Realities of Life

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine and I make no money from using the characters.

NC 17


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Realities of Life


Chapter 10

In Between Days

Yesterday I got so old
I felt like I could die
Yesterday I got so old
It made me want to cry
Go on, go on
Just walk away
Go on, go on
Your choice is made
Go on, go on
And disappear
Go on, go on
Away from here

Yesterday I got so scared
I shivered like a child
Yesterday away from you
It froze me deep inside
Come back, come back
Don’t walk away
Come back, come back
Come back today
Come back, come back
Why can’t you see
Come back, come back
Come back to me



I slammed the phone down, grabbed my jacket, and raced across the hall. I was hoping that I would be able to catch Shuichi and explain that Suzuki woman's presence in my home before the situation escalated out of my control. As I knocked on his door, I searched my jacket pockets for my keys.

They weren't there.

I reached for the doorknob and twisted. It was unlocked. I guess it was lucky, for me at least, that he was still an idiot in some ways.

The cat looked up from his spot on the couch and greeted me with a yawn. After a few still moments, I realized, with certainty, that he was the only occupant currently at home in the apartment. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a set of keys on the kitchen counter and made my way toward them.

They were not my keys. I glimpsed the Mitsubishi logo and then the hastily scrawled note with Inoue's name on it. I'm not sure why, but I scooped up and took the keys with me. I left the note.

Taking the stairs to the parking lot, I headed for my car. I feared and suspected that Shuichi might have taken it out of anger and spite.

When I saw it, I almost wished Shuichi had taken the car instead of… I stood in stunned disbelief as I tried to process the fact that this ruin of twisted metal and broken glass had once been my beautiful car.

I paused to take inventory of the past twenty-four hours. So far my day had included: being propositioned by Inoue, attempting to run Shuichi over with my car, letting that crazy Suzuki woman stir up a huge misunderstanding and, topping off my day, my sleek, beautiful Mercedes was now a pile of junk.

When had my life become a situational comedy?

I looked at the words “Man-Whore” scrawled into the paint job and no longer wondered how Shuichi would take everything that had happened. He had let me know—loud and clear—what he thought of me.

Maybe I had it coming. I had tried to run him down with this car, after all. My stomach churned with that memory.

I found my keys in the backseat, along with a baseball bat, a destroyed cell phone, and a mountain of safety glass. He really knew how to vent his anger; I’d give him that.

Deciding that my first priority was to get to NG Studios, I called a cab. Cell phone to my ear, I turned back towards the apartment. That’s when I spied the Mitsubishi.

I was sure Inoue wouldn’t like this, but that was just too fucking bad. He was just as much to blame for this day as I was.

The car was a powerful monster and was responsive in ways I never would have thought possible. I hated to admit it, but it was a fine automobile. Of course, I’d never let Inoue know that.

My visit to the studio was more eventful yet. There I learned that Shuichi’s attack on my Mercedes was only part of his revenge. He had reacted in a much more hurtful fashion. It seemed that he had done more with Inoue than simply borrow his car. Needless to say, I had not taken the news well.

Shuichi seemed to have really done a number on both Inoue and myself. Who knew he had become so vicious and spiteful? My only comfort was that at least Shuichi had punched Inoue. That knowledge had made me feel somewhat better.

In the end, we found out that Shuichi had somehow become unapproachable for the time being, even from the long arm of Seguchi Tohma. I had a growing respect for the enormous scope of Shuichi’s bitterness. After all, I had been the one to plant the seed. It somehow seemed fitting that I would be the one to reap the harvest.

When Tohma came to see me the next day, I was still lost and confused by everything that had happened. How could I have tried to hurt him? How could he have done what he did with Inoue? How could he think I was being unfaithful to him? What was wrong with the two of us?

As usual, Tohma hovered around me in his mother-mode; trying to cheer me up and watching for signs of a possible breakdown.

We had a few discussions about Shuichi, although I was rather guarded with what I said and what I wanted to know. I did remember Tohma mentioning something about it being important in relationship that you try not to kill your lover.

That Tohma can be a righteous bastard, sometimes.

I was angry with him. I was also angry with Inoue. I didn’t even want to solidify my thoughts on Shuichi.

Even so, I realized that the person I was most disappointed with was myself. Besides anger, I was still sorting out what I was feeling. I couldn’t seem to get past that one, all encompassing emotion. I knew that there was something beneath that. If I were merely angry, there wouldn’t be so much pain.

A few days later, Shuichi came home. He had chopped off and bleached his hair. He also looked like he hadn't slept in a week. The first words out of his mouth were to tell me that he was going away. Going to away to London and, to make matters worse, Inoue would be there as well.

How did he think that bit of information would make me feel? Was he intentionally trying to hurt me?

I’m not exactly sure what happened next, but it seemed that I had snapped and lost my sanity completely. All the anger, all the hurt somehow twisted my desperate need to possess him into violence.

I didn’t want him to go away. I didn’t want to know that he had slept with Inoue. I just wanted to erase all that. I wanted him to be all mine again. Only mine.

Somewhere in the primordial part of my brain, I made a connection between dominance and him staying. If I cleansed him of Inoue, everything would be okay again.

So I tried to… I held him down and I tried to…

It was horrible. When he finally screamed, I realized that I had actually become my own nightmare. The thing that I had always feared the most about myself had come to pass. I had turned into Kitazawa Yuki completely.

I watched, horrified and helpless, as Shuichi curled into himself, eyes far away and full of terror, the tattered remains of his clothes clinging to him as he whimpered and sobbed. I tried to soothe him and he flinched away from my hand. He had never done that before—not ever. Even when I was at my most frightening and had threatened him, he would still welcome my touch.

The tears were in my eyes before I even registered them. I had destroyed a trust with him, maybe the last remaining bit of trust we’d had.

I located a blanket and covered his shivering, shaking body, nauseated by his misery and the knowledge that, once again, I had caused it.

“Go to London, Shuichi,” I whispered to him. “Be happy again.”

When I closed his door behind me, I was very sure that I would never see him again.

I was told later that Tohma found me the next afternoon on the floor of my bathroom, passed out from too much alcohol and a night of throwing up blood. I awoke in the hospital, IV in place and Tohma watching me intently from a nearby chair.

When I asked, he told me softly that Shuichi had left, as planned, that morning on the NG company jet and was probably nearing London as we spoke.

There was a certain poetic justice in the knowledge that now I had a taste, very acutely and first hand how Shuichi must have felt two years earlier when he had awoken in a hospital bed only to find that I had left him. It was a very grim, sad feeling and I found that I was devastated to learn that he had actually left me. I had told him to go, I had done horrible things to him and yet, for some reason, I didn’t believe he would really leave me.

I always thought that we would somehow work it out.

My stay in the hospital was relatively short but painfully lonely. To make it even worse, Shuichi’s departure was all over the entertainment news. There was wide speculation of a lover’s quarrel between the two of us. So far, Tohma had managed to keep Inoue out of the picture, but I didn’t think that would be long in coming. Wouldn’t the paparazzi eat that up? After all, nothing sells better than the proverbial love triangle. I should know.

It was time to consider my confusion about what I was feeling for Shuichi. Exactly how did I feel about our relationship, now?

I had tried to run him down with my car and I had tried hurting him, for the simple reason that I was angry with him. He had slept with Inoue and wrecked my car because he was angry with me. When I looked at the cold, hard vileness that we brought out in each other, I had to concede that maybe the brat was right. Maybe our relationship was truly fucked up, more so than it should be.

How did I feel about Shuichi?

I missed him. Just as I had when I was in New York, only now it was fresh and this time, it hadn’t been my choice. Intellectually, I could look at the mess our relationship was for all eternity and it wouldn’t make any difference. We hurt each other over and over and being together didn’t make bit of sense.

But then again, making sense is not usually what love is about.

When Tohma showed up to take me home from the hospital the next day he had a smug little smile, “Well, Eiri-san, you look as though you have come to a decision on something. Might it have something to do with London?”

I glared at him.

He laughed, “Well, I see you are feeling better at any rate. Come on, I’ll take you home.”

“You’re not planning on staying with me, are you?” I growled as I got into his car.

He grinned at me, “Of course. You know Mika-san will insist as well.”

That was true. If I didn’t agree to Tohma staying with me, then Mika would show up and I would have both Mika and Tohma underfoot. I decided I would opt for the lesser of two evils and kept my mouth shut.

He lurked around my home for an entire day before I'd had enough and sent him home. After that I had to put up with him coming over everyday to feed me and check on me.



"Hello, Eiri-san," Tohma greeted me with a smile the day after I had banished him from my house. He was carrying take out food and held up the bag, "Are you hungry? I know I am."

I left the door open and moved to the couch.

"I have gyoza, Eiri-san. Your favorite," he said as he stood in front of me with his disarming, knowing smile.

He laughed as he heard the growl from my traitorous stomach. He moved to the kitchen and helped himself to setting out various plates and chopsticks on the kitchen bar.

I glared at him.

"Oh, come on, Eiri-san," he chided gently. "You wouldn't want Shuichi-san to worry about you while he's in London, would you?"

I met his more-than-innocent stare and snapped, "Did you make him go to London?"

Shaking his head, he sat down at one of the kitchen barstools, "Make him? No, of course not. As you know, it's difficult to make Shuichi-san do anything."

"But you did make the suggestion," I challenged.

Placing his chin in his hand, he met my glare, "Yes, Eiri-san. I did make the suggestion."

"Why?" My head was beginning to ache and my throat hurt, "Why would you do that?"

"And what is it exactly that I have done?" he smiled at me softly.

I rubbed my hand through my hair and sighed, "I guess it doesn't really matter anymore."

"Eiri-san," he said quietly after several moments of silence, "after all this time, you really should have learned to trust me. Everything will turn out fine."

Meddling. That was what he was doing; he was meddling in our affairs. But for whom? For me or for Inoue? Or against Shuichi?

Nothing was ever simple with Seguchi Tohma.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud disturbance in the hallway.

Tohma tipped his head at me, “Were you expecting company, Eiri-san?”

Shaking my head, I hurried to the door and opened it. Shuichi’s sister Maiko stood in the hallway, her back against the door to Shuichi’s apartment. She was breathing heavily and her face and arms bore deep, bloody cat scratches.

Her eyes, so painfully similar to her brothers, looked at me with a mixture of fear and anger. “That – creature – is a demon!” She all but shouted.

Tohma stepped up behind me and said quietly, “Yes, I agree, Shindou-san. That cat is a nasty creature.”

“Ah! I promised Shuichi that I would take care of him, but I don’t think either of us will survive,” she said in frustration.

“Shindou-san, Where does the cat usually stay when Shuichi-san is out of town?” Tohma asked.

She sighed, “I usually get stuck with the beast, but after the last time I told Shu that I wouldn’t watch him anymore. I can’t believe I gave in and agreed to watch that mean thing again. I’m so stupid! That demon terrorizes my boyfriend. When that cat’s around, Daisuke won’t even come into my apartment!”

“Maybe you could have the animal boarded, Shindou-san,” Tohma offered politely. “If you would like, I could have my secretary locate a suitable boarding establishment.”

She looked hopeful, “You think so? Oh, Tohma-sama, that’d be wonderful of you!” She thought it over for a second, “It’d have to be a very nice place, though. Shuichi’s very fond of that horrible beast.”

“Of course, Shindou-san,” Tohma nodded his head. “Nothing but the finest.”

“No you don’t,” I snarled at them. I’d had enough of their conversation, “The cat can stay with me. I’ll take him.”

Maiko looked at me with those bright eyes, “Yuki-san, I don’t think you understand. That cat is evil. It hates everyone except Shuichi.” She held out her scratched-up arms, “Look. This was from just picking him up.”

“He likes me,” I glared at both of them. “I said I’d take him. You’re not boarding him, that’s final.”

“I hope you know what you’re in for, Yuki-san,” Maiko said as she shook her head in disbelief.

Tohma was trying to fight a wide smile, “Shindou-san, would you like to have dinner with us? I’m sure that I picked up enough for three.”

Now, why did I get the feeling that I had just been set up?


Before I knew it, three weeks had gone by and I had managed to knock out half of a book about a tragic love triangle that goes bad. Why not? Sometimes life experiences can be golden to an author.

While attempting to flesh out several ideas for possible endings, I realized that I was… stuck. I had some choices to make. The ending I desired just didn’t seem possible. It would also take a lot of work to make that particular storyline perceivably believable. The more probable ending would be easier to write, but it just didn’t sit well with me, for obvious reasons.

Just before I dragged the outline’s document file into the trash bin, there was a knock at the door. Tohma greeted me with Chinese food. I was hardly surprised.

"Can you give me one night off?" I snarled at him.

He smiled as he dished up food and poured a beer for both of us. "Now Eiri-san, you know Mika-san would have a fit if I didn't check on you every night."

"It's been three weeks," I fired back. "I'm okay now."

Sliding onto one of the kitchen barstools, he raised an eyebrow at me, "Really? Okay are you?"

"Yes," I hissed as I lit a cigarette and glared at him.

"Tell me, Eiri-san," he leaned his elbow on the counter and rested his head on his hand. "Have you heard from Shuichi-san yet?"

"Not a word," I sniped back, angry that he felt it necessary to bring that up every night.

“Well, have you contacted him?” He blinked his eyes innocently at me.

“No,” I barked at him and gave him a glare. “In the first place, why would I?”

Several minutes passed as he smiled at me and I smoked a cigarette. Finally he sat up and said, “And in the second place?”

“What?” I snapped in surprise.

“You said that in the first place, why would you contact Shuichi-san,” he tipped his head. “Leading me to the conclusion that there was a second place, possibly more.”

I stared at him blankly.

His smile widened, “And… the second place…?”

“I don’t know how to contact him!” I finally barked back, my annoyance apparent.

“Tch, Eiri-san,” he chided me. “You should know better than that. All you ever had to do was ask. Shuichi-san and Nakano-san were both given laptops before they left Tokyo, with instructions to check email every few days.” He shrugged and smiled again, “You know, just in case there was an emergency.”

“Are you telling me that you have an email address for him?”

Leaning his chin on his hand again he looked at me, “I’m not sure I understand, Eiri-san. Are you telling me that you don’t have Shuichi-san’s email address? How is that possible?”

“I…” swallowing hard I said, “I’ve never needed it before.”

“Maybe you should write him to tell him you have his cat,” Tohma smiled at me.

Hmm, now that was a promising idea.

Still smiling he said, “Maybe you should send him some pictures of the beast. Shuichi-san might be getting homesick for him.”

That was an even better idea. Of course, I’d never let him know I thought that.

The next day, when Tohma showed, he brought me a digital camera.

“What’s this for?” I grumbled at him.

He smiled patiently and shrugged, “Nothing in particular.”

Sometimes I can’t help but feel as if I am but an insect caught in Tohma’s spider web.


I took pictures of the cat the next day. He was particularly adorable, as if he knew he was posing for his roommate.

I had come to the realization, early in my relationship with the cat, that no one owned him and no one was his master. Roommate was the best description you could give him. That was a point of view I could respect.

The next day, I sat in front of my computer for probably two hours trying to compose something that wasn’t inane and needy. My heart was pounding like mad and I had to actually close my eyes when I finally pushed the “send” button.

That night, I did manage to sleep, but only a little.

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting from him. Maybe that he would blow me off completely. Maybe he would send me an email telling me go fuck myself and that he never wanted to hear from me again.

But what I got was so much better.

The next day, my fingers were shaking as I opened his reply.

Eiri,

I have to admit, I was a little surprised that you would write to me. I didn’t think I would ever hear from you again.

Anyway, thanks for your email and the pictures. I’m happy that neko-Yuki is with you. He really likes you and that is unusual for him. I feel better that he’s with someone he likes. He looks very happy and content in the pictures you sent.

Things are rather strange here, but in a good way. The food is very interesting.

Hiro, Kyo, some friends of Kyo’s, and myself have formed an acoustic band. We play the local clubs at night, just jamming and singing. It’s been really good for me. I feel as if I have regained part of my soul.

I hope that you are well and that you are taking care of yourself. Of course, I’m sure Tohma-san is seeing to that.

I hope you will write to me again, at least about neko-Yuki, okay?

I know I’ll probably regret telling you this, and you won’t want to hear it, but I miss you.

Shu


He missed me. His email was rather vague and he was still hanging out with Inoue but…

He missed me.

It was all I could do not to respond to his email at once, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. And I wanted to stay somewhat cool. After all, I did have a reputation to maintain.

But he missed me.

We began emailing each other often, and as the days passed, the frequency became daily, sometimes every few hours. We started out tentatively; speaking of the weather, the cat, and sights he’d seen in London. But, as the days went by, our discussion became more personal, circling into a tighter and tighter spiral, closing in on our actual feelings.

We gently and softly danced around how he sad and lonely he had been when I left him and went to New York. I told him, after a fashion, how lonely I had been there. I attempted to explain why I had felt it necessary to go to New York, that I thought by leaving him, I was protecting him. Who knows if he believed me.

After a week or so, he told me he was sorry about my car, but that he was still very angry with me. He also said he was pretty sure I was still angry with him, but he avoided speaking directly about what he had done with Inoue.

Likewise, I did not mention the incident with that stupid Suzuki woman. To me, that event didn’t even seem to be worth mentioning, but eventually, I knew I would have to defend myself. It made me tired to even think about explaining it.

Instead, I settled for telling him that I was angry with him.

It was a brilliant way to get through to each other. Why hadn’t we done this before? Verbal communication has never been my strong suit and email gave us time to really think about what we were saying to one another before we actually said the words.

One night, the email that I regarded as inevitable arrived. It was the heart of his anger with me, the item that he had been dodging and had resisted discussing up until this moment. It was everything, this invisible lynchpin that had pulled us apart. It was one sentence:

Why did you cheat on me in Yokohama?

As I sat and stared at the question in total confusion, Tohma knocked at the door.

I opened the door I snarled at him, “What?”

He greeted me without a smile this day, “Hello, Eiri-san.”

He did smile softly when he spied my open laptop, “Email again, Eiri-san?”

“Huh,” I mumbled as I reached for my cigarettes.

Tohma retrieved a beer for both of us and sat down on the couch. “So, Eiri-san, have you seen the entertainment news, yet?”

Suddenly, I had a very bad feeling, “No.”

He nodded and looking rather grave said, “I suppose you need to see this, but I wish to remind you that this is entertainment news. The story is probably taken completely out of context.”

I inhaled deeply on my smoke and said, “Paparazzi got a hold of the news on Inoue, didn’t they?”

Clearing his throat he said, “Well, you might say that, Eiri-san.”

Looking closely at my brother-in-law I said, “I believe you are pissed off about this, Tohma.”

His eyes met mine and I watched as his lips smiled, but there was no humor there, “Maybe. A bit.”

Hmm, someone would pay for this infraction against the mighty Seguchi Tohma. No chance for anything exclusive in the future for this reporter, maybe even the whole magazine.

“Well,” I said taking a deep drag, trying to appear calm, “let’s see it.”

He unrolled the magazine he was clutching. It was one of the supermarket entertainment rags. Not the “Aliens Abducted My Baby” trash, but the “Who Slept With Who” trash.

Shuichi’s picture was on the cover of the magazine. His back was against a wall, his face towards the camera, eyes wide with surprise. Inoue leaned against him one hand on the wall and the other hand, on Shuichi’s hip. Inoue also faced the camera. One of Shuichi’s hands clutched Inoue’s elbow, the other hand was tangled in my rival’s long hair. They looked as though they had just been interrupted in the middle of a kiss. Above the picture, the headline said, “Life After Yuki Eiri.”

“Eiri-san?” Tohma said softly after several minutes of silence.

I stared at the picture and thought about my recent conversations via email with Shuichi. I was totally confused. Was the picture a reality of what was happening with Shuichi or was it an illusion brought on by a lucky camera shot and a compromising situation? Maybe this picture of Inoue and Shuichi was neither reality or illusion, but something in-between.

“Tohma,” I answered, “I think I’ll need your help.”

“Do you wish to go to London, Eiri-san?” He asked gravely.

I shook my head, “Not right away. First, I need to find out what I did in Yokohama two years ago.”

He raised an eyebrow at me, “You don’t know?”

“I know my version,” I answered quietly. “Now I need to find out Shuichi’s version.”

Tohma was watching me closely.

“Yes, Tohma, and then to London.” I picked up the offending magazine and hurled it toward the recycling bin. “It’s time to clear the air.”


Fin


Lyrics by The Cure


Note: Yes, this is the end of Realities. Look for the next and final installment, Something In-Between coming soon!