Loss of Innocence

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Exhaustion hit Lavi like a hammer as he closed the heavy oak door to his room at the Black Order Headquarters. Dusk still cast a glow through the stained-glass window over his bed, but the light was dwindling. He didn’t think he had ever felt this tired in his life. Funerals for Order members were always hard, but this had been harder – and longer – than any other. With the attack of the Noah and the Level Four Akuma, an attack within the heart of the headquarters itself, the death toll had been staggering. People he knew. People he had…

The air in the room still carried an empty smell. It had lain unused for many years, and Lavi had only finished cleaning away all the dust last week. After what had happened on the Ark, he had told the old Panda that he wanted to take separate quarters. Bookman had been unhappy, but he had to acknowledge that with the two of them sharing the same room, the avalanches of paper they accrued were threatening to cascade down and crush them both in their sleep. With Lavi gone, the Panda had more room to store his records. And with Bookman out of the way, Lavi had more freedom to try to understand what had happened to him since his fight with that Noah girl. With the events of the past week, the science division hadn’t had time to wire the long-abandoned room with all their new devices for electricity and heating, but Lavi could endure a little discomfort for the sake of privacy.

With slow deliberation, Lavi unzipped his exorcist coat. He hung it on the back of the tall chair sitting in front of his desk, one of the few pieces of furniture accorded to rank-and-file exorcists. A book lay open on the desk, Lavi’s own tidy scrawl covering the left page and most of the right. He knew he should record more, he hadn’t abandoned his training as the Bookman’s apprentice, but not now. Not yet. The memories were still too fresh. Grunting, he pulled his undershirt over his head and rehung it in his closet. The room was cold and the air prickled his skin, but he was too tired to kindle the fire.

Lavi crossed back to his bed and sat down on its edge. He wedged his boots off and collapsed backwards with a sigh. How easy it would be to just fall asleep. Wake up tomorrow, pretend today had never happened. He had done it so many times before, but it was harder now. After the Ark, after coming face to face with himself and realizing how much he cared for the people around him, it was impossible to shut them out completely anymore. He didn’t want to. His friends in the Finders, the science division, Krory, Allen, Yuu, Lenalee…. Some of his friends were down in the main hall now, in those damned wooden boxes. Some were just missing, gone when the attack had ceased. At least those last four were fine. No exorcist had died in the attack, miraculous as it might seem. If any of those names had been carved into the coffins, if Lenalee’s name had been carved into one of them….

A knock echoed through the room, and Lavi blinked drowsily. A knock? Maybe he had dozed off and imagined it. Surely no one would be coming to his room now. The Panda had seemed satisfied with Lavi’s detachment at the funeral – he wouldn’t have another lecture about what it meant to be a Bookman. And aside from the old man, everyone was wrapped in their grief, in too much pain to take notice of anyone else. He must have imagined it. Lavi shut his eyes with a sigh.

Again, echoing around the stone-walled room, a knock. Softer this time, as if the knocker was afraid of someone else hearing. Who on Earth…? Lavi sat up with a moan, again feeling the chill air on his chest. “Hold on a second,” he called. Reaching down, he grabbed the tops of his boots in one hand. If he was going to get up to answer, he might as well put them back where they belonged.

Crossing the short distance to the door, he pulled it open a fraction and felt his eyes widen in surprise. Standing outside, in the formal exorcist attire he knew so well, was Lenalee Lee. Her face was a porcelain mask, composed but so fragile that it might shatter at any moment. Lavi felt discomforted, standing there in nothing but his pants, holding his boots in one hand, but Lenalee hadn’t seemed to notice. He pulled the door open a bit wider, and the light from the hallway spilled into the darkening interior of his room.

“Lenalee? What are you-? I mean, is everything all right? I thought you’d be with Komui, or maybe with Allen.” Both names stung in his mouth, the latter more than the former. Komui and Allen were both friends, but Lavi could not keep himself from feeling some jealousy at the closeness they shared with Lenalee. Not after the Ark, anyway. Not after he’d been forced to admit to himself that there were people he cared about.

“Lavi, is it… is it okay if I come inside?” Lenalee turned her head furtively, shooting glances down the corridor in both directions. Was she worried someone would see her? Well, given how her brother acted, maybe she was. And Bak was here as well. Lavi didn’t know much about Bak, but his obsession with Lenalee had been obvious from the first time he’d seen them both in the same room together. A part of Lavi wondered how different he really was from Bak, though.

“Oh. Sure. Sure. Sure thing.” He must look like such an idiot, standing there in the doorway, holding his boots and staring at her. Lavi swung the door wide and walked to the closet, setting his boots in one corner beside another identical pair. He heard the door swing shut, and when he turned back he saw Lenalee sitting on his bed, staring at him. There wasn’t much light left, and the patch over his right eye restricted his vision, but Lavi saw something strange in her expression, a look he couldn’t identify.

Taking the chair from in front of the desk, Lavi swung it around so he could sit in it backwards. He faced Lenalee with his arms crossed over the back of the chair. “So to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit,” he asked with a smile.

She blinked, surprised by his warm tone. And in truth, it had taken effort to inject some happiness into his voice, but Lenalee had looked fragile and hurting in his doorway, and he hated to see her in pain.

She took a moment to collect herself again, and then she stared deep into his eyes. “I saw you at the funeral today, Lavi.” Her words had an edge to them that Lavi hadn’t expected. Was she angry? He had thought she looked hurt, not angry. Lavi didn’t understand why she would be upset, but best to tread carefully in any case.

“We were all at the funeral. It’s been a hard week.”

Her gaze hardened further. “Yes, it has, for most of us.”

And what did that mean? It wasn’t a hard week for him? Was she insane? “I’m sorry, Lenalee. I know how much it must hurt for you, to see all those men and women dead.”

“It does hurt for me,” she said bitterly. “It hurts like you can’t imagine, like somebody reached into my chest and ripped out my heart, and now I can’t find it.” Her tone was almost accusatory.

Lavi’s lips went slack. Obviously she was upset. She even seemed to be upset with him, but he just couldn’t understand why. Did she think it was his fault all those people had died? How could she? He didn’t even have his Innocence anymore. What could he have done to stop the attacks without his Innocence? He had tried, in spite of all that, and when Lenalee herself was in danger he had thrown himself recklessly into the battle, anything to protect her. How could she possibly put the blame on him?

He sat there for almost a minute, staring at her, thinking, trying to decide what he could say next. Finally, he settled for the only thing he could think of. “Do you want to talk about it?”

With a scream of frustration, Lenalee grabbed his pillow, bolted to her feet, and swung it at him. It caught him across the chin, and sent him tumbling backward off the chair. The back of his head struck the ground with a crack, and even in the darkness of the room Lavi saw momentary flashes of color. Then the vague silhouette of Lenalee was standing over him, her short skirt and stockings the only parts of her that were clearly visible in the failing light. She was yelling something and continuing to swing the pillow at his head with a ferocity he’d never seen in her before. It took Lavi a few moments to clear his head enough to understand the words she was shouting.

“Damn it, Lavi, why are you always so cold? Isn’t there anyone you care about? I had friends down there. Friends who died, and I wasn’t able to save them. And you just stand there like a rock, through the whole funeral? What the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you even cry for them? Those were my FRIENDS, damn you!”

He couldn’t think straight with the pillow smashing into his head every few seconds. Lavi reached up to grab it, but his hand closed on Lenalee’s wrist. She tried to shake it off, but he held tight. “Will you stop that,” he growled. One of her feet tried to kick him, and he reached up with his other hand, taking hold of her forearm. He yanked downward, and she collapsed. The pillow fell to the ground beside his shoulder. Lenalee’s knee crashed into the stone floor of the room, and a sob escaped her throat. She thrashed wildly, and Lavi threw his arms around her more to keep her from fighting than anything else. Her face was close to his now, and he could see her clearly in the last slivers of twilight. Tears filled her eyes, those beautiful eyes he had dreamt of so often, and little gasping sobs fought past her lips. Her breath tickled against his throat, and the soft scent of jasmine filled his head.

“Do you think I didn’t have friends down there, too, Lenalee? Do you think I don’t care about all the people who died? All the faces I won’t see anymore, in the mess hall; in your brother’s office; on assignment? Do you think I don’t care about the fact that they’re gone? Do you!?” He realized he was shouting, but Lavi didn’t seem to be able to soften his tone.

“I don’t know, Lavi! Do you? You never cry! You never sound sad! You never mourn! How can I help but think you don’t care?” Lenalee tried to beat her fist against his chest, but he held her tight.

“I’m a Bookman, Lenalee! You know that. I’m not supposed to care. I’m not supposed to get involved! Do you know what the Panda would do to me if he knew how I felt about the people down there? He’d kill me, and find someone else to carry on his precious legacy!”

Unexpectedly, she stilled in his arms. He could feel her draw for air with a shudder, her chest fluttering against his own. She exhaled again, and as the warmth of her breath fought against the cold of the room, Lavi felt a shiver run up his spine. “And what would you do if it were me down there, Lavi?” The words were barely more than a whisper.

His lips parted, but no words escaped them. He didn’t know what he would do. At that moment, Lavi found the thought of Lenalee nailed into one of those boxes more frightening than he had ever found anything in his life. He stared into her eyes, and felt her tears dropping silently onto his own cheeks. “I… Lenalee, I’d….”

“Oh, damn it Lavi!” Her eyes squeezed shut as she pushed herself forward an inch and pressed her mouth to his.

He was so startled it took him a moment to realize that the gentle pressure of her lips was still there. The kiss he returned was tentative, soft, and he quickly realized not at all what Lenalee wanted. She raised her head with a frustrated wail and pounded her fist against his chest again. With a growl he slid his right hand up her back and into her short black hair. He tangled his fingers there, forcing her mouth back down to meet his own.

The renewed kiss seemed to stretch on for minutes, this time. Lavi found himself unable to think about anything but her soft floral scent and the warmth of her lips, caught between his. Those lips were wet, where he had traced them with his tongue. His pants, never very comfortable to begin with, seemed to tighten agonizingly. Lavi tightened his own grip on Lenalee’s hair in unconscious response, and she gave a pained gasp, pulling away for air.

Lavi drew a ragged breath as Lenalee sat back on her heels. One of her legs fell alongside his, while her knee pressed against the crotch of his pants. The cold stone floor against his back suddenly felt so much colder after losing the warmth of her lips. He wanted to reach up and grab her, wanted to tear off her uniform and… he forced the image away. He knew how he felt about Lenalee, but he had to ask.

“Lenalee, I thought you and Allen….” He couldn’t finish the thought. “I mean, the way he looks at you, and….” He hated himself for bringing it up, but he had to know.

She sat there silently. He could hardly see her now, but he could feel her leg pressed against his, her weight settled against his calf. “…I don’t know, Lavi. Allen is sweet. I like him. But… not just him. I was just so MAD at you today. And I needed…. I needed to talk to somebody, to be with somebody. I can’t be around my brother right now. You know how he is. All he wants to do is comfort me, and if I have to put up with one more minute of that I think I’m going to fall apart. I want…. I want to BE with somebody.” The emphasis was clear, and Lavi heard her gasp quietly at the sound of her own words.

“And not with Allen,” he asked, stroking his fingers down her thigh.

She trembled at his touch, and he could hear her swallow. “No, Lavi, not with Allen.”

Lavi propped himself up off the floor with his hands, leaning backwards. He was uncomfortable, still, and his head continued to spin both from her kiss and from the furious assault of a few minutes before. He exhaled slowly, and then realized she was waiting for him to respond. Would he reject her, especially after she came in here yelling at him? Lavi felt her body tremble again, and wondered how nervous she must be.

“Lenalee… Thank you.” It was the only thing he could think of to say. With one hand, he caught the front of her uniform and leaned back, pulling her down atop him. The other hand caught her head again and brought her lips to his. The floor of the room was cold once more, but he didn’t let it distract him.

One of Lenalee’s hands cupped around his neck, while the other rested softly atop his abdomen. With his right hand Lavi unzipped the front of Lenalee’s exorcist uniform. The heavy material fell open and the cold metal teeth of the zipper teased across his bare chest. At the same time, her right hand began to trace its way down his stomach, moving with an impatient earnestness. As she found the waist of Lavi’s pants, Lavi slipped his own hands inside her coat, winding them behind her back and pulling her against him. Her skin was so soft. In the darkness of the room, unable to see her, his lips, his tongue, and the tips of his fingers felt suddenly more sensitive. He ignored the straps of her brassiere and traced his fingers across her shoulders as he tugged at her lower lip. His fingers found her neck, and she gasped against his mouth. Lavi let his tongue dart out in response, tickling the undersides of her lips and eliciting a small moan.

Lenalee’s right hand squirmed between them, finally unfastening the waist of his trousers. It slipped inside, and Lavi’s hips rocked forward anxiously. The thought of her hand holding him was almost more than he could endure. His hands clawed against her smooth skin as her fingers found him, and a moan escaped him in answer to her own. Lavi had wondered what it would be like, to feel her fingers stroking his shaft, but the reality was unlike anything he had imagined. Warmer, sweeter, more demanding. He froze as expectation gripped his body, and it took Lenalee’s tongue pushing into his mouth before he came to himself.

With his left hand still caressing her neck beneath the coat, Lavi reached down with his right hand and found the waist of her skirt. Lenalee’s right hand squeezed around his rod once, encouragingly. Lavi’s head snapped back as he gasped for air at the feeling. The back of his skull smacked into the hard stone floor, and Lenalee let out a small giggle.

His hand left her waist, prompting a frustrated sigh, and Lavi rubbed the spot where his head had slammed against the floor. “Oh, you think that’s funny, do you,” he muttered. Satisfied he wouldn’t have a welt forming, he wrapped both arms around Lenalee’s waste and forced himself up from the floor, carrying her with him. She stood pressed against him, her hand still buried in the waistband of his pants.

Lavi tightened his left arm around her, feeling the silky skin beneath her coat press against his own. With his right hand, he tried to remove that coat, but quickly found that she was too distracted touching him to help. Regretfully, he drew her hand away from his cock and forced it over her head. The coat came off easily, then, and he tossed it aside into the corner of the room.

As he pressed her body against his, as his hands explored her back, it felt like electric sparks began to dance through his body. This couldn’t be real. Lenalee, innocent Lenalee would never be here, would never do this. Least of all with him. Surely, despite what she said, she’d rather be with Allen. Or Yuu. Or… No, she was here, and she wanted Lavi. He didn’t understand, but just then there was no point dwelling on it.

While Lavi was momentarily distracted, Lenalee slipped her hand between their bodies and pushed him away. “Lavi, it’s cold in here…. Can’t you turn on the heat, or light a fire or something? Please?” Her voice was oddly plaintive, not hungry like he would have expected from the heat of her kisses, but pleading.

His hand reached for her wrist and tugged it over her head again and bending it backward to force her to him. He leaned in to kiss her neck, whispering beside her ear. “Anything you want, Lenalee.”

In the darkness, Lavi guided her to the bed and laid her down on top of the sheets. She limped slightly as she walked, and Lavi remembered that she had struck her knee against the floor when he had pulled her on top of him. He gave the knee a gentle caress as he let her down onto the bed, and she whimpered in response as his warm touch mixed with the pain.

Turning back to where he knew the desk to be, Lavi fumbled open a drawer and drew out a bundle of long-handled matches. Wood for a fire had already been laid in the grate – Lavi had seen to that himself before the funeral, but he had been too tired to light it when he returned. Kneeling by the hearth, he drew one of the matches out of the bundle and placed the rest behind him where they would be less likely to explode if a spark happened to fall near them. He struck the match against the rough stone of the grating and touched it to the kindling at the base of the wood as it burst into flame. The fire appeared to catch, and Lavi held the still-burning match aloft as, with his other hand, he retrieved the remaining matches and returned them to the drawer. Letting the match burn down, he then lit the candles he had left scattered around the room. When all the candles were lit, he blew out the match and tossed the remainder of the matchstick into the fire, which was now beginning to burn brightly.

Lavi turned back to the bed, and in the flickering candlelight he saw Lenalee. Her eyes still stared at him with that burning intensity, but her arms were held to her chest tightly now, and Lavi thought it looked like more than simple cold that had turned her inward. He came to the bed and sat beside her.

“God. What am I doing, Lavi?” Her voice was quiet, and sounded very different from before. The candlelight flickered across her face, and Lavi saw tears welling up in her eyes again. With one arm, he reached down and lifted her to a sitting position. Lavi bent forward to kiss her, but she pushed back, avoiding his mouth.

Frustration formed iron bands, constricting Lavi’s chest. He knew it was too much to hope for, being with Lenalee, but here she was. In the candlelight, he could see her clearly for the first time. Her skin was pale and smooth, all gentle curves. A black cloth band stretched around her chest to cover and support her breasts, suspended by thin straps running over her shoulders. She was as beautiful as he’d imagined, and the longing inside him threatened to overpower his will. He fought to calm himself. “What’s wrong?”

Lenalee hugged her arms tighter around her chest. “I want to stop thinking about them, but I can’t, Lavi. If only I’d joined the fight earlier… If only I hadn’t been so afraid of my Innocence…. It’s my fa-“

“No. No, it’s not.” So this was why she still held back. She blamed herself for what happened. She was so much like Allen, sometimes. Maybe that was why Lavi felt so jealous of him.

“But if I’d only-“

Lavi pressed her down against the bed, forcing his lips to hers to keep her from speaking. The kiss lasted only a second, and then he leaned up to look her in the eyes. “No, Lenalee. You did everything you could. No more regrets. You mourn, and if the grief gets too bad, you find a way to move on.”

Tears rolled slowly down her cheeks, but she nodded after a moment.

And then the question he didn’t want to ask. “Now. Do you want…” His voice croaked. “Do you want me to take you or don’t you?” Asking that question seemed to drain everything out of him. He didn’t know what he’d do if she said no.

She shivered beneath him, staring up into his eyes. The room was growing warmer now, but she still held her arms close. Lavi couldn’t help running a hand through her hair. It had been so long and beautiful, once, but all things changed. It was beautiful in its own way, now. He bent to kiss her again, and she whispered one word against his lips. “Please.”

Breaking apart from her, Lavi gently prized open her arms and pulled the cloth brasseire upward. When he had it over her head, he tangled it around her wrists, locking them together. Lavi reached down to the waist of his own pants and pulled out his belt, then used the belt to secure her wrists to the iron bars in the bedstand above her head. Looking down, he saw a hint of fear in her eyes. Her lips parted, as if to speak, and he kissed them again to silence her. “No questions. I’ll help you stop thinking about them, but no questions.” His hand traced down her arm and then down her side, coming to rest on her hip.

Lavi kissed her again, his tongue teasing across her lips. Those lips were still trembling with barely-suppressed sobs, but he coaxed at them until she kissed him back, her lips warming to the contact. Lavi’s hand reached around and undid the clasp holding Lenalee’s skirt. His hand roved to her stomach, swirling idly. Lenalee’s breathing quieted, and again Lavi felt himself suddenly overpowered by the scent of jasmine that seemed to cling to her. He breathed it in, and it made him feel light-headed, intoxicated.

His lips began to move away from hers, kissing her chin and then her neck. Lenalee took another shuddering breath, but the sounds of crying didn’t return. Lavi kissed her neck again, tracing his tongue lightly across the hollow of her throat. Her throat fluttered in response, and Lenalee gave a soft gasp of pleasure.

As he continued to kiss her neck, Lavi’s hand strayed past the waist to Lenalee’s skirt. Her skin felt warm as he slipped his hand downwards, warmer than it ever had before, and his fingers found soft curls of hair. He stroked gently, careful not to catch his fingers in those curls, and Lenalee moaned longingly. Her hips rose up to meet his hand, forcing him to press harder. The warmth in his hand was becoming a fire now, as the heat of her body met with his overpowering desire to touch her.

Bringing his other hand down, Lavi wrapped it behind the small of her back, pulling her into his own body as he moved his lips lower, down the line between her breasts. Those breasts were smaller than he had thought, but so beautiful. Her skin was pale under the dancing candle flames, and her nipples stood out clear and dark, swollen with her arousal. Lavi’s lips moved left, his kisses curving into a spiral around her breast. Lenalee’s skin tasted salty, and he could feel her just beginning to sweat beneath him, a twinned reaction to both the growing warmth of the room and her own growing need. The spiral tightened, and at last his lips found her nipple. He licked gently around the areola at its base, and then he fastened his lips around it, letting his tongue flicker against it within his mouth. Lenalee writhed beneath him, the feeling more than she could bear, but he tightened his arm around her and pinned her to him.

“No, Lavi… It’s too…. Aaaaah… It’s too str—aaaaaaaaah! Oh God, I think I’m going to come.” Her head rolled back against the bed and she whimpered plaintively. Lavi slid his right hand further under her skirt, and his fingers found a tiny nub of flesh. He ran his fingers down along either side of it. Lenalee’s hips bucked again, harder than before, and Lavi strengthened his touch on either side of the nub. Lenalee drew deep, shuddering breaths, intermittently punctuated by loud whimpers. Her body shook beneath him, and he held to her tightly, his lips still playing on her nipple and his fingers still teasing beneath her skirt. The bed rattled as her arms spasmed, pulling at the belt and her brassiere binding her to its frame. After about a minute, her breathing quieted. It still came in deep draws, but no longer the ragged gasps of a few moments before. Leaving his hand cupped over the soft hair beneath her skirt, Lavi slid back up her body and kissed her lips once more. Her eyes shone as she saw him, and a smile split her face.

“Lavi, that was-“ He kissed her needfully. “That was amaz-“ Again – his lips felt on fire. “Amazing. I’ve nev-“ The scent of jasmine, filling his head. “I’ve never felt anything like tha-“ His tongue pushed into her mouth, and she sucked at it playfully.

Lavi closed his eyes and ran his fingers over the nub of flesh beneath her skirt, caressing it directly this time, letting his sense of touch be his guide. Lenalee drew back from his lips, gasping for breath. “Oh my God, Lavi, what are you…? Aaaaaaahhhh….” He paused for a moment, opening his eyes again to see her, to see the reactions play out across her face. The pause was beyond endurance for her. Lenalee forced her hips upward, begging for his touch. “Don’t stop, Lavi. Please please please please please don’t st—aaaaaaaaaaaahhh….” He began to touch her again, lightly, his fingers dancing over the nub, and lower, where he felt soft folds of velvety skin. They were so warm to the touch, like the gate into the heat that seemed to be suffusing Lenalee’s body.

Overcome by a sudden urge, Lavi released her and sat up. Lenalee’s breath left her in a shudder of frustration. “No, Lavi, please… What are you…?” She tugged at her arms, but they refused to move.

“No questions. Didn’t you agree to that? Or do you want me to stop?” Lavi reached down to her waist and took hold of her skirt, and the undergarment beneath it. He tugged them downward, and in the flickering candlelight his eyes saw what lay beneath them for the first time. Somehow knowing that it was the seat of her pleasure made it seem so strange and beautiful. Lavi’s eyes drifted up over her chest and to her face, the face that had haunted his dreams for month after month. But as beautiful as that face was, it was so much more beautiful when she was fighting for breath, struggling to keep control of herself as sensations washed over her.

With the nub of flesh now exposed to his eyes, he reached down and massaged it lightly as he watched her response play across her face. Her eyes tightened, her lips parted, and a faint gasp reached his ears. He touched her again and watched as her eyes rolled back. “Ohhhhhh… Lavi, please… Don’t make me- ahhhhhhhhhh. Oh, just like that… Please, please Lavi….”

But he stopped, prompting another pleading wail. Lavi took hold of her skirt again, and pulled it down, pulled it off her entirely. In the candlelight, he could just see Lenalee’s cheeks turning red as it came off. There was no going back, now. Nothing to stop him from entering her, and she knew it. Removing her skirt and her undergarments had a finality that even Lavi felt. He ran a hand up her chest and gently caressed her breast, letting his fingers drift across her nipple carelessly. Lenalee’s cheeks reddened even further.

Her stockings came next. Lavi rolled them downward, his fingers trailing over the pale skin they revealed in their wake. She had the most beautiful legs he had ever seen. But as he came to her ankles, he found the fresh scars of her innocence, cross-shaped marks that looked still tender. He moved to kneel between her legs as he rolled the stockings off her toes, tossing them onto the floor where he had sent the skirt.

“You know, I was so scared when they brought you down to Hevlaska. I was so afraid of what they were going to do to you. I was so afraid that you might have been just another name on one of the coffins.” Lavi’s voice was quiet. He reached down and lifted her right ankle to look at it. The candlelight was strong enough for him to make out the reddish-purple color of the scar. Impulsively, he raised it to his lips and kissed it. Then he kissed down the top of her foot, his hands running over the silky skin of her calves.

Setting Lenalee’s foot back on the bed, he turned to the other leg and lifted it in turn. “I wanted to kill Rouvelier for making you do that. I was so angry. When I went with you, I kept asking myself, am I going because I’m the Panda’s apprentice, or am I going…” His fingers played over the scar on her left ankle, tracing the cross it made. “Or am I going because I want to protect Lenalee.” Raising the scar to his lips, he kissed it as well.

Lenalee’s whispered voice came to him from the head of the bed. “…which one was it?”

The truth, Lavi knew, was probably a little bit of both - which was still a bigger crack in his detachment than the Bookman would ever tolerate - but he knew that wasn’t what Lenalee needed to hear. “I wanted to protect you. I couldn’t just let him take you away. I couldn’t just sit there and watch him put your life on the line. Even though you chose to accept it yourself… I couldn’t just let you go.” It was all true.

Lavi kissed her leg again, this time letting his lips move slowly up her calf. When he came to her knee, the knee that had slammed against the floor earlier, he kissed it delicately, letting his tongue drift across her smooth skin. Lavi could feel her shudder, and he tightened his grip on her leg. Continuing to kiss it, he trailed his left hand down along her thigh. He closed his eyes, imagining how that milky-white skin would look with his fingers dancing across it. Her legs were so beautiful. Lavi’s hand reached the end of her thigh, and he felt those same soft folds of skin, and the heat that seemed to be coming from within her. He teased his finger between the folds, and found that she was wet inside. Not the slick of sweat, but something different, warmer.

Lenalee gasped again as his fingers parted her. Lavi heard her sob, but he knew it was a sob of anticipation, not pain. He wished he could hold her like this forever, taunting her with his fingers, admiring her legs with his lips. The bars of the bedframe rattled again as she tried to tug her arms free. No, as fun as it would be to torture her like that, it was just as much torture for him.

Lavi kissed above her knee, and let his lips drift to her inner thigh. He lowered her leg back to the bed, lowering himself along with it. Her creamlike skin was especially silky along the insides of her thighs, but he was surprised to find that jasmine aroma strong here as well. His kisses drifted higher and he slowed, taking more time with each kiss, letting his lips linger against her skin, letting his tongue taste the sweat that was appearing as Lenalee turned more and more anxious.

And then finally, his lips found her center. Those two folds of skin looked almost like lips in the flickering candlelight, and he could see them glisten with what his fingers had felt, whatever it was that wet these lips. His tongue flicked between them and he breathed in. Again, that scent of jasmine. He was surprised, but realized it must be something distinctive to her. The wetness that touched those folds, it tasted strange to him – but not unpleasant. With the heady aroma of jasmine and the taste – the taste of Lenalee, he thought to himself – both fogging his mind, his tongue stretched out again for more. Lavi wanted to drink her in, wanted to pull her into himself. His own lips tugged gently at those folds of skin.

Lavi felt the side of his neck go suddenly cold. His earring. He realized that Lenalee had tightened her thighs around his head, pressing the earring into his skin. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he could hear a sound like crooning coming from Lenalee. Her thighs were rocking up to meet him again, matching time with the strokes of his tongue. He slid his hands under her, cupping her and lifting so that he had a better angle to lick inside her. There was a louder sound – he was sure he heard her moan – and then her body slid forward, away from him.

He followed tenaciously, sliding up the bed and flexing his hands to pull her down to meet him. He thrust his tongue deep between these new lips, and ran it upwards. Upwards, until it could go no further, and then out of her. It flicked over something small and hard, and Lenalee’s legs spasmed around his head. That must be the nub of flesh that was so sensitive for her. Lavi had almost forgotten about it. He eased himself forward again, and let his tongue flick over it gently.

Her reaction was immediate and intense. Lavi was sure she was saying something to him, but her words were muffled by her legs pressing against her ears. He closed his lips over the nub and sucked at it quickly before letting it go. Lenalee’s body shuddered around him. Again, he sucked it in and let it go. He could hear her voice, louder now, and the bed shook as she strained against the bonds holding her hands. Lavi suckled the little nub again, falling into a rhythm. Lenalee squirmed, seeming to pull away and then push toward him only a moment later. Slipping his right hand out from beneath her, Lavi placed it on her stomach and tried to hold her still.

Her legs shook, and he could hear snatches of her gasps once more, words mixing into them. “No! -avi, please!” A long, echoing wail as he sucked at the little fleshy knob again. “-can’t stand it anymore!” It popped in and out of his mouth, again, and his tongue flicked across it demandingly. The wailing was louder, and her legs were shaking so hard that they knocked into his head, like her swinging that pillow at him all over again. Lavi took his hands and pinned her legs forcefully to the bed, sucking at her again and again, over and over again. “Please, Lavi! Please, it feels like I’m going to explode! Please don’t…..”

Lavi lifted his head away for a moment, staring up her body. The candlelight danced across her skin and across her face. She gasped in relief and lifted her head to look at him. Lavi bent down and sucked at the nub once more, his eyes trained on her face. Lenalee’s mouth fell open and her eyes rolled upward, showing him only white.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. Oh God, I was wrong. Please don’t stop. I’ll do anything, Lavi. Please, please don’t stop.” But it was too late. Lavi couldn’t hold himself back any longer. With one last suckle and one last gasping whimper from Lenalee, he slid to the edge of the bed and stood.

Even with the waistband opened, even with his belt off, Lavi’s trousers felt painfully tight. He removed them hurriedly, not wanting to leave Lenalee with a chance to regain her composure. Leaving them in a heap on the floor beside Lenalee’s own skirt and stockings, he climbed back onto the bed. His cock was so swollen that it almost hurt, and keeping it confined in his pants for so long had made it sore as well. Lenalee saw him, and again she tugged at her wrists. Tears leaked down her cheeks.

Lavi rested his hand against the folds of skin between her legs and massaged them gently. “Is this… is this your first…” She nodded, her cheeks turning bright red. “And you’re sure you want to… You want me to....” What would he possibly do if she said no right now? He needed to feel her around him. That desire seared away any other thought.

Lenalee turned her head to the side, pinching her eyes closed. She forced the barest of a nod, and Lavi sighed with relief. He lowered himself onto her gently, touching the head of his member to those silky folds. Below him, she shivered and bit down on her lip. For once, the room was silent but for the crackle of the fire in the hearth. The air was warm against Lavi’s skin now, and jasmine seemed to fill the room for him. If he closed his eyes, he could drink it in like wine.

With his hand, he reached down and turned her face back toward him. Lavi lowered his lips to hers, kissing her gently. His lips tugged at hers. His tongue flickered against them. She kissed him back eagerly, and he could feel her breath hot against his own. And then slowly, ever so slowly, he pressed his hips forward to meet hers.

Tears welled in her eyes, and she whimpered into the kiss. “It hurts, Lavi. It hurts.” Her whisper tickled his neck, and Lavi slid slowly inside her. He paused there, and a small sob escaped her throat. Leaning down, Lavi kissed her throat again, kissed his way back up to her mouth.

“Are you ready,” he asked in a whisper. She stared deep into her eyes, kissed him once more, and nodded.

Lavi rocked his hips back slowly, and his shaft pulled almost all the way out of her. Then forward again, slowly, until he couldn’t go any deeper. He slid one hand beneath her back and the other behind her head, resting his weight on his elbows. Her eyes pinched shut at the pain, but Lavi watched as the tension drained from her face, as her lips parted breathlessly to sigh with pleasure.

Back, and forward, still slowly. The sensation of being inside her was better than he could have ever imagined. The silky smoothness of her skin was magnified a hundredfold, and the wetness he had tasted between her thighs clung to his shaft as he moved inside her. She was so warm. He ran his hand through her hair and stooped to taste her lips, but it was so hard to feel anything but the place where their two bodies joined. She pressed in around him, and entering her was like… was like nothing he could put a name to. Lavi heard a moan escape past his own lips.

The pain seemed to be fading, or else Lenalee was growing accustomed to it, because now her hips pressed up to meet his. Each stroke seemed deeper, more agonizing in its expectancy. Lavi felt the bones of his pelvis crush against hers, and Lenalee whimpered longingly. Lavi pushed harder, felt the crush again, and watched as a transformation came over Lenalee’s face. In the candlelight, he could see her expression go slack each time they pressed together like that. Her lips parted soundlessly, her eyes fell shut, her head rocked slowly back and forth. Lavi didn’t understand why, but he could tell she was enjoying this as much as she had enjoyed anything else he had done for her.

“Lavi, can you….? Just a little bit harder.” Her eyes were still closed. She almost looked like she was sleeping, except for the sweat trickling down her forehead. Lavi pushed himself into Lenalee harder, and she moaned audibly. “Aaaaaahhhh… Just like that…. Ohhhh, Lavi, that’s so good…”

A part of him wanted to move faster. Lavi felt a pressure building up within him, demanding release, calling out to be satisfied immediately. But he held back, savoring the slow, rhythmic strokes into the warmth and softness inside Lenalee. He kissed her again, and found that her lips tasted suddenly sweet. Surely his imagination, but overpowering even so. He could never have dreamed of anything as wonderful as this moment.

Lenalee pulled at the bonds holding her hands in place again, not with the insistent frenzy of before, but as if to test them. Without a word, Lavi reached up with the hand behind her head and untied the belt. Her hands fell, and she worked them free of the cotton brassiere he had tangled them in. Lenalee slid her arms under his own, reaching them around to caress his back.

Lavi brought his own hand down, then, squeezing it between himself and Lenalee. He tickled his fingers down her stomach, working his way lower. All his weight rested on the arm beneath her back, but in his eagerness he found it easy to support himself. The hand fell lower, lower, past the tangle of curly hair where their bodies met, lower until he found that hard knob of flesh that caused Lenalee so much pleasure. He rested two fingers on top of it, and felt them squeezed hard as he pushed forward inside of her once again.

Lenalee’s breath stopped as she felt the increased pressure. Lavi watched as her eyes tightened and her lips curved into a circle. He raised his hips, drawing himself out of her, and then thrust forward powerfully. The two fingers crunched together, crunched with his pubic bone and hers. Sweat beaded on Lenalee’s face, but she didn’t make a sound. Sound seemed beyond her now, caught up as she was in the steady rhythm. Her hands tightened on his back, and one slid down toward his waist. Another thrust by Lavi and her back arched up, pressing the tender flesh of her breasts against him. Lavi wanted to feel those wonderful breasts again, to hold them in his hands. But there was no way for him to do that in the position he was in, and he couldn’t bring himself to stop long enough to find a new position. Warmth filled his body and pleasure gripped his mind like a vise.

Lenalee moaned longingly, the first sound she had made in some time. Lavi leaned down to kiss her again, his breath mixing with hers. The feeling of pressure inside him was growing beyond his ability to endure it. Lenalee moaned again, louder, as Lavi felt his fingers grind over that little nub of flesh. His strokes came faster now, pushing into the constricting warmth inside her, and with each new thrust her back arched upward, her breasts pressed against him. Her moans grew louder and louder as her fingers scrabbled against the muscles of his back, clawing, trying to find an anchor to cling to.

At last, he felt he must surely burst, like some giant dam within him was slowly being overwhelmed by the reservoir of pent-up ecstasy growing just behind it. He plunged into her again and again, and her cries were like a siren’s song to him. He watched her face, enraptured by the sight of her struggling against her own ecstasy, and then with a rush her eyes shot open and one of Lenalee’s hands tangled painfully in his hair. She pulled his lips to meet hers in an open-mouthed kiss, even as her other hand went to his waist, clawing against him ferociously, trying to hold him inside her.

The sudden change in Lenalee, the sudden feeling of her mouth on his, of the heat of her breath invading him, sent Lavi over the edge. His hips began to thrust uncontrollably, harder and faster, and he felt Lenalee spasm with each new thrust. She screamed into the kiss, and the sound reverberated inside Lavi’s head, mixing with the scent of jasmine, destroying his consciousness. The dam within him burst, and he felt his shaft explode into Lenalee as waves of pleasure threatened to carry him down and drown him. Lenalee continued to writhe as he pushed into her again and again, so hard his fingers pressed between them seemed to grow numb. She sobbed into his open mouth, drawing a rattling breath that stole the air from his lungs.

It could have lasted seconds or days. Lavi lost all track of time, all track of the world, as if a white-hot iron had seared into his mind. After what seemed like an eternity, his eyes refocused and he drew breath. The air burned in his lungs, and he gasped as the feeling of drowning overcame him once more. His eyes fell on Lenalee, lying beneath him, the candlelight playing across her features. Her face was slack, now, her eyes closed but her mouth curved into a blissful smile. He touched his lips to hers, willing her to open her eyes, but she was unresponsive. In the end, it really had been too much for her.

The fire was warm, and when Lavi looked at it, it showed no signs of burning down. The air was too hot, now, for the covers on his bed. Gently, Lavi pulled his hand out from between himself and Lenalee. The faint touch against her most sensitive spot caused Lenalee to shiver, but she did not wake. Slipping his hand beneath her waist, Lavi gently rolled her on top of him. Her weight pressed against him deliciously, her legs tangled with his, and he tightened his arms around her, holding her close. He wanted to hold her forever, but it would be all right if he could at least hold her through the night. Her head rested against his chest, turned toward the fire, and he could see her draw slow, steady breaths in her sleep. Lavi leaned his own head back against the bed, expecting to find his pillow, but felt only the mattress beneath him. The pillow. He glanced to his right, and saw it there on the ground where it had fallen when he first tugged Lenalee to him.

Oh well. You can’t have everything.