Come What May

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters. I am a part owner of Kyosuke, though.

NC-17

If you have time, please review. Thank you!!

Note: Hi kids – surprised ya, didn’t I? What do you know, I didn’t taking a freaking month to post. Like I said – interlocking chapters – even though I was fairly sloppy to begin with. Go Betas! (That would be Kri*Kri and AshCat by the way.)

Come What May is close to the end, but it keeps clawing at me to stay alive. Looks like two more chapters. I was supposed to be done at twelve. Go figure.

Verbose: (vər-bōs') adj. Using or containing a great and usually an excessive number of words; wordy.

Meanwhile, the threesome is driving me insane – so look for their slice of action coming up soon.

Er... Smut Ahead


Come What May


Chapter 16
The Sinner in Me


If I could just hide
The sinner inside
And keep him denied
How sweet life would be
If I could be free
From the sinner in me

I'm still recovering
Still getting over all the suffering
More known for my anger
Than for any other thing
But you've always tried
To be by my side
And catch my fall when I start to slide

**************************
It was early morning and, except for Maiko and I, the rest the household was still asleep. We sat on a bench together in Tohma's expansive, beautiful, and very private backyard. It seemed that both of us were having trouble sleeping and we had stumbled on each other out here amongst the koi pond and the carefully arranged plants. We had watched the sunrise together in silence and comfort, something of a rarity for either of us.

I was attempting to keep a low profile after the night before, hoping to avoid both adult Seguchi’s for as long as possible, but Mika most of all.

I did feel bad for waking them during the night. After Eiri saw Tohma placing the oil on my piercing, he had fumed the rest of the night with his jealousy, watching me with the intense gaze that let me know he was unhappy with me. He stayed that way until he had managed to get me to scream in ecstasy, numerous times, waking up nearly the whole neighborhood and leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind as to why I was screaming and who was making me scream.

Mika had been furious with Eiri, bursting into the room to berate him for using me to wake everyone in the house. I hid under the blankets in embarrassment as he lay there, bedding barely covering him from the waist down, smoking a cigarette, looking smug and sated as he ignored her every word.

Really, Eiri could be so possessive. It was cute in a psychotic kind of way.

Breaking out of my daydream, I looked to see my sister studying me. "What?"

She sighed, leaning against me. There was a hint of sadness to her now that permeated all of her movements and expressions. It was possible no one else would notice it, but I did. My sister hid it well, but she was definitely emotionally wounded and hurting.

Finally, she said, “Mika's asked me to stay here for a while."

"Has she? That's very nice of her," I answered quietly, although I admit I wasn’t surprised at the invitation, Mika had a way with emotionally damaged people. “It might be good you to take some time away and regroup.”

“Do you think so? I haven't decided if I should stay, but maybe you’re right," she replied thoughtfully.

“I do think so. Tokyo might be tough for you to take for a while.” I remembered my own blind sorrow in Tokyo after Eiri left me. I shifted on the bench slightly, willing away the thoughts of those days. Maiko’s ordeal had brought up so many bad memories for me; I would hate to see her go through what I did. The city held many temptations for the broken hearted.

After a few moments of quiet she asked, "Hey, when do you leave for Europe?"

"Next week," I answered. I was beginning to look forward to the tour, feeling the itch to perform again. I was also looking forward to seeing Hiro, Kyosuke, Miki, and even Suguru. I missed them all, but particularly Hiro.

"You are going to see mom and dad before you leave aren't you?" she asked accusingly.

Shrugging, I said, "I doubt I’ll have time."

"Shuichi," she pinched my arm, causing me to yelp in surprise. "You need to go see them before you leave. It’s already been over six months. It’ll be a year by the time you get back.”

I sighed as I rubbed my arm.

“Oh come, on! You've been in the hospital and on a wild rampage, mother's worried sick about you."

"Mother is worried about me? Our mother?” I rolled my eyes. "Worried about me, my ass, give me a little credit, would you?"

“Shuichi,” she said with a quiet seriousness. “She is worried and so is father. You have been through a lot and you practically cut us out of your life, mother, father, and me. You were constantly in the tabloids for your… wild adventures. How dare you not know that we’ve all been worried for you?”

“Those are tabloids, Maiko, they…” I began only to have her cut me off.

“But that’s all we knew!” She started to cry and this time she punched me in the arm. “We didn’t know if you would survive the next week you were so insane, we were terrified for you. If it hadn’t been for Hiro, Mika, and Tohma keeping us informed we would have all gone crazy with worry for you, you selfish prick! And now, all of a sudden you are back with Eiri, back with someone who hurt you so bad and then walked out on you. How can that be acceptable to you?”

“Whoa, Maiko!” I sat up and grabbed her hunched shoulders gently. “What is going on? I thought you were okay with Eiri and me being back together.”

“Part of me is, or was,” she sobbed out. “Before… before I didn’t understand what you were going through, but now, I do. Yes, Eiri brought you back to yourself, but he is still is responsible for being the one who initially hurt you. Aren’t you afraid, Shuichi? How can you not be afraid? What if he leaves you again? What if he hurts you again?”

My mind reeled in chaos to hear her questions. The same questions I’d feared so deeply were suddenly vocalized by someone else, and someone close to me at that. My first reaction was to deny it and to scoff at her. I mean, hadn't I been the one to hit and hurt Eiri? But he had hit me, too. But I didn't really hold a grudge over that horrible fight and my fall down the stairs. Did I? No, I had swung at him first that terrible night and with every intention of hurting him.

But the fight was secondary, really. What really hurt me was waking up to find him gone.

Blame or no blame, fight or no fight, was I afraid of Eiri?

He’d left me. He hadn’t even looked back to see me fall apart as he attempted his own self-destruction. He’d nearly killed both of us.

Was I afraid of Eiri?

And later, after the beginning of our reconciliation there had been the night he held me down and tore at my clothes. He was so furiously jealous about what I had done with Kyo, he had been out of his mind. Eiri nearly crossed a line that night and, truth be told, I had been terrified. And then there was the incident with the car…

There was no question and I tried to hide my shuddering as I answered, "Yeah, Maiko. There are times that I’m afraid of him.”

“Then how can you be with him?” she asked with her eyes wide a full of fear. “How can you be with someone you’re afraid of?”

I chewed on my lip. “That’s a good question, Maiko, but I’m afraid that I don’t have a good answer for you. I guess because it’s not often that I’m afraid and it's getting to be less and less of the time. And I know that Eiri is aware of my fear, he’s very careful with me now." As I said the words, I realized they were true, Eiri was careful. I smiled as I looked at her and said, “Besides, you know me, I’m not likely to go down without a fight!”

Maiko chuckled as she leaned back and stared at the sky, thankfully clear and blue for the moment. "I suppose that’s true, you do usually give as good as you get. But I have to be honest, I was worried you would say something like that."

"Why?" I asked softly.

A new wave of tears started as she said, "Because you're strong, Shuichi, and I mean physically strong. You, at least, have a chance of protecting yourself. I'm weak, and no matter how strong I work to become, a man will most likely always be stronger than I will. If you are occasionally afraid of the man you love, how do I ever stand a chance to get past my fear?"

I placed my arm around her and spoke quietly, "Because not everyone is like Daisuke. And you'll come to see that in time. There are good guys out there, too. Guys like Hiro, Kyo, and Sakano. Guys that look out for the people they love, without conditions or limitations, not self-centered creeps who use and hurt people.”

Leaning her head on my shoulder she said, "I wish I could find someone like you."

Shaking my head and laughing at her silliness, I answered, "Okay, first off, what you just said is very disturbing and wrong. And secondly, have you already forgotten? Daisuke is like me."

She sat up abruptly as she studied me closely before saying, "Is that what you think?"

I swallowed back the bile and met her searching, penetrating stare. "Okay, we're not completely alike. He's smarter than I am and I’m not as much of a geek."

"Why do you think that?" She reached out and grabbed my arm. "Shuichi, why would you think that about yourself?"

"I wonder," I replied as I gently touched the bruising around her eye. I swallowed again as the tears stung my eyes, “I gave Eiri a black eye just like this. And Kyo. Hiro, as well. I hurt the people that loved me the most. You see, Maiko, I am like Daisuke.”

“No, Shuichi, you’re not. You’re not like him at all.” She touched my cheek, wet with my own tears. And she hugged me tightly before she sobbed out, “I hit him, Shuichi. He was sleeping and I hit him in the head with a frying pan before I ran out of the house. I couldn’t even feel my injuries as hit him with everything I had. Shuichi, what has happened to us?”

The two of us held each other and cried as I said, “He told Eiri you went out for groceries.”

“NO! He wouldn’t let me out of the house. So I hit him and I ran…” She cried out.

"I should have been there sooner for you," I finally said as my self-loathing washed over me again. Maiko had been hurt, and I had not protected her. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shuichi, I’m a grown woman, why do you feel it is your job to take care of me?”

“Because you are my sister,” I whispered. “I’m proud of you, Maiko, you know that?”

“Why?” she sat back as she got her tears under control.

I chuckled. “Because apparently, it turns out that you are not bad with a skillet.”

She started to laugh. “Remember, I told you, Grandma taught me.”

“Grandma Shindou could wield a mean skillet. I’m so glad she was the one to teach you.” I hugged her once again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more help, Maiko.”

“Well, I know how you can make it up to me,” she smiled slyly as she sat back and brushed away her tears.

“How?” I asked suspiciously, as I rubbed at my own eyes.

“See mom and dad before you leave. If you do, they’ll be bearable for me to be around again.”

“Maiko,” I sighed again, “if I go, mom will want me to stay the night.”

“So stay the night. Take Eiri with you if you can’t bear to be apart from him.” She stared intently at me and gently touched a love bite on my neck before she added, “Although you might want to be aware that mother is still very angry at Eiri. I’m not certain what father is thinking, but I don’t think he’s very pleased with him either.”

“Oh good,” I muttered as I met her hopeful stare.

“Really, you can’t blame them for feeling that way,” she sighed. “Eiri really let all of us down when he hurt you. That’s not something they’re likely to get over quickly.”

“I seriously thought you were okay with him being back in my life,” I explained.

She smiled. “That doesn’t mean I wasn’t angry with him. He treated you very badly, Shuichi.”

“Maiko, you were the one to remind me that I’d hurt him, too,” I replied.

“You did hurt him. A lot,” she looked into my eyes and shook her head. “But he’s not my brother.”

Chuckling I answered, “Well, you could have fooled me. I always thought if you and mom could switch Eiri out for me, you’d do it in a heartbeat.”

“Well,” she giggled herself. “He is very hot, but he’s also kind of a bastard. I finally get what you were dealing with before. I should have been more understanding.”

After a few minutes she said, “So will you go see them?”

I sighed.

“Please, Shuichi?” she pleaded. “It will take some heat off of me.”

“All right, I promise I’ll see them. I can’t believe I’m being manipulated by my little sister.”

“I may be younger than you,” she smiled before she continued, “but I’ll always be older than you.”

Shaking my head, I said, “That makes a weird sort of sense to me.”

"To me as well," I heard Tohma's smooth voice behind us.

Maiko and I turned to see his genuine smile. "May I join you?"

"Of course," Maiko said as she moved over to make room for him on the bench we occupied.

I could see a light-colored bruise on his neck where Eiri had grabbed him from the night before. Something else I was responsible for, although I didn't feel too bad about that one. Even so, I blushed crimson as I remembered the incident during the night. Eiri could be such a...

"Maiko-san," he began as he sat down on the bench, “I thought it important for you to know that Miyamoto Daisuke has been 'relocated' to Korea."

"Korea?" Maiko said with surprise. "How?"

Tohma smiled, "I suspect he was offered a job he found difficult to... refuse."

"Really?" I asked, wondering how Daiskue had been 'relocated' so fast. Hadn't Tohma been sick when Eiri went psycho on Daisuke? And that was less than a week ago.

"Yes," he answered with a smile that revealed nothing. Turning to Maiko he said, “I hope his departure will help to alleviate some of your fears."

Maiko nodded and then sighed. "Some. Although it seems my school-life is over until next year. I was so close to finishing, too."

"Oh, I don't think that will be an issue," Tohma told her with a knowing smile. "I think you'll be able to finish without any problems next year. And at any school you want."

I looked into Tohma's determined eyes and realized that sometimes it's good to have connections with powerful demons.

My boss gazed over his lovely back yard for a few moments, taking in the crisp morning air before he continued, "So, Maiko-san, have you considered Mika-san's request to stay in Kyoto for a while?"

"I have," my sister answered. "But, really it seems to me as if I would be an added burden to her."

"On the contrary," Tohma reasoned. "Mika-san is quite fond of you. And your presence here will be of great assistance to her and to me."

I kept my mouth shut as I considered how much 'assistance' or ‘burden’ Maiko would be. Mika had a nanny, a cook, and a housekeeper. But then again, maybe the request wasn't about Mika.

"Or," I grabbed and squeezed my sister’s hand, "you could go with us, you know."

Shaking her head and laughing she replied, "I know. But I don’t think I'm up for that circus life right now."

"Circus?" I huffed at her insult.

"Yes, circus," Eiri said in agreement as he joined us. He had still had that sleepy look and I was certain he had just rolled out of bed; his clothing was rumpled, his hair was wild, he had unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and he still looked as if he’d stepped out of a wet dream. Sexy was part of Eiri's DNA. Handing me his lighter, he smirked at my drooling gaze of lust and adoration as he added, "If you want to stay in Tokyo, you can stay at one of our apartments."

“So many options,” she laughed again, a good sound. “Let me think about it, okay?”

“Of course,” Tohma said as he and Maiko watched me light Eiri’s cigarette. “There is no rush, Maiko-san. You can stay here for as long as you wish.”

“Thank you, so much, Tohma-san,” she told him as she smiled sweetly, her voice filled with emotion.

Standing up he announced, “Now, I’m off to locate some coffee. Someone will call you when breakfast is ready.”

“Huh, coffee,” Eiri grunted more than said.

“You cannot come into the house until you have finished your cigarette, Eiri-san,” Tohma smiled at him. “You must give up that nasty habit someday.”

“Not likely,” he grumbled in response.

“I believe Mika-san said something similar to me once.” Tohma’s look was challenging as he continued, “You might consider quitting for the ones you love.”

“Whatever,” he snapped dismissively as he glared at Tohma, daring him to say more.

Eiri never was much of a morning person.



We drove back to Tokyo the next day and the day after that we had our joint therapy session and my first one-on-one counseling visit. Maiko had decided to stay in Kyoto, and ever since I left her, I had felt sad and angry. I’d been having so much trouble sleeping, but I had been unable to put my finger on any one cause.

First, there was my immense failure to keep my sister safe. Maiko had tried to call me but I had ignored her, so selfishly wrapped up in my own life, I hadn’t been available for her. I had been useless to her. Every time I thought of my sister’s struggle, how quickly her relationship unraveled my, how quickly her boyfriend had became unhinged, my own fears surfaced again. It was frighteningly easy to look in the mirror and see Miyamoto Daisuke staring back at me.

We really weren’t so different, my sister’s scum-of-the-Earth-boyfriend and me.

I was so very ridiculous. I thought I had faced and conquered the fears of the past two years. The actual reality was that I hadn't faced anything. Sure I had gone so far as to acknowledge my mistakes, even apologizing to some people I had hurt, but had I really faced the demons that kept me awake at night?

Had I faced the fact that my 'other' personality, the horrible, manipulative side of me, the person who wrecked motorcycles and cars, who got into fights, did drugs and slept around was me. There was no malevolent demon possessing me and I didn’t have an evil twin brother. The person I referred to as 'that monster,' the person who went out of his way to hurt so many people that loved him was none other than me.

I couldn't hide behind "it wasn't me" anymore. It was all me. I didn't have a split personality or manic depression; there was no tidy medical diagnosis and no pills to take to correct my failings. I was Shindou Shuichi, Prince of the Tabloids, a violent man with a hair-trigger temper. I was bad news to all that were unfortunate enough to get close to me.

And I found that counseling only seemed to make the wound sting more.

To be honest, I don't think I had ever been so exhausted in my life as when I stepped out of that first individual therapy session. My head was pounding with my aching thoughts, thoughts I fought fiercely to hold at bay. My heart hurt as I struggled with the tentative grasp I retained on my denial. I felt as if I would lose my sanity if I allowed my terrific fears a foothold in my mind.

The therapist was Dr. Umeoka’s daughter so her name was also Dr. Umeoka. After a successful couples therapy session, Eiri and I had parted ways. He had been reluctant to leave me and I knew he was dealing with his own fears concerning my therapy, but thankfully, he hadn't tried to stop me. I think even he understood I had some things I needed to deal with. So he gave me an uncharacteristically sweet hug and told me he would be back to pick me up. Our joint therapist had called him back into the room as I made my way down the hall to my new doctor.

The waiting room held a painful surprise for me. As I sat down, I glanced at the pile of magazines only to see my own face staring back at me. It was an old picture and an old story. I was holding hands with that silly soap opera star I dated for a while. Sato was his name. The only reason I remembered him was that he turned out all freaky-stalker on me. He was so persistent that I ended up punching him a couple of times; I even broke his nose once. But the crazy guy kept coming back and making wild scenes until finally K intervened and put the hammer down. Literally. My insane manager had to threaten the guy with his gun to get Sato to stop hassling me.

Stalkers were a scary price to pay for being famous.

The headline read, "Shindou Dumps Yuki Again - Returns to His Wild Ways"

What the hell did they mean by “again?” Additionally, I was irritated to see that Kyo, Hiro, and Suguru were only a minor small-type blurb on the cover. How did I beat out a threesome?

Usually I'm able to ignore the tabloids, but, for some strange reason, I picked up the magazine and turned to read about 'me.' What I saw made my mouth go dry. There were literally pages containing pictures of men I was ‘connected’ with in my past. Some I recognized, some I didn't. And suddenly I was sick to realize I didn't know if they were all men I had sex with or not. What was worse, I knew Tohma had covered up a lot of stuff I had done and he had paid dearly to keep many people quiet. And by he paid, I really meant I paid, as he always billed me for the bribes under the heading “Work accomplished beyond normal the requirements of the contract.”

"Shindou-san?" I heard my doctor call softly.

I looked up and I saw her glance at the magazine in my hands.

Apparently, my psychologist felt it was not an auspicious way to begin a therapy session and she apologized profusely to me about the tabloid as we moved into the therapy room.

I didn’t blame her for the rag. After all, people enjoyed reading of the misfortune of others while waiting to spew out their own misfortunes. There was a song in there somewhere, but I wasn't feeling up to writing it. Maybe when I calmed down I could tell Eiri about it and he could use it in one of his novels about a character of loose morals.

"Shindou-san?" she said quietly to me. "Clearly you are upset about the tabloid, perhaps we should discuss it."

I shook my head, my heart constricted with agony as I faced once again what I was. I looked at the magazine one more time and then and rolled it into a tight tube.

"How does it make you feel?" she persisted. "Tabloids are meant for entertainment, Shindou-san. They are not known for their truths."

I met her concerned, well-meaning stare. "And what if it is true?"

"Well," she began, "what if it is? How do you feel about having your life under a microscope?"

"You're missing the point," I said, my voice brimming with Eiri-like impatience. "It's true. And how does it make me feel? How would it make you feel to be face to face with..." I hastily unrolled the magazine and found my 'pages' "Twenty-two men you slept with? Twenty-two! It makes me feel dirty, of course. Like a whore. And it should, because it's true."

"You feel that makes you a bad person?"

"Yeah," I snarled in response.

Then I had to hear about how I had broken down emotionally and sometimes when people break emotionally, they did crazy things to try to stop the pain.

Well, duh.

After that, we discussed various ways and outlets to assist me in “staying on track.” My martial arts and musical interests would help to keep me focused. I resisted the urge to point out that I’d had both during my ‘emotional breakdown.’

She asked me to keep a daily diary and send it to her once a week. We would then designate a weekly time and speak about my hopes, my fears, and my possible missteps. Eiri and I had been assigned similar homework to do while I was on tour and we were away.

Again, I resisted pointing out the obvious, that I had been a less than stellar student, and homework was not my strong suit. Besides, I knew it was utter bullshit, all a futile attempt at denial of what I really was. She was shamefully easy to fool, especially since Eiri wasn’t in the room with me, calling out my vague answers and white lies. I remained the good, compliant little boy, nodding and smiling in agreement, giving a completely false impression of sweetness and light, almost reveling in the fact that I was tricking her. I answered all the required questions with all of the socially correct answers, feeding back as much crap as I got.

Yet, all the while, I was holding back a tide of emotion. That bad tabloid article continued to haunt me and, for some reason, it threatened to break my fragile world apart.

I suppose I should have taken the shining opportunity to confide in my poor therapist. She was trying so hard and she really believed what she was doing with me would help; she didn’t deserve my insincerity. But I wasn’t ready for that level of intensity with someone I barely knew and certainly did not trust.

She seemed to understand my hesitation without the two of us actually discussing it because as I stood to leave she said, “Shindou-san, it takes time to establish trust in a relationship, you and I are just beginning. I don’t expect you to tell me everything right away.”

“Okay,” I answered as I considered that maybe the trust thing was something they taught you in shrink school. The other Dr. Umeoka preached it as well.

“And I will warn you that it takes even longer to re-establish a broken trust. You’ve been hurt emotionally and you’ve emotionally hurt others. Healing from that does not happen overnight.” Her eyes were bright with her fervor as they locked on mine. “Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are a good person.”

I nodded with a weak smile as I thanked her and then exited the room. After I closed the door, I leaned against it and smiled. A good person, huh?

She was so naïve.

It was actually not raining when I stepped outside of the building, but I didn’t see Eiri anywhere. I was certain he told me he would pick me up, but even so, I considered walking home. I needed to move, to burn off some energy, or go insane while my mind ate me alive.

Looking down at my nervously moving fingers, I saw that I continued to clutch the tabloid. I considered taking it back or throwing it away but instead, I inexplicably stuffed it into my backpack. I guess I considered the magazine my own reality check.

What really bothered me about it? Was it the number? I didn’t think twenty-two was that horrible for a pop star in only six months. Right? Although, chances were it might be more like fifty. Or sixty. There were a few… very wild nights in there.

A new one ever few days, sometimes two…

More like a hundred.

I flopped onto the sidewalk, placing my head between my knees as I fought the wave of nausea. A car drove up next to me as I tried to get my breathing under control.

“Hey! Get off your ass and get in the car,” Eiri’s sweet voice demanded of me.

The car was a loner from Tohma, an automatic luxury family car that allowed Eiri to drive one handed. It was a very plush, very comfortable Infinity sport utility vehicle with a dynamite sound system, but Eiri bitched non-stop about what a gutless, unresponsive piece of crap it was. He drove it as if it was a rental, driving over curbs and shrubbery just for the fun of it, explaining to me the whole time that the Infinity was really a truck and therefore, it deserved nothing less than to be treated as if it was a truck. Somehow, he had convinced himself he was doing the vehicle a favor.

He also smoked incessantly in it. Something he promised both Mika and Tohma he would not do. We hadn’t even left their driveway before he barked at me to fire up the lighter.

Eiri could be so predictably childlike.

I stood up and opened the car door. I leaned in, ready to tell him that I needed to walk, that I needed some time alone, but when I looked into his eyes, I realized I needed him more than anything else. I snapped my mouth shut and slid into the passenger seat.

He waved a cigarette at me and I lit it for him mere moments before he hit the accelerator and we raced out of the parking lot.

I caught him glancing over at me in curiosity before he finally asked, “Did you cry?”

“What?” I furrowed my brow and nearly shouted at him.

Shrugging he said, “Sometimes they can really get to you.”

“Nah, not likely,” I answered gloomily.

He came to a stop and turned his head, taking a closer at me. “Really?”

“Really.” I looked out the window. “But I did have to take some stupid tests.”

“Those are irritating,” he said as he shook his head dismissively. After a moment he asked, “What about inkblots?”

“Nope,” I answered with a sigh, closing my eyes as leaned back in the seat. “None of those.” I felt the car come to another stop.

“Hey,” I heard his voice, very close. Opening my eyes, I was surprised to see him hovering near me. “Are you okay?”

"Eiri..." I began, ready to spew out some sarcastic remark but when I saw the genuine concern etched on his face, I reconsidered my words. As I closed my mouth, I thought about it, I mean really thought about it. Was I okay? No, not really. Would I ever be?

A car stopped behind us honked its horn in frustration but Eiri remained motionless, holding me in his golden gaze.

"I don't know if I'm okay," I finally answered tiredly.

"Huh," was all he said as sat up, stuck his cigarette back in his mouth freeing up his hand in order to make a rude, dismissive gesture to the car behind us as he hit the accelerator.

After a few moments he asked quietly, "What do you want me to make for dinner?"

"I'm not hungry," I answered.

"Fucking shrinks," I heard him mumble before he said, "maybe we should go out, then."

"Eiri, stop being so nice to me," I said warningly.

He sighed. "Fine. All right. Maybe we should go out for dinner, dumb ass."

"I don’t want to go out, I don’t want you to cook. I told you I'm not hungry," I snapped at him.

"Are you saying you'll never be hungry again?" He shook his head before he said again, "Fucking shrinks. I was never hungry, either."

I didn't tell him that it wasn't the therapy visit that had me down, well, not entirely anyway, but I also didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. The tabloid had brought up some weird emotion in me that was too hard to put into words, not to mention the likelihood of a painful argument if there was a discussion concerning my past, so I opted to remain quiet.

When we got home, he did an unusual amount of hovering. I finally found myself unnerved by it and I attempted to hide out in the music room, trying to collect my thoughts. I sprawled out on the loveseat, my notebook in my hand as I tried to write some lyrics. All I had managed to put down was some half-assed line about feeling less miserable while seeing people in misery. I filled the rest of the page with random designs and doodles and I was absently coloring in one of my geometric designs when the door opened.

He didn’t say anything to me as he quietly cleared a space on the cluttered table to accommodate his laptop. He sat down and then began plunking away with his right hand.

Eiri was looking out for me and I had to admit there was a part of me that was happy for his presence. I was never happier about his tendency for limited speech then I was on that day. He knew I was feeling emotionally trashed but he gave me the space to deal with my internal issues, somehow knowing being physically close by would be enough.

I kept forgetting about his vast experience with pain. I was merely walking in his footprints each step of the way, as he had been down almost every road long before I had. But my reliance on him also was becoming an issue for me. What if I let him in and then he left me again? I didn’t think I could take it. I felt as if I was walking a tightrope and if I fell, either towards Eiri or away from him, I feared I would be lost. But I couldn’t quit him, I’d tried, in this very room, I tried and he... held us together. Because of that, could I trust him to stay? When things got difficult, would he continue to hold up his end of the relationship?

He was trying, that was easy to see, but I was still unsure, still scared that he would change, I would change, and our newfound peace would turn into the raging storm that was our relationship. I wanted him and I feared wanting him at the same time.

My thoughts tumbled through my head randomly, making me dizzy with ‘what ifs.’

Instead of facing my fear and talking with Eiri, I continued to doodle and he continued to plunk, the routine tasks soothing to both of us. I looked over at Eiri, pecking away at the keys. I guessed that not being able to write was getting to him. He needing his writing as much as I needed music, I understood that. After a while, I found myself beginning to relax, my eyelids heavy, as I surrendered to the comforting, homey sound of the sporadic keystrokes.


Later that night, after dinner, we talked. Eiri had found the tabloid and confronted me, head on, with what was bothering me. Just that easily, after a week of sleepless nights and two hours of psychoanalyzing, Eiri looked me in the eyes and told me exactly what was bothering me. It was almost freaky that he knew what I was thinking, before I had a chance to figure it out myself.

And then he told me that in spite of the fanboys, in spite of my bad disposition, in spite of everything I had done, he liked who I was.

Something inside me reset for a few minutes, flinging me back in time as I found myself crawling into his lap, tears falling with my pain and my fear as he silently held me. He didn’t feed me any bullshit promises that everything would be all right or try to tell me that I was a good person. He simply held me.

That was all I needed. He was all I needed.

I felt stupid that it had taken me this long to figure it out.

It occurred to me, as I sat in his lap and listened to his steady heartbeat, that Eiri had been through a lot of late. I was surprised he wasn't having a breakdown when I thought about it.

I had disappeared after making an ass of myself at the therapist’s office and he had hunted Tokyo to find me. True, his stinging words had set me off to begin with, but what had I expected? If circumstances been reversed and it had been Eiri who had come on to Tohma, there could be no question as to how I would have reacted. In all actuality, Eiri had taken it far better than I could have hoped.

Throughout the ordeal with my sister, he had been steady and calm, my anchor in the storm. Well, steady and calm after beating the snot out of Miyamoto Daisuke, that is. Although, in the past when I'd witnessed Eiri fly into a rage and go off on people, he did tend to be very focused. I suspected his thrashing of my sister’s psychotic boyfriend was methodical and thorough, possibly even something of a stress reliever for him. And afterwards, he had been so sweet and kind to Maiko, knowing exactly what to do for her.

After that came my attempted break-up. It was Eiri again who stayed steady, keeping us together with his sheer willpower and a smattering of groveling.

Then there was the arduous trip to Kyoto, I knew he didn’t want to go, but he went anyway and without complaining too much. He did it for Maiko and me. But then he threatened his father over me? My mind struggled with that scenario. Eiri had essentially told his father that I was more important than his family ties. I’d wanted that so much in earlier days, and now that he’d actually stood up to his father about me, I found myself to be confused. Sure, it was a little late, but wasn’t it what I wanted?

Shifting gently on his lap, I could feel his radiating warmth seep into me. It seemed as if I could feel his rhythmic heartbeat throughout my entire body. His soft breath caressed my hair and occasionally he would nuzzle the top of my head. He didn’t say anything; he didn’t need to as I listened to his body talk to mine.

He was tired. Emotionally exhausted due to the fight for us, hardly surprising considering what we had been through over the last few months and the last week in particular. I was startled, however, by the fear I felt from him. It seemed that my many disappearances had been hard on him. I had been the one who had been controlling our relationship, setting the rules, making him respond and chase after me, my guilt surfaced as I realized how unfair I'd been to him.

The fact that he had endured so much pain and remained with me spoke volumes. I was certain that if I had pulled any disappearing stunts like this five years, or even three years earlier, he would have walked away from me and never looked back. But now… his warm right hand rubbed circles on my back, allowing me the freedom to relax and feel loved, despite all the ugliness we had endured.

As I considered our strengths and failings individually and as a couple, I realized that his wonderful, unique smell of cigarettes, ginger, and Eiri, heightened with our combined body heat was beginning to, almost unknowingly, affect me physically. It was soothing and comforting and yet, I needed more of him, I needed to be closer to him, I needed him to want me, I needed him to possess me. I was pleased when I felt him resonate with my hunger.

“Eiri?” I began, knowing that I was asking for trouble if I headed down this road.

“Hmm?” he answered lazily, as his right hand slipped under my shirt and caressed my skin.

I asked about our date, wanting the trouble. I wanted to give him everything; I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I wanted him to know I was his, body and soul, and I would do anything to prove it.

I wanted him to know that I trusted him, at least a little. In return, I needed to know that I was wanted and loved. I suspected I would need a lot of reassuring as we went forward in our relationship.

So would he.

And when he searched my eyes and saw my open willingness, his demeanor went from gentle exhaustion to demanding sex fiend. That was okay with me, I was more than willing to accommodate him.

Suddenly, our sweet moment of comfort had turned into twisted, heart pounding lust. I was shaking with desire as I waited for him to give me his ‘price’ for going on our date. We both knew he would go on the date regardless of ‘payment,’ but that wasn’t the issue, was it? Tomorrow would be another story, but right now, I was his and he could do what he wanted. We both knew it. I did ask him not to be too weird, but I think that only got his imagination going.

“Strip,” was all he said

“Umm, here or in the bedroom?” I asked, as I got up and stood in the middle of the room. I could feel my cheeks flush crimson. In spite of everything I’d done, all my experiences since Eiri left, he could still make me blush with a single word.

He didn’t respond verbally but he gazed at me with an intense, smoldering lust that let me know I was in for some serious fucking. I wondered briefly, if perhaps I had made a mistake by agreeing to this probable kinkiness.

A striptease was what he wanted, was it? Well, although I was thoroughly embarrassed, I fell back on my performance skills, relying on all of those years of dancing on stage as I slipped off my clothing gracefully and without injury. Eiri patiently watched me, surprisingly content to let me move around like an idiot and give him an eyeful of me in my underwear. And as luck would have it, this day I opted to wear, of all things, a purple thong.

It was almost as if he knew what I was wearing.

“Hey,” he said.

I opened my eyes, unaware I had closed them.

He waved at my thong with his bandaged left hand. “What’s with those?”

Shrugging, I answered, “I have a bunch of them, they’re promotional items, but I hardly ever wear them.”

“Promotional?” he asked with an edge in his voice.

“Yeah,” I sat back and met his penetrating stare. “The whole band got them. It was the ‘Official Underwear of NG’ or something like that.”

“Is that so?” he asked again, this time with suspicion lacing his voice.

“Yes, Eiri, you can check with Tohma about it if you don’t believe me,” I gave him a knowing, dazzling smile. “So, do you like them?”

He glared at me. “Take them off.”

I peeled them off and waited.

“Come on,” he said as stood and held out his right hand to me.

Taking his hand, I followed him quietly to the bedroom. Once there, he turned to me and stood there, waiting.

I moved to stand in front of him, knowing already what his next request would be. I stared into his lion-like eyes as I unbuttoned his shirt. He loved to be undressed and I accomplished it very slowly as I touched, licked, and fondled every newly exposed bit of skin. He didn’t move and he didn’t help me in the least, but in his nakedness, there could be no question of his desire.

In fact, I found myself highly distracted by his cock. Of course, Eiri’s cock tended to be difficult not to notice, no matter what its condition, but I found myself dealing with an overwhelming need as I slowly dropped to my knees in front of him. It was that wonderful smell, the musky scent of an aroused Eiri was like a hypnotic drug to me and I found I could not stop myself from inhaling deeply as I grabbed his hips, nuzzling against his blond curls. I licked at him, my salivary glands going wild for the taste of him as I worked my way slowly upward, towards the tip of his cock and the nectar collecting there.

I had just managed a cursory taste when he stopped me. He gained my attention by threading the fingers of his working hand through my hair and pulling my head away from him. The saliva dripped from my disappointed tongue as I looked into his intense eyes.

“Get on the bed.”

I shivered at the sound of his voice, thick with lust. I moved to the bed, waiting for his next request.

“Face down,” he instructed me. “On your knees.”

Rolling over and sliding to my knees, I found I was practically shaking as I waited for the next words from him, fearing, and at the same time, wanting something a little freaky. He made me wait as he considered what he would have from me, or maybe, more likely, making me wait was what he wanted, knowing that the anticipation was agony for me.

An eternity passed before I felt him get on the bed behind me. I turned to see him settle himself on his knees, between my open legs as he met my gaze and said one word. “Open.”

I turned my head to one side and rested my face and shoulder on my pillow, freeing up my hands and leaving my lower half elevated. I felt my entire body blush as I reached back, grabbing my ass cheeks with both hands and opened them, pulling them as far apart as I could get without hurting myself.

Knowing Eiri was scrutinizing the sight of me in such a vulnerable position, I closed my eyes in shame and the odd feeling of enjoying the shame. I was startled a moment later to feel his breath on my taut skin as a single finger gently and slowly traced the length of my most intimate area, from the sensitive strip just beneath my balls to just above my entrance. A moment later, I couldn’t stop my trembling or my moans as I felt his tongue follow the same path his finger had just taken.

He licked the entire length once, twice, and then the third time he lingered at my opening, teasing the hole with the tip of his tongue. I tried to keep my body from writhing with desire. Suddenly he stopped, pulling back and I felt the bed shift again.

“Give me your hand,” he demanded.

Letting go with my right hand, I raised my head to see him uncap the bottle of lube. I gave him my hand as he poured a generous amount of the slippery stuff onto my hand. I looked at him questioningly, but he didn’t say anything as he flipped the lid shut on the bottle, dropping the lubricant onto the bed and then grabbed the cheek I could no longer hold.

I see. He wanted to watch. “Eiri,” I said breathlessly as I blushed again. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“Sure you can,” he said hoarsely. “I thought you wanted a date.”

His desire was evident in his dilated eyes and there could be no question as to how much he wanted this. I glanced at my fingers, glistening and dripping with excess lube, the overflow sliding onto my hand. This would be messy but I shifted my knees wider as I let my slicked up hand slip underneath my body and between my thighs, touching lightly the sensitive flesh just below my balls.

I could hear Eiri’s quiet groan of hunger as he watched.

My fingers slid in between my cheeks and found their mark. I let my fingers swirl around my hole, teasing it, coating it with lube. Then I slipped the tip of my middle finger in and out several times waiting for a reaction. Eiri didn’t say anything, but all I had to do was at him to know his thoughts. His eyes were riveted to my ass, watching my finger intently. Good. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all. How could I not love seeing him consumed with lust for me?

I did his unspoken bidding and plunged my finger in as far as it would go, moaning with the pleasure of being on display for the one I loved, knowing that I was doing something so nasty to gratify him.

“More,” he breathed at me.

I slipped out one finger and replaced it with two, sighing with the feeling. I twisted my wrist and opened my legs as far as they would go sliding my fingers in and out. It didn’t feel quite as good as it was when he did it, but still, I found myself immensely turned on. I picked up a rhythm and increased my speed.

“More,” he whispered, urging me on as he nipped at my ass.

And I added my ring finger and began to pant as I fucked myself rather ruthlessly, loving it. The air in the room was thick with smell of sex and sweat and we were both breathing hard with our desire.

“Now, all of them,” he demanded this time.

“Fuck…” I hissed, nearly coming at the sound of his request and I obediently added my pinky to the other fingers. Using four fingers was tricky. That silly little finger always had the tendency to slip out easily, so I had to limit my in-out motion. Even so, I was full, stuffed as I spread my fingers inside. Eiri’s hand let loose of me and I heard the bottle of lube open again. I felt, slick, cool lube as it poured over my hand and then the bottled snapped shut again. His hand touched mine for a moment and then his right hand closed over my erection.

“Eiri, don’t!” I cried out. “You’ll make me come.”

“Oh, I don’t think so,” he whispered seductively as his fingers tightened on me, stopping my approaching orgasm.

My body reacted to his voice and his touch. I groaned with what was almost pain as he yanked me back from the edge of pleasure, making my disappointment complete.

I was still shaking when I felt him pull my fingers free. He gently repositioned me on my back as my breathing returned to normal. I felt Eiri’s tongue on me, licking me everywhere except where I wanted. It was very erotic and frustrating at the same time as he teased me mercilessly. Once he was done, he moved my compliant body once again onto my left side and then he lay down behind me, stretching out his useless hand above us so he could use his elbow for leverage. And then he pressed his cock into me, deeply. In spite of my recent ‘show’, it was still difficult taking him all in one push; his impressive size was far longer and wider than my fingers.

I cried out with pleasure and he groaned appreciatively as he stretched me wide open with that monster.

Once he was completely in, he nuzzled my neck before he said, “Are you hurting?”

“Hell no,” I managed to say as his hips backed away from me and that amazing cock began to move, splitting me open, gloriously fucking me with long, deliberate strokes. I tried to speed his movements by rocking my own hips but he stopped me by looping his right arm under my right leg. He pulled my knee almost to my ear, leaving me nearly helpless, as he pressed deeper into me with agonizing slowness.

“Eiri…”

“Shhh,” he whispered as he pulled almost entirely out, only to push in again at a snail’s pace.

“Oh god, I can’t take it this slow,” I growled lowly as his cock grazed against that spot again.

He did not answer as he kept his slow motion crawl.

“You are a sadistic bastard, you know that?” I panted at him as that magnificent cock slowly tortured the inside of my ass.

He bit my shoulder again, hard enough to mark me and make me moan.

“Stop complaining,” he said as he licked and then kissed at the bite. He really does like to bite.

Lost in my passion, I suddenly blurted out, “But I want you to fuck me harder, like…” I stopped as soon as I realized how vulnerable the next words I almost uttered would make me.

“Like… what?” I could hear the curiosity in his voice.

I closed my mouth. Sometimes I was amazingly stupid.

He changed the angle of his thrust slightly to brush against my prostate harder. He dropped his voice lower and whispered, “Like an animal?”

Shaking my head, my body arched backwards against him, trying to urge him faster.

He nipped at my ear again. “Or, like I own you?”

This time my whole body shook in reaction to his words and his slow, calculated strokes.

His right arm griped me in a bruising embrace as he caught his breath, “I see.”

I moaned in response, my passion building, but I did not answer.

He announced smugly, “I do own you.” He leaned on his elbow and wrenched my knee higher, thrusting into me with a brutal shove. “Say it for me.”

In spite of his previous insistence of going slow, I noticed his movements had increased their speed.

“No… I,” I don’t belong to anyone! I wanted to shout, but I knew it was a lie. Eiri would know it was a lie as well, especially considering how my body was already well on it’s way to betraying me. I could feel my orgasm nearing steadily in response to his words.

“Say it,” he crooned seductively. “Shu…i…chi.”

Using my name was a cheap tactic, but it worked. “I… I belong to you, Eiri,” I finally said as my face turned crimson with the feelings of love and shame. And to make matters even more humiliating, as the words of weakness left my mouth, he grabbed and stroked my cock, pushing me even closer to the edge.

Interestingly enough, after my declaration the pace of his thrusts increased again and finally, he pulled out completely and pushed me onto my back.

“Up,” he demanded.

I raised my hips to give him better access, at the same time both hating and loving my total surrender. He shoved inside me again, his right hand holding him up as his left arm looped around my right leg and used it as a way for him to keep his balance. His strokes were dark, fast, and deep and, if I didn’t know better, I would say my submission affected him almost more than it had me.

It was what he needed, my submission. And to fuck me for what felt like an eternity, changing positions half a dozen times, pushing me to the edge of ecstasy only to pull me back at the last moment before I could come. Again and again he took me to the precipice, until I was delirious with pleasure, and begging him for release because I couldn’t take anymore.

And it was what I needed because in spite of his teasing and having his way with me, he showed me complete love in every movement, focusing on me exclusively, almost as if his entire world hinged on me, on my body, and on my pleasure. He was expressing his love for me in the way he knew best, the way both of us knew. When we were like this, in the throes of passion, there were no lies and no deceit between us; we were open, bare, and vulnerable.

As we made such intense, trusting love, we swept away all of the pain, fear, and uncertainty. And for a while, as our individual worlds totally centered on one another, we could be content with the knowledge that nothing could ever separate us again.

And later that night, for the first time in over a week, I slept soundly, wrapped in his warm, comforting embrace.


TBC


Lyrics for The Sinner in Me by Depeche Mode