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If U Seek Alfred	By : CyreliaJ Category: +G to L > Hetalia: Axis Powers Views: 3629 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I don’t own Hetalia or any of its characters. I’m also not making any money off of this.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
Disclaimer: I don’t own Hetalia or any of its characters. I’m also not making any money off of this.

Note: This is the sequel to Cherry Pie. You probably could read this without reading the other but I can’t guarantee that everything will make sense if you do. The only warning I’ll give with this story is once again be prepared for anything short of scat or non con. This story gets a lot darker, a lot more angsty and will contain extreme bloodplay and guro so you’ve been warned. Enjoy! :)

Now for pairings: Major England/Canada, Russia/Canada, Prussia/Austria, and Canada/Fem!America. Minor: Sealand/Canada, Germany/Prussia/Austria, Canada/Austria, China/Russia, France/Canada, and Fem!America/England. Squint and you’ll miss it: Poland/Hungary, Russia/Lithuania, and America/Belarus. ACE ending- sorry if that’s a spoiler I just don’t want anyone to read 100+ pages only to be unpleasantly surprised. Also since I’m editing and adding things some of the pairings might jump from minor to major but I’ll change this list accordingly if that’s the case.

If U Seek Alfred

By Cyrelia J

Part 1

“...almost ran that jerk over- he deserved it too- and that’s when I called you from the airport.” Canada sighed, wriggling the slipper off his foot, toeing at the instep as he finished the story for his seated audience. “And well, you both know the rest.” He added the honey to the small teacup, stirring it until it dissolved. The spoon slowed as he examined exactly what it was he was doing while his own pepsi- fuck you Al I don’t like coke- was getting flat. “Roderich, why am I getting your tea?” he asked suddenly as he stopped stirring entirely. Austria had graduated from “guest” to “help yourself, no seriously” ages ago and now that he was no longer running on autopilot he realized just what he was doing.

Austria, sitting on the couch next to Poland looked up from the television and over the counter at him with a level gaze.

“Proving a point, Matthew.” He readjusted his glasses as he leaned back. “You are a complete and utter pushover.” Canada frowned, picking up the tea anyway and bringing it back into the living room. “And you allow people to keep pushing without protest until it finally explodes in some unhealthy overly aggressive manner. Like Alfred’s car for example.” Canada blushed at that memory.

It hadn’t exactly been his proudest moment that day when he’d left the conference, fists balled, tearing through the parking lot and seeing America’s rental reminding him that America wouldn’t even listed to him where the damn extra five dollar insurance was concerned had been the last straw. Those thoughts were interrupted however by the sound of the audience on the television cheering the next competitor. The 2009 World’s Strongest Man competition was airing the finals today and the three of them had spent the weekend glued to the set. Martin Wildauer representing Austria had already lost but in the interest of good sportsmanship- and apparently attempting to diagnose Canada’s love life- Austria had stayed on to root for Louis-Phillipe Jean. They were all hoping the Americans would lose today on principle.

“If I were you,” Poland added sitting cross legged on the red LaZBoy recliner at the other end of the living room, “I’d dump his ass.” He popped the red cherry sucker back into his mouth as they went to commercial. “Like seriously, I don’t care how big his dick is-“

“Feliks!” Canada interrupted embarrassed. “That has nothing to do with any of it... besidesheusuallybottoms...” Popcorn in his lap, he sat back and sighed. “I mean the sex is… it’s fine... it is absolutely not the problem! The problem is my own brother doesn’t even see me as a man! I mean I know I don’t stand out as much as he does but really? Telling me I’m a better woman? Who cares if I have a dick?!” he spluttered through a mouthful of popcorn. He downed the Pepsi angrily and on the sofa next to him, Austria was thoughtful.

Watching the screen as Pudgianowski begun hefting the first atlas ball, Austria sipped his tea before finally adding, “I think you’re wrong Matthew. I think coitus is exactly the problem.” Canada swallowed and regarded him skeptically.

“Roderich, I already told you, the sex is fine. It’s always been fine. I mean fine is good. Fine is healthy. Not like with Arthur like you told me but... Alright y’know what, we’re not even gonna go there today. Alfred and I have a perfectly normal sex life. Just the two of us, just like it should be. I mean it’s not like… wellit’snotlikeitwasthatlasttime but…”

“Exactly.” Austria sipped the tea idly, crossing a leg as Pudzianowski was off to a good start against Derek Pounsdstone. “Oh my…”

“See, he’s totally winning this year just like last,” Poland crowed.

“Mmm… yes he does have good form.”

“Oh yeah, like when Pudzian was training I made sure to stop by and cheer him on. It was amazing! He did like curls with me hanging off his right arm and then Liz even hung off the left and-”

“Hello, guys? My relationship is falling apart?” They didn’t seem to hear him and as the two continued fawning over the polish strongman, Canada sat back forlornly taking a handful of cheese curls almost a perfect mirror of his twin on similar angst induced eating binges.

“I think it would help if you told us what exactly your sexual relationship is like when you’re a man,” Austria said when the show cut to another commercial and Poland groaned at Pudzianowski’s time. His cel phone rang in that moment and Austria looked at the number on display before ruthlessly rejecting the call. “What usually happens when the two of you are intimate?”

“You don’t have to go into the nasty details,” Poland added with a wrinkle of his nose and Canada rolled his eyes.

“You didn’t mind when I was telling you what happened in autumn.”

“Yeah… hot girl, large tracts of land. You… not so much.” He smoothed the knit skirt, shifting on the large chair, the lolipop sliding out of his mouth again with a pop. “Y’know if all you want is a douchebag with a monster cock, I hear Ivan and Yao are on the outs.”

Canada groaned and buried his face in his hands.

“Do I even want to know how you know all of that?” Austria asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Hey, You get stuck sharing a house with a guy for like thirty years and try and tell me...” Poland trailed off realizing they were both staring at him now. “Okay it was like so totally not gay like that.” Austria chose not to comment on that further, instead turning his attention back to Canada..

“The question, Matthew?” And Canada was silent as he thought about the best way to answer that.

“There’s not a whole lot to tell,” he said at last with a sigh. “I mean we go out, we have fun, hang out like we’ve always done- before we even started sleeping together, that is- and when we’re done we have sex . Sometimes we see a movie or a hockey game or we go to the batting cages or one of those old car shows that Al likes.” He smiled remembering this past summer when they rented the house in New Jersey and spent the weekend at the beach. “We had a great time at Seaside this year. The weather was perfect, we’d gotten ice cream and some kids joined me in burying Al up to his neck in the sand. The taffy was great, and Al put a whole bunch of it in his mouth when I dared him and… why are you looking at me like that?”

The two of them were both giving him a look and Austria sighed.

“So… did you guys even fuck?” Poland asked bluntly.

“O-of course we did! I mean I just thought you wanted to hear about the best part of the trip and… oh my god…” He almost dropped the soda he was holding. “Did I really just call taffy the best part of the trip?” His voice rose an octave at that, his eyes were comically wide. “Oh my god…”

“Hmm, and not counting this last time, how about the last time you went out with him as a woman?” Austria sipped his tea as he pressed on. Poland shot Canada a concerned glance.

“Maybe we should give him a moment.” Austria set the cup down, sat back with his arms crossed and looked at him coolly.

“No, I think there’s a point that needs to be made here. Matthew, answer the question.”

Canada thought back; it wasn’t that long ago, really and somehow it was a lot easier to think about the sexual aspect of the trip that time around.

“Well, we actually went to Seaside again. Al said he wanted to see what I’d look like in a bathing suit. It was humiliating,” Canada grumbled. “He talked me into this red and white thing that you could see through when it was wet. Of course I didn’t realize that til it was too late... Someone hid our clothes and I don’t know how he talked me into it but we had sex under the pier after that… and against the pier… and he was trying to get me to it on the towel but with the sand and... ohmygod…” His voice was little more than a squeak when the house phone rang. Oh god Al was right. I’m a total loser. I’m a girl. I’m turning into a girl! Ohmygod no wonder he doesn’t see me as a guy anymore.... He’s left me for… for me ohmygodwhendidthisstarthappening?! Poland looked at him about to completely meltdown and got up taking a seat next to him.

“Okay, deep breath, Matt. Breathe.” He put an arm around Canada’s shoulders watching as the other leaned forward, hands between his legs hyperventilating. “Roderich? A little help here?”

“Of course I hung up, I told you that phone is for work purposes and emergencies. No, slaking your primitive lusts does not constitute an emergency.” Austria was on the phone looking almost bored and it was clear within those first few sentences that he was talking to Prussia. “You know we’re watching the finals of the World’s Strongest Man... Hen party? How long were you practicing that one in front of the mirror?” Overhearing Austria’s side of the conversation, Canada’s eyes wildly darted back and forth between the two of them panicked. Hen party? Are you kidding me even Prussia now?! Does the whole world think I’m just some chick with a dick or- He looked at them and suddenly seemed to realize in that moment that his two best friends were a crossdresser and a man in a fucking cravat and every one of them even shaved their legs for some reason or another and Canada keened as he rocked back and forth. “OhmygodI’mafuckinggirl...”

“No, Wildauer is out. And Trimpl finished last in his heat as a matter of fact so you can tell Ludwig that I win. Oh Pudzianowski’s been a treat to watch. Yes, quite strong,” he let the excitement creep into his voice just enough. “Of course I can’t imagine what such a fine specimen could do if... Oh you’re going to be joining Ludwig at the gym after all?” The smile was small as he prepared to hang up. “Oh yes... yes you’ll just have to do that won’t you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have something important to attend to... You are a disgusting pig and I don’t know why I even kiss you with a mouth like that...” He seemed at a loss for words processing the response. "Well I suppose that would be one reason... Goodbye Gilbert.”

He sighed and paused the DVR.

“Matthew.” Canada had swatted Poland away, standing up looking absolutely frantic as he continued to talk to himself.

“I can’t believe this. This can’t be happening.” He was pacing the room at a maddening pace and Austria raised an eyebrow at Poland who held his hands up.

“I didn’t say a word. He just like started freaking out when he heard you talking to that washed up loser you’re sleeping with.” Austria glared and Poland popped the chocolate vanilla sucker back in his mouth. “Hey, I just call it like I see it.”

“Matthew,” Austria started again, finally walking over and grabbing him by the shoulders. “Focus. Breathe. You’re going to have to calm down.”

“You’re wearing a cravat. He’s wearing a skirt.”

“Matthew-”

“I’m watching sweaty men lifting heavy things over their heads and I’m making tea and we’re gossiping like Sex in the City-”

“Matthew-” he raised his voice only to be over talked by another oblivious declaration as Canada continued to have his miniature meltdown.

“There are doilies on my coffee table- doilies!”

“Yes well that is a rather fine grain of wood, but really, Matthew-”

“ohmygodAlwasright!” And then Austria at last gave a long suffering sigh and slapped him hard enough to rock his head to one side.

“Like whoa you put some serious shoulder into that one,” Poland observed impressed. Canada swallowed, holding the side of his stinging face, eyes coming back into focus, whispering terrified as he looked between them both, “Al was right, Roderich.”

“No, Alfred is most certainly not right.”

“Amen to that,” Poland chimed in but raised his hand continuing. “No, like seriously, Matt. Being a guy has like nothing to do with what you wear or what you like to look at or all that superficial bull.” He tapped the side of his head. “It’s your identity. It’s up in here and you can’t just like turn it off cause America zapped you with some weird techno junk and gave you boobs. I should so kick his ass one of these days for even getting all up in your head like that. You are so much cooler than he is you do not even know.”

“Exactly,” Austria affirmed and Canada let his hand down seeming to have relaxed. “Your gender has nothing to do with how you behave or how you appear, it is what you know yourself to be. It is your thought process, your way of relating to people, your ay of identifying with the world around you. People would not seek gender reassignment if it was something as simple as a physical body or a set of clothes, Matthew. You are a man, are you not? Forget whatever nonsense Alfred was spouting, clearly he wasn’t thinking with the proper portion of his anatomy and answer me honestly.” Canada blinked, still trying to take in what was coming at him from all sides, still smarting from America’s thoughtless proposal back in the fall- and Austria’s slap but that was neither here nor there. Thinking about the question in earnest, thinking about who he was and what he felt inside, turning it over in his head and really being honest...

“Of course!” he didn’t even have to think twice about it once he got America’s stupid voice out of his head. He looked down slightly at Austria as he spoke marveling at just how damn confident a guy had to be to go around dressed like that. The color had come back to his face as he nodded, feeling more himself, more sure of himself than he had in the last few months. Dammit, why’d I let this get so far? Why the hell did I ever start doubting myself? Damn, am I that insecure that I’m gonna go to pieces just because Al can’t think before he talks? Alright, the hell with that.

“Yes... Yes dammit! I am! I am too a man” He nodded again and stood up straighter. He could do this. He wasn’t just going to take this lying down either he was going to do something about it! “And I’m not uptight! And I am too, fun!” Poland applauded from the couch and Austria smiled. Canada raised a fist in the air not feeling even the least bit ridiculous at the gesture. “And I am sexy! And... and I am not the poor man’s America!”

“Who are you, Matt?!” Poland called like a cheerleader from the chair and Canada answered him quickly.

“I’m Canada, dammit! And I’m going to teach Al a lesson he’ll never forget!” And from where he stood next to him, Austria’s smile was positively wicked.

“Good. And I think I know exactly how to do just that.”

Zydrunas Savickas had ended up winning that year. America normally didn’t pay it any mind; he preferred to simply read the results when the competition was over. This year, however, with Canada still not returning his calls or his texts, he’d turned in curious to see just what his brother found so damn interesting about a bunch of big sweaty guys lifting heavy shit over their heads- seriously, could Canada be any more gay? It was about as boring as he thought it’d be, but sitting home alone it gave him an excuse to sit in front of the TV with a Chicago deep dish and stew over the entire rotten situation. Stupid gossip got around fast- which always amazed him because if there was one thing Canada wasn’t, it was a gossip- and everyone seemed to know within a damn week that he and Canada were fighting. That in an of itself wouldn’t be so bad except for the fact that everyone he usually would turn to for a quick fuck wasn’t speaking to him. Stupid Canada, like he was the bad guy here?

Really, I just said what everyone else already thinks, Mattie. Why else do you think Gilbert hits on you all the time? Here’s a hint, it’s not just to piss off Roderich. How can you call yourself a guy when you don’t even have the balls to stand up for yourself? God, when we first got together you were incredible; it must’ve been the pot ‘cause before the seventies were even over you got dull as dirt and went right back to acting like we were just brothers who fucked and not anything else. And he knew Canada had to be lying about all the nations he’d slept with too. Once upon a time he might’ve believed him, but the way his brother shuffled around slumped over dressed like some loser skater not even being noticed he’d bet that old musket in the attic it was a load of crap. If Canada didn’t want him to keep seeing other people he should’ve just told him straight out. He didn’t need to make a bunch of ridiculous crap up like a damn teenage girl.

Hell, he wished Canada had told him a lot of things. If he didn’t like changing into a woman he should’ve said so; but as it was he was spending more time as a woman anyway so he must’ve liked being one better. He sure as hell seemed to get off a lot more and a lot harder and dammit what was wrong with marrying him anyway?! Jesus, if he didn’t want America to fall in love with his female self he never should’ve… God I miss her, America thought suddenly wishing his brother would stop being so stubborn already. Or was Canada looking at other options now that he had such a crazy ace up his sleeve? Fuck, a woman like that could have her pick of any of the nations, friendly foreign relations between their people or not. Is she really sleeping with Arthur? Or Francis? Dammit, Mattie, why don’t you just tell me if you want them instead of me! fucking talk to me so we can work this out. I mean I still love you, you’re my brother and I still like being bros and all but…

He stopped, realizing he was already at the door of the conference room. The building today was strangely empty but it didn’t surprise him. Parliament used the Palace of Westminster after all, not the dumb office building set aside for the world conference. Hell he was amazed that England didn’t have them meeting in a broom closet or outside where it was “nice” like Switzerland did to save money. No, same stupid office building and England let him know that this emergency meeting was of the highest security and only a handful of them at the greatest risk of a terrorist attack even knew about it. Hell, America wasn’t even sure who else was going to be there. Dammit England better not be overreacting. America already got enough crap about faulty intelligence and he’d skipped breakfast to boot! He’d only had a few hours to charter a flight- he was still dressed in his jeans and a sweatshirt! But that was probably for the best. He’d taken Canada’s rejection hard and hadn’t felt nearly as inspired to hit the gym. Daily routine? Ha! He was pretty sure he hadn’t set foot inside a weight room since November. Poking at his soft stomach he shuddered and prayed no one would notice the few- he hadn’t stepped on the scale but he was going with the word “few”- extra pounds.

The silence was almost eerie as he turned the knob and heard the door creak. Oh god this is just like that freaky porno Kiku lent me... where that dude got lured into some crazy gangbang and they came all over his face and shit. America swallowed hard. Okay, calm down... crap like that only happens in porn not in real life. I mean so yeah the guy kinda looked like me but that’s just Kiku and his creepy blonde haired blue eyed gaijin fetish... And my ass seriously is not that big and I so would not like 6 hot beefcakes fucking me... okay, mind out of the gutter, dumbass, this is Arthur, he’s a total perv but totally lame and there’s no way he’d ever be able to come up with anything that exciting... er, horrifying. Yeah, horrifying. His expression was wary as he entered the room and his imagination kicked into overdrive. Maybe I should’ve brushed my teeth first. ‘Course if I’m getting hot eurocock rammed down my throat it probably doesn’t matter....

What greeted him of course was nothing nearly so exciting. The small presentation room for their subcommittees was just as dull as he remembered it. Six long wooden tables faced the front divided by a large center aisle with one lone table for the presenter in front of a giant whiteboard. And today only the front row was occupied, however that was to be expected since England had told him the meeting was only amongst those that were part of the MI5 intelligence brief. Well, at least the solid wooden chairs were comfortable. England was busy scribbling notes in the ancient leather day planner- It still totally looked like a handbag to America, he didn’t care what Eyebrows said- he was fond of carrying. Seated at the table across the aisle were Germany, Prussia, and Austria. That was curious, but he knew Germany had its fair share of tensions. Poland and Russia too? Jesus, how big is this conspiracy? He was surprised Spain or France weren’t present, but perhaps things had settled down. He was concerned when he saw Canada sitting there between England and Russia though. Were they targeting his brother too?

“Well, since the hero is here, I guess we can finally get started right?” He clapped his hands together looking excited pretending he didn’t notice the look of disbelief on everyone’s faces at his slight weight gain. No, no they were probably admiring his totally awesome sweatshirt… UF had seriously rocked it this year. He didn’t see Canada staring down at his palm pilot somewhat nervously not having looked up once since he arrived. The poor bastard looked like he was gonna throw up at any moment and as mad as America had been he couldn’t help but feel bad.

“We’re still waiting for a few more to arrive, Al. But you can sit down. Uhh… anyone have to go to the bathroom?” Canada finally looked up at him and seemed about ready to pass out. England put a hand on his shoulder and whispered “breathe” and once again his brother dropped his gaze and America thought he heard a faint whisper of “Toris isn’t coming...” America looked at them for a moment but shrugged and didn’t think too much about it. Hah! Just realizing what you lost, is that it, Mattie? Oh yeah, he still had it. A few pounds didn’t make that much difference, he was still the United States of America dammit! Japan’s diet could wait, after this he was so hitting some of the pubs in London... maybe he could convince England to be his wing man. Pfft, a choice between me and Mr Belvedere? No fucking contest.

America hardly paid anyone any mind as he swaggered further into the room, confidence restored, visions of busty British babes dancing through his head. Yawning, America walked down the center aisle to take his seat, pausing only when his eyes rested upon the craziest fucking thing in the back of the room. How the hell did I miss that? He blinked stupidly, hand still resting abortively on the back of his chair as he goggled at the manacles that seemed to be coming out of the brick.

“Uh… hey guys?” He had a weird flash to that freaky gangbang porno again and swallowed. “Am I seeing things or is that-” He yelped when something sharp pierced his neck. “Hey, what the hell?!” He pulled the small dart staring at it stupidly before looking up at the lot of them. The room was already starting to sway. Holy shit I’ve been rohypnol’ed! was his last thought before he blacked out.

Canada was the first to stand up looking even more nervous than before if that was possible. He looked at Poland who seemed far too gleeful holding the tranquilizer gun.

“Oh wow, that was like just as cool as I always thought it’d be!”

“Jesus, what’s in that?” He’d expected America to make a mad dash for the door or something but instead he dropped almost instantly like a lead weight. Poland put the small gun back into his favorite Louis Vuitton handbag smugly.

“Only enough animal tranq to drop like an elephant.” Canada stared at him looking mildly horrified as Poland waved him away. “C’mon, Matt, you know these things don’t affect us nearly as strongly as humans and it would be a total disaster if he freaked out and went all ‘roid rage or something.” Austria stood up, readjusting his cravat, preparing to take control of the situation as he promised he would when they’d spoken earlier.

“He’ll be fine Matthew. Ivan is he ready?” He looked at Russia who had managed to catch America with an uncanny speed with just one arm. He smiled, pulling at the other’s face with a childish sadism.

“He’s out,” Russia chirped, stretching his cheek painfully to illustrate the point. “So let’s set him up, yes?”

America was definitely heavier than he looked, though he looked noticeably heavier than he did some months ago. At least that was what Russia had said as he hefted him over one shoulder like a sack of rice and carried him to the back of the room. Germany assisted him in clamping on the leather lined manacles knowing time was of the essence; they couldn’t be sure of exactly how long America would stay unconscious. Austria directed them both, ever the consummate maestro and Canada sighed feeling guilty as hell. Has he even eaten? Well of course he’s ben eating, just look at him stupid. Well yeah but has he eaten today? What if it makes him sick and he throws up on the floor or the chains aren’t rated properly and this turns into When America Attacks or-

“Okay, so maybe a phone call would’ve been better. Maybe we should call this off and sit down and talk it over.” He was losing his nerve and he was losing it fast as he looked at them all and realized in a few minutes he was gonna be-

“Are you mad?!” England exclaimed and coughed somewhat uncomfortably as Canada faced him, startled at the outburst.

“That is... ah... whatever he’s going through, lad, just remember the git brought it on himself,” England clapped him on the arm, that gaze far too excited and Canada sighed.

“Arthur, I don’t know if this is such a good idea for you to be here after all. You know it’s just a little...” He trailed off and wondered if Japan wasn’t rubbing off on him but he hardly wanted to hash out his fucked up relationship problems with England while they had an audience. Austria had assured him that this last encounter would be closure, that once America saw them and saw that aspect of Canada’s id and saw the raw sexuality that he could be able to transfer those masochistic needs to America and he wouldn’t need England anymore and this would just get England out of his system and all he needed to do would be to stay focused on America while they did it and-

“Matthew,” England’s voice again cut through his thoughts, soft as it was he responded automatically, “Yes da- er Yeah, Arthur?” And crap it was already starting but once America was his focus he’d be good, right?

“Matthew,” England reached up and tucked a stray lock of hair back behind Canada’s ear and in spite of himself, Canada leaned in, breaths steadying because England was here. Daddy was here and- No! No, that’s just a scene like Roderich says. He’s Arthur, he’s your equal, you two are exactly the same and you’re gonna do this one last time and forget all about him and be with America and- “It will be fine, right?”

Germany looked at Austria with momentary confusion inadvertently rescuing Canada from all the chaos swimming through his head without even realizing it. "Why am I here again exactly?"

"Because I told you to."

"You'd think I'd have learned that lesson the hard way by now," he grumbled. "“But ah... if you really don’t want to do this..."

"Matthew!" Autria hissed in response."

"Righ, tMatthew, we can-”

“He’s doing it,” Austria said, arms folded, expressing brooking no argument. He looked at Canada sympathetically. “Matthew. At this point I don’t think words are what you need. You might be able to come to some superficial agreement but the problem at the heart of this will remain. He doesn’t see you as a man. Whatever you’d aroused in him that night in October as your female self, you’re more than capable of doing as a male and he needs to remember that. He also needs to see you as more than simply a one dimensional lover which is why all of us are here. He needs to see all aspects of your sexual identity and more importantly...” More importantly what England didn’t need to know was that this was it for them and from here on out it was just America and Canada, normal and happy and healthy and this last swan song would do it.

“Specs here also wants to beat off to me an West plowing that cute ass of yours.” Prussia finally rose from where he was seated with a languid stretch.

“Brother-“ Germany started already feeling a headache coming on at the potential disaster in the making this was.

“I desire nothing of the sort,” Austria cut in with a huff, masterfully indignant, utterly in denial, but he masked it perfectly.

So perfectly in fact that Canada was still worried that sleeping with his friend’s lovers wasn’t nearly as okay as it seemed. “Are you sure you’re okay with this, Roderich?” Canada asked in earnest ignoring Prussia’s remark entirely. “I mean I know you’re in a relationship and I appreciate that you’re willing to put aside any jealous feelings that you might have to help me but I don’t want this to come between you.”

“Are you shitting me, kid?” Prussia said erupting into raucous laughter which only grew louder at Canada’s confused expression. He looked at Austria mischievously. “So, princess should I tell him, all about your dirty little pillow talk saying how you couldn’t wait to see Mattie’s asshole- Christ!” Austria had elbowed him hard in the gut without so much as batting an eye or even glancing in his direction. Canada resisted the urge to sigh. Alright, so maybe this isn’t the noble sacrifice he said it was… Prussia doubled over with a wheeze of “was that supposed to hurt?” not garnering any sympathy from his brother.

“You brought that on yourself,” Germany stated baldly.

He then looked over to England while he started to reset his watch. “Alright, I’ve blocked in fifteen minutes, Arthur, is that going to work?” England looked up indignantly from his appointment book.

“Fifteen minutes?!”

“Heusuallyonlyneedsfiveoncehegetsgoing,” Canada mumbled under his breath as he leaned back against the wall waiting for America to wake up. Okay so that didn’t include the sometimes hours of foreplay and the fact that Canada had usually come half a dozen times by the time they got to the actual act. Well, England wasn’t making this any easier dammit, so why should he?

“Are you really going to standing there with a bleeding stopwatch and time it?!” England demanded storming over angrily.

“We only have the building reserved for the next few hours, Arthur, and I would imagine that Matthew and Alfred are going to want to be alone after… after we’re finished.” He still wasn’t entirely comfortable putting “Operation Sigmund” as Austria called it into words.

Austria looked over at Poland calmly as England attempted to wrestle the PDA from Germany and input a larger block of time.

“Do you know when he’ll be conscious, Feliks?” Poland looked up from where he’d been setting up a tripod and camcorder from the far end of the room as part of Hungary’s early birthday present.

“Should be like a few more minutes I guess. Hey, Matt, you brought that phaser thingy, right? Cause I was telling Liz about it and she was like ‘oh my god that would be so kinky to see’ so I definitely wanna get it on here too.” Canada nodded and dug into the large pockets of the red and white hoodie.

“Yeah, it’s right in here. I don’t know about that part of the plan though. I mean he’s already gonna be mad enough without me turning him into a girl on top of it.” Canada looked over at his prone brother shackled to the wall, supported only by Russia who was having entirely too much fun making faces with his pliant skin.

“Matthew, Alfred needs to realize that your physical shape has no bearing on your identifying as a male. The best way for him to realize that is by experiencing the same thing that you do. Knowing him, I’m sure if you merely suggested it he’d refuse.”

“Already has,” Canada answered with a sigh. “Said it was too ‘gay’.” He rolled his eyes.

“Yeah ‘cause taking it up the poop chute just screams hetero,” Poland said as he turned the recording on. “And on that note I’m like seriously outta here. I love you to death, Matt but there are like some things I don’t need to see. Besides, I know Liz is gonna make me watch it later anyway,” he added with a roll of his eyes. “Give me the tape when you’re done, Matt?” Canada nodded and Poland walked to the door sticking his head out.

“Hey, isn’t Francis supposed to be here too?” he asked looking both ways down the empty hall. Canada frowned.

“I think he’s running late.” Canada looked to England. “Is the traffic in the chunnel really busy on Tuesdays?”

England snorted pulling out his phone.

“Probably dragging himself out of some underaged girl still pissed out of his head.” He dialed the number easily from memory, and Canada took the phone. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I talked with him, Matthew?” Canada simply stared at him and England threw his hands up in the air as if to say that was it. Canada really had been torn about having France be a part of this. His relationship with his other father figure- oh but don’t dare call him papa, they were both adults after all, were they not?- was just so damn complicated and France and England both in one day was probably just gonna kill him. But he was showing America the entire crazy spectrum right? And sex with France would be nothing if not completely and utterly normal and nice and okay maybe he wouldn’t answer the phone and-

“Oui?” And Canada felt the bile in his throat and he swallowed it down, forcing the words out and god why were they al looking at him, shouldn’t they be working out the timetable or the scene or what the hell ever and oh god he needed to say something. Maybe it would be easier if he spoke in french? No! No that would most certainly make it even harder so he stammered out a barely vociferated, “Ah h-hello pa- Francis!”

“Ah, Matthew, I thought I would be hearing from you. You’re at your little party right now?” Little party? That condescending fucker he knew exactly what-

“Haha, yeah, right party. Um... you’re... you’re still coming, right?” He toyed with the strings of the hoodie as France sighed on the other end as if he were speaking to a disobedient child.

“No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. I was under the impression that this would be a fun little romp not a... perhaps you should put Roderich on the phone, he is there is he not?”

I’m an adult huh? We’re both adults? You stupid ass, you can’t just say stuff like that... you can’t just tell me that we’re mature and grown up and that I can’t call you papa and then turn around and treat me like a child! You can’t... You can’t do this it’s not-

“Haha, yeah... uh huh... s-sure,” And he went right along and handed Austria the phone, Austria who looked at him with that long suffering disappointed frown as he took the phone because god they’d talked and talked this issue to death already, hadn’t they? And Canada really just wanted to bury his face in dad- England’s shoulder and let the other kiss him on the forehead and tell him what an asshole France was and tell him some story from ages ago about the two of them in their “wild youth” as England would say and oh Austria and France were like cats and dogs, but then again Austria and England never got along very well either.

“”Primitive mockery of sexual psychology?” Austria scoffed. “You speak as a man with more far more scientific learning than I recall you to possess.” Canada resisted the urge to groan because somehow he was sure that if France wasn’t keen on coming before he sure as hell wasn’t going to now. Canada crossed his arms and hugged himself as he leaned back against the wall on America’s other side just praying this was over and he was back home with England in front of the fire or sitting in America’s living room playing Super Smash Brothers- and kicking Link’s ass with Jigglypuff- and he closed his eyes centering himself just praying that he kept his head and this worked out and Austria was right and England went back to being just a friend and he and America could live together and-

“Irresponsible? Me? Coming from a man who’s caught more venereal diseases in his existence than a petri dish I- Well we’re not talking about Arthur now, are we?”

“What the fuck did that bloody tosser say about me?” Austria danced out of the way with the phone in hand easily.

“Oh you don’t, do you? Well I assure you, Francis that I have always ever had far more of Matthew’s best interests at heart than-” And Austria’s expression darkened and he snarled in a far more furious countenance than Canada had ever seen him, “go to hell!” before hanging the phone up angrily.

Canada groaned and England snatched the phone back and walked over to where Germany was attempting to readjust the time blocks.

“Well, the hell with the frog!” he exclaimed snatching Germany’s PDA and playing keep away with it. “Roderich here’s the bonafide psychological expert, not that wine guzzling derelict. And if he and I can put aside our differences to help you out, lad, then that wanker’s the one missing out. Really, the way that overly dramatic queen was probably nattering on, you’d think we were sacrificing animals on an alter. We’ll just let Alfred stew a little watching you with us, you give him a good shag, duke it out if you have to, and bob’s your uncle he finally gets it, right?” Though Canada couldn’t help but notice that England had left himself out of that final picture so maybe he was finally ready to let go too.

“That’s a gross oversimplification,” Austria replied mildly going to take a comfortable seat near the camera as Poland finally was ready to leave for good.

“So like, you’re sure you’ll be fine right? I mean you know I don’t get into this stuff but if you really need me to stay, Matt...” Canada shook his head, finally peeling himself away from the wall with a ghost of a smile.

“No, That’s alright Feliks, I’ll be fine. But thank you. I really appreciate all of this.”

“You did not just give yourself an entire two hours!” Germany exclaimed finally seizing the device after Poland left with a final wave. England looked thoroughly unrepentant and Canada wondered wildly what on earth could take so long without their usual setup.

“I want two also!” Russia called out stepping back as America seemed to finally start standing under his own power.

“No! Neither of you are getting two. I’ve already accounted for France’s absence by giving each of us an extra five minutes but that is it!”

“Hey West,” Prussia added sauntering over completely unphased by his earlier “chastisement”, “You better give us at least four,” Austria snorted at that, “Cause we’re gonna tear that ass up.”

Several things happened in that moment. Prussia gave Canada’s ass a hearty slap and was met by Austria’s annoyed declaration of “Can you not restrain yourself like a civilized creature for more than five minutes?!” This was punctuated by a slap, or at least an attempted slap because prepared this time, Prussia caught his lover’s wrist with a grin, leaning in and whispering, “If you’re that eager to get the show started, bitch, we don’t have to wait for Mattie.” Germany called for order- Austria taking his hand back furiously- and Canada jumped back and into England sending the both of them to the floor. More importantly however, America finally came to and took in the scene -eerily grinning Russia next to him in particular- with wide eyes and drew his own insane conclusion.

“Ohmyfuckinggod you really are all gonna rape me!” America shrieked pulling furiously at the manacles. “You can’t do that, I’m too pretty to get the prison bitch treatment!”
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If U Seek Alfred