Eaten by the Monster of Love

This started out as a little joke thing done hearing a Sparks song but I got carried away. (This is not a song-fic)

CS = crime scene = menstrual blood = possible squick It will all be in Chap. 2 which can be skipped... Very explicit, about consenting adults.

You have been warned of the material and OOC-ness so please don\'t flame me for it.

Hellsing is owned by Kouta Hirano, Pioneer Entertainment, and others. I have no rights to any of these characters. No copyright infringement intended or implied. I am writing this story simply for my own entertainment and that of other adult readers.

The song \"Eaten By the Monster of Love\" is owned by Ron and Russell Mael.

Eaten by the Monster of Love


Well, it\'s Saturday night and I\'m still free
And I ain\'t never gonna be
Eaten by the monster of love

It\'s hard to fight it off much more
I hear it drooling by the door
Eaten by the monster of love

...

Sometimes it takes a nip at me
But I\'m too quick to ever be
Eaten by the monster of love

It was a Saturday night and as usual Integra was stuck in the office. She would rather have been out on the mission, but Walter had once again convinced her to stay home by promising her constant updates. As usual she got the impression that he thought she should have something more relaxing to do on a Saturday night, but they were so busy she had taken to calling it the Night of the Living Dead.

Finally things calmed down a bit and she had a chance to do some paperwork. After informing someone who would never actually read the paper of the uninteresting fate of fifty rounds of ammunition, she grew bored. She considered going up to the library and bringing a book back, but when she looked at her desk she saw that there was already a book there, apparently left behind by the cleaning staff. She shrugged and opened it.

It turned out to be an extemely smutty romance, definitely not much like the blunt and gory military histories that were her usual reading fare. It was all completely silly of course, but the male lead seemed to have an impressive anatomy and she continued turning the pages. The two main characters were getting into a very interesting position when Alucard popped in.

\"Master!\" he said, sounding absurdly cheerful for someone who had just put down a small freak uprising single-handedly. \"Stuck in the office all weekend again?\"

She put the book down. \"Good work as always tonight, Alucard,\" she murmured, slightly distracted.


\"Shouldn\'t you be getting some sleep?\" he asked. \"Oh, I see, you\'re too preoccupied with your reading material,\" he continued, reaching for the book.

She pulled it back. \"Somebody left that here,\" she muttered. \"I wasn\'t really reading it.\"

Alucard grabbed it and began leafing through the pages. She grew uncomfortable. \"Give that back!\"

He began to read out loud. \"\'Gavin was a tall muscular man with legs like...\'\"

\"Stop it!\" she yelled.

Alucard grinned. \"Hmm... Martina, now she sounds interesting. Apparently her nipples are...\"

\"None of your business,\" she said, grabbing for the book again. He held it up out of her reach. Finally she gave up. On the rare occasions that Alucard was in a playful mood, she usually found it best to just put up with it until it passed.

\"I\'m just getting to the good part,\" he continued. She sighed.

\"They kissed passionately, bruising their lips with desire.\' This is awful!\"

\"I wasn\'t reading it!\" she lied.

Alucard merely shook his head and continued to read out loud.

\"\'He ran his tongue up her thigh\' This is why I haven\'t read a novel in centuries. No subtlety.\"

She rolled her eyes. \"Yes, Balzac was really subtle.\"

\"You have to read Balzac in the original to understand him,\" he retorted. \"If you want a romance, perhaps you should settle for say, Jane Austen.\"

\"What makes you think I want a romance?\" she asked.

\"Well, when you\'re sitting around reading something like this,\" he said, opening the book again. \"\'She screamed and clutched his shoulders in climax.\' Hmm, it only took them two pages, no sense of timing.\"

\"Please just put the book down.\"

\"Not until I\'m finished. \'She was hot and wet. He shoved his throbbing member...\'\"

Finally she started laughing. \"It doesn\'t even say that.\"

\"How do you know, if you weren\'t reading it?\"

\"Fine, maybe I was reading it. I have to have some fun.\" She was joking, but she suddenly realized she has said exactly the wrong thing.

Alucard leaned provocatively over her chair. \"Fun. This is what you call fun. Sitting around by yourself reading hideous attempts at erotica. And you don\'t ever wonder what it might be like in real life? Never?\"

It wasn\'t the first time Alucard had leaned into her face like that. She hated it.

\"Well I\'d have to wonder, wouldn\'t I? Every time I go out of the house there\'s a bloody eight-eyed dog following me around.\"

\"Walter orders me to do that.\"

\"And I could hardly do anything inside the house. I\'m not about to take up with the troops and that leaves me with an aging butler and you!\"

Now that was a real mistake.

\"Well Walter does seem to be ruled out. And I\'m completely out of the question, aren\'t I?\" He started toying with the bow around her neck.

Oh no, he was starting that teasing crap again. He was doing it all the time lately. \"Don\'t go there, Alucard, you know I don\'t think it\'s funny.\"

\"Oh, it\'s hilarious, Sir Integra.\" Then he kissed her on the lips, pressing his mouth down hard.

He had never pushed his limits that far before, and she stood up abruptly.

\"Angry?\" he smirked.

\"Oh, not at all, every girl wants her first kiss from a walking corpse. Now leave.\"

\"First kiss, at your age?\"

\"I just told you I never...\"

\"And it wasn\'t even a good kiss.\" Alucard leaned over again.

Integra attempted to push past him. \"It was sufficient, I assure you.\"

Alucard had her by the chin at that point. He put his mouth down over hers again, and when she attempted to move he put his pushed her lips open with his tongue.

Integra just sat there for a moment considering the situation. On the one hand she had a vampire\'s tongue in her mouth and that had to be wrong. On the other hand, it didn\'t feel so bad.

In moments Alucard had rolled her chair into the corner. He was still probing her mouth and she was opening it wider to let him. He had undone the bow completely and was going for the buttons. The words to stop him weren\'t forming. She was starting to wish she wore lots of silver jewelry. Or that blowing his stupid head off would actually stop him for more than a few minutes.

Alucard\'s hand was inside her blouse now and he was attempting to pinch her nipple through her bra. His gloves were still on, so it didn\'t really work, but it still caused a certain bizarre excitement. Integra pulled away and said the nastiest word she could think of, but the word wasn\'t \"stop\" so Alucard didn\'t.

He was squeezing her breasts now while trying to push up her bra. \"Where did you get this ridiculous undergarment?\" he asked. \"It\'s like a medieval torture device.\"

\"You would know, wouldn\'t you?\" she said.

\"I\'m not THAT old, smart aleck\" he retorted.

\"Shut up. You\'ve seen my bra before, when that bitch with the eye went after me.\"

He finally reached back and pulled on it so hard it unfastened.

\"Oh yes, I remember now. And don\'t tell me to shut up.\"

\"I\'ll tell you whatever I...\" But his tongue hit her nipple then and she just swallowed hard.

\"Damn,\" she was thinking to herself, \"he started in on me fifteen minutes ago and now he\'s going end up just shagging me in this chair and that will be that.\"

The answer to that should have been internal panic, but her real reaction was more like \"What the hell, go for it.\" She understood her body being ridiculous, but surely her brain should have a clue by now?

His hand was starting up her thigh. \"You move fast,\" she muttered.

\"I have to with you.\"

He began to rub her lower lips through the cloth of her pants now and she parted her legs in response. He pressed harder and she pressed back against him. He was still teasing her nipples with his tongue. The combination continued to keep her from thinking straight and she didn\'t object as he started to undo her pants.

This, however presented a challenge even to Alucard as there was no way to lower them without shoving them all the way down to her ankles. He shrugged and did so, taking the panties along with them.

He kissed her deeply then and began gently teasing her clitoris with one finger. She pulled back and said \"Gloves.\"

\"What?\"

\"Gloves. Off. Now.\"

\"Come on, Integra, these gloves just scream sex.\"

He sighed, and threw the gloves on the desk. Then his bare hands were gently pushing her thighs apart. He stroked her and she threw her head into his shoulder and moaned.

\"I\'m not even pretending not to be into this anymore,\" she thought to herself desperately. She could feel herself getting wet and had a momentary insane thought that she would make a stain on the chair. This was totally forgotten as Alucard slid one finger inside her. \"Hot\" he murmured into her mouth.

He began pumping gently with the finger, manipulating her clit with his other hand. He added a second finger, then a third. He was stretching her, and it hurt just enough to add to the pleasure. Then suddenly a thought hit her.

\"The door isn\'t locked.\"

Alucard didn\'t move, just grinned. \"You don\'t want old Walter to see you in the throes of passion, Integra?\"

\"Don\'t be disgusting.\"

\"And don\'t you think that would an interesting lesson for little Seras?\" He was pumping hard with the fingers now, her wetness dripping off them.

\"Yes, there\'s nothing like the vision of an ancient undead creature with his fingers crammed deep inside his master.\" As he said the word master, he gave a final hard shove and Integra came.

She took a moment to recover but she wasn\'t about to show even more weakness in front of Alucard.

\"That was adequate,\" she muttered.

\"I\'ll show you adequate,\" he said, and got up to lock the door.

Integra was thinking wildly about what might happen next. It suddenly occurred to her that she had never seen Alucard naked, or even sort of naked. Did he even have a normal anatomy? Did any vampire?

She had a sudden flashback to Incognito and his revolting lack of equipment. Well, actually that bizarre vamipire\'s seeming eunuch status had been something of a relief at the time, but what if Alucard were like that?

Thinking of Incognito\'s pasty white body killed any lust she was feeling instantly. Finding out what was in Alucard\'s suave pants was just going to have to wait for another day.

\"I think you\'d better leave.\"

He stared at her in surprise. \"Inadequate after all?\"

\"Just go.\"

He looked at her as if he were about to ask if it were an order, then shrugged and opened the door.

\"You\'re going to start to want me again you know... and I\'ll be there just in time, or perhaps just a little late.\"

He left, and she sighed, realizing that she was exposing her privates to the empty office and her desk was still filled with paperwork.