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Hakkai's Secret	By : TsuzukiM Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 3026 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, know the author, or make and money off this story. I do not own any of the characters except the ones I create.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
I had about three different versions of this chapter. I ended up re-editing the beta'd version yet again before I posted it. I just couldn't be happy with this chapter, and I've had that problem with a few of them. Please let me know (I might even be persuaded to email people the other versions if they were interested.) Still not takers on a beta yet! I'm going to run out of chapters to post if I don't get one soon.

And as always I humbly beg you to review!

Chapter 10 Anger

Panic began to grip Hakkai. Things seemed to slow down for him as he forced his feet to carry him to the doorway. He stopped in front of the door and listened. He could hear them, the other members of the Sanzo ikkou talking about him through the door. Goku was oddly quiet, but Sanzo and Gojyo were not.

“Yeah, and what about this food thing? You have any idea how much he eats now? It’s like living with Goku, only he cooks.”

“I cook for myself!” Goku cried.

“No you don’t, monkey-- roasting marshmallows doesn’t count,” Gojyo said.

“I can so cook more than marshmallows!”

“No, Goku, you can’t. There’s something not right about him,” Sanzo was saying. “ I could sense it last time I was here. Goku, knows something.”

“Hey, what makes you think I know something?”

“I can tell, monkey- you’re a piss poor liar.”

Goku growled. Hakkai could picture him crossing his arms and clenching his teeth.

“Something's up with them…Both of them. He’s trying to hide it, but he’s already told me enough. What you tell me just confirms what I already know. I had to drag Goku here.”

“So, what do you already know?” Gojyo asked.

So you haven't exactly told them, Goku.

Hakkai pressed his ear to the door, having a hard time hearing them over his own heart beat. He stood, nose to the door, hand on the knob trying to gum up the courage to walk in there with his head up.

After taking a few deep breaths, he knocked on the door.

“Come in!” Gojyo rang out. Yelling, “come in” before answering the door was one of those Gojyo things that drove Hakkai to distraction. It was the difference between someone whose spent time hunted by someone he’s truly afraid of and one who hasn’t. When a person has experienced that kind of terror, he generally learns to ask who’s at the door first.

Goku, who was wearing a petulant expression at first glance, broke into a wide grin. “Hakkai! You’re back!”

Hakkai plastered a smile on his face. The situation was made all the more difficult by the stench of twin cigarettes burning. “You’re all here! All of you… here! Ah-ha ha. How nice and--unexpected.”

Sanzo didn’t miss it when he and Goku exchanged looks.

“Why are you knocking on our door, Hakkai?” Gojyo asked.

“Um, I knew you were all here so I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“That makes no sense what so ever, man,” Gojyo said. He stubbed out his cigarette.

Hakkai looked over to Goku. All eyes were on him; he could feel their gazes crawling across his flesh. “Goku,” he said, hearing his voice crack a little, “What’s going on?” Hakkai suddenly felt like he’d stepped into a bad episode of “Celebrity Intervention.”

Hakkai turned a hateful gaze onto Goku. “You have to tell them,” he said, glaring back.

“You have to tell them,” he repeated.

Hakkai blushed and looked at his feet, then at his hands. He still had the dagger in his hands. He didn’t remember taking it out again.

Gojyo was looking at it. “What’s that?”

“I got it at the local pawnshop. Remember?”

“You were looking at it a couple weeks ago.”

“Yes. I bought it today. You want to look at it?”

Hakkai handed the blade over to Gojyo. The distraction a temporary respite he knew Gojyo was letting him have. He ran his fingers over the hilt and said, “Cool. How much did that run ya?”

“I’ve been saving for it for weeks.”

Gojyo tossed it on the table. The priest picked it up.

“Yeah Yeah, gorgeous,” Sanzo said flippantly. He tossed it back onto the table. Hakkai’s eye followed its progress.

“Coming from you, that’s high praise,” Hakkai said. He brushed past Goku to sit at the table. He did his best to look nonchalant.

“Huh, I think I’ve seen something like this before.”

“Really? I’ve never seen anything like it around here. If must be foreign,” Gojyo said.

“Its got yin-yang,” Goku said, looking over Sanzo’s shoulder.

“I recognize some of the other symbols too,” Sanzo shrugged.

Sanzo changed the subject. “So what’s going on with you and Goku?”

“Me and Goku? Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me. You’ve been acting strange. Goku’s been weird ever since our last visit. Did you really think he could hide things from me? What's going on with you, Hakkai?” Sanzo asked.

Sanzo could recall a few painful memories of Goku having opened his mouth about things to monks who didn’t need to know. The monkey couldn’t separate deceit from discretion. But it was a double edged sword. He knew about Hakkai, and though he knew he was being mean, he intended to torture out Hakkai’s confession any way.

Hakkai slipped his hands under his shirt beneath the table. It was a habit he’d recently picked up. Hakkai looked into Sanzo’s eyes. He had to fight to honor the conviction to look the man in the eye, and he did.

Sanzo’s eyes had a wicked sneer in them. The cruel twist to his mouth was one Hakkai had seen before. When he looked at Gojyo, Gojyo was looking at Sanzo in a calculating way.

“Spill it, demon,” Sanzo said.

Hakkai’s mind raced, the desire to lie after all the promises to tell the truth reared up. Sanzo really didn’t need to know. But wasn’t that all moot now?

But there was another path, and Hakkai had had enough. “Now Sanzo, really,” he said firmly, “I really don’t think it’s any of your business. If I want to tell you, I’ll do it in my own time and in my own way.”

“’Kai!” Goku whined.

“Oh really?” Sanzo said, noting how the scowl had deepened in Hakkai’s forehead. Green eyes dared him to say it. He reached one graceful finger over and pointed at Hakkai’s head. “So, now you’re going to take a stand? You think whatever goes on in that head of yours is none of my business? It became my business when I agreed to babysit you so you could have your freedom.”

Gojyo’s gaze shifted to Hakkai.

“So, are you threatening to take me in Sanzo?”

Gojyo looked back at Sanzo.

“No,” Sanzo said, “But if you owe me anything it’s an explanation. Or are you afraid to admit how screwed up you really are Hakkai?”

Hakkai’s eyes narrowed.

“You know, after the last time I saw you I suspected. I just couldn’t believe it though,” Sanzo stood in front of Hakkai just to look down on him. His shoulders shook with mirthless laughter. “It’s too rich for words, isn’t it Hakkai?”

Gojyo had a blank look. His gaze shifted between the Taijiya and the monk. “What?”

“Open your eyes, Gojyo. I just can’t believe we were all so stupid that the monkey had to say it first.”

The kappa never had been good at reading auras.

“Don’t you have any sensitivity at all Gojyo? Even Goku picked up on it. Look at him! Hell- You’ve been describing it to me for the last hour. Look!”

“What? Look at what?” he said, becoming obviously frustrated, “What’s he talking about, Hakkai?”

“What are you trying to do to me, Sanzo? You fucking asshole-!” Sanzo smacked him so suddenly Hakkai didn’t see it coming. Goku squeaked.

“Feh,” Sanzo said, “I’m not doing anything to you. You did this to me.”

Gojyo grabbed the priest and almost yanked him off his feet. He shook Sanzo when he said, “What the fuck is your problem?”

“You really can’t see it?” Sanzo said, grinning, “You live with him and you can’t see it? Pathetic.”

“What in the hell are you all talking about!” Gojyo was as close to shrieking as he ever got. Hakkai could only stand in horrified silence.

He felt a small hand tickle his palm, and he looked down to find Goku’s hand entwining with his own. Hakkai wove his fingers between Goku’s and squeezed them a little.

Sanzo was laughing. The laughter tore through Hakkai’s heart and he could feel a piece of his sanity chip away.

It’s all happening the way I was afraid it would.

Sanzo was being cruel. Sanzo was always cruel when he was pissed off. “You fucking disgusting youkai. You’re all so stupid you can’t even see what’s going on in front of you?”

Hakkai gripped Goku’s hand harder. Goku screwed up his face. It was like Hakkai was trying to break his fingers. When Sanzo whipped out the pistol and pointed it at him. He came in close to press the barrel to the side of Hakkai’s temple. He pressed his palm into Hakkai’s belly. Sanzo bent in close to whisper to him, “You did this on purpose you bastard. That night, ne?”

Hakkai looked at the floor. He didn’t want to look into their eyes.

“Tell him!” and the words stung Hakkai like a whip, “I tried to come up with a million reasons why his aura was reading this way. I see him now and it’s too obvious to deny. Now it all makes sense. You fool; he’s been lying to us!”

“Hakkai?” Gojyo prompted, and his name hung in the air like so much smoke.

Hakkai had to unhinge his jaw to speak. It seemed like the words just didn’t want to come. But then he just said it, “I’m pregnant.”

Sanzo was glaring at Gojyo, waiting to see how the information would sink in. He turned to Goku.

Goku flashed him a wan smile.

Then Gojyo began to chuckle, “You guys!” he said, “You went through all that just to pull my leg? Shit!” But then the chuckle petered out dryly as the others failed to laugh. For the moment, all eyes were on Gojyo until in all seriousness he said, “What, you’re not joking?”

Sanzo brought his fingers up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “C’mon Goku, we're out of here.”

Gojyo looked at Hakkai. “Is this true? What? Wait! No…C’mon! He’s a guy for Christ’s sake.”

Hakkai brought his eyes up to look into Gojyo’s. Through force of will he held the other’s red gaze, “Yes, it’s true.”

Sanzo grabbed Goku’s other hand and tried to drag him, barking and cursing him to move. The smaller demon didn’t move. It was like trying to move a boulder.

Gojyo sat back in his chair. “Whoa,” he said, “You mean pregnant like a woman? As in going to have a kid?”

Sanzo was gone, having left Goku behind.

Hakkai watched his face, gauging what the reaction might be once the whole thing percolated through Gojyo’s brain.

“How?” and then Gojyo’s face changed, “Never mind, how. What-? Uhn. I have to get my head wrapped around this!” It seemed Gojyo didn’t know which question he wanted to ask first. Several moments went by that were so quiet you could hear the clock ticking by the seconds.

“How long has this been going on?” he asked, the edge of real anger tinting his tone.

“Two months.”

“Whose?” Gojyo let the interrogative dangle. Then his features darkened, “Since when can you get pregnant, Hakkai? Since when do men get pregnant?”

“I’ve always wanted children…”

“YOU KNOW what I mean!”

Hakkai went silent. Then he said, “You don’t have to yell.”

“Did you know this could happen?”

When Hakkai froze up, even Gojyo couldn’t read him. Hakkai’s face had gone neutral, almost pleasant. Gojyo’s question was the key to a Pandora's box. If Hakkai answered that question, it would lead to things better left unexplained. Hakkai was in no way shape or form willing to break the covenant he had with the goddess. Gojyo walked up almost nose to nose with Hakkai. Gojyo was just about fed up with Hakkai.

Gojyo had a strange look on his face. He didn’t want to believe what he was hearing. It didn’t make any sense--yet it made perfect sense. Things started clicking all over the place.

“It makes sense now! The books, you puking and passing out! You freaking out. It all makes sense. Son of a bitch!”

Gojyo got up into Hakkai’s personal space. Hakkai found himself backing up until he felt the wall behind him. He eyed the dagger on the table from over Gojyo’s shoulder.

“Look at me!” Gojyo said. He was very near to Hakkai’s face, so that he breathed his cigarette fumes in Hakkai’s air. He leaned over Hakkai, resting his forearm on the wall behind Hakkai’s head. Hakuryuu’s voice became shrill and he beat his wings in the air.

Gojyo forced Hakkai to face him. Angry red eyes bored into terrified green ones. “Sanzo?”

“Hai, Gojyo. It’s true.”

Gojyo’s fist slammed into the wall beside Hakkai’s head. The demon flinched and squeezed his eyes shut.

This isn’t happening.

“Well, now,” Gojyo growled, “This is just too much. This is just the last straw, Hakkai. I don’t know what to be more pissed about! Why didn’t you tell me about this? Why have you never said anything about this?”

It was a little like being mind fucked. Questions and issues poured forth and Gojyo had no idea which of them to address first.

“Gojyo,” Hakkai breathed, “Gojyo, don’t be mad. Gojyo?”

This time, the tears did not bring guilt. This time Gojyo had no trouble looking into them and being angry.

One side of Hakkai’s face was pink from where Sanzo had slapped him.

Gojyo eyed it. “Don’t be mad? How can you ask me to not be mad? Why did Sanzo slap you? Is it because I can’t have kids?”

Hakkai squirmed. Gojyo touched the tender spot on his cheek with his fingertips. Hakkai resembled a deer in headlights. He leaned against the wall staring off into any direction other than where Gojyo was.

There was only one reason for the priest to give a fuck about this. There was only one reason for Sanzo to get angry, and there was only one other person that Gojyo shared Hakkai with.

On impulse Gojyo decided to make the other side match. The crack was so loud it made Goku flinch.

“Gojyo! What are you doing?!” Goku cried out. “Why is everybody getting so mad at him?”

“Stay out of this, Goku!” Gojyo warned, “You too Hakuryuu.”

Hakuryuu blew out a fireball behind him. The dragon was perched at the top of a chair keening at Gojyo. The sound was only intensifying the rage building up in Gojyo. Hakkai had shocked him for the last time.

“All these years, Hakkai! All these years and you never told me about this?”

Hakkai tried to duck under his arm. Gojyo caught hold of Hakkai before he could escape. He slammed him back against the wall with both hands. Then he was the only thing holding Hakkai on his feet.

“Gojyo, I’m sorry! I know this is all very strange. There are things I just can’t tell you right now. But you have to understand, I did it for you.”

Gojyo blinked. “What?”

“I know this may sound crazy, but I did this for you,” Hakkai repeated.

“You did it for me?” He trembled and released his grip on Hakkai, who slumped against the wall. “You did it for me? That makes less sense than the rest of this!”

He ran his hands up into his hair. “I still haven’t gotten my head around how the hell you can get pregnant! Then you say you did it for me? God damn it Hakkai!”

Hakkai covered his ears with his hands. Cracks were forming in Hakkai’s reality. If Gojyo stayed mad at him, he didn’t know how he would cope with it. Gojyo was the only one who loved him.

“I love you, Gojyo.”

“Don’t say that now, you bastard. Don’t tell me you’ve been passing yourself off as a man all these years and then tell me you love me! I don’t even know what you are any more!”

“Gojyo! Please! It’s not like that!”

“Then what’s it like? Huh, what the hell else is it like?”

“Gojyo, I love you!”

Goku was beginning to cry.

“Don’t say that!” This time it was a closed fisted punch and Hakkai’s head rocked back against the wall. He crumpled to the floor. Goku shrieked.

“You shouldn’t be hitting him like that!” Goku grabbed at Gojyo’s arm. Gojyo began wrestling with Goku, and the kid really did cling like a monkey.

“Get off me, Goku!”

“No! You’ll just hit him again!”

“He’s not even a he! Don’t you see this means he’s been lying to us for years?”

“It’s not like that!” Hakkai cried. “I haven't been lying! You don’t understand!”

“You bet I don’t understand. Well, what the hell are you? Are you a man, or a woman or some kind of freak?”

“I’m a man!” …I’m a freak?

“I thought you were!” Gojyo hollered, “But I just found out your not! I just found out you are some kind of he-she. Are you a man or a woman? I don’t know who the hell you are you bastard!”

Each of Gojyo’s words echoed something Hakkai had thought about himself throughout most of his life.

“I was so afraid of this,” Hakkai was said, a false calm coming over him. He’d wanted to scream, he’d wanted to deny this was happening. Now it just was, and he had to deal with it all.

Gojyo reached down to pull Hakkai back up to his feet. A trickle of blood had started from the corner of Hakkai’s mouth, but the demon was still wearing that accursed smile. His strangely calm eyes looked blandly into Gojyo’s enraged red ones.

Blood filled Hakkai’s mouth. The world swam out of focus for a moment. He did what was probably the worst thing he could have done under the circumstance. He smiled and giggled. When Gojyo heard that sound, Hakkai could see something snap in him.

He’d never seen Gojyo lose his cool like he did now. Gojyo had never hit him like this either. Hakkai did the only thing he could think of.

“Gojyo, you still love me? Don’t you Gojyo?”

Gojyo’s face screwed up as he stared at the healer. His face contorted into rage. “Even before I knew you were a worthless lying freak of nature, I never loved you! What the hell makes you think for one second I could ever love a screwed up fuck like you? I felt bad for you, that’s all.”

Hakkai reached up and wound his fingers through Gojyo’s hair. Red hair, red eyes, the one who kept Hakkai grounded. “You love me; why else would we be together? We might even be a family.”

Gojyo thumped Hakkai against the wall. “No, we can’t!” and he thumped him again- the wall cratered behind him.. Before Gojyo could wind back for another bump, Goku had grabbed his arm.

“I said stay out of this!” The wrestling match began again. Hakkai slumped against the wall. He felt like he was in a spinning automobile and he didn’t know when it would stop.

Hakkai summoned his strength. He’d been called a freak and worse and he couldn’t take it any more. The last words Gojyo spoke to him were echoing in his mind “I never loved you, you fuck” “I don’t love you!”

You always were a romantic underneath.

Goku and Gojyo were yelling. It was like everything had slowed down and the world moved in a thick jell. Hakkai was experiencing another time distortion. He couldn’t make out the words Goku and Gojyo were hollering, but he watched their hands move in slow motion.

Then Gojyo came for him again.

Hakkai drove the heal of his palm up into Gojyo’s face. Goku actually heard the bone in his nose crack. The kappa staggered back, bringing his hand to his face. Blood poured forth and soaked the front of his shirt. Gojyo was suddenly near passing out and he started to choke on his own blood. He never even saw it coming.

Gojyo’s whole world became one of blinding pain. He was finding it hard to breathe. Blood was running down his throat and everything inside Gojyo’s head felt like it was rapidly swelling up to block his airways. He was blind for a few minutes. All he could see were dazzling sparkles of light. It was all he could do to feel around for a seat to fall into before he collapsed.

When his vision was cleared, Hakkai was gone.

Goku stood watching the kappa. Tears were dripping down Goku’s face. Of all of them, why was it Goku was the only one who could cry? Even Hakkai didn’t cry--not really. The closest Gojyo ever saw him get, was when he got that mournful look and Gojyo could see tears standing in his eyes. That was always the look that melted Gojyo’s heart.

It was that last look, the sadness and disappointment, the hurt on Hakkai’s face that would haunt the Water Sprite’s dreams. In his blindness, his mind’s eye kept looking into his face when he’d said those things.

Hakkai was made of strong stuff. Hakkai had survived countless ordeals and seen death and stared it down. Hakkai had saved Gojyo’s life whether or not Gojyo chose to acknowledge it. Hakkai had given to Gojyo everything he was--and Hakkai was silk and steel. Hakkai had always given himself even though Gojyo held back.

For the things Hakkai had been through in his life, and the things he had seen it was no wonder if he was a little flaky sometimes.

Gojyo had just crushed him with a few simple words.

“You handled that well,” Goku commented.

Gojyo tried to look at him. He found a seat by the table. “Nubbing like getting your nothe broke to make you get your thentheth.”

“What?”

“Thut up Goku, I can’t thalk wite now. Geth me a towel amb thum ithe.”

“That was pretty stupid.”

Gojyo nodded. He hadn’t lost him temper that bad in forever. Maybe he deserved a broken nose from Hakkai.

Goku handed Gojyo the things he’d asked for, which turned out to be ice and a towel.

Goku watched the kappa try to catch the stream of blood with the dishcloth. He stared at Goku over the cloth until Goku said “What?”

“You thtill here? Thtupid monkey, go get Hakkai!”

“Oh, right!”

“Take Hakuryuu with thu… bathtard dwagon…”

Hakkai was doing his own fair share of choking on his own blood. He was intent on one thing- catching up to Sanzo.

He sprinted down the road, marveling at how far Sanzo had gone in a short time. The priest had chosen a footpath that people used as a cut through. He was getting that unreality feeling again. He couldn’t tell how long it had been that he had been running. He was aware his stamina was not quite what it usually was.

He was out of breath when he caught up with the priest. Sanzo was marching at a brisk pace and had cleared a lot of space in the short time before Hakkai came.

He heard Hakkai pounding down the path long before the Taijiya pulled up beside him. He had his gun ready.

“Sanzo!” Hakkai was calling. “Wait for me, Sanzo!”

Sanzo counted the footfalls, one, two, three… He swung the gun out and back hard, catching Hakkai with the handle while the demon was still running.

Hakkai took the brunt of the blow in his throat, and boomeranged back to land on the small of his back. The air was knocked form his lungs. He grabbed at his throat and he had to devote everything had had just to keep breathing.

Sanzo stood over the demon as he sucked in harsh lungs full of cold air. He looked a little like a fish out of water. He flopped and rolled around in the snow while Sanzo stood over him.

Sanzo smiled down at Hakkai. “Sucks, don’t it?”

Hakkai’s eyes traveled up to Sanzo. “Sanzo,” he gasped, “don’t leave me! It’s your-“

Before he could finish the statement the full weight of Sanzo’s body crashed onto Hakkai. He dropped down to sit on him, pinning him to the ground. Sanzo pushed the pistol up into Hakkai’s throat, forcing his head back into the mud. He was aware Hakkai couldn’t breath. Hakkai gasped and clutched at him.

You can kill me, Sanzo.

“Don’t say it! I see the kappa gave you a beating too. Too bad he didn’t hit you in the stomach, you wretch. Don’t even say it! If I hear you say it, I’ll kill you now!”

“Would you kill me, Sanzo?” Hakkai gasped it out.

“I should kill you, but you’re not worth the bullets. I hate you Hakkai. You just better be glad that we’ve been through so much together, you disgusting pile of shit. It’s the only reason I’m going to give you the chance to save your miserable life.”

He gripped Hakkai’s hair in one hand and held his head back. Hakkai whined and squeezed his eyes shut. Sanzo ran the gun up to his temple. Hakkai heard the sickening sound of the hammer being pulled back. Death cast its gaze on him.

“What do you want, Hakkai?” Sanzo seethed into his face.

Hakkai choked, his breath hitching constantly. “I-” he gasped, “- want you, Sanzo!”

“You can’t have me. Pathetic. I’m giving you a choice, you abomination. Either I’m taking you back to Chang’an so we can fix this little problem, or you can run and get a head start. I’ll even count to ten for you. Or I can kill you now and end your miserable existence if you prefer. If you run, don’t ever let me see you again or I’ll kill you where I see you. Your choice. I’m going to count to ten.”

Sanzo stood up, leaving Hakkai to cough and curl on the ground.

“One.” Sanzo took aim.

“You’re serious?” Hakkai cried. He could feel his sanity snapping.

“Two- better get moving.”

“Sanzo, Please!”

“Three” the shot rang out and the dirt near Hakkai exploded. Hakkai scrambled to his feet.

“Next one won’t miss, Four!”

Hakkai began to run back the way he’d come. Bullets slammed into the trees he passed. He didn’t remember reaching for the dagger, but he had it with him. He discovered its presence as he ran, but couldn’t think about it and keep his pace without falling on his face. It took him some time before he realized Sanzo was not pursuing him. He ran until he reached the river.

Catching his breath he dropped beneath a tree.

“How could I ever love a freak like you?”

The words kept echoing through his head. Words like freak, abomination, heretic, disgusting…All repeated themselves in his head.

It was all because of this, this thing in his belly. This thing he had done and hidden from everybody. This thing was the reason they were rejecting him, calling him horrible things. He’d lost the respect of the only people he cared about.

“I never loved you,”

“…abomination…”

Sanzo had called him that?

Hakkai rolled onto his back and stared up into the bare and lifeless tree branches. He saw Hakuryuu up there, looking down on him.

“Do you love me, Hakuryuu? Do you think I’m a freak?”

The dragon kyuu’ed at him. No, not Hakuryuu. Hakuryuu was the only soul out there that had accepted everything Hakkai ever was.

“Thank you, where would I be without you? You couldn’t save me from myself this time, though, could you?”

Hakkai squeezed the knife hilt in his hands. He held it up before his eyes.

He could end this now.

Hakkai spit blood into the dirt.

Gojyo had hit him pretty hard. The inside of his mouth was raw and swollen. His throat felt like it had a massive tumor in it. He was still barely able to suck breath into himself. He was lucky his trachea hadn’t collapsed.

Hakkai sat up against the tree. He aimed the knife at his belly, holding it in both hands, intent on seppuku and he prayed.

The blade was shaking in his hands, and he felt a pulse from it. It began to thrum in his hands--a sensation not unlike sound, but he felt it in his fingers. He could see the gold and green swirls of their combined auras flowing from his hands up and over the finely crafted hilt.

“You, dagger, are a friend? Will you give me what I want if I were to die now?”

Hakuryuu started to go nuts up in the tree. He darted chaotically from branch to branch and blew fireballs at nothing.

“Don’t worry about me, little one. Go to Gojyo, he’ll take care of you!”

Hakkai stared at the knife. He pulled his shirt up to expose the scarred flesh of his belly. He traced the aura there with the tip of the blade. Yes, it was right there.

“Gonou, the monster's child grows inside me. It's too late.”

Hakkai gasped. Kanan had come into his head so suddenly, and her voice was so clear. He saw her with his dagger in her hands. She had held it to herself much like he was holding this one now.

She had taken it from his belt.

“Kanan, forgive me. I might be seeing you soon. I think I might know a little bit better how you felt.”

“Gonou, I don’t want you to die.”

“Kanan, I could still have saved you. We still could have made it, if you’d only given me the chance.”

“Don’t do what I did, my love. Live for us both.”

He trembled, squeezing the hilt. He turned it to his wrist and let the blade drink from his flesh. His adrenaline revived him somewhat, but he’d already used up most of it.

“Kanan, you called the child a monster. It would have been a half-breed, like my darling Gojyo. Do you think me a monster now?”

“Gonou, I love you!”

“I’m coming to you, Kanan; just hold on a little longer.”

He felt her then. He could feel his sister’s presence settle into his body. There was juxtaposition. He was Hakkai, holding a knife and he was Kanan holding a knife. He was in a cold cell, sore from being used, kept alive for the enjoyment of others. He was sitting in the snow under a tree. It was cold and the sun was blinding him in a dark cell.

It was cold.

So cold.

He was angry that nobody had come sooner to stop it. He was angry at himself. He was too late. She was too late and the child was a monster. The child would destroy his life. Kanan would die.

Gonou would be no more.

Youkai were monsters, half-breeds were heretical. A child from siblings was taboo. Sex with the same sex was a sin. Was anything about Hakkai acceptable? Why was it that everything that felt right was so damn wrong?

Would Kanan have drowned in a pair of sunset eyes?

“Do you still love me, Kanan?” Hakkai held the blade up to his throat. It didn’t matter where he cut, the end would be the same. It was a question of how much pain.

Something moved inside him.

“I love you, Gonou.”

But do you love me as the demon Hakkai? Can you love me after all I’ve done and after I continue to fail every one around me?

“I love you, no matter what. Gonou, I made a mistake. I should have stayed with you.”

It was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. Hakkai’s eyes went wide. His free hand went to his belly. Then it was there again. The aura had changed a little, darkened a bit. He could feel it reacting. It was affected by Hakkai’s experiences, his exertion, his impending suicide.

I’m quickening.

He could feel it move, it hadn’t done that before. HE hadn’t done that before.

Hakkai was unprepared for the feeling of a living being inside his body. Hakkai touched it with his mind, and it echoed his own words earlier, “Don’t you love me?”

Hakkai stared at the blade in horror. He dropped the knife and pushed it away with his foot. He hugged his arms around himself and started to cry. Then he started to scream.

“I’m sorry!”

I can’t kill myself without killing you.

Once the sobbing passed, and Hakkai began to gather his shattered wits about him he realized he wasn’t alone. He opened his eyes to stare at Goku’s boots. He followed them up until his eyes came to a frowning face.

“Goku?”

“I wasn’t going to let you kill yourself. I was going to stop you before you did-- but I’m glad I didn’t have to.”

Goku kneeled in front of Hakkai, “You are all pretty stupid. And you all call me stupid monkey.”

“Goku,” Hakkai sobbed, “I was, I was about to…”

“Yeah, well you didn’t.” Goku grabbed Hakkai’s wrists and pulled them away from him. He surprised Hakkai by very deliberately pushing his knees apart to sit between his legs. He hooked his legs up over Hakkai’s thighs and he put one hand against Hakkai’s belly. “That would have been the stupidest.”

Hakkai wound his arms around the boy in his lap. He realized then that maybe it was Goku who was the wisest among them after all.

Goku hugged Hakkai. “I’m sorry Hakkai.”

“For what?” Hakkai said into his shoulder.

“For making you tell them. Because I let Sanzo find out. You were right, they were mad. Everything you said would happen, happened.”

Hakkai began to giggle, a sound he sometimes made when he was emotionally exhausted. “No, you were right. The longer it went on, the worse it was going to get. I think Sanzo was serious though. Sanzo said he’d kill me next time he saw me.”

Goku shrugged, “He’ll get over it.”

“You take it so lightly, Goku!”

Goku pushed Hakkai back so that he could look into his face. Hakkai realized then that there were dried tears streaking his face. “No, I don’t. I just watched Gojyo and Sanzo beat you up. And then I watched you want to kill yourself. If you think I don’t take that seriously then you really are more stupid than I am.”

“You’re not stupid Goku. So far, maybe you’ve been more right than all of us.”

Hakkai held Goku for a while, sucking the warmth from the smaller demon, savoring the body heat. He pushed his face against Goku’s. Goku was warm and his hair was soft. Hakkai could feel the hard metal of the coronet against the side of his face.

Hakuryuu had calmed down and watched from the safety of the tree above.

“You broke Gojyo’s nose.”

Hakkai blinked, “I did?”

“Yeah, you took him out with one shot. It was kind of cool.”

Hakkai blinked at him, taking pleasure in dealing one back even if he felt guilty about it too. “Anything you say, Goku. Could you come back home with me? I don’t want walk alone.”
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Hakkai's Secret