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Left to Lose	By : ShinigamiMailJeevas Category: Death Note > Yaoi-Male/Male > Mello/Matt Views: 997 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I dot not own or make any money from Death Note

Chapter List
- 1-Left to Lose
- 1
AN: My Mello has told me a few times this song is depressing, but if you listen to how the song progresses, I see hope. Unusual for me, but I do.

And I think I wrote this because of it. Listen to the song please, this does not have the same feel without it.

Suggested Listening: Love Left to Lose by Sons of Sylvia

Left to Lose

Matt threw his hands up in surrender. He gave up, he really did. He was at his limit for the day and they had only been around each other for little over an hour. He left Mello to stand in the kitchen with a sour expression the only thing to mark victory of the argument. There was no pleasure in it for Mello either; a hollow victory. But really, it was just one more in a long line of them. Matt stalked to their bedroom—where he could not remember when they had last slept together at the same time—to find his keys. He always went out for a drive after, just so he wouldn't have to stay in the apartment. He was out for longer and longer, but then again, so was Mello. They existed around each other, but not with each other. Not anymore.

There was a sting, and a deep seated ache in his chest at the thought; the reminder of what they had shared. It all seemed so long ago. When he used to be able to make Mello smile, and Mello had said 'I love you' in something other than a mocking tone. He wondered why they even bothered anymore half the time, when neither of them were trying. With they keys in hand Matt shuffled quietly to the door, expecting to be ignored like he was most of the time.

"So this is how you handle everything you don't like now, by running?" Mello stood in the doorway between the kitchen and living room; his mouth attacked a bar of chocolate in a way that bespoke of the silent stress he was under. Mello would rather savor the taste, no matter how many times he had already eaten one. So the fact that he wasn't, was very telling of his mental state.

"I'm just going for a drive, like I do every time you open your mouth and start speaking." Matt felt regret at the hurt that flashed across Mello's expression, but had long since given up apologizing because it was never appreciated. In fact it usually sparked more animosity. Matt hated making the blond feel that way though, even unintentionally. He really only had wanted to make him smile...but that was so long ago. The hurt was normal now, like an unhealed wound left to fester. It was habit.

He sighed heavily and mumbled, "I'll be back later." Though later would probably be tomorrow or the day after. Whenever he remembered that he still lived with the blond. Or more like, whenever he had rebuilt his defenses. Mello wasn't the only one that could be hurt.

"No you wont, fucking coward." Mello scoffed, chocolate crumpling in his hands with anger seeping into his voice. There was something wild in those eyes tonight, and it made Matt a little nervous. Mello was looking for a fight. "I'm not the coward," he said softly. "I just don't know why I stay anymore." He shook his head and pulled the door open.

"Then go ahead, what are you waiting for? One step and you are gone, I'm not fucking stopping you anymore. We have nothing left to loose except love, and that's a fucking joke now isn't it?" Mello's voice got louder until he was practically shouting towards the end.

Matt's hand was frozen on the knob, paused in time as the words sank in. If he left, that was it. There would be no turning back. But was there any point in staying? He should just take the step and end it. He started to move, just a small jerk of his body, when he heard it. The quiet sharp intake of breath Mello probably didn't even know he had released. Matt turned to Mello, and shakily surveyed the fear in those eyes. It was unexpected.

Mello did not do fear, though the idea that he could be toying with him crossed Matt's mind. He discarded it almost immediately however, as Mello wasn't one for games; not like this. So it was something else. Mello's words echoed in his head over and over. Could that have been Mello's way of pushing them to the brink, trying to force a fight, one that would lead to reconciliation? Was it possible that, Mello still wanted him? What they had shared?

"What do you want, Mello?" he asked quietly. His grip on the knob had gone lax as he waited, as he almost dared to hope. They might have spiraled away from each other, but they had never tried to fix it. It might not have been as bad as he thought, as unfixable. Matt half wondered if they had simply gotten so exhausted from life in general, that they hadn't even the energy to fight for something they wanted so desperately. He had been so ready to leave, to try and exist on his own, cut his losses and patch his wounds, but now that hope had invaded his mind...the thought of leaving physically hurt him. He loved Mello, always would—and if he could fight for it, he damn well would. But only if he wasn't the only one. There was no point, if Mello didn't want it.

Mello opened his mouth a few times to speak and when he could not seem to form the words he wanted, he looked away. "Mel, please?" The nickname slipped from his lips easily, unconsciously. He needed some sign, any small thing, to know what Mello was thinking. He would give Mello everything if he just asked, it had always been that way. Even now. Maybe more so now that it was dire. He would do anything to know this was still wanted, that he was too.

Mello looked up at him searchingly, eyes bright and sharp. Focused. There was a long moment of silence before Mello stepped close to him. Matt could really see the lines of stress and the toll many sleepless night had taken on him. They both were haggard.

"Close the door," Mello said softly, "we need to talk." And it was then that Matt knew they would be alright. Maybe now right then, maybe not in a week or a month. But they would be ok. Because they were fighting for the one thing they had never lost.

-End-

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Left to Lose