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Fortuna	By : Kali Category: Digimon > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 10782 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon: Digital Monsters, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
- 14
Kali
Notes:� A quick note: I will not individually email or PM links for every request I
get to any �unedited� content or other sites where my fics are found.� Those links are all in my author�s bio page
on ffnet, on my LJ, my MSN space, etc.� That�s just too time consuming and I don�t
have a lot of time as it is!� I�m sorry,
but if you�re too lazy to look it up yourself that�s your own problem.� If you genuinely didn�t know, that�s fine,
but now you do.� I don�t mean to sound
witchy about it, but I get a lot of these requests for links and I just don�t
have the time to sit and respond to every single one of them.� Oh, and to those who were confused by the
�edited out� section of the last chapter on ffnet, it
was done because that site does not accept adult content (and Fido has kicked
me off enough times before that I don�t risk it any longer).� I left enough that readers would know
something happened, but nothing graphic or offensive to underage eyes (according
to Fido, anyway).� So if that helps,
great!� Thanks for the reviews and
comments, my readers!� And you thought I
was torturing poor Yamato before�� Kali
is in no way done yet!

Warnings:� Yaoi, adult
language, adult situations, and cavity-inducing WAFF.

Disclaimer:� Kali & muses do not own Digimon or its
characters.� We�re just borrowing them
for the sake of this fic.

Pairings:� Taito!�
With DaiKen, Takari,
and mentioning of Joe/Mimi & Izzy/Miyako.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 13

�� The beeping stopped, and I could
sense Taichi still sitting on the bed behind me.� I decided (frantically trying to come up with
a course of action that wouldn�t get me pounded into the ground or worse, lost
me Taichi�s friendship) that faking unconsciousness and pretending it never
happened was a really good idea.

�� Even though I was mentally panicking
and wishing I could roll over and tell him the truth, I forced my breathing to
even out and concentrated on keeping it that way.

�� Yama?�� I heard him ask hesitantly, his voice
sounding a little panicky and hoarse.�
Glad I wasn�t the only one freaking � though for entirely different
reasons, no doubt.� I kept on with the
breathing, lying there limply.� �Are�� he
cleared his throat, �Are you awake?�

�� When I didn�t answer, I heard him
mutter, �Shit, what now?� then felt
his weight leave the bed.� Soon I heard
some rustling around followed by hurried footsteps as he practically ran from
the room.

�� The second I heard the bathroom door
close down the hall, I sat up and stared blindly down at my now very unpleasant
and uncomfortable pants.

�� The water went on, and that was my
cue to book.� Grabbing my pillow, I
zipped out of Taichi�s room and into my own, blessed sanctuary.

�� My legs fell out from under me and I
dropped face first onto my own bed.�
Burying my face in my pillow, I let out a full-voiced scream of
humiliated pain, lust, and soul-wrenching grief as the reality of it all poured
over me.

�� My best friend � unaware of how I
felt about him and in love with someone else, himself � had just jerked me off
in our supposed sleep, giving me the best damn orgasm I�ve ever had (even if my past experience with them has been only with
my own hands), and it was not only unintentional but now also totally
unmentionable!

�� Fortuna, you fickle bitch!� Do you just hate me or is there some other
reason you decided to make me absolutely miserable?

�� I cursed every force of nature,
every deity I could think of for several minutes.� All the while sobbing it all out into my
pillow until I�d done a good job of soaking the poor abused thing.

�� What was worse, was that I was going
to remember every single sensation, every feeling that had occurred for the
rest of my life.� It would always be
there, in the back of my mind.� I don�t
think I can live with that � though I guess I don�t have much choice.

�� I heard the water go off, and forced
myself to sit up and calm down.� Taking
several deep breaths, I thought about what to do next.

�� Taichi was leaving.� He�d be gone for a week.� Plenty of time for me to have a breakdown and
get over it (or at least build up enough walls and a decent mask to hide
behind).

�� So I would go put on some coffee and
make breakfast after I did a quick clean up job of myself while Taichi go ready
and packed up the last of his bag for the week.�
Then I�d feed him, pretend nothing happened, and send him on his way.

�� And if he mentions it?�� A nasty, unwelcome voice wondered in my
head.� It was my very own inner bitch,
who only comes out when I�m trying to hide from myself.� Growling at it and threatening to cut off its
supply of dark chocolate (my one vice), I told it I would deal with that
somehow if it happened.� Yes, I was
relying on Taichi being far too embarrassed himself to bring it up.� So the fuck what?

�� Well, Fortuna and her twin sister,
Fate, are equal opportunity bitches, and I swear they�re out to get me.� It�s a bloody conspiracy!

�� I listened at the door until I heard
Taichi vacate the bathroom, then slipped in as fast as possible.� I was clean and dressed in less than twenty
minutes � a new Yamato record.� I haven�t
been that quick since I was a kid.

�� I already had the coffee brewing and
was just mixing a batch of pancakes when Taichi appeared.� I went about putting together breakfast
nervously as he bypassed the kitchen to drop his duffel bag and backpack at the
front door.� When he came in, slowly
making his way to the counter where he sat on a stool, I could feel his eyes burning holes into the
back of my head � me pretending to be very busy watching my pancakes cook on
the griddle and pouring coffee regardless of his attention.

�� Good morning.�� He finally broke the silence that was nearly
chocking me.� Taichi sounded a tad
unsure, but otherwise I couldn�t detect any hint of anything else.� He sounded perfectly normal.

�� Plastering my very best morning
smile on my face, I turned and brought him a plate of pancakes and a mug of
coffee.� �Good morning.�� I managed in return with as much false cheeriness
as I could muster.� I set the food in
front of him and turned away to get toppings for his pancakes.� �What do you want with that?� There�s regular syrup, strawberry syrup,
whipped cream, butter��

�� Butter and regular syrup,
thanks.�� I grabbed it from the fridge
and put it on the counter for him.� �Yama��

�� Hmm?�� I gave him my back and a non-committal noise
of acknowledgement, slowly buttering toast for myself (not that I was going to
be able to eat it with my gut twisted into all these knots).

�� Matt,� I flinched, �about earlier��

�� My inner bitch raised her ugly, fat
head and smirked triumphantly at me in an �I told you so!� kind of way.� I hung my head and gripped the counter,
unwilling to face Taichi with my utter humiliation.

�� What about it?�� I asked, unable to keep my embarrassment and
the tension it caused out of my voice.

�� I, uh�there isn�t really time to
talk about it properly, since I�ve got to get going right away�� he said,
though I couldn�t read his tone at all, which only served to worry and bother
me more.

�� This
is it. I thought numbly.� He�s going to turn me away as gently as he
can then run off to camp and let me stew in my own misery.� So�I decided to make it easier for him.� He couldn�t reject me if I got there first,
right?

�� There�s nothing to talk
about.�� I stated neutrally.� �We�re both guys.� Teens running on a cocktail of hormones.� It happens.�

�� Silence.� Then, �So you�re okay?� We�re okay?��
I felt rather pleased with myself at that point.� He didn�t call me on that flimsy veneer of
logic and I felt sure he would drop the subject, and we�d be fine.� After all, I had a week to wrestle myself
into submission and get a hold of my emotional reigns again.

�� We�re good.�� I said firmly, reaching for the coffee pot
again.� �Don�t worry about it.�

�� Again, silence.� I poured my coffee, inhaling that wonderful,
soothing scent desperately.

�� Then why won�t you look at me,
Matt?�� Came the quiet, subdued
question.� I nearly dropped the coffee
pot.� With a shaking hand, I put it back
carefully on the hotplate and reluctantly turned to face him.� I really had to fight to keep my face blank,
but I found I could not look him in
the eye.� And of course he called me on
it.� �You still aren�t.� Look, I�m sorry.� For what it�s worth.� It was an embarrassing way to wake up.� I�I didn�t mean��

�� I closed my eyes and swallowed back
the pain that welled up.� Of course he
hadn�t meant to.� Neither had I.� But it happened.� There wasn�t anything else I could say, so I
nodded and whispered, �You�d better hurry and eat, Taichi.� You�ll be late.�

�� For one brief second, just as I
opened my eyes, I thought I saw a stricken expression of loss flash over his
face.� But then he closed up better than Digitamamon, nodded stiffly, and proceeded to wolf down his
pancakes at a speed that should have made him ill.

�� I leaned against the counter,
sipping my coffee, even as it churned in my stomach, and looked everywhere but
at my greatest weakness.� Oh, he kept
flicking assessing glances at me the whole time, but he didn�t say another
word.

�� It didn�t take him long to finish.� Before I knew it, he was putting his dishes
in the dishwasher and heading for the door.

�� Thank you for breakfast,
Matt.�� He said as he passed me.� It hadn�t escaped me that he wasn�t calling
me �Yama� anymore.

�� Sure.� was all I could manage.� I followed him, watched him pull on his shoes
and grab his jacket from the coat closet.�
�Have fun, and good luck with the scouts.�� That, at least, I could say with sincerity
and honesty.

�� Thanks.�� Taichi pulled open the door after putting on
his backpack and picking up his duffel bag full of his equipment.� He paused in the open door, and glanced back
at me over his shoulder.� �We�ll have a
better talk when I get back.�� He said,
sounding more like an order than a suggestion or even a promise.

�� Then he was gone, before I could
form a reply � confirmation or refusal.

�� The sound of that closing door was a
hammer on my fragile heart.� It sounded
like it splintered into pieces then shattered into dust.

�� I was now alone.� For one week.�
And somehow, I had to figure out how to deal.

~~~~~~~~

�� The only word I can use to describe
the rest of the day was �melancholy.��
Even the weather felt that way.�
The storm had passed, but the sky was still gloomy and dark with clouds.� I wallowed in misery and depression for two
whole days � and cleaned the entire apartment from top to bottom until every
surface gleamed so brightly one could almost see their reflection.

�� When Dad stopped by on Sunday to see
how everything was going for us on our own, he was shocked at the spotlessness.� He�d never seen it so clean.

�� What happened, Yamato?�� He asked me after he filled me in on his new
job, his new co-workers and staff, and life in Kyoto.

�� Nothing.�� I replied automatically, looking around the
room.� �Just a little disagreement with
Taichi.� I�m sure we�ll work it out when
he gets back from camp.�

�� Matt...son, you know better than to
try and fool me.�� Dad eyed me, concern
in his eyes.� �You don�t clean like this
unless something�s really bothering you.�

�� I sighed and curled my legs under
myself, huddling in one corner of the sofa defensively.� �Maybe it is, but I can�t do anything about
it while Taichi is gone.� And I really don�t want to talk about it,
Dad.�

�� He sighed, too, running a hand
through his hair.� �I know.� I don�t want to intrude on your personal
life, Matt.� I just worry about you,
that�s all.� You know you can talk to me
about anything, right?�

�� I cracked a very faint smile for
him.� �Yes, Dad.�

�� Good.�� He paused, frowning indecisively.� �Just answer one question, then I�ll leave it
alone.�

�� Warily, I stared at him.� �What?�

�� Why haven�t you told him how you
really feel?� He�s a great guy, Matt, and
I already think of him as one of my own kids.�

�� My jaw nearly unhinged when it
dropped open.� I gasped in shock.� How the hell
does my father know about that?!

�� What?�� I croaked.

�� What?�� He echoed, looking confused and a little
flustered.� �Why are you so surprised
that I�ve paid attention to your life, Matt?�

�� But�this is different!� This�I�you��
Great.� Everyone meet Ishida
Yamato, stuttering idiot.� I mean, come
on!

�� It really threw me because I really
hadn�t known Dad paid that close of attention.�
I had told him, a long time
ago, that I was bi-sexual because, well�he tried giving me the �birds and bees�
speech not long before I started dating Sora.�
I had to break it to him that we kids these days knew way more about sex
than he had at our age, and that I�d already dated both guys and girls
(pre-Sora) � not that it lasted long or anything actually happened.� Dad was surprisingly cool with it.� It didn�t bother him at all.

�� Son, I�ve known you�ve felt more
for Taichi than you admitted to all along.��
Dad confessed, looking sheepish.�
�He�s always been good for you � a friend, rival, or whatever � and I
could see you spending your life with him a lot easier than ever could with any
of your other friends.� I hoped you would
have the guts to tell him once you figured it out.�

�� Groaning, I dropped my head into my
hands and desperately tried not to loose it.�
When I felt I had some semblance of control again, I glanced up.

�� I only figured it out recently,
okay?� And it hasn�t been a good time for
that sort of discussion with Taichi.��
Those were my excuses and I�d stick stubbornly to them with my every
breath.� �And why the hell haven�t you
said anything sooner?� You can�t just
drop a bomb like that on a guy!�

�� Because you should have come to me
on your own, but since you didn�t, I decided to let you know it was okay.�� Dad smiled, watching me flail silently across
from him.� �Learn from my mistakes,
Yamato, and grab love when you find it.�
Then, don�t let it go.�

�� When he left that evening, I still
hadn�t told him anything, but at least I knew he was okay with the possibility
� even though there wasn�t one.� That was day three.

�� I had two practice sessions with the
band before the concert, which went off with very little complication, and I
felt it was a good performance.� My band,
however, pointed out that �good� wouldn�t get us far, and that I�d had better
ones.� Day four sucked, thanks.

�� Now I was heartbroken and guilt-ridden for letting my band
down.� I wasn�t dealing very well with
any of this.

�� None of the smaller gigs we played
went any better than the concert.� Then
again, they weren�t worse, either.� I
tried! �I really did.� But I lost my performing spirit somewhere,
and I couldn�t seem to find it no matter what I did.

�� Day seven arrived bright and
sunny.� I barely even noticed.� By now I was a barely functioning
zombie.� I�d hardly slept all week
because my subconscious tended to dwell on that fateful non-dream, and I could
only lie in bed and want.� Crave.� Need.�
Cold showers didn�t work either.�
I swear they�re a complete myth.

�� Today I had to do something about this because Taichi was going to be back
the next day.� I had to be able to turn
off my emotions or something �
anything! � or else�I would have finally found something that would come
between us and break us apart.

�� It was some time around noon, and I
was sitting out on the balcony � on the floor, not a chair or anything.� I couldn�t seem to breathe inside anymore,
and everywhere I looked I found Taichi, so I ended up outside, leaning against
the partition and staring out at the city beyond without really seeing any of
it.

�� Takeru found me there.� Apparently he�d called, sent me a message via
D-Terminal, and even called around to everyone (when I didn�t get back to him)
looking for me.� This, by the way, he
grumbled and scolded me for even as he dragged my sorry ass back inside.� I didn�t put much of a fight up, though, and
hardly said a word otherwise.

�� It was bad of me, wrong of me, to do
this to him and I knew it, but I couldn�t find it in me to care.� Worrying about me would hurt him, but he�d be
fine.� After all, he was loved and he
loved in return.� Openly.

�� Ah.�
I had enough of a brainstorm then to realize I was jealous of him.� He had what I wanted most, and he could tell Hikari he loved her.

�� Matt, what the hell is wrong?� Why didn�t you call me back or answer the
door when I knocked?�� Takeru demanded,
dumping me on the sofa.� I barely
reacted.� A numb, lethargic fog seemed to
be weighing me down, and any fight I�d have left in me drowned with my
emotions.� Lying on the sofa I stared
blankly up at my little brother, who frowned and took a good, long look at
me.� �Gods, Matt�look at you.� What happened?�

�� Blue eyes, so much like my own but
for a coupler shades darker, peered into me and found no resistance.� Whatever he saw in me made him go pale, and
his hand reached for my hair.� He gently brushed
it out of my face and with an aching voice, asked me again, pleaded with me,
for answers.� �Please, Matt�I can�t help
if you don�t tell me what�s wrong, if you don�t tell me what�d done this to
you.�

�� I closed my eyes painfully.� I wanted to tell him, because I hated to see
that look on his face � especially when I put it there.� But�my voice didn�t want to work.� Opening my eyes, I tried to make him
understand just by staring back at him.�
I don�t know what it was, but it felt like there was something actually
holding my voice back � holding me
back.� I guess my attempts at subliminal
messages wasn�t enough because he only took my hand and held it tightly between
his own.

�� Have you eaten yet today?� he
asked.� I shook my head, confused.� What did that have to do with it?� Besides, my appetite took off with my
emotions a long time ago.� �Matt!�� He chided me, releasing my hand.� �Stay here, and I�ll make you something.� Don�t worry,� he added when I shook my head
again in refusal, �it�ll just be some soup.�
And tea.� You�ve got to eat,
Yamato.�� Takeru rushed off to the
kitchen.

�� I could hear him banging around,
obviously being serious about making me eat something.� And although he probably figured I couldn�t
hear him, or maybe wasn�t paying attention, I suddenly realized he was talking
to someone on the phone.

�� Sighing, I rolled over onto my other
side, facing the back of the sofa.� I
shouldn�t be surprised that he was calling in the cavalry.� Poor kid probably had no idea what to do with
me.

�� Yeah, it�s me.�� I heard Takeru say.� �No, I found him.� No he�s not.�
I don�t know what happened, but he�s a wreck, Hikari.� I�ve never seen him like this.� No.��
There was a long pause where I assumed he was listening to her.� �Is Sora home, too?� Oh, good.�
Maybe you both should come over.�
I don�t know what to do here.��
Pause.� �He won�t tell me.�
Uh huh�actually, it sort of reminds me of that time you were pulled into
that other dimension where the Dark
Ocean was.�� Another long pause.� �Okay, well hurry over, then.� Door will be unlocked so just come in.� Thanks, my Light.�

�� A few more minutes of banging around
and he was coming back into the living room carrying a bowl of noodle soup and
an oversized mug of chamomile tea.� I
made the effort to roll over again, but that was it.

�� Something must have been on my face
� like open hostility � because Takeru sighed, setting the food down on the
coffee table.� �Don�t look at me like
that, Matt.� If you won�t take care of
yourself, then I�ll take care of you.� So
sit down on the floor, here, at the table and eat.�

�� Passively, I obeyed.� I couldn�t really taster anything, didn�t
really feel a difference between hungry or not, but I ate.� Takeru watched me critically for a moment,
then proceeded to resume the inquisition.

�� Let�s play twenty questions � only
there�s no limit to the number I can ask, and you just have to nod or grunt or
something for �yes� and shake your head for �no.�

�� I looked at him, and blinked
slowly.� He frowned, but persisted.

�� Are you sick?�� I shook my head, not really sure.� Something was wrong, but I didn�t feel
ill.� �Are you injured?�� No.�
That much I knew � unless being broken hearted counts.� Takeru looked relieved though.� �Okay, then you�re not in shock or something,
you�re just what?� Depressed?� No, never mind.� I can see that you are.� Have you felt like this for long?� Say�a month?�

�� Like this?� No.�
There�s depressed, and then there�s depressed.� I looked down at the soup bowl and blinked,
realizing I�d actually eaten all of it without noticing.� I pushed the bowl aside.

�� Want more?�� Takeru asked hopefully (no pun
intended).� I shook my head and his face
fell.� �Well, at least you had
something.� Have you felt like this for�two
weeks?�� No.� �A week?��
I thought about it, then made a �so-so� motion with my hand.� I�ve been a wreck all week, but it hasn�t
been like this until today.� �Okay. �But was it this bad all wee?� Because you seemed alright every time I
talked to you.�� Takeru watched me, his
concern deepening.� �So basically
something made you fall into this funk about a week ago and it just got worse
every day.�

�� Yeah, pretty much.� Uh oh�I knew that look.� Takeru is way too smart and he knows me far
too well.� He was putting the pieces
together.

�� The only thing that happened is
that Hikari had that accident, and Taichi went to camp.�� His gaze pierced right through me.� �I highly doubt it was Hikari that put you in
this condition, but that means�Taichi?��
Takeru asked, his voice incredulous.�
He grabbed my hand.� �What did he
do, Matt?�

�� I shook my head and sighed, trying
to tug my hand free.� It wasn�t Taichi�s
fault.� Not consciously.

�� Takeru wasn�t letting me go, and he
was seeing way too much for my comfort.�
He got down on the floor beside me and made me look at him.� Whatever he saw made tears well up in his
eyes, and suddenly I wasn�t quite as numb anymore.

�� My little brother was in pain, and
no matter how crappy my life was, I�d
always try to fix it.

�� Now I could feel my own eyes
water.� I raised my free hand and rested
my palm against his cheek.� �Don�t�� I
croaked.� �Don�t�cry for�me.�

�� Matt�big brother, you can�t expect
me not to when you�re like this and I�m totally helpless!� he exclaimed,
drawing me into his arms and attempting to hug the stuffing out of me.� �Please, please
tell me what Taichi did or said that�s done this to you!�

�� I�can�t!�� I wouldn�t.�
There were some things he didn�t need to know.

�� Why?�� he demanded, pushing me back enough that he
could see my face.� �Yamato, I�m not a
little kid anymore!� Stop treating me
like one!�

�� Not�that.�� I rasped in denial, pleading with him to
understand.� �Just�too personal.�

�� He frowned, then his eyes went wide.� �He�you��
Like I said, Takeru�s no fool.� He
got the general idea.� To my utter
disbelief, he actually scowled.� At
me!� �Wait a minute�if you two�then where�s
the issue?�

�� Say what?!� I glared.

�� I mean, Matt, you love him.� Always have.�
Hikari and I have a long-standing bet on how long you two could stay in
denial.�

�� What?!�� Yikes.�
That high-pitched screech came from me?

�� Stricken, Takeru hurried to placate
me.� �It was a joke, Matt!� The bet part, not the part about you being in
love with Taichi.�

�� Not funny.�� I growled, starting to struggle to get away
from him.� How dare he make fun of
it?� I was dying here, and his making
jokes at my expense.� If this is what I
got for confiding in Takeru, my mouth was staying shut.

�� I�m sorry.� I am.�
That was stupid of me.�� The boy
can grovel when he wants to.� And he
still wasn�t letting me go!� Damn it
Takeru�� I just don�t understand.�

�� It�s because he still hasn�t told Taichi his feelings, Takeru.�

�� Sora�s voice informed him, causing
the both of us to nearly snap our necks looking up so fast.� I guess we didn�t hear her � or Hikari � come
in.� Taichi�s little sister hobbled around
the sofa and dropped down beside Takeru and I, reaching out to plaster her palm
to my forehead.

�� It�s not too late.�� She said mysteriously, her eyes going
unfocused.� �It hasn�t taken hold yet.�

�� Hikari?�� Sora sat down on the couch near us, frowning
in confusion and worry.

�� The Darkness.�� Hikari explained, still doing�whatever it was
she does when she�s like this.� And she
didn�t have to explain to us, Chosen Children and Bearers, what �the Darkness�
was.� �His found a door and began to come
through.�

�� Takeru nodded slowly.� �His depression.� His negative emotions opened the door and let
it out.�

�� I blinked.� No way.� Oh, shit.�
That�s what this was!� Now that they mentioned it, I was feeling an
awful lot like I had in that �cave� once, just before the battle with Piemon.� The
realization that what was wrong with me wasn�t entirely my own fault was enough
to make me start struggling against it, to push it back into the corner of my
soul where it belonged.

�� To
step out of the Dark and back into the Light.

�� Hikari�s other hand shot out and
flattened against my chest, right over my heart.� Immediately I could feel warmth, happiness,
and even love.� But almost instantly,
whatever was loosed inside me reacted and slapped back.

�� Anger � unrelenting anger � welled
up, jealousy overflowed, and words I would never have said otherwise came out
of me.� Hurtful, mean words that were
directed at each of them.� I could see
the pain in their faces and eyes, saw how I had the power to hurt them so
easily.� And that Dark part of me
laughed, taking pleasure in that power.� But
I couldn�t seem to control it, couldn�t halt the flow of hostility.� It was like I was watching from somewhere
outside of myself.� It was what I imagine
is rather like being possessed.

�� Through it all, Takeru somehow kept
me pinned, physically restrained.� Who
knew my little brother had gotten that strong?�
But I was grateful, from my abstract point of view, because if I�d
harmed any of them physically I would never forgive myself.� And if I�d harmed Hikari�� I�d let Taichi beat me into the ground before
he killed me.

�� Hikari, thankfully, is just as
strong as Takeru.� She is her big brother�s sister � no doubt.� At one point she actually started glowing,
her aura seeming to flare like a star.�
It nearly blinded me, but I could still see her silhouette, her eyes and
the brightly shining Crest over her heart as she fought off my Darkness.

�� Suddenly the world seemed to stop,
and I could hear their voices.� I fought against
the heavy weights that kept me from taking control of myself again, trying to
reach out to them.

�� I know you can hear us,
Yamato!� You have to fight it!� We can�t do it alone.� And I know you know what�s happened!� So
fight, damn you!�� Hikari commanded, in a
voice I�d never heard her use before.� �Because
I don�t want to have to explain to Taichi why you were willing to give up!�

�� More venomous comments and
accusations came out of my mouth, almost in a panic, as if the Dark knew it was
losing its grip on me.� I saw Hikari
grimace, then turn fierce with determination.

�� Then Takeru�s voice was in my ear, a
plea and a command all at once.� �Where
are you, Yamato?� I know you aren�t the
one saying all that crap, and I know you�re in there somewhere.� And if you�re not fighting back as hard as I
know you�re capable of, I will happily kick your ass!� Big brother or not!� Taichi will just have to wait his turn
because I get first dibs!�� By now he was
really struggling to keep me pinned, but he somehow managed to do so and meet
my eyes.� His were dark, determined blue,
and even he was glowing faintly now.� A
relieved smile flashed briefly across his face and he gave a sharp nod.� �Yes.�
There you are.� Come on,
Matt.� Are you going to let it win?�

�� Hell
no.� I understood.� And I should have known better.� I let my guard down, forgot that I am a
Bearer � a Chosen Child.� I forgot, in
the wake of my self-absorbed, self-pitying emotional state, that while we�d
fought against the Dark and won, the Dark still existed, and was still poised
on the edge ready to surge forward and steal away from the Light.� I forgot that despite the end of our
adventures, as a Bearer, I was still responsible for keeping the Dark held
back.

�� I�d forgotten and the Dark found a
toehold in me.� And it used it.� What was happening to me was my own
fault.� However�it was a mistake I could �
would � rectify, and one I would never make again.

�� Because no matter what, holding back
the Dark took precedence over everything else.�
And if I gave in, not matter the state of my relationship with Taichi,
the Child of Courage would never forgive me, and I would never be able to look
him in the eye again.

�� N-no�� Yes!� I
said that.� Me!� I tried again, and as speech came back, so
did the rest of my body.� �No!�� My body was fighting against the hold Takeru
had on me again � only this time it was really me, and my struggles were with
my own daemons.

�� I could hear the malicious whispers
of the Dark in my head now.� It spoke of
betrayal, it spoke of disloyalty and broken trust.� It even tried warning me that the others
would never forgive me for the things It
had said.

�� No!�� I growled, closing my eyes and focusing
inward.� I could feel the parts of me
where each of my friends resided, their respective attributes that reached out
to me despite the shadows seething around me.

�� And, in the place somewhere deep in
my very soul, I turned toward the Darkest part of me and smiled � all teeth.

�� You�re
wrong.�� I stated, staring without
fear into the abyss.� �No matter what, they�re still my friends.�� I could feel my Crest start to burn, and
instantly began to feel better.� �I may have forgotten�but the truth never
changed.�

�� Suddenly I was looking up at the
ceiling in my living room, three very anxious Chosen Children peering down at
me.� I let out a gasp, frantically trying
to suck in air.� My chest felt like I�d
had Garurumon sitting on it.� Somehow, I�d won, and I was all the way back
in control.

�� Shaken, my hand shot out and gripped
a fistful of my brother�s shirt.� I
clung, my eyes wide � and welling up with tears rapidly.

�� Keru�?� I questioned in a hoarse
rasp.

�� Matt?� he returned, staring right
through me, obviously trying to make sure it was really me.� Then he smiled, and a trickle of tears
slipped down his cheeks. �Hey.�� He greeted
me softly.� �Welcome back, big brother.�

�� Too exhausted to care how very
un-Yamato I was being at the moment, I gave him as hard a tug as I could
muster.� Startled, he collapsed forward
into my arms and I curled into him, shivering almost violently.� I felt him wrap around me protectively in a
full-body hug, and I buried my face in his neck, my breath hitching on a sob.

�� Hikari slid down behind me and
cuddled up against my back.� It was her
hand on my head, stroking my hair, that undid me.

�� With Sora watching over us, her mere
presence casting a comforting blanket of love over all of us, I let go.� I cried.

�� I wept for all the nasty things I�d
said to them just now in a fit of guilt.�
I wept in regret and remorse for allowing myself to have ever forgotten
what it truly meant to be Chosen.� And I
cried out all the fear, sorrow, pain, and angst that had been building all week
over that incident between Taichi and I the morning he�d left.

�� I knew I was going to have to face
not only Sora, Hikari, and Takeru to beg for their forgiveness but eventually I�d
have to face up to Taichi, too.� As much
as I�d like to keep this little screw-up of mine between the four of us, I knew
one of them would spill to our leader.�
That was inevitable.

�� Why?�
Because I knew he�d felt something a few minutes ago.� He wouldn�t know exactly what, but he�d know
something was wrong with one of us.� He
might even know it was me.� And when he
got back from camp, he would start asking what had happened.� Chances were that Takeru might be able to
avoid telling him, but Sora would eventually fold (she still can�t refuse him a
damned thing, even when she�s mad at him), and Hikari probably wouldn�t even
try to hide it.

�� That confrontation was going to
occur all too soon for me.� I was not ready for it, and I was in no
condition to deal with the other
issue (of Taichi and myself) either.� I
was going to have to escape somehow � just until I�d gotten myself back
together again.

�� But for now, it was time to face the
music with my brother, Sora, and Hikari.

�� The tears slowed to as top, and not
long after I stopped shivering.� My
breathing was still pretty ragged, and my heart was pounding a beat in my head
(oh gods, the headache!) as I slowly
pulled my not-so-pretty face out of Takeru�s neck and sniffled.

�� It�s okay, Matt.�� I heard Hikari say quietly,
reassuringly.� She was still stroking my
hair.� �Everything�s alright again.�

�� You�re an idiot, Ishida Yamato, but
we still love you.�� Sora added, her own
damp face watching me from on the sofa.�
She�d stretched out on it and lay there keeping the three of us on the floor
company.� I looked up at her, ashamed of
myself.� Some of the things It had said
to her were downright cruel.

�� And there I go, already trying to
distance myself from my own actions.� I
say �It,� meaning the Darkness in me, but the truth is that It is me � no matter how much I�d like to
pretend it�s not there.� We all do, and
we all have a Darkness in us that we mostly ignore.� This time, however, I wouldn�t sublimate it
and pretend it never happened.

�� I pried a stiff-fingered hand (stiff
from clutching at Takeru�s shirt for too long) from my brother and reached up
to Sora.

�� I�m sorry.�� I whispered.�
�So sorry.�� I blinked furiously
as my vision wavered and started to darken.�
�All of you�sorry.�

�� Her fingers entwined with mine and
she gripped my hand.� I heard Sora�s
voice distantly, distorted.� �It�ll be okay,
Matt.� Let it go��

�� As much as I wanted to put things to
rest and apologize until I was blue in the face, my body decided for me.� I was truly exhausted in mind and body and
heart, and I slipped into unconsciousness almost gratefully.

~~~~~~~~

Kali Notes: Yes, I do
torture Yamato a little too much.� Trust
me when I say it�s a necessary evil for this story.� In the interim�� Please
R/R!!!!

Relevant
Episodes: �Season 01,
episode 51-52.� Happy viewing!
- 12
- 13
- 14
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