Confessions & Cigarettes

Chapped lips and a wicked tongue. He tasted of oranges and cigarettes and Hiro couldn't imagine a less addictive mix. Ryuichi explored his mouth in lazy swipes of his tongue – tickling his teeth and brushing against his tongue and the roof of his mouth. His hands moved in tantalizing circles over his shoulders, his fingers tangling into Hiro's hair and tugging. He gasped, and Ryuichi pressed harder against him.

He didn't know what to do with his hands. He tried grabbing the sheets under him but a wicked twist of Ryuichi's hips had him grabbing on to the singer instead. He fell backwards, scraping against the wall, his hair everywhere and Ryuichi riding him down. A sharp gasp, and the singer's lips pulled away from his. Hiro caught a glimpse of Ryuichi's face before he was pressed against him again, mouth on his.

Any fan would love to be there, with this legend made flesh pinning them down and ruthlessly attacking them with mouth and hands, but the more Ryuichi pressed against him, the more Hiro felt uneasy. The brief glimpse of his expression, the closed off eyes and slight line between his eyebrows, haunted his thoughts and even as clever fingers found their way into his jeans, Hiro couldn't just let things happen. It took him a moment to shake off his hormones and his want, but then he was fighting off Ryuichi's hands and trying to wiggle free.

"Wait," he gasped, jerking his mouth away and trying to buck the singer off of him. "Ryuichi, stop."

He clung harder, guitar calloused fingers brushing him. Hiro grabbed his wrist and pulled. Ryuichi went stiff against him and then rolled off, laying across the bed and looking up at the ceiling. Hiro panted and tried to get himself under control because it was close, so close and he could still smell and feel Ryuichi against him. Then the singer sat up leaning slightly over him, blue eyes dark against his pale skin.

"You know," he said, sounding perfectly steady and not like he was trying to swallowing his tonsils earlier. "I can count the times I've been refused on one hand."

Hiro shivered and sat up, trying to comb his hair out and not look into Ryuichi's eyes. "I just. . ."

"You're not as straight as you pretend to be and you're single. I'd figured we could blow a little steam off, no harm in that, but suddenly you're not interested?"

"Huh? No!" Hiro looked up and shivered at how gray Ryuichi's eyes were. It looked as if all the color had been drained from them and from his skin. "I just. . ."

"You just what?"

Hiro couldn't look away even if he wanted to, his thoughts in pieces. "I just thought that doing anything like that while you're mad would only make things worse."

It was like watching a corpse bleed. What little color was left in Ryuichi's eyes and skin faded, even the flush from kissing leaving his lips and the darker streaks of brown in his hair washed out. He stared at Hiro for a long moment and then looked away, sliding off the bed and heading out of the room. Hiro shuddered and gave his head a shake, almost falling off the bed in his haste and followed the singer. He was down the hall, unlocking the third bedroom door and stepping into the darkness beyond. By the time Hiro reached it, Ryuichi had shut the door and locked it.

Hiro blew his breath out in a hiss and knocked on the door. He thought he heard a thud, but pressing his ear against the door, he couldn't even hear Ryuuichi moving around. Hiro tried the knob and then knocked louder. There was no response. He chewed on his lower lip and tried to think. What exactly was in that room? Did he even get a glimpse into it and was there dangerous to Ryuichi inside?

Smacking his head against the door, Hiro sighed. Well, he screwed this up royally, just like how he screwed up everything with Ayaka. But he knew he wasn't really that ready to be with someone new, and that he didn't feel comfortable because he didn't know everything about Ryuichi. There were pieces still missing. He couldn't let things move on until he was sure about where he stood with the singer.

And yet. . .

"I'm so stupid," Hiro muttered, sinking to the floor. He smacked his head against the door before moving across the hall and folding his arms across his chest. "I am not leaving until you come out of there."

Time shifted. Some where between the moment he decided to watch to door and now, Hiro had fallen into an awkward doze. He made a face, pushing some of his hair out of his eyes and tried to remember what had exactly woken him up. He looked up and yelped, the back of his head hitting the wall and making his teeth click together. Standing almost over him, Tohma rubbed the back of his neck and leaned down.

"Are you okay, Nakano-san?"

"I'm fine. . . I just. . ." Hiro rubbed at his head and did not feel any blood, peering up at the keyboardist. "You startled me."

"My apologies, I did not mean to wake you," he replied, crouching down to his level. "I had merely came to see how Ryuichi was faring."

Hiro felt his face flushed. Tohma arched an eyebrow and smiled thinly. "I see. How far did he go before he locked himself away?"

"It was just. . ." Hiro started saying and then stopped, his mouth dropping open. Tohma knew? Tohma knew that Ryuichi would try something and said nothing to him?

Tohma rubbed his face and sighed, actually taking a seat on the floor with his back against the door. He looked tired, worn, something that Hiro never expected him to look like, which killed some of the protest before he voiced it.

"Ryuichi has a few triggers that lead to odd behavior," Tohma said and then stopped, looking down at the floor. He shook his head a little before continuing, "When he gets into certain moods, he loses himself in whatever outlet he can find - be it drugs, people or violence. Noriko and I have kept him from harming himself too much but we have our own families to deal with, and cannot always be there to focus his energy to more productive tasks. He has gotten better over the years but. . . I am afraid today has pushed him beyond his normal tolerance."

"You knew that he would do something?"

Tohma hesitated before nodding. "You are not like anyone he has been interested in for a very long time. I am sorry if I used that to keep him from going too far out of control."

"I don't. . . I just. . ." He scrubbed at his face, looking past Tohma's shoulder at the door. "Is he going to be alright?"

"Yes." Tohma's mouth jerked up in an attempt at a smile. "Please, stay. You may rest in the guest room. I am sure there are a few articles of clothing you can wear to sleep in. I'll see to it that Ryuichi is fine and make sure he gets to bed."

"Are you sure?"

Tohma looked like he was ready to fall over. It didn't help his perceptions at all when Tohma stood up and had to grab the doorknob to remain steady. But the blond nodded once and straighten, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a set of keys. He separated one from the rest and slid it into the lock. Nodding to him, Tohma then opened the door and stepped inside. There was no angry yelling and quickly shut the door behind him.

Hiro waited for a bit more before getting up from the floor. He tried the doorknob and when it remained locked, he headed for the second room he had noticed earlier. It was clearly a spare bedroom, set up with the very bland feeling of something that was used when he had visitors. Hiro closed the door behind him and then opened the small closet and nearly got buried as a riot of clothing fell out. There were silky stage clothing and frilly skirts, stretchy pants and transparent linens. Hiro untangled a bra from his ear and tried pushing all that back into the closet, wondering exactly how Ryuichi managed to put it in there in the first place.

Giving up after a minute, he left it laying all over and checked the small dresser. The clothing in there was mostly underwear and underthings, a few pieces looking suspiciously like specialty thongs and toys. He found the sleeping clothing in the last drawer, and he selected a pair of pants that looked like they would fit him. He changed quickly and then wondered exactly what was going on in the room next door. He couldn't hear anything, even when he pressed his ear against the wall.

Hiro chewed on his lower lip and sighed. He couldn't do anything about what might be happening in that room. He couldn't leave, especially since Tohma seemed to expect him to stay. Of course, he still wanted to know what was going on and his head hurt too much with the confusion from the past couple hours to focus if he could leave. Besides, he knew that if he showed up at Shuichi's place like this, he wouldn't get any rest. If he was allowed in the apartment that is.

Decision made, he crawled into the bed, expecting to lay awake for most of the night. He fell asleep as soon as he closed his eyes.