Choices

AN: Hehe. This chapter was originally started two days before thanksgiving. You see how long it takes me to edit stuff?

And someone pointed out that Rodger is supposed to be spelt without the ‘d’, however I do know that. The problem is that WORD automatically fixes it to 'Rodger' every time I open the documents. So until I can fix the issue.... it will stay Rodger. Sorry!

Suggested Listening: Friend or Foe by t.A.t.U; Treasure by Flyleaf

Chapter Twelve: Choices

Green eyes stared at the screen in a blank manor.

Matt, for once, didn't know what to do. He jammed a cigarette into his mouth and lit it. He had too many things to worry about at the moment and Rodger could be damned if he thought Matt wasn't going to smoke inside.

He pushed open the second story library window, and despite the cold air that rushed in, stayed close to the opening.

His hands shook, and it had nothing to do with the weather. He frowned darkly and shoved his hands into his pockets.

He was in a very bad situation. In fact it was absolute shit. Matt leaned his head against the window's cold surface, careful not to crush the cigarette. In just under five days, L would be coming to Whammys.

That wasn't even the main problem.

Matt exhaled sharply and smoke swirled about in a large cloud; his heart still beat abnormally fast in his chest.

No, the problem had to do with the change in his mission objective. He wasn't unused to such things. Far from it. And he'd also done this many times in the past. But now...

Light had ordered him to assassinate L.

He laughed, a completely hollow sound, and ran gloved fingers through his hair. He had four days to make a decision. Four days, and no matter what he chose, he was fucked.

If he went by what Light had told him, then the choice was clear, kill L. And afterwards leave Whammys. If he went by what his heart told him, then he had to warn L. And the outcome of that was not something even he could figure out.

The first thing he had to do was find proof that Light hadn't lied, that L had many innocents killed in order for his brand of justice to work out. But the look Light had in his eyes as he'd said that... had Matt very doubtful.

If L truly had done all those horrible things, Matt didn't think he would care about one of his successor’s birthdays, or care enough to visit for the holidays. L was coming to give Mello his gift personally, as it would be around a week after the blonde's birthday, and spend Christmas there.

Though whether or not he would let himself be seen by all the orphans or just a select few, Matt just didn't know.

He pinched the end off the cigarette and tossed it out the window. There would be no rest for him until he got to the bottom of it. It was either lie awake while his emotions and thoughts whirled around, or do some hacking and get answers.

It was almost funny, in a way. At the start of all of this, Matt wouldn't have questioned his orders in the slightest, and would have complied and easily killed L. But now... it just wasn't the same. Matt knew what he wanted to chose, but without a firm answer he just wouldn’t do it.

Matt was going to hack Light's main server. It would have everything he needed stored on it. The best part, Matt had designed the entire system for him. Matt knew every access point and had even left a few backdoors for himself because he had been bored.

Even if Light tried, he couldn't lock Matt out from the system; though there would be no reason for him to do so at the moment. Still, Matt wasn't going to use his normal means of accessing the data as it would be heavily monitored.

He moved the laptop over to the plush chair and coffee table. It was going to be a while before he got to go back to their room, and he had no desire to sit on the cold floor the entire time. Just because he knew how to get in, didn't mean he knew where the data would be.

The kind he was looking for would be well hidden, even in the 'secure' server.

His fingers started off softly, lazy almost in their movements, as he brought up a special program and began the hack. Getting in was easy, and staying undetected was the same. He would know the second they caught on to him, if they did at all, and he would have time to back out before the trace could complete and they figured out who it was.

The files wouldn't be in any of the main areas, probably in Lights personal files, or perhaps even under Kira.

His fingers picked up speed; they flew across the keyboard in quick, fluid movements, as they tried to keep up with his thoughts.

Kira. Everything had to be under Kira's files.

The Kira file, was almost something like a ghost drive, it was there and yet not at the same time. Matt just had to find it. It was easier said than done, especially with the large amounts of drives, files and systems to sift through.

It was a challenge, something that interested Matt, and something he couldn't afford to fail at.

He swept through piles and piles of data, nothing, not even a whisper about Kira. He lit another cigarette, but this time didn't bother to move towards the window. Where would Kira's file be....?

Hour after hour and still nothing. “Damn it...” he muttered, close to chewing on his addiction. His fingers stopped, paused mid-type, and he grinned. He had been looking in the wrong places.

“Clever...” he continued his search, this time in a far more obvious place. What better than to hide something in plain sight?

Seconds, minutes, hours later, Matt blinked, eyesight blurred, and he tugged the goggles away from his eyes. He winced at the influx of sunlight. He'd been working all night... and what he'd found...

Light... no Kira, had stated that L had perverted justice to suit his own needs, when all along that's exactly what he'd been doing himself. Matt had never really thought about the reason he'd had to lie, steal or even kill for his job.

Because it had just been a job. Whammys, Mello, had made him look passed the job; had forced him to notice the people behind it all.

Had forced Matt to seek the truth.

And he had found it, the reason Light wanted L dead.

L had been steadily catching, and placing, people who worked for Light in jail; which was in turn cutting into the work Light had been doing. Matt was, in a way, relieved. His choice, no matter the consequences, would be the one he wanted to make. Would be the right one.

He did, however, have his work cut out for him.

He would need a reason for L to listen to him, to get L to talk with him alone, without outright telling him whilst in the company of Whammy or Rodger. He would need to hack into Whammys systems again and look through the rest of the files, perhaps there was something that only someone who read the files should know.

Something, that if Matt happened to let slip, would make L curious. Or more likely worried.

He had four days to do so, without Mello finding out. Mello couldn't know, at least not before L knew. Matt had no idea how the blonde would take something like that, and he couldn't afford to get arrested because Mello did something hasty.

Matt glanced at the time wearily and sighed. Mello would already be up and wondering where the hell he was. He really needed some caffeine though....

He shut down the laptop, replaced the furniture and closed the window. The room smelled slightly of smoke, though if Rodger didn't visit the library for the next few hours, the smell might dissipate enough for him not to get caught.

He yawned widely and trudged down the steps; he might have time to make coffee if he was quick enough... though the probable interrogation Mello would give him would chip away at that time.

It was going to be a long, long week, he thought.

He almost winced, as he opened the door, at the force of the glare that was placed on him. “Where the hell have you been?” Mello's eyes were narrowed and his voice calm. Too calm.

“I couldn't sleep. I went to the library so I wouldn't wake you with all the typing.” Matt shrugged a shoulder and continued to his side of the room; though he did note that Mello's angry calm turned to surprise, for what reason Matt couldn't figure out.

“You forgot to replace your goggles, you know?” Mello said quietly. Matt's hand paused above the desk, where he'd just placed the heated laptop. Well that would explain the surprise. Mello had only seen him with his goggles off once before.

“I keep forgetting your eyes are green...” he heard the blonde mumble as he opened another bar, if the crinkling and tearing of foil was any indication. It was odd, he'd spent all that time agonizing over what he would do, but now that he was around Mello again, he thought the choice should have been obvious.

How could he have ever considered hurting him? Because Mello would have been devastated if L was murdered.

“Think there is enough time to grab coffee?” Matt questioned aloud. He heard Mello snort. “I'll take that as a no...” he sighed heavily.

“Can I eat some of your chocolate then, that stuff is supposed to have caffeine in it, right?” he was too tired to care where the caffeine came from, so long as he could have some. Granted chocolate had only a little, but it was better than nothing...

“Catch.”

Matt had just enough time to turn his head before a bar of dark chocolate smacked him in the face. Perfect.

He didn't comment on it though, as Mello expression was slightly apologetic, if not slightly amused as well. He shook his head and stuffed the bar into his pocket, along with his PSP.

“Not going to save it for your morning cigarette?” Mello asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I already had one in the library. A few actually.” Matt answered as he motioned to the half empty pack before he placed it in his back pocket.

“Remind me to laugh at you when Rodger takes away your cigarettes.” Mello's grin was full of mischief, and Matt forced himself to remember that loosing his cigarettes was bad.

“You won't be laughing if you have to deal with me when I’m craving. If I’m miserable, everyone else will be as well.” which was true. As he tended to become rather vindictive and short tempered when he was without them.

“If you hide my chocolate again I will chop your hands off, friend or not.” Mello told him with all seriousness. Matt laughed at the imagery of himself with no hands. Though he knew that it shouldn't be amusing.

“And who gets you the good chocolate?” he reminded the blonde. Mello rolled his eyes and purposely took a bite.

“Are you going to change, or go through the day in yesterdays clothing?” Mello asked, amused.

“Give me a minute then.” he mumbled. He couldn't believe that had slipped his mind so easily. Or maybe it should have been expected with everything from the past few days. With little enthusiasm he entered the bathroom and changed.

He would have actually preferred to take a shower, but it would have to wait until later, probably before dinner. “Hurry up!” he heard Mello yell from the other side. He rolled his eyes. He took five minutes and Mello had a fit, but if Mello took an hour everything was fine.

As he exited the bathroom he was tempted to throw his dirty clothes at Mello just to see what reaction he would get. Other than the usual angry snarls or thrown items. He sighed as Mello immediately left for breakfast. Why the blonde couldn't just go by himself....

Matt followed silently, not bothering with the PSP. He probably should have played it regardless of his current mood, as he wouldn't have much time to do so for the rest of the week.

Though he did know that if he altered his routine too much Mello, and even Near, were bound to notice.

He grabbed two breakfast rolls and sat down while Mello gathered whatever it was that was on his plate. Four months there and he still couldn't name half of the things that were served. At least most of them tasted good.

He ended up eating only half of one of the rolls. What he really wanted was coffee; which was sadly unavailable. He was going to be a right mess for the rest of the day... he needed something to distract him for the moment, until he caught his second, or was it third now, wind.

Matt decided, in his sleep deprived mind, that it would be amusing to mimic Mello as the blonde devoured his addiction. Matt had long ago memorized his friend’s pattern when it came to eating chocolate at meals.

Though the pattern was sometimes broken depending on his mood. And as Mello was in a generally good mood at the moment...

He unwrapped the chocolate at the exact moment Mello began to do the same with his. To observers, it might have looked like a coincidence. Though the fact that Matt was about to eat chocolate would have been strange enough.

He pealed the foil back in the same rushed and almost violent manor and waited exactly three seconds before he sank his teeth into the confection and pulled the chocolate upwards as he tore a piece off to create the same snap sound as Mello.

Some of the conversation had died down, and he knew that he was being watched. He didn't need to look up to know that Near's attention was on him and Mello's, more so than usual; as was the attention of probably everyone near the table.

It was fun to mess with people. They would wonder, question, the reason for him acting like that. And the amusing part was, he really didn't have a reason.

“Matt.” he turned at Mello's voice. He cocked his head to the side just as Mello did and let the chocolate rest by his lips like the blonde. “It’s more than a little creepy that you know me so well.” Mello told him with a half grin.

Matt couldn't help the smirk that formed. “I'm around you most of the day. It's not hard to copy you.” he bit off another piece of the rich chocolate and another snap filled the room.

Matt found it odd, now that he actually thought about it, that he allowed himself to act like that in public. But supposed that it didn't really matter as the mission was, in his mind, over.

He let the chocolate melt slowly in his mouth, it wasn't sweet like the milk chocolate Mello had made him try, and he rather liked it despite not being all that fond of sweet things all that much. He more preferred salty or spicy things; though lollipops were ok.

He finished off the rest of the chocolate quickly, and gained a slightly giddy feeling. Almost as though he'd eaten too much sugar, which the dark chocolate had very little of, or was high; which he knew the feeling of.

Matt decided that the reaction was probably caused by the 'happy' drug that resided in the cocoa; and the darker the chocolate the higher the content. Not quite like caffeine, but it wouldn't make him crash in a few hours like sugary things would either.

“Don't even think of getting addicted to my chocolate.” he heard Mello mumble as they departed for their classes.

Matt smirked. “There are far better things to be addicted to than chocolate.”

Mello rolled his eyes but didn't comment further. They ended up almost being late for class, as Mello hadn't been able to find one of his assignments. As such, Matt had to sit up front with Mello and Near, as his normal seat in the back was taken.

The lesson didn't interest Matt, in the least, and he'd been reduced to drawing pictures inside his notebook. At the very least it appeared that he had been taking notes.

His mind was stuck on far more important things, such as L's arrival. He knew there was nothing more he could do until he hacked into Whammys again, but it was impossible to rid his mind of those thoughts.

What he was about to do, was most likely the stupidest thing he'd ever done in the entirety of his life; simply for the fact that he would, in all likelihood, be dead by the end of it. For no one ever escaped Kira's grasp.

Ever.

Matt doubted that even L could protect him, as he had been sent to infiltrate Whammys, quite successfully at that.

It was said that love made people to stupid things, make stupid choices. And what he was doing was stupid, from a self preservation point of view. But even if L had done all those horrible things... Matt doubted he honestly could have made any other choice in the end.

Mello nudged him in the side and he looked over, only to find everyone else already gone.

“You really didn't get much sleep did you?” Mello sighed and dragged him from the seat. “Let's go before we end up late. Once of that is enough for a day.”

Matt allowed himself to be pulled along, with lighthearted amusement, because he knew that once L came, one way or another, things were going to change.

In their next class Matt was able to sit in the back of the room, so he made use of it and pulled the PSP out. At least his attention wouldn't drift as much while using his preferred handheld.

At least that was what he thought.

Between the lack of sleep and stressful, consuming, thoughts the classes passed quickly. He hardly even remembered lunch, other than Mello watching him carefully with an unreadable expression, and the other classes were no better.

He'd thought that once he'd made his decision, his choice, that things would be less complicated; and yet they seemed more so than ever. Was it because his choice didn’t only affect him, but the entirety of Whammys as well?

Matt had been relatively fine that morning, all things considered. And yet now everything just seemed so entirely bleak. It was like a delayed reaction with him; as though his brain only processed small bits of the problem at a time, leaving everything to drag on continuously.

“Matt, snap out of it! We've been in the room for fifteen minutes and all you've done is stare out the window.” Mello's irritated voice broke through his thoughts and left him to stare at the blonde.

“Really what is with you?” Mello continued, while he snatched another chocolate bar from his stash. “I have never seen you so out of it, I'd even venture to say that you are worried about something. So what's going on in the mind of yours?”

Matt shifted uncomfortably under the piercing and unrelenting gaze, unaware that he had been doing so. “I'm just tired. Nothing else.” he winced as Mello looked saddened for a moment before the blonde’s expression grew blank.

“Ok, I’m going to study in the library. You should get some rest.” Mello's voice was flat, emotionless, and Matt knew that if Mello left that something in their relationship would be torn. Unfixable.

Because even Mello could only take so many lies. Even if those lies were the only thing saving their friendship; at least that was what Matt believed.

“Mello...” he whispered and the blonde paused by the door, textbooks in hand. Matt's eyes were closed and he hoped that Mello wouldn't pry. That Mello would continue being a far better friend than he deserved.

“It's just dreams... their just dreams and...” the rest of the sentence, even half formed in his mind, just wouldn't come out. He couldn't say any more, if he spoke of being stressed then Mello would want to know why.

And if he were to say it was about work, Mello would assume that he was talking about the class work. Matt didn’t want to know what track Mello's mind would take with that information.

Mello's stiff posture lessened and he turned to face Matt. “I'm being pushy again, aren't I?”

Matt shook his head as Mello walked back over to his desk before he tossed the books onto it. He ruffled his hair and sighed. Mello didn't say anything more, even as Matt moved and grabbed his laptop and sat on his bed.

Matt did have to wonder what was going on in the blondes’ head. Matt would almost take the angry and pissed off Mello over the silent one. When Mello was silent, Matt wasn't sure how to handle him, even more so when he got that look on his face that said he was about to, or already was, over analyze things.

He sighed and turned his attention back to the laptop. He really needed to hack Whammys as he didn’t plan on any sleep for the foreseeable future. The atmosphere, while not quite as tense, was not a good one to fall asleep to.

Add that to his list of things to do...

“Hey Matt, study with me?” Mello's voice floated across the room, as did the hidden message. Forgive me?

“Sure.” though there was nothing to forgive. Matt had found that once Mello got it in his head that he was at fault, while not usually outright saying so, he would find ways to apologize. And half the time Mello hadn't even done anything. Though when he did, it was usually something monumental.

Matt just hoped that when everything was said and done, Mello could forgive him, for everything.

“At least I can insure that you don't fall from third in your zombie like state.” Mello said and tossed a book to Matt. He caught it and hopped off his bed to join Mello on his. He would much rather being hacking, but he knew Mello would have been less than pleased had he rejected his offer.

Not that Matt really had a reason to say no, or at least not a reason he could actually tell Mello.

There was no way around it. But Matt didn’t mind too much, as it did allow him to spend more time with Mello, rather than just be around him. He watched as Mello tucked his hair behind his ears, and cursed, completely irritated, as it slipped out of place almost immediately.

At Mello's slight pout, and annoyed roll of eyes, Matt felt, not for the first time, the sensation of butterflies in his stomach. That weirdly, almost pleasant, feeling...

Matt shook his head; he needed to stay clear of those emotions; especially around Mello. The last thing he needed at the moment was for the blonde to figure it all out.

Matt had to fight to keep his thoughts in check the entire time they studied, between his newfound headache, and Mello being Mello. Half of the things Mello had been doing made Matt wonder if the blonde knew about his feelings and was purposely trying to drive him crazy.

They had only gotten through one subject by the time dinner had arrived, and all things considered Matt would call that a victory.

Matt supposed that he should have been used to it by that point, by he still sighed as he spotted Near seated at the table. Though Matt had to admit, Near wasn't completely bad. Or at least not as bad as Mello continued to make him out to be.

Matt was tempted, however, to let Mello do as he wished on the times that Near did provoke him. Matt figured it would be his just deserts in an ugly sort of way, if Mello did beat him into the floor.

He sighed. His opinion was far too biased...

“I'm rather surprised you're letting me study, you're not going to suddenly decide I’m breaking the deal are you?” Mello questioned him, eyes narrowed, with a fork balanced between his long fingers. Matt raised an eyebrow.

“You're making it sound like I keep you from studying at all. And if I’m doing it with you than I can make sure you stop before you try to go all night.” Matt paused briefly and rewound the sentence in his head and flushed. The last half didn't sound right at all and made his thoughts drift back to the dream.

Matt felt tempted to hit his head on the table.

He saw the weird look Mello gave him but didn't think on it as Mello remained silent. He hoped Mello didn't want to study too late, however Matt wasn't about to let it go any longer than twelve.

He could hear Mello mutter softly, about something they had just studied, under his breath and rolled his eyes. Mello acted as though they hadn't just spent the better part of two hours going over that subject.

For once, Matt had hopped that dinner would last longer. He didn't like to study, and Mello or not, he still disliked it. It was a pointless endeavor to him, though he would never share those thoughts with the blonde.

As they walked back to their room, dinner having ended far too abruptly for his taste, Matt was rather displeased at the thought of continued study, but knew there was no way to get out of it. Mello seemed to be extra enthusiastic, now that dinner was over and the earlier awkwardness forgotten.

He doubted, as they continued, that he would even remember half of it the next day.

One subject blurred into two, into three and into four. Matt hadn't a clue as to how long they’d been studying, only that he was tired, more so than he'd been at dinner. Matt looked over to Mello, whose eyes blinked far too frequently for him to actually still be able to read anything.

Mello, who seemed to finally notice Matt's gaze, eyed the clock wearily and sighed before he closed the textbook.

“Alright, I guess we should stop. It is getting late.” Mello yawned widely and flopped backwards onto his bed.

It was around eleven and Matt was utterly exhausted by that time. Though he found it hard to be annoyed with the blonde despite his wasted night. There was no way he would have be able to stay awake long enough to complete the hack; as he knew he wouldn't have stopped until he'd found something of use in the database. Which probably would have left him without another night of sleep...

Which he just couldn't afford.

Matt rolled off the bed, as he watched Mello turn to his side and groan sleepily, and went to grab his night clothes. He didn't really care what he wore that night, as long as it was long sleeved.

Mello was at his laundry basket, having just changed, as Matt walked behind him; the only problem was that Mello decided to turn around that moment and collided directly with Matt.

“Damn!” Mello cursed and clutched Matt's arm tightly to keep his balance even as Matt nearly toppled over. Matt's arm had gone around Mello to help steady him, and it was only as his gloveless fingers warmed did he realize just how little Mello wore.

He pulled away as quick as he could, cheeks flushed, as Mello mumbled an apology almost too silent to hear. Matt hurried into the bathroom and gently shut the door. His heart beat wildly in his chest and his mind kept replaying the incident.

He turned the faucet on and quickly splashed his face with cold water. The feeling of how soft Mello's skin had felt underneath his fingertips went straight to his head and wouldn’t go away.

Literally.

It was going to be a long night.

-End Choices-

AN: Yeah..... I had some issues with this chapter, seems to be happening more frequently too. *sigh* This chapter and 13 are actually my least favorite chapters in the fic, which out of 24 chapters and climbing is saying something. (and this is version 2 of chapter 12... eh.....)

*shrug*

So, other than that… how was this?