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My Sun, My Supernova	By : ditchgospel Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 3283 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 15

Rebirth

Inside the temple, death is everywhere. Sanzo is barely aware of it, so
distraught has he become. Goku lies still, at rest and recovering, and the hours
pass slowly as the dawn of a new day approaches.

As Sanzo sits with the demon, humming to him softly and stroking his wild
hair, all the while his thoughts become more and more jumbled. A terrible
restlessness gradually rises as his distress grows more acute. Eventually, he
stands, pacing the room and muttering to himself incoherently, casting troubled,
suspicious glances at his fallen companion.

His fragile reality is beginning to tear apart at the seams, and the
resulting internal turmoil is intolerable. Unable to contain his growing sense
of unease any longer, he falls to his knees, screaming and pulling at his hair
with desperate fingers. Finally he collapses to the floor, curling up into
himself and whimpering softly.

His world is breaking apart, and all because of his suspicions about the
motives for Goku's actions. He suspects that his perfect Goku has sacrificed
perfection for the sake of another creature, for his sake. The very idea
is absolutely beyond belief in Sanzo's mind, as if Heaven were falling to earth
before his very eyes.

As for Goku, his world has become shaky as well. Memories or thoughts will
resurface in his mind for a moment, only to vanish in the next, and he is unable
to grasp them. He feels like he should be able to, and he wants to, but they are
too complex, to ethereal, and they seem to be always just out of reach.
Desperate for something to hold onto instead, something tangible, he turns to
Sanzo's presence, because that at least is one thing that is real, and it
comforts him.

Sanzo and Goku have effectively become mental time bombs, each struggling to
hold onto some semblance of stability in a world that now feels as if it's
breaking apart all around them, approaching an irreparable explosion.

Unable to withstand the pressure any longer, Sanzo rises to his knees and
crawls over to Goku. Goku responds with a faint, choked gurgle as Sanzo lays a
gentle hand upon his cheek

"Goku, listen, listen. I know what I have to do now. It's the only
way, Goku, the only way. I will release you for real, and finally you
will be free at last. I won't let you live like this, I won't. Oh, my little
Goku, I'm so sorry you can't stay with me, but it's best this way, you'll see,
you'll see."

He quietly rests his forehead against Goku's for a moment, and then gets to
his feet. With a determined step, he fetches his gun from where it lies, and
returns to kneel again at Goku's side.

Slowly, gently, he presses the muzzle of the gun against Goku's head, and
whispers a final, fatal farewell.

"I'll take your pain away now, my poor little Goku. I only wanted you to be
free, but it didn't work, did it? But I can still help you... I can still set you
free. It's so easy, just like this..."

His finger begins to press the trigger, but suddenly he pauses.

Time passes, and his hand begins to tremble as it holds the gun. He tries to
force himself to shoot, but he finds he cannot. More time passes. His arm begins
to shake, and before long his entire body is trembling with the effort of his
internal struggle. Finally, with a cry of frustration, he raises the gun and
fires the bullets out into empty space, one by one in rapid succession. Silence
then, until, once more, the somber temple walls are forced to endure the sound of
pain, as he just tilts back his head and screams. Long and hard he
screams, until his throat is raw, until he no longer has any breath remaining,
until he finally allows himself to slump across Goku's body, tears streaking his
face.

"No, no, nonononono, why, why, why can't I release you, why? Goku, I...I
can't do it... the pain... the pain won't let me, Goku, the pain. I feel it;
I feel it inside, because... if I set you free, then... I'll be alone, won't
I? I don't want you to leave me. Oh, Goku, it hurts. Why? I thought... I
thought I was free, I thought I had washed the pain away, washed it all away
forever. But you, because of you..."

Slowly he raises himself up again, to look deep into Goku's feral eyes.

"It's all because of you, Goku. You did this to me, didn't you?
You put this pain inside of me, you hurt me. You are not perfect,
Goku. You are not. And because of you... neither am I."

XXX

Barely even aware of his own actions, but filled with the sudden desire to
escape, to get far away and use distance to break the link between Goku and
himself, Sanzo gathers his things, reloads his gun, and heads out alone into the
early morning light. As he walks, his resolve gradually begins to fall apart,
and delirious confusion envelopes his mind.

Left behind in the temple, Goku comes to realize that the one thing he was
trying to hold onto has just abandoned him. Anxiety unsettles him. Eventually,
anxiety becomes agitation, and agitation becomes anger. After a time, he urges
himself to his feet, and begins following Sanzo's trail in order to catch up
with his wayward mate.

XXX

When Hakkai and Gojyo arrive at the temple, the first thing they notice as
they approach is that the door has been busted in by force. This in itself is
alarming, but once inside, they are silently stunned by the extent of violence
that the gruesome scene represents. Grimly, the words fall from Gojyo's
lips.

"This definitely has Goku's name written all over it."

As they make their way through the room, Hakkai's attention is caught by
something on the ground. He grabs Gojyo's sleeve, and the other man turns.

"Gojyo, look. Bullet casings. Do you suppose..."

"Sanzo? But how? Goku should have turned him to mince meat along with the
rest of the poor buggers in here."

"But yet, for some reason, it would seem that Goku hasn't killed
him."

There is a strong note of hope in his voice, and it doesn't go unnoticed by
Gojyo.

"Hakkai, in the end it doesn't matter one way or the other. We know what we gotta do. Anyway, this didn't happen all that long ago. Whatever Sanzo's up
to, if he's even still alive, if he's in cahoots with Goku or whatever, we
should be able to catch up to them, since they seem to be following this same
route. I say let's pick up the pace, get this thing over with before they do any
more damage."

Hakkai nods sadly, even while conjuring up a smile.

"Let's go then, shall we?"

XXX

As Sanzo's trek continues, he becomes more and more desperate. His originally
intended destination is almost entirely forgotten, his thoughts nearly panicky.
His foot hits a rock on the track, and he trips and falls, crying out in
surprise. He laughs at the sight of the blood on his scratched palm.

"No, blood doesn't work. Nothing works, nothing. Only... have to get away..."

He staggers to his feet, stumbling wearily onward, until the sound of a
familiar growl stops him dead in his tracks.

He turns, and is faced with Goku's angry eyes. For the first time, he feels
fear in Goku's presence. Sanzo begins to back away from the demon, shaking his
head in denial and refusal, panic clutching brutally at his heart and
restricting his ability to breath. He is not so much afraid of Goku, as he is
afraid of how Goku is making him feel, afraid of the threat that Goku has come
to represent to his distorted reality.

Previously, Goku had been perceived by Sanzo as a perfect being, a pure and
god-like creature deserving of praise and blind devotion. Now, however, he has
instead come to represent a mere illusion of perfection that has somehow
concealed the truth, deceiving him while leading him down a path whose ultimate
destination is only a constricting net of endless pain. He must escape this
dangerous illusion, before it once again lures him in, injecting its poison deep
inside his soul to work at melting the wonderful numbness his heart has
found.

He must get away from Goku, now, before it is too late, before his
heart melts completely.

Goku, through his muddled confusion, is aware that Sanzo is trying to leave
him, and for the first time, he senses fear in his mate. For the first time, the
heartbeat he has come to treasure no longer sings to him as it once did. Anger
stirs within him. That heartbeat, Sanzo's heartbeat, it belongs to him.
How dare his own mate try to take it from him now? How dare he attempt to deny
him the connection he so desires? Suddenly, he lunges at Sanzo, knocking him
roughly to the ground.

Pinned forcefully to the earth beneath Goku's body, Sanzo goes rigid with
fear, and he is unable, unwilling, to look into those mesmerizing golden
orbs. He does not want to become caught again within those beautiful, terrible,
hypnotic eyes that he is trying so hard to escape from. Whimpering in protest,
he shuts his own eyes tightly to block out the world, but it refuses to go away,
it refuses, and all Sanzo can do is scream, and scream, and
scream.

Goku reacts by sinking his teeth into his panic-stricken mate's throat,
hoping to calm him in the only way he knows how. Sanzo does relax, almost
immediately, as a new thought is triggered in his mind, a soothing thought that
eases his fear and gives him hope. If only Goku will take his life, then that
will prove that the creature's heart is still free, after all. He will be able to
redeem himself, to keep his perfection, and everything will be all right.
Everything will be fine.

Sanzo's breathing settles and his racing heart slows its pace. Goku's teeth
remain embedded in his throat. Sanzo reaches out, resting his hands upon Goku's
head.

"Goku... please help me, my Goku. I thought we were finally free... but you
hurt me, Goku, you hurt me. You can still... make it right. Just...
release me... please..."

Sanzo pushes down on Goku's head, trying to get him to deepen the bite.

"Please set me free."

Warm blood wells up in Goku's mouth, and he swallows it down, savouring the
taste of his mate's life essence. The bite seems to be having the desired effect
of easing the panicky creature, quieting him so that now he is not screaming but
speaking softly in that voice that Goku has come to crave. Sanzo tilts back his
head, causing the demon's teeth to shift in his flesh, and breaths a sigh of
relief when Goku adjusts his hold on his throat, sinking deeper, and some blood
is allowed to escape. Sanzo wants this, Goku can feel it, but...

Goku always knows the limit of how far he can go, of how deep he can take it;
he knows just how much damage Sanzo can withstand without it causing any real
harm. And Sanzo always wants it. Never before has Sanzo denied him, by trying to
get away from him, to leave him behind. Goku wants to punish his mate this time,
just a little, to let Sanzo know that he won't just let him abandon him. Sanzo
belongs to him; he has no right to leave him like he did. As his bite increases
in depth and pressure, Sanzo relaxes even more, and the pain inside begins to be
forgotten.

All too soon, Goku loosens his hold, and withdraws his attack. He feels
better now, his anger satisfied, and he begins to lap up the steady flow of
blood from the wound.

Sanzo's heart sinks. Goku has forsaken him yet again. Goku is not
perfect, and... and neither is he.

As the realization settles in, the urge to escape is stilled. There can be no
more denying the ugly truth. Instead, acceptance washes over Sanzo in a cold,
harsh wave, and when the initial shock passes, nothing is left remaining but
certainty. This certainty is equally cold, but so very, very calm and crystal
clear.

"Goku, I'm sorry. I was wrong. In the end, there is no such thing as...
perfection. There is always only pain. I can't... even release you, because it
hurts. And you won't help me, because it hurts you, too, doesn't it? There's only one
way left, but you can't come with me this time, Goku. I'm sorry."

With these words, he places one hand upon Goku's brow, and, amidst a burst of
golden light, Goku's coronet is restored to him, as is his human form. He falls
forward, his head resting under Sanzo's chin.

Sanzo calls Goku's name, softly and repeatedly, until his voice finally
reaches the boy, who dazedly lifts his head.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo smiles faintly.

"Goku. I wanted you to know... that I was wrong, all this time I was wrong. I
thought... I thought we could be free together, but... it didn't work.
Nothing worked, and there's only one path left now."

Goku struggles through a haze of confusion to sort out where he is and what's
happening. The last thing he can remember clearly is...

But Sanzo is here now, and he's trying to tell him something, isn't he? What
is he saying? Goku focuses on the sound of Sanzo's voice, letting it pull him
out of the fog that his mind is floating in, concentrating, listening as if his
life depends on it, as if Sanzo's life depends on it.

So intent is he on this voice, that he does not even hear the arrival of the
jeep. He does not even hear Gojyo and Hakkai calling out to him.

All he hears are Sanzo's last words to him, as the man aims his gun at his
own chest.

"Goku... perhaps... death is the only way, after all. My freedom, my final
release."

The meaning of the words still escapes Goku, but he has the vague sense that
something is wrong, very wrong.

"Goodbye, my little monkey. I hope you find... your own way."

With a bang of finality, the gun goes off.

As the blood, wet and red, spreads across Sanzo's chest, Goku comes back to
himself a little, and part of him understands.

"Sanzo?"

The world comes rushing back, though still distant and out of focus. Dimly,
he becomes aware that Hakkai and Gojyo are there at his side.

"Hak... kai? Sanzo... hurts... too much... red...pain..."

Something comes over Hakkai, then, a sudden impulse, and he doesn't stop to
second-guess it. He just reacts, ignoring Gojyo's half-hearted words of
reason.

"Hakkai, it's over. Let it be. You can't..."

Too late. Hakkai already has his hands over Sanzo's wound, the healing energy
doing its work.

Despite everything, Gojyo lets himself hope.

The terrible wound is closed, but the shock to the body is too great.
Sanzo's heart has not started to beat again. He is dying, slipping away, and
then...

He is gone.

XXX

Heaven, five hundred years ago.

Konzen Douji has been troubled by dreams. In these dreams, he sees himself,
only somehow it isn't really himself that he sees. This strange dream world
where this image of his own self lives, it seems so real, and it frightens
him.

At the moment, he is not asleep, but he is still frightened, although the
reason has nothing to do with any dream. At the moment, the dreams are
forgotten, and he is more awake then he has ever been before.

Now, he is frightened because he is about to die.

Pandemonium swirls around him in a chaotic sea of commotion and violence. All
he can do is watch, horrified, as Tenpou and Kenren are cut down before his very
eyes.

He has never seen so much blood. He has never seen death. Heaven is ancient
and gods immortal, and Konzen Douji is afraid of death.

Even more than of death, he is afraid because Goku is being taken from him,
taken from him, and all he can do is scream the boy's name over and over,
even as he is forced to his knees. Still he calls to Goku, desperate, afraid,
calling as if his voice were a lifeline, and he is struggling to make it
reach.

But the sword descends, despite his efforts, and the name is cut from his
throat and washed away with a fountain of blood.

He has died, and what's worse, he has left Goku alone...

Konzen's soul, now banished from its body, exiled from heaven, floats away
into a world of darkness. Here it drifts, suspended, just waiting, waiting...

Until...

XXX

Hakkai wastes no time. He pushes Goku out of the way, and Gojyo helps by
taking the boy into his arms. Resorting to traditional first aid techniques,
Hakkai works desperately to restore Sanzo's breathing and heartbeat.
Finally...

Sanzo's heart jumps, and he takes a gasping breath of air into his lungs.
Life is restored. Sanzo's soul, which was beginning to drift away, comes rushing
back to find his body again, except that something isn't right. Although death
has cured the sickness that has so twisted his soul, the damage has already been
done, and cannot be erased. The result is that something else is erased instead,
and the crimson chakra upon his brow, the mark of one chosen by the gods,
quietly fades away.

Something else is wrong as well. His soul is not alone.

For at the moment of Sanzo's rebirth, something happens in that dark place
where, as Konzen, his soul is drifting. With a violent jolt, it is torn from its
sleep, and ripped into a place and time it was never intended to go. The entire
soul of the universe is jolted along with it, because this was never supposed to
happen, should not be able to happen.

The earth has only ever had one sun, and Konzen Douji and Genjo Sanzo were
never meant to co-exist.
- 14
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- 16
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My Sun, My Supernova