Come What May

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters. I am a part owner of Kyosuke, though.

NC-17

If you have time, please review. Thank you!!


Well. Writing this chapter sucked. It was hard. It took a ton of rewrites, a ton of time, and it barely resembles what I wrote to begin with. Shall we say I had some serious issues with it? Ash told me first and then Kri agreed that the chapter was… crap. So I rewrote it but it was still… flat. Ash was lukewarm with the rewrite – so I tried again. And again. Looking for opinions on what to improve, I sent it to Tsubaki who, I think, wondered what was wrong with me. So I sent it to Kri again and asked for the velvet hammer. She gave it to me - three pages worth. After that, I was gratefully on track again. Ash gave me some clean up pointers and here it is.

It’s turned out to be a very important chapter. I even like it, now. Sort of.

I cut out most of the smut, by the way. Like Eiri, I was trying to avoid the emotional issues at hand and I opted for the easier path of sex. Luckily, I have two betas that care about the story. So, if you like this chapter, be sure to thank them.


Come What May


Chapter 13
Should I Stay or Should I go?


Darling you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
Ill be here ‘til the end of time
So you got to let know
Should I stay or should I go?

Always tease, tease, tease
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
One day is fine, next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

********************************

I thought I was hearing things. Eiri was telling me we needed to talk? In normal relationships, ‘needing to talk’ was usually a bad thing, but our relationship was anything but normal. I had no point of reference to know what ‘needing to talk’ meant when it came from Eiri.

After all, when did Eiri ever volunteer to talk?

"What?" I finally said as I blinked at him, convinced I had misunderstood him.

"Come on," he said as he gently took my hand and led me to the couch.

Now I was really confused.

We sat down and he stared at me, waiting.

“Okay,” I finally asked. “What did you want to say?”

“I thought you had something you wanted to say,” he said quietly.

“I do. But since you started this little talk,” I pulled my hand away from his and crossed my arms. “I think that means you go first.”

He stared at me.

I stared back. He looked as though he had swallowed a sourball. It seemed he hadn't expected me to make him go first. Typical. I waited patiently and watched the emotions tumble inside him. No one other than me would even notice a change in him, but I saw pure chaos and fear behind those golden eyes.

Really, what did he have to fear?

"I..." He began and then he started again. "Are we...?” He exhaled and withdrew once again.

There was panic in his eyes.

After a long painful moment, I couldn't stand it anymore and I sighed. "You really are hopeless. I guess, as usual, I have to go first." I really didn't mind talking first, but I did like making him squirm.

"Thanks..." he practically whispered, relief and gratitude clear on his face.

Well, now, I felt a little bit like a heel for making him squirm. In order to sooth him a bit, I reached out and took his hand again before I said, “I’ll start, Eiri, but I want to do this in the music room.”

“The music room?” he said with surprise. “Why there?”

I smiled thinly as I answered, “Because I don’t want to wake Maiko if we… get into it.”

He nodded as we both stood and made our way to the music room.

In our previous three and a half years together, Eiri had changed me. His inability to bend had forced me into living like him, to abandon my taste for gaudy furnishings and bright colors. We’d had many harsh arguments over the decorating of 'our' house and, as usual, I was the one to finally give way and drop it. Our apartment completely satisfied Eiri’s discriminations and resembled a minimalist painting - sparse and bland.

After Eiri left for New York, I lived with friends for about a year. When I’d finally healed enough emotionally to live on my own, I decided to buy my own place. But once I moved in, I found I was confused about how to decorate it. The next few months proved to be an interesting exercise in soul searching for me.

I hired the best decorators in all of Tokyo to give me something wild and unique. I spent three weeks with them viewing all kinds of motifs, consulting on colors, patterns, and fabrics. I settled on a 1960’s retro look - complete with beanbag chairs, organic-looking objects d'art, beaded curtains, and lava lamps. It was everything to do with pop culture, the opposite of what I lived in before, but most importantly, it was everything Eiri loathed.

I felt it was a new beginning for me. I was proud of my independence and for two weeks, and while the decorators remade my apartment, I was confident I was finally and completely free of Eiri. That is, until I saw the finished project. It was exactly what I’d asked for; the rooms were neon bright, full of frantic motion and they were unbelievably tacky. And what I found to be most distressing of all was the amount of clutter. There were things everywhere and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get comfortable in the garish surroundings.

I hated it.

About a week later, my expensive designer apartment came to an abrupt and violent death. A bottle of whiskey, a few pills and a baseball bat was all the motivation I needed. It took me about an hour, in full destructive mode, to reduce my self-proclaimed independence from Eiri to a pile of splinters, broken glass, loose beads and torn bits of paisley fabric.

Ironically, it was the ever-extravagant Tohma who finally coaxed me into attempting something more streamlined. He was patient and tolerant of my ranting behavior as I proclaimed myself entirely unlike Eiri when it came to home furnishings. Tohma rationally explained to me that possibly I would be calmer in an environment I was accustomed too. He assured me that my own additions over time would make my house into a home and something wholly "Shuichi."

To this day, I hated to admit it, but the tricky little bastard was right.

In the end, Eiri's tastes lingered with me until eventually, I had no choice but to accept that they were my tastes as well. My house remained practically empty, with the blaring exception of one room.

The music room.

When we lived together, the one room I’d had complete control over was the music room. In those days, it was cramped and small, and jam-packed full of my clutter. Eiri would never even open the door.

Now, my music room was bigger - room for three to jam in comfort. I had an overstuffed loveseat, a couple of sturdy stools, and a library table. Paper covered the top of the table, loose-leaf music, and books on music theory, notebooks filled with lyrics, ideas, and doodles. My computerized keyboard took up a conservative corner near the door, and a multitude of various musical instruments lay strewn around the room. On the wall hung pictures of Bad Luck, Nittle Grasper, my family members, and friends. There were several shelves literally overflowing with CDs and I, of course, had a very sophisticated, state of the art sound system with which to play them.

I knew Eiri would be uncomfortable enclosed in the disarray, but I insisted we speak there because the room was soundproof. I didn’t want Maiko to witness my breakup with Eiri on top of everything else she had endured. She was fond of Eiri and I was afraid she would take our breakup doubly hard now.

Yet, I couldn't get over how fitting it was. Our passionate relationship began on Eiri's sparse hardwood floor with a Nittle Grasper video playing in the background and it would end in my chaotic music room underneath a poster of Nittle Grasper in concert.

We sat on the loveseat and I pulled my knee up, turning to face him. "Do you love me?” I shook my head. “No, never mind, I know the answer to that question."

"Do you?" He asked softly, eyes full of fear.

“Yes, I do know that you love me,” I inhaled deeply. My heart constricted with the words I needed to say. “But I don’t know if that’s enough anymore, Eiri.”

“What are you saying?” Eiri asked evenly, but I didn’t miss the incredulous, startled look he gave me.

I swallowed before I continued, realizing this would be far more difficult than I ever imagined. “In the past 48 hours, I’ve had a lot of time to think about you and me. We’ve been through a lot, and there was a time when I thought that nothing could keep us apart,” I smiled wanly, sadly, before I continued. “But I was a fool, wasn’t I? You’ve always known how foolish I was, how naïve and idiotic I was. I should have listened to you long ago.”

He stared at me as his mask of disdain and denial fell into place.

That look stirred up all the past hurt in me and the tears started then, I couldn’t stop them if I wanted to. “It hurts too much when you leave me and I can’t take it anymore.”

“But, I didn’t…”

I interrupted him, rubbing impatiently at my tears. I wanted to keep some dignity while I ended us. “No, Eiri, let me finish.”

He nodded, but there was a slight crumbling in his mask and the look of fear momentarily returned in his eyes.

Exhaling this time, I picked up the thread of thought again, my voice quivered with the words. “It hurts when you leave me, when I don’t know if you intend on ever coming back or not. Our relationship is so uncertain and chaotic – and I know I’m partly to blame for that – but, when you disappear, I can’t handle it. I know you have your own issues and your own fears, but I really can’t live with the uncertainty anymore. You told me you wouldn’t leave me anymore, you promised me and yet you did. You may not see it as leaving, but I do.”

“Sorry,” he said quietly and his eyes told me he was sincere.

“I know you are,” I replied as I reached out and caressed his perfect cheek lovingly, trying to memorize the feel of his skin under my fingers. “I really do. But sorry isn’t enough for me anymore, Eiri. It can’t undo what’s been done.”

“Shuichi…” he whispered as he reached for me.

“No!” I hissed at him, my anger and hurt unfolding once again as I slapped his hand away. “Sweet words and ‘sorry’ – they’re not enough. Not any more.”

He watched me and waited patiently, his fingers twitching in the way that told me he was longing for nicotine.

“I can’t risk losing any more of myself. It hurts too much Eiri, and so much of me is already beyond repair.” My anger mixed with my trickle of tears and I had to struggle to make myself understood as I finished, “I’m not strong enough to do it anymore. I can’t allow you to hold our relationship - no – I can’t allow you to hold my heart hostage with your whims any longer.”

“Hostage?” he asked with confusion. “Explain.”

“Yes, hostage! When you walk out, what do you expect me to do?” I didn’t shout, but I was shaking with my anger and my indignity of having to spell out how his actions affected me. After all this time, how could he not know? “Am I supposed to chase you; or not? And if I do, what do I do if you tell me to fuck off again? Am I supposed to just accept your harsh words and go away? Or am I supposed to fight on? I thought you wanted me before, that’s why I was so persistent, that was how I could continue fighting. But in the end, it turned out you didn’t want me at all.”

He opened his mouth, but I cut him off.

“Okay, maybe you did want me when you were in New York, but that doesn’t change the fact that you did everything you could to push me away.” I had to pause, I was speaking so fast and my emotions were running so high, I was out of breath. I was amazed I wasn’t shouting. “You did everything to distance yourself, to erase me from your life. You didn’t even keep tabs on what I did, who I was with or where I was at. You treated me as if I’d never existed.”

I rubbed at my eyes again, trying to get my tears under control. “You told other people you were trying to keep me safe, but did you fucking bother to tell me that?”

He stared at me, those golden eyes full of uncertainty.

“Did you?” I demanded quietly.

“No,” he finally answered.

With his admission, the last control on my emotions broke and I was stunned to find it was searing pain and not anger at the forefront. The deep wound that never healed was exposed. “So how the hell was I supposed to know you still cared when you wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone? I’m not sure you really understand what happened to me then Eiri. I changed. You may have still wanted me, you may have still loved me, but in my mind, you didn’t and something… broke inside me.”

He was watching me intently, worrying at his bandages, but he held his tongue.

I crossed my arms in an attempt to become smaller before continuing. “I had no idea you still cared about me when you were in New York. After a year, I had to take your words at face value and believe that you really were gone. And somehow, in spite of not wanting to, I managed to live on after your absence. Somehow, I survived.”

I was practically hyperventilating as I blurted out, “I think it’s time, Eiri. It’s time to bring us to an end.”

“What?” he asked, his voice was a complete monotone.

Taking one more shuddering breath I said, “I survived being without you before. And you survived without me in New York. Now it’s time to end this fiasco of a relationship once and for all.”

Eiri blinked at me before coldly clarifying my statement, “And this is your decision?”

His cool detachment galvanized me, and brought my anger roaring to the surface. My tears slowed and, suddenly, I wanted to hurt him. My fists closed and I felt my nails dig deep into my palms. I wanted to wipe the smug coolness off his beautiful face and see him guilty and sad over what he had done to me.

No, I didn’t want to see him guilty and sad; I wanted to see him devastated.

“Yes, that is what I’m saying, Yuki. I’m through with being your plaything. Go and find someone else to mind fuck.”

Staring at me he said, “Mind fuck? What are you talking about?”

“You use my weakness to woo me, you promise me anything and you know I’ll believe you. I fall for your empty words, your lies every time – and every time I end up alone and heartbroken. Go use your lines on another sucker; plenty of people want you, after all. And most wouldn’t be so annoying and complain as much as I do.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” he answered dismissively.

“Okay,” I exhaled before continuing. “Here’s the no-drama approach: I’m breaking up with you. There’s the door. See ya. Is that clear enough for you?”

He didn’t move as I watched his eyes fill with a thousand emotions before he said, very slowly, “Didn’t you say that you love me?”

“Yes, Eiri, I did,” I sighed in exasperation. “And as much as I would like to deny it, I can’t. I love you more than anyone or anything else in this world. It’s totally insane, and I probably need to be institutionalized for it, but I do love you.”

“Then why?”

“Why?” I laughed with hollow sarcasm. Why did he have to make this harder than it already was? “Damn you, Eiri, I can’t believe you need to ask me that!”

“I do need to ask you,” he said evenly. “We’ve had this discussion before and I’ve told you I’m not a mind reader. If you don’t explain it to me, I don’t understand. I need to have it explained to me. So tell me, why?”

Eiri’s words were truthful. He had told me in the past that he needed to have things spelled out for him, and that he wasn’t ‘psychic’ as he put it. But on the other hand, sometimes I suspected Eiri was obtuse on purpose, just to rattle me and gain the upper hand in our verbal struggles. But this time, I felt an odd disconnection happening inside, in spite of my continuing tears; I found that explaining helped to calm and center my thoughts.

“It’s because you and I are terrible together, Eiri and don’t pretend you don’t see it. Being together hurts both of us and it never stops. I want it to stop. Just because we love each other doesn’t mean we’re right together. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

“But we…”

Not allowing him to finish, I pulled out the final reserve, my secret weapon, I used his actions in order to rationalize our impending breakup. “I know you understand, Eiri, because it’s the same reasoning you used when you left me two years ago.”

Seeing his miniscule flinch told me more than I needed to know. My arrow hit the mark, I had hurt him; I had made him feel guilty. Clamping my mouth shut, I quickly reigned in the volatile anger I was feeling. I realized as I watched him closely that I didn’t need to go any further in order to give him a deep wound; he was already sporting a self-inflicted whopper.

I was sick with the thought that I was winning this fight. There would be no victory with this argument; this was rationalizing my way into a soul-destroying break up.

“So, there’s no hope?” he continued flatly.

I shook my head, “No, Eiri. How can there be any hope?” I couldn’t believe what I had just said. I felt as if my heart was freezing, becoming complete ice so it could shatter into tiny bits. I hung my head and a new wave of pain threatened to break through. I knew this feeling well; we were old friends. The renewed tears I shed were only a leak in the dam.

Maiko’s situation had made me feel vulnerable, aware of what I would be losing when one of us left this room, ending our sad relationship once and for all. The fear and agony washed through me and I wasn’t sure I could swim the tide of pain this time. I was terrified of the emotional undertow; terrified of what I would become and what desperate measures I would take in order to endure the pain.

I would be alone again.

“And you’d feel better if I was gone from your life?” He asked quietly, as if he really could read my mind, the bastard.

“Why are we still talking about this? You always say you’ve had your fill of my tears. You always say you’re tired of my emotional outbursts. Well, here’s your chance to walk away and be completely free of me, Eiri.” I snapped at him, my self-defensive anger kicking in, attempting to get my coping skills on line. They may not have been perfect, but they were all I had.

“I asked you if you’d feel better if I was gone,” he repeated.

“Of course I wouldn’t feel better!” I snarled at him. “But I told you – I can’t take it anymore. You hurt me, I hurt you, it’s horrible, Eiri, and you know it. It’s time for both of us to let go. I promise you, I won’t come after you this time. You have your greatest wish, Eiri; you’re finally free of me. So go home, now, okay? It’s better if we don’t drag this out with Maiko here.” I reached out blindly and squeezed his arm as I pleaded with him, “Go home now, please.”

Still he didn’t move and after several minutes, he finally asked, “Are you finished talking, now?”

I managed to nod.

There was a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on for an eternity. I had released him, so why hadn’t he left? I looked up through the shroud of my bangs to see Eiri chewing on his lip. I lowered my eyes again, afraid that if I made eye contact, I would crumple and beg him to stay.

He stood and I felt my frozen heart fall. It shattered as I heard his retreat. When the door to the music room closed, it was all I could do to keep myself from chasing after him. “Eiri… I’m sorry,” I whispered through the deluge of my tears as I collapsed, my body becoming completely limp with numbness. I slid off the loveseat and my head rolled, as did my tears, to rest on my folded arms that lay across the cushions.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The apology became my mantra as I repeated it again and again, the pain in my chest tightened as I gasped out the words until they became nonsensical syllables, nothing more than a keening wail that in the lonely, soundproof room, no one else could hear. There was a roaring in my ears and I clawed at the loveseat as my cries and sobs continued.

It was my decision this time. This time, I had ended it. Somehow, I’d hoped for more of a fight from him… somehow I’d wanted so much more. But he had disappointed me right to the end, hadn’t he? And I had no one to blame but myself, because this time, I was the one to bring on my own suffering.

How could I survive this?

Through my racking, shuddering sobs, I managed to hear the click of a lighter. I didn’t move as the sadness continued to assault me, certain I was only imagining things.

There was another click and then I heard, “Damn it.”

Looking up in tear-blurred bewilderment, I saw Eiri struggling with the lighter in his right hand. I was confused as to why he was back in the room. Had he forgotten something?

The lighter came to life with his third try and he finally managed to light the cigarette dangling from his mouth. He gave me a cursory look and then moved to sit down.

Shifting my body to one side of the cushions, making room for him, I finally tried to talk. “Wh… what are you doing here?”

I felt, rather than saw him sit down next to me. “I had to get my cigarettes. On my way back I saw the box of tissues and thought you might need them. You were starting to look a bit disgusting. Come on, get off the floor.”

Squeezing my eyes shut caused more tears to spring from my eyes, but I couldn’t look at him. I crawled blindly to sit next to him as I asked, “You… you didn’t leave?”

“Does it look like I’ve left, moron?” he answered sarcastically.

I heard the sound of tissues pulled from a box.

“No,” I shook my head, still keeping my eyes closed.

“Besides,” he lifted my chin and then I felt him dab at my tears. “I haven’t had a chance to give you my answer.”

“Answer?” I opened my eyes.

“Yeah,” he was glaring at me. “My answer to you breaking up with me.”

“Eiri,” I began in aggravation, I really didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “I wasn’t asking. Why do you have to be such a prick about it?”

He ignored me, “My answer is no.”

“Wh… what?” I stared to hiccup.

“You heard me,” he replied as he blotted my face.

“What do you mean, ‘no’?” I answered, trying to get a handle on both the conversation and my pain. My confusion at his return had addled me.

“What do you think it means, dumb ass? I mean ‘no, I’m not leaving and we aren’t breaking up’,” he answered hotly. “We’ve been through too much. I’ve agreed to go to fucking therapy with you. I’m not letting you give up now.”

“Eiri, it’s not…”

“You said you were done talking, so it’s my turn to speak,” he hissed at me angrily.

I nodded as I held my tongue. It was only fair.

“I know I’m not the most… communicative of people and I… well, I’m not very good at articulating anything other than anger and sarcasm,” he explained.

Sighing heavily, I said, “I know.”

He shook his head, “No, I don’t think you do. Or maybe you have forgotten because I was gone so long, but I’ll remind you now; just because I can’t express myself in a normal fashion doesn’t mean that I don’t feel.”

My eyes were riveted on him but I didn’t speak. Something in his words bothered me, making me feel uncomfortable. I was beginning to understand that Eiri was hurting almost as much as I was. Was it possible I had ignored his feelings completely? Had I been completely selfish? I watched him closely, looking for signs of his pain, as he continued to wrestle with every word.

“Sometimes I do… sometimes things happen that scare you, but I am trying,” he exhaled as he tried to explain without taking the full blame for his actions. “Even you, with your puny brain, should be able to see that.”

I nodded again, my head pounding, my body shaking, and my tears still pouring. He was hurting, maybe even more than I was. Still, I took advantage of the pause to say quietly, “But Eiri, I’m so tired of it. Every time, it hurts so much I think I’ll die. I know you must be tired of it, too.”

“Of course I get tired of it,” he said quietly as he smoothed back my hair. “It’s a pain in the ass to be in a relationship. But I’ll take it, all of the bullshit, all of the pain over being… without you.”

The fingers of his right hand slid down the side of my face with a slow caress and then he closed my mouth gently. I had been gaping at him in disbelief, unaware that my mouth was hanging open.

Taking my hand once again, he sat back in the loveseat, still holding my gaze. “New York was a mistake, a lie. It was eighteen months that I never want to repeat. All that crap I told you about not wanting to be with you was a lie, and you know that. You’ve always known. I was trying to protect myself from the pain of being in a relationship by lying to you and to myself.”

He reached out and cupped my cheek as his eyes delved into mine. “It’s exactly what you are trying to do right now. You are lying to both of us by trying to end our relationship.”

I was speechless. All I could do was stare at him.

He sighed before he continued, “Look, I know what you’ve lived through; I know you were only trying to fill the emptiness inside while holding the world at arm’s length. I’ve lived it, too. It’s death with a heartbeat. You can’t expect me to believe you want to live like that again. I know I don’t.”

Death with a heartbeat, the phrase resounded through me, merging with the painful discord of music in my head. All at once, I realized with startling clarity that Eiri did understand what I was feeling. Shaking my head and clutching for his leg I sobbed out, “No… it’s not what I want.”

“Good,” he answered absently as he pulled out more tissues with his uncooperative right hand. “I know you don’t really want me to go, so please don’t say it again.”

“Okay,” I whispered wondering if I was dreaming, wondering if this person sitting next to me was really Yuki Eiri.

“And by the way, moron, this time I didn’t leave you,” he snapped angrily.

I continued to watch him, but the caustic tone in his voice served to relax me, it let me know it was really Eiri.

“I went to see Mika. I wanted her to explain what happened, what drove you to do such… things. Even though I already knew why you did what you did.”

Finding my tongue I finally asked, “Wh… what did Mika tell you?”

“She said it was my fault, entirely,” he sighed, still dabbing at my never-ending stream of tears with his clumsy right hand. “Everything.”

Mika. Calm, reasonable, and brutally frank Mika. She’d probably really let Eiri have it. “No,” I answered as I closed my eyes. “She’s wrong, Eiri. It wasn’t your fault. There are things I did… horrible things, and I can’t blame anyone else for them.”

“Now is not the time to try and comfort me,” he said with irritation. “After everything… you’re right, I’m not surprised you have reservations about being with me. But I want to make it up to you, if you’ll let me. I want to…” his voice cracked softly and I opened my eyes.

He was crying. It takes a miracle to get tears from Eiri and he takes them very personally, unlike me, who wears his emotions on his sleeve all the time. Those few tears told me more than an hour-long conversation could. They told me he was afraid of losing me. They told me he was hurting from my actions and my words. They told me he was sincere in his apology. They told me he was desperate to keep me.

They told me he loved me.

At the sight of those tears, and all they meant, my resolve snapped in two. I reached for him as I sobbed out his name.

“Don’t leave me,” he choked out, but that was all he managed to say before I threw my arms around him and straddled his lap, trying to get as close to him as I possibly could. His arms wrapped around me and squeezed me fiercely, as if he were afraid I wasn’t real. I felt his body shudder as the torrent of emotion swept through him. I didn’t say anything and I knew words were useless at this point. All I could do was embrace him and stroke his hair. As we held one another for what felt like a lifetime, his body spoke to mine of pain, sorrow, and fear.

Eiri had been hurting for a long, long time, and this pain was beyond what I had felt before. He had been hurting over me, the guilt over physically injuring me, the guilt over leaving me, the pain of his separation from me, the pain of lying to me in order to keep me away, his overwhelming misery of being alone. How had I not seen all of that pain and suffering? My arms tightened around him, trying to soothe his fear and ease his torment.

Finally, after his shaking had slowed and his breathing returned to normal, he grumbled, “We are such idiots.”

I started to laugh, even though my own tears continued to fall and my hiccups persisted. “Yes, we are. I love you, Eiri.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

I understood how monumental those words were for him to say. He did love me, I knew, but for him to almost to say the words at such an emotional time was proof.

Eiri was capable of saying ‘I love you’ to me, but it had to be when he was off guard and not aware of what was coming. If he needed to say the words, it was as if his tongue had frozen to the roof of his mouth. And yet, in spite of his difficulty in speaking those precious words, I’d heard it more in the last six months than I had in our previous three and a half years. First, he gave me his tears and now an almost verbal confession of love. There could be no doubt that he was changing and that he was trying.

Maybe I had expected too much from him too soon. Maybe I had been too selfish in my demands, too wrapped up in my own fears and pain to see what he was going through.

After several moments, I admitted, “I do want to be with you, Eiri. I really do.”

His body relaxed with my utterance, “That’s… good.”

I wiggled closer, my tears slowing but still falling.

“You’re getting my shirt all wet,” he grumbled.

“Yeah,” I sighed in his sensitive ear and gave it a nip.

“Hey,” he said as he squeezed me tighter. “Are you done with your histrionics now?”

“Maybe,” I answered, wisely not pointing out his emotional display. “Why?”

“Why do you think?” he answered my question with a question.

“Eiri, you’re kidding, right? You’ve already had me twice today,” I complained half-heartedly. Really, the thought of making love sounded very good to me.

He replied with a tender kiss, full of longing and need. I responded by pressing against him, hugging him tightly as we continued to kiss each other gently.

I would be a fool if I didn't understand how we needed time to hold each other, entwining our hearts and limbs with one another. Our bodies could sooth one another the way words never could. And of course, I couldn't resist. I was nothing but malleable goo for this man. If he knew how weak I was… That was silly; of course he knew how weak I was for him.

But every now and then, I guess I needed to be reminded how weak he was for me.

I felt the tip of his tongue brush lightly against my lips and I opened my mouth, allowing my tongue to greet his. We were tentative and unhurried as we tasted and caressed one another, both of us relaxing as we began the process of healing.

“Let’s go to the bedroom,” he whispered. “Your sister…”

“It’s a gamble,” I muttered as I slid off his lap. “As you said, her timing is impeccable, but I’m willing to risk her walking in on us if you are.”

“As if I’m worried about that,” he muttered as he got to his feet. "I'm worried about hearing her if she needs us."

"Oh," I smiled with his consideration of Maiko. Suddenly, my tears began falling again as I felt the love for this angry, socially inept man overflow inside me.

He sighed. “Why are you crying now?”

“Because,” I said hoarsely, “I love you.”

“Whatever. Come on,” he said more assertively and then he waved his bandaged hand in the air, “You’ll have to…”

“Yes, Eiri, I know.” I stood up and rubbed at my still damp eyes. “I need to wash my face.”

He nodded as he held up his pack of cigarettes. I lit a cigarette for him and told him I’d meet him in the bedroom.

As the cool water splashed on my face and soothed my eyes, I reflected on what had just happened. Eiri had actually fought for me – for us. He had argued to keep our relationship alive. I might be a little slow from time to time, but only an absolute idiot would not understand what Eiri had just done. He had exposed himself emotionally to me, he laid bare his soul, and he sort of… groveled. My wounded, damaged heart swelled with the tremendous love he had shown me.

In return, I would do whatever I could to prove how much I loved him.

When I finished composing myself in the bathroom, I stepped into the bedroom and closed the door gently behind me.

He sat on the bed, sucking down his nicotine, calming his frayed nerves. He looked so cool and beautiful in the dimly lit room.

Looking up at me he crushed out his cigarette and said, “I suspect sex without the use of my left hand will quickly get old. We’ll need to get creative.”

“Why?” I asked him teasingly as I smiled, “I could, you know, do you until you’re healed.”

“Not likely. And if you were trying to be seductive, you’d have been far more convincing if you hadn’t been crying for the past hour,” he said sarcastically as he stood up. “Your nose and eyes are bright red.”

“Does that mean you don’t want me?” I huffed at him as I crossed my arms.

He rolled his eyes, “Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch, Princess. Are you going to help me undress or not?”

I glared at him for a moment as he fumbled with his clothing. But he was too cute, too stunning, too addictive to ignore. And I needed him.

“Hold still,” I commanded as I unbuttoned his shirt. “You really are helpless, aren’t you?”

“It’ll be worse if those quacks do surgery on me,” he muttered.

Laughing softly as I peeled off his shirt, I added, “It’s always the doctors and nurses who have the worst end of the deal if you’re in the hospital.”

“Huh,” he answered.

I leaned over, tugging his pants open as I asked, “So what do we do? I’m actually still pretty sore from this morning.”

He bent forward and nuzzled awkwardly at my neck. “Let’s take it easy and see what happens.”

Pulling his pants off, I pushed him towards the bed. He wasn’t hard, but then again, neither was I. A long cuddle sounded good. Although, I couldn’t call what Eiri and I did cuddling. At least, not out loud. He would have a fit over the label. But at this moment in time, we were both emotionally exhausted to the point that I wouldn’t be surprised if all we did was hold each other until we fell asleep. That scenario was fine as well, as holding one another qualified as another form of making love if you asked me. And every now and then, it was necessary.

He lay in the bed, his head propped up with a couple of pillows, as he watched me closely. I was unhurried in my actions as striped off my clothes, but, for some reason, I was feeling a little self-conscious of his intense scrutiny. I was feeling as if everything was new again between us. I stood at the side of the bed, suddenly shy and unsure of what to do.

“What’s wrong?” He asked softly as he held out his right hand to me.

Shaking my head and taking his hand, I situated myself so I sat next to him, my crossed legs parallel to his perfect, stretched out form. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m afraid.”

“That I’ll leave you again?” his thumb brushed at the back of my hand.

“Yeah. That I’ll be alone.”

He nodded but remained silent. After all, what could he say?

“I think it will take me a long time, Eiri, before I…” I swallowed and stopped my train of thought.

“Before you trust me?” he asked quietly. “Understandable.”

“Sorry. I was just thinking out loud,” I explained to him as I freed my hand and leaned over to kiss him.

His arms embraced me as he pulled me on top of him, deepening the kiss. I wanted to feel my skin on his. I was sure he wanted that, too.

Our movements were slow and we were both emotionally vulnerable, needing the contact and reassurance. His right hand rubbed gently at my back, in small, comforting circles, as our tongues tangled. As I lay pressed against him, I felt the heat rise from our combined flesh.

I broke our kiss and nuzzled at his ear, whispering, “Roll over, Eiri.”

In the dimness of the bedroom, I saw the question rise in his eyes, but he didn’t ask it. He rolled on to his stomach without protest, proving his trust in me. I reached for the oil on the bedside stand and opened it, pouring the stuff into my hand to let it warm.

There were no candles this time as I massaged him, not like our second first time so many months ago. But I think he appreciated my touch as much as he did then, maybe even more. As my hands worked his tense muscles loose, he rewarded me with quiet, responsive noises. I lost myself in the feel of his silky skin against my fingers, the sound of his contented sighs, and the sight of his beautiful body as it relaxed under my touch.

Straddling his thighs, I leaned into him, searching for and easing knots and tight muscles. I concentrated on his back, his shoulders, his neck, and his arms, relearning every muscle, tendon and bone. I was so involved that, when he rolled onto his back and stilled my hands, I was confused.

His eyes were sparkling with amusement. “When did you learn Gershwin songs?”

“What?” I blinked at him.

“Someone to Watch over Me?” he explained. “You were singing it just now.”

“I was?”

Eiri uncharacteristically sang a few words to me in that wonderfully sexy baritone of his, “I'm a little lamb…”

I grinned at him as I finished the refrain:

“Who’s lost in the wood,
I know I could,
Always be good
To one who'll watch over me.”

“So when did you learn Gershwin?” he asked again.

“Since we first got together and I found your hidden stash of CDs,” I grinned at him again. “Now roll over.”

He shook his head.

“Why?” I asked.

He looked down before he said, “I think another part of me wants a massage.”

I followed his gaze to his ever-impressive cock, hard and wet with need.

Tipping his head at me, he said, “You, too.”

“What?” I looked down at my own hard cock. When did that happen?

He brushed back the hair from my forehead with a teasing, pleased look in his eyes. “Were you lost in me?”

I nodded as I felt the tears prick at my eyes again.

“Good,” he smirked at me. “Will you open the lube…?”

That was far as he got before I leaned down and licked at the glistening tip of his erection. I heard the hiss of breath from him.

Giving Eiri head was always difficult; it was sort of like trying to suck a telephone pole. He complained about never getting a good blowjob from me, but that was because it’s nearly impossible to get that monster down my throat. So this time, I opted for another approach. I moved between his legs, nudging them wide and began lapping at his cock, licking roughly, as if it were a lollipop. He might tell me I was no good, but his body told me otherwise as my lips closed around his flesh and my tongue continued stroking him.

I moved my head down to that extra-sensitive strip of flesh just below his balls and, reflexively, his legs moved wider to allow me greater access, proving his trust in me again. It was simple to become ‘lost’ in him again as his comforting scent washed over me and he sighed with contentment. The sound of that sigh meant everything to me, and my focus narrowed until my whole mission in life centered on how I could elicit more blissful sounds from my lover. Overcome with the need to show him how much I loved him, I found my hands and mouth – no, my whole body became an extension of that need as I fondled and licked him.

As my tongue slowly dipped lower, he granted me permission to advance, slowly drawing up his knees, opening himself wider for me, even whispering my name in encouragement. I accepted his generous gift of trust as my tongue teased and tasted and my oiled fingers caressed and penetrated.

I’m not sure how much time passed as I concentrated on loving him, it really didn’t matter to me; I honestly think I could have continued indefinitely. It was as if my entire life had been building to this moment. My love for him overflowed from me as I touched him. I was so in tune with him, that when I felt his leg move and nudge closer to me I quickly straddled it. I moaned out my gratitude when I felt his thigh rub against my neglected cock.

The contact proved to trigger something in both of us, I felt the subtle changes in his body as his orgasm approached and I knew I was right there along side him, riding the same crest of pleasure. I heard him call out to me as he pressed his leg against me, bringing about another deep groan from me, but I did my best to ignore him. I was too intent; too involved in showing him how much I loved him, to give into my own needs. Instead, I did all I could to heighten the experience for him. Clamping my lips around the head of his cock, my tongue stroked him while I used my fingers to rub the right spot inside him. I felt his right hand as it threaded urgently through my hair only moments before his body shook with ecstasy.

My body resonated with his as I rubbed harshly against his leg one final time before the wave of euphoria hit me. I had to struggle to swallow his cum as I shuddered with my own pleasure. Still, I made certain I milked every drop from him before sitting back in order to get a glimpse of his beautiful, sweat-covered face, he looked completely sated and utterly sexy.

I tipped my head smugly, smacking my lips and waiting for a response.

Rolling his eyes at me he said, “Okay. That was passable.”

I started to laugh.

“Are you hysterical again?” he grumbled at me.

“No,” I continued laughing. “I’m just relieved.”

“Relieved? Because you managed to get me to come in spite of your mediocre talent?”

My laughter continued as I fell on the bed and rolled onto my back. I answered him with pure sarcasm, “Yes, Eiri, because I managed to make the god of sex come with my lame talent, everything is all better now.”

“As I suspected,” he nodded. “I need a cigarette, and a shower. And we need new sheets, again.”

“Let’s shower first,” I said as I got up and stretched. “You can smoke while I cook.”

Eiri nodded as he watched me intently. Then he reached out and gently touched my belly piercing. “This looks good.”

“Really?” I asked happily, amazed at the random compliment.

“Yeah,” he answered as he stood up and reached for a robe. “Now, let’s go before your sister bursts in on us.”

“She probably already has, we were just too busy to notice,” I answered.

Eiri nodded and followed me down the hall.

We showered quickly, with only some minor caressing involved. I tried to check his hand, but he snarled at me about it, letting me know, in his own way, that he was hurting. Once we were done with the shower and fed, I would get him more pain medication. As I dressed us both, I could smell food cooking.

I looked at Eiri and he raised an eyebrow and asked, “Can she cook?”

“I don’t know…”

We frowned at one another.

“I guess we’d better find out,” he muttered. “And I need to smoke.”

Maiko was in the kitchen finishing up dinner. She looked up when we entered the room. “Well, it’s about time. Do you two do that all the time?”

“What?” Eiri asked as he pulled out a cigarette and motioned for lighter assistance.

She answered evenly, “Work out your problems by speaking with your dicks.”

I gasped at my sister’s frank assessment.

Eiri shrugged and said, “Pretty much.”

“Well, at least your sex life is healthy,” she chuckled.

I lit his cigarette as I said, “Well, something in our relationship should be, don’t you think?”

Eiri glared at me and I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Shuichi, can you get the plates?” my sister asked.

“Sure,” I answered as I stared at Eiri. “I suppose I’ll have to feed you, too.”

He took a deep drag and said, “I’m sure it will be your fondest wish.”

“Huh,” I grumbled as I retrieved the plates and set the table. “Hey Maiko, when did you learn to cook?”

“Grandma taught me,” she answered.

“Did she?” I answered with surprise as I moved back into the kitchen. “You are doing pretty well for someone who has a sprained arm.”

“Well,” she looked over her shoulder and gave me a devilish look. “After nearly walking in on the two of you again, I thought I would try and keep myself occupied. I’m glad, if a little surprised, you are so noisy Eiri. I didn’t think seeing the two of you having sex twice in one day would have been good for my damaged psyche.”

I groaned internally and glanced at Eiri. He shrugged with his indifference, but I couldn’t help but wonder what she had heard. Whatever it was, I didn’t think it could have been healthy for her.

“My brother is kind of easy for you, isn’t he, Eiri?” she asked with a grin.

“You have no idea,” Eiri agreed as they both turned their heads to look at me.

This time I groaned out loud. Maiko and Eiri were teaming up in order to taunt me. I watched as my wounded sister laughed and my damaged boyfriend relaxed. It seemed as if I was in for a long night of teasing.

But, considering all we had been through, I felt remarkably happy about it.

TBC


Lyrics for Should I Stay or Should I Go? By The Clash

Lyrics for Someone to Watch Over Me by George Gershwin