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Would you Love me if I Hadn't?	By : Azurela Category: Death Note > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 1238 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note and I don't make money from this.

Chapter List
- 1-Would you Love me if I Hadn't?
- 1
Chapter One

--

The night my brother broke and stole my innocence is one I will never forget. But then, I've heard that you never forget your first time, so it shouldn't really be all that surprising now should it?

We were fourteen at the time and I could scarcely believe it'd happened. I didn't want to. I even thought it was a dream at one point…

--

It was a typical night, much like every other. I was off on my own, contemplating the sky, as I did often. It seemed foreboding, ominous, as black clouds gathered and thunder resounded in the distance. It wasn't just the approaching storm that was that way though; it was the feeling that came with that night as well. Unfortunately, I chose to ignore it and didn't realize that something was amiss until I was attacked from behind, knocked unconscious when something hard hit me in the back of the head.

When I opened my eyes again, was relieved, despite having a throbbing headache, to see a very familiar face hovering above my own. The person it belonged to was sitting on top of me. I looked at him confused though when I saw that he was undressed and that I was as well, feeling an unfamiliar pressure built up between my legs.

"Wh-what's going on?" I asked sitting up a little, looking up at him confusedly. He didn't say anything, just gripped my arms forcefully and shoved me back down, holding me there so that I couldn't go anywhere. He had a look in his eyes that I had never seen before. It was something I couldn't quite place; not… hate or anger… but… a deep longing? Not quite… but almost.

"C-cut it out, you're scaring me," I said shaking as that face inched toward my own. My eyes widened when identical lips pressed against mine, forcing my head back as he held me down despite my struggles. The naked, pale body on top of mine, forcing me down, matched my own perfectly, I thought, freezing for an instant.

No, this wasn't right, I thought. This couldn't be happening; my beloved brother, my twin, couldn't possibly be going to do what I thought he was, could he? I wondered, way past disbelief. Why was he kissing me? Why had he taken his clothes off? Why had he taken my clothes off?! I questioned, panicking and trying to make him get off of me as I forced my body to move.

He pulled his mouth away from mine for a second, claiming my neck instead. "Please stop..." I begged countless times, still struggling as I was filled with a new level of terror. He just bit my neck hard before latching his mouth to mine again as a response, pushing his tongue inside for a moment until he changed positions. Still holding me down, he forced my legs up to my chest and touched me in a place where he shouldn't have. I screamed into his mouth when two of the rough fingers pressed against me forced their way inside, thrashing underneath him as they pushed their way in deeper. Despite being identical, however, I'd always been much frailer than him, so no matter how much I struggled, I got nowhere.

He didn't stop, just kept his mouth pressed to mine so he wouldn't have to hear me beg or plead for him to stop. I was trying to even now. I was relieved when he pulled his fingers out but not so much when forced his way inside me in a way that was far worse, and despite my resistance, took my virginity. I screamed even louder. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. He finally pulled his mouth away from mine, crimson eyes boring into my onyx, just before he started ramming into me with bruising force, over and over, playing with my body at the same time.

He didn't say a word the entire time until I stopped screaming and struggling. I looked out the window, tears streaming as I refused to look at him. I felt as if I were being ripped apart. I suppose the blood trickling out of my body was proof enough that I was. "What are you thinking about?" He asked, noticing that I was staring out the window.

"The approaching storm," I barely managed to whisper as lightning flashed across the sky. He didn't say anything in response, just pondered the storm as I stared at it with my dark obsidian eyes. No, actually, to be correct, I wasn't just thinking about the storm, but about how the sky looked just like rape as well; so gloomy, so desolate. It looked like it could cry just as heavily as I was at any moment.

I nearly screamed when something hot and unwanted was shot deep inside me, violating me further. I winced as he pulled out, bloody from ripping me open and squeezed my eyes shut as he made me spill all over his hand and stomach.

I kept my eyes closed, breathing heavily and feeling ashamed. I only opened them again when I was given a taste of my own essence as a finger slipped past my lips. I immediately stared straight into those crimson eyes of his. It was the only thing about us that wasn't the same.

I couldn't really understand. What was wrong with my brother? Was he broken? That seemed to be the only logical answer, because this was not the B I knew. My brother… would never do that to me. Never.

"Get off, B, or I'll tell mom and dad what you did," I whispered, warningly. I wasn't sure why that thought was only striking me now. Maybe it was because I was still in disbelief that B had forced himself on me.

I was afraid when he gave me a horrible smirk as the lightning flashed, "Oh but, L, dear little brother," he said, bending toward me, "they're not coming back."

"Want to know why?" he asked in my ear. I nodded, shakily. "Because," he whispered, "They're dead."

I blinked up at him, not wanting to believe it. "Wh-what?" I asked as he stared into my dark eyes.

"They died, L," B said, like it was no big deal, fisting my black hair and pulling me into another kiss before he got up. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest as he got off, letting me fall back to the floor, walking away, still naked. I knew that this was my chance to escape and tried with all my might to get up off the cold floor but could barely move, much less run away; my head was still pounding and I hurt everywhere.

By the time I'd finally managed to get on my stomach and had started to crawl toward the nearest exit, B had returned with a glass of something. He sighed, seeing me try to get away, wincing with every movement I made, and came up to me. I looked up at him, eyes wide as he bent toward me. "Do you want to be in more pain later?" he asked, noticing that I was bleeding. I looked away, biting my lower lip. He reached out to touch me and I immediately flinched away. "Drink this L, it'll make you feel better," he said, raising my chin, looking at me lovingly. I looked at the glass a little warily, unsure if I should take it. Judging by the way B was acting though, he wasn't trying to hurt me more, so I allowed him to turn me around and sit me up. B pressed the glass to my lips and I drank whatever it was, not wanting to be in pain anymore.

I felt strange afterward and soon my eyelids got heavy though I was panicking. What if I had misjudged B? What if he was planning on disposing of me? I knew he could tell that I was fighting. No matter how hard I tried to fight though, it was in vain and blackness approached and I couldn't do a thing to stop it, just like the rape.

The last thing I remember as my consciousness faded was the feeling of my brother's lips pressing to my forehead.

--

I awoke in my own room, dressed in the clothes I had been in earlier this evening. Everything seemed to be in order as I looked around. I froze when I saw B sitting next to me. He was fully clothed as well. He looked at me happily, coming toward me as I moved away wincing a little as I did from pain. He looked at me confusedly and concernedly, brushing the hair out of my eyes while I visibly trembled before he asked, "Lawlett are you okay? You were thrashing around in your sleep but wouldn't wake up no matter what we did, did you have a nightmare? Mom and Dad are really worried about you."

I blinked. "What? But you said that mom and dad were-" I got cut off when mom came into the room with a glass of water, looking really relieved when she saw that I was awake. I looked at B confusedly. Had the rape all been a dream? Why would I even dream something like that? It didn't make any sense. That is unless I secretly desired it. Being raped wasn't something that I'd ever wanted in the slightest though, especially when it was performed by B.

I blinked at them owlishly as B grasped my hand. Perhaps I was thinking about this too much. I should be relieved that B wasn't broken. That he hadn't done that to me. One thing didn't make sense with B not doing anything though; the amount of pain I was in. I knew that dreams couldn't do that.

"What did I say mom and dad were?" B asked, interrupting my thoughts. I noticed that mom was no longer in the room.

"Uhh, nothing," I said looking down. I was debating with my thoughts, wondering if I should question B about the rape or even mention it. He didn't seem to know what was going on. I was sure he'd feel horrible or be upset if I brought it up. Maybe he'd even be repulsed if I told him that I thought I'd had a dream like that.

"B?" I asked, staring into his eyes. No he definitely didn't look like he'd done something that horrible, "I am in a lot of pain. Do you know why?" B just shook his head before telling that he'd found me passed out and had brought me to my room. He said that he'd been so worried that he hadn't left my side the entire time.

I looked away, feeling a hint of suspicion but didn't want to believe it. I would have certainly remembered passing out, but B wouldn't have, no, couldn't have done something like that, right? No matter how much I tried to convince myself that the answer was no though I couldn't shake the feeling that he had.

--

Chapter 2

--

B didn't act strangely at all in the weeks that followed either what had been a very disturbing dream or him raping me. It was very unsettling that I'd dream about it or about being in love with B every night. No matter how much I tried to push it out of my mind, it didn't work very well, always persisting. Every time he touched me it was refreshed in my mind, something he never failed to notice because I'd flinch when he did. One day he questioned me about it.

"L, what's wrong? You've been acting strangely for weeks." B said as I backed away from him. I seemed to do that a lot lately. He looked hurt when I looked up into his face, afraid and a little confused. I bit my lower lip to calm down then looked away.

I took a deep breath then looked into his eyes hesitantly. "B," I said, "please promise you won't get angry or upset if I tell you what's wrong." He promised. "Or repulsed…" I added, fear churning inside me. B crossed his arms, frowning.

"Just tell me, L," he said.

"B… that night you found me, I think I had a dream that you raped me," I stated. He blinked once.

"Think?" he asked tilting his head to the side slightly.

"Yes," I said. "I have to know, did you?" I felt relieved when he shook his head no. So he really wasn't broken; but perhaps I was. Was it normal to have those kinds of dreams?

"Why would you have a dream like that?" he asked. I flushed remembering the others. "You don't think that you might… secretly have feelings for me, do you?" he asked. I just stared up at him. That couldn't possibly be right could it? B was my brother; my twin in fact. I shouldn't have those feelings for him. I shouldn't love him that way… But…

"It seems to be the only logical answer," I said. If I wasn't raped, it really was. "Why else would I have reoccurring dreams every night?" I asked but stopped when B stepped toward me brushing my bangs out of my eyes before cupping my cheek. I froze. "Nii-san, what are you doing?" I asked as he bent toward me, lips inching toward mine. B didn't answer, just smiled. He ran his thumb lightly along my jaw line until I relaxed a little, then pressed his lips to mine. I resisted for a moment, clamping my jaw closed until his other hand slipped down to my lower back, pulling me close and making me gasp. I raised my hands to his chest and tried to push away when something warm and wet pushed into my mouth. He immediately pulled away. I blinked at him, furrowing my eyebrows when he did. He certainly wasn't acting like he had in my dream. Maybe that's all it was; a dream.

"Sorry, L," he whispered. "I… just… I love you." He said, looking very vulnerable, "can you understand?" I stared at him wide eyed, completely shocked. I couldn't even move as he started to bend toward me again, kissing me once more. B… felt the same? I wondered, remembering the look of vulnerability that had been written all over his face. I'd never seen him look that helpless before. I closed my eyes as he deepened the kiss then leaned into it, kissing him back, only pulling away when I needed to breathe. "Do you love me too?" he asked. "Don't be afraid to… there's nothing wrong with it; it's okay."

I looked away, confusion growing. "I… don't know," I said. "Please let me go." B did as I requested and I made my way toward our door. I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn't catch the smirk that spread across his face right before he lightly bit his thumb, watching me leave.

B knew exactly what he was doing by confusing me and he knew he wouldn't have to wait much longer to get the results he wanted.

--

After telling B what'd been on my mind, I realized that it'd suddenly become much easier for me to let him approach me. All that seemed to do was bring more confusion though as touching soon turned into kissing. It started with a brief kiss on the cheek a few days after he'd told me that he was in love with me then as each day passed he got braver, eventually kissing me the way he had on the day that he'd confessed that he had feelings for me. I was starting to slowly become convinced that I had feelings for him too.

One day, we were sitting on my bed and I gathered up my courage and admitted to him that I loved him too. B looked delighted, kissing me excitedly then deeply until I pushed him away, feeling that sensation between my legs again as my body heated up. It seemed that that was starting to happen more frequently.

He looked at me knowingly, pressing his palm against the newly hardened area. I bit back a moan and arched my back as he increased the pressure. He just smiled, unbuttoning then unzipping my pants just before a hand slipped past my boxers and stroked me there. Unable to control myself, I gave a long, strung out moan only stopping when I got cut off by lips pressing against mine. I knew why he'd done it. Mom was in the next room. He paused when I pulled away.

"B, thank you for telling me the truth about whether you raped me or not," I said, smiling up at him. "I really appreciate it," I said, kissing his cheek. I paused, looking up at him uncertainly when he looked away as if feeling guilty, pulling his hand away. "B?" I asked, raising a hand to his chin turning his face toward me. "What's wrong?"

"L… I have to tell you something," he said after some hesitation.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I lied to you," he said. I froze.

"What?" I asked.

"I lied to you L," he repeated. "I raped you." I stared up at him, feeling betrayed, hurt, confused and angry all at the same time when it'd sunk in. He'd been tricking me, pushing me into liking him, using my confusion to his full advantage the entire time.

"B… How could you?" I asked, feeling as though I'd been stabbed with a knife, sounding as betrayed as I felt.

"I'm so sorry, L," he said, pressing his lips to mine. He pulled away when I didn't respond. I suddenly felt so empty. B had been lying to me, trying to convince me in my confusion that I loved him as he loved me. I honestly didn't know if I did or did not right at this moment. "Would you love me if I hadn't?" He asked, looking into my eyes searchingly, pleadingly, as if begging for me to understand. I glared up at him before shoving him off me.

"I don't love you," I hissed, seething. "I don't know if I ever did."

"Please… L," he said, reaching for me, "I love you." I slid away, shaking my head. When had I become so caught up that I'd forgotten what was right and what was wrong? Even if I did love him back it was wrong. Obviously there was something very wrong with B if he'd done this to me... Perhaps he was broken after all.

"You're sick," I said, standing. Even if I could love him back, it'd be very complicated because of society. "Stay away from me. I hate you." He looked as though he'd been badly injured; as if my words had hurt him worse than any form of physical pain ever could. It nearly broke my heart but didn't stop me from turning around and storming out of the room so that he wouldn't see how much I cared that I'd hurt him.

I immediately went into the bathroom and took a cold shower, hoping to calm down and to wash away his lingering touch.

--

I only returned to the room B and I had always shared once I'd calmed and had cleared my head. I could see why B had lied to me, why he'd done what he had. That still didn't make it right though. I hesitated for a moment before opening our door then went inside.

My heart nearly stopped when I saw B, shakily raising his right hand, about to slit open his left wrist. His eyes were glazed over as if he were in a daze, cheeks glistening with fresh tears. Judging by the blood beginning to pool around him coming from his other wrist he'd started shortly before I'd arrived.

B's eyes widened slightly when he heard me scream but he didn't stop, slicing open his wrist before I could stop him. He was about to mutilate it further until I slapped him so hard that he dropped the knife he'd been holding. B looked at me, eyes dulled, skin paling as I frantically looked for something to stop the bleeding, gripping his wrists tightly when I didn't see anything.

"L, please forgive me," B whispered so quietly that I barely heard him. "I couldn't control myself anymore."

"B, you idiot, why did you hurt yourself!?" I asked, panicking as I felt blood trickle past my fingers, dripping onto the floor.

"Please forgive me for hurting you," he whispered eyes half lidded, just before he slumped toward me. I screamed his name but didn't dare let go of his wrists. He'd lost a lot of blood already. I calmed a little when I saw his head turn and his cheek rested against my shoulder as he looked at me.

"Why? Tell me why you did it!" I yelled. B just forced a smile for me as his eyes began to close but winced as I gripped his wrists more tightly. I was about to yell at him more when the door burst open.

"Lawlett Ryuuzaki, Blaine-" Our mother started, wondering what all the commotion was about but stopped, paling before dropping the plate she'd been in the middle of drying, letting it shatter on the floor.

Soon an ambulance was on its way.

--

The ambulance crew managed to get B's wrists to stop their profuse bleeding by bandaging them tightly but warned us not to touch them, lest they may start bleeding again. B was rushed to the hospital while mom and I drove behind the ambulance. She tried to question me about what had happened but stopped when I started to cry. I couldn't help but think that the whole thing was entirely my fault. What if B died? What if I never saw those crimson eyes of his ever again? This was all because of what I had said. I wished that I could take it back. My eyes widened. What if B died thinking that I hated him? That I'd never forgiven him?

Doctors operated on B to fix his damaged wrists, to stitch up the deep cuts then B was sent to a room to recuperate. I didn't leave the room once he entered it even though the doctors said that he should take days recover; I refused to.

It was three days before B awoke because he'd lost so much blood. Mom had just gone home for the first time to shower and to get a few things so I was the only one at the hospital and was sitting next to B, holding his hand. I looked up when his fingers moved and my hand was squeezed lightly.

"Lawlett…" he whispered, looking as if he were about to cry.

I immediately stood and hugged him tightly. He was awake. I couldn't believe it, he was alive. I was so afraid that he'd die on me.

"Why, B? Why?? Why did you nearly kill yourself?" I asked, eyes welling up with tears.

"Because…" he whispered, eyes closing, as tears soaked into my shirt, as he started to cry, "I didn't want to live without you… I can't… I've loved you for so long. You have no idea. When I thought I'd lost you… When I thought that you hated me… I… I…" He stopped talking and weakly wrapped an arm around my shoulders, remaining silent for a long time.

"Do you hate me?" he finally asked.

I squeezed him more tightly, never wanting to let go. "No, Blaine, I don't hate you," I said, burying my face into the crook of his neck. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it, I was afraid, hurt, confused… scared… I just needed time to think. I never dreamt that you'd do something as drastic as trying to kill yourself."

B's hand stroked my unruly hair for a moment, until I looked up at him. He was still crying. "L… I'm sorry. For everything," he said. He paused when I wiped his cheeks with my sleeve.

"I was so angry with you, thought that you must be broken for loving me, for raping me, but when you cut your wrists and passed out, possibly for good, I was so afraid that I'd lost you. It broke my heart," I said shakily as he returned the favor and wiped a stray tear away that'd run down my cheek.

"L…" he whispered, but stopped, eyes widened, when I kissed him.

"I don't want to live without you either," I whispered, only an inch away, biting my lower lip so I wouldn't cry. "Don't you dare do something like that again; promise me that you won't."

"Does that mean that you love me?" he asked blinking.

"First, promise that there will be no more suicide attempts," I said.

"I promise," B said, looking guilty. I smiled at him.

"Yes, B, I love you," I said, letting him grasp my hand, then leaned toward him because he was still weak and kissed his cheek before lying down beside him. "Get some rest," I whispered, "I want you to be well soon."

B's eyes lit up as he smiled, looking the happiest he had in a long time, then pressed his cheek against the top of my head.

"Aishiteru, L," B murmured tiredly after lying there for a few moments before drifting off. Was it really that wrong to be in love with your twin? I wondered. It didn't feel that way. It never had for that matter, just went against what society preached.

Why would it be wrong if it felt so right? I questioned, suddenly not caring anymore. B loved me and I loved him. That's all that should matter.

--

I will never forget the night my brother broke and stole my innocence. At least I hope I won't. It turned out to be one of the best things to ever happen to me in the long run once we got past the lies and denial on my part. I've never been happier since the day I realized that I loved him as he did me. Too bad it wouldn't have happened had he not raped me.

"Would you love me if I hadn't?" B once asked.

I can honestly say that the answer is no.

--

-end-
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Would you Love me if I Hadn't?