Something In-Between

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters.

NC-17

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Note: As usual, AshCat and Kri made this chapter happen. Without them this whole story would be drab and empty. You two are so different, you both really keep me on my toes and I need that! I’m so very lucky that you both take time out of your busy schedules to help me. I don’t even know how to tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you so much, my lovely betas!

Something In-Between

Chapter 11
A Stroke of Luck Part 2

You say that you'll be there to catch me
Or will you only try to trap me?
These are the rules I make
Our chains were meant to break
You'll never change me

Here comes the cold again
I feel it closing in
You're falling down and
All around me falling

Stroke of luck or a gift from God?
Hand of fate or devil's claws?
From below or saints above?
You come to me now

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sitting on the bed, I watched my beautiful lover sleep with a peaceful, sweet look on his face. I hoped I wouldn’t make him worry too much by disappearing like this. I kissed him one last time and rubbed the remaining dampness from my eyes before I stood up, heading for the door with my bag.

I knew that, with K around and on alert, I would have to sneak out of the hotel. If I were caught trying to take off, K and Tohma would become even more extreme in monitoring me. I wouldn’t be allowed to go anywhere without several ‘escorts.’ Even the time I would spend with Eiri would be supervised. I was sure Eiri would have a thing or two to say about being watched, and he might even be able to strong arm Tohma into leaving us alone, but I seriously doubted he could stop both Tohma and K.

Besides, I knew my bosses very well at this point in my life. If Eiri did put his foot down and demand we be left alone, Tohma and K would resort to more… spy-like operations. That would make me paranoid and edgy. Eiri and I didn’t stand a chance of working things out with those two lurking around, ready to interfere at the drop of Tohma’s hat. To top the situation off, I wasn’t certain I wanted to work things out. Yet. Maybe. I thought I might want to, but that was exactly why I needed to get away for a while. I needed to let myself think about everything, without the irritation of Tohma and K and their watchfulness and without Eiri to muddle my brain.

If I stayed, I would essentially become a prisoner. For some reason, all that watching and keeping tabs on me made me want to run even more. I did not like having limitations set on my freedom. And while I could understand Tohma and K’s concerns, I didn’t need the added burden of being in lockdown at the moment. That would only serve to make me paranoid and edgy tacked on to miserable and crazy. And frankly, that was not the state of mind I desired to be in when making a possibly life-altering decision.

So, here I was, trying to sneak out of the hotel without raising suspicion. And because I wished to be as stealthy as possible, I didn’t take very much with me. The small bag I carried contained some clothing, my wallet, my legal papers, and a few pieces of jewelry. Surprisingly, I took my cell phone as well; but it was turned off. I worked my way cautiously out of the hotel and to my appointed meeting place with Miki.

I did feel more than a little guilty for slipping Eiri that sleeping pill, but part of me knew that he wouldn’t sleep without it, even if I had stayed. He looked so tired and he’d been through so much, he really needed to sleep.

And maybe if I kept rationalizing my behavior like this, I’d start to believe my excuses.

What was I doing? Was I running away?

Yes and no. Yes, I felt trapped and scared, I was sick with everything I was responsible for. And no, because this felt different from all the other times I had run away. This time I felt that all I needed was a little space in order to sort out my unholy mess of a life.

I also needed time away from my meddlesome pack of friends and co-workers. I had already caused them all so much pain and worry, and I knew my departure would only add to their concerns, especially in light that our tour was scheduled to begin in a little under two weeks. But I really needed this. I hoped they could manage to forgive me one more time.

Most of all I needed time away from Eiri. Just being in the same room with him confused me. He always managed to short-circuit my higher brain functions by simply being close to me. It was something about his spicy scent that did it, I think. Or maybe his deep, sexy voice that always melted my will. Maybe it was the fact that his touch was electrifying. Or maybe…

Miki cut my thoughts off as she whispered sharply, “Earth to Shu!”

I looked up. She was in a bright, neon blue Mini Cooper with her hand sticking out of the window, waving me towards her.

After scrambling to collect my things, I jumped up and ran to the car.

She shook her head at me as I slid into my seat, “You were a million miles away. You’re lucky one of K’s minions didn’t spy you.” She stepped on the gas and we sped away.

“Oh yeah,” I snarled back, “like you’re so undercover in your electric blue car.”

“Hey, shut up! I like this car,” She snapped back. “Besides, no one knows about my ‘hideout.’ Not even Haru.”

“Really? Very James Bond of you. Wish I’d thought of having my own ‘hideout’ in Tokyo,” I sighed. “So, you know this drill better than I do, what do we do first?”

She made a sharp right and drove over a curb, bouncing me out of my seat so hard I cracked my head on the roof. I put my seatbelt on. It was clear right away that Miki was a terrible driver. Eiri and Kyo might scare the hell out of me, but at least they knew what they are doing behind the wheel of a car. Miki was carelessly insane. I was pretty sure that even I could drive better, a truly frightening thought.

“Oops, sorry. I guess I should wear my glasses at night, like I’m supposed to,” she grinned at me.

Oh good. That made me feel better. I grabbed the seat and hung on, the pain in my stomach suddenly flaring to life again.

Miki smirked at me, as she slammed on the brakes and we came to a sudden halt in front of a bank. “First thing we need to do is get you some money. They’ll be hunting you through your cards so you need cash. This isn’t far from the hotel, so they’ll know you were here, but big deal.”

As I drained as much cash out of the machine as it would allow, I thought about Miki and about how women had the ability to be so much more sneakier than men. I had noticed that difference with Maiko and Mirai, as well. Women were always thinking of all the different angles instead of in a straight line like men did. It was fascinating and pretty clever.

When I got back into the car I said, “Miki, how often do you do this?”

She sighed as she leaned forward against the steering wheel, “Not as often as I used to. But Haru and me, we have a similar relationship to you and Yuki. It’s very volatile and sometimes, I just can’t take it. We break up and get back together, we’re bad for each other, but we can’t seem to stop ourselves.”

Bad for each other. Were Eiri and I bad for each other? We certainly affected everyone around us negatively. Maybe we were bad for each other, sharing our poisons, a toxic love.

“Are you…are you together now?” I asked quietly.

She put the car in gear and squealed out of the parking lot, “No. He… has someone else now.”

“I’m sorry, Miki,” I said quietly and I really wanted to cry. I had made her feel bad, wasn’t that typical? No matter what I seemed to do, I brought pain to everyone around me.

“Not as sorry as I am, Shu,” she answered. “We treated each other like shit, no wonder he found someone else. If I had it to do all over again… Well, no sense in going down that road.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Her pain echoed my own so well. I supposed it was good reminder that I was not the only one in the world that had ever been hurt.

“So,” she smiled as she changed the subject. “In honor of my break-up and in order to reclaim some part of myself, I’m planning on getting my eyebrow pierced tomorrow night. Would you like to join me?”

“Hell, yeah,” I smiled in return and then asked. “Why not your navel?”

Reaching for a cigarette she grinned, “Already pierced. As are my nipples and my ears. You?”

“Just my nipple,” it wasn’t a secret after all. The tabloids went crazy with that juicy bit of fluff when the first picture revealed the ring adorning my nipple. It was a pretty lame thing for them to get excited about, really.

A new piercing. Hmm.

“Why don’t you get your ears done?” Miki asked.

“I promised my mother I wouldn’t,” I smiled with the lie. The real reason was because Eiri had his ear pierced. Not to mention Ryuichi.

“Eyebrow?”

“No. Kyo has his eyebrow done. Eiri would probably freak out because of that,” I sighed.

“Your other nipple?” She quirked her eyebrow as she narrowly avoided a gigantic pothole in the road.

I shook my head, “No. One of that is enough.”

Tipping her head towards my crotch she said, “What about…”

That was as far as she got before I put my hands defensively over my lap and shouted in horror, “Gods, no! Some things should not be messed with!”

She started laughing, “Okay! Okay. I guess I won’t tell you about the rest of my piercings.”

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t,” I shuddered. Miki was a wild thing, all right.

“Why don’t you get your navel pierced?” she offered.

“My…” I looked at her, “You don’t think it’s too girly?”

“Are you kidding?” She shook her head, “I love navel piercings on guys. Totally hot.”

“Ya think?” Hmm. I liked this idea. Except for Miki, no one else I knew in my life had their belly button pierced. And it wasn’t like my nipple, it wasn’t so… sexual. “How bad does it hurt?”

“Not nearly as bad as your nipple piercing did, I can guarantee that,” she grinned.

I thought about it for a few minutes and finally said, “Okay, I’m in.”

That night we stayed at her “hideaway.” It was a little one bedroom flat, but it was clean and in a fairly quiet part of town. I slept on the sofa bed, or at least I tried to. It had been several days since I had slept, but my mind would not slow down long enough to let me rest.

It had never been my intention to go to Amsterdam, that had been my code word for “Help,” and to hopefully throw Ryuichi off of my trail. Miki and I had talked about it several times. She understood that Eiri reappearing in my life would fuck with my head. I hadn’t told her about Yokohama yet and she hadn’t asked. She knew something bad had happened and she was letting me deal with it at my own pace. Giving me the space I needed to work through it.

I loved her for that.



The next day, she took me shopping for clothes and essential items. I loved shopping with Miki. She helped me pick out some shamelessly low-riding brown leather pants and a couple of crazy, barely-there shirts. Luckily, she had a fit every time I mentioned shorts to her.

To this day, K and Sakano still tried to get me to wear those goofy short shorts from the early days of Bad Luck. I had outgrown the style long ago, but they continued to try and get me to revisit that hideous fashion. Did they not see that the image no longer fit me? That happy, innocent, childlike Shuichi was long dead. All that was left of that person, that Shuichi, were ghostly images on aging CD covers.

Miki understood that the Shuichi that wore sunny smiles and childlike clothing was gone. She was harsh and dismissive of anyone that could not see that.

While we shopped, I tried not to think about how worried everyone would be. My remorse bothered me so much that I decided I should send off a quick email telling everyone I was okay and planned on returning well before the tour was scheduled to start. I was sure the email would work to lift at least a portion of my guilt. After discussing it, the two of us stopped at an internet café by Miki’s flat and I did just that. I hadn’t been brave enough to listen to the messages on my phone yet.

I also sent Eiri a quick, more personal email explaining that I needed a little time to work things out. I wasn’t sure if it would soothe his anger or not, but I hoped so. Besides, as far as I was concerned, Eiri owed me the courtesy of a little time. I was sure it wouldn’t take me a year and a half to come back.

Later that night we went to get our piercings. We walked a few blocks from where the car was parked, passing through a seedy and questionable neighborhood to arrive the all night tattoo-piercing parlor. We passed a bar that had neon sign in the window, only half-lit, the other half sputtering to life occasionally with a loud whine. I watched as a dark figure moved furtively through a darkened alleyway. I looked questioningly at my friend, but Miki shrugged and assured me that she had checked it out thoroughly and the parlor’s reputation was terrific.

Once inside, I had to agree with her. It was clean and I could smell the antiseptic in the air, a decidedly good sign for a tattoo parlor. I was encouraged to watch as a young man received a tongue piercing. I found I couldn’t refuse, my own morbid fascination getting the better of me as I watched in rapt horror. It was… interesting. I briefly thought about getting my own tongue pierced, but as a singer, I didn’t think it wise. Besides, I was certain K would kill me if I did.

As we had decided earlier, Miki went first with her eyebrow. I was once again a spectator as she was pierced quickly and efficiently. Satisfied that the staff knew what they were doing, I let them give me my belly button adornment. It did hurt, but as Miki had mentioned, it wasn’t nearly as painful as the nipple piercing.

Earlier in the day, while we were shopping, I had picked out a platinum starter barbell that had dark pink sapphires at either end. Once I healed, I would get some charms and maybe something more eye catching to wear. My skin was bright red and starting to discolor a bit as I looked at my new accessory in the mirror, but I still loved it. Miki was right; it did make me feel as if I had reclaimed my body, a part of myself.

I looked over at Miki and smiled, “Good idea, Miki. Thanks.”

“Like I said Shu, it’s hot.” She grinned and then nodded at my exposed stomach, “For fuck’s sake, Shu, you are covered with hickeys! I noticed it earlier on your neck when we were shopping, but it looks like Yuki got you everywhere.”

“I know,” I blushed as I hastily lowered my shirt, covering my many love bites. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, there was always something left over to remind me of Eiri. And even when the imprints from his attentions faded away, I would continue to remain marked deep inside by Eiri and my relationship with him. All that he was – and all that he still is – burned into my soul.

“Is that why you’ve been moving kind of slow today, too?” Miki’s brown eyes sparkled with her teasing.

I felt my face burn with embarrassment, “Hey, it had been a while for both of us and I’m not used to it anymore!”

She raised her newly pierce eyebrow and then grimaced in pain at the action. “Really? Is he insatiable?” she laughed.

I nodded, “Yeah, insatiable would be a good description of Eiri.”

“But also,” she thankfully changed the subject, “you need to eat, look at your hipbones sticking out. You’re way too scrawny.”

“Yeah, yes, mother.” I said as I grinned at her, endorphins still surging through me, “Hey, come on. Let’s go dancing.”



My breath was ragged and my knuckles were bleeding as I stood over the prone, unconscious body of the man I had just hit. Miki was tugging on my arm, whispering in Japanese that we needed to leave now, before the authorities arrived.

I looked up and studied the crowd watching us with what amounted to impartial boredom. I had been in enough club brawls to be a fairly good judge of crowd reactions and I didn’t think there would be any authorities coming. Nonetheless, I did not wish to press my luck.

And we’d been having such a good time. After the piercing, Miki took me to this dance club that played primarily Bhangra music. [1] It was wonderful music to dance to and I let myself be taken along. Miki had scored some Ecstasy outside the club, but I was still riding the pain-induced high from the piercing so I refused her offer. Besides, I wasn’t sure how my weakened physical state would handle any extra stress.

As we danced, I spied a tall, blond man as he moved with arrogant grace through the crowd. I caught my breath, was it Eiri?

No, it couldn’t be Eiri.

I watched as the wolf-like person stalked the crowd, choosing his prey for the evening. His head turned my direction and his bright blue eyes locked on mine. No, it wasn’t Eiri. But he was so like Eiri, I couldn’t tear my gaze away from him.

“Shu?” Miki shouted in my ear as she turned to see what had caused me to stop dancing. “I see. Hey, he kind of looks like Yuki,” she said with concern. “Be careful, Shu. Danger ahead.”

She was right. I didn’t need this trouble. I turned away from the Eiri knock-off and began dancing with Miki again. The man was quickly forgotten.

That is, until we stopped to have a drink and he joined us.

Up close, he looked even more like Eiri. It was completely unnerving. He introduced himself to me and Miki. His name was Soren and he was Swedish. He told me that he had been watching me all night and he really wanted to dance with me.

His voice was not quite as deep, he was a little taller and his hair lighter, but he was so much like Eiri, they could have been brothers…

Whoa. That thought brought me around like a slap in the face.

I smiled my fake smile and told him I wasn’t interested in men. At least, I think that’s what I said. Miki smoothed it over for me and told Soren that I was her boyfriend.

He smiled patiently and explained that he knew who we were. He spoke to us about Suspended Animation and Bad Luck and our upcoming tour. Both Miki and I were both so thrilled to find someone in Europe that knew about our music, that we fell into a long conversation with him. Apparently, Soren’s job was in entertainment promotions so he knew all about the “Three Bands from Japan Tour.”

Later on, while Miki was on the dance floor, Soren and I had a few more drinks together. He told me that he had followed Bad Luck’s story through the years and he knew that I’d had male lovers in the past. He also told me that he was attracted to me although he understood that I wasn’t interested in him. But wouldn’t I consider just one dance?

He had turned out to be witty and utterly charming, it seemed harmless enough, so I agreed. Soren turned out to be as graceful on the dance floor as I expected him to be and one dance became two and three, and then four. We laughed and drank and danced, Miki joining us on several occasions. I was having a wonderful time.

And then, he spoiled the evening by proving to be the wolf I had pegged him to be in the beginning. He grabbed my ass and I pushed him away and left the dance floor. I could see Miki was at the bar and I made my way towards her. But Soren had other plans, as he followed me and grabbed my arm. Miki saw what was happening and ran over to us just as he spun me around, leaned forward and tried to kiss me.

I went absolutely crazy and I hit him. I watched with my normal detached boredom as he fell to the floor with the force of my blow. But immediately I realized that there was something wrong, the asshole was still conscious. I stared in surprise as I flexed my hand, my ‘fabled’ right cross, the punch that everyone feared, had let me down. I supposed it was a testament to my illness; I was so weak that one hit wouldn’t be enough to take this bastard out.

Instead, I opted for kicking him in the ribs while he was down. Fucking Eiri look-a-like, grabbing my ass like that! All the rage that I had held tethered tight inside me broke loose and I kicked him again and again, harder and harder as he groaned and rolled to his side, trying to protect himself. When I finally stopped, the dumb ass actually sat up. He had a look of total confusion as he clutched at his ribs in obvious pain. I leaned over and the next time I hit him, he went out.

That’s when I came to my senses. My head cleared and I followed Miki out of the club and to her car. She didn’t say anything as she started the car and tore out of the parking lot.

Well, that could have gone better. And now, I’d made problems for Miki.

She didn’t speak as we drove to her flat, and I didn’t either. After all, what do you say? Sorry I just made a public spectacle of myself and drew attention when we were trying to be under cover?

I sighed.

“Shuichi,” she finally started quietly, “what exactly was that all about?”

“You saw it,” I snapped. “That fucker tried to kiss me!”

“Shuichi, that’s not what I’m asking about,” she glanced over at me.

“Then what are you asking?” I said in exasperation.

“I want to know why you were yelling all those things at him.”

“I wasn’t yelling,” I snarled at her. Had I been yelling? I thought back, yeah, maybe…

She pulled the car into her parking spot and turned towards me, “Shuichi, you were screaming weird things about ‘How dare you leave me all alone!’ and ‘I won’t let you hurt me again!’ stuff like that.”

“I…” my mouth fell open. “I did?”

She nodded, “Yes, Shu, you did. And you said something about keeping your heart safe and you wouldn’t ever trust ‘him’ again. Were you talking about Yuki?”

My head rolled back against the seat, “I don’t remember that. I just remember being furious and wanting to kill him. After all, he left me all alone and he wouldn’t even speak to me! He wouldn’t even answer my letters! That hurt me so bad… I really wanted to die…” I trailed off in confusion. Soren hadn’t hurt me and he certainly hadn’t left me. I was talking about…

“Oh, shit, Miki,” I grabbed my stomach. “I must be going crazy.”

“Shuichi…” Miki looked closely at me. “Are you okay? You look like you’re going to…”

I started coughing and I threw the door of the Mini open, sliding out onto my hands and knees and leaning over retching...

“Shuichi! Oh my god!” Miki ran around and tried to help, spying the blood right away. “Jesus, Shuichi, we need to take you to the hospital.”

“No!” I screamed, “No hospital! There’s nothing wrong with me!”

“Like hell, there isn’t!” She screamed back. “You are sick! Now get back into the car and I’ll take you to the hospital.”

“NO!” I managed to get to my feet and I started to stagger away, picking up speed with each step. “I’ll be fine!”

“Where are you going, you stubborn little fool?” she shouted after me. “Shuichi, come back!”

I was running again. Running away from the last person that I had been willing to trust at the moment. Running away from everyone and everything I had done in the past two years. I had hurt so many people, what difference did it make if I added Miki to the long list of people who I had used and disappointed?

After a few minutes, I stopped running but the tears still came along with that horrible pain in my stomach that never quit anymore. I had to stop again, forced to steady myself against the walls of a building as I gagged and retched one more time.

And then, as if on cue, it started to rain. It wasn’t a heavy rain; it was more like a wet fog that collected into fine droplets on my skin. As I wandered through the streets of London, I realized with sorrow that I was hopelessly lost, both inside and out. I also realized that my strength had left me and for the first time since my illness began, I was frightened that I was, indeed, very sick. I hadn’t eaten or slept well in many days and the pain had gone from persistently tolerable to constant agony.

Finally, I stumbled into a small park and sat on the nearest bench under a street lamp, the fog and mist settled around me like a mantle. I was suddenly sure that I was dying and I stretched out on the bench, trying to ease the pain a bit. Well, this was not how I thought I would go. I closed my eyes, the chill and rain seeping into my bones, as I waited for death.

However, it seemed that death would not be rushed, and after shivering on the bench for what seemed like a lifetime, I began to hallucinate. I could hear music, well, I always hear music in my head but this was clear and strong. It was David Bowie singing “Let’s Dance,” and I was suddenly desperate to talk to Eiri. I decided that before I died, I wanted to hear Eiri’s voice one last time. It took me about three tries before I actually got the phone to work, between my weakness and my shivering. He answered immediately; it was almost dawn, so he must have been writing. I’m not sure what we talked about, but I know I told him I loved him. And knowing me, I probably said it a million times.

And then I started coughing again.

When I woke up, I was dry and warm on Miki’s couch and she was sitting in the chair across from me, watching me intently, worry lines etched in her pretty face.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Better,” I said as I sat up. “I think. What happened?”

“I found you in the park,” she looked tired. “You are really sick, Shu.”

I started to protest and she threw up her hands, “I know, I know. No hospitals. But you look a little better, now. It’s a good thing you didn’t wander any further, otherwise, I’m not sure I could have gotten you home again. Let me get you some miso.”

“I can do it,” I said as I started to sit up.

“No, Shu,” she smiled thinly, “please. Let me.”

She brought me a cup of miso and sat next to me on the couch and hugged me gently. After I finished the soup, I told her about everything. Hiro. Ryu. The dozens of fanboys I fucked, the many brawls I started, my long worrisome disappearances, my drug abuse, my destruction of motor vehicles.

And finally, without trying to stop the flow of tears, I told her about Eiri and Yokohama. My anger at him, the fight we’d had, him leaving me while I was in the hospital, my wish to die after he was gone. My time of healing with Kyo, quickly followed by Kyo’s abrupt departure and my insane behavior afterwards. Eiri reappearing magically after I thought I was over him. Our fight over Kyo and our despicable actions that followed. My total and utter confusion between my bitter hatred and my everlasting love for Eiri. I told her everything.

I was dry-eyed and exhausted when I finished. It was an epic story and after the full telling of it, I could hardly believe that I had lived it. It had been an agonizing two years, and repeating it out loud had been painful, yet somehow healing. While I recalled all the details, I realized for the first time that I had a right to feel wounded.

When I was done, I noticed that Miki was crying, “Wow. I don’t know how you survived all that, Shu. I mean, I’d heard bits of it, mostly fluffy little stories about you from Kyo, but, holy fuck, I had no idea the story was so full of anguish. That is worthy of Greek tragedy status.”

“So…” I looked into her eyes, “You don’t think I was just overreacting?”

“Why would you say that?”

“If I had just talked to Eiri about Yokohama,” I exhaled, “none of this would have happened. No fight at the NG party, no hospital, Eiri would not have left, Kyo wouldn’t have been an issue; do you see where I’m going?”

“Yes I do. But you don’t know what would have happened, it might have been something else that tore you apart, so how can you worry about it? It’s too late to change it now. Besides, it sounds like Yuki continued to follow you. Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Yes, it does. But don’t forget that it took him a year and a half to do it. And how do I know he won’t just come to his senses one day and leave me again?” I said bitterly.

“Miki shook her head, “You are a fool, Shuichi.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” I sighed. I was so tired.

“That man loves you. And you love him. What’s stopping you?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’m really scared, Miki. I don’t want to be hurt again.”

She snorted, “Who isn’t scared and who wants to be hurt? Do you really believe Yuki isn’t scared? He’s probably shaking in his shoes.”

“Eiri scared?” the thought had never seriously occurred to me before. “You think?”

Nodding she said, “Yes. You’re vulnerable and easy to hurt when you are in love. Being afraid is simply part of the same equation, dumb ass.”

Dumb ass. I smiled. She was so much like Eiri I couldn’t help but love her.

“Do you think he still wants me, Miki? After everything I’ve done to him?” I asked, swallowing the lump in my throat.

This time she laughed out right, “After everything you’ve done to him? It sounds as if he hurt you quite a bit in return. And after witnessing your little display at the club, I’d say you’ve still got some serious anger towards him. Can you get past that? Can you forgive him for all those horrible things he did to you?”

“I think so…” I said slowly as I thought about it. “Yeah, maybe. I don’t know, to be honest.”

She was smiling now, “Look, Shuichi, I’m not saying it will be easy, but it does seem that he wants to be with you. Maybe the question you should be asking is if you can forgive yourself. I think that’s your biggest hurdle at the moment.”

“Why would that matter so much?” I grumbled.

“Because,” she growled, “if you can’t manage to forgive yourself, you’ll always be second guessing if Yuki has forgiven you, and even his reasons for being with you. I know it sounds strange, but if you can’t forgive yourself, how can you believe that someone else will forgive you?”

“But I don’t know how to do that!” I said in exasperation.

“Then tell that to Yuki, not me, you idiot. Maybe together the two of you can figure it out,” she gave me a melancholy smile.

“I’m sorry, Miki. This is hard for you isn’t it?” I asked quietly.

“You know, Shu,” she smiled brighter, “not really. Helping you has actually made me feel a little better about what I’m going through.”

“Really? It seems like it would make it hurt more. I’m sorry if it has. I seem to bring misery wherever I go.”

She sighed, “Stop being so dramatic, you moron. You know me well enough by now to know that I don’t do things I don’t want to. Believe it or not, my selfish little friend, the world does not revolve around what you do and say.”

“What?” I said with a huff. “That was kind of mean.”

“But it’s true,” she grinned as if she was speaking to a child. “Do you think that everyone sits around miserable because of you?”

“I don’t…”

“Is Nakano crying over you? What about Kyo?”

“No,” I shook my head. “In fact the last time I was around those two they were… Oh!” I smiled. “I think I understand what you’re trying to say.”

“Do you? See, Kyo and Nakano, they have both moved on. As did all those other people. Time didn’t stand still because you hurt them.”

She was right. Kyo and Hiro, they were okay. And we were all friends again. There had been times when things were unpleasant and tense, but we had gotten past it and they had both forgiven me. They still loved me. It was a lot to think about, but I was starting to grasp what Miki was telling me.

“Hey, after a while let’s go to the café and see if Yuki sent you an email.”

“Email? Yeah, okay.” I said. That was a good idea.

“First though, we need to tend to your piercing and then we both need some sleep,” she pushed my hair off my forehead and gave me a sisterly kiss. “I wish someone loved me as much as Yuki loves you, Shu. You’re very lucky.”

Lucky? I was lucky? Was she loony? Did she listen to what I just told her?

Then I thought about it. He had waited for me. And I thought about our two nights of passion in London. Eiri giving me everything he could. Even back home, before the nightmare saga of Kyosuke reared its ugly head, he had given me so much. He had worked so hard to get me back and to prove his love to me. Was I the only one who hadn’t seen his devotion?

We had some serious problems and trust would be a long time coming, but maybe, just maybe, we could try again.

And I couldn’t fool myself anymore. Eiri was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. In spite of all the pain and suffering, I wanted to be with Eiri.

With that thought, I felt as if my heart started to beat again, as if I suddenly started to breathe again. I felt as if I had just woken up from a long nightmare to the comfort of seeing the sun.

There was a very good possibility that I would get the emotional shit kicked out of me again, but that was a better option than the empty shell of a life I had been living. And at least I would be with Eiri. Anything I had to face was worth being with Eiri.

Eiri. I felt my body relax as I made my decision. I let out a tired sigh as my eyes slid closed and, for the first time in many days, I slept.



Later on, when I was somewhat refreshed from some sleep, a shower, and some food, Miki and I made our way to the café.

I was nervous when I sat down in front of the computer and called up my email account. The usual stuff was there, mom and Maiko, but there were also emails from Hiro, K, and Suguru. There were three other items of particular note as well. Two emails from Eiri and one from that rat-bastard Tatsuha!

I called up the first from Eiri. It was a response to my email asking for time.


Shuichi,

Take your time. I’ll be here when you are ready.

Eiri

Against my better judgment, I opened Tatsuha’s email. There were only three words and an attachment.


A peace offering.


I opened the attachment and a picture materialized. It was a picture of Eiri sleeping on his couch with that innocent, sweet look on his face. His left arm was flung over his head, but his right arm… My cat was lying against my lover’s right side, his head and front paws resting on Eiri’s chest. Eiri’s right arm loosely embraced the cat, holding him close.

I had never seen either of them look so peaceful. It was almost unbelievable.

Hmm. Well, I couldn’t thank Tatsuha. Forget that. But I did appreciate the picture. I would have to think about how to respond. If I responded.

Ignoring everyone else, I opened Eiri’s second email.


Shuichi,

After our phone conversation from this morning, I think you should see a doctor right away.

If you want me to go with you to the doctor, I will.

Come home to me soon.

See a doctor. Call me. Something. Anything! I think I’ll go crazy soon if you don’t.

Eiri


I was surprised by his admission about being worried. But then again, he never was very good at waiting. Although, on the flip side he’d never had a problem making me wait, the selfish bastard. I smiled with my thoughts and sent him a quick reply.

“Shu?” Miki said quietly across the table from me after I finished. “Is everything okay?”

I smiled wider, “Yes, Miki. It is.”

She smiled back, “You’re going ‘home’ tonight, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I took her hand. “One last night of dancing with my Miki. I’ll tell you before I make the call.”

Shaking her head she said, “No, I’m ready to go back, too.”

“You’re sure? I don’t want to rush you,” I said quietly.

“Dumb ass. What have I told you?” she glared at me.

Grinning, I answered, “That you don’t ever do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Finally! You really are an idiot sometimes,” she smiled to take the sting out of her words.

“Yeah, I know. But you love me because I am an idiot.” Just like Eiri, I thought internally.

We both started to chuckle. Our chuckles continued until they became full blown laughter. We both laughed like maniacs for several minutes.

“Come on, moron, let’s go,” she still smiled. “I know the perfect place.”


I was too weak and sick to dance for more than a couple of songs. The club was rocking, it had several raised daises with spiraling staircases dotted the floor. Spinning lights and thrumming techno music made the perfect combination. Maybe I would return when I felt better.

Stepping just outside the door, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Eiri’s number. Voicemail. I sighed but left him a short message giving him the address and telling him that I wanted him to come get me.

Miki was waiting at our table when I got back, “Is he coming?”

“I couldn’t get a hold of him. I left a message,” I said as I rubbed my stomach.

“You don’t look so good again,” she said softly.

“Gee, thanks, Miki. Just what I want to hear while I’m waiting for the love of my life to arrive,” I snarled at her.

She giggled, “Will you relax! Jeez, you’re just a little pale. You look totally hot, otherwise. Those leather pants are sizzling sex on you.” She sighed, “Too bad you aren’t into women, Shu. I’d totally jump you.”

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she exhaled.

“No thanks. I don’t need Ito-san to beat the crap out of me,” I grinned at her.

“Oh please,” she snorted. “He wouldn’t care.”

“Now who’s being a dumb ass, Miki?” I chuckled. “Why don’t you break down and call him?”

“Call who?” a new voice said as it joined us. “Call me, Shu-chan?”

“Hi, Ryu,” I said with a small smile. “I’ve been expecting you. You’re late. How are you, anyway?”

“Shiny! Shiny! Shu-chan!” he twirled around our table. “I’m getting something I’ve always wanted. Something big and naughty!”

“Er, what?” I wondered if I really wanted to know this.

“Secret! Secret!!” he danced around.

He seemed to be a tad more manic than usual. He was definitely excited about something. “Ryu, is Tohma coming to the club?”

“In a while,” his spinning stopped, his wild eyes narrowed and suddenly cleared. “You have some time yet before you are interrupted.”

“You’re not telling Tohma where I am?” I said suspiciously. You never could be sure whose side Ryu was on. If he even picked a side. Ryu was nothing if not random.

“No. Not until all the wrinkles are out of your brain,” he flicked me on my forehead then he leaned in close and looked into my eyes, his stare was razor sharp. “You look ill, but focused. Are you back to being yourself again?”

It was odd and unnerving but I knew exactly what he was asking me, “I’m getting there, Ryu. But I don’t think I’ll ever be completely the same…”

He studied me for a moment and then gave me a bright smile, “Who is ever the same, Shuichi? But I can see that you’re coming around to who you will be.”

“Who I will be?” That was a head-scratcher. Ryu’s musings could really mess with my brain sometimes.

My phone rang. I looked at the number, it was Eiri. I answered it as I made my way outside again.

“Eiri?”

“I’m on my way,” The sound of tires squealing came through the speaker and Eiri pulled the phone away for a moment. I heard him say in the background, “Over there.”

“I see them,” A voice answered Eiri calmly. Was that… was that Kyo? No, that was impossible.

Eiri spoke into the phone again, “Look, just to let you know, Tohma and K will probably be right behind me. So, if you don’t want to deal with them yet, be ready to go when I get there, okay?”

“Okay. You don’t need to be too reckless. I would like to see you without anyone else’s interference but not at the cost of your safety. It’s important, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Not that big of a deal? Really?” his voice dripped with sarcasm. “Do you have any idea of what I’ve been going through? Do you have any idea of what I’ve lowered myself to do in order to make sure that I get to you first?”

“No,” I snapped at him. “I don’t know what you’ve had to do. But I do know what it’s like to wait and worry. I know about that quite well, thanks to you. Sometime you should try 18 months worth of worry and waiting. Yeah, Eiri, you could say I know all about it.”

“I suppose you do,” he answered quietly.

“I’ll be waiting for you, Eiri. I’ll be in the bar.”

“How long?” Eiri asked the background again and was answered. “I’ll be there in about 10 minutes.”

“I’ll be here. And try not to disappoint me, okay?”

“Huh,” he hung up.

I stared at the phone. As I made my way back to my table, I was wondering if I had entered an alternate universe. I was sure that was Kyo’s voice I heard with Eiri. Good gods, I must be crazy.

Ryu and Miki were no longer at the table. They were on one of the raised daises, dancing together. They looked great and they looked happy.

Thoughts of Eiri and being in a club caused my mind to wander in remembrance of our dancing together in Tokyo. I smiled as I thought about how hard he had been trying that night in order to win me back. He had never really stopped trying since returning from New York.

And our two nights together in London were like a dream. How long would I make him prove his love before I started to believe in him? Well, I was ready to try something else, some new way to be together. Miki was right, maybe together Eiri and I could make it work.

And what Ryu had said, that I was becoming who I would be, it was starting to make a little sense now. I would never be who I used to be, that was impossible. But maybe I could link who I had been to the angry, cynical shell of the person I was now and become someone new. I would never trust wholeheartedly again, I knew that, but maybe I could trust with reservations. I would need to change, to become stronger and move beyond this wounded version of myself, if I wished to stay with Eiri.

And Eiri, he had already been changing. Until now, I had been too wrapped up in my own pain to see it. Too afraid that his love for me was a trick, that his sweet words and actions were an act. But Eiri wasn’t very good at pretending. Not with me, anyway. I’d always been able to see through any ruse he tried on me. Maybe it was time to trust myself and my knowledge of Eiri. No one knew him like I did; I had just forgotten that fact for a while. I had been too distracted by unimportant things.

It seemed that when he got here, Eiri and I had a lot to discuss. I ordered him a scotch while I waited.

I hoped we could do it without being interrupted by Tohma and K. Those two meddlesome beings needed to stay clear for a while.

I sipped at my white russian. It was the only alcoholic beverage I could drink these days that didn’t incense the severe pain in my stomach and naturally, it had to be the one drink I hated. I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me, soothing me and keeping my anxiety at bay.

And I waited impatiently for the love of my life to join me so that we could start our life together.

Again.

TBC

Lyrics for A Stroke of Luck by Garbage

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