Illusions of Life

Title: Illusions of Life
Author: Despina
Rating: NC17
Pairings: Eiri x Shu
Feedback: Please review. I love reviews.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Gravitation and make no money off this.

Illusions of Life


Chapter 12
Gravitate to Me

Through the ether
And the mists of the mind
You will come to me
To lay by my side
To stroke my hair
To cuddle my flesh
And to quell the torrents
In my subterranean depths

This world ain\'t strong enough
To keep us from each other
For we are kindred spirits
Born to become Earthly lovers

I am the lighthouse
I am the sea
I am your destiny
Gravitate to me

There is something within your voice
Something behind your eyes
Something inside your heart
That is beating in time with mine

Gravitate to me


I was in that ethereal realm, somewhere between sleep and wakefulness when something tickled my nose. I brushed at it briefly before snuggling deeper into the pillow and blankets, surrendering again to sleep. A few moments later I was tickled again and this time, in irritation, I swatted at whatever it was. It swatted back.

I opened my eyes to meet the unblinking gold orbs staring back at me. A cat.

My sleep befuddled mind grappled with the idea of the cat. I blinked a few times. Shuichi’s cat. Shuichi’s bed. Still groggy, I reached for him and touched a bent knee. Confused by the location of his knee I rolled on to my back so I could get a better perspective. My body protested and I groaned in response.

“Not feeling well?” he teased.

He was sitting next to me with his legs crossed, elbow on one knee so his hand could support his head.

I ignored his question, “What are you doing?”

He smiled softly, almost hesitantly and leaned back, “Watching you sleep.”

“Ng,” I grunted, remembering fondly how often in the past I had woken up to this same scenario.

I sat up and reached for my cigarettes and this time my body complained much louder. I hurt in places I shouldn’t hurt. Scenes from the night flashed through my brain. I looked down at my wrists and groaned again.

“Last night coming back to you, huh?” He was grinning now, but… there was something else going on behind his eyes. He retained an edgy cautiousness.

I ignored his second question, “Is there coffee?” I lit a cigarette and watched him closely.

“Yes.” He was still smiling as he leaned over and kissed before asking, “Are you hungry?”

I touched his long hair and kissed him back, “Famished.”

“I’ll make breakfast or; dinner in our case.” He stood up, already dressed in his usual stay-at-home attire, a loose t-shirt and shorts.

As he left the room, I noticed the hand-shaped bruise on his thigh. I supposed he was as sore as I was. I stood up to access the damage. My scalp hurt from having my hair yanked so much. From what I could see and feel, my neck and chest were marked and tender in numerous places. My legs were bruised and I could feel scratches on my back and shoulders. My wrists were black and blue and had several cuts. For the most part, my entire body was bruised and raw.

I felt glorious.

I located my jeans and my boxers and slid into them very gingerly. I threw on the green silk shirt and followed my lover into the kitchen. The cat followed me.

“What time is it?” I asked as he handed me a cup of coffee.

“Almost five.”

Ah, sex, drugs and rock and roll. We had stayed up all night and slept the day away.

I sipped my coffee.

The cat did a figure eight against my ankles and Shuichi watched him in wonder. “You know, Yuki won’t have anything to do with anyone else but me. It’s… curious that he likes you so much. Weird, even.”

I shrugged and set down my coffee cup. “I need to change.”

He nodded, “I’ll make food. You go… change.”

Awkward. We were so awkward trying to find our footing with each other after the soul revealing night we’d had. All at once, our relationship seemed very fragile to me.

I moved behind him and wrapped my arms around him. He was everything to me, why was it so difficult to tell him that?

He leaned into me sighing.

I nuzzled through his long hair and kissed his neck. He turned in my arms and stared into my eyes, searching. After a few moments he wrapped his arms around my neck and we shared a sweet, loving kiss.

He pulled away, “Go change.”

I reached over and lifted his hair away from his speckled neck, “Does my neck look like yours?”

He nodded and smiled, “Worse, I think. I bite harder.”

“I believe that’s true.” I kissed him again, “I’ll be right back.”

I dashed across the hall to my apartment, pointedly ignoring my phone and my laptop. Fuck work, I’d catch up later. Shuichi was what was important now.

I changed my clothes and stopped in the bathroom so I could wash my face and brush my teeth. When I turned on the lights and saw my reflection in the mirror, I was shocked by my appearance. It wasn’t the ridiculous number of love bites that caused me to pause, it was that I looked… happy.

Well, maybe satisfied is a better word.

I quickly smoothed down my unruly hair, and went through my morning routine, stopping the ritual only long enough to dab on a little if Shuichi’s favorite cologne.

As I did so, images from the night before assaulted me. I cringed just a little inside and then pushed the visions away. It was too soon, too strange to dwell on right now. I would have to explain to him at some point, that he could not expect that all the time.

Did that mean… I shook my head. It was too soon to consider anything.

I grabbed some beer from my refrigerator and walked back across the hall. I opened the door and was engulfed in wonderful food smells.

“Curry?” I asked as I placed all but one of the beers I carried into the ‘fridge.

“Yeah,” he answered softly. “Easy, quick and comforting.”

“Need any help?” I offered.

He shook his head, “Nah. I’m almost done.”

He was being strange and standoffish, almost cagey. What was going on? I leaned over and kissed his head, he inhaled deeply and said almost too softly for me to hear, “You smell good.”

I sat at the kitchen bar and smoked a cigarette while I watched him finish and dish up two plates of curried tofu and rice. He wouldn’t look at me.

What the fuck? My fear that he had just been using me for the night returned.

We ate in painful silence. I had been ravenously hungry before but now my appetite disappeared and it was all I could do to swallow each bite. I glanced at Shuichi, he made a great show of pushing his food around but he wasn’t eating either. I set down my spoon and stood up.

He looked at me with those haunted eyes and I thought my heart would break.

I reached out and took his hand, “Come here.” I lead us to the couch and we sat down, he still hadn’t said anything. I reached out and touched his darkened hair but he pulled away from me.

I waited. I considered again how fragile and tenuous our relationship was.

“Look, Eiri,” he began as his eyes met mine and then skittered away. Was that fear? “I know that last night was a fluke. I don’t know why you let me do everything…but I’m really grateful.”

Grateful?

He swallowed hard, “I know I’m really weird and hard to be around anymore. I understand.” He inhaled, “I’ll understand if you don’t want to be with me. You don’t have to pretend.”

Pretend? Grateful?

I felt the anger building in me, and I snapped, “Just what exactly are you blathering about?”

He sighed and hung his head, “Last night was amazing, Eiri. But I know that’s not you. I know I’m not what you want.”

“Why don’t you let me decide what I want?” I tipped his chin up forcibly so I could look into his violet eyes. Yes, it was fear he was feeling and he was suffocating under it. “Maybe you need to tell me what’s going on in that microscopic-sized brain of yours.”

He sighed again and thought for a moment before saying, “Last night you said…you said you love me. And that you had missed me. You also let me…have you.” He met my eyes, “I thought I knew you. The Eiri I know wouldn’t do any of those things unless there were extraordinary circumstances involved.” He stopped.

I knew where he was headed now. “By extraordinary circumstances I take it that you mean drugs and handcuffs?”

“Yeah,” he dropped his eyes again.

Fragile. We were so fragile.

“I’m afraid,” he began and then swallowed hard again, “that last night was only an illusion. An illusion brought on by the drugs and the moment.”

I scoffed at him, “Really? So…all those things you said to me in the park about us working it out, that was also an illusion?”

His eyes snapped up, and he hissed at me, “You know that’s not true. I meant all of that.”

“But apparently,” I said tightly, “I was not capable of meaning what I said.”

“That’s not what I mean,” he snarled at me, “and you know it!”

“Then spill it, you idiot,” I attacked. “What is it that you DO mean? What exactly are you trying to say?”

He jumped up, eyes blazing with anger, “I. Don’t. Want. You. To. Hurt. Me. Again.” His fury spilled out as he shouted at me, “If you don’t intend to stay with me, don’t jerk me around about it! Go now! I mean it, Eiri.” His eyes suddenly brimmed with tears and his voice dropped back to normal as he pleaded with me, “Please, Eiri. It would be better for me if you left now and didn’t drag it out.”

I lit a cigarette and glared at him, “I have no intention of going anywhere. I haven’t made an idiot of myself for the last month just to get a piece of you, you dumb ass.” I was still glaring at him, “I should probably have my head examined, but the truth of the matter is I want you. All of you. All of the time.”

I took a deep drag of my cigarette and let him think about what I had just said. “Now, sit down,” I kicked him none too gently with my foot.

He sat down, but he was still crying. I stubbed out my smoke and touched his hair again. It was my turn to swallow; this would be hard but desperate times as they say…

“Shuichi, I…” I thought about what to say, “Look, I’ve never been good at this sort of thing. You know, expressing my feelings.” I waved my hand dismissively in the air. I inhaled and steeled myself, “but this is true love, Shuichi. This doesn’t happen everyday.” I exhaled, “Now, if sobbing in your arms on a park bench doesn’t convince you or; letting you fuck me senseless doesn’t convince you, how about that random bit of romantic fluff?” I leaned towards him, meeting his wide-eyed stare, “No drugs, no handcuffs involved.”

He was sobbing as he touched my face gently, as if he was afraid I would vanish. Suddenly he jumped on me and pulled me into a crushing hug. “I love you, Eiri,” he managed to choke out between sobs.

“All right. All right,” I grumbled at him. “Cut it out okay? You’re getting my shirt all wet.” But we both knew I didn’t mean it and I slid my arms around him and let him cry.

It was good to see, his crying. I was glad my boy was still in there, hidden much of the time by anger and disappointment, but he was still there. I rubbed his back as his sobs subsided and he snuggled into me.

After what I deemed to be the appropriate amount I asked, “So, just how sore are you?”

“Huh,” he chuckled and nipped at my neck. “In some things you’ll never change, Eiri. Or have you? Maybe I should ask how sore you are.”

I didn’t answer. Let him think about it for a while.

I pushed him off of me gently but took his hand and led him to the bedroom.

This bout of lovemaking was slow, sweet and gentle. There was minimal bruising and biting involved and infinite care taken regarding tender, sore spots. Not really our usual fare when it came to sex, but every now and then slow and sweet is nice. And sometimes it’s even necessary.

When we finished, Shuichi refused to let me shower with him. He said that he couldn’t take another round of sex and if we ended up in the shower together, that’s what would happen. He referred to me as some sort of sex-crazed beast and sent me to my own apartment to take a shower.

What a selfish brat.

I groused about 18 months and wandered off to take my shower.

While I showered, I realized that I was confident we were finally on the right track; all we needed now was time. Time to get comfortable with each other again.


My hair was still wet and my shirt was hanging open as I inserted the key to unlock Shuichi’s door when the elevator doors opened. Nakano and that psycho K stepped out of the elevator and joined me in the hallway.

“Hey,” Nakano nodded, his eyes flitting to the key in my hand, “is Shu home?”

I nodded in return and opened the door. They followed me in.

Shuichi was just emerging from the shower, shirtless with a roll of gauze in his hand. He met my helpless stare and glared at the newcomers.

“Shuichi,” the American roared, “good news!”

“Really?” my boy said dryly. “You couldn’t call first?”

“We tried,” he grinned at both of us, “but apparently you were too preoccupied to notice.”

I looked at Shuichi. Yeah, it was very obvious what we had been up to for the past day. He was covered in bruises, scratches and bites. I looked down passed my unbuttoned shirt and realized I matched my lover with the same tell-tale marks of wild sex. I buttoned my shirt.

“So, Shu,” Nakano smiled, “we got the deal.”

“We did?” No matter how jaded he may have gotten, his eyes still sparkled like jewels when he got what he wanted.

Nakano was grinning now, “Yeah, Touma-sama’s working on the details.”

Shuichi jumped on Nakano and hugged him fiercely, “I knew you would pull it off, Hiro.”

The expression on Nakano’s face was priceless. No one in the room least of all him, had expected the hug. After a moment of confusion, the guitarist hugged back. “Shu,” he said softly after a few moments and catching my glare from the corner of his eye, “maybe you should get dressed.”

“Oh,” now Shuichi looked confused and pulled away. “Yeah. Sorry about that, Hiro. I’ll be right back.” He ran out of the room.

Nakano looked at me, ground his teeth and bowed curtly, “thank you, Yuki-san.”

I rolled my eyes.

K was grinning like the idiot he is.

Shuichi skipped back into the room, still holding the gauze. He pointed to me and to the couch and I sat down. He sat on the arm of the couch next to me unwound the gauze. “So,” he looked up at Nakano, “details.”

Hiro sat down, lit a cigarette and watched as my lover tended my wounded left wrist. “Well,” he began, “we don’t have a lot of details yet but Nittle Grasper, Bad Luck and Suspended Animation will all be sharing equal billing. We’ll be touring Japan, parts of Asia and Europe, Australia and parts of the U.S. We think.”

K lit his own cigarette, “we don’t have all the venues yet, of course, but it will be a monster tour.”

Shuichi finished my left wrist and reached for the more damaged right wrist. As he placed some antibiotic cream on me K blurted out, “Yuki-san, if I didn’t know better I’d say that those marks on your wrists were from…” he thought about what he was saying and cleared his throat. “Well, maybe I don’t know…”

“Shut up, K.” Shuichi and Nakano shouted in tandem.

Nodding his head K said, “Right. Anyway, Shuichi, We’ll need to cut a new CD before the tour. Are you up for the challenge?”

My boy looked at me shyly, “Yeah, I think I am.”

Nakano looked at his singer wistfully and gave us a sad melancholy smile, “I’m glad for you, Shu. I’m really happy for you.”

“Hiro…” Shuichi’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “How’s Ryu?”

Nakano rolled his eyes a bit, “Lot’s of Lewis Carroll happening right now, but we’ll be okay.”

Shuichi nodded with a knowing smile.

A few, precious moments of the old Shuichi. I knew it wouldn’t last, but it was nice to see.

“Speaking of Ryu,” Hiro stood, “let’s go, K. I need to check on him.”

K followed Nakano to the door but turned suddenly and said, “Oh yeah, Shuichi, I almost forgot to tell you the best part. Inoue Kyosuke is Suspended Animation’s new manager.”

Nakano’s arm actually froze before he touched the door knob. Shuichi’s eyes grew as big as saucers. K was grinning, “Yeah, I knew you would like that bit of information. What a surprise, huh?”

Hiro reached out and grabbed K’s arm in a vise-like grip and pushed the taller man out the door, “We’ll see you later, you two. We gotta go now.”

The door shut.

Shuichi stared after them with his mouth hanging open.

“So,” I said carefully, watching my lover with new suspicion, “maybe you should tell me about Inoue Kyosuke.”

All the illusions were all gone now. What we had now was pure reality.


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Lyrics by Matt Johnson and Johnny Marr

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