On the Street of Dreams

Chapter summary: He reached out for her. “Mama! Mama, please! Don’t do this! Mama!”

***

Shuichi’s Second Confession


The argument he had with Ryuichi weighed heavily on Tatsuha’s mind. He loved the man more than anything in this world. He continued to defy his father just so he could be with the pop singer and he hated it when they fought. If Ryuichi walked out on him, which he was sure he would do one of these days because of his big mouth, he was not sure what he would do. He needed Ryuichi. The man was the air he breathed, the blood that flowed through his veins. Without him, he was nothing. Ryuichi was everything to him and the last thing he wanted was to drive him away.

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty and in his opinion so was foresight. He did nothing wrong. He did what he felt was right and necessary at the time and he was not going to apologize for that, though he deeply regretted not trusting Ryuichi enough to tell him what was going on, but agonizing over what he should or could have done was a pointless waste of time.

Tatsuha walked out of his bedroom, wondering where Ryuichi was. The singer had stormed out of the bedroom after nearly ripping him a new bung hole, but Tatsuha had not heard him leave so he was somewhere in the apartment. He wondered if he should go find him and try to talk with him about this or just leave him alone for a bit so he could cool off.

Speaking of which, Tatsuha had not heard a peep from Shuichi since he locked himself in his room this morning. He wondered what the boy was up to. Shuichi probably wanted to be alone right now, but Tatsuha refused to give the boy his space. Shuichi was most likely confused and scared. The boy needed all the support he could get, but then who would not in his shoes?

Tatsuha stopped outside Shuichi’s door and tried the knob. He was surprised when the door opened.

“Shuichi,” he called softly stepping into the darkened room.

Was the boy sleeping?

It was mid-day, but Shuichi had never pulled back his blackout curtains so the bedroom was shrouded in deep twilight. Blindly, he fumbled for the light switch that he knew was somewhere on the wall besides the door. Finding it, he flicked the ceiling light on. Tatsuha blinked in surprise once his eyes adjusted to the sudden glare.

“Where…?”

Tatsuha stepped out of the room and glanced down the hall towards the front door. He could not see Shuichi’s shoes.

“Damn.”

He walked down the hall to the living room. Ryuichi was standing in front of the closed balcony doors, hugging his arms tightly about himself. His head was bent forward. His body was shaking with what Tatsuha assumed was silent tears.

“Oh, Ryu,” he said softly.

His throat constricted over a sudden sob. He hated seeing Ryu like this, even more so when he was the cause of it. He padded softly across the living room to his boyfriend’s side and laid a hand on his shoulder, but it was violently shaken off.

“Ryu. Talk to me, please,” he pleaded.

Ryuichi did not say anything.

Knowing he deserved whatever Ryuichi threw at him, Tatsuha clamped a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder and forced him to turn around. Tatsuha’s eyes widened in surprise. Wrapped tightly within Ryu’s arms and getting soaked with Ryu’s stream of tears was Kuma-chan, the giant pink bunny he bought him several years ago. Tatsuha glanced at his lover with sad eyes. Usually, Kumagoro was kept front and center on the shelf with all the other things Ryuichi had gotten from fans over the years, but whenever the singer was feeling insecure or upset, Mr. Bear became his lifeline, his comfort.

“Oh, Ryu,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you. You know that right?”

Ryuichi hugged Mr. Bear and dropped his head against the bunny’s wet pink head, nodding. “It still hurts, Tatsuha.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I know I should have said something, but…it wasn’t my place!”

“I know that,” Ryuichi whispered.

“Forgive me?” Tatsuha asked hopefully, searching those impossibly deep eyes. He reached out and traced a stray tear down already worn grooves in the singer’s face.

Ryuichi shook his head. “Not yet.”

Tatsuha dropped his hand with a sigh. He had expected as much. In the meantime…

“Shu’s gone,” he announced.

“What?” Ryuichi lifted his face and glanced at him in incomprehension.

“Shuichi’s not in his room and his shoes are gone. He must have taken off while we were…arguing earlier.”

Ryuichi paled, gasping, staring wide eyed at his lover. “We have to find him,” he breathed. “Oh, God, Tatsuha!”

“I’ll find him,” Tatsuha offered. The last Shu probably wanted was to see was his brother right about now.

“He’s my brother, Tatsuha,” Ryuichi stated firmly. His face fell. “And it’s my fault he ran away in the first place.”

Tatsuha smiled gently and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Ryu, don’t blame yourself. He’s going through a lot right now. I’ll go out and search for him. You stay here in case he calls or returns. Okay? I’ll bring him home. Don’t worry. Besides,” he added, glancing at his watch, “I have to take him to the doctor anyway.”

Ryuichi opened his mouth to argue, but snapped his mouth closed without saying anything. After the way he spoke to the boy earlier, he doubted Shuichi would want to speak with him right now anyway. He nodded.

Tatsuha gently wrapped his lover within his arms and kissed the top of the singer’s head. “I love you my honey Ryuichi,” he whispered. Pulling back enough so he could tip Ryu’s head back, he planted a soft kiss of his unresponsive lover’s lips. Letting him go, he went out into the hall, slipped into his shoes and left the apartment, shutting the door behind him.

Ryuichi watched Tatsuha go sadly. He hugged Mr. Bear tighter and prayed that Shuichi was all right.

*

As much as he wanted to, he could not cry anymore. He had no more tears to shed. He was all cried out. Now he was just felt numb.

An unseasonably chill wind was blowing off the water but it had nothing to do with the coldness he felt all the way down to his bones. No amount of clothes or blankets could chase this chill away.

He was scared and so confused. He had no idea what he was going to do. Could he confront Eiri with the truth about himself and take the chance that the man he loved would walk out of his life forever? And what about Taki and Kizou? What would their reactions be when he told them about the baby? And what about the baby? As Ryuichi said, he was only sixteen! There was no way in hell he could take care of a baby. What if Tohma misplaced his trust when he signed Bad Luck to NG and they did not make it big like everyone thought? Then what? He had not gone to high school or college. He had barely passed middle school. He would be screwed. Just like Ryuichi said.

Shuichi laid his hands over his still flat stomach. If…if Eiri turned his back on him and the baby…Then what? Rely on Taki or Kizou? What if they turned him away as well?

His head hurt. He wished this were some bad dream.

He slumped onto an empty park bench and stared blankly over the calm waters. He forced his mind to shut down. He did not want to think about anything right now. All he wanted to do was forget.

*

Out of the corner of his eye, Hiro spotted a bright pink head sticking out among all the darker ones. Signaling, he swung his bike around and pulled into the park’s parking lot. Taking off his helmet, he placed it on his seat and went in search of that pink head he had seen from the road. It had to be Shuichi. Nobody else had hair like that, but according to Tatsuha, Shuichi had been feeling under the weather this morning, which was why he had not been at the studio today. So, if he was sick, then why was Shuichi at the park?

He found the singer easily. Hiro frowned as he came closer to the boy. Shuichi looked terrible. He had a dead expression on his face and a blank stare in his eyes. His face was pale and drawn. His eyes were red rimmed and slightly puffy like he had been crying. “Shu,” he called.

Shuichi gave no indication that he heard him.

Hiro stepped around the bench and stood before the singer. “Shuichi.”

Shuichi blinked, bringing a tall man with long reddish brown hair into focus.

“Hey, Man,” Hiro said softly, sitting down next to him.

Shuichi blinked once at him and turned to stare back out over the water.

Hiro frowned. “Shuichi?”

“Hiro,” the singer whispered. His voice was thick from all the crying he had done earlier. “Would a person who hates neutrals be happy to learn that their partner is one?”

“What? Where is this coming from?”

“Would you be happy to learn that your partner is pregnant…especially if there is a really good chance that the baby wasn’t yours?”

Hiro did not like where this conversation was going. “Shuichi, what’s this about?”

At any other time, this would have been when he burst into tears and started blubbering like an idiot, but Shuichi was all tapped out. Instead, he gave his friend a sad smile. Shaking his head, he stood up and walked away, vanishing into a passing crowd of people, leaving Hiro to stare after him in bewilderment.

*

Hiro shook back his hair and started to slip on his helmet when a car slowed down besides him. He looked up curiously. The driver’s side window rolled down and a familiar face came into view. Tucking his motorcycle helmet under his arm, he smiled. “Hey, Tatsuha.”

“Hiro,” Tatsuha nodded monotonously. “You haven’t seen Shuichi, have you?”

“Shu? Actually, yeah, I just saw him.”

Tatsuha snapped to attention, an eager, determined expression on his face. “Where?” he demanded. “Where was he?”

Hiro blinked at the older man’s tone. “He was in the park, but he’s not there anymore,” he hurriedly added.

“Damn!” Tatsuha slammed a hand against the steering wheel. “Where did he go?”

“He didn’t say,” he answered silently, “though he was acting kinda strange. Well,” Hiro corrected, “weird for Shuichi anyways.”

Tatsuha sighed, cursing at himself and his situation.

“Tatsuha, what’s going on?”

Tatsuha shook his head. “It’s not my place to say.”

Hiro nodded in understanding, but frowned even harder.

“How did he look?” Tatsuha asked silently after several moments of nothing.

“Shu?” Hiro shrugged when Tatsuha nodded. “I don’t know. Kinda like he was down and out, ya know?”

Tatsuha sighed. “Thanks, Hiro. Did you see in what direction he was headed?”

Hiro pointed.

“If you see him, give me a call?”

“Sure,” Hiro nodded.

“Thanks, Hiro.” With a wave, Tatsuha rolled the window back up and pulled away, vanishing into the heavy late afternoon traffic much the same way Shuichi had not too long ago.

*

Shuichi had no idea where he was going and frankly did not care. He just let his feet take him wherever it was they wanted to go. His mind was a blank slate as he walked through the city. He did not see the shops and cafés he passed or feel the sharp jolts as he bumped into one person after another. He was deaf to their shouts and curses. The squealing of brakes and screeching of tires went in one ear and right out the other. He was a mindless zombie wandering aimlessly through the city.

He was not sure how long he had been roaming the city when he found himself standing outside his parent’s house. He blinked violet eyes in shock. Staring up at the non-discrete white house that was several miles outside of the city, he gulped in sudden fright.

He suddenly felt like a hamster running around in its wheel or as if he was trapped in a nightmare, where you are running but not getting anywhere. His pulse was pounding like a bass drum in his ear and his palms were sweaty. A flurry of butterflies fluttered nervously in his stomach. He felt nauseous and knew it had nothing to do with morning sickness.

As he stared up at the house, he suddenly knew what he had to do, but part of him wanted nothing more than to turn tail and race away in the opposite direction. Banishing those thoughts, he steeled himself and walked up to the house. As he stood before the door, he almost lost his nerve, but he knew his mother would be able to help him. She was the only one he knew of that might understand what he was going through right now. She herself had been barely out of high school when she had Ryuichi.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and went in. As soon as he stepped through the door, a melody of odors assailed his senses. There was a strong scent of disinfectant and papaya. The house in its entirety had that just cleaned smell to it. Under that was another mouth watering aroma. His stomach gurgled, reminding him that he had not eaten all day.

“Mom,” he called loudly.

“In the kitchen,” his mother shouted from the back of the house.

He dropped his backpack to the floor and took off his sneakers, slipping into a pair of house slippers. Feeling as if he were going to be sick, Shuichi shuffled down the hall towards the kitchen. He had never felt like this before. It felt like he was walking to his death.

From the safety of the doorway, he watched his mother dash around the kitchen. Half of the island counter was a mess of measuring spoons and cups, bowls, spoons and whisks, eggshells, spilled flour, sugar, vanilla and a variety of other things he could not identify. The other half had several baking sheets with small round balls of dough sitting on them all ready for the oven. Cooling racks sat on the counter on either side of the sink with cookies cooling on them. Several platters sat on the small kitchen table filled with mountains of already baked cookies.

“Hey, Honey,” his mother greeted him as the timer went off.

“Hey, Mom. What are you doing?”

“Making cookies.” Mrs. Shindou grabbed a potholder from the mess on the island counter and walked over to the stove. She took out two sheets of deliciously golden brown cookies from the oven, setting them on top of the stove. She then took the two from the island behind her and slid them into the oven. Closing the door, she set the timer.

“Why?”

Shuichi’s mother took down another plate from the cupboards and moved the cookies from the cooling racks onto it. “A bake sale at Maiko’s school.”

“Oh. Shouldn’t she be down here doing this then?”

“She wasn’t feeling good this morning. She’s upstairs sleeping,” she explained as she set the plate on the table next to the others and grabbing a spatula out of the mess on the counter, transferred the cookies freshly out of the oven from the sheets to the cooling rackets.

It was now or never, he thought. “Mom.”

“Yes, dear?” Mrs. Shindou set the bare cookies sheets on the island counter and reached inside the large mixing bowl. She dropped rounded teaspoon sized pieces of dough onto the cookie sheets.

“Uhm.” Shuichi gulped, licking suddenly dry lips. His heart was beating wickedly. Why was it he felt as if he were standing in front of firing squad?

“What is it, Shuichi?” his mother asked moving to the second sheet.

“Actually, uhm…Mom, I’m, uhm…What would you say if I told you…I’m pregnant?” he asked, his voice dropping to a whisper.

“What did you say dear?” his mother questioned as she continued to drop the cookie dough on the cookie sheets.

Shuichi clenched his hands and gritted his teeth. “I’m going to have a baby,” he cried loudly.

Mrs. Shindou’s hands stilled. The ball she was forming plopped back into the bowl. Her head snapped up. She glanced up at her son with a pale face. A thousand thoughts and emotions played out across her face. “That better be a joke, Shuichi Shindou! Because last time I checked boys can’t have babies.”

Tears formed in Shuichi’s eyes. He dropped his head sadly. He did not understand how his mother could be in such denial about her own child! She did this the other day when he had asked her about taking him to the doctor so he could get birth control. “It isn’t,” he told her, shaking his head. He lifted his face and stared at his mother with pleading eyes. “Mom, I’m going to have a baby.”

“What the fuck did you just say?” growled a voice from behind him.

Shuichi gasped as his heart skipped a beat. His tears stopped before they had a chance to form like someone had flicked a switch. He stood frozen, his violet eyes impossibly huge as a wave of fear washed over him. “D-dad,” he stuttered.

Mrs. Shindou dropped her gaze and busied herself with filling the cookie sheets with the last of her cookie dough, trying to ignore the confrontation between father and son. A quick check at the timer told her the cookies in the oven were almost done.

Mr. Shindou marched forward and grabbed Shuichi’s arm tightly, swinging him around to face him. He shook him hard, grinding his teeth.

Shuichi cringed away from the livid manifestation he saw burning deeply within his father’s eyes. His face was a twisted mask of fury. “That hurts,” Shuichi cried, trying to pry his father’s hand from his arm.

“This’d better be a sick joke!”

“N-no,” Shuichi sobbed as tears spilled down his face.

Mr. Shindou’s eyes narrowed. “No what?” he growled dangerously.

Tears blurred his vision and trailed down his face as if a dam had broken. “No, it’s not a joke!”

“You damn slut,” his father snarled, shaking him harder.

“Dad, please,” he pleaded when the grip on his arm tightened. He glanced over his father’s shoulder at his mother who was removing the cookie sheets from the oven and placing them on the stovetop to cool. Why was she not doing anything to help him?

“Not only did you have to be born this…this freak,” he spit, “but now you have to go and flaunt your freakish mutation!”

Shuichi sobbed harder. “Mom!” he cried.

“Don’t you dare ask her to help you! My house. My rules,” Mr. Shindou snapped. He turned and walked back through the house, dragging Shuichi with him.

Shuichi glanced over his shoulder at his mother who was placing the cookies that were already on the rack to a plate on the table. “Mom,” he wailed through his tears. “Mom!” He fought his father’s vice-like grip. “Mom, please!”

Mr. Shindou flung open the front door, pulling his struggling son behind him. The door slammed into the foyer wall, leaving a perfect imprint of the doorknob. The door bounced off the wall and hit him in the back, but he felt nothing. His anger blinded him to everything but the irritant he had had to live with for the past sixteen years.

He literally threw his son out of the house and watched as the boy tripped down the steps. He felt nothing as the boy hit the ground hard. When his son winced and cried out on pain, he still felt nothing but anger.

Shuichi pushed himself up, hissing in pain, and glanced up at his father through tear-blurred eyes, cradling his stomach. “Daddy,” he sobbed piteously. He reached out a shaking hand towards the man, ignoring the slight twinge of pain in his arms and legs. “Daddy, please!”

For just a second, Shuichi thought he saw his father’s eyes soften but the tenderness was gone as quickly as it appeared and the hard mask returned.

Over his father’s shoulder, he spied his mother. She glanced around her bulky husband with tears running down her face.

He reached out for her. “Mama! Mama, please! Don’t do this! Mama!”

Mrs. Shindou turned her face away and fled back into the kitchen. She made her decision.

Shuichi sobbed harder. He glanced at his father.

“Until you fix this problem of yours, don’t even bother to show your face in this house again,” he ordered. He bent down and grabbed his son’s bag, tossing it along with his sneakers out of the house. With one last evil glare, Mr. Shindou stepped back and slammed the door shut with such force that the entire frame shook. When the lock clicked, it sounded unnaturally loud.

Shuichi curled up into a fetal position and sobbed.

***