Adult-FanFiction.org : Anime

The Time For Change Is Now	By : Reika Category: +. to F > FAKE Views: 3033 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own FAKE, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
Disclaimer: Not mine, so please don�t sue me.
A/N: Just a few notes. They are responses to reviews, but the reviewer name isn�t up with them because if I did it like that, I would have to respond to all the reviews. (It�s a thing I have)
#1: I am *so* glad someone brought up the cab. I was going to have a sentence like �somewhere down on the street an angry cab driver pulled away muttering �that asshole�. However, to do so, I thought, would have broken up the flow Dee and JJ had going�so I left it out. Let�s just say the guy got the hint and drove off.
#2: Someone mentioned that for Dee to stay with JJ would have destroyed his loyalty to Ryo and that said loyalty is one of the qualities that defines his character and makes him likable. I couldn�t agree more.
#3: Another review I got stated something like �I still want it to be Dee/Ryo; I hope its okay that I said that.� *Of course* its okay. I never meant to sound like I didn�t want you guys to tell me what pairing you liked or wanted. I even posted an author�s note near the beginning asking for that specifically. That�s what reviews are all about. I want your feedback, and of course I want you to tell me where you want the story to go. I was addressing the more militant of the reviews and the ones that don�t seem to care *how* they end up together, as long as they *do*.
#4: Someone mentioned throwing Drake in there. Yeah�NO. Wow�that sounded a bit harsh. I didn�t mean for it to. I just�I refuse to add another romantic angle so that everyone ends up happy. No can do. Also I hate, hate, *hate* the �odd ones out ending up together� thing. Everyone *always* does that with Tatsumi and Watari in Yami No Matsuei. They always end up together simply so that they have someone. I�ve yet to read one where they actually have *reasons* to be together and it disgusts me. It�s fanservice�nothing more, nothing less. Now�there�s nothing wrong with fanservice. Many people love it (hence the term), and I myself am guilty of reading a few simply to satisfy my happy bug (rarely�as I�m sure you�ve noticed by now that I have no heart j/k), but I *refuse* to write it. The same thing goes for Berkley with Ryo. Although I think they might have something there, I haven�t explored that relationship or given it any true merit and thus it will not be added. Whoever gets left out in the end won�t have someone else to turn to�at least, at that time. Sorry�but I thought I should let you know now. Yeah�again�that makes me sound like an �ber bitch. I don�t mean it that way, and I know it was just a suggestion. I know that it sucks when not everyone has a happy ending�but think�if everyone really got a happy ending�how boring would life be then?
#5: I had one review mention the �lemon� scene. I don�t really consider it a lemon since no one�s pants came off�more lime, I think. However, I just wanted to ask that the L word not be put in any of the reviews, pretty please. I�ve worked hard on this story and I�d hate to have it taken down. I�ve been seeing more and more stories removed, and there seems to be little to nothing we can do about it. When the true lemon situations pop up, I�ll probably post those parts on AdultFanFiction.net, providing, of course, that they warrant such raciness. I�ve found that sex scenes can be just as effective (if nore sre so) without graphic detail, as long as they are written with care. I will let you know either way, when the time comes.
#6: THANK YOU. The response to the last chapter was overwhelming and I can�t thank you enough. Thank you for all the reviews telling me how much you guys appreciate the character work. I was so honored to get so many that said, more or less, �I didn�t like JJ, but your JJ could end up with Dee and it would still work.� THANK YOU!
#7: WARNING! Angst alert here�major major angst alert.

Chapter 11��..Problem #4: When We Hurt.

*****************************************************
�I *do believe you and that�s what hurts so much.�
JJ heard the door close, and he knew that Dee had left him.
Normally he would have, under such circumstances, run after him and tried to salvage the situation. But JJ just didn�t have it in him to move, let alone run. He crawled underneath his blan and and stared at the ceiling as though it might hold the answers he was looking for. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness and a beam of moonlight sliced through the semi-blackness, giving the area by the large window a soft blue glow. JJ might have thought it poetic � if the area of his mind reserved for profound thought wasn�t already preoccupied contemplating his misery.
It wasn�t that Dee had left him unsatisfied � his erection wilted instantaneously at the mention of the �R� word. At first he�d found himself angry that Dee�s nonexistent relationship with Ryo had spoiled everything�again. But then Dee had tried to explain, and even though it was more like rambling, JJ knew exactly what he meant�and believed him. Although it seemed a bit backwards, the knowledge that Dee actually did care for him as well as Ryo made things ten times worse for JJ. Now his mind would not be able to rest. Now he would be unable to stop the drowning flood of �what if�s and �if I�d gotten there sooner�s. To know that he�d been so close to finally getting the man he�d loved for longer than he cared to remember would make it that much worse if he lost in the end.
Regret was an emotion that JJ was all too familiar with � and he didn�t like it any more now than he ever had before. It was ineffectual, if not completely useless. Still JJ, like so many others, found himself wallowing in it. Although he knew it wouldn�t change anything the question of what he could have done differently surrounded him, taunting and relentless.
Tearseateeatened him, but JJ refused to cry. He felt the prick behind his eyes and shut them tightly, fighting it back. After a few moments he kicked off his blankets and threw himself out of bed. The air was cold on his naked torso, but JJ found himself far from caring. He ran a hand through his hair and flicked the light on before going back out into his living room. He did a quick scan of the place and noticed that Dee had forgotten his cigarettes. It had been years since JJ smoked, but at that moment a cigarette sounded very, very good. He sniffed once and made his way over to them before shaking one out of the pack and shoving it between his lips. Dee had apparently put his lighter back into his pocket, and JJ had to think a moment before remembering that he had matches in a kitchen drawer. After digging around for them he lit one and wrinkled his nose at the offending smell of sulfur. He lit the cigarette and inhaled before coughing and expelling the smoke. Dee�s brand was considerably harsher than what he had been used to in the past, but it was nothing he couldn�t handle. The nicotine made his head swim momentarily, as his body had been free from it�s toxins for a long time.
Cigarette still in hand, he turned towards the refrigerator, opening it. Various groceries stared back at him, but eacheached his hand instead to the lower right hand shelf where he kept his beer. Before his fingers wrapped around the chilled bottle he paused. It was only a few hours until he had to go to work and he knew what it felt like to try and function on that fine line separating tipsy and hung over. He knew what it felt like to be so disillusioned with life that existence itself was too much of a bother to go through without a vice. He reached for a bottle of juice instead.
He�d only smoked half of the smoldering stick in his mouth when he turned on the faucet and stuck it underneath. The cigarette went out with a hiss and he tossed it into the trash. He needed something�anything�to keep him from plunging into the full on fit of despair that was lurking just beneath the surface. He knew himself well, and knew that if he let that darkness free it would rip him to shreds. He couldeadyeady feel the gashes forming, its sharpened claws tearing at him begging to be let free.
JJ needed to shoot something.
He was good at it, no, he was the best. His gun offered him something he couldn�t find anywhere else�control. There had to be a shooting range open�somewhere. He padded back to his bedroom and dropped to his knees before reaching under his bed to find the box where he kept his weapon locked away. His fingers grasped its hard metal edges and he pulled forward, ready to unlock and open it.
By chance his eyes shifted to the side and he noticed a crumpled ball of black fabric. He was pretty good about not leaving clothes on the floor and didn�t remember wearing anything black recently. Curiously he reached over to it and held it out, looking. It was too large for him, and JJ knew that it could only belong to one person. It wasn�t the shirt Dee had been wearing (and later *not* wearing, he reminded himself) earlier and JJ wondered how it had gotten there.
He thought back and hazy memories from the edge of consciousness came to him, but just barely. He remembered being in his bed and grasping out for Dee so that the man wouldn�t leave him. He could just make out the image of Dee pulling the shirt he had fisted in his hand over his head and leaving it with him.
JJ held the shirt at arm�s length for a long moment, his lip quivering. Against his better judgment, he finally pulled it to him and inhaled deeply, letting the other man�s scent fill his nostrils, his brain�his heart. All the tension, all the frustration and hurt welled up in him so much that he felt he might burst and leave sticky remnants of a sad and lonely boy all over the walls. There was no stopping it then�and JJ curled into a ball, the shirt still gripped fiercely to his chest�and cried.
Through his hushed sobs and the breaths that were so hard to take they felt as though they might actually kill him, JJ knew only one thing for certain.
This pain, this unbearable pain that threatened his sanity � he wouldn�t give it up for the world � not if it meant giving up all the things knowing Dee Laytner had taught him. He supposed that was what true love really was.
*************************************************************
Ryo slept more peacefully than he had in months. He�d had an epiphany�not to mention a mind blowing orgasm. He wasn�t sure, exactly, what that meant for his relationship with Dee, but felt that such questions were normal. He wasn�t quite ready for a swan dive into untested waters, but he had no doubt that Dee would be happy to hear that he had finally figured out that he wanted him and that he was�g�.ga�.
Okay�so he still had work to do�but he *was* making progress.
He�d picked up the phone at least ten times earlier that night, wanting to call his former partner. Every time, though, he�d slammed it back down before even pressing the numbers. He was nervous, that much was true, and he figured that just because he�d begun to figure out what he wanted that didn�t mean he had to tell it to the world just yet�or even that he had to tell Dee. He didn�t want the man to get the wrong idea and ge fge full force into something Ryo knew he wanted�just not so soon.
And so he�d gone to bed. Sleep came easily for him as he drifted off wondering what he would say to Dee the next day.
He knew one thing for sure.
He couldn�t wait to see the other man�s face.
************************************************************
Dee decided to just drive home. He�d been pretty sober before and the situation he had just gotten out of, coupled with the bite of the cold winter air brought him back to full awareness.
During the drive he turned on the radio, hoping the blare of the music could block out the dissonance wailing about in his head. It did its job for the first few blocks. The songs were familiar and Dee could sing along which satisfactorily distracted him. However, when the next song came on, it was slower with a melancholy undertone to it. Dee had never heard it before, and it wasn�t the usual fast paced sound he usually liked�but�there was something about the sound of the acoustic guitar. It sounded as though it were�weeping. It was like a certain poetic sadness dripped from every note played and Dee found that he couldn�t bring himself to turn it.
Soon the lyrics started and he listened, distractedly at first, but later with rapt attention. Save for a bit of gender differentiations the song seemed to suit his situation extremely well. It put his feelings into the words that he himself couldn�t seem to find. He noted, absently, that it was commonly known that when one was depressed *every* song on the radio seemed appropriate.
The song continued and soon Dee was home. He sat in his car, listening to it until the very last note had been played. He felt drained � physically, mentally, emotionally. He fished around in his pocket for a cigarette and swore when he realized that he�d left them at JJ�s.
With a deep sigh that carried with it the uncertainty that Dee felt all the way into his bones, he rested his forehead against the steering wheel and closed his eyes. He had no desire to walk up to his apartment and crawl into a cold, empty bed.
Amidst the chaos of his mind and heart, he knew one thing.
He had to all this straightened out. Soon.
*********************************************
The next morning Ryo walked into the precinct humming quietly. He grabbed himself a cup of coffee and wasn�t surprised that Dee wasn�t in yet. He knew that his former partner had a problem with punctuality and figured the other man would be there soon.
He made his way to his desk, now facing JJ�s, and looked to see his partner propped up on one elbow, leaning his forehead against his hand. His hair was a little wild and if he noticed Ryo, he didn�t mention it.
�Morning JJ� Ryo chirped.
JJ looked up at him, his expression blank. He had dark circles under his eyes which were red and a little puffy. He looked horrible. As Ryo took off his jacket and sat down, he told him as much.
�JJ, you look horrible. You look like you didn�t get any sleep.�
JJ turned his blank expression into a slight glare before speaking in a sharp and flat voice. �I didn�t.�
Before Ryo could inquire as to why JJ neglected his sleep on a work night (not that he cared), Dee came through the door. He looked no better than JJ. Ryo was about to get up and see why he looked so bad when Drake passed by him, shoving a folder into his hand.
�You�re late, partner. You look like shit; what time did you go to bed?�
Dee leaned against the wall, letting the structure take his weight. �Around 11�two days ago.�
Ryo stiffened and looked down at JJ. The jealousy welled up in him and he had to fight not to hurl his coffee mug at Dee from across the room. He inspected their appearances again and something told him that whatever reason they had been up all night, it hadn�t been pleasurable. He forced himself to sit back down and take a deep breath. He looked down at the files on his desk and told himself to remember that this was *work* and not a soap opera. He�d just opened up the case that they were currently working on when the Chief yelled his name from where he was standing a few desks over. He turned his head, giving the man his attention.
�The Commissioner wants to see you, now.�
He was about to nod and head to Rose�s office when Dee�s voice cut through to him. �I�ll bet he does.�
Ryo turned around. �Dee�
�That�s me� Dee said with little to no enthusiasm.
�I wanted to talk to you�if that�s okay. There are some things I want to discuss.�
�Good� Dee started �because I need to talk to you too.�
Ryo drew back a bit. Dee�s expression was darker than he had ever seen it. What could have bothered the man so much?
�Come over for dinner then. I�ll send Bikky to Cal�s; he won�t mind.�
Dee nodded and Ryo headed off to see Rose. On his short journey something occurred to him � JJ hadn�t said a word to Dee. Even before they�d become friends JJ couldn�t let the opportunity pass to at least talk to him, and there he had been, a foot or two away from him and�nothing. Something was definitely off. He didn�t have time to dwell on it befreacreaching Rose�s door and knocking softly.
�Come in.�
Ryo stepped in, closing the door behinm. �m. �You wanted to see me, Sir?�
Rose didn�t look up from the file on his desk. �Yes; have a seat.�
�O�okay.� Ryo sat a bit nervously and waited for Rose to finish what he was doing.
It seemed like the man was oblivious to Ryo�s presence. He didn�t look up, or speak to him for several minutes. Finally he scribbled one last thing with his pen, set it down and sat back, giving Ryo his attention.
�The State Police need a sharpshooter. They have a large batch of trainees coming up and their previous instructor is out, due to illness. They�ve contacted me because they need someone to fill the position. The course will be taught near Lake Placid, upstate. It�s not permanent; you�ll only be gone for nine months and it�ll look great for that promotion you�ve had your eye on.�
Ryo let the information sink in. It was a great opportunity and an honor to be asked. However, he kept coming back to the time period. Nine. Months. He and Bikky would profit greatly from any promotion he might receive � the extra mouth to feed had made things a little difficult for him financially. But nine months�Dee had already made it clear that he was tired of waiting and unwilling to do it any longer. Would he be there waiting when Ryo got back?
Ryo decided he didn�t want to risk it. �I�m sorry, Sir. I�m going to have to turn the offer down. There are things that need my attention here.�
Rose quirked a brow. �Oh? Such as?�
Ryo had to think quickly. �My son, Sir. He�s in the middle of school and I don�t have anyone else to take care of him.�
Rose leaned back, pushing up his glasses. �I�ve already taken care of all that. They�re willing to accommodate the both of you and there�s a private academy that he can attend. I pulled some strings and you won�t have to pay for his tuition. I think you�ll find his studies could improve greatly there.� He handed Ryo a pamphlet with information about the school.
Ryo thought on it a moment. It was tempting to accept if for no other reason than to give Bikky the opportunity to improve his school records. Still, he didn�t want to leave Dee and doubted Bikky would be very happy about attending a private school, away from his friends.
�I�m sorry, Sir. I don�t think I can just pick up and move right now.�
Rose stood and moved closer, making Ryo tense in his seat. �Well that�s too bad, Detective McLean�because you don�t have any choice.�
Ryo snapped his head toward the other man. �What?�
�It�s already been decided and there�s nothing you can do about it, I�m afraid. You leave in two days.�
�Two days?�
The Commissioner nodded. �I know it�s sudden, so I�m giving you today and tomorrow off. You leave Wednesday at noon and arrive in Lake Placid around six.�
Ryo found himself getting upset. This had been decided without his permission, and even though it was a great opportunity, it was one he didn�t want. Rose�s tone and look made it clear that there was nothing he could say to get out of it.
Ryo gathered his things and headed out of Rose�s office without another word. He was not a happy man and he knew that Dee and Bikky weren�t going to be pleased either. He passed Dee�s desk where the other man looked like he was trying desperately not to fall asleep.
�I�m leaving for the day; I have�things to do. Come over for dinner around seven, okay? We need to�talk.�
Dee agreed and watched Ryo leave. He was dreading the coming evening, dreading the argument they were no doubt going to have. JJ walked by a few seconds later and Dee reached his hand out to stop him. JJ tried to glare at him but ended up looking more forlorn than anything else. He snatched his arm away from Dee and stepped back.
�Can I help you?�
Dee stood and moved close to him, not wanting to make their conversation public. His voice was low, almost a whisper, but still sharp. �Yeah you can help me � come to the break room. We need to talk.�
JJ didn�t answer at first, then finally �hmph�ed and allowed Dee to lead him to the break room. Once inside he sat heavily into one of the worn chairs and looked up at his Sempai, his arms crossed over his chest.
�Well, I�m here. Talk.�
Dee let out a sigh and sat across from him. �Look, I�m sorry for�for��
�For almost getting naked and then running away?� JJ interrupted.
Dee was a little shocked at his bluntness, but shook it off. He was pretty blunt himself, most of the time. �Yeah�I guess.�
JJ shook his head. �It�s alright; you didn�t do anything wrong. I came on to you, remember?�
�Yeah, but�look, I�m just�sorry. You seemed so upset when I left. I didn�t mean to be a cock tease or anything.�
JJ stood, clenching his fists. �It�s not about that! You could be a eunuch for all I care; I would still love you!� He recoiled instantly, realizing he�d said too much. He recovered quickly. �Anyways�it�s no big deal. I should have known better.�
Dee�s face softened and he found himself reaching out. He hadn�t meant to touch JJ, but he wanted to comfort him and the action seemed natural. He touched the back of his hand to the sniper�s cheek. �No�you shouldn�t have. You weren�t wrong either. JJ, do you feel okay? You�re burning up.�
JJ shrugged out from under Dee�s hand. �I get sick pretty easily. All the stress with no sleep must�ve brought it on.�
�You should go home.�
�Maybe� JJ replied before rubbing his temples. He closed his eyes and was shocked when he found himself pulled against Dee�s chest in a hug.
�Look� Dee began �I can�t make you any promises. I can�t even give you any hints�I have *no* clue what�s going to happen, myself. But no matter what�I�m sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that.�
JJ almost purred at the contact. He felt really awful and the comfort felt�perfect. He was content to just let the moment be � silent and serene � but Dee opened his mouth again.
�I�m going to Ryo�s tonight.�
JJ snorted and wiggled out of Dee�s grip. He reeled a bit, feeling disoriented due to his fever. �I heard.�
Dee stepped back and crossed his arms, getting ready to head back to work. �You should go home, JJ. One way or another�I�m going to have this shit taken care of soon. I promise.�
JJ didn�t answer him, just nodded and watched him walk out of the break room. He laughed at the observation that for god knows how many years he�d been doing just that � watching Dee go.
****************************************************************
Ryo sat on his sofa, thinking. He had changed out of his work clothes and into more comfortable jeans with a sweater his aunt had given him a few Christmases ago. He had no clue what to say to Dee�or Bikky. He looked around the apartment he had made his home and realized how much he didn�t want to leave it. Bikky was going to be difficult � he would no doubt get angry and shout a string of words unbefitting such a young man. Ryo thought about what he could say to make his foster son realize that he himself had no say in it.
He looked at the pamphlet on the school Rose had given him. Although it looked far from what Bikky would choose for himself, it was extremely promising from an educational point of view. It was the Northwood School of Lake Placid. At least it was co-ed. He didn�t think *any* amount of convincing could make Bikky go to an all boys school. It had an 8:1 student teacher ratio, which would be perfect as Bikky tended to need more attention than the over crowded public classes offered him. It wasn�t that Bikky was slow, quite the contrary. Ryo had found his foster son to be *extremely* bright � it was just that he had trouble focusing. With a 75 acre campus, 100% college placement and an excellent sports program the facility seemed *perfect* for Bikky. Spending a school year there would do him tremendous amounts of good.
If only Ryo could say the same for himself.
After Bikky, Ryo concentrated on Dee. This was the hard part. He�d been set to tell Dee that he wanted him. It might have taken him a while to get comfortable with the idea but he *wanted* him. The decision was huge for Ryo and now it had been greatly overshadowed by his impending move. He had no clue what to do. He was terrified that Dee would be unwilling to wait for him. Nine months wasn�t forever�but it was a long time�and Dee was very clear that he was tired of waiting.
He thought about all of their previous conversations. He didn�t want to make Dee wait�but came to the conclusion that he just might do it if he *knew* that Ryo would come back to him, ready to open new doors in their relationship. He was still nervous about what Dee would say, but decided that he would tell him the truth, and hope for the best. Dee would wait for him, he wouldn�t like it�but he would do it�Ryo hoped.
A little while later, Bikky returned home from school. He tossed his backpack into the floor and looked at Ryo quizzically, surprised to find him home so early.
Ryo pointed his finger at the school bag. �That doesn�t belong in the floor. Go put it in your room.�
Bikky grumbled and lifted the sack again. �You�re home early. I just came to pick up my basketball; I�m gonna go play for a while with some friends.�
Ryo waited until Bikky came back into the living room and patted the seat beside him. �Set that down for a minute�we need to have a talk.�
Bikky rolled his eyes and crossed to him, but kept the ball under his arm. �I ain�t in no trouble am I? I didn�t do anything, I swear!�
Ryo smiled at him. �No Bikky, you�re not in trouble�and don�t say ain�t. It *isn�t* a word. Not to mention that double negative in there. Really�don�t they teach you anything in school?�
Bikky let out a huff and flopped down onto the couch beside his foster father. He sat the ball on the floor and played with it absently with his feet. �I�m sittin� so�what do you want to talk about?�
Ryo wasn�t sure where to start, so he went with the first thing that popped into his head. �Do you want to go to college, Bikky?�
Bikky rolled his eyes. �Damn, Ryo, I�m trying to do better in school. Besides�you know I can�t get into college anyways � not with my grades, and it�s not like you can pay for it.�
Ryo remained patient. �I didn�t ask if you thought you were going to get into college. I asked if you *want* to go. Do you?�
Bikky thought for a moment before answering. When he did, his voice was small, as though the thought embarrassed him. �Well yeah, sure. I mean�of course I don�t wanna do all that work�but�growing up how I did�I wanna get out of here. I don�t wanna end up like my old man.�
�Okay� Ryo smiled. �I�ve got some big news, then. You and I are going to be leaving for upstate soon. I�m being sent there for work and they are going to pay for you to go an exclusive private academy.�
�What?� Bikky asked lamely.
�Listen� Ryo started �I didn�t have any choice in the matter. That means *we* don�t have any choice. Besides�I looked at the school and it�s an excellent opportunity for you. It�s only for nine months, and then we�ll come back. I�m sure Cal will be fine�it�s not forever.�
Bikky turned the idea over in his head. He wasn�t quite accepting, but he was intrigued. �When are we supposed to leave?�
Ryo sighed. He didn�t look forward to this part. �Wednesday at noon.�
Bikky blinked. �Wednesday. As in�today is Monday, tomorrow is Tuesday, then Wednesday. That Wednesday?�
At Ryo�s nod Bikky jumped up, shouting. �Oh hell no, Ryo! This is so not fair! I can�t say goodbye to Cal or my friends in two days! Fuck you, I�m not going!�
Ryo stood as well and tried to keep his voice calm and gentle. �We don�t have any choice, Bikky. I don�t have a choice and as your guardian you have to go where I am. I�m just as surprised as you are�and I don�t think I have to remind you what�ll happen if you use that language with me again. Moving or not, I�ll still ground you and I would think that during your last two days you�d want as much freedom as possible.�
The young man glared defiantly back at him. Ryo thought of how strong Bikky was, how his seemingly unbreakable spirit showed through in circumstances like their current one. He hoped Bikky never lost that. The glare softened a bit when Bikky realized that Ryo really didn�t have a choice and that fighting wasn�t going to do him any good. He left the basketball on the floor and spun on his heel, heading for the door.
�Where are you going?� Ryo had a good idea, but asked anyways, just to be sure.
�Cal�s�Iprolprolly be back late.�
Ryo smiled � he knew young love when he saw it. �That�s fine, but don�t be too late, okay? And call me if you go anywhere else.�
�Fine� Bikky snapped just before he walked through the door, slamming it behind him.
�Well that went better than I thought it would.� Ryo thought to himself.
**********************************************************
Seven o�clock had finally arrived and Ryo checked again to make sure everything was ready. He�d changed back into more presentable clothes � it wasn�t as though Dee hadn�t seen him looking less than pristine � it was just that tonight was�different.
He�d gone over what to say at least a million times � his dinner was ready, the table was set � now all that was missing was Dee.
Surprisingly, it was only about two minutes after when Ryo heard the knock on the door. Usually Dee was late. He didn�t have a mirror in the kitchen, so he checked himself one last time in the microwave before padding out to answer the door.
Dee was staring at the ground when he opened the door. He immediately looked up, his eyes going a little wide upon noticing that Ryo had changed clothes. He himself still had on his worn suit from work, wrinkled and smng lng like a hard day at the office. But Ryo didn�t care�he looked and smelled like�Dee.
Ryo held the door open for him, inviting him in with a warm smile. Dee smiled back at him � the place had come to feel like a second home to him and he hadn�t been there in a good while. He took off his coat, hanging it on the coat rack as he was used to doing. When the duo moved further into the house he stopped, needing to get to the point.
�Ryo, look��
Ryo held a hand up, silencing him. �Can we just eat dinner first? It�ll get cold if we start talking and I�d like to have a nice, quiet, dinner.�
Dee thought to himself that sitting through dinner with Ryo looking as he did would only delay the inevitable and make it that much worse when it came, but relented anyway. He nodded and allowed Ryo to lead him to the table where the dishes were set perfectly, as they always were every time he came over.
Dinner was�tense. The food was terrific, and Dee had missed Ryo�s cooking. He�d missed sitting quietly while Ryo cooked � marveling at how the man knew at all what he was doing. Dee had never been a good cook, and all the times he�d tried had ended up in disaster one way or another.
Ryo was always so meticulous in the kitchen. His delicate hands would chop and stir finely, never getting dirty no matter what he did with them. He would hum to himself while cooking. Dee doubted that Ryo even knew he did it, and he had no intention of enlightening him. The other man would no doubt be self-conscious about it if he knew, and Dee didn�t think he needed anything else to be embarrassed about, nor did he want him to stop the lovable habit.
Ryo took such pleasure in cooking. He *knew* that whatever he made would be better than the �food� Dee ate at his own home, yet he still always asked how it was with that hopeful gleam in his eye. Dee loved how his face lit up when he told him it was excellent and how Ryo�s modesty would kick in and he would point out the things that could have been better, knowing that Dee didn�t notice any of them, nor care.
�How is it?� Ryo asked.
�It�s�fine.� Dee replied and damned himself when he saw Ryo�s face falter for a second.
The rest of the meal continued in silence. Anyone who might look upon the two would think it a peaceful quietness.
They would think wrong.
Ryo kept alternating between his nervousness at telling Dee about both his feelings and his impending move; and wondering why the other man seemed so distant. He was brooding, almost � picking at his food and barely eating any of it.
Dee couldn�t eat much due to the back flips his stomach was doing. He didn�t even know where to begin with his approaching conversation with Ryo and he had *no* clue how things were going to go. Dee liked control and its absence made him very, very uncomfortable.
After Ryo had finished eating and realized that Dee wasn�t going to eat any more than he already had, he stood and gathered the dishes. Dee was anxious to get the proverbial ball rolling but knew that Ryo would be unable to do *anything* until the dishes had been done.
As anal retentive as it was, Dee loved that about his former partner. He had never been able to be organized. Of course he�d *wanted* to, but things justed ued up messy no matter how many times he told himself otherwise. He had to put enormous amounts of effort into keeping anything neat, and usually found it more trouble than it was worth. Ryo, however, didn�t have to try at all. His order and grace just came naturally to him and it blew Dee�s mind. As far as Dee knew, nothing about Ryo was chaotic � in his life, or his nature.
Most of him thought of it as a good thing, something that he himself didn�t understand and could never accomplish. He found that the man�s nature � opposite his own � suited him well, kept him constantly learning. Another part of him, however, found it rather passionless. Ryo got upset and angry; of course, he wouldn�t be human if he didn�t. But Dee remembered his own younger days � when he felt *so* full of life that he thought he was going to explode because his exiguous human form couldn�t contain it. He�d had such zeal for life and � though it was true it had gotten too intense at times, almost eroding him � Dee hadn�t cared at all.
He missed that feeling.
Finally, the dishes were done and the two returned to the living room. Ryo sat on the sofa and waited for Dee to sit beside him. He was disappointed when instead he sat in the armchair to the right. He noticed Dee reach up and unbutton the top two buttons of his long sleeved work shirt and the action made him want to crawl over and tell him everything right then. It wasn�t as though he hadn�t seen such a thing before, but he had never given himself the chance to appreciate the eroticism of such a gesture. He had never allowed himself to complete the thoughts that Dee started with his suggestions and kisses. Well�all that was about to change�if Dee was willing to wait for him.
He was about to take the initiative and just plunge into the conversation when Ryo noticed something.
Dee was chewing on his fingernails.
Ryo knew his former partner�s mannerisms well and knew that Dee chewed his nails when he was upset�or nervous. Dee looked up, setting his hands in his lap, oblivious to the nervous action he�d just been doing. �What did you want to talk about?�
Ryo paused, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth and teething it for a second, thinking. �Don�t worry about that right You You said you needed to talk to me about something, too. What was it?�
Dee fidgeted in his seat before speaking. �Do you love me?�
Ryo�s mouth fell open � he hadn�t been expecting him to say *that* and didn�t know how to answer. �W�what?�
Dee squirmed even more and looked everywhere *but* at Ryo. �Tell me you love me and that�ll be it. Just say it and I�ll give you whatever it is you need � patience, time, space � just�say the word and I�ll do it.�
Ryo furrowed his brow. Something was obviously wrong. �What in the hell has gotten into you? Your voice is shaking so much I can barely understand you.�
Dee took a deep breath to steady himself. �I need to hear you say it, Ryo. It�s�� his voice faltered again and he cursed his vocal cords ��it�s now or never. I need you to say it�or�or this is it. If I leave tonight�I won�t be back.�
Ryo brought a hand to his mouth, taken aback. Something had to have happened to cause such a reaction in Dee and to cause him to issue such an ultimatum. He found himself lng dng down at his lap; looking at Dee while the other man was so uneasy unnerved him. �Why�why are you�what happened?�
A pregnant, heavy, silence fell. Ryo sat, waiting, while Dee breathed heavily and fished around in his pocket for his new pack of cigarettes. Ryo could see him, in his mind�s eye, shaking one out and lighting it. Although his gaze stayed glued to his own knees, he�d seen it many times before and knew it well. He would have been mildly annoyed at Dee�s decision to smoke in his house without permission � if he could�ve focused on anything except the gnawing feeling in his gut.
Ryo heard Dee exhale the smoke from his lungs, followed by a deep breath of clean, unpolluted air. He thought he might be hearing things because he swore he heard Dee sniffle, as though he were crying.
�JJ and I�we�it was�I didn�t mean��
A honey blonde head snapped up, almost black orbs making contact with sad, green eyes. Dee took one look at the expression of grief and betrayal on Ryo�s face and let his head fall into his hands, pulling at his black hair.
Ryo found himself speaking before he meant to. �Did you � �
�No.� Dee cut him off before he could finish the thought. �But�I might have. I almost did. I�I�� Dee wanted to say he was sorry�but found himself wondering what it was he had to be sorry for.
Ryo was up and pacing in seconds. �So you came heretelltell me that? What, do you want my blessing before you actually go off and fuck him?�
Dee winced at Ryo�s comment. Ryo had to be pretty upset before he used the �F� word. �No�� he said calmly ��I needed to talk to you. I�m�confused.�
Ryo�s anger began to get the better of him � he never had been able to control his jealous streak. �So what then? You give me an ultimatum�*I* can fuck you now or you�ll just find someone else to fill your bed?�
Dee found that to be a bit much. �That�s not fair, and you *know* it. We�re never going to get anywhere if we just keep slinging mud at each other, Ryo. I came here because I needed to talk to you � if you can�t do that, I can leave.�
Ryo was sorely tempted to just throw him out, but he remembered what Dee had said about leaving�and this being the last time. He forced himself to take slow, deep, breaths. When he thought he could talk without inventing new swear words, he sat back down, still not looking at Dee. �What do you need to talk about, then?�
Dee took a moment, formulating his words. He�d sucked all the life from his cigarette and it went out on it�s own. He shoved the remains of the filter into his pocket, not having anywhere else to put it. �I can�t wait any longer, Ryo. I like JJ�I really like him and I won�t make him wait the way that I�ve had to. I think that I might have a real chance there�and I can�t waste any more time waiting for something I may never get.�
Ryo�s voice was short, curt. �Just like that, huh? One minute you�re mister bachelor and the next you�re demanding to settle down � with one person or another.�
Dee let the insult slide; he had more important things to worry about. �No�it�s not �just like that�. Do you know how hard this is for me? I�ve held on to you for so long that I feel like if I let you go, you�ll take most of me with you. Do you even know how terrifying that is?� Tears fell unbidden now, making Dee�s eyes glint in the wan light. He wiped at them absently and continued.
�I�m not �mister bachelor� as you put it. I�ve been alone for a really long time and I don�t want to do it anymore, Ryo. I�m damn near thirty and I don�t have anyone to come home to. I don�t have anyone to wake up with every morning. I have an empty, cold apartment and a life that resembles Hell just a little too closely. I don�t want to be damn near forty and feel the same way. I might as well be dead.�
He waited for Ryo to say something�anything�and nothing came. He�d resigned himself to just sitting and looking at the floor, unable to meet the other man�s eyes when finally Ryo�s soft voice floated over to him so faintly he could barely hear him.
�Do you love him?�
Dee thought on it a moment. He thought of many different things to say, but in the end he went with the truth. �I don�t know�maybe.�
He quickly amended. �I know that I�m not *in* love with him�� He didn�t finish, but hoped Ryo would hear the implication anyways.
Ryo began rambling. He had so many questions, and doubted even Dee knew the answers himself. �Why now? Why so sudden? How did all this happen? You knew how JJ felt before�why did it never matter then?�
Dee shrugged his shoulders. �I don�t know�it just�happened. I�d like to tell you that if I had known it would end up this way I would have avoided it�but I can�t. I don�t know that I would. JJ�s very�honest. He brings out a side of me that I�d almost forgotten existed. He�he *loves* me, Ryo. I�d forgotten what it felt like to be loved, touched. I�d convinced myself that I could live without it, but I *can�t* and I don�t want to.�
Dee�s words evoked a sadness in Ryo. It wasn�t just the grief at having Dee�s affections turned away from him, to some degree, but more�a sorrow born from looking into Dee�s eyes as he spoke. Ryo had experienced loss at an early age, true, but he�d always had a loving home and he realized that for the last two years he�d been surrounded by love as well�Dee�s love�and he�d been so careless with it.
�So what are you doing here then? Why even bother explaining all this? You know you don�t owe me anything.�
Dee looked hurt at the words. He let his hands grip his hair again, sniffling occasionally. �Because I�ve invested so much in this�in you. Because you hold a part of me that I can�t give to anyone else until you give it back. Because I love you.�
Ryo felt his own eyes tear. When he reached up to wipe them away he noticed a previous wetness, though he hadn�t remembered crying before then. It hardly mattered. He wanted to grip Dee by his shirt; he wanted to smooth back his hair and kiss his face. He wanted to tell him that he was sorry, that he understood now what he hadn�t before.
He wanted to�but he didn�t.
The fact that Ryo had to leave was still staring him in the face. Nine months was a long time and although Dee said he was willing to wait Ryo couldn�t find himself able to open his mouth and tell his former partner to do so. He looked like an archangel, Ryo decided, strong and ethereal even though his wings were broken.
He loathed JJ at that moment, more so than before. But he found himself unable to blame the man for loving Dee, and actually thought him a bit insightful, having seen it so much sooner than Ryo himself did. Ryo sat silently for a long, long moment, thinking hard.
He had to leave�there was no getting around that. He thought about Dee and JJ, and new batch of tears met his eyes. He could see them together easily, laughing, carefree and easy in a way that Ryo simply couldn�t be, just yet. He was sure Dee could easily wait nine months for him; he even had no doubts about the man�s fidelity while he would be gone. However, he was uncertain that he could *ever* give him what JJ gave him. Ryo didn�t think he would ever be as comfortable with what he was JJ had managed to be. And, as Dee had mentioned earlier�JJ loved him�and Ryo knew it to be true. JJ did love Dee�deeply.
Ryo studied Dee for a moment. He looked so beautiful, his tears slipping out silently. Ryo realized, vaguely, that he had never seen Dee cry before that moment. He thought that he might go blind � as though the sight was something not meant for human eyes and now he�d been privy to some secret of the universe that he wasn�t supposed to know. He decided that he didn�t want Dee to look like that ever again. He decided that Dee deserved more than he�d received for the last miserable two years of his life.
Dee deserved to be loved.
It was in that moment that Ryo realized that he did love Dee. He wasn�t sure when it happened�but there it was, staring him in the face and poking at his insides so hard he thought he might be sick. He swallowed, hard, and looked again at the only person he�d ever loved enough to let go.
�Dee� he broke the silence.
Dee looked up, sniffing once and pushing his bangs out of his eyes. �Yeah?�
�What I wanted to talk to you about tonight�I wanted to tell you�that I�m not ready. I�I don�t know that I ever will be.�

ee�see�s lip quivered uncontrollably for a second before he completely broke down. He brought a hand up to cover his eyes, not wanting to let Ryo see him cry so openly. �A�are you�s�s...sure?�
Ryo found himself shaking with sobs as well, but he fought hard to keep his voice under control. �Yes�I�m�I�m sure.�
Dee was bent over in his seat, almost hugging his knees. �I just�I�god damnit�� The rest of what he said became incoherent as the lump in his throat overtook his vocal cords.
Ryo turned away, biting his lip so hard it bled. He wanted so badly to just take it all back, to wrap Dee in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But everything was *not* going to be okay�and how could he possibly take back the last two years?
Ryo kept his eyes averted, and his nails dug into his palms so hard he just *knew* he was bleeding. He knew if he looked at Dee he would crumble.
�I guess you had better leave now.�
Dee nodded, his hand still covering his eyes. It took him several moments, but eventually he wiped furiously at his eyes, sniffling all the while. He stood and walked over to where Ryo was standing, looking the other man in the eye. �I�� he started, but didn�t finish. Instead he pulled him close, eliminating all space between them.
The kiss was unlike any that had come before it. Lips and teeth and tongue met as they always had, but this had something�some force behind it that Ryo had never experienced before. Perhaps it was desperation; perhaps it was simply that Dee knew he had nothing to lose anymore. Ryo reached his hand up, eager to bury it into the silken ebony locks he knew so well�and pushed Dee away. The feeling in that kiss had been too much for him � he knew that if he let his hand give in, the rest of him would soon follow.
He knew he would surrender completely to the brutal emotions that threatened his sanity�and where would they be then? Ryo would still be gone in two days, and Dee would still be without the contact he so desperately craved. Ryo wished that there was something he could say to make up for the two years � something he could do to make himself miraculously capable of giving Dee the kind of open and honest love he deserved. He wished�and wished�and nothing came.
In spite of his retreat from their kiss, he let his fingers linger on the other man�s arm, needing the contact for just a little bit longer. Finally, he smiled sadly and pulled away completely.
�Goodnight, Dee.�
Dee�s mouth remained open, his jaw locked and his face contorted in grief and bewilderment. After a while his expression changed � it looked more like the face he wore when dealing with Rose � resigned and defiant both at the same time. Dee grabbed his jacket and blazer, slinging them over his arm and opg thg the door. Before he could leave he had to ask�one more time. He turned slightly, his back still to Ryo.
�I won�t be back. If I tell him I�m staying, I�ll stay. This�� His voice gave out and he battled to get it under his command once again ��this is it, you know.�
Ryo couldn�t answer. He looked down, waiting for Dee to leave and when he finally did Ryo waited still. He waited for Dee�s footsteps to make it down the hall. He waited by the window until he saw the other man�s form out on the street. He waited until he drove away.
After what felt like centuries, but had only been years of waiting�Ryo heard a wail leave him. It sounded far away, as though it had come from someone else, someone he didn�t know. Perhaps he *didn�t* know this person. He hadn�t known, for example, that he was capable of such pain, such fear�such love. If he had known just a little bit better he wouldn�t have been sitting, crumpled on the floor, wanting to tear his own heart out just to make it stop hurting *so* much. How could he even begin to claim to know himself�he didn�t know *anything*.
************************************************************

TBC
Oh dear. I�ve written some pretty fucked up stuff�and this *points up* was the *first* thing that I have written to make me cry. I�m bawling like a baby�this is *so* not cool. That�s what I get for writing a chapter to Ani DiFranco�s The Reckoning.
Please don�t kill me�I know many of you want to. But trust me�I�ve taken good care of you so far, right?
Anyways�.this is important.
THIS IS NOT OVER!
Far from, actually. Let me repeat�*not* over. Not over. Not over.
Got it? Okay�good. Keep reading�please please keep reading. There is so much to come. The next chapter will be soon, I promise. I�ve been on a roll lately. Started this hours ago, but got it done in one sitting.
This one was way longer than I had imagined it would be.
Oh, btw�if anyone even cares. The song I had in mind for when Dee is driving is �School Night� by Ani DiFranco. I hadn�t intended to do that, but listening to it today I realized how perfect it was.
Please read and review.

Lo
Love and Kisses,
Reika
P.S. IT�S NOT OVER!
- 10
- 11
- 12
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

The Time For Change Is Now