Come What May

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters. I am a part owner of Kyosuke, though.

NC-17

If you have time, please review. Thank you!!

Note: I suck lots of time away from Ashcat (who could be working on her own projects instead of dealing with my neverending ‘positioning’ issues) and Kri (who, in spite of her brutal school schedule, continues to allow me to take advantage of her awesome proofreading skills.)

I don’t know how to thank you two for everything you do. I am so lucky.

Also, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the reviewers here at AFF. You help keep me going!

Come What May


Chapter 10
Vegetable


I never wanted anything like this
I worked hard, tried hard
I ran around in domestic bliss
I fought hard, died hard

Every time you’re running out of here
Every time you’re running I get the fear

I never wanted any broken bones
Scarred face, no home
Your words surround me and asphyxiate
And I burn all hate

Every time you’re running out on me
Every time you’re running I can see

I’m not a vegetable
I will not control myself
I spit on the hand that feeds me
I will not control myself

****************************


Doctor Umeoka stood by the door as the two men filed in. Uesugi-san wore a bored expression on his face, whereas Shindou-san seemed troubled.

They sat down. Not at either side of the couch today, but not overly close either.

“So,” the Doctor began. “How are you both?”

Uesugi-san shrugged as he always did and crossed his arms. Shindou-san crossed his ankle over a knee and played with the laces on his shoe. The Doctor suppressed a sigh. Getting the two started was always a trial.

“Is there anything you would care to discuss? We have many subjects we need to cover. As you recall, our last session was cut short but we touched on Shindou-san’s fear of abandonment. Would you like to continue that discussion?”

“No!” Shuichi snapped. “I would not like to continue that discussion.”

“Okay,” the Doctor agreed. “Perhaps something else, then?”

“I have something I would like to discuss,” Eiri volunteered.

Shuichi froze and looked at his partner in amazement and suspicion, “What?”

“I think we should talk about what you did while I was in New York,” the novelist answered. “It seems to bother you, so let’s hear it.”

Shaking his head, Shuichi answered, “No.”

“Why?” Eiri persisted.

“Because you’ll… you won’t understand!” the vocalist snarled. “How could you possibly understand what I went through?”

“You might be surprised by what I understand,” was the quiet answer.

“No,” Shuichi shook his head again. “You’ll use it to hurt me.”

“Shindou-san,” the Doctor said quietly. “Remember, this is a safe place to discuss painful subjects. Uesugi-san, did you wait to bring up this subject until you were here and in this room?”

“Yes,” Eiri answered. “It’s easy to see he’s been bothered by it. He’s brought it up numerous times, as if he wants to tell me.”

“Is that a correct observation, Shindou-san?” The therapist prodded gently. “I remember you mentioning your fear of Uesugi-san’s finding out things. Would you like to discuss it now?”

“No, I wouldn’t like to discuss it now,” Shuichi mimicked back with hostility.

“Then when?” Eiri persisted. “After you’ve gone on tour? Next week? Never? When?”

Exhaling, the smaller man said, “I don’t know.”

“Would you be more comfortable speaking one-on-one with a therapist?” the Doctor asked.

“I don’t know,” he answered, the agitation in his voice evident.

There was a long pause in the room.

“If you’re wondering, I already know about the fanboys,” Eiri confessed.

Shuichi turned his head to look at his lover, “You what?”

“I said: I know about the fanboys. It’s not that difficult of a sentence to understand,” was the sarcastic answer.

“How did you know?” the younger man asked, his eyes wide.

“It’s not as if it’s a secret. You were all over the tabloids,” Eiri’s voice was an even monotone.

“But you don’t read the tabloids. And you were in New York.”

Eiri shrugged, “Your crazy manager showed me pictures when he was trying to get me to come back to Japan. And you told me yourself on the phone when you were sick in London.”

“I did?” Shuichi blinked.

“Yes. Besides, I was at your house when you brought one of your fanboys home, if you remember correctly.”

Shuichi grimaced, “I did? I really don’t remember that.”

“You did. You were drunk,” the blond explained.

“Oh.” He fidgeted before he added, “Was that after I gave you that black eye?”

“Yes.”

“I remember waking up and you were in my house practicing Tai Chi,” Shuichi said softly with a small smile.

Eiri nodded.

Doctor Umeoka considered asking about the black eye, but the two were actually communicating so he held his question, making a mental note to explore the violence of that particular encounter. For some reason, the situation seemed to hold special meaning for both men.

Shuichi sighed before he said, “I didn’t know how much you knew.”

“Actually, I know quite a bit about your… exploits.”

“Exploits?” Shuichi laughed bitterly as he crossed his arms and challenged, “So, you know all about my exploits, do you? Well, then, let’s hear it.”

The tone in the room shifted abruptly with the vocalist’s confrontational words. The therapist quickly interjected, “Gentlemen, please try and remember the rules.”

“Maybe now is not the best time for this conversation,” Eiri reasoned, ignoring the Doctor.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Shuichi continued sharply, his voice full of biting sarcasm. “You started this; you can’t weasel out of it now.”

The novelist glared at his lover. “I said forget it. Just drop it.”

“The days when that glare scared me are long gone, Yuki. Now enlighten me on what the almighty Yuki Eiri has to say about lowly Shindou Shuichi’s exploits,” Shuichi all but spat at his partner.

Eiri sighed heavily but nonetheless picked up the gauntlet. “Nakano. I know about you and Nakano.”

Shuichi burst into laughter and his demeanor shifted completely into brash defiance. “Oh, Eiri, what you don’t know about Hiro and me could fill a book. You haven’t got a clue. No one does except for Hiro and me.”

“Gentlemen…” the doctor attempted to insert himself in the conversation, to regain control and to stem the tide of anger, to no avail, of course.

“I’ve been told some of it,” the author defended.

“Oh, really? Well, then you must know that I raped him.”

Eiri blinked at his lover.

Shuichi swallowed back the bile that rose and looked away, his arrogance crumbled away with the shocking words. “Yeah, that’s what I did, all right. I’ll bet you weren’t prepared to hear that, were you?”

“Don’t speak nonsense,” Eiri replied dismissively.

Doctor Umeoka frantically considered ways to stop the two. He looked over at the small, empty table, mentally cursing himself for forgetting the ice water.

“It’s not nonsense. It’s true,” Shuichi said hollowly.

“It’s fucking nonsense and you know it,” Eiri answered coolly. “Stop playing the role of poor, abused martyr.”

“Fuck you, Yuki,” Shuichi snarled in response.

After a moment of silence, the novelist began with a remote, apathetic tone, “I know about Sakuma…”

Cutting him off, Shuichi all but shouted in order to drown out his boyfriend’s voice. “You know about Ryuichi? If you remember correctly, I told you about Ryuichi, you miserable bastard!”

Eiri continued, his voice had dropped to a complete monotone, “And I know about Inoue.”

The smaller man jumped to his feet. “Of course you know about Kyo – you drove me into his arms! And I mean that literally! Kyo is the only reason I’m still alive at the moment, don’t you think he deserved a free fuck for that?”

The therapist tried once again. “Shindou-san, please try and cease the inflammatory words. And Uesugi-san, please stop baiting your partner.”

Eiri ignored the doctor; his anger was blazing, molten, nearly matching Shuichi’s obvious fury. However, he folded his anger inside and kept his features neutral, he almost looked indifferent. They were both on dangerous ground, but Shuichi had just drawn first blood with his words, and Eiri could not seem to stop his razor sharp tongue from seeking retaliation. He reached for what he had pretended not to see before this moment, the thing he instinctively knew was scaring his boyfriend, and threw it at Shuichi like a poison arrow. “Why don’t you tell me about Tohma? He seems to be the only person in all of Tokyo you didn’t fuck. Or am I wrong about that?”

“Fuck!” Shuichi shouted, shaking with his anger. He turned and kicked the small table located by the doctor and sent it flying; it crashed into the wall and fell to the floor in a broken heap. So, this is what Eiri really thought of him. The thing he feared the most was true.

Eiri thought of him as a whore.

“Shindou-san, please!” the Doctor reasoned.

“Takes one to know one,” Shuichi snarled at Eiri and then he exhaled, seeming to collapse in on himself, as if he was trying to protect himself from further harsh words.

“What are you talking about?” the author hissed.

“You and all those women… ”

“How many times are we going to play this same song?” Eiri’s voice remained toneless as he chastised and belittled his lover, “It’s pointless for us to keep going over the same old arguments. For fuck’s sake, get over it already.”

“Get over it? Get over it?!” Shuichi snapped as he fought to keep himself from leaping at his lover and beating him senseless. “Fine, Eiri, you got it! Here’s me getting over it.”

Stomping over to the door, Shuichi paused a moment before he lifted his foot and kicked the door. The wood groaned under the assault but did not break. Before the doctor could recover from his shock and say anything, Shuichi stepped back and leapt at the door.

The kick caused the door to break loose from the woodwork and crash to the floor in the hallway.

He turned and glared at his lover before he said, “It takes a whore to know a whore, Yuki. I know what you think of me now. And now you know what I think of you. Have a nice life, Eiri because I’m done with this and I’m done with you!”

He didn’t wait for a response as he turned and stepped out of the room through the broken doorway. And away from Eiri.


*************************


I stormed out of the Doctor's office and started running. It was reminiscent of old times, only now I had no Hiro to run to for a sympathetic ear. I didn't have someone who would love me no matter what I did. No matter how much of a sleaze ball I was.

How did Tohma live like this?

After several minutes, maybe a half an hour of running and walking, the skies opened up and it began to rain. How typical. All I needed was to start screaming "Yuki" and magically, it would be five years earlier.

Gods, I was sick of this merry-go-round. Sick of being afraid, sick of worrying I would be left or do something wrong. Were we together or not? I was sick of being in a constant state of limbo.

I was sick of being sick about it.

There was a park close by and I changed my direction. Maybe if I sat in the rain for a while, my head would clear.

I found a swing and made myself comfortable. I was glad the rain wasn’t too cold. I needed to decide what to do.

Several young teenagers were practicing on their skateboards and I watched them with a sudden longing for their carefree attitudes. I had to wonder when I had become such a stick in the mud. It seemed as if I did nothing but brood and be angry anymore.

Fucking Eiri.

I sighed. This wasn’t really about Eiri anymore. I had changed. And I had let myself change. I couldn’t blame him for his disgust over my actions.

But that didn’t mean I wasn’t angry with him.

After all, it wasn’t as if he had been there for me. At the time, as far as I knew, Eiri was gone from my life for good. What did he expect me to do, sit around and wait for him even though he told me to go fuck myself? Even though he told me I was worthless and irritating and he never wanted to see me again?

That he hated me?

Why had he bothered to come back?

Fucking Eiri. Always messing with my head. Just being in the same room with him could unhinge me. Why hadn’t he stayed away? Why had he come back and started us up again, feeding me lines about loving me and wanting to make it work.

Okay, maybe they weren’t all lines. He had seemed sincere at the time he told me all those things. And really, the stuff I had done, the fanboys and Hiro and everything, was all a lot to absorb. Especially when I considered what a good, loyal little boy I had been before.

I had never wanted anyone other than Eiri. After everything we’d been through, it hurt me to my core, to my soul that he did not know that.

Hiro had been the second person I willingly slept with – and that had been a disaster. It was so wrong on so many levels it really threw me down a dark path. And it left me… hollow.

When I took the next step and I started sleeping around in earnest, it was more out of self-loathing and desperation then out of being horny. Although, if I must be completely honest, horny was part of the equation. I found that sleeping with the fanboys did two things for me. It somewhat satisfied that dark, primal urge in me. More importantly, it kept the people I loved safe from me.

But nothing seemed to satisfy my need to replace the tingling butterflies and the burning desire I had with Eiri. I missed the warmth and comfort I shared with him. I missed the love. And for some reason, I was convinced I would be able to find that feeling of completion again. So I searched for it. And I searched. I tried to find it in one-night stands and frantic, back-stage quickies. Picking pretty boys out of the crowd at shows, to bring back to my hotel room or apartment and fuck. And why not? I was famous; it was simple to choose, simple to get a fast lay.

I dealt with some very strange feelings during that time of darkness. It seemed I was a walking contradiction. I wanted companionship, but I didn't want anyone to get too close. I wanted crazy, wild sex, but when I got it, it was drab and meaningless.

That had been a surprise. Sex with the fanboys was a completely different experience from sex with Eiri. It was empty and hollow – it made me despise my partners and myself even more so. I wanted the sex with a crazed desperation yet when I got it, it felt wrong. It didn’t feel quite as wrong as had with Hiro, but it still felt wrong. Afterwards, I would send my disposable conquest away for the night and I would take a shower.

The showers were almost as disturbing. They were long, hot, skin-scorching showers. I had a scrub brush and I would try to be clean again, nearly scrubbing my skin off. K had an absolute fit when he caught a glimpse of me one night before a show, bruised, raw and covered with scabs. He made my life difficult for a while after that, checking up on me at weird hours. He would burst into my room unannounced to make sure I wasn't trying to scrub my skin off.

In the process of saving me from myself, I'm certain K saw a few things he wished he hadn't.

Finally and thankfully, I found refuge at Kai's place. No one could find me or get to me there. And for some odd reason, when I was in that establishment, a place full of dark secrets, I found a strange sort of peace. No explanations and no excuses were required, as long as we had cash, monsters were accepted clientele. I could have peeled my skin off and no one would have batted an eyelash. And because no one worried about what freaky things I might be doing, I didn’t experience the overwhelming self-loathing while I was there. Kai's was a guilt-free zone for me.

Then, out of the blue, just as I thought I was over him, Eiri came back into my life. I was confused, angry and hurt at his return and when he asked me out on an honest-to-goodness date, I wanted to laugh at him. I wanted to spit in his face and to tell him to go fuck himself. But I didn't. Instead, I found myself agreeing to the date.

The moment we came face to face, his body sang to mine, not in music or words, but with something else, something intangible and spiritual. And I tried my best to deny it.

I agreed to our date in order to prove several things. To prove I no longer loved him. To prove he wasn't any different from the fanboys. To prove that it wasn't Eiri who brought out those amazing feelings in me. To prove that in his heart, Eiri was insincere about me.

Of course, all of those reasons were lies. The truth was that I was helpless against his siren call; I couldn't resist the promise of total joy once again, I wanted to experience him once more, even if it was the last time. I didn’t care if the situation ended in total devastation for me.

And when we spent that night together, I found myself stunned by the difference. The sex… it was everything. He was everything I was missing, everything I wanted.

That night confirmed my greatest fear; I still loved him. I was doomed.

All those other men I slept with meant absolutely nothing. They were as raindrops compared to the thundering waterfall that was Eiri.

Even so, there had been a lot of raindrops.

I could understand how Eiri might find my past actions shocking. Yet, at the same time, I had expected Eiri to understand what I went through. He was the same. He'd done the same things. He'd been alone and lonely; he'd gone through lovers like water. Indulged in meaningless tryst after meaningless tryst, even when we were together he had persisted, more out of habit then need, I think.

So why had he been so… horrible about what I'd done?

What were his words again? Something about Tohma being the only person in Tokyo I hadn't fucked…

But then didn’t I say something about Kyo deserving a free fuck? I closed my eyes and my stomach turned. We had both been out of control with our brutal, cruel words.

Were we over? It wasn’t the first time one of us had shouted break-up words during a fight, but I had to wonder if it was the last.

My stomached twisted again. I should have taken my medicine today.

"Hey, mister, are you okay?"

Opening my eyes, I looked up to see one of the young skate boarders. He was soaked to the bone but I could see his buddies still skating, practicing tricks on the makeshift ramp they had built. I wasn’t in disguise, but I hoped my spiky black and pink hair would throw anyone off. Although, now, my hair was rain-drenched so it wasn’t so spiky.

Fuck it.

“I’m okay,” I smiled at him. “You guys are pretty good.”

“Ya think so?” he answered with a shrug.

“Yeah,” I looked at his scraped and bruised hands and the object they clutched with love. “That’s a nice board.”

“Eh. It needs some upgrades,” he shrugged again.

“Hey, Takumi! Come on!” one of the boy’s friends shouted.

“Well, I gotta go,” he paused, turning to look at me again. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?"

"Yes," I smiled. "But thank you for asking."

His friend joined us and asked, “Hey, you're that Bad Luck guy, aren't you?"

I nodded and held my breath. It was possible they would freak out and become gushing fans. Or, it was just as likely, as they were teenage boys, they might deliver a series of insults about my alternate lifestyle.

Instead, I was surprised with option number three.

"My sister and her friends like your stuff," the newcomer said vaguely. "But you used to skate, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I've spent a little time on a skateboard," I confessed.

"I've seen some old music videos of you on a board. You weren't bad."

"Well, for a long time it was my only mode of transportation." I laughed. "I really didn't have much of a choice. Besides, I’ve never really been able to get the knack of driving."

"Hey, you wanna skate with us?" The one known as Takumi asked.

Hmm. For a moment I seriously considered it, after all, what was the worst that could happen? I could crash and break my leg. Or, maybe my arm. Even better, maybe my head. Maybe I'd get a massive concussion and forget my life, forget Eiri, forget everything.

It could happen.

Finally, I shook my head and I answered, "Nah, I don't have a board. I think I’d rather watch, but thanks for asking."

“Suit yourself,” Takumi said and the two scampered back to their friends.

As I watched their fearlessness on the poorly constructed ramp, the music in my head switched to an American hip-hop song Kyo had taught me.

Kick - push, kick - push, kick - push, kick - push.
Coast.
So come and skate with me
Just a rebel lookin’ for a place to be
So let’s kick – and push – and coast.

Kyo had tried everything when he was teaching me English. We went through flash cards, elementary children’s books, tapes, games, as I said he tried everything. I had always been such a poor student. I was easily distracted from learning anything and I hadn’t gotten any better with time. My teachers had always complained I had too much energy. I must have driven Kyo to the limit of his good-natured patience. He finally figured out, as he had earlier in our relationship, the way into my brain is usually through music.

He had me listen to and sing a ton of English language music, trying to get me to the point where I could utter the unfamiliar sounds. The two of us would sing together for hours. I smiled as I fondly remembered how wonderful he was. And because of his persistence, I reached a point where I could speak several sentences without making a complete fool of myself.

Inspiration suddenly flooded through me. Of course, this was simple. All I needed was to get to NG, all I needed to do was sing. Everything would be all right if I could sing.

And suddenly, I had lyrics for the horny threesome’s song.

I hailed a cab, singing softly the whole way to the studio. I was frantic to get words on paper and my voice recorded.

Sometimes song lyrics come to me this way – like a bolt of lightening from the sky. It is more normal for me to struggle, at least a little, with writing lyrics. And sometimes I have an all out battle – writing and rewriting. Tearing my hair out and threatening to quit the music business because I’m convinced my talent is completely gone.

I think they call it writer’s block. It sucks.

Yet, eventually the words come back to me, making the world seem right. And then I sing and I feel as if I could do anything, tackle any problem and overcome any obstacle.

Kyo, of course, had sent the music to NG and once there, I rounded up some poor, hapless soundman to help me record.

So, confused and hurt by Eiri’s words and lost in my own uncertainty, I sang. I sang to soothe my aching, frightened heart and to reassure myself that I would be all right, come what may.

Three hours later, after I finished recording, I felt good. Well, I felt better, anyway. I was centered and ready to face Eiri once again.

Maybe. At least, I thought I was.

He, however, had other plans.


When I got home later that night, my house was empty except for Neko-Yuki. I roamed through both apartments, searching, looking for clues to his whereabouts, hoping for a note at the very least. But there was nothing.

I had a bad feeling about this.

Realizing my cell phone had been off since before the disastrous therapy session, I quickly checked it.

Eiri’s recorded voice was cold and emotionless as it said; “I need to think about some things so I’ll be gone for awhile.”

He was gone. He had walked out again, left me alone and in the dark again.

My knees buckled under me and I slid to the floor. My heart beat so wildly in my chest I thought it might burst. It hurt. My heart hurt.

He had left me. He was gone.

How could he do this to me? When he said he wouldn’t, when he promised me he wouldn’t. Why?

Was he gone because I shouted at him? Unlikely, he never listened to me when I was angry. He rarely listened to me, period.

Was he gone because he thought of me as a whore? That scenerio was more of a possibility.

Or was it because of something else?

My mind replayed the scene in the Doctor’s office. Eiri accused me of sleeping with…

I called Tohma. I was so upset I don’t know what I said to him or what he said to me, but after our conversation, I was certain of two things. First, Eiri knew what had happened between Tohma and me. And, second, Eiri was indeed gone.

I didn’t know if he would ever come back.

No tears fell this time as I quickly buried the pain deep inside. I couldn’t think about him leaving me, if I did I feared I would lose my sanity. All I could do was pretend he had never come back. Somehow, it was as simple to erase the last six months, as it was to erase Eiri’s message.

I could survive this, I would survive this. I had my music and my friends, I still had everything I had six months ago. The problem was I couldn’t stay in an empty house brooding and dwelling on it. I needed to get out; I needed to find a diversion.

I dialed a number I had not dialed in months.

“Akira,” I smiled as I fell back into a comforting pattern. “I apologize for the short notice. Are you free this evening to drive me? I should be ready in about an hour.”


We were in the parking lot at the second nightclub for the evening. I sat in the back of the limo as I stared at the doors. I was amazed to realize I didn’t want to go inside.

The last nightclub had turned out to be somewhat claustrophobic for me. Too many people touched me and I didn’t like the music. But the thing that had bothered me the most was the smell. It wasn’t the stale scent of cigarettes, alcohol and sweat bothering me; it was the scent of loneliness and desperation turning my stomach.

Had I smelled like that when Eiri was gone? Did I smell like that now?

And now we were at this club… what was I thinking when I asked Akira to drive me here?

“Akira, could you wait a moment before opening the door?”

“Of course, sir.”

I stared out the window at the crowd moving. It was just a place, I’d been here hundreds of times and normally, I wouldn’t hesitate to go inside. What was stopping me?

What a stupid question.

The answer was easy, memories of Eiri, of course.

I had gone with Eiri to this club. It seemed so long ago now, but really, it had only been about six months. It hadn’t been our finest hour, but it hadn’t been awful either. He’d been so sweet that night and he tried so hard to make amends in that awkward first date kind of way. I could hardly believe it was Eiri that night.

And I had been rough with him, mean even. I had treated him badly, expecting him to give up and walk off. He did walk off eventually, but not for the reasons I would have ever anticipated.

Ryuichi did have that affect on people.

I had chased Eiri that night. But not in the same way I had chased him in the past. He had needed me to chase him that night.

But now…

History had proven, when he made up his mind, I couldn't stop him from leaving me. History had proven no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't drag him back. And I was beyond the point of begging him – I supposed I could do it, but I knew I would resent him for it. And my resentment would build, burn, and eventually cause other problems. History had proven that as well.

Perhaps the only thing left to do was let him go.

I loved him and I wanted him desperately, but maybe it was time to let him decide what he wanted, without guilt or emotions from me getting in the way. Besides, I wasn’t sure I wanted the roller coaster ride anymore.

Yeah. I would let him go.

“Is there something wrong, Sir?” Akira asked quietly.

“No,” I answered. “I guess I’m just not in the mood.”

Akira asked softly, "Perhaps you would prefer a leisurely drive around town? It has turned into a lovely evening."

I had to clear my throat before I answered, "That would be nice, thank you."

He nodded and the car moved out of the parking lot.

Who knows what sights we passed or what streets we drove. I was oblivious, lost in my pain and sorrow, convinced I had lost my first and only love.

Again.

This time would hurt, probably as much as the last time. And this time there would be no Kyo or Hiro to help me through the torturous loneliness. Well, they would help me, but not as they had the last time.

Just as well.

I didn't want anyone else. Maybe I never would again. The partying and recklessness I had indulged in before now seemed dull and stupid. Boys and drugs wouldn't keep me distracted anymore; it was time to move on to something more productive and less destructive.

Yeah, time to move on.

I looked up through the moon roof and watched the sparse clouds. They were moving fast, racing across the sky, pulling apart, unraveling into smaller and smaller wispy pieces until finally, only sky remained.

Just like my relationship with Eiri.

My eyes burned with unshed tears and I blinked them back in anger. No more tears. It was time to let go, let the cloud slip through my fingers and move along on its journey. It’s impossible to hold a cloud, anyway.

My phone burst to life and the Welcome to My Romance ring tone let me know my caller was completely unknown. I don’t know what possessed me, but I answered it.

It was Maiko.

“Shuichi?” She answered raggedly. “Oh, thank the gods! Shuichi listen, I need you to come get me. Right now.”

“Maiko?” I answered as fear coursed through my veins. She sounded so strange. “What’s going on?”

“Come get me,” she gasped. “Hurry.”

“Maiko, what is…”

“Right now, Shuichi! I can’t wait.”

“Okay, okay,” my heart was racing. Something was terribly wrong. “Where are you?”

She gave me an address and I barked it out to Akira and told him to hurry. We changed directions quickly and sped towards my little sister.

I was about to learn that life holds many painful experiences, and some can be worse than broken hearts.


One more pass, I thought to myself as I made the turn and walked past the apartment doors for the seventh time.

I found refuge once again in Mirai’s home. Well, make that we found refuge in Mirai’s home. Maiko had refused to go to my apartment, frightened out of her wits that her crazy boyfriend would be there waiting for her. That's how far that twisted bastard had gotten into her head. She could no longer see reality; to understand that there was no way he could get past me to get to her.

I was fairly sure he understood that.

Daisuke had seemed so normal. A little on the geeky side maybe, but not the psychotic freak he had transformed into. Maiko told me his erratic behavior had been coming on so slowly she had not realized how bad it was. Not until he began showing up at her school at odd hours, demanding to know where she had been hiding. At first she thought his schedule was getting to him, he worked long hours at home, sometimes for days on end. But then he refused to let her leave the house. After that, he took her computer and her phone away. He turned her into a prisoner in her own home.

And when she told him he needed help, he beat her.

My fists clenched. I was so stupid. I should have called her back when I got that strange message from her. I could have saved her from him.

Mirai had been my rock in the storm, as she had been in the past. She took my abused sister and gently bathed her, dressed her and put her in bed, speaking softly and reassuring her the whole time. Holding and rocking Maiko until the dead, empty eyes filled with life and pain and the tears began to flow.

And she kept me in line, forced me to tuck away my anger and selfishness and to place Maiko first. How would beating Miyamoto Daisuke to death be of help to Maiko at this moment?

Well, it would make me feel a hell of a lot better. She made sure to let me know that this wasn’t about me.

Mirai took care of Maiko very much the same way she had taken care of me so long ago. She was an amazing woman and I wished, not for the first time in my life, that I were straight. It would solve a multitude of problems for me.

Three problems in particular. Hiro, Kyo, and Eiri.

Eiri.

My heart ached to be with him. I longed to hear his words of concerned comfort even if he disguised them as sarcastic, biting insults. I wanted him to hold me and tell me I was an idiot for being so upset and that everything would be all right.

I thought about calling him, but I couldn’t.

I had picked up Maiko at a payphone, shivering in her thin summer shirt. She clutched her purse to her chest as if it were her only possession. Considering she had just fled from her home, maybe that was how she thought of it. When she saw me get out of the limo, she managed two faltering steps and then collapsed on the sidewalk. I raced to her side to find her sobbing.

It was clear to me she had been hanging on emotionally until she saw me.

My heart was banging in my chest when I helped her to her feet. And then, I saw her face. Her left eye was swollen shut and she was protecting her right arm. I steered her towards the limo and she whimpered in fear when she saw Akira.

I began speaking lowly to her, soothing her as I had neko-Yuki when I first brought him home, feral and terrified. I told her about Akira and he, quickly understanding the situation kept his distance.

He asked if we should go to a hospital and she went crazy. Maiko was convinced that Daisuke would know and would come get her. He would know.

Again, I spoke to her softly, explaining we didn’t have to go. We could wait, even though I was worried about her arm.

She leaned against me, still sobbing, griping her bag as if it was the most important thing in the world. She was beginning to calm when my phone rang.

It was Rage Beat. The ring tone I used for people I did not like.

We looked at the display together and she became hysterical. And the only way I could pacify her was to throw the phone out of the moon roof.

Calling Eiri wasn’t even an option at this point. Without my phone, I didn't even know his number.

I supposed it was just as well. Calling him would defeat my grand, selfless plan of letting him go. I couldn't rely on Eiri, I couldn’t burden him with this. It was time I stood on my own two feet.

And now I needed to focus on someone other than myself.

After the incident with the phone, I tried to get her to agree to go to my apartment, but that was when she freaked out, convinced Daisuke would somehow know where she was and would get to her. I got the same reaction when I mentioned mom and dad’s house. Finally, we settled on Mirai’s place. Luckily, my friend was home and as I suspected, she welcomed us with open arms.

While she bathed Maiko, I had the unhappy task of alerting our parents of the situation and the possibility that the psycho might come and visit them. I encouraged them to relocate to a hotel, but they pooh-poohed me.

Mom was not surprised by the turn of events and asked me if she should come help. I explained Maiko was more worried about Daisuke finding her or any of her family than anything else.

They assured me they would tell the security and they would not open the door for anyone.

Their house is safe. After I became famous, it was necessary to get them a place that was not easily broken into. Fans can really be… well, fanatic sometimes. So K had installed a state of the art security system for them in a secured community.

I found it highly unlikely Daisuke could get in.

Even so, and for Maiko’s sake, I asked them to think about taking a trip. A short one for a week or so until everything settled down again.

They agreed to think about it.

I went back inside. I was tired. It was late, or early, depending on your point of view. A lot had happened in the last 24 hours.

On the low table was Maiko’s small bag, the one she had hugged as if her life depended on it. I sat down on the couch and cautiously opened it. I knew I shouldn’t, I knew it was an invasion, but I needed something to do in order to keep myself from going stark raving mad.

Inside was a small photo album that contained several family pictures. There were several of Maiko, Hiro, and me as children.

Also inside the bag was a small cardboard box I recognized from my childhood. I opened it carefully as age had taken a toll on the light green cardboard. The box consisted of twelve separate slots seemingly filled with tissue paper. I pulled one of the bundles of tissues out and unwrapped it. A small ox, carved from jade lay inside the tissue. I took another and opened it. A tiny tiger figurine rested in this slot.

Mother had handed down these figurines to Maiko on her twentieth birthday.

The next item I pulled out was a smaller, velvet bag. Inside were two items. The first was a necklace of gold with a lapis lazuli pendant that Hiro had given her when she graduated from high school. The second item was a cheap, silver charm bracelet of Hello Kitty I had given her on her 10th birthday. I couldn't believe she still had it, much less considered it a treasure.

A manila envelope filled with Bad Luck paraphernalia was next; stuffed with tickets, back-stage passes and various newspaper articles from our early days. Maiko had always been our number one fan.

There was a tiny, limited edition hardcover book. It was one of Eiri’s short stories; the one he had dedicated to Maiko.

Finally, there was a small leather wallet; inside was her ID, a few yen and a white ribbon. I recognized the ribbon as the one Mika had given Maiko one hot summer day in order to tie up her hair.

Such random objects yet they all held a special place in my sister's heart. My eyes stung with tears at the sight of the random yet priceless items.

Mirai came out of the bedroom and sat down next to me. She gazed at the prizes on the table and smiled. “You know you really shouldn’t go through a woman’s purse.”

“I know…” I answered guiltily. “I was morbidly curious what my sister would consider valuable at a time like this.”

“Were you surprised by what she took?”

I lovingly touched Eiri’s book before I answered, “Not really. I guess I didn’t know what to expect. They are all very personal to Maiko.”

“That makes perfect sense to me,” she added as she patted my arm. “She’s asking for you. I think you should sleep in the room with her.”

“How is her arm?” I asked quietly.

“I don’t think it’s broken, but someone should probably take a look at it at some point.”

“Do you think she’ll be okay until tomorrow?”

Mirai shrugged, “I think so, but I really don’t know, Shu. Personally, I think taking her anywhere would be more of a shock to her right now than any physical pain she is dealing with.”

I nodded and then hugged her tightly. “I don’t know how to thank you, Mirai.”

“No need to,” she said softly, the sorrow evident in her voice. “I’m sorry she had to experience this.”

“Yeah…” I choked back a sob. “He was her first true love, Mirai. This will change her.”

“Yes, it will,” she pulled away and brushed at the hair above my eyes. “I gave her one of my mild sleeping pills, but she is fighting it. Who knows how long it’s been since she’s had any sleep. To be honest, Shu, I’m a little worried about you, too.”

“Me?” I said with surprise. “Why?”

“You aren’t yourself. You’ve almost completely shut down emotionally. There’s more going on with you than Maiko, isn’t it?”

Sighing I answered, “It’s just Maiko, Mirai. There’s nothing else.”

“Really?” She was unconvinced but wisely chose to not pursue her instincts. “Then, go to Maiko, she needs you.”

Nodding again, I picked up the bag, carefully replacing all the objects before I made my way to the spare bedroom and to my sad and broken sister.

“Maiko? It’s me.”

“Shuichi?” She called out softly, raising her head slightly to see me. She really was struggling against the sedative. She held out her hand.

I placed her bag on the dresser and then took her hand. Sliding onto the bed, I situated myself so I was sitting up, my back against the wall. I softened my voice for her, “Try to sleep Maiko. I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise.”

She moved closer to me, pressing her cheek against my leg. “Would you sing for me?”

Smiling, I stroked her hair and answered, “Of course, anything for my favorite sister.”

Moving her head in order to make eye contact in the dimly lit room, she said sarcastically, “I’m your only sister.”

“There’s my Maiko. It’s good to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor,” I tried to be upbeat.

She squeezed my ticklish knee, forcing a laugh from me before she demanded, “Just sing, okay?”

And so I did. I sang every lullaby, every childhood song I could think of.

What else do you sing when mourning the loss of your sister’s innocence?

TBC


Lyrics for Vegetable by Radiohead

Lyrics for Kick Push by Lupe Fiasco