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As the Smoke Clears #4 in Rivalry Series	By : kurahieiritrJIO Category: +G to L > Initial D Views: 2672 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Initial D, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-As the Smoke Clears
- 2-Smoke 2
- 3-Smoke 3
- 4-Smoke 4
- 5-Smoke 5
- 6-Smoke 6
- 7-Smoke 7
- 8-Smoke 8
- 9-Smoke 9
- 10-Smoke 10
- 11-Smoke 11
- 12-Smoke 12
- 13-Smoke 13
- 14-Smoke 14
- 15-Some 15
- 16-Smoke 16
- 17-Chapter 17
- 18-Smoke 18
- 19-Smoke 19
- 20-Smoke 20
- 21-Smoke 21
- 22-Smoke 22
- 23-Smoke 23
- 24-Smoke 24
- 25-Smoke 25
- 26-Smoke 26
- 27-Smoke 27
- 28-Smoke 28
- 29-Smoke 29
- 30-Smoke 30
- 31-Smoke 31
- 32-Smoke 32
- 33-Smoke 33
- 34-Smoke 34
- 35-Smoke 35
- 36-Smoke 36
- 37-Smoke 37
- 38-Smoke 38
- 39-Smoke 39
- 40-Smoke 40
- 9
- 10
- 11
CHAPTER 10

*Discussions of traumatic moments as prisoners/ Implied Rape and more*

His footsteps mimicked the dull thudding of his heart as Itsuke followed Tak's wheelchair down the hospital corridors to his private room after his disastrous meeting with Sadami. Sadami's accusations had ruined his plans to hide the truth. Keisuke's wealth insured top notch personalized care that Tak desperately needed. That alone was enough reason to keep his mouth shut Itsuke reminded himself as he trudged several steps behind his best friend. The only things that could ruin Tak's future happiness were the extremely possessive blond finding out about him, or criminal charges getting filed because Keisuke-san had broken the law rescuing them.

Stopping in front of Tak's door, Itsuke felt his knees wobble. Desperation to tell Tak everything was an acute pressure welling inside that actually frightened him. A stern reminder that he had to say goodbye shut his eyes momentarily. Itsuke started shaking as he vowed to protect Tak for once. Nobody would ever use him as a weapon against the person he loved and admired the most ever again.

"Itsuke, get in here. It's time you told me the truth." The sound of Tak's rough edged voice sliced through his heart as Itsuke slipped into the room. Seeing Tak's upset was killing Itsuke on several levels. Knowing Tak was confused by Sadami made his own plans easier to execute because he could use the other man's inconceivable interest as an excuse if all else failed. Needing Tak so much would only make them both miserable if he caved to his desire to seek a deeper connection.

Far too pale, thin, and obviously ill, Tak had that determined look Itsuke recognized with ease. Itsuke knew he was responsible for the odd glint he saw flickering in Tak's stormy gray, and emerald flecked eyes. He fought down the ache that surged through him. Grief for everything that could never be increased as Itsuke watched the orderly beat a hasty retreat with the wheelchair after flashing him a sympathetic look.

"I told Keisuke san repeatedly that I didn't want to tire you out. Didn't he tell you that I said we can hang out after you get back on your feet? I'd have gotten in the way since Hikaru needs time to get to know you better, Tak."

"Like hell you would have been in the way, Itsuke. Hikaru's told me about how much he's learned about playing with cars from you. I could have learned about how to get along with Hikaru from watching you with him."

"Gomen, I didn't think of that. But, you've been really sick, Tak. Wearing you out isn't something I want to risk."

"You've avoided me ever since I came out of the coma. Something's gone very wrong between us. Have you decided that you can't forgive me over the test Kahori ordered us to do together? Did I hurt you the way I'm afraid I did?" Tak brought things to the other topic Itsuke most wanted to avoid.

Itsuke clenched his mutilated hand. The thought occurred to Itsuke that he could use it as an acceptable excuse for his prolonged absence. His inability to trust himself might be the real root of his absenteeism, but admitting that would cause trouble.

"I'm not holding anything against you, Tak, and never did. Seeing my hand every day, you'd convince yourself that it was your fault. I know you were high enough when it happened that you probably don't remember much about how I got mangled and I want it to stay that way. Get pissed at me if you want, but I know how you get."

"I remember you losing your pinky, Itsuke. Keisuke mentioned that you've lost your ring finger too. I take it infection got the other one?" Tak was searching his face.

"You had nothing to do with my losing another finger. Don't you dare blame yourself for my own stupidity, Tak!" Itsuke snapped.

"There's still plenty for us to sort out, Itsuke. I know things happened in the compound that you have every right to hate me over. That man, Sadami, seems to know a lot about things too. Who is he?"

"You're wrong! There isn't anything to sort out, Tak. There's nothing for me to hate or forgive you over. Sadami knows me since he was also in the compound. He's mad because he hated seeing Doi whacking me to force you into giving men blow jobs. I've been worried about you so it was better if I didn't bother you until you got well. That's the only thing I've been doing by not coming here." Itsuke forced out the half lie.

"Naze must you always get so extreme when you're freaked out? The mistake is in avoiding me all together this time, Itsuke. I've been thinking that you hated me ever since my memory started to return. Now this guy shows up with a damned nauseating conversation line that scared the hell out me, Itsuke. Nani happened to you in that hell hole!"

"Gomen na, Tak. That wasn't how I meant anything. I just wanted you to get well, and get to know that great little shonen you'll be raising with Keisuke-san. Hikaru's a real sweat heart."

"Quit stalling, Itsuke! That Sadami guy was right about how often you got hurt because of me. Seems he knows a lot about our situation. Tell me who he is, Itsuke!"

Thoughts exploded from his mouth without filtering the information. "Kahori and Tung Tzu forced you to obey sick orders because you wouldn't stop protecting me. I'm the one that should be apologizing for getting used against you that way, and not being able to stop those freaks. Chiasa was the only one with enough clout to get you off the drugs before they killed you. Her, Sadami, and Okiku were my only hope to keep you alive!"

Tak shook his head vehemently. "Because of me, your fingers are missing, Itsuke. I told that sick bitch exactly who to kidnap to control me in that damned Project D apology letter. For that I do owe you a huge gomen nasai gozaimasu I can never repay. As to the other, how were they supposed to help you save me. Itsuke? Nani did they make you do?"

Both in expression and tone, Tak reminded Itsuke of his apology right before kissing him. With a sinking heart, Itsuke tried again. "You didn't know a psychopath was after Keisuke-san to turn into one of her studs. She got obsessed with breaking you because you kept kicking her guards' asses! I didn't have the guts to stand up to those bastards when you needed my help the most, after all the times you've saved me. I froze instead of fighting beside you. I couldn't seem to get my mind to even work enough to react. Before I knew it, the guard chained me to that torture table again."

Tak frowned and sighed with genuine vexation. "Okay, . . . I remember you screaming at that sick bitch to leave me alone. Talk about scaring the shit out of me when you argued with Kahori like that! She was capable of ordering your brutal murder and watching with a smile on her face. And yet even knowing that, you screamed that you'd rather be chopped into little pieces because I had to refuse to do her sex test. You flipped completely out, Itsuke!"

"I froze when Kahori sicced her goons on you later! I couldn't find the chops to help you. If that isn't freezing up, I don't know nani is!"

Afraid to give away any details that could potentially backfire on him, Itsuke omitted their petting and foreplay. So far Tak was allowing him to deflect to subject of Sadami and his own naivety, although Itsuke knew his reprieve could not last. The discomfort in Tak's expression made Itsuke wonder about his thoughts.

It was not like Tak to look away. "You could never have protected me. You were a mess after losing your finger, and everything I did to you. You've never been a violent person either. You can't stand the thought of hitting someone. I know that the main reason I'm still alive is because of everything that you did in the cell. You did more than anyone to save my life. You somehow kept me breathing, Itsuke." Tak's tone was sounding odd again.

Images rose. Tak was not breathing at all. Following Tung Tzu's instructions as best he could, Itsuke moved Tak's head into the right position and sealed his mouth over his best friend's. If the situation wasn't so grim, he knew he would have enjoyed feeling Tak's lips against his own. He heaved several breaths into Tak's mouth and down his throat in quick succession while praying he would begin breathing on his own. Denial rose and the unsettling feelings were shoved down deeper within. Tak was running out of time and Itsuke knew that his own life would end with Tak's. It was somehow fitting to Itsuke that they would die within a day of each other.

Vision wavering, Itsuke hung his head. Pressure pushing up from his core made his emotions threaten an overflow. Leaving very soon was the only way to keep from breaking down completely and destroying everything Tak had with Keisuke san. There was nothing he could do to make Tak understand his danger. Shaking hard, Itsuke was vaguely aware of sinking onto his knees near Tak's bed. Strong, familiar fingers dug into his shoulders. Tak's heady scent filled his nose. If anything, the drugs had intensified the rich allspice, and hazelnut reminiscent undertones in Tak's natural honeyed musk scent. He felt cool pressure of Tak's hand touching his back.

"Talk to me, Itsuke. Who is Sadami to you? Naze is that black-haired man acting as if he's your jealous boyfriend?" Tak sounded determined as his hesitant voice jarred Itsuke's senses at close quarters. He kept his eyes sealed tight so he would not see Tak's pain. Itsuke shook his head.

"Naze the hell would Sadami be my boyfriend? He's just another one of the people Kahori brainwashed in that place who wanted to help when he heard that once Noda showed up I was going to be killed by Taihei. You were going to get trained by that white haired sadist so I wasn't necessary any longer."

"Nani? There was a kill order on you?" Tak's hesitant voice was close to his ear again.

"Look, I never realized I such a jerk until we were trapped in that cell, Tak. I've been such a baka, and didn't think about how any of it affected you or others. It's too late to change all the rotten things I've done over the years. Seeing you fighting so hard to be faithful to Keisuke-san, and the way they used me to force you to give blow jobs and stuff made me realize just how lousy a friend I've always been. When Kahori drugged you and you stopped breathing, I thought you were going to die. When Kahori ordered her goons to attack you, . . . I saw you get violently raped. I saw everything they forced on you, Tak. At least Tung Tzu told me how to breathe for you whenever you stopped right after they dumped you in the cell. Somehow, I got that right. But it wasn't anywhere close to repaying all the ways you've saved me from my own stupidity all these years. Nothing I tried will ever be anywhere close to enough to make up for everything I've put you through."

"But, you couldn't have stopped them doing the things they did to me in the cell, or in Kahori's video room. Stopping a gang rape right after losing a finger and getting your skin burned to a crisp was impossible. Even I couldn't have overcome all of those odds in a blind rage in top physical shape."

Wounded eyes so pale that they were almost white with black and green flakes peered into his own as Itsuke's eyes opened. New shades that Itsuke had never before seen in the amber-haired man's ever changing eye colors. He was startled to realize Tak's full lips were very close to his. Ghostly flashes of memory in how those lips felt slid along his spine triggering twinges in his shattered hand. Jerking back, Itsuke slammed the door on the forming thought of kissing Tak before he could act on the sudden impulse.

"Kami-sama, do you remember everything that happened? Do you understand everything those bastards did?"

He saw Tak nod slowly. "For the most part, Itsuke. Some parts are still hazy, but I remember enough. My body was partially numb when the gang rape was happening. I blacked out right after Kahori's one slave started prying my legs apart. It's easy enough to guess the rest from the surgery I had when I got here. That's enough to be glad I slipped into a coma when I did."

Throat tightening to the point it was almost impossible to speak, a sliver of sound leaked past the constriction. "I was hoping you would never remember all the vile things they did to you in there. Nobody should have those memories."

"I'm still foggy about specifics, but I do remember enough stuff that happened, . . . including the beatings you took, Itsuke. I'm not sure being drugged is an acceptable excuse for the things I did in that cell. I know kissing you and the blow-job I gave you grossed you out. You have enough reasons to avoid me. I couldn't find any way out, Itsuke. Gomen nasai for failing you so badly, and letting you get hurt so often."

"You never grossed me out, or cheated on Keisuke-san either. It was always my fault for being such a wimp that forced you to cave like you did."

"I let you take beatings you didn't deserve because I couldn't make myself give blow jobs to whomever that bastard brought in without a fight. That Sadami guy upstairs is right about how often I failed you. It was so disgusting to have a total stranger shoving his dick in my face. Outside of Keisuke, I'm not really interested in the whole idea of being with men. Guess I can only cross the line if I love someone like I do Keisuke. The whole idea of touching another man was really revolting. Even when Tung Tzu ordered his studs to bang me to force an ejaculation, I got really sick afterward."

"Yeah, I remember. Don't say anything that could ruin things with Keisuke san. He's scary jealous when it comes to you. The things that happened in there could cause serious problems between you too. Even if he said he doesn't hate me or you over anything that happened in there, I'm pretty sure he'd get mad as hell if he knew everything. Don't let that place destroy all you've got with him. Promise me?"

"Itsuke, Keisuke already knows more than me about the things that happened in there. The surgery made it way too obvious. There are also videos that have us on them. He got copies of the written transcripts from the reviewed material. He's seen me when the drug leaches into my blood stream, and knows how crazy it makes me. Keisuke told me that anything that happened in the compound doesn't count because I didn't have any choices in there."

"So he won't hold it against you that I think I've figured out how you've felt about me for a while because of Kahori's screwy test?"

Anguish exploded in Tak's eyes and across his facial features. Undoubtedly, Tak had not wanted him to realize the truth. His own heartache intensified over Tak's stricken expression.

"I've been hurting you all along, and was so blind that I never even noticed. Guess I ignored that there could be a reason for your need to keep saving me from myself. You let me take you for granted even though I didn't deserve any of it, . . . especially how much you've always cared. You have to stop doing it, Tak!"

"Don't ask that of me! Turning my back on you isn't going to happen. That would kill me. I didn't understand how much I love both of you, . . . until recently. Between you and Keisuke, . . . it's like my whole world comes down to both of you being in it, Itsuke. To lose either one of you destroys half of my reason for living."

Sobs forced their way upward. Unable to stop his agony from breaking loose, Itsuke's body shook harder as tears flowed down his face. Itsuke whispered, "Gomen na for hurting you, Tak. Gomen na. . . . Gomen . . ."

Itsuke crumpled into a heap next to Tak's knees. Would he ever stop hurting the one person who had loved him for so long without a word? The person he loved so much that he wanted his happiness enough to gladly destroy himself to make it happen. Warmth covered his upper back as Tak leaned over and hugged him.

Tak's voice, as softly spoken as his own whispered apologies, was full of grief. "Itsuke, the only thing you ever did that truly hurt was ignoring me right after you found out about Keisuke. We got past that. I swear, I won't make you uncomfortable ever again. Touching you in any way you don't want will never happen. Give me a chance to prove that I can still be trusted. I'll go back to being your shield whenever you need me, . . .the same as I've always been. Let me continue being there for you, . . . kudasai?"

"Keisuke-san has given you everything you ever dreamed of when we were growing up, and more. We can't go back to the way things were, because I can't keep this sham going. My cowardice keeps us living a nonstop lie! Our friendship was always complicated. That wasn't something I wanted to accept. Ignoring my feelings so I could fit minasan's ideas has been a problem for years, Tak. But I can't do it anymore! Seeing you hurting again isn't something that I can let happen!"

"Itsuke, . . . don't say anything else, onegai. I don't want to lose you because I couldn't find a way out for you at the compound. Can't you give it some time, then try to turn things around? Don't decide it's too late to fix this mess!" Tak pleaded with him.

His panicky tone reaffirmed everything Itsuke had discovered because of Kahori's insanity. Agreeing would only cause more trouble. Vanishing was the only option he had left to protect Tak's future happiness. Itsuke forced his head up while tears blurred his vision. He swiped the moisture away so he could see.

"Think, baka! Keisuke san totally loves you. If he finds out the truth, you'll lose him, Tak. I know you love him way more, and differently than me. Losing Keisuke san would destroy you. I won't let that happen!"

Itsuke's eyes locked with Tak's. Raw emotions flashed in the charged look. "Keisuke already knows about Kahori's tests, and how she said you had to be part of it. He doesn't blame, or hate either one of us, Itsuke. Don't leave like this, onegai. Losing you isn't possible for me. It would literally destroy half of who I am if you leave."

"Keisuke won't shrug this off. He'll want to kill me sooner or later, and I don't blame him. You know I suck at keeping secrets. I have to stay away from you or Keisuke san might find out that to you I'm not your adopted onīsan now. I won't get in the way of everything you have with him, Tak! You finally have someone that makes you happy!"

"Stop going to extremes, Itsuke. Everything will work out if you'll just work with me. We can fix this if we try!" Tak started to gnaw his lower lip.

"Tak, I'm trying to protect you for once. I learned just how much of a liar and coward I've been all these years. Keisuke san's honest, and the one you need. I'm not going to keep being a burden to you. Your enemies know that I'm easily used against you, and I know naze now! I won't let you keep getting hurt because of me!"

"It probably sounds insane to you, but I really mean it when I say I can't lose either one of you. Although you don't get it, you and Keisuke are literally my whole world. I love both of you for different reasons, but that doesn't make either one of you less important to me. Without you, I will lose half of my world. Don't you dare walk out of my life!"

"Tak, staying away from you is to prevent something from happening that we'll both regret. We can't hang out like we used to without jeopardizing everything you have with Keisuke san. Too much changed in that cell! I can't keep ignoring and hiding, . . . how I've always felt about you on some level. Lying to myself and pretending things are normal won't work any longer. That place destroyed every trick I used to hide from myself. Turning back or going back into denial is impossible for me now."

Tak swept his lengthier bangs back, glaring through bruised eyes as Itsuke continued to drive his thoughts home without letting him speak. "Let me finish, Tak! The compound woke me up to everything I've refused to face about myself. Because of Sadami, Okiku, and Chiasa, Kahori's test, and everything else, . . . I got the truth rammed down my throat. Kazumi chan was nothing but a substitute for you, Tak. Do you get it now? All these years I lied to you and myself so often that I convinced myself I was straight. I never was or ever will be. You were the only person I ever really saw, but minasan said it was wrong. So I shut everything away and locked it down so deep I could ignore it existed. Watching you fighting so hard and then dying in front of me brought it all back. I got desperate enough to do anything to save your life. Even though you said Keisuke san would come for us, I knew Kahori planned to reel him into a trap. There wasn't enough time left for you because you were getting dosed twice a day. You were having too much difficulty breathing." Itsuke swallowed hard as he fought the urge to bolt.

Tak's expression shifted toward stunned. Desperation and pain flitted across his features. Itsuke feared his best friend would collapse. Still, he felt he had to make Tak accept that things had to change.

"Look, I've never wanted to cause you trouble, but honestly, . . . that's all I've ever done, Tak. The thing I want most is your happiness. All I've ever given you is grief and headaches because you keep saving me from myself. The first time I ever saw you finding any real peace and happiness was with Keisuke san. Let me have time to really get to know myself. Stop trying to fix me, Tak."

"Itsuke, if you want space to sort out your feelings, that's fine. All I'm asking is that you don't cut me out of your life permanently. I'll do whatever I can so you can feel comfortable. We'll find a way through this."

His eyes dropped to his mangled hand. "I've always loved you, and I guess I always will. When you started seeing Mogi, I knew I needed to let these feelings go, and thought I did. Then, . . . you started dating Keisuke san. To hide how I really felt, . . . especially from myself, I said and did incredibly stupid things. I hated Keisuke san so much for taking you away from me. But, . . . I hate myself even more for being too big a coward to face you . . . or myself."

"Itsuke? . . . If I'd known, . . ."

"Stop it, Tak! Keisuke san loves you far better than I ever will. He's good for you, and I, . . . I'm not. Seeing you learning how to be happy because of him ended my hatred. Now, there's Hikaru who needs you to help him get past everything that happened to him. Kahori decided he was her heir and was training him to be a slaver some day. You're the only one that can help him keep from turning into a monster as he grows up. You lived a hellish life when we were little. Watching you turn your life around, I know you can do the same for him. Just be careful because Sadami told me she won't give Hikaru up that easily. For whatever reason she left him behind, it won't last, Tak. Kahori will come back for Hikaru."

"Hikaru has nothing to do with you running from everything that happened between us, Itsuke! I'll make you face me because I don't have any other choice. I can't lose you, damn it! We'll find a way past the shit that happened in that fucking place! We've got too many years together for you to do something like this without trying to fix it first." The hand gripping his shoulder shook badly. Tak's anguished tone, and expression matched.

"Give me time, Tak! If I'm around, things will only get more complicated before I get my act together. Let me figure out how to let everything go, . . . I know Keisuke san'll take great care of you while I'm sorting myself out. He's strong enough to watch your back, and protect both you and Hikaru. Focus on your new family. That Gaijin senumon-i that's working with minasan from the compounds prescribed a medication that's really helping me get through this mess. After I get myself together, I'll be able to see you without causing trouble. Right now, . . . I can't do anything but ruin your life."

"Medication? Itsuke, nani else are you hiding?"

"It's just something that helps me to stay calm enough to think before I act, Tak. Anyway, let me deal with myself without trying to save me. I really want to learn how to do things for myself. When it mattered most, I failed you miserably because I don't know how to do anything to save myself, . . . or others. That cell taught me how far I need to go to catch up. I have to do this, or I can't face you, . . . and Keisuke san. Shield Hikaru from all the rotten things in this world because he's way too little to protect himself. I trust Keisuke san to make sure you're the happiest you've ever been if you'll just let him give you that again. He's giving you the family you always wanted when we were growing up. He loves you more than you can possibly know, Tak. That's way more important to me than it seems to be to you." Itsuke allowed accusation to trickle into his tone as he tried to push Tak away. Even though it hurt, Itsuke meant it when he said he trusted Keisuke's love.

"Nani did Sadami do to you, Itsuke? The way he said you have an addictive ass pissed me off. Did he rape you?"

"Nobody did anything but beat me with canes in the cell, Tak."

"Quit stalling. How do you know that man? Naze did he make those kinds of comments, Itsuke? Tell me the damned truth!"

"Doi was sick of having to beat on me the way Tung Tzu ordered him to, . . . so you'd give blow jobs without biting. Doi asked Chiasa to interfere on my behalf. She was high enough in the slave hierarchy that she was able to get me out of the cell and treat my cuts and bruises, even though she couldn't get me removed from your torture sessions. Her, Sadami and Okiku, the three people who ranked up there with Tung Tzu in the compound hierarchy decided to save me from Taihei, Kahori's personal sadistic guard. They came up with a plan to keep us both from dying."

"Nani plan, Itsuke?" Tak looked suspicious.

"It's complicated. Chiasa knew the drug was screwing up your lungs. She figured that since you protected me so often, I could help you stay calm enough to cope with everything if I knew how to handle you better. In the compounds, only people that were consistent money makers, or became invaluable to future money making schemes stayed alive, Tak. Chiasa knew Noda was coming to the compound to deal with you. Because she knew I was a nice guy instead of an asshole junkie, she came up with a way to keep me alive after Noda took over your training. That's how I met Sadami. He was helping Chiasa find ways to keep me alive. I don't really get his reasons for still talking to me outside of the compound though."

"Did you sleep with him because you thought it would save you, Itsuke?" Something in Tak's expression constricted Itsuke's heart. He could sense the fury and hurt that Tak was trying to hide.

Scratching his head, Itsuke tried to find a way to explain things without hurting Tak's feelings. "Things didn't happen the way you're thinking, Tak. Chiasa was the compound's sexual skills trainer. I was really beat up so Chiasa gave me something that helped with the pain. Anyway, the next thing I knew Okiku and Sadami were talking with her about ways to keep you and me alive. Once you went through the major withdrawals, you'd go into the insatiable stage as they called it."

"Itsuke, you aren't answering me. Naze did you sleep with that guy?"

"I'm getting to that, Tak. Because I felt like I was floating, you could say that I forgot to be flipped out about the ideas they were tossing around to get you through the withdrawals and all the rest. Curiosity about you and Keisuke san got to me more than normal. Even though Sadami was just trying to help Chiasa, I somehow made him feel responsible for me."

"Shit, Itsuke! That guy must have gotten attached to you! Otherwise, naze would he be acting like I'm taking you from him?" Tak looked furious.

"If you think Sadami's in love with me, you're insane. Chiasa told me a lot about how body language affects people. She told me that I'm naturally submissive whether I want to be or not. To a very gay seme like Sadami, I give off unconscious signals that he picks up on way too fast. He blew my mind and then some when he showed me the truth, Tak. That's the reason I guess I lose it whenever he's around. Mitani told me Sadami's a lot like Keisuke san in how he uses sweet spots and stuff to make things better for his partners. Look, . . . in a weird way I'm actually grateful to him for forcing me to face myself. The downside is that he's brutally honest, and decided that he's responsible for me now, Tak."

With a snort, Tak continued to glare at him. "And here I thought I was the first one to kiss you, or give you a blow-job. Was it the shock from losing your pinky that had you acting like such a convincing damned virgin, Itsuke?"

"Eh? Uhm, well, actually, Sadami never kissed me or gave me head, Tak. Kissing's completely off limits in prostitution. As for the other, well, uhm, him and Okiku both found some things about me a little intimidating, . . uh, width wise, . . ." Heat flashing through him, Itsuke's voice trickled away as he looked everywhere except at Tak.

"You got too thick for them to suck you off, you mean?" Amusement laced Tak's voice as he spoke bluntly.

"Something like that." Itsuke agreed uneasily. "Anyway, Sadami chose to cooperate with Kahori when he was sold by his ryōshin to pay off their outstanding drug debt through Kahori. Chiasa taught him about erogenous zones and the rest. He focused on building a solid frequent repeat client base business by using that particular knowledge very effectively. Once his contract was up, Sadami stayed on because he had nowhere else to go. I doubt he even knows how to do anything else to survive. He tried to help others survive the place when they got sold by their ryōshin. Because of their choosing to stay, Kahori gave him, Okiku, and Chiasa tons of freedom compared to minasan else, Tak. To them, we weren't any different. Well, not really, except Sadami got mad as hell because I'm a nice guy in his opinion that shouldn't have gotten punished over your fighting back."

"Naze didn't you tell me about this when it was happening, Itsuke?"

"You were in really bad shape from the dope, Tak. Knowing you, had I told you anything you would have gone ballistic. Saying anything before I knew whether Chiasa could convince Kahori to let her work with you, instead of Tung Tzu or Noda was a bad idea. Until I knew Chiasa had permission from Kahori, trying to convince you would have been a big waste of time. Getting into a fight with you wasn't smart. You would have tipped Tung Tzu off, and Chiasa would have gotten into trouble."

"Nani was this plan exactly, Itsuke?" Tak's tone held a cutting edge.

"Chiasa figured that getting you off that deadly drug, and keeping me from getting beaten would calm you down. Part of their plan was going to focus on helping you learn the rules of surviving that place, Tak. Also, Chiasa was determined to find ways around you getting forced into being an uke. Her ability to help others find their strengths came from recognizing personality types, and teaching them how to use their strengths. Then she got them placed in the right prostitution houses for them to perform well."

"Naze do I have the feeling their idea involved you becoming my training partner, Itsuke?"

"Uhm, Chiasa knew you would have leeches once the drug was removed from your water and food. She warned me about how crazy it would make you. Since we were sharing a cell, it was obvious that I had to see your withdrawals. She and Sadami were teaching me how to handle you while she got you cleaned up, Tak. Chiasa wanted the aphrodisiac out of your system. They figured that so long as I was in the picture, but not getting hurt, you would be reasonable. Instead of forcing you into being a mindless sex doll, Chiasa planned on sitting you down and laying everything out so you understood your situation. Kahori was determined that you had to be Keisuke san's uke in her porn movies she was planning. She couldn't get her claws into Keisuke san so she was going to use a couple of her studs as substitutes. Minasan figured that if you had only a couple of people you worked with, you could work through your extremely violent opposition. Otherwise, the day after Noda's arrival, I got handed over to Taihei to kill any way he wanted."

"So you knew you'd be trapped in a cell with me while I was going insane and capable of really hurting you. Was learning how to handle me their excuse for you sleeping with Sadami, Itsuke?" Tak sounded genuinely irritated.

"Kahori's obsession with making those movies wasn't going to change, Tak. Finding a way to make it easier on you to swallow that fact meant getting you clean. Every afternoon while you were out cold after Tung Tzu finally left, I spent a couple hours in Chiasa's training room getting patched up, and then learning everything I could to help you get through the withdrawal phase, and the rest, unharmed. You haven't started the second stage yet, but I know that's not far off. There wasn't any choice but to work with them to save you, Tak. It hit me hard just how much you've always done for me in there. That's naze I got mixed up with Chiasa, Sadami and Okiku. Part of me panicked about the things I was doing and learning about myself. But, since you were going to be out of your mind, it was smarter to learn everything I could. Getting torn up because I was sharing a cell with you would have been a death sentence for us both."

Raking his hands through his hair, Itsuke finally looked at Tak. His face had lost the little color it had before their talk began. Wounded eyes watched him as tears slipped down Tak's cheeks. Without a word, Tak suddenly yanked him hard against his chest in a hug. Itsuke could feel the dampness of Tak's grief soaking into his hospital shirt. He let his arms wrap around the man holding onto him.

"Look, I know it hurts to hear my saying this, Tak. Chiasa was the only person who could save us from Taihei. Minasan knew I'd be killed if I didn't become invaluable in my own way. I did whatever I could to improve both of our chances while we were trapped in there. You had nothing to do with it, so don't blame yourself. Mitani even taught me several things during those afternoons because genuinely nice guys were so rare in there. They knew I was living on borrowed time unless I could prove myself on my own merits. I'm not proud of taking the only alternatives anyone could offer me to save us. Doing something, even if it was extreme, seemed better than giving up and waiting quietly for us both to die."

"You were trying desperately to save us, and I was making things so much harder for you because I couldn't stand obeying that bastard. Naze didn't you trust me, Itsuke? If only I had known about this, . . . maybe I could have stomached doing something differently to make things easier on you."

Rubbing the amber-haired man's shuddering back, Itsuke fought the desire to do more than keep his cheek against Tak's ear. "Don't do this to yourself, Tak. Despite Sadami being an asshole, I'll never want you to be any other way. If you had caved without fighting for your beliefs, you wouldn't be the person I love. Keisuke san wouldn't love you if you weren't true to your convictions. Stay exactly the same strong, sometimes spaced out, and patient Tak that you've always been. That's the man we both admire. Leamas sama knows all I learned about the next phase of your drying out. You'll have Keisuke san to help you get through the last type of withdrawals too."

"Don't bet on it . . . since I'm losing both of you, Itsuke. There's nothing I can do to stop it. Choosing one over the other is impossible when it comes to you and Keisuke. Maybe I'm just a selfish bastard like Sadami said, but I can't help loving you both."

"You'll never really lose me, Tak. You love me differently from Keisuke too. Stay with Keisuke san, and be happy so that I can finally let you go, . . . in the way I need to. I'm begging you to do this for me and yourself. Take care of Hikaru because he's an incredible little shonen."

"Nani about you, Itsuke? How can you ask me to ignore your feelings now that I know about them? It's not fair to you!"

"Every single day of your life was unfair when we were kodomo. Nothing I did ever changed anything for you, Tak. My problems were minor, but still, they made everything you were dealing with so much harder for you. Things finally changed when Keisuke san showed up and fell in love with you. Seeing you happy because he changed your life has been such a relief for me."

Although he knew the words would rip his own heart out, Itsuke forced them out in a calm and even tone while pulling away from Tak's hold. "After you get back on your feet, we'll have to go separate ways for a little while. You have to let me go so I can learn to stand on my own, Tak. Take care of Hikaru the way you've always taken care of me because he needs you. Be his strength like you've always been mine, Tak. Give him everything you've given me over the years. If you'll do that for me, I'll know you really do love me, Tak."

-oo0oo-

** Thanks so mush to the reader that brought to my attention a couple chapters with odd goofs in them. I have corrected the mistakes in this chapter, and others I posted prematurely. I am replacing the mistakes and re-posting chapters that need it most. I will correct Japanese dialog after this story is completed.**
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As the Smoke Clears #4 in Rivalry Series