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Fight Me, Bite Me	By : Rhov Category: +. to F > Fairy Tail Views: 39446 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail is the property of Hiro Mashima. I make no money, I just do this for my own pleasure.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
WARNING: Chapter contains triggers for people sensitive to discussions of childhood abuse.

Chapter 10

Nightmares

When Erza and Lucy returned from their mission, the Titania demanded to meet Natsu's girlfriend. Picking at his food without looking up, Natsu merely muttered, "I don't have one anymore."
That quiet confession set off an uproar in the guild. The room instantly fractured into three different reactions. Most of the crowd muttered that Natsu likely chased her away with his destructive habits and childish personality, and they let the Dragon Slayer alone to poke his food in depression. A few like Lisanna, Lucy, Elfman, and Romeo tried to console him in their own way.
"Natsu is still my best friend."
"Cheer up. You'll find the right girl someday, Natsu."
"It's manly to move on and keep looking for a real woman."
"There's gotta be a girl out there for you, Natsu-nii."
Then there were the ones who flat out mocked him. Gray was one of that crowd, although he looked on proudly as he shouted his insults. Who would have thought Natsu could act so well? Then again, just sitting there stabbing his fire chicken and muttering to the people around him was not really acting; still, to Gray it showed that Natsu wanted to put the whole girlfriend incident behind him.
Amidst the cheering and jeering, Cana shouted out, "Maybe she broke up with you because you weren't submissive enough. I bet she wanted to tie you up, put a collar on you, call you her bitch, and beat you with a riding crop."
Natsu turned solidly pink, but people figured it was merely because of the erotic idea. Many others went red, and two men in the guild got nosebleeds. Gray swore that drunken woman must be able to see what happened to people with her magic tarot cards. Cana's inebriated shouts were sometimes almost prophetic. However, she never once glanced at Gray as if to insinuate he was the one who did stuff like that. It was just an uncanny coincidence … hopefully.
For weeks, Gray and Natsu did little that could be considered kinky. They went on a few dates, made out at home without sex, and sometimes they just sat together, silently holding hands and staring at the stars. Then there were missions to do. Gray needed more money, Natsu had to take a few missions to cover food costs, and Erza dragged them both on missions to stop bandits, help local playhouses, and one was to catch a nobleman's pet tiger that had escaped. Work kept Gray and Natsu busy.
Still, when the team stayed at a ryokan, although they all slept in one room, Gray and Natsu gazed at one another in the moonlight with their futons side by side. Natsu's hand slipped over to Gray, slid under his covers, and caressed his arm. He really wanted to touch somewhere else, but even this much was pushing their limits. Lucy or Erza could wake up and see them. They had agreed to give the guild a few weeks to get over the chatter about Natsu's ex-girlfriend before saying anything, and Gray still was unsure just how they could announce something like that. Blurting it out was too embarrassing. Allowing themselves to get caught kissing in a back storage room had some advantages but was also shameful. They both agreed that they did not want anyone in the guild to think they had been hiding this, or else some people might feel bad that they were left out of this secret.
Then one day, Fairy Tail got a unique request. Queen Shagotte of New Extalia—the Exceeds' rebuilt homeland—requested the aid of Happy, Carla, and Pantherlily, but she asked that no humans be sent. The three Exceeds were happy to go visit their people once again, and they flew off the very next day.
That night, Natsu once again had a nightmare.
It was dark. He smelled mildew, blood, and something worse, something that smelled like bleach, only it wasn't. The smell made him want to vomit. Not just because of the smell alone. Because of what he knew it was.
Semen smelled like bleach.
His hands were tied behind him with magic-sealing rope, a lesson his captor had learned after getting burned once already. His legs were bound to a chair, spread apart, completely naked and cold in this damp, dark place. Hands touched him. He tried to pull away, but something sharp pressed against his throat. Natsu had numerous old scabs on his neck already, and some fresh ones, from where the captor had pressed the knife into his skin a little too hard as he struggled.
He hurt. He felt cold. Those touches used to warm him in a bad, sick way. Now, they did nothing but disgust him.
"Come on, boy. Aren't you liking it anymore? You didn't respond to anything yesterday, either. Are you really just a little boy?"
There was only emptiness and apathy in his heart. He did not care what this person did to him anymore. Nothing shamed him. Nothing hurt him. He had numbed himself to all sensations. He stared blankly into cruel eyes and let his mind slip to someplace else, a blank place where he did not have to feel or think or do anything.
"Dammit, at least react. Do I have to hire a slut to get you to respond? I can do that, you know. Some diseased, filthy whore that no one else will touch. Someone like that would do you, although you'd probably die young from diseases. Not like I'm gonna let you leave here alive anyway."
That was the worst of it. If he gave up and killed himself, he was dead. If he struggled too much, he could die. Even if he passively put up with everything, he would be dead someday anyway; his captor had said so many times. Dead now or dead later … and living in this hellhole was becoming too painful. Still, death was losing, and he was Salamander Natsu. He didn't lose to enemies.
A tear dripped down his cheek. That blank place was not letting him escape today.
"I … hate you," a child's voice said in the dream.
"Mutual, boy, I assure you, but you're gonna make me rich."
The only thing Natsu had left was hatred. Hatred and a prayer that someone would come. Maybe Igneel would show up, like he always did. But no, Igneel was gone. Everyone was gone. He was alone, and his screams could not be heard. He knew that already. He had screamed for days, but no one ever came. No hero stepped in just in time. Even when things got really bad, there was no last-minute rescue. He used to think Fairy Tail could magically rescue any of their friends before the worst happened, but not this time. He was on his own, a helpless and pathetic wretch, beaten and broken. He couldn't remember when he finally stopped screaming for help.
"You disgusting little pimple! Why won't you pop? Squeeze and squeeze, but you don't pop."
Natsu felt those cold hands suddenly grab his throat, strangling his neck.
"What if I squeeze here, huh? Will the pimple pop then? Did you know that cutting off your air can give you an erection? Or it'll kill you. If you don't do what I say, you're no use to me anyway."
The hands squeezed and crushed his windpipe. Natsu could not move to defend himself. He could not breathe at all, and his face was beginning to go numb.
"Do you like that, boy? Is it making you aroused yet? I'm gonna make you come, boy. One way or another, I'm gonna get what I want. I'll pop this pimple … or squeeze your fucking head off trying."
As blackness slowly took over, Natsu realized something. With those hands on his neck, the knife was away. Hatred flowed into his blood. His heart raced. He was getting aroused all right, but not from the strangulation.
Blood. He wanted blood. He danced in blood, drank it, splashed in puddles of it like a frolicking child. Showering blood, everywhere, all around, all over him.
"My God, Natsu! What did you do?"
"Oh. Hey, Gramps. He … popped."
Natsu bolted up in bed, screaming with fire shooting out of his mouth. His hammock caught ablaze, snapped, and he fell to the ground with a loud thump. He quickly put out the flames, and then he looked around in the darkness.
It was too dark. Blackness, a dark room, just like back then, like that place with the bad smell. Natsu turned on some lights, and the familiar house lit up around him. His breath came quickly and heavily, laboring as his heart pounded so fast, it hurt his chest.
"Happy?" he called out meekly, but he knew his friend was gone. Natsu collapsed onto the floor and curled into a fetal position. "No … no, no, no!" He sobbed and grabbed around his knees, shrinking down as if he could hide from those disgusting, terrifying hands. Just curl into a ball and hide away, like the child in that dream. "Why?" he screamed. The tears refused to stop. "Why do I still dream about that? Goddamn memory, get out of my head."
He wept into his legs and began to rock himself, unable to stop the convulsive sobs. Then suddenly he scrambled back to the bed, snatched the white scarf, and wrapped it around his neck. Only that scarf freed him from the chokehold's sensation, yet those strangling hands were only a small part of the nightmare. He felt those cold hands still, like filthy leaches slithering over his skin, and he rubbed himself all over, trying to rid himself of the sick feeling. His lungs convulsed as the dream still haunted him.
"I just want to forget. I just … want to forget it."
He knew he needed to get out, get away, run away from the man's taunting voice and the smell of blood. Natsu bolted out the door and ran in a frantic sprint, racing through the moonlit forest and down the hill toward Magnolia. The smell would not leave his nose, even when he entered the town that was plunged in midnight sleep. He ran to a park, hoping the flowers would chase away the stench, but the odor was in his mind. Nothing would purge it, just as nothing could stop the feel of those hands on his body. Rubbing his arms, hitting himself, slapping the skin, nothing purged the ghostly fingers.
Natsu raised his head up to the stars and screamed, "I hate this," as hot tears tumbled down his cheeks. He collapsed onto the grass, and again he curled into himself. "I hate it," he sobbed quietly. He stared forward into the shadows. "I hate what he made me do. I hate … what he turned me into."
He felt filthy, disgusting, like … like a pimple. Like a disgusting pimple.
Only one person made things better. Only one person purged the filth and made him clean.
"Gray," he whispered. The tenderness of those icy touches was nothing at all like the other person's hands. The fingers of the ice wizard had given him true pleasure. He only felt safe and needed in those arms. "Gray…"
He needed Gray. He needed to feel touches that did not make him want to vomit.
Maybe the emotions were getting to him, but Natsu blanked out. He had a sense that he wandered, but he had no clue where he was going until he realized he was at Gray's window.
"How appropriate," he muttered wryly. After all, this was how the whole thing started: a nightmare, seeking someone in the night, and winding up at this house.
He lifted the window, but the squeak of it woke the ice wizard up instantly. Natsu just barely dodged a spear of ice aimed at him.
"Dammit, Gray."
"Natsu?" he yawned, blinking his bleary eyes. "What the hell?"
"Ask 'who's there' first before trying to stab someone, jerk."
"What idiot sneaks into people's houses in the middle of the night? Well, then again, that's normal for you, I guess. So, what are you doing here?"
"Couldn't sleep," he said, coming inside completely and shutting the window behind him.
"Oh God, Happy's gone for one day and you can't sleep alone? Are you really just a kid?"
That dream haunted him. Are you really just a little boy?
Gray heard the sharp gasp and saw the tightness in Natsu's brow. Something had triggered him again. "Fine, come on and share my bed."
Natsu hurried forward and dived under the covers like a cat called out of the rain. Shelter! Security! Being wanted! Being needed!
Gray wrapped his arms around the Dragon Slayer and tried to fall back to sleep. However, the fidgets and occasional sighs of irritation showed him that Natsu was not just going to drift off to sleep.
"Ya need to talk about it?" he sleepily offered.
"I … can't."
That issue again! "Tell me what you need."
"You sound barely awake."
"Because I'm practically asleep."
"I don't want to bother you."
"Well, you are, so you might as well annoy me more. Do you need warm milk? A shoulder massage? Tell me so you can fall asleep, that way I can fall asleep."
Natsu was quiet for a long time as images of the dream flitted past his mind. At least here, the smell vanished. Wrapped up in Gray's arms like this made him smell nothing else but the scent of pine trees and snow.
"Gray, how do you deal with nightmares?"
"Nightmares?" he asked, waking more. "I don't even know how to deal with my own."
Natsu rolled over to look at him in surprise. "You get nightmares?"
"Sure. Everyone does."
"What are yours like?"
Gray glared into the shadows. "The day my town was destroyed by Deliora. I had to watch friends get crushed, my home burned, my parents … killed." His voice shuddered as he choked up. "They died defending me from that demon. Its voice … is a nightmare. I'll never forget that day," he whispered darkly. "It still frightens me. Whenever I meet up with a demon, I get a flashback to that day. I freeze up in terror. I feel like I'm that helpless child again," he sneered with tears in his eyes. "A stupid kid who can't do anything but cry for a mother … who was … crushed to death … in front of my eyes."
In sympathy, Natsu touched Gray's arm and whispered his name.
"I'm fine, sorry," he whispered, wiping his eyes. "So, what about yours? I told you; you tell me."
Natsu looked aside. He had never told anyone, not even Happy, but after Gray divulged such a weakness, it was only fair.
"It has to do with why I freak out," he muttered.
That immediately put Gray on alert. Those incidents had worried him for some time.
"It was a couple of occasions, I guess. The first happened when I was little, I'm not sure how old, probably no more than four or five. I wandered away from Igneel's place while he was gone hunting. I met up with some bandits and got caught. My magic sucked back then," he said in his own defense.
"It's a miracle you knew any magic at that age," Gray admitted. Four or five! Gray didn't learn magic until he was eight.
"They chained me up … t-tortured me," he whispered in an old nightmare. "Nearly choked me to death." Natsu's hand touched his throat again with a distant memory of terror. "It took a full day before Igneel returned and found them." He laughed softly in pride. "He burned the whole building down to rescue me."
Gray saw that this one bit of memory was sweet to Natsu, and Igneel's destructive solution explained so much about Natsu's fighting style.
"I don't remember much after that, but I know I kept having nightmares. It took me months before I could be outdoors on my own. It was a big problem, since Igneel frequently had to leave." He laughed miserably. "I wet myself a few times, until Igneel would leave behind a bucket. Once, we ran out of food. I could have gathered berries growing right outside the cave, but … I couldn't step outside. Not alone. I was too scared." Natsu laughed off the youthful stupidity. "I almost starved," he said lightly. "I was also scared of anything brushing against my throat, even my own hair. I kept thinking of … them … choking me. That's when Igneel gave me this scarf. It helped, the nightmares stopped, and having something always against my neck desensitized me from that fear.
"Then, about two years after joining Fairy Tail, I was on a mission that went bad. The guy … strangled me until I went unconscious." Natsu shuddered slightly and touched his throat. "When I came to, I was tied up in a dark room. It was that childhood terror all over again. I was back in that nightmare. The enemy came back and he … he…"
Gray felt Natsu shiver hard.
"I never told anyone," Natsu said as a distraction as he wiped his nose. "We've all had 'the mission that went bad,' right? The mission we don't want to talk about."
"Sure," said Gray. "I've had a few nasty ones myself. And you're right, we usually don't talk about them."
"Exactly. But that one in particular…"
His voice faded away, and for a solid minute, Natsu stared out, trapped by the memory. Then he suddenly gasped and sniffled. His trembling hand reached up to touch his throat again. Gray wrapped his arm around Natsu's shoulder in comfort.
"You can tell me," he spoke in a low, calming tone. "I'll keep it secret."
Natsu knew he could trust Gray now. They had done so much that demanded implicit trust. He gulped hard and went on. "He … did things … to me," he whispered, but then anger surged up. "I was still a kid. A goddamn fucking kid! I didn't even know what he was trying to do at first. He said something about … samples. Thinking back, it was likely sperm samples, since I'm a Dragon Slayer. Maybe trying to … to breed one."
"Oh God," Gray whispered in horror. That was one of those missing pieces of the puzzle. Natsu had panicked when Gray mentioned coming into a cup. He could not have his semen in anything. It suddenly made sense.
"I didn't understand any of it back then. I had never … you know … shot off like that. But he touched me … until I did … for the very first time." In tears, Natsu sneered. "My first orgasm … was to that man's hands. And it wasn't just once. I was trapped for over two weeks. He did that to me … every day," he snarled. "A few times a day." Natsu choked up for a moment and gulped down his tears. "He would use … different ways, things that would … would help me, things that would make it feel better."
Gray's stomach surged. To a child?
In choking sobs, Natsu went on. "I didn't want to give in to what he wanted. Not at all." His arm swung out as he declared that with snarling pride. "But … but I couldn't. I couldn't win against him. I couldn't stop myself. And I hated it. I hated it so much! I hated feeling any pleasure, feeling myself ready to come. I hated him. I hated my own weak body. I hated … myself." His head hung as his brows tensed. "There were times during those two weeks locked away with him when I wanted to die. I wanted it to end so badly, I thought about killing myself."
"Natsu," Gray sighed, gripping his hand tightly.
"I'm okay," he whispered, gulping to swallow down the sobs and wiping his eyes until his cheeks went red. "I'm … okay now."
Gray rubbed Natsu's shivering shoulder. Natsu's aversion to certain sex toys was now explained, as well as why he could not have his semen in something. This past sounded so horrific—being forced to come over and over again, and only being a child—Gray was surprised Natsu could allow himself any sort of physical pleasure at all. Being able to overcome that much was a testament to his inner strength.
"After two weeks, I couldn't come anymore, no matter what he did, what he used." He laughed wryly through tears. "He got mad, pissed as hell at me. He…" The fear returned to his eyes as he gazed off into a dark past. "He began … choking me again. Those hands … around my neck … just like back then." Natsu broke off as he shook his head, struggling not to break down again, but losing the fight. "I … I went berserk," he cried out in fear, elation, and his own disbelief. "I broke loose … and … and I…" The fear turned to fury, the shaking fingers clenched into fists of rage, and he snarled animalistically, "I ripped his head off … with my bare hands."
Gray's mouth dropped in shock. "Y-you killed someone?"
"Yeah." As Natsu nodded, his face showed a mix of revulsion at the act and sadistic smugness. "Yeaaah." He grinned with a passing moment of insane pleasure, which quickly faded. In regret, he turned his head aside and sighed sadly, "Yeah, I killed him."
Gray could see that such a horrific act was still something Natsu had a hard time thinking about sanely. He could not say anything, though. Sure, they fought a lot, but it was simply an unwritten rule that Fairy Tail wizards could be destructive so long as they did not kill anyone. To hear that Natsu went down that forbidden path of blood made Gray shiver deep inside.
"I don't really remember much after that," Natsu said, calmer now, as if that cathartic moment of violence released all the tension within him, even as an adult. "When I came to, Makarov was there with Gildarts and a couple of other adults. They went looking for me when I was so late returning. I was covered head to toe in blood. I could … taste the blood, taste that man's arousal in it. And … I liked it. I was dancing in puddles of blood, laughing insanely, when they found me. God, I was a mess. They had to … to restrain me." He laughed softly. "I was out to attack everyone," he admitted.
Gray knew Natsu was like that anyway.
"Makarov had me see some psychiatrists. It was all kept quiet from the guild, of course. He probably told everyone I was sick, when in reality I was a mental case. He feared that if the others knew I had actually murdered someone so brutally, some of the members might demand that I be kicked out of the guild. I mean, we don't want a … a murderer in Fairy Tail. And that's what I was. What I am. I killed someone. Barehanded."
"In self-defense," Gray insisted.
"Yes, that's the reason I'm not in jail. Makarov proved it was self-defense. The Magic Council couldn't punish me since I didn't use magic, and it was easy to prove to local authorities that I had been … tortured, at the least. They didn't need to know about the rest of it. Still, Makarov told me not to tell anyone in the guild. I didn't want to, anyway. It's not something I'm proud of, killing a person. Especially like that, with my own hands, wanting him dead, so happy I could finally do it," he whispered in disgust mixed with a gleam of joyful madness. "After over two weeks of being tortured by that man, forced to do what he wanted, touched and prodded by him, I only wish I could have killed him slower."
Natsu looked down at his hands in revulsion.
"That's what I hate the most. I should be sick that I killed someone, repent it, and rationally I do; however, if I were back in that situation, I'd still kill him. I'd kill him over and over again. I'd burn him slowly," he whispered with mad glee. "I'd roast his cock off, then make him eat it, then burn him bit by bit—"
"Natsu!" Gray shouted, sick to hear the gruesome details of Natsu's fantasy-revenge.
The Dragon Slayer jolted out of that twisted reverie. "Sorry," he sighed, flinching as he realized what he had been saying. "Anyway, that's what I keep dreaming about. I kill him in my dreams. Part of me loves to kill him, but I only dream about how I really did it. All the blood. I can taste and smell his blood all over again. It makes me scared that I could turn into that psychotic murderer again. Not just killing him. Playing with the dead body, splashing in his blood, totally insane. I hate what he made me become, and … it makes me … so scared," he whispered in terror. "Scared that if someone touches me like that, I'll do it again. I'll kill them. I won't even realize I killed them until I wake up … covered in blood … with that head … still in my hands."
More pieces were falling into place for Gray. Natsu's fear about hurting a lover, his suddenly violent attacks, mentioning something about blood, and about Makarov telling him not to tell anyone. It was all coming together, and the picture this puzzle showed was horrifying.
"It took me a long time to get over the insanity, but … the scars ran deep. When I hit puberty, I … I couldn't … do the things boys normally do, ya know. Touching myself, things like that." He looked uncomfortable mentioning it. "I was terrified that if I ever got aroused, I'd go insane again. I guess, over the years, I trained my body to hate being aroused. I couldn't come, not unless it was moments like those, moments where I had no freedom, no choice. Being forced. Being assaulted. It was the only way I could convince myself to let go. And I need to be tied up, because I'm scared shitless that I'll rip someone's head off.
"Starting shortly after the issue on Tenrou Island, those nightmares began coming back: being tied up, being strangled. I … I see his head. Detached," he noted with a sick grimace. "It mocks me while shadowy hands touch me. It's not like the fantasies I have of people tying me up. I mean, they're very similar, but … but the nightmares … they're totally different. They terrify me. Seeing that man's head again—" Natsu broke off with a shudder. "It was the head I ripped off. It's the voice that taunted me for weeks, saying 'I'm gonna make you come, boy.' He always called me just boy. It was like he wanted to emphasize that I was nothing more than a goddamn kid. My dreams about killing him are some of my favorites, but the dreams about him touching me … molesting me … those dreams terrify me. I know they're just nightmares, but … but it really happened. He really did that, and … and I'm not normal, all because of that goddamn sonuvabitch."
Gray hugged the Dragon Slayer around the shoulders. "Sorry about that. Damn. I can't even imagine. But I'm here for you, okay? If you ever have those nightmares, just come to me. You know I won't hurt you like that, and you know I can restrain you. I won't let you go crazy like that."
Natsu rested against the bare chest. "Thank you." He stared off as his emotions swirled. "Is it weird, getting tied up is something I want now?"
"No, I think it makes sense, given your history. We deal with our past in any way we can. If getting tied up makes you feel safe, I'll buy lots of rope."
Natsu chuckled softly and snuggled into Gray's chest. "Who would have thought a stripping pervert like you would be the one I could turn to for this sort of thing?"
"Who would've thought I'd be dating a flame-brain idiot like you, of all people?"
"True," Natsu laughed. "Hey, don't tell anyone. I never even told Happy. I don't want people to think I'm weak or … or disgusting."
"You're not disgusting because that happened to you when you were a kid."
Natsu shrank into his arms. "I feel dirty. Ever since then, I've felt … filthy. Like he tainted me."
Gray took Natsu's chin and lifted it to stare into his narrow eyes. "Then I'll have to purge the filth out of you."
Natsu looked stunned, but then he sadly turned his eyes aside. "Not tonight."
Gray felt instant disappointment, but he let go of Natsu's face. "Okay. Tonight, stay with me. I'll protect you from the nightmares."
"I'm not a child," he grumbled.
Still, Natsu curled onto the bed, and Gray wrapped his arms around him, holding his lover close. Through his clothes, Natsu felt that cold, naked body, including a boner down below. He felt guilty for turning Gray down, but he really was not in the mood for anything intimate, not after that dream.
"Thanks, Gray."
"You owe me."
"I'll suck you off in the morning."
"I'll hold you to that promise."
Natsu chuckled softly. In the arms of Gray, with his smell of snow, mint, and pine all around, those nightmares froze, shattered, crumbled to dust, leaving behind peaceful calmness and purity, like a snowy winter forest.
"Goodnight, Gray."
"Try to have some sweet dreams this time."
Natsu snuggled into Gray's broad chest. "I'll dream of you."
"You better!" Then Gray gave Natsu a kiss on the top of his head, closed his eyes, and held the Dragon Slayer through the rest of the night.
- 9
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- 11
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Fight Me, Bite Me