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Heh Killua	By : Dadou Category: +G to L > Hunter x Hunter Views: 4595 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Hunter x Hunter, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money for the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Hi guys! here is me updating a new chapter :) I'm sorry if from now on I take longer, it's just I'm working so hard, while studying for college, to pay rent, I'm always tired! x.x Tell me if you like it!

Tell me of a bipolar chapter.

Warning: angst

Chapter 15: x Ringing x

I think that you might want to know

The details and the facts

But there's something in my blood

Denies the memory of the acts

So just forget it Doc.

I think it's really

Cool that you're concerned

But we'll have to try again

After the silence has returned

Cause blood makes noise...

It's a ringing in my ears

And I can't really hear you

In the thickening of fear

Yes blood makes noise

ringing in my ears

and I can't really hear you

in the thickening of fear

Suzanne Vega

"What Is This"

Pausing dramatically in each word. And maybe his blue eyes had popped out a little.

Let's take it from the top. The doctor didn't like foggy cold chilly weather, Killua knew that. Besides he'd already been slightly angered when he learned the fact he'd been carelessly training – and in doctor's words straining-himself.

Words like that made him smirk.

"Why would you do that? your wound can reopen its deep!" The doctor had said when he'd been solemnly informed.

"well, you see about that…"

And then he'd been sitting in the bed, much as he'd been days ago at the first medical checkup. Only that back then he'd been spared of consciousness at the actual procedure. Now he had to overcome his old paranoia.

Leorio stood there, in grave silence. Second guessing the doctor- who probably did not knowing how to phrase the following yet again - he'd taken off his shirt slowly, avoiding eye contact.

This show would soon be over.

He didn't blame Leorio for the expression. He himself reckoned the word pretty didn't form part of the description. Charred skin replaced the deep gash that throbbed in an insisting beat underneath. It fevered his side. A closer look told of dark rawness mixed with melted stitches into the wound. Yup, not nice. But otherwise he was healthy, no?

"How?" Leorio sighed

Killua just lit some sparks on his open palm as an answer with a sheepish smile. The ones he gave to the ice cream lady to get sprinkles for free.

Leorio hadn't been a doctor for long but he'd seen all types of wounds, more bizarre and ugly in his college practice. He just didn't stand the thought of them happening out of carelessness.

"Why" he said impatiently

"Sorry for being…"

"Irresponsible, yeah it's clear you're sorry." He said harshly. "So?"

"Dude, don't be like that, I was training and it started bleeding, and I panicked" He shrugged.

Leorio rolled his eyes. That was what happened when you taught Nen to underage teens.

"But after that fatality-fever the other day, now I really know I can ask for your help" he beamed.

Manipulative bastard.

"There's no way this is not going to leave a scar now" The doctor growled "And the procedure is going to be tedious and painful for you. I've got to take those melted stitches out one by one with surgical tweezers" he took a closer look at the wound. Killua felt the slight discomfort while raising an amused eyebrow.

"Or whatever is left of them. Go roll over" Leorio turned to his suitcase resigned. "This could all have been avoided you know, had you listened me..."

"Ok Pops"

Leorio hid a small smile. Secretly he felt like an elder brother. He liked being of help to Killua, kind of taking care of the siblings he never had.

Killua looked at his hands over his jeans.

Roll over

He knew he felt conscious of his own breathing system. He wasn't going to like this. He just wasn't. And he would have to embrace the fact. Somehow he'd been hoping for an ointment and be done, closed deal.

He sighed. If that morning he hadn't had that fever, he would have stitched himself up on his own, it's not like he hadn't done it before.

He had a hunch though, that melted stitches were a different matter...sheesh

Once he'd stitched up Gon. They'd been at Celestial Tower fighting to the top together. They didn't even know about Nen yet.

It hadn't been two weeks since the guys had gone to the Zoldick mansion to retrieve Killua. He personally didn't get it, nor did he know yet how to place that in his personal history. But he was having fun. He was getting to know Gon even better by day. He was getting the hang of that friendship thing. And it was so cool.

Gon won against his opponent-the triumphant megaphones in all floors declared as they rang new brutal records earned by the kid. But that wasn't heard by the boys. He had this nasty deep cut on his palm when he left the ring that kept and kept bleeding.

"I have to stitch you" the nurse of the 150th floor had said.

Gon's eyes were huge. Was he scared? No it was more like he'd seen a dinosaur or something.

Killua laughed "Why the face! You've never been stitched up before?" Oh this was hilarious. So the kid in the woods was not that wild.

"Yes!" said Gon defensively and accused "Many times!" but then he lowered his voices"...But only by Mitosan"

"Oh but we'll be extra careful" the nurse had assured him through Killua's burst of laughter.

Who could say this guy wasn't funny! He went for Hisoka, and danger-and liked it- but now bore that expression-

But Gon had suddenly looked at Killua with determination. Silencing him.

"What" Killua had replied suspicious.

"You do it"

"What?"

"You were a killer!"- Cause he'd never minded saying that out loud, despite the general reaction of people standing near –"You certainly have done that before!" he said waving the injured hand which was distracting.

"No way" He suddenly felt like a deer in front of car lights, at those eyes.

"Why?"

"No, no and no"

"You haven't done it before?" Gon asked genuinely

"A thousands of times! But on myself! I'm not about to stitch you up!"

"Please!"

"No"

"Killua please!" he said desperate.

The nurse oblivious to the dialogue took Gon's hand but he snapped it out and looked at Killua again. "Pretty please!" he begged.

As they aged Gon had learned to stitch himself up-he'd had to do so countless of times and in truth he didn't care. But that expression somehow stuck into his retina on years to come. Those eyes.

Greed Island, with that match and that volley ball that Killua and no one else could hold, it was all over the you and no one else I trust- he sometimes liked to imagine...

"Killuaaaaaaaa"

Leorio called.

He'd been sitting still, looking at nothing in particular.

He sighed. He'd asked for this. An infection to the wound would only mean one more complication to solve. Life only consisted of this stupid setbacks and idiot burocratic procedures one needed to do to pass the day. Like eating. Staying alive. BO-RING.

"Killua… I'm going to need you to rest on your back. I think I'll be able to see better."

"...Thanks for helping me again"

The doctor sighed a half smile. "You're not welcome. I'll check the others too, all right?"

At the pale youngster's expression he added "Don't worry, it won't take long" He'd tried to sound reassuring.

Killua erased all expression in his face and shrugged... Feeling shirtless, he nodded and slumped over the bed with indifference. He seemed... and Leorio's heart leaped at the realization... lifeless with that kind of eyes. It flashed his mind, the wondering if the boy bore that same expression when killing.

He approached, and sat at the side, taking one of his arms, and adjusting his lenses. Killua seemed absent.

He'd learned not to ask the boy. He'd tried already too many times without success in the past days. He just tried to keep repeating himself he was checking a professional hunter, not a teen, he shouldn't be surprised.

He checked how the contusions in Killua's arms where evolving, then the bruised ribs that would probably hurt him for some weeks… (sit and breathe. Good. Breathe again slowly. Mmmm… okay, now let me see the wound at your back... mmmm.) Many of the bruises where gone or in the process of fading out, because that is what Nen does. Now the cuts in the front and back of Killua still looked ominous even though the scarring meant they'd begun to heal.

He checked the gash now more attentively.

Killua shifted. He hated the feeling of the hands on his side. But again he still wondered why Leorio was willing to help him. Well, he probably wanted something back but he still couldn't figure out what. Leorio was first examining to decide where to apply local anesthesia which was a bit stupid if you thought whom where you talking to. Killua looked away, uninterested in the morbid view.

"Now I'll use the tweezers ok?"

Killua nodded and thanked in his monotone.

The feeling was weird- that of having the skin at his side now numb and pain-free as the substance applied worked its way in his blood stream. And yet he was able to feel the pressure of Leorio's fingers, and the pulsing fever at the wound.

Sensations devoid of pain.

It just made it the slightest bit obnoxious- pain sometimes helped his concentration. Lack of pain augmented in a weird way other. Like when you touch your leg when it's asleep or your cheek after going to the dentist.

He knew he didn't care that much about whatever they did to that body- whether good or bad, that something that served so many purposes. He was shuffling other thoughts instead. Why…why was he letting this happen. The question he asked himself over and over.

-Leorio took the first stitch-

Gon, would Gon know? ...The voices in his head, the ones that acknowledged the factor in the equation of what had happened... -cause in all other fields that had been and was unreal for utilitarian purposes - well, those voices now began lashing in haunting echoes, as he knew they would. He realized he was not sure this situation itself was happening at all. But that would drive him insane. Focus.

Again that detached awareness of his body. A draggled body, the exposed skin, the known feeling of being marred. Those weren't good thoughts. Unfocus then.

But with nothing but the white ceiling as an entertainment he felt the familiar seeping up of the of known guilt- some type of guilt- he knew so many kinds of guilt- quite real, quite there, drenching his mind with the known facts- he'd caused already so much trouble, at yeah, not being able to care on his own and being the one at fault, involving others, involving Gon, he'd caused this, he'd caused all this-

He shifted, with now a firm purpose to deviate his thoughts. Guilt wasn't useful or productive in anyway unless he found a solution. But there was nothing else there but the empty ceiling that mirrored the weight of his knowledge, the threat, the strength of the shame, the not being as strong as to stop it all- and then- Then..

Another stitch.

With a capital Then, he'd admitted a long time ago that what overwhelmed him utmostlly was... fear... At times incapacitating which was worrisome and therefore the object of the present analysis. Palpitating near his chest. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear... Gon...

It paralyzed him. It terrified him. Another stitch and he was about to ask Leorio to sing, as he did when in the shower, yes, yes, so out of pitch it came out funny (do not think, do not think). Or hey, talk about chicks, what's up with them, stop the voices in that crowded mind he owned and talk as you usually do pal. But the doctor was silent. And concentrated.

The fact that Gon could not know. He could never know. He would never know. And now himself, a step closer to that horrible edge….. of him knowing. No. he pulled the hand break. And he realized detachedly his thoughts had gone from stumbling slowly to racing, racing, cause most important of all... if Leorio knew, if Leorio knew, knew, knew...Gon could be in danger.

He felt his breath had quickened a little, his pulse a little higher. Because there was certain lack of air in that room.

Those trifles, though, he could control. Not unlike those old men who ate too much salt and had heart failures, the painful gnaw inside his chest wasn't a surprise but lodged in. The problem was as usual his head. He looked at the ceiling trying to empty his mind.

He usually never failed personal endeavors, only that one. Emptying his mind. Of course it was always a new day to try, that's what people told you.

He breathed. Empty your mind: the useless endeavor of the Marred. Guilt. Knowledge. Shame. Threat. Fear...Marred. Guilt. Knowledge. Shame. Threat. Fear...Fear...Fear...

He needed Gon right now to distract him… he longed to go outside. Or to play a videogame. Because it was like being in a hospital wait room, in that state where you can do nothing but wait for answers, while he observed his body being touched, watch and wait, watch and wait, watch and wait. Not one action of his could alleviate the situation, nor the waiting would grow any shorter to redeem the existence of his thoughts...Only certain person could save him from brooding and it was nowhere to be seen.

Leorio was taking, with utmost care, one by one each of the blots of melted plastic stuck to burnt skin that ended in a stitch into the wound. Like doing the work of an artisan, with precision and pulling as slowly as he could manage.

"Don't shift" he reprimanded for the sixth time. He'd pulled the night table's lamp to get a better view.

His breath had stopped when he'd dabbed with iodine the cut on his belly. Now Leorio, with cotton dipped in antiseptic, was dabbing the gash, trailing down. It felt extremely unpleasant, burning on the deeper levels. As if to shake it away he closed his eyes, but sensations crept on him, at the rhythm of his own cursed thoughts. The cotton stick dabbing, a hand placed on his side where hands had traveled down, yes they had. Suddenly the actual awareness of Leorio's hands working and images, they all jumbled without warning-nails on skin, blood and laughter-

"What would Gon say"

He sat quickly in the bed.

His heart at his throat... For a second he'd seen those eyes, he'd heard that voice...

He closed his eyes.

No, He could control this. He wasn't there, of course. He breathed again. Feeling young and stupid. Ok. Better... Stupid head-

Leorio obviously had stopped at the sudden movement.

"Killua? What happened? Does it hurt?" Leorio apologized

"No sorry. Ah..." Killua exhaled and smiled forcedly "Ok, continue" he leaned on his back again slowly. Determined to stand the lame simple procedure and not make Leorio any jumpier.

"You're sure? I can apply more anesthesia"

"Neh, it's ok"

Leorio, still hesitating, restarted. He cleaned a drop of blood that was sipping from the stitches he'd successfully taken away. Then he applied surgical adhesive, no longer trusting stitches.

... He was tracing the gash down where it stopped at the hem of his pants. Killua tried not to close his eyes this time, staring at the ceiling… but he could feel Leorio's hand at his belly holding the antiseptic. He hated it. The dead weight against his navel.

Focus. On how the bottom of the bottle was cold against his skin. And hands…hands placing round his waist -"you like it"

Ugh- internal wince. He tensed- not move- not to interfere with Leorio's work- get a grip of yourself.

Get a grip. It was an order.

The cotton was wiping away the blood he told himself. He felt his own hands covered in a perspiration film. His breath had become a bit more anxious. Leorio, noticing-of course he would- had continued with more care. He focused on the antiseptic bottle. But Leorio placed it now over the bed to make him more comfortable -he probably thought the wound hurt him. Right. It was now balanced near his hip…

Focus on the details like the small words in the bottle, do not think on how Leorio's hands - reaching the cut's end drawing down-And then carelessly resting on the hem of his pants- ugh- the slight pressure at the skin on his navel-He shut tight his eyes to avoid it, but the piercing dread-

"Not since I took you for the first tim-"

Killua jolted.

Making a mess- he tumbled the antiseptic bottle, which spilled over his navel, the bed, while his mind rang danger- it wouldn't stop and its wetness like the blood everywhere, on his back, blood. And in front of his eyes, images crashed: the glint of metal-pocket knife-beg-no-beg-yank hair – no! he clasped the sheets at his side- Leorio quickly cleaned the mess, a hand to his navel- hand- hovering over him– eyes shut tight –and the ringing laughter-"After all, you were the one that came here like a dog. Just like my beloved little puppet"

He pushed fiercely the doctor away and he retreated away away away as the images violently hit him-Dark laughter-system shutdown, hands -close the chapter, Killua- he'd closed his eyes tight shut, to shut it out- the "Don't what? Don't stop little brother?" at his neck-unzipping of pants- no! jagged images and someone calling him -And panting, his head kept down not to breathe, BEG-No-beg-yank-hair no- He tried to breathe but couldn't-images images- The slicing words and Gon- "Things you won't be able to undo" stop! but it wouldn't Killua was he screaming? Breathe, close it! close it! someone has been calling his name, stop! please stop! he was fighting someone, or he was being gagged cause he was not breathing he was dirty- those hands to his chest and waist and danger – Leorio was shaking him, images-voices-the dark laughter ringing-his laughter-his-his-his - Leorio shaking him Killua! He opened his eyes wildly- in the threshold of that dark room, and then someone adjusting the volume-

"Killuaa! ! !"

Killuaaa...

"Listen to me! Killua! Listen! ! !" Leorio was shaking him hard."Killua! Breathe!"

And Killua registered he was in the room and not breathing, a strange wail from his own closed throat-

"Breathe, please breathe!"

Not breathing.

He had to go through the mechanical steps- open mouth- gasping air. His lungs were hurting painfully. Dread closed his throat painfully tight. The dark laughter ringed and ringed- his-

"Breathe again!" he was failing. He couldn't breathe. He felt all going hazy, he heard his words, hissed words- hands clutching his throat-

Leorio insisted "Don't stop looking at me. Now breathe!"

But he couldn't- into the dark room again with shut eyes to hand-sob-hiss-pain he pushed Leorio with anger again, stay faraway, but this one wouldn't let go and the horror clawing his lungs- And suddenly Leorio's voice again zooming in.

"Don't close your eyes Killua!" Leorio ordered firm. Killua opened them, hanging from his words like a safe line- air -air-air-air-air-air-

"Keep them open" It was an order. He obeyed. "Now breathe" he tried to breathe. Little air reached him across the ringing laughter-

"Killua, listen. You are here. Everything is ok. Now try it again" Leorio said in a calmed paused tone.

That tone. He was trying to get through- Killua registered this through the roar. But he wasn't able, to un-clutch his throat, he couldn't-he couldn't- He shook his head not to hear it again, ever again-

"Ok look at the bedspread. Focus on its colors, what colors are they? Tell me"

He tried to grasp reality without air on his lungs. He really did put the effort and try, Leorio still held his shoulders. He looked at the bedspread and tried to focus- and inhale- and make his tensing jaw and tight throat choke out words.

Focus.

"bl…bl-blue… blue…blue-…." His words were hitched " a -and...and-wh-white" he swallowed air painfully.

"come on, stutter dwarf that's not white, what is it?" Leorio said gently. Killua shook his head.

"...ye-yellow"

"good, so blue and yellow. What other colors? I see more"

Killua focused.

"bl-blue... gr.-e-e-e…..gre...een..." he struggled, a strangled gasp "r ...re-red... red...ye-ye...llo-ow..."

"Good. Don't move stutter dwarf"

Leorio then in a rapid move grabbed his suitcase and flung it open. Leaving one of his hands on his shoulder to keep him steady. The boy's own hand was clawed up. He was shaking, rapid breaths hitching his chest so fast it didn't rise at all.

Leorio faced him again concentrated. He was trying to avoid using his suitcase though. But the boy still was not breathing.

"breathe"

He'd forgotten again. Mechanical steps. Open mouth. Inhale. Strangled throat not letting him. He just settled in short rapid gasps and swallowing air. It was hard work. As if the muscles in his throat were cramped.

"That's it... breathe..."

There was silence...only his labored breathing.

"good..."

Minutes carried on with him just focused on Leorio's tie while breathing, breathing, somehow the effort consuming all his attention, even deafening the loudest super-ego to just breathe, breathe, breathe.

Leorio's eyes kept clinical all the time. Safety anchor to reality, yes, where words, damned words continued to play shadows.

But as the seconds ticked, some of the fear finally did seep up his expression darkly.

"Are... you better?" The doctor whispered.

There was a silence only cut by his gasps. Killua could not dare to face Leorio now so he nodded. He still could not breathe properly. His breath was still hitched and felt totally out of his control his lungs hurting.

What had happened. What had happened. What the fuck had happened.

"Leorio…I'm...sorry…" his breath caught with him. Explain-he-had-to-but-could-not.

He stopped and tried to start again

"I'm so-sorry, I'm sorry... I'm I... I... c...aan't- I-just- can't do this, n...n-not...I had not-t pla...nned that you...you would-you would" his breath caught with images and jumbled incoherent thoughts as Leorio shushed him "Gon can ne-never know... I can't d…I can't do….this right now, Gon ca...nt" He tried to catch the air, but he couldn't, closing, closing his air vents.

He gasped for air and he could not breathe-stupid body breathe- Air, air, needing air and breathing faster "-can't". Leorio looked again at his suitcase with one hand as he steadied Killua.

"don't talk, just breathe Killu, stay there"

But he couldn't, there the knot in his throat impeded him from breathing. He shook his head "can't-can't…" Hilarious no? Spots danced in front of his eyes and and wouldn't he rejoice seeing him like this weak- air-air-air-air-air.

Leorio rushed as he calculated swiftly, riskily, what would be a Zoldick-appropriate dose, already with a syringe in his hand. The boy felt a pinch on his shoulder and realized he'd been shot.

"Ok" Leorio faced him again, taking his shoulders forcing him to look up.

He found his firm gentle eyes.

"You are going to be fine"

"...No" Killua closed his eyes pained.

why- And the image flashed - red trail down his knee. His hand flew to cover his own mouth, the other firmly clasping the mattress as he violently doubled over himself-

"Killua!"

As if he'd been kicked on his stomach. He kept there unbreathing, eyes shut tight, his throat closed. His hand around a knot of bedspread and the image imprinted there, there there, in his lap, forehead against bedspread barely holding his own weight - a second shot to his shoulder- he was shaken again, lifted by the shoulders. He shut his eyes in actual pain. As it sunk in, this, from all moments, what had been done to him.

Suddenly arms covered him.

He was being hugged.

He registered it, and felt the horror, but Leorio surrounded him with his big broad shoulders.

And then the tranquilizer hit his entire body.

...

The intake of air was painful, forceful.

Air glided into his chest...

It hurt. To just breathe hurt. And then his body gave way to the sedative. A warm wave rushed through his bloodstream. He was now weightless...

Just breathing…

Only breathing...

... His muscles were now fuzzy wool. He focused on the heavy drowsiness...It would only last some minutes or so… His back being rubbed.

Sensations similar as to when he was little, being trained and they told him to count backwards when injected… See how long he could keep awake before he gave way to some dose...

Leorio's soothing voice reached him as if through a fog.

"Killua. You are not in danger, you can trust me. I promise…please-"

His forehead was pressed to Leorio's chest as he chose not to hear. Not daring to move as his hurting chest breathed as if it wasn't his.

"Killua" he pleaded. Whispering as if chanting some prayer-or so it seemed under the fog "whatever it is that...that left you this way, please. I have to know, you need help, you really need help"

Leorio was pleading.

Killua registered he had never heard a similar tone in this person's voice…

His friend- he tagged Leorio. His friend. He still did not understand why he was in this situation. He just felt the usual detachment and extreme exhaustion.

The sensation of unreality, of surreality began tingling his skin. This had not happened. He breathed now slowly. Leorio was scared? He had to get a grip of himself. He inhaled again slowly. He concentrated on how it felt being rubbed on his back. It was warm. He focused on how air slid into his lungs, inhale, and exhale. He leaned against the feeling- the heavy exhaustion…

And the pain rooting its way deep somewhere in his chest…He closed his eyes.

He felt like crumbling.

But as much as he wanted he couldn't…Crying, he sensed he wasn't able.

Nothingness. That's the place that held him. It's ok... ok... Leorio's voice soothingly murmured, and if he said so-and if Gon's image lingered through the fog…A fog that his body slowly burnt against his will-will empty as a void, and his image…

...

Silence settled through his slower breathing, like specks of dust over them. Stillness like a quiet blanket as his body finished to burn whatever he'd been given.

Leorio exhaled heavily, holding the boy.

"We need help…" The doctor whispered. Almost to himself.

Killua noted his words. He felt certain reconnection to reality, and suddenly felt strongly alien to it all. What the fuck had he done.

He separated from Leorio slowly.

He was himself again... Breathing slowly...All in check...

He wouldn't' ever look at Leorio's eyes again.

Silence…

"thanks" he murmured. He couldn't meet Leorio's gaze. He couldn't explain as well. Considering the mess he was now in though, he felt a strange cold calmness. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Killu"

"mm" he didn't look up.

"are you ok?"

The boy nodded determined. His breathing was slow, but otherwise had returned to normality.

Killua suddenly stood from the bed.

With that certain enchantment was broken. He left to a side of the room.

Searching for a t-shirt as if nothing had happened. God didn't he want desperately a T shirt.

Leorio stared.

At the prolonged silence the boy exhaled.

"I scared you. Sorry" he said in a soft monotone giving his back.

Leorio stood in silence.

"...Killua…"

"don't" he said tired.

"but..."

"please...don't..."

"no, come here…let's… I mean" he inhaled "you just-" Leorio tried, but the boy interrupted him.

"I know. It won't happen again"

Silence...

"You…" and there was an edge of bitterness to his voice "hadn't seen the other side of a trained killer uh? Child torture does get its toll."

He shrugged. And at the awkward silence he just put on the said t-shirt. He added "I should have been able to handle that, I'm sorry. Not professional at all" he laughed coldly "But that's all I'm fine"

"..how can you talk about professional or not professional-"

"I'm expected to" he dismissed it with a hand wave

"…No. You're not. No longer"

That froze his movements for a second. He wasn't looking up but the way his eyes flashed told him he questioned the truth of the statement. But he deflected all.

"You must have freaked out at the moment no? But seriously, it's nothing" he gave him his back, now on the search of his hoodie. Leorio insisted

"No! First, days ago someone -"

"It had nothing to do with the… other day thing. I don't know why now I…leave it".

"You're having nightmares"

...

Killua did not turn.

"Gon told me. You're waking him at night." He said with urgency "He asked me to give you something."

Gon…

Suddenly Killua turned. He opened and closed his mouth. Once. Briefly. Trying to speak...But avoiding his gaze...

He wasn't able...

And Leorio inhaled. Killua's expression was pained. So...pained. And again, that fleeting second where his emotions were unmasked. Just that pained look through violet eyes that were pleading.

…

"leave it" he whispered finally.

Leorio closed his eyes. At the image.

He had to restrain himself from all his natural impulses. Of retorting. Of asking. Of approaching the boy...Knowing he would withdraw further away. The doctor bit his inner cheek.

And he opened his eyes and fixed them aseptically on his suitcase.

He reached for it and searched. After fumbling a while he took something out. A small bottle. Inside rattled a few little blue pills.

"…Here So you can sleep…" Leorio tried to sound nonchalant. He felt anything but that.

"The deal's closed. I won't ask anything else. Just ask me for refills"

Killua was taken by surprise. He took the bottle. And held it in his fist.

"If you have problems with your wounds, you know my room. Now you can leave"

"you won't...?"

"no"

Killua was cast down.

"that's...that's what I need"

"I know"

Killua nodded to himself. He took a hesitant step forward.

"Thanks" he said in low humbleness. "really...thanks..."

And with another step he gave Leorio a swift hug.

The doctor opened his arms surprised looking down at the smaller boy. But Killua just as swiftly had separated. The boy picked and put on his hoodie, and muttered a "thanks" and a "see you on deck" under white bangs before leaving swiftly.

Leorio looked at the closed door for long moments after the boy left.

...

Yes, half hour and Leorio sat on the bed. Brooding.

Of course he wasn't going to sit and do nothing.

But do something about what? What was the situation? What had happened?

What is his role here? He is just a friend.

But then he remembered the scene. And he covered his mouth unconsciously with the back of his hand. It was Killua! What had happened ? He exhaled heavily. Killua needed help, Killua was his friend, time told him it been three years since he met the kid, they'd grown under his skin and he would do whatever to protect him, of course he would. So he would help him, he would! but how, how? What had happened? and why? why was he so avoidant, why was he so...scared.

He heard another sigh echo him from the walk-in closet in coherence. He totally agreed with the echo.

Wait-what?

He found himself running toward the source, half thinking -burglars-half thinking "I'm going crazy" when he stopped at the entrance.

"Kurapica?"

The blond, just wrapped in a towel was sitting in a reflective trance in the floor of the walk-in closet. But at his name, he turned his head to find Leorio staring at him in disbelief

"WAAAAH!" manly shriek

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Leorio screamed back.

Kurapica stood immediately saying "I can explain- ouch!"

Yes, on his way up his head bumped with one of the shelves. And in slow motion that shelf came off its hinges and fell over him, with all the clothes it contained

"Kurapica!"

"OOOOOWW!"

He'd disappeared now under the wooden shelf and the many many garments.

Leorio knelt to rescue his friend from the bundle of clothing.

"Hey, you ok?" He picked easily the shelf up. Kurapica still protested half covered by-

"THESE are your underpants! UGH it couldn't get worse! Why why are we sharing rooms!" and then he heard for the first time the blond curse. Leorio burst in laughter.

"Stop laughing!" Leorio was knelt now in front, but at the reprimand, he just took a black slip tangled in Kurapica's earring. The blond snapped his hand away, but being buried in a bundle of undergarments did not make him look the least threatening.

"Don't come near me" Kurapica growled.

"why? Because you are covered in my undies?"

"No, because I'm naked!" he growled again.

Leorio burst out in laughter.

"STOP" the blond hissed like a boiling kettle.

"I- ha- ha-ha, I just deserve ha- ha-ha a good explanation"

"I took a shower. And was here...

"The whole time? on a towel?"

"I noticed I had no clean underpants of my own… Now, I had some more in my bag which is outside and was on my way out when you came in and I was stuck-"

"why didn't you just put pants?"

"I'm not about to come out on commando with you in front!"

"I do it all the time."

"EW!"

"I'd like to see you try!"

"agh, shame on you, you'll never find me in that position, I have my dignity!"

Leorio burst in laughter

"yes yes, now it's failing me of course. But what was I supposed to do? You entered saying like "Enter, Kurapica is not here, don't worry!"

Leorio opened his mouth and closed it and laughed again.

"what"

"nothing"

"what!" the blond was really uber mad

"you'll never find me in that position" he mimicked "I was going to say "in what position" but knew you were going to be pissed"

"yes"

"hah, you see? Even though-"

"And that topic is of boundaries"

"but then it doesn't matter that much if you're naked or not uh?" He extended a hand. He was not laughing anymore, just smiling gently. Kurapica rolled his eyes, faint pink tingeing his cheeks. He searched, still covered in socks and stuff, for the towel, and covered himself as he stood up with help.

"Ok. Just for your "dignity" I won't look. Even though again, it doesn't matter after-"

"Off boundaries"

"yes, yes"

Leorio turned and brought Kurapica his bag. But as he placed it on the floor of the walk-in closet he stopped.

"Kurapica…."

The blond looked up knowing what was coming...Leorio hesitated

"you heard, didn't you"

Kurapica's eyes were serious. Reflective. He nodded slowly.

"Leorio…"

"dress. First just…dress"

Kurapica nodded.

He felt like a dog in a dog pound, walking, almost running towards the deck. Oh he was tired, exhausted. But the helplessness he so hated had finally been replaced by restlessness and the usual anger, self loathing, the whole gang having some beers inside his head. Oh, wasn't he amazing, wasn't he te-rri-fic, totally brilliant Killua, cheers to you! He drank the ilegally obtained red bull in his hand. The need to be some place faraway from there, to escape all the consequences of his superb self-management, to forget the entire incident in the first place- humiliation- all drove him forward. He clenched his jaw. He was ready to kill some spiders or to throw his cell phone to the ocean, see how far it could reach. Or break it in two- he was about to do so, see how many pieces assembled the gadget and how much it took to render it useless.

But suddenly his own jagged breathing-and a new acquired fear of losing control- stopped him. He took his hands to the rail and felt the cold metal between his hands.

He slumped to sit at the edge, his feet dangling, his forehead pressed to the metal. He sighed calming himself because that wouldn't work either. This morning his only highlight for the day had been that Diablo III game coming out.

So it was possible. For him to lose control. The control of his own self. Of his own mind.

His cell phone. Inside his pocket.

Inbox: One message received.

He observed for long the grey sea, the part that still was visible under the fog that enveloped the sea...

Just then he felt hands place over his eyes. His vision was obstructed but he felt elbows place over his shoulders.

"Guess who" a warm voice chirped.

His heart soothed one beat…He grinned faintly.

"hey..."

"no, no, no, Guess Who"

Killua smiled.

"...Jack Sparrow"

A silence followed

"You don't know who Jack Sparrow is, isn't it" Killua whispered amused, the corner of his lip lifting a little.

"Well, whoever he is, his name is weird" Gon noted. But immediately his expansive enthusiasm gave a rapid series of self invented explanations "Chances are he's a hunter! No, a spider! wait, a historian, a historian! or-"

"wanna bet?"

"yes! Ooooh I know. It must be a sort of legendary captain, mmmm, of a haunted ship of the seas abroad"

But then he seemed to giggle "I sound stupid, right? Ok, it must be the name of a serial killer… I know! He is Jack the Ripper! Now I'm totally sure"

Killua, still blinded, laughed softly the entire time. "For a moment there, you were soooo close"

"well, either way you are the one guessing wrong"

Gon leaned against him, placing his chin in Killua's shoulders.

"...guess who..."

Killua leaned into that closeness. It wasn't the usual- for a second it made him wonder if Gon was up to something-knew something-felt some-he cut his thoughts right there.

He just leaned his back against Gon. Now thoughtless. With an equally playful smile.

"Guess whooo." His sing song voice had hooted again.

"mmmm…lemme see... This person likes orange juice isn't it?"

"Yup!"

"and he is one with the woods" he said pensively. Gon thought about it.

Killua inhaled "He even raised a fox-bear on his own, in the forests no? Or that's too farfetched of my imagination?" The albino smirked. Being blinded made him aware of Gon's warmth, so different from the chilly fog and the cold metal rail in his hands.

"Nope, he did" caramel voice confirmed.

"…and he lived in a tree house"

"yes"

"and he misses horribly Mitosan. Every single day"

"yes-wait-What? Not true!"

"oh. Ok"

"I don't! I'm fine on my own"

"got it"

"I don't! it's true

"uhuh. Sure."

Hands freed him to be replaced by a smack to his head.

"ow!" he massaged his temple "And that cleared it out"

"I don't!"

Suddenly Killua turned swiftly on place, so he was finally facing Gon. He'd done this so quickly he was almost less than an inch away from Gon's face. The corner of his lip curved upward as he asked, furrowing into honey eyes

"So you really don't?"

Gon looked down "…you were supposed to guess who..."

His expression was so cute. A string to his chest; and Killua swiftly stood up. Hands in his pockets he directed his gaze to the sea again.

Gon tagged along half smiling.

"you win..."

"at what?"

"…I do miss her. A lot" he sighed "And I hate you because now you will tease me for forever."

Killua smirked mischievously. But the undertone in his eyes was somewhat nostalgic. He looked ahead

"I miss her too". He did. And he kicked his own empty can away. It landed in the ocean far below (mind this cruise had seven floors). He thought Gon was about to reprimand him for the sake of the poor fish below when his hand was grabbed. And he found himself running behind Gon. It was the second time this morning that he did so.

His hand knotted to his own as he ran happily

"I have to show you something!"

As he tagged along he wondered… Could he count on him to come and do that forever? To come and warm what began freezing , to come and move what began to stay still and silent, could he ask-please do that forever. He laughed at himself- what with the content of his thoughts. And then he laughed at Gon, as they began to climb a hidden ladder. Gon repeated the word 'surprise' over and over as it carried them into the ventilation system that itself led to a trapdoor in some part of the roofed area.

Killua was the first to pop up from the trapdoor. As he climbed leaving room for Gon, he tried to distinguish what he was supposed to discover. There was nothing in particular in that bleak weather, just some seagulls that oddly nestled in between the painted metal tubes. No, it wasn't odd. Those carried hot water from the boilers, because they were warm. It was like when doves nestle in wires because the electricity warms them.

"It's a nice hideout" The albino calculated.

"It is. But that's not the surprise" Gon closed the trapdoor and sat beside him, in between the warmth of the tubes as well.

Gon looked at Killua expression, lost and wondering around…

He was perfect…He'd already checked out which were the escape routes in case there was an attack, he could tell.

Killua looked up and stumbled into that caramel gaze. His look, it was so intense… It made his heart skip one beat.

Gon smiled. And he whistled. Uh?

And then all, all the seagulls- which were clearly much more in number than what he'd given credit to- they all flew away startled by the sound. Or so they tried. Because to their legs were knotted invisible strings- he recognized fishing line threads- that tied them to the tubes.

All of them flying, so many, over their heads, like a cloud of wings and seagull chatter. Gon laughter rang.

You see… he had this plan…

Today, same room, same hour. If you're late I can go pay a visit to you guys instead, room 212 isn't it? ; -)

A/N: LONG CHAPTER!

Now I'm with the flu, and therefore in bed, so if you encourage me I'll try and bring you next chapters sooner :)
- 14
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Heh Killua