This is the life

Matt sat in the hideout he often had gone to as a child, when he had had a fight with Mello. Beside him there was his injection equipment, the candle and a bag with the rest of the white powder Mike had sold him. 2 grams of pure heroin- more than enough to get a fatal shot. But for some reason he hesitated. So he remained sat and stared at the cold concrete wall. Still he was sure that this last step was what he had to do, what was the best for everyone, especially for Mello. He didn’t want to hurt the blonde ever again.
Again and again he could see the image of Mello in his head, how disappointed and hurt he had looked at him. “I’m so sorry, Mello…”, he whispered.

Mello had a vague idea where Matt may have been gone. Earlier when they still were children he had followed him once after a fight, and had seen how Matt had hidden between some trees and a wall.
Mello told Mary where to go and she took him there, but then Mello asked to go the last steps of the way by himself. Although he wasn’t too fast with his wheel chair he wanted to do this alone, To clarify everything… If he wasn’t too late.


Matt grabbed his spoon and put the powder in it. He trembled and felt cold and he wasn’t sure whether it was yet again due to physical addiction and thus for withdrawal, or just because the mornings were too cold. But it didn’t matter. In a few minutes everything would be over anyway.
“Matt, no!”
Frightened Matt let the spoon fall to the ground and turned around. Mello sat behind the trees due to the fact he couldn’t move any further because it was too wide. Now he pushed himself from the vehicle and fell to Matt, who barely could catch him. Then he hung in Matt's arms, buried his face in his neck and wept. “Don’t do this, Matty, please…”
Matt fell to his knees with Mello in his arms and caressed the blonde hair carefully. He couldn’t bear to see his boyfriend crying.
Then suddenly everything went really fast. Suddenly Mello pushed Matt away and flogged him with fists. “You goddamned fuckin idiot! You’ve promised to stay with me, you’ve promised to stop that shit and that you’d stay with me forever and there you go and want to leave me alone forever!”
Matt didn’t even attempt to oppose the punches although many of them met his face. “You promised, Matt! How can you dare to think of leaving me all alone here, fuckin’ coward?!” The longer Mello railed the more turned his screams into sobs until he finally fell back to Matt’s chest and cried.
“Why are you doing this to me? I need you, but you…”
Matt whose upper body and face hurt from the blows and in some places bled, whispered: “I’ve thought you couldn’t love me anymore if I… Because I lied to you and…”
“You fuckin’ idiot…”, Mello sobbed quietly. “I’ll always love you…”
He pressed himself stronger against the redhead who sat there and didn’t know what to do now any longer.

Mary had heard Matt’s voice and felt calmed. First, she had wanted to run to them but then pondered differently. Certainly they needed some time for themselves. When she heard then how Mello cried on his boyfriend, she knew she had been right.
She felt like she could fly, so happy about being there in time.
She waited one hour until she entered the hideout.
Mello had fallen asleep in Matt’s arms, totally exhausted.
Mary looked into the eyes of the redhead who had a bleeding nose and a slowly swelling eye. He returned her gaze a little anxious.
“Mail..”, she said quietly.
“He’s asleep…” he whispered back. Mary nodded and asked then : “Will you come home with us?”
Matt swallowed. “If you… If I’m allowed to…”

Mary carried the blonde to the hospital room, put him into bed and covered him. Then she went back to Matt who sat in the kitchen.
“You’ve really frightened us, Mail.”
Matt lowered his gaze.
“I’m sorry, Ma’m…”
“But I’m glad you’re back here again. And I… I want to apologize, I shouldn’t have done this yesterday, you would have needed help instead of…”
But Matt shook his head. “You were right…”, he said quietly.
For a long time it was silent in the room. The only thing to be heard was the loud ticking of the clock.

“Then Matt broke the silence. “Will you… I mean… Will you punish me?”
Mary looked at him surprised as if he had just asked her whether she was an alien.
Then she asked: “How… How do you get this idea?”
Matt took a deep breath before answering: “Because I deserve it…”
The Italian needed a moment for herself to reflect. On one hand she was too glad now they had found Matt in time, even if he was right, there were some children who knew too well how one was punished if they ran away. Yet on the other hand she had the feeling, Matt just wanted to feel no longer guilty.
Finally she said: “I’ll talk with Mihael about it, ok?”
Matt nodded slowly. “May I go to him?”
Mary had to re-think. But then she came to the conclusion it was better for Mello if Matt was with him when he woke up, so she nodded.

Matt quickly washed his face in the sink, before he went to the hospital room and sat down next to Mello on the bed.
Mello blinked.
“Oh… I… I didn’t want to wake you up…”, Matt said, but Mello shook his head. “I’m glad you’re here… And it… I’m sorry I’ve beaten you up…”
Matt swallowed. “Don’t care about it… Mel… I’ve… I’ve deserved it. All of it and more, I am so sorry…”
“I know… I… I love you, Matt… Please, please don’t do anything like this ever again… I was so afraid…”
“Mel, I… I’ve really built crap…”
“Wanna talk about it? I think you… You meant it when you promised you won’t get on drugs anymore, so… Why…?”
Matt took his hand and slowly began to tell him the whole story.