Furuba no Hinansho

Kinyuu 14

Dearest Diary,


While it has been a hectic day, I refuse to take it out on you. Absolutely refuse. Even if you insist.


..Well, you are insisting, aren\'t you? Well, then I do believe I can never turn down a request from my biggest fan... I mean even if I am quite exquisite I do have certain weaknesses too...


Oh sigh, diary, such a bad, bad day. I am almost ready to start using those ignorant words that only buffoons in road rage use (you know, the forbidden curse words of course).


I do suppose some of it can be blamed on me. But really, not all the blame. It isn\'t my fault Kyo\'s so... ah, delicious.


That\'s right, dearest diary. I whacked him off.


I do suppose then, it is true what they say. Most siblings do share the same taste... for Kyon-kyon is *quite* irresistible. I needed, absolutely had to (after that whole session with Shigure, which by the way, still gives me shivers everytime I think about it, diary) relieve some of the...stress, that had built up. And so, Kyon-kyon was very useful in that certain category.


Though I found it quite queer now and then, diary, that it hadn\'t been me to go after Kyon-kyon, it had been kyon-kyon who sought after *me*.


How he even knew I was in the household... it remains a mystery. But, he did. And he looked at me, and in his eyes...


...there was an emotion I had never seen in them before. Desperation. Need. Want.


I had known, diary, that it hadn\'t been for me. It had been for Yuki darling, of course. But, when he had looked at me with those eyes...


I had saw Yuki, within those eyes.


All those years ago... it still haunts me, diary. How I turned away from my little brother when he was in need, when he was desperate for a helping hand. I had refused him, and here I was now, presented with the same situation...and here was this boy, just as lost as Yuki, part of Yuki...


I wanted to *help* him, diary. I truly did. It would\'ve *killed* me, if I didn\'t. And so, I did. I helped Kyon-kyon. But there was a factor, diary. I factor that I had forgotten, while I had been watching Kyo writhe with pleasure.


His lover. My brother. Yuki-darling...


I hadn\'t meant to hurt him. I hadn\'t. When I saw him, I looked at Kyo, and realized what I had done. I didn\'t apologize, diary. Just got up, and walked out.


Still in need myself.


I was hurting, diary. But I knew, I knew I had to leave. As soon as possible. I couldn\'t stay--no way could I stay and see Yuki once more. Betrayed. Hurt. Angered. And so, I ran to bid Shigure good-bye...


And that was when I heard the voices. One, that was definitely Shigure\'s...


...the other, I knew in a heartbeat. \'Hari..\' I thought immediately, and slid the door open slightly. My eye widened at what I saw.


Hari.. so erotic, so beautiful... laying on the table, breathing hard, sucking in air like a fish out of water. Above him, Shigure, just as exotic, moving within Hari... sweat glistening, everywhere, moans, groans...


I heard my own tears before I felt them, diary. They never told me... And I...and Hari... And Shigure...


They never told me, diary, of how much a fool I was.


I stepped away from the door, knocking into a potted plant (no doubt put there by Tohru-kun). It dropped, and crashed to the floor into pieces.


Funny, how metaphorical that is, diary. Just like my heart, in jagged pieces. I heard a gasp, and I looked up from the potted plant in absolute horror. They were both looking at me, with some emotion I couldn\'t decipher...


No. I will not be fooled. Not again. You\'ve fooled me enough, Shigure! Hatori! I... loved you... I can\'t believe...


Diary, I was so hurt that I cried....


\"Aaya...\" Shigure managed to croak, still embedded within Hatori. \"Aaya, we...\"


\"Shut up!\" I had yelled, my voice quite hoarse. \"Just...\"


I couldn\'t even finish my sentence, diary. I flew through the house, to the front door, and out of it.


I never once turned back, diary. And now, here I am, alone. Just like I\'m meant to be, forever and ever. My brother hates me. The ones I love hate me; I wasn\'t even worth their thoughts. No one went after me, diary. *Not one* person.


Perhaps it would be best if I just ended it all here now, diary. If this be my last entry, allow me to express my thanks to you for your ears, and Yuki-darling for putting up with me for this long. And apologies to anyone, and everyone, for even I did not know how much of a screw-up I was. I apologize. And I truly mean it.


Good-bye, and farewell, dearest diary.


Sohma Ayame