Watari Pt 2: Wammy's House

Unusally, Matt was awake before Mello. He lay in the half-asleep daze that generally accompanied his mornings, until memories of the day before pushed too keenly the need for caffeine and nicotine. He unwrapped himself from his cocoon of quilt and stared at the sleeping blond on the far side of the bed. Mello didn\'t stir, his breathing steadily heavy. The redhead flashed a smile at him and padded off into the landing and down the stairs.



The house was light and quiet; peaceful. The whole day seemed reborn, separate from anything that had gone before, fresh and sparkling with stillness. There was embarrassment there too. In fact, if Matt thought about his behaviour yesterday, it was with toe-curling anxiety, washed over with the sense that if he dwelled upon it, it would end in depression or worse again. It was better to take what Mello and Near had both said at face value. It really was alright now. It was over. Matt filled the kettle, examining his feelings as he absently gazed out over their backyard. Relief for the most part. It was like a big, black, unbearably heavy blanket had been pulled from his shoulders. Regret, but no more pressure. He lit a cigarette and waited for the kettle to boil.



The kitchen felt so homely and beautiful that Matt sat in it for nearly two hours. Drinking endless cups of tea and smoking at the kitchen table. He put \'Dharma Cafe\' on quietly, allowing the chill out tunes to complement the atmosphere, while he played on his PSP. An inspection of the DS had proved it well beyond repair. It was in the midst of this perfect contentment that Mello startled him, leaning over for a kiss. "Shit! Fucking Christ! I didn\'t hear you come in."



Mello grinned at him. "I\'m a Ninja."



"Yes." Matt relaxed into the kiss, suddenly aware that he hadn\'t cleaned his teeth, washed or shaved yet. But neither had Mello. "Do you want coffee?"



"I\'ll do it." Mello yawned. "How are you feeling?"



Matt blinked, unsure how to answer. \'At peace\' seemed to insult the hurt and worry he had caused his lover yesterday. \'Anxious\' felt better but might add to the concern. He settled for, "Alright."



"You look better."



"I feel it."



Mello picked up Matt\'s mug and gave it a rinse before dropping a teabag into it. Long minutes passed in a quiet domesticity, Matt drifting into his game again, listening to the sound of the cafeterie being rinsed out and ground coffee taken from the freezer. When he glanced back up again, it was to find Mello leaning against the worktop, watching him with a faint smile on his face. "I mean it, Matty, you do look better."



Matt paused his game and placed the PSP on the table, sensing that he should be more sociable. "Are you ok?"



"I\'m good." Mello\'s smile grew wider and he winked in reassurance. "What are we listening to?"



"Cybertribe."



"It\'s nice."



"I thought you hated my music."



"I lied." The blond wandered over to the fridge and opened it. "Have you eaten?"



"Erm." Matt considered the question. It was loaded. It was Mello\'s way of checking up on him, but, in truth, he had been too busy playing his game to grab anything.



"Bacon, sausage, eggs, halloumi cheese?"



"Sounds great." It occurred to Matt just how hungry he was. In fact, now that the suggestion had been placed in his mind, his body\'s shrieking demands for food made him want to eat anything and everything in the pantry. "Sit down and have your coffee, I\'ll make it."



"I\'m fine. I want to do it." Mello deposited another cup of tea on the table in front of Matt. "Carry on playing, I\'m enjoying listening to the beeps."



"Right?" The redhead frowned the question. Electronic music was not normally top of Mello\'s favourite things to hear. Cybertribe might have made it past the grade, but Ramshackle had once been forcefully switched off, while Meat Beat Manifesto had been called \'that fucking shit you pollute your ears with\'. In fact, Matt couldn\'t think of a single band or artist, prior to Cybertribe, which had met with Mello\'s approval. He had certainly ranted often enough about game audios. Matt understood that he was being humoured. "Put one of your tunes on if you like. I don\'t mind."



"I\'m fine with this." Mello emerged from the fridge with his ingredients and started cooking. "It\'s soothing."



"I can do you a copy if you like."



"Ok."



Matt pursed his lips. "I\'m more than alright. I feel like a weight\'s been lifted off my shoulders and, forgive me for saying this, I feel at peace." He watched the blond smile back at him. "I\'m mortified by what I did yesterday and losing the plot and stuff..."



"It\'s ok."



"No, I hurt you badly." Matt kept his tone even. No emotion to fuel the flames. "I\'ve lied to you all my life. I kept feeding you lies to fill the blanks. I\'m the kid with no real name and no known birthday, who..."



"Mail Jeevas-Keehl. February 1st."



Matt bowed his head. It felt like Mello was in denial. It felt like Mello was right. It hit like a shard of glass right through the heart of the beautiful atmosphere, but it was an old hurt and it could be buried. "I lied to you when you asked me outright if I was number one at Wammy\'s. I thought I was and so I lied to you."



"Because you love me." Mello turned the bacon under the grill. "Sometimes lies are the kindest thing that one person can do for another."



"I don\'t want to lie to you anymore."



"Then don\'t." It was said mildly, too lightly.



"Why are you being so nice?"



Mello turned from splashing vegetable oil over the eggs and surveyed him. "As I said last night, you\'ve been through a lot just recently. Your hitpoints have never looked so low. Besides, eight hours ago, you let me hold you until you fell asleep, which you never do." He held Matt\'s gaze and winked. "Maybe, just maybe, I want to be nice to you."



“You’ve been through the mill too. You’ve had skin grafts, lost your way mentally…”



“I’m not comparing notes, Matt. I know precisely what I’ve lived through.” Mello snapped. “Besides I need you to be healthy. You’re no good to me physically wrecked, in any sense of the meaning.” He waited for the eggs to finish frying, then served up their food and placed the plates on the table. “Eat up.”



They ate in silence for a minute, letting the strains of ‘Dharma Café’ wash over them. Matt glanced up with a mouthful of halloumi cheese. “This is really nice. Thank you for cooking.” Across the table, Mello just nodded. “You’ve changed.” Blue eyes peered up from beneath a shaggy, blond fringe, still unreadable. “I mean that a lot about you has changed.”



“For the better?”



“I don’t know yet.” Matt replied truthfully. Mello frowned. “One thing Roger said about us is that you externalise your emotions and I internalise them. He also asked me if we see anyone else or if it’s a closed world with just us in it? It’s pretty much a closed world, isn’t it? Which means you’ve only got me to externalise onto. You think I can’t take it, where’s it all going to go? Yeah, you\'ve changed.”



“Oh, for fuck’s sake, don’t try psycho-analysing me, Matt. Yes, I know we’ve been through it. I know we need some time out to lick our wounds and work out where we go from here.”



“A year ago, you would never have cooked me breakfast. You’d have shouted at me until I did it myself.” He shrugged. “You’ve always been obsessive about tidy hair, but you haven’t so much as trimmed the fringe in about four months. You keep going really girly and talking about being ‘in love’ and I have no idea where that’s come from. You’ve always been pretty feminine to look at, but the rate you’re going, you’re going to be buying an Abba CD and working out the moves to ‘Dancing Queen’.”



Mello’s fork was still over his plate. He glared up. “I didn’t deserve that.”



“Deserve what?”



“You insulting me while I’m trying to eat my breakfast.” Silence hung harsh and awkward between them, until Matt mumbled an apology and bowed his head over his food. Mello slowly began eating as well. “I know what you’re trying to do. Perhaps even better than you know yourself. But just stop. Right?” He ate a few more mouthfuls before adding. “I’ll trim my hair later.”



“I was wondering which bit of that you took as an insult.”



“Matt, stop.” Mello growled, then sighed. “You’re picking a fight with me because you can’t stand all this attention on you. You think that if we could just have a row, then you’ll be left alone. Alternatively, it might turn into a proper fight, which would end in sex. Today we are going to do whatever you want to do. If that’s being left alone to play your games, then that’s what will happen. If it’s cuddling up on the settee, then that’s what will happen. Now give yourself a fucking break.”



“That’s not what…”



“Yes, it is. You were perfectly fine sitting here on your own. You only turned into this miserable bitch when I offered to make your drink and cook your breakfast. You’d be fine right now, if I’d asked you to do it, but no, I’m showing affection, so you have gone prickly.” Mello rose from his seat and slotted his empty plate into the dishwasher. “I’m going to ignore you now until you calm down again.”



Matt finished his breakfast without speaking a word. He knew suddenly that there would be retribution for his actions in Near\'s headquarters or, more likely, for the lies before it. Mello demanded to be told everything at all times, though he reserved the right to be secretive himself. The redhead reached for his game again, ostentatiously switching it on. Mello didn\'t collect Matt\'s plate. It lay on the table in front of him. Matt glanced up, but Mello was just pouring himself another coffee without offering a top up of his lover\'s tea. Matt\'s irritation dissolved into anxiety. It had always been a case of having to handle the silent treatment when Mello had one on him, but the blond looked just fine. In fact, as he peered out through the window at the summer day outside, he even smiled. This wasn\'t Mello\'s usual trick of taking out his anger on his lover, it was out and out denying his existence.



Matt lit a cigarette, gazing down at the menu without selecting a game. "Mello?" There was no response. The blond was leaning over the sink, staring up at the cloudless sky above the nets, drinking coffee and eating chocolate. "I\'m sorry." There was a creak of leather, but it was just Mello shifting his weight to his other foot. The little monitor blurred and a tear splashed the controls. Matt hated himself for crying again, his head bowed low so his lover wouldn\'t have the satisfaction of knowing.



There was a sigh from behind him. "Ok, I got it wrong. I was trying to give you some space to play your games and chill out without having to resort to rowing with me to get it. Instead, I\'ve ended up acting like your father." A bare arm reached around Matt\'s chest and squeezed. "I\'m not your father and I\'m not your therapist. I\'m just someone who loves you trying to work out how to help you."



Matt coughed over the lump in his throat, trying to blink away the tears before Mello saw them. He suspected that he already knew. "I\'m sorry."



"Mail, Near cracked up before they\'d even left Japan. Hal let it slip. I cracked up before the month was out. You\'ve been due one for months. You\'ve been really fucking strong. The most resilient person I know. But you\'ve covered it up under drugs and looking out for me. It can\'t go on." Mello pulled back Matt\'s hair and kissed the exposed forehead. "Something had to give and so it did, yesterday. You\'ve bounced back a lot quicker than I did. There\'s no shame in that."



"Just don\'t ignore me."



"As if I could ignore you, Mail Jeevas." Mello reached down to tap the PSP. "Go shoot little, green monsters or whatever you\'re up to. Shout me if you need anything." He picked up the plate and carried it to the dishwasher. Without being asked, he made another mug of tea and deposited it in front of Matt with a wink back at him. "Fucking beautiful. You really are." The blond stepped away and opened the backdoor, allowing fresh air in and himself out. A moment later, there was the rhythmic scraping and thudding of Mello playing football out in the yard. Matt smiled and lost himself in his game.