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My Sun, My Supernova	By : ditchgospel Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 3283 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 16

Therapeutic Touch

Hakkai and Gojyo have never felt so lost, and yet, at the same time, so
relieved.

Yes, they have their companions back, but do they really have them back? Or
are Sanzo and Goku so changed, so damaged, that they aren't even the same people
they once were? If not, what happens now? Doesn't that bring them back to their
original problem? If Sanzo and Goku are beyond saving...

But for the time being, they allow themselves to hope that perhaps everything
will be all right, and they are thankful that they had arrived at the tragic
scene in time to save Sanzo's life.

Sanzo's physical condition has remained stable, but they have no idea what to
expect from him regarding his still questionable state of sanity. Consequently, they have decided it best to place him under strict control and observation. His gun, of course, was consiscated, and his room contains absolutely nothing he could possibly use to harm himself or anyone else. As for Goku, he seems to be traumatized, lost somewhere inside his own mind, and nothing they have tried so far has been able to snap him out of it.

XXX

When Sanzo awakens, the first thing he feels is emptiness. So empty, that he
thinks he must be dead. He remembers wanting to die, wanting to be free. He
remembers pulling the trigger. He remembers...

Dying.

The next thing he feels is the pain. All the painful feelings he had temporarily escaped
from are back full force, with the same old wounds, and the same old ache.

Next, the realization of recent events sinks in. Horror. Shame. Guilt. What
has he done? What was he thinking?

Disappointment. Why couldn't he have just stayed dead?

Confusion. Why isn't he dead? What happened?

He sits up in bed, clutching at his chest. No wound. No blood.

Suddenly he becomes aware that he isn't alone in the room. He turns startled eyes towards the other presence.
Hakkai. Only Hakkai. Then that means...

Sanzo closes his eyes in silent dismay as he realizes what must have happened. Hakkai's voice
reaches him softly.

"You're awake. How do you feel, Sanzo?"

How does he feel? He feels... dead. His voice reflects this feeling, the words spoken in a flat, weary tone, tinged heavily with regret and disappointment.

"Why, Hakkai? Why didn't you just let me go?"

"Do you really wish you had died?"

"I did die. You shouldn't have brought me back."

Hakkai moves his chair over closer to the bed. For a moment he just sits
quietly, regarding Sanzo seriously. Finally he speaks.

"Sanzo, someone once said to me: 'You can kill yourself if you want to, but
your death will change nothing. However, there are some things that will
change if you are alive.' Now, who might have said that, I wonder?"

"Don't get cute with me, Hakkai. I'm not in the mood."

"Then, would you prefer I got ugly? That could be arranged, but the
results might not be very pleasant."

Sanzo slumps back down on the bed, turning his face towards the wall. A
moment of silence fills the room, until quietly broken with a question.

"Goku?"

"He's not doing very well, I'm afraid. He seems to be in a state of mental
shock. I don't know if it has to do with the length of time he was changed,
or..."

"It's not that. He was... caught in the attack. The Maten scripture."

"You attacked him?"

"No, not... not intentionally."

"I see. Then, I suppose we don't really know if he will ever fully
recover."

Sanzo's hands clench uncomfortably, his fingers gripping the sheet, as his throat seems to constrict painfully around a forced reply.

"He's strong."

"Yes, he is. But what about you, Sanzo? Will you ever recover?
I'll be honest and to the point. I don't know if you're aware of it, but
you're very sick. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally ill. Gojyo and I...
you've been lost to us, but now that we've got you back... we don't know if we can
trust you again. We can't trust you not to turn against us, not to harm others,
not to harm yourself, or... or even Goku."

"I won't hurt him again."

"No, you won't. And if you do, I'm afraid we can't stand for
it."

As if totally defeated, Sanzo's body seems to melt even deeper into the
bed.

"Sanzo, there's one more thing. We don't know what to make of it, but...
your chakra, when your life was restored, it vanished."

With this piece of information, Sanzo goes tense and sucks in his breath.

"Sanzo. Things may seem difficult, but we're here to help you get through it.
We won't give up on you so easily, so that means you can't give up either. I
think you're stronger than that. Besides, you'd be wasting our efforts if you
just quit. If you're willing to go through the process of recovery, if you're
willing to let us help, then maybe... just maybe you can get well again.
But you'll have to understand and accept that Gojyo and I will be watching over
you. You can't be trusted to be left uncontrolled right now. I'm sorry, Sanzo. I
hope you understand."

It takes a moment for Sanzo to work himself up to asking his next question,
and when he finally gets the words out, his voice sounds so weak, so broken,
that it takes Hakkai by surprise.

"Goku... can I see him? My lit... Goku."

"Yes. In fact, your name is the only word he's said. You seem to be about the
only thing he can focus on at all. So, probably it would do him good to see you.
We wanted to wait until you were awake first, and until I'd had a chance to
speak with you."

"Hakkai... I need... to see him."

"I'll bring him in now, then."

When the door clicks shut behind Hakkai on his way out, Sanzo hesitantly
touches his forehead. Nothing but unmarked skin greets his fingers. The discovery fills him with a terrible sense of emptiness and failure, of total worthlessness.

So, he is dead, after all. Genjo Sanzo has died, and now he is nothing.

XXX

Gojyo is sitting at the table, absent-mindedly shuffling a deck of cards when
Hakkai enters the room. Goku is just sitting at the table as well, staring
vacantly off into space. Gojyo puts down the cards to ask about Sanzo.

"So? How is he?"

"Quiet. Subdued. I don't know, I think it's too soon to tell. He wants to see
Goku, though. I think it would be all right."

At this, Gojyo turns to Goku, trying to put enthusiasm in his voice.

"Hey, Goku. Did you hear that? Sanzo wants to see you. Do you want to
go visit Sanzo?"

Immediately, Goku perks up.

"Sanzo?"

Gojyo reaches to ruffle Goku's hair haphazardly, before grabbing him by the arm and pulling him to his feet.

"C'mon monkey, let's go see the stinkin' monk."

XXX

When the three of them return to Sanzo's room, Sanzo has seated himself on
the edge of the bed. As soon as Goku catches sight of him, his golden eyes go
huge, and he just stares for a moment, as if he can't believe that Sanzo is
actually here.

Sanzo returns the stare, surprised at how dazed and out of it Goku looks, and
he feels concern gripping at his heart. Finally, without thinking, he reaches
out his arms towards Goku, and calls his name softly. Goku blinks, and in the
next heartbeat, quickly throws himself into Sanzo's waiting embrace, mumbling his sun's
name and whimpering against his chest, .

Sanzo looks down at Goku, and he wonders. How could he ever have thought that
that other Goku was so perfect? How could his way of looking at things
have become so distorted, that he could have lost sight of the truth so easily,
so completely? For now, looking at the boy he holds in his arms, he can't help
but feel that this Goku is the most precious, most beautiful thing that
he has ever seen.

Almost unconsciously, Sanzo finds himself whispering words of comfort,
resting his head against Goku's.

"Goku, my little Goku. Shhh... don't cry."

Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a look, totally not expecting to see this display
of affection from Sanzo. But he and Goku look so close together, desperately
clinging to each other, comforting each other, that they can't help but breath a
sigh of relief, and be glad.

XXX

As it turns out, Goku refuses to leave Sanzo, so they decide to risk letting them
stay together. Perhaps Goku needs Sanzo's presence in order to recover, in any
case. Perhaps it's for the best.

Left to themselves, Sanzo and Goku just curl up together, holding each other
close, and without thinking, Sanzo finds himself speaking to Goku softly in the
way he has become accustomed to during his insanity.

"My Goku, my little monkey, we still have each other, don't we? Even after
everything, and I won't hurt you again, never again. I know how wrong I was,
Goku. Nothing worked, and now all I have is you. I died, again, and I don't even know... who I am anymore, except that you're here. That's all that matters now, Goku. Only you. You have to help me, help me to learn how to live again, because I can't do it alone. We'll help
each other, now, okay? My little monkey, my Goku."

XXX

Over the next few days, Goku recovers, coming back to his senses, and soon,
he seems almost normal again, except for the fact that he's a little quieter, a
little more serious. But he has awakened to the world again, and all seems
well.

Even though Hakkai and Gojyo would prefer to allow Sanzo and Goku a little
more time to rest before heading out, they decide it best not to stay in town
for too long. The people here are disturbed and frightened over recent events at
the temple, and they would rather not run into any trouble. So ready or not,
they hit the road.

Apparently, Sanzo seems to have developed an eternal restlessness, constantly
fidgeting and on edge. He feels almost naked without his gun, which has not been
returned to him. Although he had himself destroyed the priest robe he had been
wearing when he and Goku had gone outlaw together, he now refuses to wear the
spare that had been left with Hakkai and Gojyo, opting for just the jeans and a
shirt. He smokes twice as much as he ever did before, made difficult by the fact
that he isn't allowed to keep a lighter on his person unless under supervision.
Hakkai and Gojyo don't want him trying anything funny with fire.

He's being treated like a criminal, and he feels like one too. It hurts, but
he knows he deserves it, after what he's done, and he has no right to
object.

XXX

A quiet night on the road finds the four stopped to camp until morning.
The next town isn't far, but they've decided to take it easy in order to avoid
any unnecessary stress.

Even so, Sanzo is unable to sleep, the restlessness eating away at
his mind. He tries to focus on Goku, lying close at his side, but gradually the
nagging emptiness that has been bothering him builds up into what seems like a
great chasm, a pit of nothingness that threatens to swallow him whole. It
becomes unbearable, until he just can't lie still anymore. Overcome by a sudden,
desperate urge to do something, anything, to fill this hole inside, he slips
away from Goku and quietly goes to search through the supplies, digging out a
knife. Almost without thinking, he sits in the grass, and starts to cut into his
arm. The sense of relief is almost immediate, until...

"Hey."

Gojyo.

Sanzo startles and momentarily freezes, feeling like a rabbit caught in
Hakuryu's headlights. Quickly, he snaps out of it, realizes what he's doing, and
hides the knife behind his back. He starts to stand, wanting to escape Gojyo's
accusing glare, but Gojyo's not having any of it. In an instant, Sanzo finds himself
restrained, pressed to the ground beneath the other man's weight.

Gojyo is looking down at him with anger and disapproval stamped hard on his
face. But something about Sanzo's expression makes him soften his glare. This
isn't like the last time, when he had confronted Sanzo about his self-injury
before. Sanzo's attitude is way different. This time, Sanzo is upset; disturbed
that he was caught in the act, uncertain as to his own behaviour. Gojyo sighs,
his anger chased away by concern.

"What are you doing, Sanzo, huh? What do you need this for? Is this some kind
of sick comfort for you? Or do you just do it for kicks? Huh? Is it the pain
you're after, or the blood?"

Sanzo makes no move to respond, just lying tense as if he would bolt as soon
as Gojyo were to let him up.

"If it's the pain, then I'm afraid you'll just have to get that little
addiction out of your system, unless you'd care for a good punch in the nose to
knock some sense into you. And if it's for the blood,
well, I can help with that. Anytime you need a fix, all you have to do is just
look deep into my eyes. There's enough blood red in there for the both of us. I
don't mind sharing. If it's for comfort, you can find comfort in so many other,
much nicer ways. I can help you with that, too. We're here for
you, Sanzo, whenever you need us. Always. It's about time you realized that. You're not alone in this world. Stop acting... like you
are."

Gojyo takes Sanzo's hand and removes the knife from his grip, tossing it
aside. Sanzo has his head turned away, avoiding eye contact, looking anxious and
discomfited. Looking down at his stubbornly averted gaze, Gojyo has the sudden
urge, the need, to get through to him somehow, to make him
understand that he isn't alone. He takes Sanzo's chin in his hand and turns his
face, wanting Sanzo to at least look at him, to acknowledge him.
Sanzo responds with rejection.

"Don't... don't touch me."

"Don't touch you? You mean I don't get a kiss this time? Why can't I touch
you? Are you that fragile, that you'll break if I touch you? Or am I just that
revolting? Or, or is it you, that you feel so poisonous,
you think anyone you touch is gonna get hurt? Is that it, Sanzo, huh? Are you
afraid you're gonna hurt someone?"

Sanzo is silent for a moment, and then he surprises Gojyo with a
confession.

"Gojyo... what am I? Who am I? I don't know anymore. I feel like... nothing. An
outcast, a failure. I can't... it hurts."

"So you want to cut the pain away? Is that it? Or do you still want to die?
Would that make you feel better? What would you do if I gave you your gun back
right now? Would you blow your heart out again, huh? Or would you make it the
brains this time, just for good measure? Would you do it right in front of Goku
again, while you're at it?"

Sanzo closes his eyes tightly, as hurt washes over him in waves.

"Yeah, you should be ashamed. You're sick, Sanzo. Sick inside,
and you're just gonna have to get used to living with it, cause we won't let you
take the easy way out. Besides, that's not like the Genjo Sanzo I know. The
Genjo Sanzo I know is as tough as nails."

"Genjo Sanzo... is dead."

"Funny. You don't look dead. Plus, I don't usually make a habit out of having
conversations with corpses. So, I'd say you're alive, and I'd like to make sure
you stay that way. So no more knives, okay? Remember what I said."

Almost reluctantly, Gojyo lets Sanzo up. Any urge to fight or flee seems to
have been taken out of Sanzo, and he just sits dejectedly. Gojyo sighs, making
himself more comfortable on the grass, and lights a cigarette, taking a long
drag. Wordlessly, he offers the cigarette to Sanzo, and just as wordlessly, the
offer is accepted.

Silently, under a rising moon, a single cigarette is shared between two
reluctant friends, one small act of comfort in the depths of the night.

XXX

The next couple of days are uneventful, and they soon arrive at the town.

As always, Goku sticks close to Sanzo's side, and the two are allowed to room
together at the inn. Sanzo's unease has been growing steadily, and he finds
himself unable to refrain from pacing across the room. Goku watches him
curiously, wishing Sanzo would just relax. At the same time, though, he has
learned to accept that Sanzo is different now, that his mannerisms have changed,
even as he himself has changed. They've been through too much damage just to
expect to go back to being the people they once were. Goku is okay with this,
and he doesn't even know if Sanzo is aware of it or not.

Suddenly, Sanzo throws himself down on the bed next to Goku with
exasperation, and then sits up and looks at Goku seriously. He has something
important to tell Goku, but when he tries to explain, he can only do so
confusedly, and Goku finds himself shaking his head in bewilderment as he
listens.

"Goku, listen, listen. When I died, something happened. I know you
don't remember your life at all before the cave, but the fortuneteller, what she
was helping me with was trying to figure something out, about my past life. Who
I was. Listen, Goku. In my past life, I knew you. We were together even then.
That's why we are together now. Do you understand? That person I used to be, his
name is Konzen, Konzen."

"Konzen?"

"Yes, yes. Maybe... maybe you don't remember him, but... but somehow, he's a part
of me... now. I don't know how, because we are the same, the same soul, the
same person, only different. How can there be two of me? I don't know,
Goku, I can't answer this, but I can feel his presence, inside. And I
know that there's a reason for it. Konzen has to do what I can't, because
Genjo Sanzo is dead. Dead. It's up to Konzen, now. You have to help him,
Goku, you have to help us both. Do you understand?"

"No."

Sanzo frowns in frustration, looking hard at Goku.

"Just remember what I've told you. I'm sure you'll know what to do when the
time comes."

"Sanzo, what do you mean you're dead?"

"I mean I'm not really a Sanzo anymore, so... so you shouldn't call me by that
name."

"Well, then what should I call you?"

"I don't know."

"Then... hey, does this mean I get to give you a new name? Cool!"

"Silly monkey. I'm not a pet that you can name."

"Well, you get to call me monkey all the time, so it's only fair. How 'bout I
call you..."

Sanzo looks at him doubtfully and somewhat sulkily, still annoyed with
himself for not being able to explain things clearly.

Goku is studying Sanzo intently, and as he does so, a fascinated, dreamy eyed
look spreads over his face, and he reaches out to touch Sanzo's hair.

"How 'bout I call you... Sunny. Or maybe... Shiny. Or, how 'bout just plain
Beautiful."

Sanzo looks away, a pink tinge colouring his scowling face. Goku laughs, and
Sanzo looks at him sharply, snapping out an irritated inquiry.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Cause for once I'm not the one doin' the blushing."

Sanzo frowns even harder.

"Silly, I'm not blushing."

"Oh, yeah? Coulda fooled me. But I like it. I'll hafta make you blush more
often."

Sanzo's cheeks flush a darker pink, and Goku giggles again, moving to lean
against him.

"Goku, can't you ever take anything seriously? I'm trying to be
serious at the moment."

Goku giggles yet again.

"No. 'Cause I'm a monkey, remember? You said monkeys aren't supposed to be
serious, they're just meant to have fun. Do you... do you remember the night you
said that? It was when you were hurt. You said lotsa other weird stuff, too,
and I didn't get half of it, but... you asked me to kiss you. I
got that part. I remember what else happened after that, too."

Goku looks deep into Sanzo's eyes, and is rewarded with another blush. In the
next instant, all the annoyance and frustration falls from Sanzo's face, and he
looks downcast, as if he's just given up on something, or remembered something
very sad.

"Goku, I'm...I'm not... I'm not the same person I was, before all this
happened. It's like... my soul is scarred, now. I died. Genjo Sanzo died. I don't
know who I am anymore. I think... I'm nothing now. I think I must be dead, Goku. I
think I must be dead."

Goku's teasing mood vanishes upon seeing how broken Sanzo has suddenly
become. He pledges silently to himself that he will make it his number one
priority to fix Sanzo, to make him whole again.

"Sanzo, you're hurting again, aren't you."

Sanzo just looks at him with pain filled eyes.

"Sanzo, I'll help take the pain away, but this time... this time we'll
do it right. I'll show you, that healing doesn't have to hurt."

Goku leans in to give Sanzo a kiss, but Sanzo pulls away quickly in obvious alarm.

"Goku, how can you... after what I've done... how can you even want to...
touch me, how can you ever trust me again? I've... I've had
your blood on my hands, Goku, and worse. I... I violated your
soul, when I changed you."

Goku just smiles.

"Shhh... Never mind all that, just let me make it better."

Again, he leans in for a kiss, and again Sanzo pulls away.

"No. I... I can't... Goku, my heart... my soul... there's nothing there but dead
space, and pain. I don't want to hurt you again."

Goku looks at Sanzo solemnly. Gently, he places his own hand on Sanzo's chest
over his heart.

"Sanzo, your heart is beating. I can feel it, I can hear it. I know you can
too. And maybe, maybe its true that every single beat feels like its tearing you
apart from the inside out, but hurts can be healed. Hakkai healed your heart
when it broke before. Together, you and me, we can fix it again. Your heart, it
isn't just an empty shell. Let me show you. All you have to do is let me in, let
me inside your heart, and I'll prove to you it isn't empty, isn't dead. 'Cause how... how could I... how could I... love something... so
much if it didn't even exist?"

Sanzo stares at Goku.

Love?
Love...
How could Sanzo have been so blind? All this time, was he so lost in the
shadows of his own inner darkness that he could not see the truth? A truth that
shines brighter than the light of a million suns, a truth stronger than the
revolution of a hundred worlds in orbit, a truth so powerful, that when it
finally hits him, it feels like a supernova of the soul. It feels
right. For once, something actually feels right.

For Sanzo and Goku, this is a moment of profound revelation, a moment when
worlds collide.

Sanzo, as cold, hard and dead as he believes himself to be, is still only
human. Humans are not made of steel, and even stone can break.
He's so tired of hurting.

Sanzo takes a ragged, shuddering breath, feeling more vulnerable and exposed
in this moment than he ever has in his life, as if Goku's golden eyes are
burning right through to his soul, and melting past all the barriers he's built
up around it. A single tear escapes from one violet eye, and streaks down one
pristine cheek, like an iceberg finally learning how to melt.

To Goku, this is the most beautiful sight he has ever seen. He smiles
warmly.

"See? You don't need to use blood to wash away the pain. That's what tears
are for."

Goku leans in again, lips so close but not quite touching, and Sanzo finds
himself holding his breath. He holds it for what seems like an endless eternity,
because this solitary breath is the only thing holding him together. In
this endless moment, there is only the beating of their two hearts, two broken
hearts, on the verge of bursting. And Sanzo knows that if he releases his
breath, then his heart will burst...

And he knows that if he allows his heart to burst, then Goku will find the
way inside, and he will not be able to stop him. He will not want to stop
him.

But Sanzo is only human, and no human can hold his breath forever.

Release.

Sanzo pulls Goku to him, and captures his lips in a kiss that is so much more
than just a kiss. And, as his Goku lowers him down gently onto the bed, Sanzo
lets his tears fall freely.

For he has let Goku inside. Inside his heart, inside his body, inside his
soul.

Without the blade or the blood, or the need to hurt, there is just warmth,
and touch, and two hearts beating as one beneath soft, scarred skin, and two
bodies striving to give as much as they gain. For once, pain is forgotten.

So the sun and his earth become one in the night, and for them, it is...

A whole new world.

If there is such a thing as perfection, Sanzo and Goku have finally
found it at last.
- 15
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My Sun, My Supernova