All The Way Here

Their huge studio was lit only by the light of the monitors and the glow from Matt\'s game. When Near\'s voice sounded, unemotional as ever, from the speakers, the semi-darkness rendered an eerieness to the boy\'s diction. It was the first thing that had been spoken for hours. "Mello, Mr Mogi is asleep now. He\'s had his eyes closed for forty minutes and his breathing is very deep. I watched the pulse in his neck and it is very slow. He is asleep."



Mello felt goosebumps rise on his arms that had nothing to do with the incredible coldness of the room. He hesitated before touching the telephone, then again before activating the handsfree, allowing two-way dialogue. Sitting on the floor and leaning against Mello\'s chair, Matt saved his game and exchanged glances with the blond. "Ok, Near." Mello said, a little too sharply, into the receiver. Unspoken words hung heavy in the air, practically crackling with static electricity for that. Matt lifted his hand, unable to stand it, wanting to claim the receiver and have the conversation himself, but Mello gestured him away. He didn\'t go, just stared attentively. "Still there?"



"Yes."



"Has Mogi spoken at all? Or maybe done something with his body language that tells you anything?" Mello asked. Beside him, Matt mouthed, \'Asperger\'s Syndrome\'.



"No, Mr Mogi has sat very still and hasn\'t said a word." Near confirmed, utterly deadpan.



"Frozen still? Or has he moved at all?" Mello probed.



"Mogi sat with his feet on the floor and his hands on the arm of the chair. Mogi watches me or he stares straight ahead." Near confirmed. "Mello knows he is being controlled by Kira."



"Only the Japanese taskforce know he\'s there." Mello bit into his chocolate, gazing straight ahead. They had already watched the two policemen enter a block adjacent to their own. Long searching through binoculars had directed Mello to their window. There was a camera in it, pointed outwards, trained, as their own was, on Near\'s building. Mello had already sneaked over there and returned with a fair idea of their room number. "Kira is definitely in their ranks."



"That\'s what I think too." There was a faint clunk. "Mogi should not stay silent if he is not being controlled."



They had already circled in this dance. They were sharing nothing new. Matt mouthed, \'Tell him to get something to eat and go to bed.\' Mello markedly looked away, watching the city lights reflected around Near\'s illuminated window. "Near, keep this communication open. I want to hear everything that happens."



"The fact that I am not dead means Mogi is not Kira. Mello sent him here not knowing if he was Kira."



"Right, Near." Mello smirked, but didn\'t share his thoughts. Matt lightly punched his knee, softly enough to neither sound nor hurt. Mello abandoned the chocolate bar between his teeth and used his freed hand to force the redhead to turn his head. Retrieving the chocolate, Mello added. "It was unlikely to be Mogi, Near."



"Mello doesn\'t want to kill me." Near spoke in that same stark, level voice, showing no indication as to whether that was a question or a statement, nor what his feelings might be on the subject. "Not yet."



"Near, go to bed." Mello snapped. "You have Mogi\'s \'phone plugged into a socket? So it\'s not draining the battery?" He awaited the confirmation. "Good. Leave the communication open and fuck off to bed."



"Goodnight, Mello."



The blond glared at the telephone, as if it was alive and repulsive. After a moment\'s fierce inner debate, he jabbed a finger at the loudspeaker button, effectively ending their conversation. There was a short pause, then they heard Near\'s footsteps padding away from the microphone. "What?"



"I didn\'t say a word." Matt bent down over his Gameboy Advanced and retrieved his saved game. "I\'ll take first shift, if you like."



Mello stroked Matt\'s hair and cast an eye over the monitors. "Near is keeping the link open all night. Will the \'phones cope?"



"Yes."



"The camera and sensors outside our door should warn us if anyone passes out there." Mello ran a hand down the side of Matt\'s face. "I know what I said before about 24 hour surveillance, but we can see and hear everything from the bed." His hand paused uncertainly. "I could do with your body warmth in there."



"That all?" Matt kept his head bowed over his game. His eyes stung from the hours of concentration on the tiny screen, while darkness hung everywhere else about them. His left eye was swollen, forcing him to abandon the goggles that cut into it. He became aware that Mello hadn\'t responded and so looked up testily. "Eh?"



Mello was staring at the edge of the desk. His expression was either pensive or tired, it was difficult to say. While things were obviously churning around his mind, there wasn\'t that intensity that came when his thinking was strategic. His blue eyes shifted suddenly lock onto Matt\'s questioning gaze. "There\'s still redemption."



"What?"



"You said that Kira killing Watari took away our redemption. You got that bit wrong." Mello didn\'t touch the rosary around his neck. Instead, he cupped Matt\'s cheek and ran his thumb gently across his ear. "I\'m not going to hit you and just say \'I love you\' to make it go away. That dirties the words. I\'ve brought you into danger and..." Mello gave a shuddering breath. "I haven\'t got the words to say to you. I haven\'t got that poetry, you know? I don\'t know if it\'s because I\'m scared I\'ll wake up tomorrow and wish I\'d never stripped myself that naked. You blunt the edges of me. You keep me human. You\'re my conscience and my grace. When I\'m with you, I think that there will salvation, so I try that little bit harder. I can\'t destroy the world in a blaze of glory, while you\'re still in it. You\'re that precious. You are my redemption." Those blue eyes fought to enforce the message with all the ferocity of the emotion inside. "Most of all, I don\'t say these things because you won\'t know how to handle them." A little smile of reassurance flickered onto his lips. "You spelt out the mess of us Wammy kids earlier. You... the tragedy of you personally? That\'s the fact that probably the most lovely person in the world can\'t cope with being loved."



A great shudder wracked Matt\'s body and his head went down. Mello slid off the chair and held him close, feeling his battle against sobs as seismic trembling from head to booted toe. Eventually they stopped and Matt just lay limp against him, swallowing hard, but calm. He reached out and lit a cigarette, then rasped, "Mello. You\'ve got the poetry."



"I\'m sorry if I was too honest. I didn\'t want to regret never telling you that." Mello licked his chocolate, legs spidering around Matt\'s waist. "I think it a lot."



"Well. Thanks for sharing." Matt inhaled deeply on his cigarette, smoke emerging as twirling, blue fractals in the air. "Mel, you show it. I knew."



"You can pick it out of all of the crap I put you through?" Mello smiled weakly. "I\'m glad." He picked strands of hair from where they stuck, clammy, to Matt\'s neck. "Back home, hidden in the boiler, there\'s thirty grand and a collection of false documents. They just need putting together. You\'d see. If you should ever have to..."



"Stop." Matt leaned in, kissing away the words and the chocolate. "No, I\'m not in denial. But stop."



"No, you stop." Mello kissed him again, but drew back. "I know us. We don\'t get to this level of honesty that often, so I need to say things while I\'ve got your attention." A quick, glorious smile that bespoke approval. It was alright to say these things. "The world is so close to going under. The resistance, our ammunition... Matty, I\'ve never fought odds as dire as this. The police are ineffective; the governments in so many countries have rolled over and are playing dead. It\'s a challenge, yes, and I do love a challenge. But we\'re against someone who could do that. Someone who could outwit L. Sometimes I feel that like a big, black blanket coming down..." Mello didn\'t show fear. Matt had doubted that his lover had had fear in amongst his cache of overwhelming emotions, or if it had been deleted from the memory to make room to fit in all that anger. But Mello allowed the fear to rise on his features now. "Don\'t underestimate Kira, Matt. Don\'t be blase. Because I look at everything, then I look at all we\'ve got to fight with. You hiding from the world, hiding in your games because you don\'t know what else to do. Then I look at Near." Mello\'s eyes momentarily closed. "I think that the three of us are the best hope this world has of coming out the other side and..." He finally faltered, out of words.



"My turn." Matt spoke softly, but firmly, as soon as he was sure that Mello was done. "Bear with me on this until I finish. The other week, I was on Vent and a friend of mine started with the SOSs. He\'d been working for hours to save up for his Godsword, but he was going up against a boss. I mean a big boss. I\'ve only owned him five or six times myself, he\'s that hard. Anyway, Jobe was a seasoned fighter, real tank, high level, but he was panicking big-time. He\'d fought a safe spot and he was going on and on needing me to come and rescue him. He was scared of losing his Godsword, see?"



The tears were dripping down Mello\'s face, across his scars, onto his chin. He nodded. "This is what I\'m saying, Matty. In real life, I\'m in a safe-spot and I don\'t want to lose my Godsword. But the boss could just as easily take you out as me and..."



"Right. So shut up and listen to what I said to him." Matt smiled kindly, pressing the rosary into Mello\'s hand. "That sword is the pwnage. Best weapon in the game. But what\'s the use of working for it and saving up, if you\'re not going to use it. You can walk around and have everyone impressed, but if you\'re going to play the game, you have to risk losing it. It\'s cheating else. The thing that most people don\'t get is that \'game over\' is just as much part of it as \'game loading\'. You just have to stop panicking and be the best that you can be." He leaned in and kissed Mello\'s unconvinced face. "Put it another way. God never gives you more than you can handle. If you have something this big, then God must think a lot of you. As for your only real back-up being me and Near, then that\'s alright. I\'m good with bosses and Near is famously intelligent."



"You\'re not getting it."



"I am." Matt gave a little laugh. "We\'re probably all going to be killed, but, you know, I like to think that we\'ll go out fighting." He lit a cigarette. "That Jobe, he was on his last 6 hitpoints when I finally got to him. He kept his Godsword. But he wouldn\'t have had a problem if he hadn\'t panicked."



"I\'m not fucking panicking."



Matt snorted, "Much." He scrambled to his feet. "I\'m making a cuppa. We\'ve had our honesty moment and they\'re no good for you. Lose your nerve and it\'s game over before you\'ve gambled a thing. So what\'s the use in playing the game then?" Matt paused by the window, gazing across at Near\'s window. "Can you feel scared with Asperger\'s Syndrome?"



"Who cares?" Mello sparked back into himself, standing to march over to the bed. Matt watched his shape in the half-light and smiled. The blond spun around and nearly caught him at it. "Matt, have you just told me, in your incomprehensible way, that you are fully prepared to die here?"



"If you\'re in danger of losing your Godsword. Yes." Matt smirked feeling for the kettle.



"Matt..."



"For fuck\'s sake, Mello. I accepted that eventuality the second we knew L was dead. We all did." He found the tap and filled the kettle. "I know."



Mello arranged pillows on the bed, slapping them hard. "What if you got there and I was already... I\'d already lost my Godsword?"



"I\'d pick it up and get after the bastard that pwned you."



"Heh." Mello strode across to face him with a serpentine smirk on his face. "Then I\'d better make sure I\'m not owned then."



"That\'s my plan too."