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Rites of Passage	By : Triyune Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > Yaoi - Male/Male > Sanzo/Gojiyo Views: 925 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki and any related pre- and sequels, nor do I make money of writing steamin' pron including the characters of that series.

Chapter List
- 1-The arbitrariness of being
- 1
Series: Saiyuki Reload Blast
Title: Rites of passage
Part: 1
Author: triyune
Pairing: Gojyo/Sanzo
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: angst, choking, delayed orgasm, bind, torture & kill cum
Length: 5.000 words
Background: The story takes place in the Blast universe after they’ve heard from the three aspects that they no longer need to travel westwards.
(notice: I am not a Native speaker but I do my best to make my English studies worth the time I've spent there. Please be lenient with me when it comes to commas ;) It's been a long time since I've written a longer text in English.)
Now this is the first part of a whole story that will be posted in small bits like this one.
Every part contains different aspects, also rating- and warning-wise, which I will always point out at the beginning.
Hope you enjoy!

Rites of Passage
Part 1

„What’s up with you?“

„Nothing,“ I replied dryly to hide every other emotion which pressed forth.

“After two years you can’t fool me anymore.”

I kept silent until he dared to take two steps towards me. If I had been well I would have gotten up and left the room, but the truth was that I was worse than unwell. Due to my own stupidity, so I had to confess after all, my right side was a mush, only kept together by bandages and pain. If it hadn’t hurt I would have thought that I didn’t have an arm and a leg at all because I barely could feel anything, nor move those limbs. I had managed to get my body on this bed, but I hadn’t managed to get it up again for two days by now. It started to occur to me that it wasn’t so much a physical problem, but rather a mental one. I didn’t want to delve into those fields now at all, so I turned my head away from him at least. The only thing I was capable of, except of pissing and breathing.

“I mean, I can’t say I am blissfully happy, but it seems to be worse with you.”

I remained silent until he finally sat down. The mattress slightly moved, but it was enough to worsen the pain in my burned side and I hissed. In fact, it should have gotten better by now, but instead it had gotten worse. Hakkai had taken care of it so we could visit the three aspects, but after leaving that temple the pain had been overwhelming. As if there had nothing been there anymore that was worthy of staying well. I was aware of that. And I failed to keep up any hope, but I didn’t want to discuss that now, no matter how close we had gotten already.

“Okay,” he said dismissively and got up again, which made me suppress another hiss.
He went to the window and lit a cigarette and instantly, I felt the crave to have one too. However, mine were out of reach, like pretty much everything.

“I know that things haven’t turned out too well during that visit,” he started again and I couldn’t keep myself from rolling my eyes at that attempt to get closer again.
“Seems like they forgot about the scripture anyway. Looks like Prince Nataku is going to burn and burry it together with everyone inside that castle.”
He paused and looked outside. Somehow, I had stopped caring about that scripture. True, it had been my master’s, but it just wasn’t worth it. To hell with it. I couldn’t spend my entire life chasing after dead demons.
After all, what was worth anything?

“Besides, I don’t know how long I will be able to accompany you.”

That made me turn my head. I knew that he was talking about the Youkai marks. Instantly, I felt a pang of utmost despair. A wave of heat followed by an intense feeling of depersonalization seized me and I was glad when it was over again. But it was these moments which consequently weakened me, bit by bit, and it seemed like the breaking point had already been hit.

“Bullshit,” I muttered into the dark to pretend to not be affected by his words in the faintest.

“If you think so…”

I didn’t think so at all. During our journey I had seen some men turn into Youkai and I had witnessed quite some losing their minds and going totally postal. Images of Gojyo slaughtering men, women, and babies turned up in front of my eyes. And I would have only one option when things would turn out that way. I would be left with no choice. Thinking of that killed the last bit of happiness which I had managed to hide in the farthest corner of my mind and my eyes got wet. I was so embarrassed and at the same time so overwhelmed by this feeling of hopelessness that I didn’t know whether to take care of these tears or the situation in general. In the end, I decided for the tears and turned my head away again. Within the next few moments I got aware of the imminent inevitableness of his murder.

We had slowly been approaching each other for months, spending evenings together in bars, sharing rooms and in the end even connecting body-wise. Well, not exactly body-wise but to the extent of touching each other. We had got used to each other and I didn’t regard him as a nuisance anymore. Maybe I didn’t love him, but I had gotten used to him, that probably was the right term. I accepted him as someone who was by my side to kill the deadly boredom of everyday life.
On the other hand, why should someone get so emotional about losing someone when he was just used to him?

I would be the one who would have to blow his brains out.
And to be honest, imagining that now, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do so when it would come to that. I’d rather get torn apart by him than kill him. That wasn’t right either, but that way, I would have been out of that affair.
Something was tickling my face, so I turned around and looked into his eyes. He was leaning over me. I unwittingly licked my lips.

“Bullshit, right?” he whispered.

The beauty of that Youkai bastard in front of me let tears well up again. I didn’t want to live with the thought of losing him soon. Someone who had just gotten used to someone didn’t care, did he. I did.
He turned his head to the left but soon turned his eyes on me again.

“How about you turn into a Youkai too?”

I wasn’t up for nonsense and showed him so by just staring at him. He got it and finally sat down on the bed again next to me, cross-legged.

“What is it anyway that gets affected by that wave? Is it in the blood? It must be the brain, right?”

I had asked myself that as well. It would have been easier to cure all these people than to shoot them.

“It’s a wave and it manipulates the brainwaves. You ever heard of curing depression by electroshocks? It changes your mood, your behavior. It seems to be similar, fucking up your brain.”
My throat hurt because it was swollen from suppressed tears.

“And the bodily changes? I mean these marks don’t show up because I am going crazy, are they?”

It felt like losing him to dementia.
I was close to giving in to the tears again, but I got a grip on myself, feeling too embarrassed already, so I tried to concentrate on this factual discussion.

“Obviously, Youkai are born Youkai,” I managed to state, “before the minuswave, they seemed okay. I don’t know what it is like with halfbreeds like you, though. There’s human and demon blood and the demon part seems to react. Like evolution within a few weeks.”

This was out of control.
Years ago, I had got to know him on the search for Hakkai and he had opened that door. I had seen the red eyes and hair and pigeonholed him. The poor bastard of a Youkai whore or Youkai dude, worthless.
However, during that journey he had proven to be more loyal and wittier than some other humans. I had gotten used to him by my side. And now, something was taking over which I could not control at all.

I would have sat up at the insight, but I wasn’t able to.
“It can’t be the blood. If it is brainwaves it can’t be the blood and I doubt that human beings and demons have different brain structures or brainwaves. Why do they not change the human behavior as well? Granted, the minuswave might have an effect on the hypophysis so you grow claws and fangs and all that shit but the markings on your skin? Hakkai’s got them too when he takes off the limiters.”

He had been staring into the dark, listening, but now he looked up with big eyes, desperately.
“Whatever it is, I don’t want this…”

I pressed my teeth together and felt the pangs of that total helplessness. I couldn’t help him at all. And he knew that as well.
Instantly, another scene showed up in front of my eyes where I shot him and then myself.
Why, if I had only gotten used to him? It was about time to admit that he was more than just a travel companion I had gotten used to.
We were just two lost idiots sitting in the dark, having been touching each other for months in silence, never talking then, keeping our emotions to ourselves. But what for, if we felt the same? Wasn’t it time to admit it if I could lose him to the minuswave any moment?

The thing was, there was no hope. No hope for a good future, no hope for a working relationship, no hope for anything. And it was this hopelessness which made me chuck the whole business and attitude and made me ready for the deep shit. Sometimes, you gotta lose everything before you can win again.

“I love you,” I whispered, anxious as fuck.
Never in my life I would have come up with the idea that I once would find myself in a situation which was demanding this from me, saying these words. Not this prick, that cold-hearted, twisted idiot I was.
It felt like time had stood still. An awful moment of silence during which the heat crept up my cheeks and he was watching that.

“Love you too,” he said with a voice which let me know that he was holding back his tears too.
As romantic that was, this relationship had no prospects. It might have had without that wave but not like that.
The fact that he had admitted that as well shoved me deeper into despair. We were so close, we had even managed to expose our souls to the other and then we had such little time. It was like I could feel the wave getting stronger.
Maybe, if I just stayed in bed and stopped eating, everything would be alright again. Usually, things didn’t change at all when I did that, but it was always worth a try.

He sat in the darkness, silently; I lay in the darkness, silently. There was no hope. Every touch was the touch of death, we wouldn’t know when the final scene would be set, but it was definite.
Eventually, he got up and went to his bed. When I heard him crawling onto his bed I craved him by my side because I felt lonely as fuck. All I wanted was to fall asleep, being held by him. Nothing more, nothing less. A little wish from a little man.
I had already admitted that I loved him, so why wouldn’t he come to my bed then. On the other hand, how should he be holding me when my right side was a burning mess? Even the smallest wish was pointless.
I fell asleep after silently wetting the pillow with some more tears.

_______________

I woke up to the sound of moans.
Horrible, tortured moans.
The next second I realized that they weren’t coming from me. It was Gojyo’s voice, barely recognizable because I had never heard him moan in his dreams before.
It sounded awful. Heart-piercing sounds of utter despair. I knew what nightmares felt like and which feelings caused these sounds.
I listened to him for another minute until I decided that I couldn’t bear it anymore. But what could I do? I could barely move…but I needed something that could move…

After another minute of hard contemplation I started chanting. It was easy for me, I could summon the scripture in my dreams by now if need be and it didn’t demand much concentration anymore.
The scripture materialized already at the last few words and I sent it towards him. However, I was aware of the dangers of that action; too forcefully and I would kill him. I did let it seize him, otherwise I could have blown some air into his direction just as well, that wouldn’t wake him up.

Indeed, Gojyo woke up with a scream and I immediately let the Maten dissolve. I didn’t see much in the dark; the moon didn’t shed enough light to make me see details but I just saw him sitting up in his bed and I could hear him panting.

“Sorry, I had to wake you, I just couldn’t hear it anymore,” I commented.

He didn’t react at all.
When I woke from nightmares I made sure to leave the bed as quickly as I could then, leaving the scene of despair and getting away from it as far as possible. He, though, seemed to be lost in his dreams still.

“Gojyo!” I shouted into his direction and he jerked.

“Wha?”

“Turn on the light.”

He switched on the bedside light and only then I got fully aware of that terrible sight in front of me. Trembling, bathed in sweat and with the look of a lunatic he gazed at me. The red hair stuck to his skin like shiny veins, his hands were resting on the sheets. Only when my eyes slid over his arms I noticed that there was blood on the sheets. Deep cuts on his arms and chest were leaking blood.
We gazed at each other in silence.

I didn’t quite know what to do. Had I been able to I would have gotten up to light a cigarette but I was tied to the bed. We eyed each other until he clumsily got up and went to the table to fetch his cigarettes.

“Me too!” I called towards him.
He lit his, then he sat down on my bed and stuck it between my lips. When he lit it I saw his red eyes gleaming in the dark.
Again, he silently stared into the night. I took a drag from my cigarette and closed my eyes at that glorious feeling.

“Why me,” he said with a shallow voice.

I snorted.
“Why me what? Have you ever heard me asking why I had to be crowned a Sanzo and have to retain this fucked thing? Why me Sanzo?”
Of course I had often asked myself what kind of crime I had committed in my previous life that the gods had sent me back with this darned task.
But it was the wrong time for that kind of thing; arrogance wouldn’t help. He clearly had given up and didn’t question his fate anymore, he had accepted it by posing that question.
He turned his head and looked me at, lost. There was no way how I could help him.
Or maybe there was.

I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think straight and I couldn’t offer him any words because anything I would have said now would have been something like ‘Just pull yourself together, will you’, or ‘Go back to sleep’ which would have helped as much as a huge hole in his head.
So I decided for the fun part of it. Past had shown that he was always in for that. If he was going crazy soon we’d have to carpe diem the time we still had left for us. And if he went crazy he wouldn’t be able to tell anyone about it either and maybe he would even forget about it…it was like doing things with a drunken man, knowing that when he was sober again he wouldn’t remember them anymore.

I put the cigarette between my lips and pretended to scratch my nuts. Inevitably, that caught his attention and led his eyes to that spot.

“I don’t think my entire right side caught fire. I haven’t managed to check yet.”

Inside, I laughed my ass off at that truly clever pick-up line. I wasn’t someone to say such things but this situation required some other behavior than my usual attitude.
It took him some time and smoke clouds to realize what I was hinting at.

“No?” he said, taking the cigarette from his lips and blowing smoke into my direction.

“No.”

His look changed. His eyes narrowed slightly and showed some life again.

“Someone should check then,” he said in that self-confident voice I was used to and took the seam of the sheets.
My heart started pounding like mad. Now I wasn’t so sure anymore whether that had been a good idea to invite him to check my nuts. However, in this confusion, I couldn’t defend myself anyway and he didn’t leave me any choice.
Slowly, he pulled the blanket down over my chest, lower, baring my belly and stopping just under the first sparse pubes. A quick glance at my face to assure him that I approved of it, then he leaned forward and traced my belly down with two fingers. Whatever he had seen in my face this moment, it surely wasn’t approval.
But it wasn’t annoyance either.
This wasn’t someone I just had gotten used to.
That was someone I trusted more than others and someone who, in turn, was allowed to do more things than most were allowed to.

His hand rested on my pubes, his fingers gently caressing the skin. I couldn’t resist.
That was someone who pushed my buttons to an extent I was afraid of.
His other hand lay down on my dick and I unwillingly jerked at the unfamiliar sensation of someone touching me there.
Suddenly, I felt scared and shifted in discomfort, reaching for his hand and moving it away. The smile disappeared from his lips and he searched for an explanation in my eyes.
This wasn’t someone who didn’t matter to me. His mood caught me as well and I felt confused and nervous while I had been the cause of it actually.

He took the cigarette from my lips then and got up to stub it out. He closed the window shutter and when walking back towards me he took something from the chair where my clothes had been placed, then he turned off the light. Blind now, I listened for his steps and felt him sitting down again. I couldn’t see anything, my eyes hadn’t gotten used to the darkness as quickly as his obviously had.
But anyway, he wound something around my head and made a knot behind it. I lifted my hand reflexively but it was slammed down on the bed with such force that I even forgot to defend myself against it.

“What the-“

Warmth covered my lips. It tasted salty.
While I was trying to identify that sensation I felt his hand on my belly again and again I jerked under the touch.
His tongue explored my mouth meanwhile; I was paralyzed and couldn’t do anything.
This was someone who took the freedom to do whatever would please him.
While his lips moved over mine his hand wandered down and he squeezed my dick. I jerked again and hissed, feeling the stinging pain in my right leg since I had moved it as well.

“Yeah, this turns me on…” he whispered into my mouth, firmly gripping my dick and waiting for me to voice my desperation again.
That wasn’t someone who as afraid of explicitly voicing his wishes.
I pressed my head into the pillow and he followed with his mouth, quickly closing the gap between me and him again, kissing me wildly. I did try to break free from his grip but it was pointless. That wasn’t someone who would let go of something he wanted to possess.
I had been defeated already anyway; blind, immobilized and with a growing dick. Defeat tasted nice.

I bent my knee and rubbed it against his body which made his kisses all the more fervent. He let go of my dick and one moment later I felt his finger in my ass. This was a feeling so strange and unfamiliar that I reared up and gasped, turning my head away from him to free myself from his kisses.
But he didn’t get it and shoved it in deeper which made me tug on my arm to free it as well.

“Don’t!” I panted in blind confusion, winding my body as much as possible to get some distance between me and him.
Suddenly, his hand disappeared from mine, but only to grab my chin and hold my head in place, so he could continue kissing me while he started moving his finger in my ass. I gasped into his mouth and tried to push him away, but it was futile. He had found that dreaded spot by now and was massaging it so passionately that I froze in terror and bliss.
That wasn’t someone who would do what others told him to.

His mouth left mine now and I felt his forehead pressing against mine, his breath coming in fits, hitting my cheeks.

“Don’t…” I started again, already being aware of the futility of that as well.

“Why,” he breathed against my skin with a voice I had never heard before.

Another twist with his finger and I cringed under his touch, groaning.
It was too embarrassing.

“Just don’t-“

His lips were on mine again, bruising them this time, his teeth pulling on my skin, pulling on my tongue, keeping me concentrated on that while I almost missed him letting go of my chin.
And suddenly, the kissing stopped and I didn’t feel his breath on my face anymore.
It was silent, except for me panting, and dark. I slightly turned my head, feeling insecure. I couldn’t see shit, while he certainly could see me as clearly as he just wished to.

One short touch and I arched up into the air, moaning. My right side was a stinging mess but I couldn’t care anymore.
This wasn’t someone who didn’t care.
His lips closed around the tip of my dick and I stifled another moan, my arm helplessly searching for his head in the darkness. He stuck his tongue into the slit and my arm fell down, clenching the sheets.

Then, I felt him pulling on my head. The piece of cloth was pulled from my eyes and I prepared to see something, but I didn’t see anything at all. It was pitch-dark.
My arm was violently thrown against the bed frame behind my head and within another second, tied to it.

The mattress moved and then everything went cold.
I couldn’t feel him anymore at all.
I shifted and turned my head to maybe recognize something from the corner of my eyes, but it was also too dark for that. Fear crept into my head; I couldn’t see shit, I knew there was someone in the room, but I didn’t know what he was doing, nor where he was, nor what he was planning to do right now…my breath sped up again and I nervously licked my lips.
I had to close my eyes at the sudden pang of lust.

This was unfamiliar to me, this was not what I enjoyed, this was not what I liked.
And though, I got so hard at these feelings of fear and defeat that I already silently begged him to continue.

“Where are you?” I rasped into the darkness, trying to distract him from my hard-on with my words.
I didn’t get any response. No sound, no touch, no contact.
That wasn’t someone who was easily understood.
I lay there in the darkness, blind, tied to the bed, unable to move, waiting for him to turn to me again.
Waiting.
My hard-on had grown to a painful size already.

“Say ‘please’,” I heard it close to my ear, sneering.

I quickly turned my head, but he was gone.
I didn’t like how things had turned out. Usually, I was the one on top. During these months when we had carefully felt for each other, gotten closer and finally met, I had always been in command of the tempo and of what was allowed and what wasn’t. Often enough, I had taken his hand off my crotch and often enough, I had shoved him away when he tried to kiss me and eventually, I had allowed him to touch me there and kiss me. He had never been allowed to touch me when I had been naked and he had known about that.

He had offered himself to me implicitly various times, knowing that I would understand what he intended to do, but I had never accepted that offer. I enjoyed having him on the hook, I enjoyed exercising that kind of power over him…just like he enjoyed exerting that same kind of power over me now.
That wasn’t someone who had a simple mind.

And before I would say ‘Please’ I’d rather go to hell.
A faint touch on my balls reminded me of my current situation, though, and I ditched the thought of rather going to hell than saying ‘Please’.
The suspense was unbearable. Unfortunately, it added to my arousal. The longer it was silent and dark, the needier I got.
His tongue slid over my nipple and I couldn’t but moan. He was slowly tracing circles around the nub then, adding pleasure by massaging my balls, which hurt by now.

“Fuck…” I hissed when he touched me there, getting aware of the mixture of pleasure and pain in that region now. He kept torturing me like that until I was close to an orgasm without any touching of my dick at all.
And suddenly, he disappeared again. I pressed my teeth together in frustration. The pain had become unbearable by now and I didn’t want that moment to turn into pure frustration, so I prepared myself for saying what he wanted.
After another attempt of freeing my hand from the ties I finally gave and turned my head to the side, my cheeks burning with embarrassment and lust.

“Please…” I snarled.

The heat on my cheeks grew, my cock demanded some attention in the only way it could and my arm, which was tied to the bed, started to hurt as well.
Nothing happened.

“Fucking please!!!” I screamed into the dark, only to find my throat being seized uncomfortably the next moment.

“Please what?” I heard it close to my ear.
I couldn’t breathe at all and I felt like gagging, but I couldn’t. Someone was vividly pressing my windpipe, oesophagus and other important arteries against each other so that none of them could work appropriately. I tried to form words, but I did not succeed at even that. Desperately aroused, I wound myself in that iron grip, but he didn’t let me move at all.

“What?” he repeated.

When he touched the tip of my dick this time I remained silent, simply because I couldn’t moan. He had raised the tension to a level which was unhealthy.

“Please,” I managed to grate finally when he loosened the grip slightly.

“Yeah, please, we’ve already had that. Please what?” he sneered at me. I could hear the glee in his voice.
Never I would have come up with the idea that he enjoyed such things. Nothing had ever hinted at that. I couldn’t say that I really objected to that but currently, I didn’t feel too positive about it either.
I tried to free myself again but more out of a hurt ego than seriously. Still pointless. And it was so humiliating. I was at his mercy. And when I realized that, I gave in and started to enjoy the whole show without regrets.

“Please make me cum”

The words hurt. It felt like being defeated by the world, heavens and hell. The embarrassment benumbed me.
But only until his hand closed around my dick and started pumping. My throat hurt, but I couldn’t keep myself from moaning. I never would have thought that I was the expressive, outgoing kind of lover when it would come to sex, but the moans I just couldn’t hold back showed me that my behavior did not follow my thoughts of myself.

“Yeah, come on…” he fuelled the fire and tightened the grip around my throat again. In a weird kind of manner, this suddenly added to my arousal as well and I reached my climax. I arched into the air, silently screaming with pleasure and pain at the same time, blind, mute, filled only with thoughts of him. It was unbearable, the pain, but it was worth it.
When the waves of that intense orgasm started to fade again his grip loosened and I could feel his lips on my cheeks, gently kissing me.
This wasn’t someone who was easily pleased.

I coughed the shit out of my lungs until my throat felt dry and sore. He sat down next to me and embraced me. However, he touched the burnt spots by doing so and I flinched in pain, but he didn’t let go. And soon I understood that I had to take that pain because what he was giving me was superior to that pain.
Comfort.
My brain was a mess of satisfaction, questions, pain, fear and love; my body was wet, aching and shaking.
And that all because of a fucking nightmare.

Two single tears escaped my eyes but I was sure he wouldn’t notice. Overwhelmed by strange emotions I snuggled up to him.

“I’m sorry,” he said with a strained voice, “I didn’t know it would get that rough.”

I needed some moments to prepare for an answer, also because I had to swallow more tears. All of a sudden, this situation seemed otherworldly to me. This couldn’t be me, lying there in the arms of a man. And this couldn’t be him, holding that other man. It must have been two other men but not us. Currently, I had my doubts about being able to respond in a somewhat intelligent manner, so I remained silent for some more moments until I came up with something he would actually have replied.

“I don’t mind you going crazy if this means going crazy.”

I felt his embrace tightening and the pain in my right side sent me through the roof. Grimly determined to not let him hear the faintest sound of pain, I breathed hard and coughed. My grip on his arm tightened but I wasn’t aware of that. It was like a cougar toying with a mouse. The mouse had never had a chance.

“I don’t believe you,” he said and snuggled up to my head with his.

______________
- 1
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Rites of Passage