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The Taming of the Shield Hero	By : Bruce_Juice Category: -Misc Anime > Het - Male/Female Views: 16803 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a NSFW non-profit parody of the acclaimed (?) light novel series The Rising of the Shield Hero by Aneko Yusagi. Media Factory & CR hold the novel and anime distribution rights, respectively. I own none of it. I'm just a guy.

Chapter List
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The Taming of the Shield Hero
♦ Part 1 ♦ Gearing Up ~ Nice Melons
“Alright, you folks ready for this?”
Erhard, famed blacksmith of Melromarc, looked upon the eager faces of his three favorite customers. Their eyes were glued to the small wooden box he had just placed on the counter. Undoing the final latch, he revealed what may have been his finest work yet.
“Ooh, shiny!” exclaimed the smallest audience member. A little blonde girl stood on her toes to peer at the treasure, her feathery wings beating excitedly behind her.
“It’s huge,” Erhard heard from the other young lady across the counter. She, too, had peculiar animal-like features: a long ringed tail, and cat-like ears atop her head. But even more striking was the way she carried herself. She possessed a sense of nobility and grace you’d expect from the kingdom’s finest knights.
Lastly, the young man standing between them reached forward and took the object in his hand. Its metallic shine was reflected in his dark green eyes. “That’s some high quality steel,” he mused, running a finger along the surface. His voice was even and cool, but Erhard could tell the lad was genuinely impressed.
“Ho ho!” the blacksmith laughed. “Praise from the Shield Hero himself, it’s an honor.”
The Hero looked over to his fuzzy-eared companion. “Raphtalia,” he signaled before tossing her the goods. She caught it swiftly, eager to get a closer look.
“Yep, just as you requested. One ten-inch steel baton, with a smoothly tapered base and ribbed, er… shaft.” Erhard stumbled over the words. Glancing at Raphtalia, she seemed more than a little impressed at his craftsmanship-- distractingly so. Well, he thought. She ought to be the curious type, being part cat and all. Or, er... raccoon. Whatever.
“Let’s see…” he continued, stroking his beard and looking at the rest of the items he’d already laid out. “Twenty meters of rope… iron chains… miscellaneous belts and straps… and that little beauty you’re holding now.” Raphtalia was still marveling at the subject. “Am I missin’ anything, Naofumi?”
The Shield Hero shook his head. “No, old man. That’s everything.” He paused. “Oh, except I might have to return—”
“Can I ask what ya need all this for?” the blacksmith interrupted.
“A relay race!” the baton-bearer blurted out.
“Rock-climbing,” Naofumi said at the same time. The blacksmith cocked an eyebrow while the two adolescents exchanged worried glances.
“Yes, a… rock-climbing relay race.” Naofumi cleared his throat and spoke quickly. “It’s in a small town, middle of nowhere. Rockington. Lots of rocks and cliffs and the like. Wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve never heard of it. Anyway…” He ran a hand through his messy black hair, trying to look more relaxed. “How much do I owe you?”
“Thirty silver.” Erhard wasn’t going to press further. He’d heard the rumors about this kid, but nothing of any merit. An honorable man thinks for himself, makes his own conclusions, and minds his own business. Certainly, the Shield fellow was a bit off-putting at times. But if anything, Erhard pitied him. Naofumi would never admit it, but this blacksmith was likely the closest thing he had to a friend in this world.
“Hey, didn’t mean to pry. It don’t matter to me; custom orders are great for business!” He began filling a large canvas bag with the Hero’s requested items.
“You’re welcome.”
“Speaking of which, the slave trader down the street was raving about you the other day. Said his business has never been better, thanks to you!”
“Hey, if it helps put value back into the economy, I’m all for it.” Silver coins slid across the counter.
Erhard chuckled politely. “That’s our Shield Hero!”
“I mean, do I like slavery?” Naofumi threw his hands up in dismay. “Of course not! But that’s the society we live in. Erhard, I respect that you’ve maintained such a successful business without relying on the ugliness of the slave trade. But not all of us are that fortunate! It was tough making the decision to buy a child slave. And then a second one. But circumstances as they were…” He sighed, glancing over to the bright-eyed girls just beside him. “At least I can take comfort in the fact that I treat my slaves well. I’ve offered them a better life than most will ever see in their position. Considering all that, should we even consider them slaves at all?”
“Alright, buddy. Just trying to make casual conversation.” The blacksmith pocketed his payment and watched as the youngest girl, Filo, tugged at her owner’s sleeve and quietly asked what a “slave” was.
Erhard grunted. “You said you had to make a return, too, didn’t ya?”
“Oh, right.” Naofumi reached into his cloak, producing a small, round object. “Here’s your melon back.” He set it down.
Erhard stared blankly.
“My melon? You were just borrowing…?” He trailed off, lifting the overripe fruit off the counter and turning it over in his weathered hands. His brow wrinkled as he found a coin-sized hole bored in the melon’s underbelly. After catching a short whiff of the ominous orifice’s odor, Erhard’s puzzled expression exploded into one of disgust.
“Oh fuck!” he exclaimed, reeling backward. The melon fell to the floor. “What is that smell??”
“Shit.” The Shield Hero’s face quickly turned red. “Uh… sorry, I might’ve forgotten to wash it out the last time--”
“Excuse me??”
“Here.” Naofumi made frantic gestures to retrieve what fell behind the counter. “Nevermind! I’ll take it back--”
“I’m not picking that shit up until you tell me what’s wrong with it!”
“No!”
“Naofumi!” the old blacksmith scolded.
“I fucked it! Okay!? I fucked the melon!” The shop fell silent for a moment. Naofumi clenched his teeth, painfully aware of how much he was blushing. “Are you happy now??”
“Am I— no!” Erhard kicked the fruit over to the far wall. “Get this fucking shit out of my shop. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I needed practice, okay?” The young man mumbled his words as he looked away in shame. “My birthday is coming up, Raphtalia promised that she’d—”
“No. Ask yourself, boy, why the fuck would I want your used fuck-melon? What made you think…”
He paused.
“What was that last part again?”
“Raphtalia promised—”
“Oh God.” Erhard looked over Naofumi’s shoulder, locking eyes with the young woman in question. Her raccoon ears had perked up at the sound of her name. Quickly stuffing the baton into a pouch on her belt and snapping it shut, she answered with a small, confused smile. It was clear she’d only just started paying attention.
The blacksmith sighed, looking back at Naofumi with cold suspicion. The boy was still avoiding his gaze.
“Is this legal? This can’t be legal.”
“Listen, I know what you’re thinking…”
“I’m about to call the authorities, kid.”
“... but Raphtalia is a full-grown, consenting female.” Naofumi steadied his breath and looked his accuser in the eye. “If she and I be pleased, what’s that to you? The fact that I bought her as a young slave girl a matter of weeks ago doesn’t change a thing!”
“What.” It sounded even worse out loud. In truth, tanuki and other demi-humans aged according to their level, not just with the passage of time. Raphtalia was no exception. Training rigorously aside the Shield Hero, this young slave girl climbed the ranks and reached adulthood in a matter of weeks. Spectacularly, Erhard watched her grow, physically, into the strong and capable woman standing before him. Physically. But mentally…?
Yeah, he thought. This shit is definitely fucked.
“Please, Uncle Erhard!” Raphtalia stepped forward, bringing her hand to her chest as if vowing loyalty. “If we may have your blessing—”
“My what now?”
“I know you’re concerned about my feelings in all this,” she said, arriving at her master’s side. The tail behind her fluttered as her hands slipped around his bicep. “But you see, I’m proud to be Naofumi’s sword! And soon... his sheath.”
“This is not okay.”
“Come on Old Man, get with the times!” The Shield Hero gestured valiantly, completely forgetting his earlier embarrassment. “Masters and their slaves can form healthy, sexually active relationships just like anyone else. I’m not beholden to whatever backwards era you come from… Oi, Filo! Don’t touch that!”
Filo had picked up the discarded melon, now inspecting it closely. Naofumi snatched it away before she could take a bite. Erhard croaked in protest to everything unfolding before him, but he couldn’t find the words.
“What?” asked the Shield Hero, indignantly. He followed the blacksmith's gaze to the young cherub beside him. “Oh, come on dude, I would never with her! I’m no kid-diddler. I hate kids.” He rolled his eyes. “Speaking of which…”
“Good to know you draw the line somewhere.”
“... you don’t happen to have any forms of birth control in this world? My pull-out game with the melon was pretty weak, and I can’t afford to feed another one of these things.” Naofumi laughed, patting Filo on the head. “Guess we could always sell the happy accident when it pops out, but it’s just a liability, really, dealing with all that.”
Erhard’s face was buried in his hands at this point. He couldn’t stand to look at these once-valued customers any longer.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please, just…” He raised a finger to the door. “Get the fuck out of my shop. I don’t want to see your faces ever again.”
“Alright,” Naofumi scoffed. “Raphtalia, looks like it’s entry from the rear.”
The warrior placed her hand firmly at her side, feeling the ribs of Erhard’s custom-built steel baton through her leather pouch.
“I’ll be ready,” she said.
With that, the Shield Hero’s party turned and left the shop. The owner looked up just in time to see Naofumi toss his dirty fuck-melon onto the floor. A parting gift.
“Asshole!!” Erhard yelled after them.
“Yep, that’s the plan!”
~ to be continued ~
Omake
As mentioned earlier, there were some unsavory rumors surrounding the current Shield Hero. They’d call him a degenerate... a rapist... a dirty homeless fuckboy... how sad. Just a day in the life of a Gamer. Unfortunately, after the events of this chapter, “melon fucker” had been added to the list. The blacksmith wasn’t one to gossip, but one way or another, everyone in Melromarc was spillin’ the tea about the Shield Hero’s fruit-fucking exploits. What a loser, they said. Fucking a fruit— how pathetic. He probably had to cut a relatively small hole in the melon, too. Embarrassing, that is.
Against his better judgment, Naofumi took to Twitter within 24 hours in an attempt to get ahead of these toxic rumors:
Shield Hero Naofumi @TateNoYOLO69
i didnt fuck a melon. i didnt cum in a melon. i didnt put my dick anywhere near a melon. Ive never done anything weird with my melons. I promised myself i wasnt going to make apology videos after last years thing so im just trying to be as short and honest with this as possible. (1/?)
Somehow, to the Hero's surprise, this only made things worse. He deleted his account and tried to focus on more productive things, like sticking his dick in an enslaved human being instead of a fruit.
A/N
If you’ve ever had sex with a fruit, please don’t be ashamed. In fact, feel free to leave a review describing your experience. I’m legitimately curious as to what it’s like. What kind of fruit was it? Did you microwave it first? Is it worth washing out and reusing, or must it aboslutely be thrown away, in your opinion? I really can’t find it in me to try it myself, so... well, actually... if I ever find a lady willing to try out the ‘Grapefruit Technique,’ then I feel like that counts. It might be even better than fucking a fruit on its own. ‘Cause you know... you’re actually having sex? With a person? I hear that’s better somehow.
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The Taming of the Shield Hero