The Key to My Heart
folder
Gravitation › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
41
Views:
16,435
Reviews:
186
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Gravitation › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
41
Views:
16,435
Reviews:
186
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Gravitation, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The Key to My Heart: Chapter 16
Title: The Key to My Heart: Chapter 16
Author: JadeHeart
Archived: Found on gurabiteshiyon.net. If anyone else would like it, please ask me first!
Fandom: Gravitation
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: angst
Timeline: After the anime/manga finishes.
Characters: Yuki
Feedback: Feedback is always welcome! If I don’t get feedback, I don’t want to continue!
Summary: Just how far would Yuki go in search of Shuichi?
Long, long, Author’s Notes (skip it if you’re not interested!) : I just wanted to address a few points that muu-chan raised in the review. Yes, due to the high profile nature of the characters, there could have been many other ways for Shuichi to be found with lots of press attention, etc. That would have made it a very short story! Actually though, what was more in my mind was the following: (1) Shuichi’s trip to the US wasn’t a formal promotional tour for Bad Luck, he was only going on his own, not the whole band. It was more of a chance for him to chat to some people that NG had connections with to set up the possibility of Bad Luck breaking into the US pop scene. So the trip would have been very low key. (2) Due to that, both Tohma and Shuichi would have made certain that his presence on the plane was not well known. Once the accident occurred, Tohma would have made certain there was a clamp on any media speculation that might arise in Japan as he wouldn’t want the fans there to suspect Bad Luck’s singer was dead. It wouldn’t be good for business. Unless Bad Luck was playing in concert somewhere or Shuichi had to put in a personal appearance, then the public wouldn’t know that Shuichi was missing. There are any number of plausible stories the NG could give, and Hiro and Fujisaki would have ensured to keep up the pretence that all was well whilst they were waiting word on Shuichi. So, no fan frenzy or panic yet. (3) The reason Tohma and Yuki were doing things a little clandestine was the timeframe. They were trying to find out information immediately after the crash when there would be again a complete media and information blackout by the US with regards to exact details of the crash and survivors. It would be very much on a ‘needs to know’ basis. Airline manifests would be kept under strict control and they would have been more concerned about the terrorism angle, than the fact that there might have been a Japanese pop star on the plane. They would release this information in time certainly, but Yuki was pretty impatient and wanted it now. (4) Yes, Yuki is also very famous but his publicist could always have mentioned in Japan that he was going to the US to research or promote a book to explain his sudden absence. His presence once over there, well, they weren’t exactly going to places for him to be recognised or moving in those circles. And with Yuki no longer in Japan, it wouldn’t be like people would notice that Shuichi wasn’t with him at this time. (5) With Shuichi disappearing in New York, yes, again they could have gone for full media attention, splashed his picture over the papers and TV etc, but they didn’t know if he had changed in appearance, and it is very easy for people to not recognise someone with simple changes of hair style and colour (it happens to me all the time!). So I tried to address that fact a little in the story, that people only see, or recognise, whom they want to see. Again, I don’t believe that Tohma would have wanted this kind of media attention, nor do I think that Yuki would have wanted it. So, anyway, that was my thinking behind it all. I didn’t put all that into the story because I think people would have got bored with all the details – but I had thought about it all as I was writing this!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’ , nor am I making any profits from this.
The Key to My Heart: Chapter 16
Yuki lit another cigarette. He had been waiting for some time. The darkness closed in around him, the café behind throwing multiple pools of illumination outwards, like puddles of sunshine trying to break the night.
He paced, hands in pockets. He drew one hand out and glanced at his watch. It was 1.15am. He chewed on the butt of his cigarette, chest tightening. Shuichi had said to meet him here at 1.00am. This was the exact spot he had said to meet. Yuki had already walked the length of the boardwalk to be sure that he hadn’t been waiting for Yuki somewhere else. There had been no sign of him anywhere. No, this was definitely where Shuichi had said he would come. So he waited.
Yuki had been waiting here since midnight. He had arrived early, as he had been so afraid of arriving late and missing Shuichi. Missing him again. He continued to pace. He was too uptight to sit down and have a drink, and so had done nothing but pace and smoke for the past hour and a bit.
Where was he? he wondered, nearly biting through his cigarette in his worry. He spat it out in anger, before immediately reaching for another. Where was Shuichi? Had he changed his mind? Had he decided that he didn’t want to meet Yuki? Did he decide he didn’t want to know who he was? Had the thought of meeting someone from his forgotten past frightened him, so he had changed his mind? Was he afraid to learn who he was?
How would it feel, Yuki wondered, to not know who you were? To have nothing, to know nothing, of your past? There were many things in Yuki’s past that he would have liked nothing more than to forget, so in some ways that blankness would be a blessing he had often thought.
But everything? To lose everything that you were? Where you had come from, what you did, who your friends were, your family? What would it be like to lose everything that made you….you? If there was no ‘you’ anymore, what was there? Who was there?
He continued pacing, looking out into the darkness, hearing the gentle sound of water lapping. Who was Shuichi?, he wondered. Who was Shuichi now? Who had Shuichi been in the first place?
He thought about that, looking down at his feet as he walked, one foot in front of the other. Just who had Shuichi been?
When Yuki had first met him, he had been young, exuberant, enthusiastic, full of energy. He had swept into Yuki’s life like a tornado, turning everything upside down. Before Yuki knew it, he, too, had been swept up in those spinning winds. He had been left feeling bruised, battered, and completely put through the wringer, during that tumultuous time.
He hadn’t really known what to do about Shuichi back then, didn’t really know how to handle the boy. He had been just so….different, from anyone Yuki had ever met before. His openness, his ability to express his every emotion so willingly, to share so much of himself with those he cared about. It had been a constant source of wonder to Yuki, and completely incomprehensible.
There had been days that Yuki just wanted to strangle the kid, throttle the life from him to just stop him from driving him crazy! Yet at the same time, Yuki had fought the desire to hang onto him and never let him go.
He had tried to fight against Shuichi. He had really tried hard to push him away, make him leave, send his distracting presence away so he would no longer turn his comfortable, set, organised life upside down. But no matter what he did, somehow Shuichi always came back. He was always there. Even when Yuki thought he didn’t want him to be, he was still there.
Soon Yuki came to realize that he didn’t really want Shuichi to go, didn’t really want to lose him at all. What he really wanted was to have Shuichi by him. Always.
Yes, the boy still drove him mad at times, still drove him almost to the end of his tether. He was still demanding, and wanting attention, and sometimes so overly affectionate that Yuki felt like he was getting smothered. Yet Yuki found that when he was feeling down, when the dark clouds of depression threatened to settle on his horizon, the only thing that could dispel them was Shuichi. That boundless energy, but most importantly that endless love, that he showered on Yuki allowed nothing but happiness to invade Yuki’s life.
That was still something he couldn’t understand. Shuichi’s ability to pour so much love onto him, so unconditionally, not asking, nor expecting anything. Just stating that was the way it was for him and he was going to be true to himself, no matter what. And he had been. No matter what Yuki or anyone else had tried to do or say, Shuichi had always been true to himself. Yuki envied that so much.
But now…. how could Shuichi be true to himself, when he didn’t know who he was? Was his ‘true self’ linked to his memories? Or was his ‘true self’ something that was just there, something innate, and would always be there? What was one’s ‘true self’? Did Yuki even know his own ‘true self’?
He dropped his finished cigarette to the ground, stepping on it as he continued walking. No, Yuki couldn’t claim to know who he really was, not really deep down. He had been nothing more than a shell, a pretty façade to show the world. Eiri Yuki had been nothing but a mask. A mask that hid the real Eiri Yuki not just from everyone else, but also himself. He had been like a wraith, a form with no substance that just existed. He went through the motions he thought he should, he portray the individual that Eiri Yuki seemed to be in his mind. He didn’t know who his ‘true self’ was. That was something he had only just been discovering in the past couple of years. From the years of being with Shuichi.
Yuki had been shaped and trapped by his past for so long, that he hadn’t truly grown as a person. Those past memories, suppressed or not, had ruled him completely. Until Shuichi had banished them, and in banishing them, began to create new memories for Yuki. It was like stepping out into the bright sunshine when you had lived all your life in the darkness of a locked room. It was blinding, and it hurt, but if you opened your eyes and let them adjust, you would see such beauty and wonders.
That was how Yuki had felt with Shuichi. The boy had opened his eyes to a world that he truly hadn’t ever really seen. He had shown him a new way of living. He could still be Yuki, could still be himself, but he had found that there was so much more to himself than even he had realized. Yet Shuichi had always believed it. It was because of that belief, that he had taken Yuki by the hand, and led him into the sunlight.
That was how Shuichi had been back then, and he was much more than just that. He had another side to him, another portion of his life that was what made him, him. He was a member of Bad Luck, a rising pop star. He had talent, ability, he had worked hard and made something of himself. He had known fame, come to grips with publicity, accepted interviews with the calmness of a professional. He knew how to play the crowds until they were eating out of his hand. He had grown up and matured. Sometimes.
Yuki glanced at his watch again. 1.30am. He looked into the night. There were still a few people walking this stretch, taking in the beautiful night. It was a popular romantic spot. Yuki couldn’t appreciate it at the moment.
Where was he?
Had Shuichi decided that he was happier the way he was, not remembering? He had coped quite well on his own. Yuki was still a little surprised by that. He was still having difficulty in accepting a capable, practical Shuichi, but that was the case. He had found himself jobs, worked hard from what Yuki had been told, found a place to live, made friends, even traveled in a foreign country where he didn’t know the language very well. That really didn’t seem like the Shuichi that Yuki had known. Was that what Shuichi might be afraid of? Finding out that the person he had been previously wasn’t this capable, wasn’t this mature, wasn’t this….adult?
Yuki still found it a little ironic that Shuichi had ended up back in a band. Not that it was surprising that someone didn’t recognize his talent. Gods, the boy positively oozed talent from every pore when he was near music! You would have to be blind, dumb, and tone deaf to not recognize that! No, what was ironic was that the band consisted of a guitarist and keyboardist, with Shuichi as the singer. The same combination that had been Bad Luck. Maybe that was just fate.
He lit another cigarette, continuing to walk. Had Shuichi decided that he liked the way his life was now, and so didn’t want to disrupt it with his past? He still had his music, even though he wasn’t a famous pop star, and yet he had seemed quite happy at the club. He had looked healthy, fit, ……and happy.
It was that happiness that made Yuki’s heart ache. He wanted Shuichi to be happy, he truly did. He wanted it with all his heart. He just couldn’t bear to see him happy because he had lost his memories. That he was happy because he didn’t remember Yuki! That hurt so much! Yuki wanted Shuichi to be happy with him!
Was he being selfish?, Yuki wondered. Was he just wanting Shuichi to remember for his own selfish reasons? Because he couldn’t go on without him? It appeared that Shuichi had moved on. He had had no choice but to do so, and in doing so had made a new life for himself. A life that seemed to suit him. Did Yuki have the right to try and change that? Was getting his memories back, remembering the past, the best thing for Shuichi?
Yuki ground his teeth. Maybe it wasn’t best for Shuichi. But how could it not be? It wasn’t like he was going to find out that he was an axe murderer, or was married with six kids, or had done anything really bad before. He was going to find out that he was a famous pop star, had legions of fans, was highly talented, had friends and family who cared about him. It was all good, wasn’t it? Surely, it was okay for Shuichi to learn about that? Wasn’t it?
He looked down at his watch again. 1.45am. He dropped his finished cigarette and paused in his pacing to look up at the stars. Had Shuichi decided not to see Yuki tonight? Or ever? Perhaps his girlfriend had told him not to come? After all, Shuichi only had Yuki’s word that they had known each other in Japan. Perhaps the girl was concerned that Yuki was some crazy person that would cause Shuichi harm. He couldn’t really blame her, if that was the case. He had just sort of appeared out of no where into Shuichi’s life.
Or perhaps she didn’t want Shuichi to regain his memories of his past? Perhaps she was just as afraid of losing Shuichi to his past, as Yuki was afraid of losing him to the present. Could they really have that much in common? He didn’t want to have anything in common with that girl. That girl had taken Shuichi from him!
How did they meet? Had they met here in Quebec City, or somewhere else? Was she actually just a groupie who had latched on to Shuichi and his little band as they had played their way to here? Was she here just studying, or did she live here? How did she know Japanese? It was pretty convenient that Shuichi had met up with someone who spoke his own language. Yuki wouldn’t have thought that he would have. Just who was she?
Why did Shuichi like her? He could understand why she liked him. Shuichi was sweet, loving, caring, and committed. Not committed in the insane asylum way, though sometimes Yuki was certain the kid belonged in a straight jacket and a room with padded walls with the way he would behave! No, Shuichi was committed to anything he felt was truly important. His music, his family, his friends. And Yuki. Before, Shuichi had been completely committed to Yuki, and to their relationship. If Shuichi was with this girl now, yes, he would be committed to her.
Was that something that was worrying Shuichi? That he was committed to that girl and he feared that what he might learn of his past, or who he was, would affect his relationship with her? That it would upset her, hurt her? Yes, he probably was worried about that. Shuichi would worry about someone else so much when he cared for them.
2.00am. Where was he? Yuki looked behind him. The Chateau Fronenac towered high on the hill behind him, the outside lights casting rays of illumination across the façade, making it look almost other-worldly and somewhat frightening, and yet at the same time breathtakingly beautiful.
Cared for. How much did Shuichi care for that girl? The way they had greeted each other last night, well, that indicated a great depth of feeling. Perhaps it was just the initial throes of love when in a new relationship, when everything seemed wonderful, new, bright and exciting. That feeling didn’t always last, not if the relationship was going to continue and become more meaningful and lasting. Even if that was the case, at this point in time, they had definitely seemed happy together. They were definitely more than just a fling, or passing fancy to each other.
Shuichi really did care for her. Very much. Yuki could see it in the way he had smiled at her, the way he had kissed her, the way he had held her. Even just the way he had looked at her. Once Shuichi had looked at Yuki like that. Once, Yuki was the only person who Shuichi would ever have looked at like that. It hurt to see that transferred to someone else. It hurt to lose that.
Where was he? The night air was getting chillier as it crept closer towards dawn.
Was Yuki just deluding himself in thinking that he could give Shuichi back his memories? That just by talking with him, he could give him back his past? Even if he did and Shuichi remembered, what then? He stopped. Just what would happen then?, he wondered. Would Shuichi remember everything, and if he did, would all the bad things be too much for him? What if he decided that all the times that Yuki had been horrid to him, had been heartless and cruel, what if he decided that they just weren’t worth it? What if he decided that Yuki wasn’t worth it?!
Yuki wrapped his arms around himself, feeling the shiver that shook his body. What if all Shuichi remembered were the bad times, and none of the good times? Unfortunately, there had been a lot of bad times back then, back at the start. It wasn’t like he and Shuichi had had an easy start to their relationship. It had always amazed Yuki that from all of that, could have come this wonderful relationship that they had. It wasn’t perfect, by any means. They still had their ups and downs, their days when they couldn’t stand each other, that they got on each other’s nerves. But for all of that, Yuki had never, ever wanted Shuichi to leave him. Now, could all those bad times at the start be the only things that Shuichi would remember? Yuki cursed himself now for those. He could have done things differently, made things better for Shuichi!
He dropped his arms to his side, shoulders slumping. No, he couldn’t have, he admitted to himself in blunt honesty. He couldn’t have done things differently. Not back then. He had been too confused, too caught up in himself and his past, and too uncertain about the future that Shuichi was holding out to him. The way he had been back then, he couldn’t have done anything differently at all. Just as Shuichi probably couldn’t have done anything different either. They were both who they had been back then, just as they are who they are now. Only….Shuichi didn’t know who he was.
He lit another cigarette. His hands were shaking so much it was difficult to hold the flame of the lighter to the end. He felt his eyes stinging from unshed tears. He wasn’t coming. Shuichi wasn’t coming. He inhaled, filling his lungs with smoke to try and stop the sobs that threatened to emerge. He bit his lip, hoping the pain would hold back those tears.
Shuichi wasn’t coming.
He turned around to leave, to walk away into the night, wishing that the darkness could just swallow him completely and erase him from this world. At this moment, Yuki wished he too, suffered from Shuichi’s lack of memories.
“Hey!” a faint voice cried out through the darkness.
Yuki lifted his head, peering through the night. A figure was moving there in the darkness, running towards him, waving expansively to catch his attention.
“Hey!” it called again.
Yuki’s heart leapt at the sight.
He had come.
Author: JadeHeart
Archived: Found on gurabiteshiyon.net. If anyone else would like it, please ask me first!
Fandom: Gravitation
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: angst
Timeline: After the anime/manga finishes.
Characters: Yuki
Feedback: Feedback is always welcome! If I don’t get feedback, I don’t want to continue!
Summary: Just how far would Yuki go in search of Shuichi?
Long, long, Author’s Notes (skip it if you’re not interested!) : I just wanted to address a few points that muu-chan raised in the review. Yes, due to the high profile nature of the characters, there could have been many other ways for Shuichi to be found with lots of press attention, etc. That would have made it a very short story! Actually though, what was more in my mind was the following: (1) Shuichi’s trip to the US wasn’t a formal promotional tour for Bad Luck, he was only going on his own, not the whole band. It was more of a chance for him to chat to some people that NG had connections with to set up the possibility of Bad Luck breaking into the US pop scene. So the trip would have been very low key. (2) Due to that, both Tohma and Shuichi would have made certain that his presence on the plane was not well known. Once the accident occurred, Tohma would have made certain there was a clamp on any media speculation that might arise in Japan as he wouldn’t want the fans there to suspect Bad Luck’s singer was dead. It wouldn’t be good for business. Unless Bad Luck was playing in concert somewhere or Shuichi had to put in a personal appearance, then the public wouldn’t know that Shuichi was missing. There are any number of plausible stories the NG could give, and Hiro and Fujisaki would have ensured to keep up the pretence that all was well whilst they were waiting word on Shuichi. So, no fan frenzy or panic yet. (3) The reason Tohma and Yuki were doing things a little clandestine was the timeframe. They were trying to find out information immediately after the crash when there would be again a complete media and information blackout by the US with regards to exact details of the crash and survivors. It would be very much on a ‘needs to know’ basis. Airline manifests would be kept under strict control and they would have been more concerned about the terrorism angle, than the fact that there might have been a Japanese pop star on the plane. They would release this information in time certainly, but Yuki was pretty impatient and wanted it now. (4) Yes, Yuki is also very famous but his publicist could always have mentioned in Japan that he was going to the US to research or promote a book to explain his sudden absence. His presence once over there, well, they weren’t exactly going to places for him to be recognised or moving in those circles. And with Yuki no longer in Japan, it wouldn’t be like people would notice that Shuichi wasn’t with him at this time. (5) With Shuichi disappearing in New York, yes, again they could have gone for full media attention, splashed his picture over the papers and TV etc, but they didn’t know if he had changed in appearance, and it is very easy for people to not recognise someone with simple changes of hair style and colour (it happens to me all the time!). So I tried to address that fact a little in the story, that people only see, or recognise, whom they want to see. Again, I don’t believe that Tohma would have wanted this kind of media attention, nor do I think that Yuki would have wanted it. So, anyway, that was my thinking behind it all. I didn’t put all that into the story because I think people would have got bored with all the details – but I had thought about it all as I was writing this!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’ , nor am I making any profits from this.
The Key to My Heart: Chapter 16
Yuki lit another cigarette. He had been waiting for some time. The darkness closed in around him, the café behind throwing multiple pools of illumination outwards, like puddles of sunshine trying to break the night.
He paced, hands in pockets. He drew one hand out and glanced at his watch. It was 1.15am. He chewed on the butt of his cigarette, chest tightening. Shuichi had said to meet him here at 1.00am. This was the exact spot he had said to meet. Yuki had already walked the length of the boardwalk to be sure that he hadn’t been waiting for Yuki somewhere else. There had been no sign of him anywhere. No, this was definitely where Shuichi had said he would come. So he waited.
Yuki had been waiting here since midnight. He had arrived early, as he had been so afraid of arriving late and missing Shuichi. Missing him again. He continued to pace. He was too uptight to sit down and have a drink, and so had done nothing but pace and smoke for the past hour and a bit.
Where was he? he wondered, nearly biting through his cigarette in his worry. He spat it out in anger, before immediately reaching for another. Where was Shuichi? Had he changed his mind? Had he decided that he didn’t want to meet Yuki? Did he decide he didn’t want to know who he was? Had the thought of meeting someone from his forgotten past frightened him, so he had changed his mind? Was he afraid to learn who he was?
How would it feel, Yuki wondered, to not know who you were? To have nothing, to know nothing, of your past? There were many things in Yuki’s past that he would have liked nothing more than to forget, so in some ways that blankness would be a blessing he had often thought.
But everything? To lose everything that you were? Where you had come from, what you did, who your friends were, your family? What would it be like to lose everything that made you….you? If there was no ‘you’ anymore, what was there? Who was there?
He continued pacing, looking out into the darkness, hearing the gentle sound of water lapping. Who was Shuichi?, he wondered. Who was Shuichi now? Who had Shuichi been in the first place?
He thought about that, looking down at his feet as he walked, one foot in front of the other. Just who had Shuichi been?
When Yuki had first met him, he had been young, exuberant, enthusiastic, full of energy. He had swept into Yuki’s life like a tornado, turning everything upside down. Before Yuki knew it, he, too, had been swept up in those spinning winds. He had been left feeling bruised, battered, and completely put through the wringer, during that tumultuous time.
He hadn’t really known what to do about Shuichi back then, didn’t really know how to handle the boy. He had been just so….different, from anyone Yuki had ever met before. His openness, his ability to express his every emotion so willingly, to share so much of himself with those he cared about. It had been a constant source of wonder to Yuki, and completely incomprehensible.
There had been days that Yuki just wanted to strangle the kid, throttle the life from him to just stop him from driving him crazy! Yet at the same time, Yuki had fought the desire to hang onto him and never let him go.
He had tried to fight against Shuichi. He had really tried hard to push him away, make him leave, send his distracting presence away so he would no longer turn his comfortable, set, organised life upside down. But no matter what he did, somehow Shuichi always came back. He was always there. Even when Yuki thought he didn’t want him to be, he was still there.
Soon Yuki came to realize that he didn’t really want Shuichi to go, didn’t really want to lose him at all. What he really wanted was to have Shuichi by him. Always.
Yes, the boy still drove him mad at times, still drove him almost to the end of his tether. He was still demanding, and wanting attention, and sometimes so overly affectionate that Yuki felt like he was getting smothered. Yet Yuki found that when he was feeling down, when the dark clouds of depression threatened to settle on his horizon, the only thing that could dispel them was Shuichi. That boundless energy, but most importantly that endless love, that he showered on Yuki allowed nothing but happiness to invade Yuki’s life.
That was still something he couldn’t understand. Shuichi’s ability to pour so much love onto him, so unconditionally, not asking, nor expecting anything. Just stating that was the way it was for him and he was going to be true to himself, no matter what. And he had been. No matter what Yuki or anyone else had tried to do or say, Shuichi had always been true to himself. Yuki envied that so much.
But now…. how could Shuichi be true to himself, when he didn’t know who he was? Was his ‘true self’ linked to his memories? Or was his ‘true self’ something that was just there, something innate, and would always be there? What was one’s ‘true self’? Did Yuki even know his own ‘true self’?
He dropped his finished cigarette to the ground, stepping on it as he continued walking. No, Yuki couldn’t claim to know who he really was, not really deep down. He had been nothing more than a shell, a pretty façade to show the world. Eiri Yuki had been nothing but a mask. A mask that hid the real Eiri Yuki not just from everyone else, but also himself. He had been like a wraith, a form with no substance that just existed. He went through the motions he thought he should, he portray the individual that Eiri Yuki seemed to be in his mind. He didn’t know who his ‘true self’ was. That was something he had only just been discovering in the past couple of years. From the years of being with Shuichi.
Yuki had been shaped and trapped by his past for so long, that he hadn’t truly grown as a person. Those past memories, suppressed or not, had ruled him completely. Until Shuichi had banished them, and in banishing them, began to create new memories for Yuki. It was like stepping out into the bright sunshine when you had lived all your life in the darkness of a locked room. It was blinding, and it hurt, but if you opened your eyes and let them adjust, you would see such beauty and wonders.
That was how Yuki had felt with Shuichi. The boy had opened his eyes to a world that he truly hadn’t ever really seen. He had shown him a new way of living. He could still be Yuki, could still be himself, but he had found that there was so much more to himself than even he had realized. Yet Shuichi had always believed it. It was because of that belief, that he had taken Yuki by the hand, and led him into the sunlight.
That was how Shuichi had been back then, and he was much more than just that. He had another side to him, another portion of his life that was what made him, him. He was a member of Bad Luck, a rising pop star. He had talent, ability, he had worked hard and made something of himself. He had known fame, come to grips with publicity, accepted interviews with the calmness of a professional. He knew how to play the crowds until they were eating out of his hand. He had grown up and matured. Sometimes.
Yuki glanced at his watch again. 1.30am. He looked into the night. There were still a few people walking this stretch, taking in the beautiful night. It was a popular romantic spot. Yuki couldn’t appreciate it at the moment.
Where was he?
Had Shuichi decided that he was happier the way he was, not remembering? He had coped quite well on his own. Yuki was still a little surprised by that. He was still having difficulty in accepting a capable, practical Shuichi, but that was the case. He had found himself jobs, worked hard from what Yuki had been told, found a place to live, made friends, even traveled in a foreign country where he didn’t know the language very well. That really didn’t seem like the Shuichi that Yuki had known. Was that what Shuichi might be afraid of? Finding out that the person he had been previously wasn’t this capable, wasn’t this mature, wasn’t this….adult?
Yuki still found it a little ironic that Shuichi had ended up back in a band. Not that it was surprising that someone didn’t recognize his talent. Gods, the boy positively oozed talent from every pore when he was near music! You would have to be blind, dumb, and tone deaf to not recognize that! No, what was ironic was that the band consisted of a guitarist and keyboardist, with Shuichi as the singer. The same combination that had been Bad Luck. Maybe that was just fate.
He lit another cigarette, continuing to walk. Had Shuichi decided that he liked the way his life was now, and so didn’t want to disrupt it with his past? He still had his music, even though he wasn’t a famous pop star, and yet he had seemed quite happy at the club. He had looked healthy, fit, ……and happy.
It was that happiness that made Yuki’s heart ache. He wanted Shuichi to be happy, he truly did. He wanted it with all his heart. He just couldn’t bear to see him happy because he had lost his memories. That he was happy because he didn’t remember Yuki! That hurt so much! Yuki wanted Shuichi to be happy with him!
Was he being selfish?, Yuki wondered. Was he just wanting Shuichi to remember for his own selfish reasons? Because he couldn’t go on without him? It appeared that Shuichi had moved on. He had had no choice but to do so, and in doing so had made a new life for himself. A life that seemed to suit him. Did Yuki have the right to try and change that? Was getting his memories back, remembering the past, the best thing for Shuichi?
Yuki ground his teeth. Maybe it wasn’t best for Shuichi. But how could it not be? It wasn’t like he was going to find out that he was an axe murderer, or was married with six kids, or had done anything really bad before. He was going to find out that he was a famous pop star, had legions of fans, was highly talented, had friends and family who cared about him. It was all good, wasn’t it? Surely, it was okay for Shuichi to learn about that? Wasn’t it?
He looked down at his watch again. 1.45am. He dropped his finished cigarette and paused in his pacing to look up at the stars. Had Shuichi decided not to see Yuki tonight? Or ever? Perhaps his girlfriend had told him not to come? After all, Shuichi only had Yuki’s word that they had known each other in Japan. Perhaps the girl was concerned that Yuki was some crazy person that would cause Shuichi harm. He couldn’t really blame her, if that was the case. He had just sort of appeared out of no where into Shuichi’s life.
Or perhaps she didn’t want Shuichi to regain his memories of his past? Perhaps she was just as afraid of losing Shuichi to his past, as Yuki was afraid of losing him to the present. Could they really have that much in common? He didn’t want to have anything in common with that girl. That girl had taken Shuichi from him!
How did they meet? Had they met here in Quebec City, or somewhere else? Was she actually just a groupie who had latched on to Shuichi and his little band as they had played their way to here? Was she here just studying, or did she live here? How did she know Japanese? It was pretty convenient that Shuichi had met up with someone who spoke his own language. Yuki wouldn’t have thought that he would have. Just who was she?
Why did Shuichi like her? He could understand why she liked him. Shuichi was sweet, loving, caring, and committed. Not committed in the insane asylum way, though sometimes Yuki was certain the kid belonged in a straight jacket and a room with padded walls with the way he would behave! No, Shuichi was committed to anything he felt was truly important. His music, his family, his friends. And Yuki. Before, Shuichi had been completely committed to Yuki, and to their relationship. If Shuichi was with this girl now, yes, he would be committed to her.
Was that something that was worrying Shuichi? That he was committed to that girl and he feared that what he might learn of his past, or who he was, would affect his relationship with her? That it would upset her, hurt her? Yes, he probably was worried about that. Shuichi would worry about someone else so much when he cared for them.
2.00am. Where was he? Yuki looked behind him. The Chateau Fronenac towered high on the hill behind him, the outside lights casting rays of illumination across the façade, making it look almost other-worldly and somewhat frightening, and yet at the same time breathtakingly beautiful.
Cared for. How much did Shuichi care for that girl? The way they had greeted each other last night, well, that indicated a great depth of feeling. Perhaps it was just the initial throes of love when in a new relationship, when everything seemed wonderful, new, bright and exciting. That feeling didn’t always last, not if the relationship was going to continue and become more meaningful and lasting. Even if that was the case, at this point in time, they had definitely seemed happy together. They were definitely more than just a fling, or passing fancy to each other.
Shuichi really did care for her. Very much. Yuki could see it in the way he had smiled at her, the way he had kissed her, the way he had held her. Even just the way he had looked at her. Once Shuichi had looked at Yuki like that. Once, Yuki was the only person who Shuichi would ever have looked at like that. It hurt to see that transferred to someone else. It hurt to lose that.
Where was he? The night air was getting chillier as it crept closer towards dawn.
Was Yuki just deluding himself in thinking that he could give Shuichi back his memories? That just by talking with him, he could give him back his past? Even if he did and Shuichi remembered, what then? He stopped. Just what would happen then?, he wondered. Would Shuichi remember everything, and if he did, would all the bad things be too much for him? What if he decided that all the times that Yuki had been horrid to him, had been heartless and cruel, what if he decided that they just weren’t worth it? What if he decided that Yuki wasn’t worth it?!
Yuki wrapped his arms around himself, feeling the shiver that shook his body. What if all Shuichi remembered were the bad times, and none of the good times? Unfortunately, there had been a lot of bad times back then, back at the start. It wasn’t like he and Shuichi had had an easy start to their relationship. It had always amazed Yuki that from all of that, could have come this wonderful relationship that they had. It wasn’t perfect, by any means. They still had their ups and downs, their days when they couldn’t stand each other, that they got on each other’s nerves. But for all of that, Yuki had never, ever wanted Shuichi to leave him. Now, could all those bad times at the start be the only things that Shuichi would remember? Yuki cursed himself now for those. He could have done things differently, made things better for Shuichi!
He dropped his arms to his side, shoulders slumping. No, he couldn’t have, he admitted to himself in blunt honesty. He couldn’t have done things differently. Not back then. He had been too confused, too caught up in himself and his past, and too uncertain about the future that Shuichi was holding out to him. The way he had been back then, he couldn’t have done anything differently at all. Just as Shuichi probably couldn’t have done anything different either. They were both who they had been back then, just as they are who they are now. Only….Shuichi didn’t know who he was.
He lit another cigarette. His hands were shaking so much it was difficult to hold the flame of the lighter to the end. He felt his eyes stinging from unshed tears. He wasn’t coming. Shuichi wasn’t coming. He inhaled, filling his lungs with smoke to try and stop the sobs that threatened to emerge. He bit his lip, hoping the pain would hold back those tears.
Shuichi wasn’t coming.
He turned around to leave, to walk away into the night, wishing that the darkness could just swallow him completely and erase him from this world. At this moment, Yuki wished he too, suffered from Shuichi’s lack of memories.
“Hey!” a faint voice cried out through the darkness.
Yuki lifted his head, peering through the night. A figure was moving there in the darkness, running towards him, waving expansively to catch his attention.
“Hey!” it called again.
Yuki’s heart leapt at the sight.
He had come.