�
He towered over her, eyes staring down at her impassively.

�� No
words.

�� There
was nothing in those eyes.� No
regret.� No compassion.� No hunger.�
No sadness.

�� Just emptiness.�

�� He'd
left her there, sprawled upon the ground.�
She hadn't cried.� Couldn't, maybe
she was just unable.

�� The
numbness that was settling over her quickly was far more welcome than the
friction pain.�

��

�� What
an afternoon that had been.� She pulled
herself to her feet and walked back to her room, sliding inside.� She needed someone with a giant feather fan,
she thought, retreating to her futon.

�� She
trembled, trying to shake off the remnants of her desire.� She closed her eyes.

�� Tomorrow
was another day.� She'd deal with it all
then.

*�� *�� *�� *

Author's Notes:�
Aoshi was probably more than a bit OOC because
of his violence displayed toward Misao.� Even when he was "on the dark side"
he never wanted to see Misao hurt and I'm certain he
would never do anything like this to her.�
But it was fun though, wasn't it?�
^_^
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In Err, My Suffering