Gold & Guns

Suggested Listening: So What If You Go? by Adelitas Way; Come Closer by Delain

Part 12

~So What If You Come Closer?~

Things had been strained since that night, since Matt had told him...

Matt had begun to work for him, rather than with him, on the Kira case and Mello had honestly thought everything would sort itself out after he had calmed down, after he'd had his time to agonize of it. But after weeks on end of the same listless behavior and chipped conversation between them, he realized it might never do so as he and Matt were still at odds.

And he... still cared for him.

Now Mello was able to stand and walk without the threat of passing out, and his burns no longer needed a constant bandage covering them, and yet his and Matt's relationship seemed to be stuck in limbo.

Matt was more distant, but a different sort of distant than when he had first found him. And though he wanted things fixed, or at least back to the same sort of half friendship they'd had before the explosion, Kira had to be dealt with first.

The more bitter parts of him blamed Kira for this, for everything. Him and Near. For without them Mello would have had no reason to leave Wammys, and Matt wouldn't have broken down as he had in their time apart.

And despite the tickle of pain it brought to his chest he knew those thoughts would have continued had he not needed Matt for a hacking job. Matt had been spending more and more time at his own place unless Mello went over there or he required Matt in person. It bothered Mello how much they had regressed but he wasn't about to give in so easily.

He called Matt's cell and knew that after the fifth ring he would have to go over there. Either Matt had headphones on or was in the shower, he answered all other times, even in his sleep.

Mello sighed as he shoved his helmet on and rushed down the steps. He was in no real hurry but there was no need to dilly dally either. He felt some of the tension inside ease a little as he sped off down the street, the familiar feeling and hum of the engine calming him a little.

He didn't know why, but he had felt uneasy the entire day, as though he were waiting for something to happen. He couldn't explain it and it had sent his stomach in knots until he'd had a shot of brandy to sooth it.

He weaved in and out of traffic expertly and was parked outside of Matt's apartment in half the time it should have taken with all the traffic. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the door, letting himself inside.

It smelled of stale smoke and vomit upon entry, far worse than it ever had before and Mello wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Matt?" he called as he stepped over a wayward take-out wrapper that had failed to reach it over piled destination. Matt had certainly let the place go...

The shower wasn't running and Matt wasn't in the main room and Mello felt an odd surge of paranoia when he realized Matt wasn't there at all. He rang his cell again and grimaced as the ringtone 'cold hard bitch' blasted from the kitchen. Matt had left his phone.

He grit his teeth and stormed from the apartment with an odd feeling of betrayal gnawing at his gut. He wouldn't be there, he told himself. He wouldn't. Not again... right?

And despite all the placating thoughts he found that he stumbled on the stairs, taking them three at a time, and was on the road before he had even registered getting on the bike.

Matt hardly left the apartment for anything unless it was take-out or cigarettes, the only exception, which Mello dreaded, was the club. He urged the bike faster and not for the first time cursed himself for delaying the flight to NYC to get his damned picture. Matt wouldn't have had the time to-

His thoughts stopped abruptly as he entered the clubs parking area. He didn't see Matt's car. But all available spots were filled so it didn't mean anything. He had forgotten his helmet in the apartment so he simply nudged the kickstand in place and sauntered inside.

It was almost a blessing when he didn't see Matt on that irritatingly familiar stage, and he almost sighed in relief, at least until he saw a glimpse of red hair slinking out of a room to the side and wandering down to the changing rooms.

An overweight man in a suit opened the door next and Mello somehow doubted he was an 'employee'.

His stomach flopped as he brushed passed him and he felt his anger grow, could Matt really have...?

Could he really have decided to go back..?

.

.

~Matt~

The second Matt heard the familiar stomp of boots on the floor he knew it was Mello, as none of the girls that worked there wore anything remotely like that, and he knew it wouldn't be a good confrontation, if there even was such a thing as a good confrontation.

"I needed you for a hacking job and you weren't home and you left your cell phone at the apartment. I had hoped you were out getting food, instead I find you here. I thought I told you to quit this fucking place?" though his words were angry Matt could hear the defeat in them, and had to wonder at it.. had Mello taken this as a sort of failure.. but that didn't matter, did it?

"I don't take orders from you anymore Mello, haven't since we were kids. Besides, this place is... good for me, in a way." he winced at the words that spilled from his lips, he wasn't even sure half of it was exactly true anymore...

"Good for you?" Mello snarled. "How the fuck is this good for you? I know you don't like it. There has to be something else to occupy yourself with or what ever it is you think its doing for you." Mello's eyes were wild and.. sad?

Things hadn't exactly been good between them since he had admitted to going back those two times before, but he had needed something to distract him from Mello and the club had certainly done it. He had known that coming back even once would break his resolve... and it had.

Matt sighed, tugging a new shirt over his sweat slicked torso. And when he failed to answer Mello roughly grabbed his arm; though not enough to even begin to hurt him, mostly force him to pay attention, to let him know he was still there. As if Matt could have forgotten...

"It lets me zone out and forget about everything except the present, that moment and nothing else." to forget Mello and his healing injuries, to forget the insane case that was making them both on edge, to forget the forced atmosphere as of late... to simply forget.

"It helps you... forget?" Mello almost whispered the last part and Matt winced slightly.

"Yeah, there are a rather good lot of things I'd like to forget, starting from fifteen on." he muttered though he hadn't intended for Mello to hear him, though from the way Mello bowed his head he had.

"How?"

Mello had dropped his arm and Matt started to fasten his belt buckle securely. "It's kind of hard to concentrate on anything when you have a 350 pound guy slamming into you so hard you wont be able to shit right for the next week." he muttered quietly.

"I want you to leave Matt. For good, no more falling back to this... place." and it was Mello's tone that had him looking up. Mello wasn't telling him, not ordering him, in any way, but more of... pleading. Which the blond never had done, and Matt could tell, never did.

"I'll quit working here when you can give up the Kira case." he told Mello, hardly daring to breathe for the painfully silent moment afterwards. He hadn't meant to say that... hadn't meant to make Mello choose.

He looked over and Mello's expressions had closed off and he had frozen. And Matt knew he had his answer when Mello twisted suddenly in place and stormed from the dressing room.

Matt continued on to tug on his boots, pretending that it hadn't hurt him. Hadn't affected him in any way... hadn't hurt worse then when Mello had left the first time, without telling him. But he was lying, was hardly fooling himself as his heart clenched. Because somehow... it was worse seeing him walk away and not care at all.

Because Mello had gotten him to care again, after so damn long, only to shove it back in his face. And it hurt so fucking much...

He slid his goggles back over his eyes and shoved a cigarette into his mouth as he walked out a different exit. And the thought that he might have to live with the knowledge that Mello was throwing him away again almost made him double over in agony. He honestly wasn't sure what could give him oblivion this time when, if anything at all.

If only his life didn't suck so badly...

-End Part 12-

AN: Don't hurt me! *ducks knives* there are two more chapters left, though you may not like them, and then the fic is complete! XD