How to leave the closet

Arthur was floating, his body moving to the beat of the music. The men around him had no eyes, only big smiles, and they were moving closer and closer. Rock on, keep on rocking, Arthur didn\'t feel like stopping, not even as a pair of strong arms locked around his waist and Alfred\'s smooth voice whispered lovely things into his ear. His face was showered in kisses, his body was touched by unknown hands, but what had felt good earlier suddenly turned rough and demanding. There was no music anymore, only screams and yelling and nasty whispering. Yao grabbed his tie and forced him to look into his deep, brown eyes.



\'Take care, take care, I take care of my family, take care!\' Arthur wriggled and tried to get free, tried to get help, but Alfred was not Alfred anymore, he was Kiku, and the kisses turned to bites. He screamed for them to stop, but they wouldn\'t. Two hands reached out from the crowd of people, the fingers locked around his nose, slammed over his mouth, prevented him from breathing. He was burning on the inside, his lungs begged for air, and he needed it. Now.



--



Arthur slapped the hands away that prevented him from getting air and took in a heavy breath. Above him someone snickered.



"Awake now?" Arthur wiped his eyes from tears - just when did he start crying? - and tried to focus on the person above, but his gaze was blurry. There was golden hair and blue eyes and glasses.



"Alfred?" he asked in a hoarse voice, receiving a laughter.



"You wish, pet-boy." Arthur narrowed his gaze. A smug smile met him.



"Oh, Matthew…"



"Head on. That is, if you have a head anymore." Matthew knocked a few times at Arthur\'s forehead with a closed fist. Arthur groaned as a pain shot down his spine and he smacked the man\'s hand away.



"Stop that, that hurts!" Arthur pushed himself up in sitting position, just to be hit by an even greater pain. His head was messing with him like nobody\'s business. His brain told him to throw himself down and keep sleeping, his heart wanted to dance and float and drink. His liver just wanted a quiet death. Arthur hid his face behind his hands and took in a deep mouthful of air. His pupils were having their own dance underneath his eyelids. He slowly slipped down to lie again, completely wasted.



Wait - where was he anyway?



Arthur opened his eyes to take in the surroundings. He was in a bedroom, obviously, but not one he recognized. The bed was soft and black, the walls creamy and filled with posters of naked men. His eyes fixed on one of them, some black/white photograph of a guy in an erotic cowboy-costume. Kind of cute. Second thought, kind of Alfred.



"Is that-?"



"Oh yes." Matthew got up and peeled the framed photo down from the wall, smiling somewhat wicked. "You\'re in Alfred\'s bedroom, though I\'m sure this photo is hanging in several gays\' bedroom." He threw it over to Arthur who cached it and blinked musingly.



"Others have this?" He took a look at the photograph. Alfred was standing with his back facing the viewer, sending a suggestive look over his shoulder. He had the hat, the pistol, the pants and the boots. But the boots had high heels, and the pants had no cover for his butt. Arthur licked his lips and held it up in light flickering in through the window, getting a better view.



"Yeah, it\'s from a photoshoot done downtown. He was 19, met this photographer who really wanted photos of him. Stupidly he just agreed. Of course I went with him to make sure he didn\'t get raped or something like that. He could\'ve been screwed to a bloody mess, I mean, look at him." Oh, Arthur was looking. Matthew took a seat on the bed, stretching his arms above his head with a bored look in his eyes. "But he had agreed to a contract I hadn\'t read through, and of course he hadn\'t taken a second look at it. It said that the photographer was allowed to post the pictures wherever he wanted to, and even sell them. Alfred\'s a postcard!" Matthew grinned widely. Arthur snorted witted.



"Such a dork." He put the picture down, closing his eyes shortly. "Where is he, anyway?" he asked, opening one eye a little to peek at Matthew, "and how come you\'re here?" Matthew rolled with his eyes as if he\'d asked the most annoying question of all time. He ran a hand through his hair, making a random lock bounce up in the air above his head.



"Well, I should be the one to ask you why you\'re here. Alfred came home completely stoned, just kicking the door into the bedroom open, you in his arms. I was just about to get it on with Katherine!" Matthew sent Arthur a displeased look. Arthur quickly tumbled up to sit in the bed again, repulse written all over his face.



"You were about to make love with someone in your brother\'s bed?!" Arthur\'s eyes slipped over the bed. Had they done something in it before? Had there been a naked girl spreading her legs at the same spot he was sitting? Had Matthew been jerking off while-



Matthew gave his shoulder a friendly slap. "Relax! We didn\'t get to do anything. The bed is clean, okay? Katherine didn\'t wanted to sleep in anything but clean linen, it\'s newly washed." Arthur rubbed his shoulder with a contemplated look in his eyes, but he nodded slowly, for what else could he do?



"At least she has a little sense in her head, it seems.." Arthur rubbed his forehead with a sigh. Matthew just smiled.



"Alfred\'s out buying us lunch."



"Oh? He\'s already on both legs again?"



"Hell, his body has gotten used to a constant flow of alcohol running through his system. As long as you don\'t ask him anything complicated, you can\'t tell that he\'s not sober yet."



"What would be considered complicated?"



"Don\'t ask him what city we\'re in." Matthew winked at him and got up. "Go take a shower, man, you stink. Alfred has washed the clothes he was wearing, it\'s borrowed from you, right? It\'s in the bathroom, so you can just put that on. I\'ll go make coffee." Arthur waited until Matthew had left the bedroom, then he swung his legs out from underneath the blanket.



"Well, I guess that\'s his way of making me feel like at home."



He was having a hard on. He went to take a leak before showering. Underneath the warm water, he actually felt okay. It wasn\'t like he hadn\'t been drunk before from partying; hell, today was Thursday, and as he had went to pick up Matthew Tuesday morning, he hadn\'t been all that sober. Two times in one week, and he hadn\'t even reached weekend yet. Maybe he should start cutting down on the booze. After all, he wasn\'t too keen on ending up like an alcoholic as he\'d told Alfred the night before.



True, the clothes Alfred had borrowed was placed next to the sink. Arthur picked up the shirt and stared at it for a few seconds before he buried his nose deep into the fabric. It didn\'t smell one bit like Alfred. Sweat and all had been washed away and replaced with a bitter reek of perfume. He slipped it on and grabbed the pants, looking around as he found no underwear.



"Uh, Matthew?" Arthur opened the door slightly, peeking out with only his face, "there are no underwear?" Matthew backed out from the kitchen, sending him a pair of puzzled eyes before breaking into a grin.



"I\'m so used to Alfred not wearing such. Sorry. Want to borrow one of his?" Arthur bit down onto his lower lip.



"Well, I guess I have to…" Matthew disappeared into the bedroom and came back with a white pair of boxers. Arthur took them with a thankful smile. He then realised: "Wait, does that mean that Alfred was wearing nothing when in my pants?" Matthew\'s smile turned smug, and he just left for the kitchen. Arthur quickly slammed the door shut and stared at the pants in his hands. "…bastard."



*



Seated in the kitchen with a cup of coffee between his hands, Arthur felt there was something he had forgotten about. Something important. He swirled the coffee around and raised his brows, letting go of an annoyed sigh.



"It was something that happened at the club… Something devastating… Why can\'t I remember? I remember Alfred and I danced on stage and the nice drinks and how he kissed me. But I can\'t remember this… This something…"



Arthur closed his eyes and tried to think back, but instead of the memories from the night, he could only remember the dream he had just had. Yao had appeared in that dream. Yes, that was right, that Chinese guy had threatened him. Arthur opened his eyes again and smiled down into the black liquid.



"That\'s probably it," he told himself in his thoughts, but he still felt like he had forgotten something.



Matthew slumped down to sit across from him at the table. He was rolling himself a cigarette with what he called for \'magic tobacco\'. He stuck the filter in between his lips and lit up the roll, inhaling deeply. "Hey," he mumbled, smoke slipping from his lips, "how\'s it going with you and Alfred anyway?" Arthur raised a brow and took a tighter hold around his cup.



"Well, it\'s hard to say…" he mumbled, not wanting to say something wrong. This seemed like a set -up; the protective guy asking out his brother\'s newest boy. "We\'ve only been on one date." Matthew peeled the ashtray closer and tapped a little ash off the smoke down into it.



"Alfred\'s a good guy," he sighed, "but he\'s not monogamous." Matthew raised his brows at Arthur as if he was secretly excusing for it. Arthur sloped his head a little to the side, listening. "I normally don\'t interfere with his relationships. It\'s really none of my business, but you\'re not from here. You\'re from the straight world. Things works differently there." He inhaled again, coughing. "I know. I am with Katherine, so I know. You\'ve been with a woman before, right?" Arthur nodded and took a sip of his coffee.



"I used to be married." Matthew smiled a little.



"There you go." He rested his elbows at the table, taking in Arthur\'s look while tasting the cigarette. "You know, girls want their dreams to come true. The dream of the perfect man who understands them and helps them and love them for what they are. They put emotions first, sex later. A girl who sleeps with someone on their first date is a slut." Arthur let go of a short laugh. If there had been a lady in the room, he would\'ve disagreed with Matthew and probably put up a fight for women\'s right. But it was true. He wouldn\'t think highly of a girl spreading her legs immediately. "But with men it\'s different."



"Sex first, emotions later."



"Exactly." Matthew licked his lips. "So… had sex with Alfred yet?" Arthur\'s gaze locked with his. Matthew smirked.



"…Are you suggesting what I think you are?"



"I might." Arthur\'s fingers tapped against the cup\'s sides. He looked away and narrowed his eyes.



"You\'re a good brother," he said, "asking me that sort of questions."



"You must think I hate you."



"No." Matthew\'s eyes widened slightly. Arthur sent him a pair of smiling eyes. "Saying such shows you care a lot for my feelings. You\'re afraid I\'ll get hurt. You may be fooling others, but I can see right through you. You\'re actually a kind soul." Matthew snorted humoured.



"Come on." He looked down. Arthur slipped a hand through his hair and leant back into the chair.



"I\'ve never been with a man. I\'ve never had sex with a man. Only girls. Always girls, trying to fit in in school, high school, university, at work. Always." Arthur shook his head, the memories making him upset. "Sometimes I fucked them and called them whores afterwards, just to fit in. Pathetic, right?" The eyes looking at Matthew were sorrow filled. Matthew shook his head.



"No. I get it."



"You must think less of me."



"Of course not."



"I\'ve always stayed away from gays. I didn\'t wanted to see what I couldn\'t have, for it just made me angry. But in my head I kept making up this image of a guy. Me with a guy. That was my dream future."



They went silent for a while. Matthew peeled up his cigarette again.



"You surely hide a lot behind that straight façade of yours."



"Well, I am a human." Arthur drank the coffee left in his cup before leaving it empty on the table. He rested his hands in his lap. "You\'re right. Girls are different from guys. But in the end I believe neither of us want to be left alone. I like sex. I love it., and I know I will love it even more with a man. But I like holding hands, too." Arthur looked at Matthew, who were listening carefully, cigarette hanging between his lips. "I like just hanging out, listening to music, sharing a moment. I don\'t think it\'s girly, I just think not many guys admit being addicted to such stuff. If we really hated it that much, not many straight guys could stand being with a girl. We\'re not emotionless." Matthew scratched his cheek.



"I guess."



"Has Alfred ever had a successful relationship?"



"Well, he\'s only 21," he mumbled, "he\'s still high on sex and alcohol. His longest worship lasted three weeks. As I said, he\'s not monogamous. He normally ends up sleeping with someone else. I think he doesn\'t like settling down. I don\'t think he really cares for what other feels or thinks."



"But he went with the photographer." Matthew snorted.



"What does that has to do with anything?"



"He wants to be seen."



"Come again."



"I think it\'s obvious." Arthur sloped his head to the side, a caring smile flickering over his lips. "He dresses up, goes to town, try to make everyone look at him. He\'s not shy. He shoves people aside, making them stare at him. He dances on stage, making them cheer. He befriends everyone, making connections. He wants to be seen. He wants to feel that he\'s something special. It seems he has always been popular. It makes me wonder; has he been loved for who he is, or for who he acted like?" Matthew narrowed his gaze. Arthur knew he was going to far, provoking the other to react. He leant in over the table, whispering:



"He went with that photographer, because he wanted to be adored, he wanted to be looked at and accepted. I bet my dear life on that he had read that contract before signing it. He didn\'t care. He would let the man use the photos for whatever, as long as more people would look at him and adore him and accept him."



"We\'ve always accepted him. No one in the family has ever told him that he couldn\'t be gay, that he couldn\'t be who he wanted to. He has always dressed as it pleased him, did as it pleased him."



"Maybe that\'s the problem," Arthur sighed, "no one has held onto him. He seemed surprised that I hadn\'t had sex in public. For him that\'s everyday life. Having sex in public makes a greater chance of being seen than having sex in a bedroom. He\'s just pushing boundaries until someone grabs him by the collar and tells him to stop, tells him that he has gone too far. But when you\'re popular, no one does that! You set the rules!"



"And you think you can set him some rules to obey?" Matthew asked, clearly not believing Arthur one word. Arthur shrugged his shoulders.



"I don\'t know. I am just saying - he might not be monogamous, he might not be able to hold onto a date. But I think he misses being able to do so, not having everything being chaos. Why else should he bother trying to get an old straight fellow to loosen up?" Matthew grinned.



"I knew it. You\'re just trying to assure yourself that you\'ll be his one and only. It\'s not going to happen, man. Not going to." Arthur just smiled and said nothing.



"Maybe. Maybe that\'s what I am trying to do. I don\'t know." He looked out of the window. It was facing out to the street. He could see people passing down at the street. "I don\'t know what I am doing anymore. I don\'t screw random people. I like to work hard and I like to sit and have a quiet evening. And even though I am sitting in some gay\'s apartment, speaking to his brother and assuring myself that I know everything. I don\'t know why I am doing any of what I am doing. I just… like it." Arthur nodded to himself, smiling at his dim reflection in the window. "Yes. I like it. I feel happy. I feel good…"



"I bring condoms and noodles!" Alfred\'s voice echoed through the flat and a door slammed shut. Arthur smiled and got up, following the sound of Alfred to the living room.



"That sounds good." Alfred smiled brightly as he saw him.



"Oh, hey! Ya\'re actually awake? Cool!" Alfred kicked off his shoes. He was holding onto two bags of goodies, looking really happy with his cheeks bright red and eyes shining. Arthur matched Alfred\'s smile and went over to peck his lips shortly. Alfred licked his lips with surprised eyes. "Seems like you\'re in a good mood?"



"I am, and starving." Arthur grabbed one of the bags, carrying it to the kitchen with Alfred following him.



"Still here, Matthew?"



"Geez, relax, I get it." Matthew got up. "I\'ll leave the lovebirds alone." Alfred winked at him and grinned.



"Great."



"See you, Arthur." Matthew waved shortly at Arthur before going for the door. It shut. Arthur opened the bag and mumbled something joyful at the sight of the boxes of noodles and shrimps.



"So, didya talk about anything special?" Alfred asked, placing some stuff from the other bag in the fridge. Arthur shook his head.



"Nope, nothing important. I just got up. - Which reminds me, if you ever borrow my pants again, wear underwear." Arthur raised his brows at Alfred who laughed.



"I like to go without."



"No, I am serious - you could have the sweetest groin in the world, but I don\'t want my crotch smelling of it." Alfred stared at him. Arthur nodded sternly. Then Alfred shrugged his shoulders.



"Okay."



"Okay?"



"Yeah, I get it." Arthur smiled. Alfred leant over and grabbed one of the boxes. "Chilli-noodles for me!" he chirped.



"Whatever, as long as I get to choose what we watch at the telly."



"…if you get the chilli-noodles, can I decide?"



"Yeah."



"Okay, you get them - I don\'t feel like watching cartoons." Arthur chuckled and accepted the box.



"Why do you think I would watch that?" he asked.



"They\'re always sending that one with the unicorn at this time of day." Arthur\'s eyes widened.



"Seriously? There\'s a cartoon with unicorns in it?"



"You didn\'t know? Well, it doesn\'t matter, for there\'s Seinfeld at the other channel."



"…you get the noodles, I want to watch unicorns." Alfred sighed,



"You\'re such an ass."