Crash

Chapter 14

Tokiko gave him a piercing look. \"His being a homosexual,\" she said darkly, warningly, \"is the least of my worries at the moment.\" She calmly pulled her arm away from him. Glaring for another long moment, she turned away and quickly slipped off towards her room. As she entered the hallway, she thought she could hear the sound of a door sliding shut.

Yuki was still for a long time, until his cigarette had burned itself down, slipping from his fingers as little more than a few clumps of ash. He followed it soon after, dropping to his knees and then his back in the grass. He wasn\'t sure what he was feeling. Just...kind of empty, a feeling that was so familiar it hurt. \"Fuck.\" He considered getting up, searching out something to help him sleep better, but it seemed like too much effort. So he closed his eyes; just for a while, he reasoned, until the ache faded back to the rear of his skull where it belonged, and his hands...stopped shaking the way they were.

Shuuichi leaned heavigaingainst the wall of his room, eyes closed and a hand over his mouth. He...was feeling a little sick. Voices were echoing painfully through his head, bouncing around like needles and sticking him right behind his eyes and in his temples.

//Oh God....//

He finally opened his eyes, and immediately his gaze was drawn by a pair of orange bottles on his pillow. //What now?// Moving forward, Shuuichi crouched down enough to pick up the pill containers, standing before looking over the prescriptions.

Several moments later he was heading down the hallway again, concentrating on getting to the kitchen for a quick stop, and then he was out to the front of the house. He gasped in the night air, feeling it stinging his eyes as he moved out onto the grass.

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Yuki wasn\'t sure how long he stayed there in the garden, trying not to remember even when he knew it was pointless trying. It might have been hours,didndidn\'t care. This place was against him. Those eyes--even the sting against his cheek was a bitter reminder, and it sent cold apathy into all his limbs.

Eventually he was shivering from the cold, and with a weary sigh Yuki pushed to his feet. He was about to head inside and seek his futon--if not sleep--when he heard something like a thud coming from around the small house. He investigated, if only to avoid going indoors just yet, and…stopped, when he came upon the cause.

Shuuichi hefted his other crutch to his shoulder, blinking down the hill at the small boulder. He launched it without aim--it spun in the air, the bottom end striking the rock and echoing with a satisfying clank. He licked his lips, tasting salt, and quickly took another drink from the small brown jug to drown out the flavor.

Yuki\'s eyes narrowed. He wasn\'t sure what to make of the scene before him, only that...he couldn\'t work up any feeling for it yet. He came forward slowly--was Shuuichi drinking? //I wonder what his mom said to him earlier; it must have been some fight.// He sighed. //Exy why what I don\'t need right now.// \"Shuuichi.\" He came forward, already reaching for a fresh cigarette. He was going to need it. \"You know I\'m not carrying you home.\"

He shuddered at the sound of Yuki\'s voice, even if he didn\'t completely recognize it. Shuuichi glanced briefly ohis his shoulder, blinked, then turned back to finish off the jug. He tossed it half-heartedly at the rock, but it only landed harmlessly beside another empty jug. He reached for a third. \"Not goin\' home,\" he muttered. \"No home, nope, a\'cause I can\' pay no rent....\" He hiccupped.

Yuki rolled his eyes. //There\'s no use dealing with him when he\'s drunk.// But he was coming forward anyway, leaning down so he could pluck the bottle out of Shuuichi\'s hands. \"Then you\'re coming inside, at least. It\'s freezing out here.\"

\"No!\" He reached after the jug, but it was already beyond his fingers. \"No, you give it back! I wasn\'t done!\" Shuuichi hit the ground with his fists in frustration. \"I\'m not comin\' in--I don\' wanna!\"

//Why do I stay with him when he can get like this?// \"You\'re coming inside, because it\'s cold,\" he stated firmly, tossing his cigarette aside even though he\'d just lit it. \"I\'ll drag you if I have to, so can you hold still for a while?\"

Shuuichi shook his head. \"Don\' touch me!\" he nearly shouted, wrapping his arms around himself. \"I don\' wan\' you to take carea me no more. I don\' wanna live here.\" His eyes abruptly brimmed over. \"Damnit! I don\' wan\' any more pity, I don\' wan\' her ta visit me--\" He coughed sharply but continued anyway. \"I...I don\' wanna be a spoiled whore!\"

Yuki froze, a cold chill running through him. Slowly, he straightened. \"So.\" His fingers curled stiffly. \"You heard all that.\"

\"I hate her\" he replied bleakly, staring blankly at his marker-covered casts. \"I...hate them all....\" Shuuichi shuddered as he reached into his pocket. \"Here--gran-pa prolly stole \'em.\" He tossed the pill bottles over his shoulder. \"I hate him, too. I....\" Shuuichi fell to quiet sobs, wrapping his arms around his chest.

Yuki glanced after the bottles only briefly. //So. He heard it, and now he knows, too.// His eyes fell on the boy\'s shuddering form at his feet. //No wonder.// But he was still blissfully numb, and he lowered himself to a crouch next to Shuuichi. \"Stop crying, at least untiget get you to your room,\" he said, louenouenough that Shuuichi would be able to hear him. \"Then you can hate me, too, if you want.\"

Shuuichi whimpered and shook his head. \"I don\' wan you to hate me,\" he cried softly. \"I jus\'...I jus\' wanted to b-be wi\'chu. I don\' wanna mooch....\" He abruptly flopped onto his side, away from Yuki, fixing his blurred eyes on the grass.

This wasn\'t going to get any better, Yuki realized with another sigh. All he could do was get Shuuichi to bed and hope he sobered up by morning. \"I don\'t hate you,\" he told him, trying to pull him upright once more. \"Now come on--I\'m taking you to bed. Then you can get lots of sleep, and in the morning we\'re going home.\"

\"But we can\'t,\" he protested. \"That\'s yur home--I jus\' mooch there.\" Shuuichi shoved half-heartedly at Yuki\'s chest. \"Don\' touch me--I don\' wanna do it now, Yuki....\"

\"I\'m taking you to your room so you can sleep,\" Yuki insisted, losing a little of his patience. Shuuichi reeked of booze, and it was somehow straining his nerves. He started to pull Shuuichi over his shoulder regardless. \"Now cut it out, unless you want to sleep outside in the cold.\"

Shuuichi pouted silently, though when Yuki turned he wiggled a bit in struggle. \"My crutches are over there,\" he protested, stretching out a hand as if to reach them. He abruptly shuddered and instead grabbed Yuki\'s shirt. \"Yuki...sick--\"

\"Fuck.\" Yuki lowered him once more, helping Shuuichi lean to the side in case he vomited. //Fuck it all, I don\'t want to deal with this.//

He shivered for a long moment before his stomach lurched. Burning with shame and pain from hiss, Ss, Shuuichi jerked as he threw up. Several minutes later his stomach was empty, and his mind was a bit clearer. \"Yu...Yuki....\" //What...have en den doing...?//

\"Quiet. Just stop fighting, all right?\" Yuki eased him back, preparing to heft the boy over his shoulder once more. \"Your crutches are broken, so I\'m carrying you inside, all right? Just hold on.\"

Shuuichi limply obeyed, concentrating on keeping from getting sick again. //Thank God...they\'re probably all asleep. They can\'t see this....// His eyes stung, and before he could even think to stop them the tears began to fall. //How did this all happen? How could it....// He reached up with one hand, pressing it to his forehead. //What have I done?//

Yuki grimaced slightly. \"Stop it,\" he said quietly, though he knew that wouldn\'t work. \"It\'s...not what it sounded like. You know better than that.\" He probably could have said anything at this point and Shuuichi wouldn\'t remember later, but...he couldn\'t think of anything. \"We can talk in the morning.\"

\"I don\'t wanna,\" he whispered. \"I...just....\" //Want to sleep forever.// It felt like things were crashing down around him--his mother, his grandparents...and Yuki\'s cold voice, pounding in his temples whenever he exhaled. But all he could do was wait for Yuki to drop him in his suffocating room to pretend to sleep until his grandfather stomped by with the sunrise.

Yuki fell silent for the rest of the short trip inside and down the hall, just praying that Shuuichi\'s family wouldn\'t hear them about. Once in Shuuichi\'s room he set Shuuichi down on the futon. \"I\'ll get you some water,\" he offered, disappearing momentarily into the bathroom. He hesitated just before he came back in. //Damnit. Just…keep it together a little while longer.//

Shuuichi didn\'t speak, obediently drinking the water before feeling the tears welling again--he hated being drunk. He really hated it, but he always resorted to it anyway when things got out of his control. When he was finally lying limply against the cool sheets, he forced himself to meet Yuki\'s eyes. Apologies were on his lips, but he somehow couldn\'t find his voice.

Yuki stared back at him for a while, not sure what to do or. He. He was used to Shuuichi crying, and usually he just found a way to dismiss him. But he couldn\'t walk out on him now, when he was like this. He lowered his gaze guiltily. //He heard all that. Well, fuck. It\'s not like…I was lying.// He ran a hand through his hair. //Was I?// \"We\'re leaving tomorrow,\" he heard himself say. That, at least, he knew for sure. \"There\'s no point in staying here any longer.\"

\"Okay....\" Shuuichi shivered--apparently it had been cold outside. He licked his lips and grimaced at the taste. \"Yuki...I\'m really....\"

\"Don\'t. Not now.\" Yuki looked away, as if searching for escape. //But if I go, he\'s just going to cry all night. And then all morning.// He sighed. //It\'s not as if they all don\'t know now anyway.// Already exhausted, Yuki stretched out on his stomach next to Shuuichi, nudging him over to make room. \"I\'m staying ton tonight,\" he declared. \"Now go to bed.\"

Shuuichi\'s eyes widened, suddenly feeling a bit panicked. \"No, Yuki--\" His fingers curled in the blanket. \"I...I\'ll only keep you up. And you don\'t have enough room....\" //I\'m...gonna cry all over you....//

//I won\'t be sleeping tonight anyway.// \"I don\'t care. At least if I\'m here, I\'m not alone in this hellhole.\" He closed his eyes, telling himself not to say more--it wouldn\'t do any good. But he was saying it anyway. \"And you\'re coming home with me tomorrow, so don\'t go getting any ideas in that pink head of yours.\"

Shuuichi\'s eyes widened at Yuki\'s words, though he felt fresh tears threatening as well. \"Yuki....\" Biting back the rest of his words, Shuuichi wiggled over until he was on the edge of the futon, hoping to give his lover as much room as was needed. //Not alone....// He turned his head away, breathing slowly and shallowly, sniffling quietly.

Yuki frowned into the cushions, feeling the bitter taste of bile at the back of his throat. Neither of them was going to sleep. And even if he knew Shuuichi might not remember it later, he found himself talking anyway. \"You weren\'t supposed to hear all that,\" he said. \"I didn\'t mean it.\"

Shuuichi blinked, very slowly turning back. //Yuki....// He licked his lips. \"Didn\'t mean...what you said?\" he asked a bit weakly. \"Or...didn\'t mean for...me to hear?\" He hiccupped, then quickly covered his mouth to silence any more.

Yuki sighed and turned his head so he could stare up at Shuuichi with one tired eye. \"You\'re not a whore,\" he replied. \"She was pissing me off--I probably shouldn\'t have said those things, but it\'s too late now.\" He scowled into the futon. \"Not that she would have believed it from you any better.\"

Shuuichi\'s eyes softened and blurred, a few tears slipping out. \"Oh.\" He sniffled and reached up, wiping his nose. \"I...I will help more,\" he whispered bleakly--he had to offer something. \"I\'ll help....\"

\"I\'m not asking you to.\" Yuki hid his face once more, his words coming out muffled. He...felt like he was shaking, just a little, caught up in too much anger and confusion and something else entirely. \"If I didn\'t want you there I\'d kick you out for good. It\'s...fine, the way it is. You can pay me back when you\'re working again.\"

He sighed tremulously. \"Okay,\" he murmured. \"I will...later.\" Turning his head away again, Shuuichi closed his eyes and tugged his blanket higher. He couldn\'t stop the slowly falling tears, though, and they continued to slide down his face to dampen the futon. He was aching--his throat and chest and back...his legs.... It made breathing normally difficult and took too much concentration, especially between sniffles.

Yuki listened to him for a while. He knew he wasn\'t going to sleep tonight, but if he had to listen to Shuuichi sniffling all night he just might go crazy, too. He would have left, to find his pills and drug himself down until morning, but...the car was out there, and he was afraid that if he left Shuuichi now he just might keep going. He was good at running away like that. \"Stop crying,\" he said at last, quietly. \"You know I didn\'t mean it, we\'ll be gone in the morning. There\'s nothing to cry over.\"

\"I know, just....\" It was too much, between arguments and alcohol and his aching body. Shuuichi pulled the pillow from behind his head and placed it over his face as he started to really cry. If he could just let it out, could exhaust himself, he would sleep. Even as it made his chest burn he curled onto his side, away from Yuki, letting the thick cotton and fabric muffle his voice. It didn\'t take him long, maybe only a few minutes, before he was growing limp again.

Again Yuki fell silent, feeling his own throat constrict and burn. //I don\'t want to hear him cry.// But even when he pressed his hands over his ears it didn\'t help; they were still close enough that he could feel Shuuichi\'s body shake a little with every sob. //I can\'t do this.// He pushed himself up abruptly, scraping the back of his hand across his mouth. Though he\'d intended for the door he turneruptruptly, taking him instead to the window so he could get a breath of fresh air. Hopefully it would be enough to calm him.

Shuuichi felt Yuki leave, but he was too exhausted to pay attention to where he might have gone, or to even dredge up more tears at being suddenly alone. He finally fell still, and his hands fell from the pillow, letting it drop to the floor. Eyes closed and sore, he gasped softly to regain his breath. //Tired....// Head turned to the side, Shuuichi weakly tugged the blanket up to his chin. He would have liked to look around, but his body wouldn\'t move, and he was finally dragged down to sleep.

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As expected, Yuki didn\'t sleep at all that night. He stood at the window for a long time, just trying to keep his fingers from shaking around the still, and when he glanced back Shuuichi looked asleep. He couldn\'t bring himself to return to his side. Instead he sat down in the corner of the room, knees bent and head leaning against the wall, just...resting. Remembering. And before he knew it light was creeping through the open window. He blinked up at it dumbly. //Morning. That means...we can go.// But he didn\'t move right away, trying to work up the strength for it.

Shuuichi groaned faintly as the sun struck him in the face, and he immediately turned away from it, pulling his blanket over his head. His skull was pounding, as was his chest. Reaching out over the edge of the futon, he snagged his bag without looking, trying to hunt up the painkillers his doctor had given him. //Though...I might get sick again....//

Yuki glanced up at him. //He\'s awake.// With a quiet groan he pushed himself out of the corner, using the wall to steady himself a moment as he started toward Shuuichi. Without a word he knelt down to find the bottle Shuuichi must have been looking for. \"You should eat something first,\" he advised quietly. \"You can\'t take these on an empty stomach.\" His voice sounded haggard, and he cleared his throat sharply.

Shuuichi shook his head weakly. \"I\'ll just...puke it up,\" he muttered. //He\'s still here....// There was some relief in that, and Shuuichi gave up his search to let Yuki handle it. He groaned softly. \"My head is splitting....\"

Yuki found the pills, but didn\'t open them just yet. Shuuichi was right--he\'d have to wait until his stomach was a little more settled. Instead he reached down, passing his hand through Shuuichi\'s hair. \"Just stay still for a while, then.\"

He moaned, but otherwise didn\'t protest. He was quiet a moment. \"Yuki....\" //What...happened yesterday? How did everything get so awful?// \"Did...they leave yet?\" //Please let them be gone. Let us...just get away.//

\"I don\'t know,\" Yuki admitted. \"But I haven\'t heard them.\" He glanced up at the screen warily, as if expecting it to fly open at any moment. \"I\'ll go see,\" he offered. \"I have to get your crutches, anyway, and I\'ll be back. All right?\"

\"Okay.\" Shuuichi stayed beneath the blankets until he heard Yuki leave, and he finally came out with a wince. //I want to leave.// He carefully began peeling off his shirt, glaring at his shorts as he started on them. It took a lot of stretching and a final angry kick that made him gasp with pain, but he finally managed to get everything off. Pulling on fresh boxers and shorts was much easier than getting the old off, and soon he was dressed again. His head was pounding so badly he could almost see spots behind his eyelids whenever he closed them, and when he was finished he flopped over with the pillow back over his head. //I just want to be out of here....//

Yuki kept his head lowered as he made his way outside, as if that would keep Shuuichi\'s family from spotting him. //Damn them. I shouldn\'t have said anything--I shouldn\'t have gotten involved. Then we could have just left and none of this mess would have happened.//

Finding Shuuichi\'s crutches was easy; they were slick with dew, and he took a moment to wipe them dry on his shirt before starting back toward the house. It was then that his foot struck something small and plastic, and he glanced down dully at the small orange pill bottle. His eyes narrowed. //I missed a dose. But I don\'t want to take it now, if I\'m going to be driving.// Feeling a little numb he picked up both prescriptions and shoved them in his pockets, returning to Shuuichi\'s room.

Shuuichi pulled the pillow back gingerly when he heard someone enter his room, and he couldn\'t help some relief to see it was just Yuki returning. He pushed himself upright with a wince, pressing a hand to his temple. //Yuki....// \"Are we...really going?\" he asked faintly, afraid that they could be stopped or that Yuki might have changed his mind or...any number of things.

\"Yes. As soon as we\'re packed--we can get breakfast on the road.\" He set the crutches next to Shuuichi. \"You were able to get dressed yourself,\" he remarked, somewhat relieved. It would only make things that much faster.

He nodded. \"I want to go.\" Shuuichi turned to start packing, but he paused as he lifted his notebook. //I...can\'t just vanish. Even after all that....// Sighing, he picked up a pen. \"I\'m...leaving a note,\" he mumbled, already starting to scribble a few quick words. \"Just so they know...we left.\"

Yuki nodded vaguely. \"I\'m going to get packed.\" He groaned softly as he pushed to his feet; he was a little sore from spending all night sitting up, and the drive wasn\'t going to help. \"We\'ll probably spend tonight at a hotel,\" he said thoughtfully as he started for the door.

\"Okay.\" Steeling himself, Shuuichi continued to write.

He finished quickly and packed his few things. Not bothering to try and clean up his futon, he left the note on the pillow, shouldered his backpack, and maneuvered himself out to the hallway and towards Yuki\'s room. \"Yuki? I\'m all finished....\" //I need a nap--my head is going to explode.//

\"All right.\" Yuki slipped his bag over his shoulder, carrying his laptop case in the other as he emerged from his room. //He looks awful.// But he felt like they were making a daring escape, and he didn\'t want to lose their momentum. \"If you\'re ready, we can go.\" He turned, starting toward the front of the house.

Shuuichi followed at a slower pace, not even reaching the car until Yuki had already stowed his own things away. Opening the back, he tossed in his bag but paused with the crutches--he wouldn\'t be able to put them in and then get around to his door. //I don\'t want to ask him to do more, but....// He glanced up at Yuki guiltily. \"Yuki...?\"

\"I know--go ahead and get in, I\'ll take them.\" Yuki waited until Shuuichi had worked his way into the passenger seat before taking the crutches, bringing them around to the trunk. On his way back, though, he felt a pair of eyes on him, and with a bit of dread he raised his gaze to the house. Shuuichi\'s mother was standing in the front door, her arms folded and face cold. But she didn\'t speak or move any closer, even as Yuki approached the open driver side door. \"Shuuichi.\"

He nodded, already having spotted her. //Mom...I\'m sorry. But I don\'t belong here, and you know that.// Shuuichi met her eyes, and he managed not to flinch beneath her frozen stare. \"Let\'s go, Yuki,\" he said quietly, buckling his seatbelt purposefully. \"Please....\"

\"All right.\" Yuki slid in behind the steering wheel, trying not to look at her again as he started the car and began to pull away from the house. It was better this way--better that they leave than hang around, only to be scorned and mistreated. As Shuuichi\'s former home slipped away behind them Yuki reached out, clasping his wrist briefly. \"Are you all right?\"

Shuuichi took a deep breath, feeling as though he\'d been suffocating until that moment. He glanced back just to be sure the house was out of sight, and with relief he clasped Yuki\'s hand and leaned close. He pressed his forehead against Yuki\'s shoulder for a moment. \"I\'m okay,\" he whispered, and at last pulled back. \"Just...tired....\"

\"Go to sleep, if you can. I\'ll wake you up when I\'ve found a place where we can get breakfast.\" He wasn\'t especially hungry, but he wouldn\'t be able to drive very far if he didn\'t at least get some coffee in him. \"It\'s better this way,\" he said vaguely as he returned his hand to the steering wheel.

Shuuichi tilted back his seat and draped an arm over his eyes. \"I know,\" he replied. Luckily, he was too tired to start crying again, and he sighed. //We\'re okay now. We\'ll get home and fix everything, and it will go back to like it was before. We\'ll go back to normal.// \"Yuki?\" His voice was low, already half asleep. \"I\'m...glad you were here,\" he murmured tremulously. \"I\'m sorry...about everything...but I....\" //I wouldn\'t have made it without you....//

\"I know. And it\'s all right.\" //Nothing I haven\'t dealt with before.// Yuki drove a little faster, taking them further away from the old house. \"Get some rest, Shuuichi. We\'ll...be home soon.\"

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