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When darkness speaks	By : Triyune Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > Yaoi - Male/Male > Sanzo/Gojiyo Views: 927 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura and I don't make money out of it.

Chapter List
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Series: Saiyuki Reload

Title: When darkness speaks

Author: triyune

Pairing: Ukoku/Genjyo Sanzo

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: angst, violence, non-con/rape and raining stones

Length: ~16.000 words, since you cannot expect PWP from me, but something which takes proper time to get out of control

Summary: Ukoku has chosen to visit Genjyo Sanzo again, seeking some diversion of a dubious kind, the past catching up with both of them.

Notes: Taking place after the momentarily last volume of Reload

When darkness speaks

____________

Reluctantly, I got up from the table to undress. Every move felt like evoking the Niagara falls down my back. It just was too hot, even for summer. If they hadn’t had a single room for me at least I would have dragged them to the next inn and on to the next. The stench of them by the end of the day was unbearable, it made me think of too many swine jammed in a room too small for them.

Sighing, I got rid of my clothes, down to my naked skin and sat down again, trying to forget the sweat with a cigarette. The laughter of people down in the street was still audible up there and it annoyed me to no ends that they were feasting and I was sweating my ass off up there. I had not even smoked half of the cigarette when I stubbed it out and got up to let the night be night without me. The sheets felt awfully warm and I slammed my head against the pillow in a sudden fit of desperation and aversion. The only hope left was that I would soon fall asleep because days were harsh and demanding too much strength of me than to be lying in bed for more than ten minutes awake.

And so it was.

When I regained consciousness I didn’t open my eyes immediately. However, I felt that there was something terribly wrong inside those four walls I was resting between. I was so tired of it. Youkai attacks at night certainly were high up on my list of most bothersome things; I hated it when they sneaked into my room with whatever plan they had to-

My eyes fluttered open when I heard my lighter clicking.

There was a dark spot at the end of my bed, even darker than the night, if that was possible at all. A black hole, I would have said, if I didn’t know better.

He sat there casually, leaned against the footboard, one leg bent, the other boldly stretched out so that his toes were just a bite away from my mouth.

He sucked in the air and blew it towards me, but not so much on purpose than randomly.

The rectangular glasses shaded his eyes in a way which only added to the anonymous silhouette he was featuring. The air smelt like patchouli and for a second I decently refused to accept that it was the smoke he had blown into my direction smelling like that.

“What do you want,” I said tersely, trying to get my mind into an alert state. The heat was benumbing me and together with the scent coming from that bastard it made my head spin.

There was a moment of silence during which I suddenly doubted being awake at all. It was silent, the chattering from below had stopped and only the moon had some sparse access to my room in the form of thin streams of a silvery gleam. I should have been afraid, or alarmed at least but I managed to get to the thought that the fact that I was still alive in his calm but threatening presence was enough to grant me safety for now.

“I’ve come for a smoke. You want one?”, he said in a voice which was too loud for a whisper and too low for the usual sound level.

I propped myself up on my arm and sat up. Immediately I felt the urge to cough, the sticky air of the night divesting me of any clear thought by now. He shifted slightly and blew more smoke towards me which made me follow the ridiculous impulse of trying to fan it away. Only when my hand sank down on the sheets again I realized that I had exposed my weakness to him by doing that. And I meant to see him smirking.

Annoyed at my thoughtlessness which could lead to death in his presence, I inhaled sharply and prepared to reply something nasty when another gust of hot patchouli hit me.

“I got my own, damn crow,” I replied with a suppressed voice, fighting the urge to cough hard. To divert his attention I reached for the pack of cigarettes on the bedside table and fished one out. Then I stared at him with lifted brows, enjoying the short moment of superiority which he marred with another cloud of smoke.

“Oh, yeah,” he effused and bent forward, holding the lighter out towards me. I would have wished him to throw it towards me rather, or at me, never mind, but you always had to be wary when he did something you didn’t expect. I bent forward as well and snatched the lighter from him.

Nothing happened, except another poisoning load of that scent being released into the air.

I lighted my cigarette and repeated my question.

“Why I just want to smoke with you,” he said with a laugh, tilting his head slightly and looking at me from the side in a way which made me feel awfully exposed. Like he could see through the bedsheet, right into my soul, right at my cock, whatever the sick bastard desired. I was breathing heavily by now, unwittingly giving my terrorizing thought shape by clutching at the sheet which drew his attention to it. Like a reflex, I could not control it and I cursed myself for acting so unmindfully. On the one hand I was glad that it was that dark in the room, yet on the other hand I would have wished to see his expression now. I was sure he could make out mine in the dim light as clearly as at daytime.

He chose to let it go without comment and instead lit another one of those gross cigarettes.

It wasn’t just the heat which was running me so hard, and it wasn’t just the scent of the cigarettes which was taking my breath away. It was his presence which was sucking me in deeper and deeper, drawing me more and more away from my own thoughts and reason, leaving me a shaking, impulse driven pile of flesh…

The day he had tried to wipe me from the face of the earth with the Muten seemed like it had happened yesterday. It was still gripping me to the marrow whenever I thought of him and the indescribably desperate feelings accompanying that scene in my head. The immense void.

Like I had never existed.

All that I had touched and all thoughts I had ever thought merging in nothingness. Not the fact that I didn’t leave any imprint on this world was terrorizing me so much; it was rather the slow dying of emotions and thoughts which could make me freak out so much that I needed an entire day to get down from this life-consuming anti-feeling again.

It had almost sucked me in completely back then. And there were dark spots on my mind which had not been there before. Like the neurons in my brain had established new conjunctions, saving that feeling in the mental and body memory, ready to easily recall it whenever it was triggered. When I delved into that feeling too deeply my toes gradually felt number and number and my hands started to shake.

It wasn’t like coffee you could drink and at the latest, piss it out again the next day, leaving a temporary impact on your nervous system.

It was in my bones, it was in my blood. Particles of nothingness, particles of oblivion. And they hurt.

“Why don’t you just finish us off,” I said with a raspy voice, instantly becoming aware of the vulnerability I had expressed by that question. My limbs felt heavy and I barely managed to get my hand to my mouth to take a drag from my cigarette.

“It would be boring without you,” he replied, his voice devoid of any emotion.

“You’re toying with us,” it came from my mouth with a snort. I wasn’t in control of my mind anymore, even less of what I was saying or doing. The lack of oxygen thanks to my own smoke I was inhaling had quite a negative impact on me.

“Am I?” he smirked. “I don’t think so. Don’t be so rude.”

I threw my head to the side to get some pure air into my lungs. Why now. Just why at night and in 38 degrees warm air.

“You know, when he is alone at night, the little halfbreed, he is being dirty, having one off the wrist, calling your name”

I held my breath and turned to look at him again. He had not changed his posture at all during our talk.

“What…”

“You don’t wanna hear that, right? But I thought you got the right to know.”

More patchouli in my lungs. I felt queasy and my head hurt terribly. I couldn’t deal with that. Not now.

“Fuck the hell off!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, sitting up, grabbing the ashtray and throwing it into his direction, thirsting for blood. But he dodged that with an ease which drove me into greater rage and I dashed forward, aiming at his chest.

Within half a second he had moved from the bed and exposed the wooden footboard into which I crashed with a horrible sound.

I did not feel the pain immediately. What I first felt was blood trickling down my forehead, blurring my vision. Thick darkness was around me. He was standing behind me. Only when I tasted the blood I became aware of the sharp pain in my head and I groaned, trying to sit up to get him into sight again.

“So ill-mannered and impulsive,” he said tauntingly, taking some steps into my direction.

He was repeating the phrase over and over again, always sending me back to those times in front of the temple where I met him conversing with Komyou. He did that on purpose. There was nothing he wasn’t doing on purpose.

It was all getting too much for me, but I wasn’t prepared for what was happening then at all.

“Let me take a look at it,” he muttered, grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled on it so that I had to comply and lift my head. My hand went up to grip his wrist and I opened my mouth to curse him, starting with a “You-” but I was silenced by him immediately when he twisted the hair in a way which made me turn my head and look at him.

He was almost touching my nose with his, looking at the cut on my head. I could smell his breath, rich in tobacco, hitting my cheek and within a second I tensed up, awe-struck.

No one had ever been that close to me. Even less face to face.

“Not that bad,” he proclaimed after some of the worst moments of my life.

Yet, they were to be surpassed by what happened next.

He dropped his gaze and looked right into my eyes. Terrified, I tried to squirm free of his grip but I didn’t stand a chance. I was at his mercy.

He sucked in the air, probably smelling my own tobacco scented breath, slightly tilted his head, touching my lips with his lower lip. Then he gave me a sardonic grin and let go so suddenly that I fell down on the bed again.

When I turned my head, irrespective of the pain, he was gone. I stared into the darkness, out of an open window where moonlight trickled in as it has always done.

I clenched my teeth and decided to spend some more moments on the bed to regain my strength. My head was throbbing with pain and I had a sour taste in my mouth but I was glad he was gone, no matter in which way he left me. Just that he was gone.

I felt so spent that I couldn’t move a finger. Whenever he appeared I could feel the air frizzling with negativity and something else I could not name. Something which defied any explanation. Whenever I tried to pin it down it eluded me, but I was worried about it since I could deal with the negativity as a phenomenon I could name and classify. The other was something lingering between us like a veil I could not clearly see and even less touch.

Despite the pain and the heat I fell asleep eventually, tinting the sheets in a dirty red.

____________

I was woken by the sun which shone directly in my face, which drew an annoyed groan from me. After a futile effort to turn around and escape the light I opened my eyes.

Slowly, reality came seeping into by brain until it had reached an extent which made me sigh with recognition. I got up too quickly; light-headed I stumbled towards the chair to get dressed and downstairs for breakfast. Putting on the robe and heavy chest plate was an abhorrent thing in this heat, but I had no choice if I wanted to live a little longer.

Muttering curses to that hated season I went down the stairs only to look at three grinning and smiling faces greeting me in a too sugary way Good Morning. I didn’t reply since the cut on my head would silence them anyway.

“Sanzo,” Hakkai called, ”What happened?”

“What d’you mean,” I played dumb and let my body fall on the chair, immediately reaching for the coffee pot. I evaded their eyes.

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

“No.”

“Well then it can’t be that bad,” Gojyo smirked, which made my head shoot up and look at him.

That very second I unfortunately got to recall what that bastard had said yesterday and I could not keep the hint of disgust claiming my face.

Gojyo was unimpressed.

“How did that happen, Sanzo?”

“Can’t you take care of your own shit, please?” I snapped back, lighting a cigarette.

“But Sanzo,” Goku interjected typically.

I ignored that and continued with my breakfast. Just some moments later I cast my eyes on Gojyo again who was chuckling too grossly for my taste.

“Simple minds are easy to amuse,” I stated sourly and puffed hard on my cigarette to muffle him with smoke.

“Sanzo!” Hakkai shouted, wielding his hand to get the smoke to dissolve.

“Our royalty is pissed today,” Gojyo sneered.

If I just remained silent he’d give it up, sooner or later.

The rest of the breakfast was spent in silence since no one dared to say any more word.

After the third cup of coffee I got up, paid for the rooms at the bar and went outside on the porch to smoke another cigarette in silent peace. Hot air hit me like a fist in my face.

A familiar scream made me look down. In front of the stairs, in the warm dirt, a dead dove I had not noticed yesterday on our arrival was rotting away. It had drawn a carnivore to it. A single raven was picking on the eye of the dead bird, eating away on the insides of it and from time to time lifting its head to evaluate the situation.

All of a sudden, I felt violently sick and tossed the cigarette towards the raven which immediately set sail and flew away under angry mocking. I took some steps aside so that in case I really was going to throw up they wouldn’t see me and ask stupid questions again. To make it all worse a hot breeze now brought the stench of the dove to my nose which tipped me over the edge and I bent over to noisily get rid of what I just had consumed minutes ago.

Even when he wasn’t there he was there. I had never felt more contempt for anyone than that black priest.

I took the seam of my robes and wiped over my mouth, spat out and turned to check whether anyone had just seen that spectacle.

Gojyo was leaning in the doorway, attentively watching me, his hands in his pockets and a cigarette between his lips.

“You don’t look good,” he said, worry, which he obviously tried to hide, in his eyes.

“Tell me something new,” I replied dryly, moving my tongue around in my mouth, still tasting the half-digested breakfast.

The moment I would start to explain myself would have been the point which would release incessancy. Questions over questions, stupid worried looks all days and a close eye on me; I didn’t need that. I could better deal with them not knowing and wondering than worrying.

So we spent the rest of the time in silence until Goku came waddling out of the inn finally. A bright flash, and jippu was ready to drive. We climbed the jeep and off we were, as always.

Almost as always.

_______

We spent the day out in the blazing sun, driving through dead land which suited my momentary mood.

I was asking myself why on earth he had come at this time. As if he had felt the nightmares haunting me those nights. They had started again when we had left the last temple. They thought they had to tell me about Komyou and his once in a lifetime visit at their pitiful little temple just because they had got to know that I was his successor. I couldn’t stand it when people talked about him, leaving me aside like I was air, describing in detail the whatnots about his personality, his smiles.

Yet, not just at night I was suffering from nightmares. The heat made it all worse. I felt lethargic and sluggish and the thought that there was nowhere to run to from it made me crazy. Every single day out there in the baking heat with nothing but my hair to protect my face. Sunburn after sunburn, still. My skin wouldn’t get used to it. It was almost like the rains, leaving me nowhere to hide from it. The others seemed to be able to deal with it easily and I wished I could change my constitution as well to make it more resistant.

He had chosen a bad time to appear again. But that was on purpose.

I tried to recall the feelings I had had when I was still with Komyou and saw him the first time. He seemed like an inscrutable adult, dressed completely in black, radiating something like maliciousness, hidden behind that strange smirk. I had been afraid of him, tried to get away from him as fast as possible because his presence was throwing me into turmoil. Komyou seemed to know him well and he could lead a decent conversation with him, talking about the journeys they had made and things I couldn’t understand yet back at that time. He talked to him in a different way than with me and I did not fully manage to choke those jealous feelings. I didn’t want to feel inferior to that man only because I was younger.

Once, when he had had a talk with Komyou in the garden again I had swept the leaves so impulsively that the wind had blown them all into his face. He had turned around, smiled, and said “You should be careful where you are brooming. If Komyou hasn’t taught you well I’ll have to take appropriate measures,” and he approached me, took the broom from my hands and leaned it against the slide door of the temple. I had missed Komyou’s consternated face because I was glaring at that man in wild rage.

“You found him in a rush basket, right?” he asked, the emotions showing in my eyes waking his combative side.

Komyou looked up and didn’t reply. He was trying to interpret the man’s voice still when it was already clear to me that it was meant as a dig at me.

“Why’s there no sign on your forehead, if you’re a Sanzo?” I asked provocatively.

“Koryu,” Komyou had turned his head and looked at me reproachfully. I stared back at him sulkily.

“Sometimes, it is better to bend than to break, Koryu.”

“Sometimes,” I replied, fixing my eyes on the man again. He had lit a cigarette in the meantime and was watching our play which seemed to provide a kind of amusement for him I could not understand.

“Why’s there no sign on your forehead, if you’re the chosen one?” he asked back, spite and derision in his voice.

That comment caught me on the off guard and I was perplexed and turned to search for an explanation in Komyou’s eyes. But he was only looking at me, contemplating.

“Say, Koryu,” he sneered with a smile which was no smile and walked towards me, “Did the river taste like salt?”

I felt something cracking inside.

Komyou got up and grabbed his sleeve, pulling on it so that he turned to face him. His gaze had darkened and he looked frightful.

“You still act like a child. Enough for today.”

The man looked at him, amused at the commotion he had caused, and took another drag from his cigarette. Komyou let go of him and reached for the broom to give it back to me. I felt like a helpless heap of misery, every emotion fading from my mind but one.

“But he’s pretty, no doubt,” the man said, keen on the last word, before he went into the temple. I looked up at Komyou and from his face I knew that I could not ask comfort of him, for I had got myself in that trouble. Komyou was a loving man, but also a teacher who knew how to hammer home the message.

He wordlessly turned and went into the temple as well and I was left alone with my pain and fears.

I had learned to hate that man. When they talked about their journeys and the fun they had had I was sitting in the room next to them whenever I was able to, listening. I wished he stopped visiting my master; it was painful to listen to the stories dealing with the time they spent together. I remembered the day so well when Komyou had kissed me goodbye and said he’d have to make a journey and he’d be back whenever time would allow it.

“Where are you going?” I had asked, trying to hold back the tears.

“I must take care of a foundling,” he had replied with one of his softest smiles, caressing my cheek.

“But…”

“I know, Koryu. Don’t cry.”

But it was of no use, telling me not to cry.

Someone was taking him from me, the only one who I loved and whom I trusted. It was like taking the world from me.

“He is in trouble, and he needs a leading hand.”

“But I am in trouble too!”

He laughed softly and put his hand on my shoulder.

“You are fine here, Koryu. You made a good recovery, and you’re on the right track. Behave yourself while I’m gone.”

And he turned and was about to leave but I couldn’t stand it and followed him, hugging his legs, tears rolling down my cheeks. But I could not keep him from going. I saw him waving at a black-haired, slender individual with glasses, wearing black robes and a scripture as well. And even if that man had been a Sanzo priest too, he was taking father from me. I couldn’t tolerate that, not at that age.

I had cried through three nights, feeling so lonely, until it had started to hurt a little less.

I closed my eyes and tried to forget those painful moments as the hot wind whipped my face. The scars that man had left on my heart were still oozing blood at times. They had never healed fully. Not much time with Komyou was granted to me anyway until he died, and then that man even took him from me ‘to make a journey’, for almost a year. I wasn’t going to ever forgive him.

The worst memory was yet to come. I tried to suppress it, push those wrought-up feelings surging up within me away but I couldn’t. After those many years they were still present as if it had happened the day before.

One evening when I had not been able to sleep, pondering over that man too much again I had got up to seek Komyou’s consoling touch. He would freely give it to me, no matter at which time of the night, he had said. Barefooted I sneaked in his room; the door was half open. But the sounds I heard made me freeze and hold my breath.

I heard sounds I would not have attributed to Komyou at all. After some more moments I realized that he wasn’t alone. When I heard the coarse voice of that bastard whispering things into the night I felt my heart pounding so hard that it ached. A hot flush came over me and I reached for the door to support myself.

Again, my world broke apart.

First, he had taken him on that goddamned journey, pinching my father, and then he was becoming his lover, taking the absolute rest from me I had believed to possess.

He had defiled Komyou.

With tears in my eyes again I ran away, not looking back if anyone had taken any notice of me. That night I had run away from the temple for the first time. The next day, Komyou had found me sleeping in the woods. He took me on his arms and carried me back home. When I woke up in his arms and saw his face I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing again, but he just smiled at me like he always did.

Komyou was a loving man, but also a teacher who knew how to hammer home the message.

“Haikkai, could you stop the jeep?” I said, my voice barely audible. However, Hakkai noticed and took his eyes from the road to look at me.

“Is something wrong?” he asked but he didn’t need a reply to see that there was something wrong. He braked hard so that everyone who wasn’t prepared for that was flung about. As soon as the jeep stood still I got out of it and took some steps away from them, breathing heavily. Sweat was running down my back under the leather top, my mouth felt dry and my tongue was swollen. Shakily, I tried to get some more space between them and me and fumbled for the pack of cigarettes in my sleeve.

Hakkai immediately got off the jeep as well and approached me with that damned worried face, asking what was going on with me. One moment later Gojyo and Goku were to my left and right, asking the same stupid question.

I dryly answered that I thought I was going to fall ill, some way, somehow. I felt them looking at each other for a second, helpless, until Hakkai went back to the jeep while Gojyo and Goku were still flanking me, dumbfounded.

Feeling a hand touching my shoulder I turned to face Gojyo.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he inquired and I knew that he knew I wasn’t going to fall ill physically at all.

Memories mingled and I felt dirty and deceived…

I pushed his hand away and shouted at him to leave me alone, finally making him back off with that. I headed for the jeep too, leaving the two idiots alone in the heat.

When I sat down Hakkai shot me a quick glance so as to know whether we could go on. He was the only one who had learned by now that if I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t going to talk. And in a minute we were off again, continuing the journey through that hopeless land, getting baked and boiled. My tongue was twice the size it usually was, but I felt so miserable that I forced myself to suppress the urge to drink some water in order to distract myself from the painful past.

It felt like days until the sun finally disappeared behind the mountains. Still, we were in the middle of that desert, the next town another day away. We’d have to camp outside.

After preparing the sleeping mat and a blanket which I took as my pillow I got rid of all my clothes except the pants, lit a smoke and squatted down on it, watching the others preparing theirs too.

When Gojyo was about to unroll his mat just two inches next to mine I looked up in protest. Seeing that he completely ignored that silent complaint I worked myself up into considerable fury, got up, turned him around to face me and pressed my forehead against his, yelling “Can’t you just put your mat a little closer to mine, yeah?”

I could feel him pressing against my head in response when he snapped at me “Yes, I can!”

“Come on, be careful with that cut, Sanzo,” Hakkai butted in, coming closer to get some space between us.

I didn’t want him to interfere so I backed off myself and kicked his mat away, raising dust and dirt.

“Fucking prick!”

The next second I felt bones colliding with my cheek, hard enough to make me stumble to the side.

“We’re gonna get your head clean again!” Gojyo yelled in front of me, shaking his hand in pain.

The only thought I could catch now was that if he wanted a fight I would give him a fight, a good one.

I swallowed, narrowed my eyes and dashed up to him, sending my fist right into his guts so that he doubled over with a dull grunt. Yet, his confusion didn’t last long; he gave me tit for tat which resulted in his knee in my stomach, sending me down on the ground.

I was blind with rage, all the stifled emotions welling up inside, pressing forth and I roared with frustration, just about to get up again for the next blow when he was towering over me, my arms pressed down to the floor like the rest of my body.

As much as I growled and writhed to get free he wouldn’t let go. Not even my legs were free; he was sitting on them, keeping every limb under control, gazing at me, breathing harshly.

I was sweat-soaked and spent, and the anger slowly turned into disgust as I was staring into those deep red eyes. Just now I realized how much damage my body had suffered during that little fight I had planned to get out of control so completely that everything would be covered in blood.

I lifted my head only to slam it against the ground again, aiming for the pain to benumb me. It was just too humiliating, getting too much, the entire week, too much to bear, the heat-

“What the fuck was that?” Gojyo asked, still panting.

I opened my eyes again and didn’t even try to hide the weariness from my face. And all I could do was stare at his face.

That he would do such a thing. At night, when he was alone.

Suddenly I got painfully aware of his fingers still wound round my wrists and I involuntarily flexed my fingers.

“Get off,” I breathed tiredly, just for the record.

Attentive eyes were fixed on mine; he was staring at me too, trying to read the emotions behind them. I heard the other two getting back to their work, spreading cans and water bottles round the camp and preparing their sleeping places.

Now the fact that he didn’t show the slightest inclination to move off me made me uneasy and fidgety and I watched him closely.

At the faintest move of his head into my direction I turned mine to the side, mouth half open, breathing hard from tension and panic. Again I tried to get my arms free and he let go this time and sat up straight, looking at me with pitiful eyes.

“I said get off!” I repeated a little louder which broke the spell and he moved. I got up just to sit down on my mat again, lighting a cigarette. In fact, I was afraid of the night, afraid of the dreams which would torture me and that feeling of endless loneliness when everyone was asleep. Nevertheless it would happen and I would have to put up with it in one way or another.

I could feel Gojyo watching me from the corner of his eyes. Annoyed at that stubborn fuck I stubbed out my cigarette and just lay down to honestly try to fall asleep, calming my racing heart by concentrating on the smell of the desert.

____________

I woke up jerking and with tears in my eyes.

It was dark, well almost; the thousandth part of a lux shedding a dim perversion of light on that godforsaken place. The sky was clouded, turning the dry heat of the day into stuffy air. The rest of the Ikkou was scattered around me, keeping enough distance finally.

Sighing, I got up and walked away from them to light a cigarette. The nightly breeze was soothing me and cooling my sweaty body.

Staring into the dark depths of the night I was searching for a point to fix my eyes on, but there was none. Not one fucking tree. An empty stone desert.

I gave it an angry snort and started walking into the heart of the night, giving in to the need to be alone while I knew that it would also eat away on my soul.

Stones everywhere. Stones and stones, dust and dirt and nothing else. I wandered around aimlessly, careful not to make any great noise to not wake them up, smoking my cigarette.

After half an hour of strolling around, lost in thoughts, I realized that I was in the middle of nowhere. I had been in the middle of nowhere before too, but now I was alone, no Ikkou in sight, just darkness. I turned around to face even more darkness.

Panic rose in my head and I felt a wave of heat surge through my body. I had completely lost orientation. I cursed them now for not lighting a campfire, but everyone had regarded it as something ridiculous, lighting a fire when it was that hot.

So I stood in the middle of nowhere, as alone as I had wished to be, but lost. While I was debating on whether to lie down right here and now or walk back into the direction I felt was right I heard steps close, and coming closer to me.

No one, not even Youkai could see anything in this darkness and even less me, so I decided to be as silent as possible to let whoever that was walk past me.

The steps stopped in front of me. I felt my heart aching with fear and I was proven that there was someone in this world who could see through that darkness very well.

Breathing deeply, I was already catching at the gun when I heard a familiar voice.

“Scared?”

I couldn’t see a bit in this dark soup but I just knew that he was smirking his ass off. Though, I kept the gun in my hand.

Slowly, I realized that it was even worse than the first time he had come to visit me. I couldn’t escape at all, running into some direction wouldn’t have got me anywhere and apparently, he could see well in that darkness, in whichever way that worked. If someone had told me he had lorenzinian ampullae I’d have believed him right out.

Feeling something touching me on my arm I jerked backwards, terrified. I was completely at his mercy again, and I could feel the paralyzing panic doubling in a second. The darkness I had deemed as safe was actually a death trap. If he attacked me, if he chose to finish the story of the Sanzo Ikkou right now with me first my companions wouldn’t even find me in time. It would rather be him who’d find them.

A sharp pain in my wrist made me cry out and drop the gun. Whatever he had done, it was way too effective than to ever consider holding a gun during the next few days at all.

I didn’t even know where he was hanging around, he could have been right next to me and I would not have noticed. Only that energy-sapping aura was all around me and I inhaled it with every breath I took so that it consumed me from the inside as well.

And there it was, the warm patchouli. Yet, I could not have told from which direction he was torturing me with that scent.

Clutching at my wrist I closed my eyes, hissing at the stinging pain in my bones. I was lost, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, unable to talk since my mouth was as dry as the stony desert around me. Somehow, I felt something moving around me, not so much hearing anything or feeling the faint breeze but rather by intuition, so I reached out only to reach into vacant warm air. I heard a chuckle left to me and I whirled around to kick into empty space again.

The following happened so quickly that I only got aware of myself again when I was caught and rendered immobile. He was standing behind me, forcing my left arm up against my back, sending such flashes of pain through my shoulder that I had to yield to the pressure. My knees gave way and I hit the stony ground; his hold changed within a second and he pressed his knee against my back while keeping my arm stretched out backwards which was about as painful as before, only that I couldn’t even use my legs to defend myself anymore either. In case I ever should have toyed with the idea of doing so.

“You fucking bastard,” I snarled while trying to move the fingers of my right hand. But it was futile. He had crushed the bone and gravely injured the sinew. It would take weeks to fully heal since also Hakkai’s healing abilities were limited.

“What is it this time?” I snapped at him, eager to get to the point and not waste time fooling around.

“Do I always need to have a reason for visiting you, Koryu?” he retorted, lifting my arm slightly higher which drew a groan from me.

“That’s not my name!” I bawled out to him, “Idiot can’t even remember my-AAAGH!”

I was almost touching the ground with my nose, bending under the pressure. As he shifted he moved his foot and rose dust which was blown directly into my mouth. It made me cough wretchedly.

“Where’s daddy to save you?” he whispered into my ear and I clenched my teeth, still coughing, instantly being reminded of the situation when Komyou went between us. My body went slack and my lips touched the ground as I gave up resistance and his weight fell down on me fully.

It tasted salty and earthy, dirty in any case. And dry. So dry.

I hardly could breathe with my mouth pressed against the earth and whenever I managed to gasp dirt whirled up and into my face.

“This is it?” he jeered, “Daddy’s whizz kid fumbling around in the dark and eating dirt?”

Every word was like a prick in my soul. I had run out of words, too busy eating dirt.

“Your priestly abilities just suck. You’ve grown up but you didn’t make any progress at all. Wielding the gun like you did back then, Koryu. Why is there a sign on your forehead when you aren’t deserving any of that at all?”

I felt sick to my stomach as I did when he visited me the first time. Whatever I would have liked to say, nothing would come forth. The tears mingled with the dirt and stuck to my face.

How many must’ve cried in this stony desert that it was that salty.

“Don’t cry, Koryu,” he cooed, imitating Komyou’s voice when he told me he’d leave for the journey.

I was trembling in every limb, pain dazing me and making me forget the world around me.

“They should declare open season for you. You’re not worth any of his faked smiles,” he whispered into my ear.

His grip on my wrist loosened, the pressure on my back was relieved and I sank down into the dirt and stones, sobbing, dissolving.

__

At the first shimmer of dawn I heard steps coming towards me again. Brown boots turned up in front of my face. I couldn’t move, I felt too drained still.

Gentle hands took my face and turned it away from the dirt, turned my head enough to look into pained eyes. My body was twitching from the cold and sweat was running down my back as I was carefully moved into a seating position. Immediately, I fell into a fit of coughing.

“Shit, Sanzo…”

Only now I realized that there was blood all over my body, yet I could not understand where it had come from since every single limb hurt.

‘Komyou’s blood’ I thought, stupefied with horror and stared at Gojyo, whose countenance now slipped completely. More throbbing steps coming towards me and Hakkai and Goku beleaguered me.

“Sanzo!” Goku cried and threw his body into the dirt next to me, just about to hug me when I flinched from his touch. I couldn’t deal with any more sensations right now; my head was a pulsating mess and the taste in the back of my mouth boded ill. I just wanted to be left alone, sitting there and sorting out reality and memories. Possibly also drinking some water.

“Just what the heck happened at night, Sanzo?”

They didn’t give me any peace. Shattered and scattered, I tried to get up but my legs gave way and I fell back into the dirt again.

It was so pointless. So pointless.

I was heaved to my feet, half carried, half dragged along to jippu where they tossed me up at the cargo area as gently as possible. Gojyo sat down beside me while instructing Goku to take my place at the front. Of course he objected to that, but there was no point in arguing with Gojyo in that state.

“Put a blanket on him, Gojyo!” Hakkai called backwards, starting the jeep.

“Why on earth, Hakkai, we got 40 degrees!”

“He’s shivering and in a cold sweat!”

I guess they were talking about me. I wanted to tell them that I was alright, but once I had managed to open my mouth I could not bring my lungs and vocal cords to produce anything which would have made sense.

A blanket was spread over me. I hated that wool so much but Gojyo loved sleeping on that.

My hand was taken and lifted up and I howled with pain. Everyone turned their heads around to see what had happened. Gojyo swallowed hard and put it down with greatest caution. He turned his head to look at Hakkai, then faced me again and took my other arm to inspect it.

Bits of skin and dried blood under the fingernails I had not got to clip for a while.

“Shit”

Hakkai was driving through the desert like mad, stones flying through the air past us, making me believe we were flying too.

The sky was clouded, the heat was gone.

I was thankful for the utter chaos in my head. The truth hurt less that way.

“Gojyo!”

“Yeah?”

“Try make him drink some water!”

“Okay!”

My upper body was lifted and plastic pressed against my lips. I turned away in disgust, coughing at the scent of blood.

“He won’t drink!”

“You have to make him drink, I believe he’s not had any liquid for…well, too long!”

“Sanzo!”

Words were flying past me, leaving me.

Again I felt the dusty flask in my face and my nose getting held. He tried to force me to swallow that viscious bloody liquid but I just couldn’t and burst into coughing when it made contact with my throat.

“Stop it before you choke him!”

The flask was hurled into some corner and the sky disappeared. So much red. Such a small cut just. Feathers were caressing my face and I closed my eyes for a moment, taking the illusion of peace for granted for this second.

Gojyo sat back again with a sigh.

After days of travelling the jeep slowed down. The sky was still clouded. My throat was burning and I could feel my heartbeat pounding in every single vein. Sick, terribly sick. Until we stood still, and the sky turned brown, and golden. Eyes gazing at me, more eyes, red.

After some moments I got pulled off the jeep and carried away from the sky. Wood replaced it and I was afraid the sky had turned solid all of a sudden. I felt so cold.

My head hit the floor hard, upheaval of voices around me and I was lifted up again. My head was in pieces. They should have taken a look at the floor, just in case they had missed a shard or two.

“Sorry but he had scratched me!”

I travelled through air, stopped, levitating between heaven and earth, then on, back to the wooden sky until I felt something soft under my sore back. So agreeably soft, unlike the stones of that desert, poking in my ribs, wandering into my veins…

Darkness spread in front of my eyes, taking more and more of the world away around me. Seized with panic I began thrashing around, whimpering, screaming my throat so sore until even my voice left me and I screamed on in silence, no sound coming from my lips but air, filled with emotion.

Something was pressing on my arms and legs but I struggled to get free. I could bear any pain, but not that darkness. Or so I believed, until a searing pain was spreading from my right arm, claiming my entire torso, paralyzing my lungs so that I was gasping for breath.

“Hakkai!”

“What?”

“His arm’s broken!”

The intensity subsided, but the silent wails of pain didn’t.

Half of the room was covered in darkness. It made me feel sick to my stomach and I tried to get up and away from it but my limbs felt leaden so I was left with no choice but to surrender to it like back on that day.

“It stopped”

“Keep an eye on him, I’ll get some saline solution from the chemist’s!”

Steps, flying.

With a broken groan I gave in.

They would declare open season on me. It tasted like dirt, sour and salty. Then, the darkness was embracing me, dousing my consciousness with a patchouli scented blow and a chuckle.

________
Light and darkness took their turns in front of me and inside me, it didn’t matter anymore whether it was outside or inside me.

Pain, everywhere. Like my limbs were hacked off my body. Pulsating pain in my head. Metal in my arm.

Harsh noises around me, shreds of words in my ears and a shrill sound.

“He’s awake…”

Swirling colours of grey and black made me feel sick so I closed my eyes again. Touch…rough and painful. I couldn’t defend myself, I couldn’t see anything in that darkness, I couldn’t hear anything in that darkness. Sometimes, there was only the feeling of raw skin on mine, sometimes upwards, sometimes…

“Don’t. He will choke.”

I was wondering whether they had managed to put my head back together. Somehow I had the feeling that one piece was missing. I wanted to tell them that it was still lying on the floor under the wooden sky but my mouth wouldn’t comply.

I wanted to get back to Komyou’s comforting lap, feel his fingers in my hair, wiping the tears off my face…

“But it sounds awful, Hakkai! He can’t be alright!”

Whenever I got close to the golden shimmer of his hair I fell into a puddle of darkness, into a grey desert where it was raining stones and dead wood. I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t hear anything and though there was a deafening noise. I was desperately trying to run, no matter into which direction, to leave, just leave it, but it was an endless wasteland with no trees, no water, no life.

“Is he still breathing…?”

Sucked dry of any life, red dust covering every single stone, the dried blood of hundreds of people who lost their lives in that desert, or maybe only just one. The sky was clouded and I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t hear anything, except a long bloody cry. A cry I knew, but which was twisted beyond recognition now.

It was raining stones.

Pain spreading in my face.

My eyes fluttered open. I was soaked with sweat, trembling and panting, exactly the way I had left that world hours or maybe days ago.

“Gods, I thought he’d never wake again”

“But do you think that was really necessary?”

“You see, it worked.”

Maybe it was raining stones, but I wasn’t alone. There was a metallic taste in my mouth and my throat felt still sore. When I intended to raise my hand to clutch at it I realized it was wrapped up in bandages, up to my shoulder. The other as well. I sighed and closed my eyes. They hurt too much.

Something was coming closer towards me with great speed and it scared the hell out of me. Panting, I opened my eyes again and saw nothing.

I didn’t hear anything and I couldn’t see anything. Panicking even more I sat up under great pains and called a name, barely audible.

Sounds, I did hear something. Sounds at my left side and a dim light.

“Sanzo?”

“Am I…” I croaked, “where…”

“It’s alright, Sanzo. You’re safe here. You want to drink some water?”

“Nnh”

Glass at my lips, but this time there was no blood in it. Just clear, cold water. I emptied it in one go, ignoring my sore throat, demanding another glass of water.

I was feeling better immediately.

“Hakkai said you were delirious from dehydration.”

He came closer and sat down on the bed, carefully moving the tube of the drip infusion aside. It was just then when I noticed that butterfly needle in the crook of my arm.

“You were a horrid sight, Sanzo.”

It had also felt like a horrid sight. His gaze darkened.

“You were screaming and tossing and turning and once, we even thought…well-”

I didn’t want to hear any more about that since I had been consciously living through all that anyway.

“What happened to my arms,” I managed to whisper.

He took a look at them. Both were bandaged up to my shoulders.

“They were full of scratch marks when we found you.”

“Who did that?”

He blinked and looked away.

“You.”

I couldn’t remember. I hadn’t seen anything and I hadn’t heard anything.

“Sure?”

“Yeah. You scratched yourself sore. Your arms, your back, whatever you could reach, it seems.”

I didn’t like the sight of my arms wrapped up in bandages. This way, anyone could see what a nutcase I was so I started tugging on them until Gojyo took my hand away.

“Better not,” he said with a low voice, “I’m gonna wake Hakkai up.”

“No!”, I spluttered, dragging my body up into the air to reach his hand to hold him back but stopping half way.

“You shouldn’t move much,” he said, continuing his walk to Hakkai’s bed.

They hadn’t seen him and they hadn’t heard him.

Maybe I hadn’t seen him either. A delirious figure in the nightmare of that ill mind of mine. It was comforting to think of it in this way, yet my right hand hurt too much than to take it all for a hallucination. In order to at least partially regain some of that stained pride I looked for Gojyo, but he was busy waking Hakkai up, so I turned to the needle in my arm, pulled it out and wiped it off the bed so that the liquid was leaking on the floor.

Just then, Hakkai got up and stumbled towards me, half asleep still.

With that goddamned smile he always wore he asked me whether I was feeling any better.

“Just from hydration?” I asked, to make sure they had not seen him at all.

“I think so,” Hakkai replied, frowning.

“Is that really necessary, to make a mummy out of me?” I attacked him, tugging at the bandages again.

“It is. The cuts go too deep than to leave it like that and I didn’t want to trouble your body with healing them in that state.”

I must have been out of my mind completely, doing that.

“Where’s Goku?”

I didn’t want to deal with him at all, it was just a polite question.

“Asleep.”

“Can I have a single room?” I addressed Hakkai dryly.

“No fucking way,” Gojyo laughed.

“I didn’t ask you!” I snapped at him, feeling my lungs aching at that strain though.

“No,” Hakkai replied in a way which let me know there was no arguing.

“Then go back to sleep, y’all.”

I couldn’t stand the humiliation any longer. May it be from dehydration or that bastard, fact was that I was lying in a sickbed with a head too full of shit than to concentrate on looking good anymore.

“Haughty bastard,” Gojyo muttered and went to the window to lit a cigarette. Hakkai was standing by my side, smiling, looking at me.

“Shut up!!!” I yelled into Gojyo’s direction, every single word provoking the hell out of me suddenly. He turned around, a glare in his eyes which assured me that he was severely pissed off too. I could feel it just across the room.

“Who passed out, hah?” he yelled back, coming towards me with great strides, “Excuse me, but we saved your sorry ass!”

“I didn’t tell you to!” I screamed, ignoring the ache in my throat and lungs. Pride was more important right now than that troubling body.

“So what, you’d have dried out there, nice, really!”

I felt defended in the most awful way. I just glared at him, panting hard but trying to hide that from him.

“Fuck you,” Gojyo hissed, turned around and went back to the window, “And put the butterfly back into place!”

That called Hakkai, who felt responsible for the technical medical shit, back into here and now again.

“Sanzo…” he said reproachfully, picking the needle up.

“You’re not gonna put that dirty thing back into me!”

“You are right, I will clean it before doing so.”

“Just fucking leave me alone!!!” I screamed, barely ending the sentence when I bent forward in convulsive coughing.

“Sanzo…” I heard Goku from the other end of the room.

I’d have cursed him too if I had had the voice to do so.

The boy got up and straight to my bed.

“Can’t you…just…” I managed between the coughs.

“Come on, he is being temperamental, Goku,” Hakkai said, leading Goku away from the bed again.

“I am not temperamental!!!”

Those were the last words I managed to give them before I had to lie down again, my lungs raw, the shouting taking its toll.

“No, you’re just being mental,” Gojyo muttered out of the window.

“Gojyo, could you smoke outside, please?”

Gojyo turned to face him and shrugged.

“Why. He’s alright, he says.”

Hakkai rolled his eyes and sat down on his bed, watching me curling up under the blanket.

All I wanted was just a room for myself. Just some peace.

The rest of the night went down in silence. Eventually, I even fell asleep.

_______________

I was intent on getting back on the road as soon as possible to grant me some private time and space so the next evening I claimed that I was feeling much much better after drinking enough water and that I would be fine with leaving tomorrow.

Hakkai didn’t buy it, nor did Gojyo. Only Goku did.

They frowned at me.

“You serious?”

“No, I’m talking for my own little amusement, idiot.”

Gojyo glanced at Hakkai who was still looking at me. This time, I knew that there was enough space for some arguing and I fixed my gaze on him, silently threatening him with the ugliest things if he didn’t approve of it.

“I don’t believe it!” Gojyo complained, knowing what that silence meant.

The next day I got up under severe headache but I managed fairly well to the table and the coffee. My right hand was wrapped in thick bandages and Hakkai had just agreed on leaving on condition that I would not try hold a gun the next two weeks at all. Not even a fucking cigarette, he had hissed in my face. I should be glad that there was hope for me to move my fingers one day again at all, he had stated.

So I smoked my cigarette with my left hand before we climbed the jeep as usual. As we left I was reminded of the merciless sun above us again. I had not perceived the heat as that annoying the last two days but now when sitting in the jeep with only clouds between me and that ball of fire I was painfully aware of it again. The stuffiness was even worse than the dry heat. It looked like it was going to rain soon.

The day passed without any annoying incident, something I was very grateful for, and we even made it to the next town before dusk.

As we were searching for an inn I noticed the massive building at the end of the street and my steady gaze crumbled.

It was a temple.

And a temple in a town meant that we had no choice but to spend the night there. I heard a muffled chuckle behind me and chose to ignore it. Someday, Gojyo would pay for all that shit.

Without a word, Hakkai headed for the temple, and from the distance I could already see the monks waiting behind the balustrade.

Getting off the jeep turned out to be a greater problem than I had thought it to be. When my feet finally hit the ground the monks were already pouring from the temple, cheering. So young. When Gojyo noticed my unsteady gait he wordlessly took my arm and put it round his neck to support me. I was too tired by the end of the day than to protest and so we took the steps, Hakkai and Goku advancing like a cowcatcher, dispersing the excited novices.

When we had finally reached the top of the stairs an older monk approached us. He welcomed us and told us that it was his duty to show us our rooms. The head priest had foreseen our arrival and instructed them to prepare rooms for us. Later, we would get to meet him; right now he was busy with temple duties.

So we were lead into the womb of the temple. It was an old building, but charming. Gold flaking off from the statues, wood creaking under our feet, but it was clean at least.

We entered a wide atrium with a small fountain in the middle of it. Right now, I wasn’t able to take the beautiful atmosphere of the arranged plants and stone garden in.

Seconds later I heard lightning cracking in the distance and I faltered, but Gojyo steadied me. The mischief had left his eyes and there was nothing left of his sly humour of before.

Our rooms were on the right side of the yard. One room for the three of them and another one for me. I knew that from Kinzan temple, huge guest rooms, space for 10 or even more people. However, I was lead to a single room in the corner of the yard, and I sighed in relief when I realized that I was far away enough from them to enjoy complete silence and peace this night.

Alone.

Gojyo helped me get to the bed, then he left me, yet turning around again with a searching look.

“You call if you need something.”

He bit down on his lip and waited for my answer to be sure I had heard and understood.

“Yeah,” I replied feebly. I needed a rest so badly. Certainly, I felt much better than two days ago, but the heat was still running me hard. Let alone the events of the past days.

“Please feel free to voice any wish of yours, Sanzo Hôshi Sama. I will come back to lead you to our head priest when he is done.”

I thanked him and let myself fall on the bed when the door went shut. My room was different from theirs. There was a beautiful, embroidered bedspread, lanterns with candles since there was no electricity available around, curtains, a carpet and so on. And a luxurious bed. Before I lay down I took the scripture and breast plate off and put it on the bed. I sighed and closed my eyes then, waiting for the monk to come back.

Two cigarettes later I heard some knocking on the door and slowly and carefully got up to accompany the monk to the head priest.

“Some days ago our high priest received the order to travel to the next temple in the mountains, they are taking the holy orders there and they wanted him to take part in it, so they sent us a representative for the time being. He was very pleased when he got to know that you would pass our town too. It is such a small and modest temple compared to Kinzan, and we do not often receive guests. I hope our little temple isn’t an offence to your person,” he said, meaning it.

“Don’t worry. I am glad I got a room for myself,” I mumbled.

“Pardon me?”

“It is very charming though.”

“Oh I am very pleased to hear that from you.”

If we had entered the womb of the temple before we now had entered the heart of it. Long, dark corridors, halls, rooms, which amazed me, since the temple had looked rather small from outside. I could hear the thunder rattling through the wood and the rain hitting the copper roof.

The heart of darkness.

Dust was in the air, stale and musty. Flags and other scraps of cloth were hanging from the ceiling. It was so totally different from Kinzan. Wood everywhere, the floor, the wall decorated with unrecognizable, mystic carvings, the flickering of the candles adding to the obscure atmosphere.

“Here we are,” the monk stated and pointed at a plain wooden door, “He said he would receive you in his private room since he is not one for the great fuss and ado. Shall I wait in front of the door to lead you back to your room?”

“Thanks, I know the way,” I told him while the very opposite being the case. But I had had swallowed enough of my pride the last days and there barely was any rest left.

“Alright,” the monk smiled and disappeared in the guts of that complex. After a short moment of staring after him I turned to the door, knocked and entered, keeping my eyes cast down until I had closed the door. ThenI turned to face the priest.

A stinging pain in my chest made me gasp and I stumbled backwards until my back hit the door.

“Welcome to Karesansui-ji, Genjyo Sanzo Hôshi Sama,” he intoned, raising from his chair, spreading his arms, and approaching me with a smile.

Despite the candles in the room it was unnaturally dark and there were shadows dancing on the walls. I was not sure where they came from.

“Where is the head priest!” I demanded to know, gulping down the blinding panic and bad taste in my mouth.

“Since when are you so concerned about other people, Genjyo Sanzo?”

“What happened to him?!” I shouted, immediately made aware of my lungs not having recovered fully.

“Nothing,” he chuckled, “He’s in the mountains to help take the holy orders. How about a glass of sake. Persimmon sake. Too expensive for good Komyou, but never too expensive for his disciple.”

I was paralysed, unable to move until he was so close to me that I could smell the tobacco-patchouli scent of his clothes again. He wasn’t wearing his raven black robes this time; he had chosen a white robe, his hair loosely assembled in a mock ponytail. His glasses framed red-rimmed eyes…eyes, if you could describe it as such at all. It was rather two eternally swirling black holes, like those cavities didn’t contain anything but the perversion of nothingness. It sent a shiver down my spine.

After all, I had sent a bullet straight into his eye.

Two hands slammed against the wooden wall, left and right to me, and he leaned in to whisper against my lips, “You wanna sit in daddy’s lap tonight?”

If it had been possible I would have pressed my head through the wood.

Misfortune had it that it wasn’t possible. Not one bit.

With my good hand I reached out and aimed at his flank to get some air between us but he caught it in the blink of an eye and twisted it around so that I groaned with pain.

Though, he moved back slightly and looked me in the eyes. And it was a frightening experience to look him in the eyes, or what was left of them.

“I would have left you one good hand for jerking off, but if you don’t need it,” he sneered, tapping his finger tips on my hand.

Enraged by his boldness I tore at my hand to free it from his grip and he let me, licking his lips in pure malice.

“Get off me!” I snapped at him, pushing him away with my elbow. He let it happen and turned around, not without showing me his teeth when smirking, and went to the table to pour us two glasses of sake.

Again, I could not run from him. This time not because the landscape didn’t permit it, but rather that my pride didn’t permit it. Like a wounded animal it was thrashing and kicking, striving for gree. Only to prove my superiority I sat down and took the glass, eyeing him warily, never leaving him unwatched. He crossed his legs and the robe slid from his thigh, baring leather pants similar to mine. The sight of that gave me a stinging sensation in my stomach but I gave my best to prevent that from showing on my face.

Asshole.

He leaned forward, resting his head on his hand.

“That’s not your best appearance, you know. You look seedy. But still.”

“Still what?” I barked. I just couldn’t stand that man. Endless innuendos and nastiness taking turns and neither was something I would have described as enjoyable.

“But still.”

He looked at me with something in those black marbles I could not identify.

“I should’ve made you join it and we’d have had a gang bang…but you were too young. Your ass too tight.”

I just had poured the sake down my throat, and I couldn’t remove the glass from my lips then. I could feel the alcohol leaving burning tracks on my mucosa. When I had digested those words and their meaning I huffed and threw the glass on the floor with such force that it broke, right in front of his legs.

Enough was enough. I got up on shaky legs and turned to just leave the room; I wasn’t going to put up with that any longer.

“I’ll kill him”

I froze and clenched my teeth, turning around slowly again. He was still hanging in his chair like before, but his eyes were gleaming. I wiped the sweat from my forehead, snorted and sat back down again.

“Blackmail this time?” I said with a strained voice, ready to burst into tears from emotional exhaustion. It was so pointless. He’d let me go when he wanted to, and not when I wanted it.

“Have another glass of sake. It’s not that bad, is it.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and rubbed the despair away, back into the depths of my mind. If I wanted to have a talk with him I had to concentrate and be attentive and such feelings were just counterproductive.

If a talk was what he wanted.

During those days driving through the desert I had scrutinized his soul. Even the brightest, cleanest sun got dark spots from which solar storms would emerge, and there were various of those on his soul. He was by far not infallible, it was only what he pretended to be, or he even believed in it by now to an extent which made it real for him and he didn’t need to fake it anymore at all.

I took out my pack of cigarettes and lit one, blowing the smoke into his face. He just closed his eyes and smiled in what seemed like fascination.

“Why don’t you do us a favour and just kill yourself?” I said casually, taking another drag from my cigarette, “Isn’t it boring, loved by no one, lonely, senselessly existing from one day to the next?”

Actually, it was some kind of immature squabbling, but right now, I drew satisfaction from it.

He lifted a brow and sat up, gulping the sake down, then fishing for a cigarette himself.

“What makes my life so different from yours?” he purred, crossing his legs again.

For a second, I was left dumbstruck.

But I knew that my life made sense…I just didn’t have it at hand right now.

“I have established a stable kind of meaning in my life, which you don’t have” I said, smiling one-sidedly.

I thought I had hit the mark with that, but he surprised me.

“I’ve come to live with it,” he said matter-of-factly, sending his patchouli smoke into my direction too.

“What a pity,” I declared, relaxedly leaned back as well and puffed my cigarette.

“You know you got the same dry sense of humour as Komyou?”

“Hardly.”

I did not want to hear those words from his mouth. I did not want him to compare me with my master when I had his blood on my hands.

I looked away, staring at the door, lost in thoughts, only the familiar taste of my cigarette consoling me. I just wanted to kill him, but I knew I didn’t stand a chance.

So I had to hurt him.

“Why so?”

Turning my head again I banned those thoughts from my mind to be able to give him a glare.

“It was more subtle and less biting,” I said, casting my eyes down, suppressing sentimental feelings from surfacing on my face.

I’d never bow to anyone else than my master. I snorted and gave him a challenging look.

“Maybe you’ll resemble Komyou even more when you’re older.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. He just didn’t want to get it.

My head was swimming now, but that couldn’t be from two glasses of sake. Or three. Maybe four. Who knew.

“Your eyes…although his were gentler, and more naïve. But when you get pissed, it’s all the same. Komyou rarely got pissed but my, when he was, it was apocalypse swallowing the earth. You are very alike.”

Caught between listening to his words about Komyou and ignoring them to keep out the pain I reached for the bottle and poured myself another glass.

“And you are completely unlike each other,” I said tauntingly.

Giving in to that satisfying fight again I looked up from my sake and glared at him.

“Maybe that is why he favoured me over you.”

And the satisfaction the slight change in his gaze gave me was worth all the previous pain. So untouchable, so sublime…Ukoku, the raven.

I was waiting for an answer. Instead, he emptied his glass and refilled it instantly. Then, the smirk returned to his face.

“He didn’t. Or did you fuck him? Daddy’s little girl, too pretty than to be torn apart, right?”

Those sexual digs at me were unsettling me the more I heard them.

I was breathing so hard while trying to suppress the urge to kill him right there that I was shaking.

“But you’re old enough now,” he said in a low voice.

He seemed to enjoy the unease he was evoking with those words immensely. Undoubtedly, so the smirk told me.

“Come to papa,” he whispered and shot up from his chair so quickly that I couldn’t follow with my eyes. The next second I was up on my legs, held up by that bastard, one-handed. I could feel his breath against my neck and for my taste he was much too close again.

“Did you ever think that Komyou’s watching you when you’re doing it? His pristine, pure girl…” saying that he ran his hand down my stomach, fumbling for the entry between my robes. I squirmed and writhed, but his grip on my arm tightened even more. If he just would get his hand off me…

When he touched my dick I jerked back reflexively, causing him to snicker in my ear.

I hadn’t expected him to be serious about it. I had taken it for some more or less harmless jibe but now that his hand was resting on my dick, fingers feeling for my balls I went blind with fear. Gasping, I tried to wriggle myself out of his grip but he had sort of expected that and as an immediate response squeezed my balls so tightly that I would have doubled over, hadn’t he held me up.

“You’ve had your chance, Genjyo Sanzo. You just could have left and let me kill him.”

“Damn you, frigging pervert!”

As he bit my neck my knees gave way, numbed from the bite which was hard enough to draw blood. I could feel his breath on the bleeding sore for a moment until his tongue darted out to lick the blood. In a desperate attempt to break free I whipped my head around against his, hoping for the glasses to break and pierce those goddamned empty holes.

They did crack, but something else too.

I found myself on the floor again, short of air, my stomach a searing painful mess. Towering over me was that bastard, holding the glasses in his hands, absently plucking the splinters from his face. The wretched wheeze reminded him of my presence again and he looked down at me.

“Never mind, I like you reluctant and violent,” he said with a kind of grin which made my mind ache with revulsion. He threw the glasses away and squatted down next to me. Without the glasses, his eyes were unbearable to look into.

He smiled at me and got up, fetching a bag with something heavy inside. The inside was clinking and I had no idea about the content whatsoever. Yet, that had to be least of my worries since he was starting to undress me.

The sash was ripped from my body with such force that I rolled over on my back. He savoured that sight for a moment, letting his eyes slide over my body from head to toe. Then he bent down to unbutton my pants and I revolted, desperately trying to sit up but ultimately, giving up and just protectively placing a hand over my dick to keep him from pulling the pants down.

When he saw that look in my face his eyes grew darker with something I absolutely didn’t want to experience being acted out. My pants were violently pulled from my legs and coldness spread on my groin, making my dick retreat even more if that was possible at all.

“You remember when Kami and I visited you? You loved playing with marbles, but he wasn’t allowed to join the game and he came running to me crying. Such a spoiled child; Komyou was treating you much too well. I’ve brought some along, we’ll play together this time.”

He reached into the bag and bore a marble of the size of a small hen’s egg, the largest you could find on the market. It’s inside was black.

Whatever he was up to with that thing, I was sure it wouldn’t be pleasurable, but it seemed like my displeasure was his pleasure. The uneasier I got, the darker got his smiles.

He took the marble in his mouth, moved it around with his tongue for a moment and took it out again.

I turned my head away when he pushed my top up my stomach to touch my skin. And I couldn’t keep myself from jerking when he touched it. It was too embarrassing.

“So sensitive, Genjyo Sanzo…I would not have expected that. Your heart is racing.”

My body was quivering with emotions when he ran his finger down from my ribs to my navel, slowly, taking in the velvety feeling of virgin skin under his finger. He laid his hand flat on my belly then, watching it slightly going up and down as I was panting

This couldn’t be happening. I would have died of humiliation if that really was happening.

He traced along a scratch mark then, so very gently as if he felt sorry for what had happened to my skin there.

“You were a pitiable sight that night.”

I could barely hear what he was saying, the pounding in my ears was too distracting. Shutting my eyes tightly I tried to move away from this place, dissociating. But not even that was granted to me. Suddenly, he slapped my face so hard that it collided with the floor on the other side and I stared at him big-eyed, feeling a familiar kind of pain spreading on my cheek.

The last time it had been Gojyo slapping me.

“Almost like now,” he sneered, stroking my cheek with his other hand, “You can make eyes like a doe, then, the other time, they look like eagle eyes…though, I like those of the doe more…”

His hand disappeared from my belly and searched its way through the fabric down to my ass cheeks until it had found what it was looking for. With every touch my displeasure and tension just grew.

Without any word of warning his fist collided with my belly, and he used the bodily confusion for shoving the marble up my ass.

I wasn’t used to that. I wasn’t used to any of that, even less something going into my ass but before I could tense up to get it out he added a second one.

That was too much for me. The sake was working its way through my brain, leaving the areas of speech and body control devastated. Probably many more than just those two, but for now, the loss of them was most evident. A simple, miserable “No” left my lips and I tried to press the balls out but he was blocking them with a third.

‘You call if you need something,’ it was echoing in my mind. But they must not see me like that. No way. I wished for someone to save me, to just carry me away…

“You like that game?” he sneered, faintly touching the tip of my dick which made me swallow hard and close my eyes again.

Why me.

The shame, the degradation…I felt sick again.

He wet his fingers, then shoved the third marble in and after that, like on an assembly line, one after the other disappeared in my ass. I had stopped counting when the thirty-fifth set forth on its journey into my guts. By now it started to hurt; whenever he was adding the next they shifted in my bowel, like a snake worming into my flesh, causing a griping pain in those areas.

“Stop it,” I panted breathlessly, my head spinning and throbbing. It sounded quite miserable, but I couldn’t help it. Now that I had gone so low as to beg and plead I had nothing to lose anymore.

And the bag still wasn’t empty.

“That doesn’t suit you at all, Genjyo Sanzo.”

He moved closer to me to revel in that contorted face of mine. Sweat was running down my entire body and I felt at such unease that I wouldn’t have known where to start releasing tension first. With relish he shoved another marble in and watched for the wince, which he inevitably was granted.

“You look like you’re enoying it,” he whispered, kissing pearls of sweat from my face.

If I just could move, but I felt so troubled and weak that another attempt was just pointless. After all, I had had the chance, and I wished I had seized the opportunity and left.

“That’s cause pleasure looks similar to pain,” I hissed between clenched teeth, rising up against him in despair for another time.

“And which is which?”

“Well, am I hard?” I huffed, talking to him like to an idiot.

“Not yet,” he grinned.

Another glass ball disappeared and marble by marble I lost the hope to leave that room conscious. My ass felt sore from the friction since he wasn’t using anything else than his spittle to lube up the marbles.

Then, there was the smell of patchouli smoke again. I couldn’t believe it. I had been distracted for just a second and the bastard had lit a cigarette while happily fingering me. My hate just grew with every moment of my ass being exposed to him like that. By now I was wondering what he had done to me so that I couldn’t move at all. Neither my hands nor my legs would respond and I was forced to watch marble by marble disappearing between my legs.

Suddenly, he got up and kicked me in the side so that I rolled over with a cry again, coming to lie on my flank. Before I realized what he was up to I felt a little prick in my ass and just a second later it hurt so much that I couldn’t but tense up the ring of muscles which worsened the cramps.

Bastard.

I had been entertaining the thought of getting rid of them the very instant he had pushed in the last one but I just could not have told when the last one really was the last one.

A wave of sickness and pain washed over me when I saw that those marbles were filling my belly to an extent which surely wasn’t healthy anymore. He knelt down behind me and fondly stroked my bloated belly while I was desperately trying to work out how to breathe with that load of shit inside. Every touch sent electrifying pain up my chest and I couldn’t help but gasp and writhe in pain.

His hand slid down, circling my navel, then gripping my dick which made me arch into the touch.

“You definitely have grown up.”

Hot panic almost let me lose consciousness when I realized that I was hard. Considering the pain I was experiencing the erection just had to have another reason. The possibility that I was getting hard from pain was non-existent for me. Not even in my fucking dreams.

“Don’t touch me!” I yelled, my voice full of despair and anger.

But like so many words of mine they were sent into the air without any effect.

“No? But why are you so hard then?”

My cheeks got flooded with heat although I tried hard to keep the embarrassment from showing. And I wasn’t even sure why I blushed at all.

“We’ll find out, don’t worry,” he assured me, winding his fingers round my throat and pulling so fiercely that I had to comply and follow his move, getting up on my legs as well as possible. The marbles in my guts shifted again and the new weight distribution triggered more straining cramps. I prayed to the gods that he’d be finished soon.

While having me in the headlock he hauled me over to the bed where he let go of me and I collapsed.

A kick into my stomach sent me over the edge, rendering me defenseless completely.

How could a human being be that sadistic, so obviously enjoying the pain of another. It was sick.

With the sash he had drawn from me about an hour ago he fixed my hands at the framework of the bed, irrespective of which angle my arms were, irrespective of the shattered bones, irrespective of the twisted position I had to assume. When I thought it couldn’t get any worse he picked the pants from the floor and wound them around my throat so that I barely could breathe anymore.

“You want some more sake?”

By now I was sure he had put something in it, after all he was a scientist and certainly also some sort of chemist. An easy one for him to get me hard.

He knelt down on the bed between my legs, stalking up on me like the raven on the dead dove, knowing it was easy prey.

My last best hope was to appeal to his weakness for competition.

“Where’s the challenge,” I panted, the fabric almost choking my words but still clear enough for him to perceive them.

His face was right in front of me, drinking in the beauty of that disordered being. The pain made it difficult for me to speak.

“Raping a tied up man?” I had to pause for a moment, enduring another fit, “This is it?”

He put a hand on my shoulder and engulfed my lips, kissing me hard. He tasted like sake and tobacco…so hot and wet…I tried to turn my head in disgust but he kept it in place, lightly touching the tip of my dick again so that my hips rocked forth. I felt so humiliated by that move that I allowed him to kiss me to just divert his attention from what had just happened. But of course, the gentle kissing didn’t take long to turn into a violent ripping of flesh and tongue. While he was biting whatever was in his reach in my mouth he lowered his groin so that his erection touched mine.

How could I be so hard when feeling so appalled and disgusted. I almost forgot him tearing my lips apart, trying to get my dick to calm again with sheer willpower but he sabotaged that plan by dearly rubbing his dick against mine. Chuckling through his nose, he continued the cruel kiss until he seemed satisfied and drew back to look at me with eyes speaking of pure sexual rapture.

“You are no challenge to me. You never were. Unlike him,” he whispered and smirked right into my face.

The thought that he had been doing similar things to Komyou drove me mad. I did not want to have images in my mind of Komyou screaming out in pleasure while he was fingering him…or when he was fucking him…

“Get it over with!!!” I shouted at him, blood splashing on his face from the torn lips, “Just fucking screw me and let me go!!!”

“Then, where’s the challenge?”

I wished someone could hear my silent screams. No matter who, no matter whether it was one of them saving me or someone of the monks.

He sat up to unbutton his pants and bluntly took out his erection.

“You ever done a blowjob? Komyou was a pro at that.”

Terrified, I stared at his dick which was already leaking pre-cum. That image woke the panic in me again and I was kicking against the sheets to get as far away from that as possible, at least being able to loosen the pants around my throat.

“Exactly, that is the height we need,” he stated, moving closer with the dick in his hand still, now stroking it with his thumb.

I could smell it. Even if he had taken a shower two hours ago I would have smelled it. It wasn’t like genitalia smelled like peach and honey.

For a moment, I caught my breath because I felt like throwing up, but I couldn’t for long; my state forced me to suck in the air again and turn my head to the side in distaste.

Grabbing a fistful of hair like he had done it the first time he had visited me at night he forced me to face him again and the very second my eyes met his he thrust in, shoving it in to the hilt.

My entire body revolted against that. I shut my eyes tightly and gave a muffled groan of pain and dislike, my palatine flap irritated too much than to be able to suppress the gagging reflex.

He drew back slightly only to thrust in full-on again. My fingers and legs twitched in discomfort and I meant to choke from gagging and the lack of air.

His fingers slid over my cheek and he drew back enough to let me turn my head to the side again and heave my guts up. The salty, greasy taste of his cock mingled with the sour taste of the alcohol and I let it flow down my side due to my reduced mobility, trying to get rid of as much of that mixture as possible.

While I was still throwing up he stuck his dick in my mouth again, making some of the vomit end up in my windpipe which was fatal. I opened my eyes wide and bucked, panic-stricken, feeling the urge to cough now in addition to the puking.

Tortured sounds were coming from my nose and as the vomit was still dripping from my mouth he let me hear a husky grunt which just worsened my despair. Apparently, turned on by what he was seeing he arched back into my mouth so violently that he sent my head against the framework of the bed behind me.

Every further push slammed my head against the frame, but it didn’t take long, whether that was a good thing or not, since after a few more violent thrusts he came, adding his filthy cum to the absolute chaos in my throat.

His cries of pleasure were my misery. I couldn’t take it all at the same time and I had no clue about the entire thing at all so when he shot his load into my mouth I acted up again and it came flowing my nose, dripping on my chest, giving me the worst sensation of my life.

Through the wheezing and coughing I could hear him laughing. His dick was still hanging in my mouth which made it difficult to breathe, gag and cough simultaneously. Besides, the gross feeling of the semen in my nose wasn’t helping at all; it just made my flesh crawl with disgust and took my breath.

Finally, he moved back and sat down on my thighs so that his balls were pressed against my dick which reminded me of my own hard-on. In fact, I could barely see that since my belly was blocking my vision.

He had stretched me to the limit. There wasn’t one inch of flesh left which didn’t ache. I wouldn’t be able to hold those marbles any longer but I didn’t know what would happen then. I was still trying to sort out the turmoil in my head and respiratory system when he started pumping my dick which made me come to life again.

“No…” I whimpered, fully aware of what I was doing right now. But it didn’t matter anymore. He had stripped me bare of any pride.

“They call it the smoking dragon,” he whispered, still a little out of breath from his orgasm, “It looks cute on you…”

I turned to spit out, hoping I would also free my dick from his hands with that but he knew no mercy. I wiped my chin clean with my forearm, not willing to give him more pleasure than he forced out of me anyway.

“Still reluctant,” he grinned wickedly, “You have a thick skin, don’t you?”

Not thick enough for him, I thought, but hell if I let him know. I missed the meaning of that phrase in my current state, otherwise I would have thought about that rape in a different way.

“With bastards like you in that world…” I snarled, “It has become a necessity for-”

I got stuck in the middle of the sentence since I couldn’t ignore the sensations of him jerking me off any longer. An angry moan left my lips and I glared at him, fidgeting about with discomfort and horniness, intent on keeping my mouth shut from now on and exploding inside for all I cared, but never let him hear such sounds from me again.

“Give me one of those moans again,” he said pleadingly, eyes fixed on my face.

“Fuck you!!!”

He pumped harder and I arched into his touch, fully slave to my urges, trembling, muscles and guts contracting, adding strangely to the illegally pleasurable sensation.

Damn that dirty bastard.

When he let my dick touch the inside of his hand as well when pulling down the foreskin I got lost in it and loudly moaned with pleasure.

A marble slid from ass.

I froze and my body fell down on the bed. I couldn’t breathe nor say anything, my lungs had gone on strike. So close… I threw my head back in frustration until I became aware again of who was drawing these feelings from me actually.

“Kkh…” I panted, clenching my teeth at my dick begging for more.

He looked at me like he was out of his mind, an almost loving look on his face, which unnerved me completely. Just when it seemed like he realized that I wasn’t panting anymore he looked down to find the glistening marble between our legs. He picked it up and rolled it around in his hand, leaving stains on his skin.

I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that all. And though I was lying naked in front of that bastard with an aching dick which came from the gods know where. Maybe I needed it that badly that it didn’t matter anymore who was giving me what I craved for. I had not just once had a dream which left me waking up wet.

Yet, when I watched him licking that marble clean from shit and mucus I knew that whoever it was, it never on earth could be that man. I tore at the ties to emphasize my displeasure. Neither was I enjoying his fucking game of marbles nor the goddamn smoking dragon nor anything else following that.

“Seems like it’s time to leave,” he said in an almost lugubrious voice.

Without any further words he got up and I moaned at my legs being released from that bony ass. I swallowed air, hot from the hand job and on the other side so very glad that it seemed to be over finally.

He disappeared to my left and suddenly, my arms fell down, numb and aching. From the corner of my eye I watched him taking his robes and getting dressed again. I would only have to hold back the tears until he was gone. Just some more moments. I curled up on the sheets, holding my stomach, smelling patchouli scented smoke and shit.

He bent down and picked something up from the floor, I could not see what it was at first. Only when he approached the bed to take a candle with him I recognized it: it was my gun.

His eyes were empty.

Lazily, he walked over to the corner in front of me and when the small flame lit it up I was deeply shocked. Pressed against the wall by the Muten scripture was a monk of middle age, eyes wide open, his mouth gagged with the scripture as well. He couldn’t move at all nor make the faintest sound; the scripture seemed to absorb everything. A gagging sound escaped me when I saw the monk tied up like that, being reminded of what it felt like to have the Muten scripture on your skin.

The bastard pressed the gun against his temple, then turned to face me with a provocative smile.

“You could say it was him. And that he had to pay for it.”

Before I could move or interject anything I heard a head-splitting sound for the fraction of a heartbeat until it was completely muffled by the endless void of the Muten.

The gun was fired and blood gushed out of the priest’s head. Slowly, the scriptures began to dissolve and the slack body fell down.

He tossed the gun on the bed, bent down to pinch my lip to draw blood from it again and with the other hand wiped some semen from my nose. Kneeling down in front of the dead monk he smeared the blood over his chin and lips, pushed his robes and undergarments aside and rubbed the semen under his foreskin and over his dick.

He got up, gave me another one-sided smirk and then he was off, disappearing in the darkness of the corridors of Karesansui-ji, the temple of dry landscape, where it was raining stones.

For a while, I stared at the dead body in front of the bed, filled with a feeling of life-threatening emptiness and loneliness, my head devoid of any clear thoughts.

There was only pain.

The only sound which was left in the room was the steady rhythm of the rain hitting against the roof.

___

In the morning they found me in the dead representative’s room, in a soiled bed, reeking of shit, cum and sweat. Sixty marbles scattered in pieces of shit, a blood-smeared gun and a half alive, half dead priest; naked, shivering, and still hard.

They told Goku and the monks to wait outside and locked the door behind them. When Gojyo knelt down in front of the bed I turned my head to look away.

I wished to disappear, to dissolve. He should have killed me rather than leaving me alive and broken like that.

The taste of cum was still in my mouth and I coughed.

“You got a cigarette…I need to get rid of that taste,” I breathed in a tearful voice.

From the corner of my eye I saw tears streaming down his face.

He should have killed me rather than leaving me alive like this.

_______
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When darkness speaks