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Annals of Fear II	By : DeathNoteFangirl Category: Death Note > Yaoi-Male/Male > Mello/Matt Views: 5803 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note and I do not make any money from these writings

Chapter List
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Hal looked up from her laptop, perched with it at the end of her bed.   Mello was sitting on the same bed, a couple of feet away.   She was going to make a joke about them being in bed together, but he looked so desolate that she didn't bother.   His forearms rested on his thighs.   His head was bowed, so that all the blond hair covered his face.    He had chocolate in his hand - he usually did - but he wasn't eating it.    It was always hard to tell with Mello how much of it was an act, devised and performed to evoke a certain reaction in her.   It looked real enough though.

"Sorry, nearly finished, then I'm all yours."   She really needed to get this e-mail off to Luigi.   There were a couple of important administrative responses to do with the smooth running of Wammy's House, but more importantly, he seemed close to finally signing the constitution.    That single document, signed by all of the alumni, was going to make her life so much easier.   With the fervent wish that he'd just commit to the damn thing, as the last of the alumni to do so, Hal sent the e-mail.   "Ok, I'm all yours."

"If I was straight, you probably would be."   Mello mumbled.

For a long moment, Hal thought she'd misheard, but he turned his head to peer across at her and there was no denying it from the contemplative look on his face.   She passed it off lightly, "And what makes you think I'd have you?"

Mello gave a half-sneer, then sat up straight with a long sigh.   He still hadn't so much as licked his chocolate, Hal noticed.   His thousand yard gaze passed straight through her window to the upper chalet across green.   "I went too far."

Hal sensed that they'd changed subject again.   She clarified anyway, "With Matt?"   She saw him nod.    "I'm not going to argue with that."    She waited for him to say more, but he just seemed inclined to sit there, looking pensive and a little bit tragic.   "What are you waiting for me to say, Mello?    Oh! It's alright, because he likes it like that?"

"No.   I'm just telling you that I went too far." He lifted his arm, extended his little finger and scratched at the scarring, where his left eyebrow should have been.   "Because I want to tell someone that.   I want to acknowledge that I know that."

"Perhaps Matt is the one you should be telling."

Mello flashed her a withering look.   "You can't tell Mail something like that without it opening up a whole can of worms."   He rubbed again at the same spot and Hal had the unsettling fear of bits of his face falling off onto her carpet.     She dismissed the mental image as quickly as it arrived.   He went on.   "And it did."

Hal fished for details, anything to help her know what to say to him.   "Did you lose your temper?    Is that how it happened?"

He shook his head. "No."

She tried to imagine the cold-blooded violence of the situation.   She attempted to marry up the man before her with all that she knew him capable of.   She had seen him rant and rage; she had witnessed his cold glares; she had once had him point a gun at her head; she had stood in a room and watched so many of her colleagues fall down dead around her, with Mello highly suspected to be the one who gave that order.    She'd seen, heard, read reports and speculated a lot, but his violence always seemed that one step removed.   In another room or another place; already over.   She had never personally witnessed that violence actually occurring, with Mello right in front of her.   It felt a little alien to her to picture it, though she was under no illusion that it happened.

He had stopped talking.   Hal prompted him again, "You said in the car that you just wanted a cuddle."

"Yes."   Mello whispered. "And that's what went wrong."

"You're going to have to walk me through this.   I can't envisage the chain of events that led from you wanting a cuddle to you beating the crap out of your husband."

"I got off on it!"   Mello said quickly, urgently, like that made it alright.    "Don't get me wrong.   It was amazing. Mail was amazing."

"Perhaps not quite in this detail."   Hal smiled.

Mello nodded.   "If I walked up to Mail now and said, 'Can I have a cuddle?' I'd get one."   He grit his teeth.   "But it would be like he wasn't there.    It would be quick, soulless and then he'd be back on his laptop or starting up a game.   He'd spend the entire cuddle trying to work out when it was appropriate to let go."    Mello glanced at her and, for a moment, she thought he was going to put that mask of nonchalance and secrecy back on.     She realised that he'd never discussed this with anyone before.   "I didn't want that. I wanted a proper cuddle, with him wanting to be in it too.    There's only one time when that realistically is going to happen."    He blinked and stared down at the uneaten chocolate in his hand.   "I was feeling really spooked...."   He stopped talking and Hal saw the finality this time.   He really had stopped talking.

"So you weren't in the mood, but you did it strategically, because..." She faltered, not knowing how these things worked.

Mello shook his head.   "No.   It's not fair to Mail, me talking to you about this."    He rocked forward, meaning to stand.

"Mello, wait."   Hal reached out to touch her fingertips to his arm.    He stared at her hand.   "You obviously need to talk to someone; and you've already told me that this isn't a conversation that you can have with Matt."

Mello looked her straight in the eyes and she could see how shaken he was, deep inside, over this. "No. It's my problem."

"So what actually is the problem?   You said you enjoyed it; presumably he enjoyed it?    Did you get your cuddle?"

"I could have got there without going so far.    He's in agony today.    He's not showing it, but he is.   He can't..." Mello frowned deeply and Hal thought he was going to cry.   "I really hurt him.    But he's being Mail.   Not complaining about it, but blowing hot and cold on me."

"So he didn't enjoy it."

Mello shook his head, frustrated at her questions, "Hal, he came twice.   He fucking enjoyed it."     He did stand now, suddenly animated.    "Yet all anyone is going to do is look at me like I'm some animal.    Mello, the psychopath, look at what he did to Mail." He stood by the window, watching Fenian and Kiana walking across the green back towards their chalet.    "And looking at Mail with pity!    He shouldn't be pitied!   He should be...."   Mello let the sentiment fall.

"Yelled at for fucking with your head?"

"No."   Mello sighed. "But not seen as a victim, because that's belittling towards him.    He's no victim."

Hal was desperately trying to see where Mello was going with this.   She felt that if she messed this up now, he might never open up this far again.    "So you feel like you and he go into this together, but only you get the grief afterwards?"

"No."   Mello's fist clenched.   "At least that's true, but I don't give a fuck."   He rubbed his face with his hand, dropping the chocolate into his pocket.    "It's just hard sometimes."

"Being seen as the villain?"

Mello shook his head.   "Being so desperately in love with someone with..."   He faltered again.   "No. I'm not having this conversation.    Tell me about Siân."

"It's not being disloyal to him to want to sort your own feelings out.    If you can't speak to him about them, then it's doubly not disloyal."

"Is Siân staying?"

Hal surveyed him coolly.   "You're just burying the issue."   They had a stare-off.   "It was important enough for you to twice attempt to talk to me about it."

Mello shrugged.   "If Century is distracted by Siân, am I now project leader by default?"

"Do you love Matt?"

"I'm crazy about him."   Mello emphatically stated.   "It's not that.   It's that he's hard work at the best of times."   He narrowed his eyes. "But I fucked up big time last time we were here.   I said something to him that I shouldn't have said and now it's like I've been walking on egg-shells ever since."

Hal frowned, "That's no way to have a relationship.   Have you tried apologising to him?   Talking about it?"   She saw Mello nodding. "And he's not listening.    So what happens then?    Does he threaten to leave you?"

"No." Mello sneered in derision.   "Of course not.   He just keeps me at arm's length or challenges me.   You've seen it happen. It's been like that for two months."

Hal stared at him.   "I swear that you have the most complicated relationship that I've ever encountered."   Her frown deepened. "So this is why you feel the need to beat him to a pulp?"

"No!" Mello snapped.   "Well, yes, but not for that reason.   Because he won't give..." He broke off, considering his words.   "No, this isn't coming out right.   He got beaten that badly because I was blind-sided and wasn't thinking things through as well as usual. I wasn't in the mood, but I did it to get what I was in the mood for; but that was the wrong strategy and now he's in pain."   He stared at Hal with pleading in his eyes.   "You get it now?"

Hal shook her head. "Honestly? No."

Mello blinked.   "Then I have nothing more to..."   He stopped dead, staring in shock out of the window.   "What the fuck's he doing?"

Hal moved forward to see outside.   Matt was strolling across the green, towards Fenian and Kiana's chalet.   He was coming from the direction of the seafront or, at least, from where their cars were parked.   Hal hazarded a guess at the problem, "He's not allowed out without you?"

Mello looked at her in disdain, then pushed past and flung open her front door.   He called out, "Mail!"   But his husband didn't even turn his head.   "... the fuck?"    He watched Matt reach the chalet door and knock on it.   "Mail!"   Mello started running across. He was nearly there, when the knock was answered by Fenian.   Mello stopped in his tracks and just stood there.    Hal watched from her open doorway.

"Yes?" Fenian asked, blinking in surprise.

Matt's voice was quiet; it was only the wind's direction, carrying it towards Hal, that allowed her to hear at all.   "Kiana said she had something for my bruises."

"Oh." Fenian stared past him to Mello, who gestured impatience, then wheeled around to walk back to Hal.    Fenian allowed Matt to enter his chalet and the door was closed behind him.

Mello's head was bowed, as he approached Hal.   She stepped backwards to allow him access to her chalet.   He walked in looking dumbstruck.   His face was white; the scar all the more livid against the pale background.   His gloved fists were clenched and his shoulders raised, shaking slightly from the rigidity with which he held them.   Hal closed the door behind him and he just stood there, staring at his feet.   Hal waited for him to speak, but he didn't.   She stood by, watching him.   "Would you like a cuddle now?" She saw him shake his head; a tight, almost shuddering movement. "Am I missing some kind of secret Wammy's House code? Only it seemed to me like Matt was a bit ignorant towards you, but he's hardly..." She watched Mello uncoil suddenly and whip a chocolate bar from his pocket.   He pulled back the foil and bit into it.   "Maybe you're over-reacting, just a smidgeon."

Mello's gaze slithered sidewards onto her.   There were dark blue glints of emotion, that she couldn't read, in the shadows of his fringe.   He hissed out his words. "I'll remind you of that when whatever is going on plays out."   He jabbed a finger at the window. "That does not happen.   For it to happen, then something is very wrong.   Mail does not put himself out of his comfort zone without a very good reason and normally I know that reason."

Hal caught a glimpse of red from the corner of her eye.   She turned her head to see.   "Mello, he's coming back.   He's heading here."

Mello span around and threw open the door. He glared daggers of outrage at his husband.   His words were flung like bullets, low and dangerous, "This had better be good."

Even Hal was on high alert, her whole body poised for action, hearing his tone and seeing his expression. But through the crack in the door, she could see Matt looking unmoved and nonchalant.   His mouth disappeared into the neckline of his gilet, but that could as easily been a response to the icy wind coming in from the sea.    He sounded utterly unconcerned, his soft voice dull and emotionless, "Just sorting some shit out. Nothing for you to worry about."

Mello breathed hard through his nose, like a bull about to charge; his lips tightly pressed together.   Hal readied herself for restraining him.   But he closed his eyes, exhaled through his mouth, and the fury seemed to drain away from him.    He reached out and pulled Matt into the chalet, whereupon he held him closely, his face buried in Matt's shoulder.   Matt reciprocated with his arms up around Mello's neck.   It looked like a cuddle to Hal.    It was held for several, long seconds.    Long enough for Hal to start feeling cold with the draught coming in from the door.   Then Mello sighed and looked up. He took a deep breath and leaned backwards to view Matt's face.    "Situation?"

Hal saw the little smile on Matt's face and couldn't imagine what was so funny.    She squeezed behind them and closed the door.   Mello shook his head.   "Hal, don't worry about it. I'm taking him back to our chalet."   His hand tenderly rubbed Matt's back.   "We evidently need to talk."

"Do it here."   She offered.   "I can make you some tea."   But neither man seemed inclined to accept her invitation.   "I might be able to help."

"No disrespect, Hal."   Mello smiled charmingly, all sweetness and light now.   "He probably won't tell me in front of you, because he's an anti-social bastard."

Hal knew that she was losing and might never find out what was going on.   She could have kicked herself for wasting time e-mailing Luigi.   If she could have kept Mello talking during their limited time together, she might have had more of a clue now.   She had no choice but to exchange farewells and watch them go.   They were barely over the turf, before Deontic was scurrying past the window and knocking on Hal's door.   Hal opened it to let her in, commenting wryly, "Don't ask. I have no idea."

Deontic was aghast.   "I saw it all from my study chalet. What's Matt up to?"

"We don't know." Hal made an apologetic gesture.

"What did Mello say?"

"Mello doesn't know either."

Deontic grimaced, "I might have to warn Fenian."

Hal held up her hand, "One moment here.   Is there a full scale civil war going on that I missed?"

"Oh Hal." Deontic tutted.   "There's always a full scale civil war going on.   Surely you know that!"

Hal's mind rushed through the times when she had seen them all together.   She considered the atmosphere in the meeting rooms; and the co-operative effort of them all finding Matt, when he'd been abducted. She thought of the nearly convivial eating of pizza in the communal hall last night.   She considered how Deontic, Luigi and Linda met up at the Wammy's House and always seemed to be getting along just fine.   She remembered back to that afternoon in her office, Mello, Matt, Deontic and Century had behaved almost like close friends, after their past experiences of the manor house.   She added Fenian into the picture and saw them all drinking together in a bar on Century's birthday.   Yes, there were arguments, especially in the meeting halls, but it didn't feel like a civil war.   "I've seen Mello and Fenian clashing, but I thought that was just testosterone talking between two alpha males." She was bewildered.   Had it not seemed so serious, she might have been bemused.   "Surely that's all. You've been working to build bridges."

Deontic nodded, "Yes, I have."   She looked irritated.   "But those idiots keep pulling them down!"
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Annals of Fear II