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Heh Killua	By : Dadou Category: +G to L > Hunter x Hunter Views: 4595 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Hunter x Hunter, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money for the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
I've been with writer's block x.x I wrote everyday bits of this chapter but it didn't satisfy me, it was awful. Finally it came to light and now here it is.

It is a long chapter. I think this is the longest I'll manage to make a chapter. Do tell me if its uncomfortable for you to read chapters this long, and advice me if I should split them or if its ok as they are ;)

I promised I would warn on contents so, again, this chapter does contain implied and non implied sexual abuse. The treatment is much milder though than in chapter 10. This is because I wanted to portray the coin's other side of last -enlivenment-chapter, detachment. It is already present in different degrees in many other episodes,particularly because it's one of the two poles in between which subjects to these situations oscillate drastically, with problems in the mid ground. I also bring you again Nanny to reveal important details to the case. She will be forgotten for some time after this though to move on the plot. There is good news: Soon I'm taking you out of this ship it seems ^^

I leave you with My Love, by Sia. I love it's almost lullaby quality...

Enjoy :)

Chapter 16: x Night Wanderer x

Tonight you will sleep for good

you will wait for me…my love...

Now I am strong

you gave me all

you gave all you had and now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind

Beat inside me…

Leave you blind

my love, look what you can do

I am mending, I'll be with you (8)

Sia, My Love

"Keep singing nanny"

The seven year old turned on her lap to look at her."Pweaaseee" He said cheekily. His eyes taking the hue of the shade of the trees where they sat. She held him tenderly in her arms as she worked on his sneaker.

He'd been running all day everywhere, taking the summer haze in his skin and scraping his knees. Somewhere along the day he had made an awful lot of knots in his shoelaces, resulting in a tangle of proportions. She was patiently undoing one by one as she hummed.

"Let me try" he said insistently.

"Oh, but I think that with your small hands you'll loop this even more" she laughed.

"Then sing it again…please nanny" he rested against her.

The twenty year old girl smiled and begun again. The trees lulled softly in the warm breeze…the summer smells of brand new leaves and jasmine haze floating just above the grass blades... He rested his head on her collarbone.

"Little master, don't close your eyes" she advised affectionately. "You'll fall asleep, and then you'll miss when our friend comes in to eat the food"

He shook his head to clear himself. But then looked at the thousand knots in his sneaker.

"We'll never finish!" he pouted "...we'll be here forever...My shoelaces are dead, they won't ever be useful again" he murmured darkly. "I want to play with my videogames"

"And go inside in this beautiful day!"

Nanny laughed heartily unheeded to his cheeky gloom. Fondness gleamed in her gaze as she untied another knot. "Do you remember that day when we tangled my hair so-so much it was a mess?"

"Yes." The boy conceded a faint smile "You were aunt 'it'!" He murmured mischievously.

"Indeed I was!"

The small albino giggled

"But little master, did I crop my hair?"

"Noooo! Don't ever do that nanny!"

She smiled "Look at it today" her long honey hair fell over her shoulders like a beautiful wavy curtain. "Every tangle can be untangled" she lifted a finger.

"But your hair is soft!" he chirped. "Like Chipper's." he raised his head "I bet he won't come today. He's a wuss and frightens easily"

"He always comes." She said lovingly "He just takes his time. Besides, we brought all this food for him!"

The squirrel was still nowhere to be seen though.

"What if we go to see the wolves? They're definitely more rock star and-"

But he interrupted himself. Killua's eyes darkened. His young childlike features lost all trace of emotion.

"Come out" he voiced. Yes. Someone of his family was there, he just didn't know exactly who.

A fat boy came out from the underbrush looking distrustful. Nanny inwardly sighed. She noticed little master was relieved only by the way his shoulder blades relaxed against her. Killua asked shyly.

"What do you want Milluki" distrust to his tone.

The fat child smirked at this.

"Guess what. Brother wants to see you"

Killua stared in silence perplexed. He looked at those piggy eyes confused.

"Which…brother?"

Milluki giggled stupidly. "You know which one! ... Brother" he stared at Killua's reaction with vile expression. Little master had tensed in her arms again, but did not give anything else away. He dismissed him nonchalantly and looked at nanny.

"It's my free day! There must be a mistake". He protested his clear capricious child voice she loved so much.

Nanny was about to speak when Milluki did so first, with a disgusting smirk plastered in his face.

"Maybe it's because you need more training" he gave a bite to the cookie he held in his hand, and swallowed watching intently Killua from afar. "After all, I heard someone cried like a baby in the last training session with mother" he said with an evil glint on his little piggy eyes.

Nanny only saw the silver blur and felt an absence in her arms. And then, in front of her a little master over a tumbled down Milluki. With anger he was ferociously punching the elder boy who was twice as big as he was.

"Killua!" she rose.

But again and again his fist dived to the stupid grin Milluki still held, even as he was now biting dust. Nanny ran.

"Killua!" She grabbed the seven year old albino by the back of his t-shirt. She lifted him even as he gave another punch into the air.

He was so light…

"Leave me nanny! I'm going to kill him!" with strength he lost himself from her grasp and launched forward again.

"No you're not!" she said firmly and lifted him again by his shirt. Then, she looked at Milluki "you obnoxious child" she extended a stern pointing arm" go away"

Milluki stood shakily, as he cleaned dirt from his face.

In her grasp, the pale boy yelled crossly

"Die you-you blubber! You don't know anything!"

Milluki glared.

"Crybaby!" He yelled and ran away immediately.

Killua again launched forward in Nanny's tight grasp

"Little master!" she alleged sternly holding him. Killua slumped in her grasp. Nanny sighed and slowly let him down. She knelt in front of him, taking him by the shoulders. He looked to the ground.

"Little master, had I had a water hose near me, I would have sprayed you two with cold water. But you are not rabid puppies, are you not?"

"No… I'm not…"

The seven year old was cast down.

"I'm sorry…"

"Hey, little Killu…" she held his shoulders. But he interrupted her shyly

"I have to go nanny…Brother..." he exhaled and looked up to the skies "How lame!"

"Killu, we still have aaaall the weekend to do whatever we want. We can go riding Mike" But the boy lowered his head again, not convinced. Nanny stood in silence. But then she bent over in an accomplice tone "ooor I could take you to go skating to the town"

The boy swiftly looked up "you can?"

"I could ask" she smiled warmly.

Killua looked down and kept silent.

"It's not true" he mumbled.

"What is not true?" she spoke gently.

"What he said…I never cry" but he didn't look up.

Nanny took a strand of his silver hair and placed it properly behind his ear, with care.

"Oh that. You see, even if it was true, it doesn't matter much" she shrugged. Paying attention with subtlety to his reaction.

"No?" Killua looked up, surprise in his demeanor.

"No, it doesn't at all. You can always cry whenever you want if you feel like it and it'll always be fine" she stated simply as if it was a known obvious saying. "Otherwise it wouldn't be healthy and you turn fat" she shrugged again. Then, she drew near lowering her voice "he calls you these names because he is a little jealous" she nodded emphatically

"Really?" he said dumbfounded

"I'm pretty sure" she smiled

"Why? I would happily give him my place!"He said with anger.

He didn't look up, just thinking in walking back too Illumi's room made him so frustrated-stupid Milluki! Put yourself in shackles then! - When he found himself in Nanny's tight hug…

He relaxed.

At those moments he liked to imagine that he was a cat.

"Uuupsy daisy" she lifted him, letting out laughter like crystal chimes "aaaah I spoil you so much!"

She eyed him with care. "I'll bring you inside little one"

"I don't want to go training! I don't-I don't-I don't" He slumped against her.

"But meanwhile you do, I'll go ask about our going-out to town skating" she said with kindness "how about that?"

Nanny was the best.

Almost hiding Leorio watched from a distance as Gon and Killua sat devising a net to catch seagulls. It seemed the plan was to catch as many as they could...After having caught and tied all seagulls one by one they were now attaching to their feet the almost hundred messages Gon had printed and scribbled.

There was a variety you see. Short stories, invented jokes, quite a few with wonderful pictures they had taken themselves of the things they'd seen on their adventures. The majority though were nine gags.

You're kidding me- the albino had said skeptical...But yeah, the idea was that someone on the globe would read it via seagull. It seemed Gon had been like really uber-bored.

Kurapica approached Leorio. "You're kind of hiding….from them?" the blond raised one eyebrow.

Downstairs Killua's pocket vibrated yet again.

"I don't want to bother them" Leorio spoke softly against the glass pane in front. Even though they probably wouldn't have managed to hear had they'd wanted too. He stood one floor above them, gazing down at the smaller hunters through the huge windows of the bar, which faced the deck. The fog made it looked darker than what the hour suggested. That had made the place somehow more crowded.

"Come" He felt a hand tugging his arm gently "To the tables over there. It's not like they're going to look up anyway" The blond pointed the tables by the huge window panes.

Those too probably created the same effect wherever they went: you wanted to protect them, to help them, to side with them; they stuck to your fondness worse than gum to your shoe.

Kurapica was right; the bar was the perfect place to speak at ease without losing track of their younger friends.

'Answer'. That was the one word printed in the small cell phone screen. Killua's wary expression staring at the gadget was missed by Leorio as this one followed the blond to the tables. He also missed how Gon was about to attack an unsuspecting albino from behind.

As Kurapica sat across him in the window's reflection, Leorio caught on the struggle below, how someone had tackled the other, and somehow they'd become a mangled chaos of nets, seagulls and arms… The image gave you a minute of commiseration.

Poor seagulls.

They asked for drinks.

Just an hour ago he'd been with Killua in the room. Attached to as much promises as he'd never given before… Kurapica sat across him, with questioning eyes.

Elaine was knelt in front of a small cabinet that held his entire books. She was arranging the child stories by color, quite neatly, when she stopped all movement in a violet one. Without raising her face, she smiled faintly and voiced

"Come out little master"

The small boy emerged from one dark corner. He held an apple, which he tossed and grabbed in the air with handiness.

"You caught me" he chirped. And tossed her the apple, which she caught with a beautiful smile. He immediately grabbed the book in nanny's hand and turned its pages, as he walked nonchalantly to the nearby sofa. He sat himself upside down and let the book fall to the ground. He looked at the fallen object bored.

"Nanny" he said plainly "Kanaria… she told me she can't be my friend" he said impassive, trying to reach for the ground, upside down as he was. "I did ask her as you said" His hand tried to reach for the floor again, bored, as his hair fell upside down from his head. Any moment now, the sofa would turn over out of gravity.

He smiled faintly, tilting his head "I'm bound to have no friends Nanny"

She closed her eyes.

"She can't" she conceded hiding the heaviness to her chest. And knelt as she was she caressed the soft tresses of hair away from his face. "But that doesn't mean you don't have friends" she replied.

The smaller boy looked up shyly at the unspoken vow.

He met her honey eyes, her confidence.

He closed his eyes and did a swift summersault to land nicely on the floor. There, he rolled himself to hear her with attention, sprawled as he was in the ground.

Nanny proceeded "It doesn't even mean you won't have even more" her eyes lit knowingly as if she'd gotten an idea, but the boy interrupted her.

"Nanny, then you're my friend…" the small one mused resting his elbows on the floor.

Nanny observed him. She suddenly launched to tickle him, as she always did when he was getting too serious.

"Stop! Stop!" He finally laughed against his will.

"Of course I am! I'm your nurse, your nanny" And then spontaneously the young girl grabbed his small hand and drove him out.

"Now I'll show you how you can meet other friends" her voice rose with enthusiasm as she opened the door "follow me!"

That day they had met one of his many new friends, Chipper the squirrel. Because no one talked about animals when specifying the prohibition…

Killua soon suggested for their next animal friend, one of the wolves of the mountain. Nanny had accepted charmed

Sometimes there's a certain unspoken tension when you don't know what to order in front of someone. Paranoia makes you think they will guess something wrong from you, get the wrong impression based on your liquor tastes.

Well, that was non-existent between them. They were too familiar to honor the uncomfortable usage as they ordered the same as always. The waiter greeted them with the usual small talk.

But as Kurapica and Leorio were left behind, an inverse awkward silence did follow. Deep blue eyes met his own... Oh, he was going to begin with a round of those analytical impassive questions instead of letting him explain-… He stopped his own thoughts at that. For starters, explain what, he wasn't sure. He didn't know how much he could ascertain of the confusing incident himself…but he looked up to meet the questioning gaze.

"They won't listen now, so… here we are" Kurapica tilted his head

"Yes" Leorio waited. He straightened in his chair, prepared for the cross exam as if he was a doctor. He saw Kurapica sigh. The blond crossed his hands.

"Are you ok?"

"Uh?"

The first question and he was already unsettled. Maybe that was what made Leorio nervous. Kurapica, being as brilliant as he was, came up always with unexpected reasonings.

"You…had it pretty rough in there no?"

So Blue eyes was truly worried. Leorio sighed.

"You would guess…" He shook his head "I felt like… working on pin and needles with my heart at my mouth, yes…" he let out sincere.

Just then the bartender brought their drinks. Polite thankyous and 'anything else' 'no', and the uncomfortable silence seeped up again in the table area. Awkward. The next question that floated in the air was the gracefully damned 'what happened'. But Leorio impatiently went ahead.

"Kurapica, what did you hear exactly?"

"…I'm quite lost…" he confessed."As I told you, I walked out of the shower, minding my own business" he emphasized" then I went inside the walk-in closet and that's when you entered."

"You forgot the part about being naked" Leorio deviating... But Kurapica ignored the obvious mental image Leorio now entertained as he proceeded.

"Then Killua asked you if I wasn't in the room… And well, frankly, you sounded so convinced I was at the other side of the giant cruise, I didn't dare come outside naked and say 'hey pals what's up? Shall I leave?' "

"I thought you were on the deck, helping the people…"

"I guess you didn't see me abandoning the place" The Kuruta took a sip of his drink. He proceeded softly "Leorio, I do understand though that I clearly stepped into something that wasn't my business…" he paused, profound eyes sweeping the table without truly seeing it, before they rose "and in another situation I would really try and pretend I didn't hear anything, because that is my morale. But… this is a different case. After that I…. need an explanation…"

Silence.

"After all…you offered to check Killua's …. Wounds?"

"…Yes…"

Leorio did not comment any further though. He didn't know what to reply… Kurapica sighed and settled evenly his elbows on the table, understanding. His voice a silky even flow of words.

"I thought at first that he probably had just fallen or had a minor accident. But then, well, you talked about stitches. Of stitches and of how he'd been carelessly training when he should have been resting." A golden eyebrow rose. "So I concluded quickly that I hadn't learned all the facts of what had happened a week ago" His voice unfolding smooth as gauze.

"…yes…he was hurt"

"But" Kurapica said gently "I think it's more than hurt, wasn't it? You told him you would check the other wounds…And I thought to myself 'oh, so there are more'… But the longer you took… I-and the words you chose, "now your back", "now your arm", ribs, cuts… and stitches... and wrists…"

Leorio looked at his glass as he nodded.

He felt enveloped in the silence-bubble of a diving helmet.

"…so I got it right"

The doctor nodded faintly.

It was much easier to hear Kurapica's reasoning and just nod or dissent than to form his own...judgment regarding his last week. Not that he'd had much to dissent to, clever as the guy in front was...

The low lights of the bar gleamed in the window pane, the same color of his friend's hair.

"…So you were helping him. In the room." Nod "But then I really didn't understand what was going on…. he…" Kurapica hesitated. Leorio drank from his glass and observed Kurapica's frowning clear eyes.

That.

The Kuruta seemed to rephrase two times in his head "Ok. My conclusions are scarce. I didn't understand what was going on in the situation. I just assumed that you had done something wrong with the stitches, or spilled the alcohol. But then Killua, he reacted…" Kurapica hesitated.

Now the silence was thick. Leorio settled his own glass on the table to cut softly its density. He exhaled

"…I believe he had a panic attack of sorts"

A matching silence followed…Yes, their smaller Zoldick.

Kurapica searched Leorio's eyes "...That is what I thought" He replied dryly, with certain difficulty to believe his own rationale. "I still don't know how he was hurt. But he silenced you didn't he"

Leorio looked again outside. So that's how long it had gotten Agatha Christie here to reason out all. Some twelve minutes?

And that's how long he'd been able to keep his promise to Killua.

"How long have you been helping him? How long ago was he hurt? What happened to him?" The question mark raised his voice with each new doubt. But then the blond seemed to backtrack. "No, I am… sorry really, it is not my business, Killua came to you after all-"

"He didn't"

Kurapica stared at the doctor who shook his head in silence. .

"...But Kurapica...Before, you were right… It is his business."He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "It's understandable for you to ask me all this after the room incident… but you heard him explain though, how torture in his past did take its toll and all… so his reaction, it's reasonable... All this…I'm sorry Kurapica but it's Killua's business. I feel uncomfortable talking about this without him so... let's settle it at this and talk about something else" he drank from his glass deeply.

"Somehow though bringing him here doesn't seem the best idea no?" The blond examined him. Leorio closed his eyes.

"But anyways... It is Killua's business..." Kurapica echoed softly.

"Yes"

"Mmm" Kurapica drank. Apparently not satisfied. He looked up.

"But Leorio...what would you do if you knew it involved something serious? That, say, involved his life?" he spoke plainly.

Leorio choked. The blond bore a deep unblinking stare. Until he exhaled. "Leorio, you really don't need to cover him up anymore…" Kurapica looked outside. His expression had softened.

"Uh?" The doctor thought he heard wrong.

"I… already knew before this incident, that- … Well I think I was sort of… testing you… that is why-" he almost talked to himself as if questioning his own reasons but was interrupted

"Testing what, wait what, you know something?" Could he possibly know how to help Killua, could he possibly have a clue about what happened-

Kurapica sighed "I already knew that Killua's life, at a moment, was threatened" he exhaled, taking in Leorio's shock with certain regret "and..." Kurapica exhaled

"I actually believe it still is...so… I guess we don't need to change the subject."

Killua chewed gum incessantly as he rolled over the deck in his skate.

I knew you would answer

He'd tossed again the cell phone to one of his baggy pockets. A huge gummed bubble popped against his lips and he chewed again. Soon enough though, he spat out the gum with dexterity into a trashcan as he tried another skater's moved. He tossed another bubble gum to his mouth and chewed again.

He was passing the day just doing what Gon send him to do, dismissing easily what awaited like the gallows at the edge of the day. Gon meanwhile sang easily in the background of his mind...

Anyways, they'd tried doing so much that week he could even forget all of the other night.

Yes. Yes. Yes. For example, two days ago they'd gone out in the dark to explore the nightly jungle. They went from island to island on Snow, their now adopted nightingale (imagine the awesomeness of that). They had ended up running on the back of those huge double headed wolves on what they now called Gin's island.

...When Gon had finally decided to tell him the story of his personal wolf adventure, his lit up expression... well it was priceless...

The coarse wolf hair tangled against his fingers as he rode the giant beasts, the wind against his eyes and he felt certain form of bliss…

Of course he wanted to remain unmindful to the fact he was playing with fire. The 'tell anyone and he dies' amongst other threats, that wasn't real just yet. To believe that all was under control. There were some inhabited islands ahead but then they would lose his track. He would run off with Gon.

Feeling wolf hair under your fingers made you think this way you see... and yes, he'd saved that moment. It was just a fleeting second, but it was a good replay for the long walk through the night.

Another bubble balloon popped. He'd noticed how Leorio and Kurapica from afar had kept an eye on them all day... Had Leorio told the blond? He somehow felt Leorio would not betray him…

He did another skating move as he moved onto planning

Because he had been a former assassin, the Zoldick heir always carried hi-tech stuff with him. Yup, stuff he'd stolen the second time he left home, with Gon to his side. Quite important, young man (he would say to himself). Because one of those technological stolen gadgets was a minute transceiver attached to your ear, so that people could command you from afar. It was so tiny it could not be seen but only felt. It'd been useful in many of his and Gon's adventures...

He wasn't planning on being spoken directions through the receiver mike that night, though, oh no. He felt a bit like tasting music.

Now, given the situation someone might have thought it was lame…But right now it was his only resource available. He would program the artifact so that in a couple hours he would be able to listen to his Mp3 while other more grizzly incidents developed. That was the plan. Not to listen. He wasn't planning on attending to shard-like-words, to taunting like verbalized daggers, not from him who knew his nightly terrors so well…Not on those moments, no. He closed his eyes. He …wanted to remain oblivious to it all...

That being impossible he would at list maintain his dissociative fence.

He'd once been an expert...

Kurapica stared with unfathomable eyes to his friend in front.

"I already knew that Killua's life was threatened…" "I guess we don't need to change the subject..." the words hung in the suspended air.

Leorio gaped horrified. It took him half a minute to choke out an answer.

"You did?"

Kurapica exhaled. "And now you confirm me"

"But!"

"You sent me outside, the day of the checkup. Since then you haven't been the same. Days before, Killua came in with a bruised wrist. I could tell it'd been dislocated in the precedent hours. And then…you didn't expect me to believe the fever thing, did you? …it was really lame"

Leorio adjusted his glasses alarmed "His wrist? The same one that- wait, he did have a fever!"

"It wasn't flu"

"But Gon- did he..."

"Leorio, Gon will believe whatever you tell him…"

"But…" Leorio took a hand to his head "but how?"

"…It was all too strange and…It reached a point I just decided to act out on my curiosity. So I followed you that day to the pool. You had said you wanted to swim and look out at girls " He gave him a skeptical look "So I followed you…and then did exactly what we are doing now with Gon and Killua…I observed you from above, from the floors that circle the pool…used zetsu…"

There was a silence. Leorio avoided his stare processing.

"…And Killu-"

"Killua did feel someone was there, but I guess he thought I was a random guard since I didn't radiate anything threatening"

Leorio kept silent, trying to process the new information.

"…then you heard" Leorio said weary

"Yes… "

-Kurapica was facing him, with a deep gaze focused on him.

"But let me be clear… I really don't understand what is going on because there is information missing… What I concluded was that something happened to Killua, something he wasn't willing to share… Something that is not my business…and that I heard you promising not to tell anybody. "

There was a defining silence as those last words settled in the table. The sky outside was darkening by the minute. Had the last sounded like an accusation?

"Well yes, I did" He raised his head in defiance. He'd given his word to Killua that he'd keep silent, and he would do it again. Along with anything to help him. Leorio looked up angry "And so I did Kurapica, I made a promise. What is your excuse on not telling me you already knew? Keep me acting like an idiot?"

Kurapica held his gaze steady. But on that never ending analyzing gaze flashed a hint of admiration.

"I regret not coming to you before. I… wanted to know what you would do... Killua had just told you his life wasn't threatened anymore. And, some sort of ill pride took the best of me." He said without flinching. "I wanted to know if you would tell me. Because... well...you hadn't told me for starters his life had been threatened… and well, you tell me everything" Kurapica tilted his head looking at the doctor.

He reckoned the unspoken agreement between them shamelessly. How that part of their relationship had always been one-sided. The telling everything…

"When I came back from the pool you acted as if nothing…" The doctor trailed. He looked at the blond. He'd always respected Kurapica secretiveness. It'd never been the other way round between them.

"Oh you must have thought it was amusing at the moment" Leorio put his glass on the table a little more hard than necessary "keeping me alone with this for all these days, no? Do you know how it's been to feel alone helping him? How it was to contain Killua in a breakdown in there alone! He was…- and I couldn't" he breathed

"I'm sorry..." Kurapica whispered

"No, you don't know! I was on the verge of killing him, did you know that? A Zoldick body is that immune to everything that medicating them is always injecting them in the brink between their unresponding bodies and a lethal overdose! He should have died with what I gave him but he wasn't responding to the shots, did you know that too?!"

"No… I didn't"

"Gon would be happy to see how I kill his best friend no?" he yelled "you would be spared of the responsibility anyways"

"I…"

"Everyday fare he said as if it was a joke, another friend to die on me, another friend to die on us, no? I'm finally in a position to help a friend, but I can't! Again I CAN'T! And for what! For Killua to come up to haunt me in my sleep! "He protested.

"Come…up?"

"Why sure, he would be in hell that daredevil" he snarled. "And don't sidetrack me"

"I didn't… I just"

"No. You don't know Kurapica. You don't know how I didn't know what the hell to do. He could not breathe! No, you don't know!" he glared "how can I trust you again!"

"I'm sorry, I really am," Kurapica raised his hands "I just… at first, I had to know if you would, ah you know me, I'm secretly a jerk" He conceded sincere "I really am sorry" Kind eyes sought him with urgency "but Leorio, you need to know… afterwards I could not approach you for real. The next day I noticed" he lowered his voice "that we were being watched"

His eyes however did not lower their steady gaze.

"What…?"

"It's been extremely subtle. But I'm good at tracking. Although I haven't seen him, I could tell someone was watching Killua's every move."

"What?"

"Since the day I accompanied Gon to the wolves' island, we've been watched without interruption…."

There was a dead-end silence.

"And now…?" Leorio whispered, as he looked everywhere

"We've been watched until today."

Leorio arched his eyebrows confused.

"This day, it's gone, I don't know where our stalker went, but he's just not here". His silken voice trailed. "That doesn't mean thought that it's over"

"But what does it mean?"

"I don't know…"

The doctor assimilated the information. His gaze immediately searched for the boys in the deck.

Right now, they were letting the seagulls free. It was a beautiful image…

Kurapica gazed him with worried eyes from the windowpane's reflection.

"Leorio, I'm sorry, truly, that I did not tell you before…I…." He exhaled. And looked up

"If it means anything, I admire you…" He paused to ensure the truth delicately "You were like a father with him… "The blue eyes beheld him.

Leorio found himself breathing that in...

But then he shook his head.

"… No… Maybe I shouldn't have withheld this… but I really feared that if I told anyone, the consequences would be suffered by him and... I don't even actually know what is really going on… You say we've been followed. Maybe it was someone of his family..."

"I would have recognized it, I'm sure"

"Could it be that maybe that day at the pool, he lied? Maybe he is still threatened-maybe that is why now in the room his reaction-"

"He hasn't told you anything more?"

"Nothing. He has never told me anything. Me finding out in the first place, how hurt he was, that was an accident"

Leorio rested his elbows widespread in the table, tired "he's not any worse than what a battle could do. And we've had trackers before, I mean, let's face it, we've been chased by spiders haven't we?" Leorio let out a nervous laughter… and stopped. "...What worries me is his silence, his avoidance, the lies, Gon doesn't even know- he's still so young… -And my friend"

Kurapica assented in comprehension.

"In the room Kurapica…I think I'd never seen him that" he couldn't find the word.

" ….. Not even in the last hunter exam, with his…"

"Oh yes... with his brother. Eerie man"

"Yes! Thank you. Well, if that was hard to watch, this was a million times worse. Because until those moments you forget he is just a normal kid…" he exhaled "he must have remembered something-I'm sure, because he could not breathe and…well… you heard"

Weirdly, a bit of relief reached up his chest. He realized he'd blown out his stress on the poor blond in front… but he felt so young to feel that responsible. Now he was no longer alone at the problem, they would get Killua out of this soon. The burden of such responsibility – of not being able to help the younger one...

It had been a tourniquet twisting his guts.

"I want to help" Kurapica echoed his thoughts

"Me too! But how do we do it?"

Kurapica remained silent.

"Gon doesn't know? Anything?"

"He is particularly emphatic about that...How weird is that? It's Gon! His number one friend! "

"It's really unusual yes" …

The blond rested his chin on his elegantly crossed hands.

"What did you see… that day, on Killua" He spoke cautiously. Not knowing yet if he deserved to be included in that information. Leorio however didn't notice his precaution, as he straightened. He felt like a doctor again.

"He was hurt badly" he replied in a murmur… and exhaled for the recount massaging his temples "he had multiple bruises and two long superficial cuts. He had a deep gash on his hip that cleanly reached his hip bone…-it actually dented it…and he had a dislocated and broken wrist..."

Kurapica cringed shocked with unbelieving eyes. For a second losing his careful composure.

Leorio nodded. Kurapica blinked

"Who could do that to Killua?"

"Beats me" Leorio shrugged helplessly.

The blond drank from his glass and rationalized the new information. He sighed forming in front of his eyes plausible explanations "…A first impression does sound like his family doings… doesn't it? Or as picturesque as the Zoldycks could get...I mean, it probably is the torture like treatment he received before. But I haven't seen any of the members on board. So it can't be that" He discarded "The second most obvious guess is someone looking for revenge, there must be many people…After all, he was a killer…"

"Yes…I had evaluated those theories too. Particularly the one about revenge."

"It must have been a powerful opponent"

"Or he let it happen at will"

"Maybe that's why he doesn't want Gon to know?"

Leorio nodded "maybe he did something terrible in his past" he sighed. "We as adults know he couldn't help it, but he must feel ashamed"

Kurapica trailed. "But then… maybe it's his business if he doesn't want to tell Gon or us for that matter I guess…"

"But Kurapica, as you said before, this involves us the moment we learn his life was threatened- the moment we see him not fending off well like that…I won't stand and watch as he breaks into another of the nightmares Gon describes-that nightmares that I'm now positive have to do with that someone following him.. Even if he is ashamed of his past and wants to take the brunt of revenge alone, we have to help- because what bothers me is the fact that the one tracking couldn't have vanished into the air... I mean... we are in the middle of the sea no?"

Kurapica smiled with certain fondness.

The doctor looked up "Kurapica, I´m worried. I don't know how to explain this because it's a subjective impression but while I treated him..." Leorio trailed.

He remembered that detached face. And then he'd been pushed faraway, the alcohol spilling, his claw ready, his chest hitching, his eyes shut tight as he'd backed and closed on himself and stopped breathing altogether.

All his fatherly instincts arose as if he wasn't twenty "why is he so… vulnerable? You heard Kurapica… Suddenly he was not responding… "Leorio passed his hand again through his scalp "Now how many times has he been in battles and hospitals and out again with never once having responded the way he did now? It's as if he's been through hell or something, and let's face it, being a Zoldick I just can´t imagine what could be Killua's hell"

"Gon being threatened."

"Uh?"

"I... the reason, behind his ambiguous words, why he is so compromised…I believe he wouldn't have been that harmed if he really cared only for himself at the moment of…whatever that happened to him..." He added quickly "Well, I believe he is defending something... or someone else. Maybe even us. But my hypothesis is that Gon is threatened too" Kurapica said seriously.

Leorio's eyes widened.

"I need to lower your fever…please"

"Leave me alone, Leorio" threatening eyes.

"Killua...I'm…scared to do so. Your fever- you need help..."

"You...don't understand…You don't need to be involved" his voice somehow pleaded.

"But I'm already involved"

"No"

He hadn't taken that into consideration. Not once. He suddenly rose, the instinct of being near the boys again. He looked at the window. They were…upside down hanging from the rail…Gon was trying to reach for the water.

Leorio sat again.

"I'm such a fool! I did not think of that! We have to end this situation now-We have to talk to him!"

"But what if he's actually threatened? As he let you know under the fever and drugs? And then later denied it? For everyone's safety" Kurapica questioned

"Then he has to tell us!"

"And the one watching us will know and hurt Gon"

"You're just speculating! Uber-speculating!"

"It's true, I am."

"He is just thirteen!" exasperation filled Leorio's voice. "God knows I was just a dumb kid watching TV at his age! He shouldn't be trying to save the world"

"And maybe we are just making a fuss out of nothing"

"But we have been followed"

"The one being followed has been specifically Killua… right after the day he was...threatened."

Leorio looked at the boys again.

Suddenly the bartender arrived to take away their empty glasses. He received an absent minded look, and an unfriendly stare. He left quickly, not bothering to ask if they wanted a refill, trying to save his tip.

"We just need to confront him"

"Leorio, I'm afraid that he's being watched or too compromised for even to speak inside the ship about it. Someone being threatened, that slipped of his cover when in fever, might lie and say its all fine the next day. I know I would, were I in that situation"

"I want to-"

"If the vigilance really stops-and I'm taking of a longer than one day break-, then, we'll immediately confront him. But if it resumes, then the only thing we can do is get off this ship in the next port." Kurapica assured "Remember and Killua is an excellent hunter himself" he opened his hands "...and maybe it's all nothing"

"But it is possible…It was weird enough that Killua had told me he'd called his family. He won't even call them for birthdays, or deathly missions for that matter..."

"We just have to wait, and protect our friends as much as we can." Kurapica spoke objectively "If the vigilance resumes, we'll watch them as well 24/7" he tried to reassure the defeated look on Leorio's face.

"..Ok…" that did sound like a plan. Kurapica took his glass to sip the last when the doctor raised his head.

"Kurapica… there's something else..."

The blond nodded.

But the doctor couldn't find the words to follow.

It was dark and quiet. Gon slept by his side. Peaceful… drooling a little. Slender tanned arms sunk in between pillows in the middle of that foggy foggy night.

When would that fog dissipate for Ging's sake? The screen reflected his concentrated look... as he devised and programmed through his laptop as silent as he could. Killua finally left the mp3 live-emitting strategically near the receiver on the pc, so that this one would catch the music and resend it to the device attached behind Killua's ears. After leaving everything ready, he scooched into the blankets again.

Oh he felt the need to sleep painfully on his eyelids. He would drift in the midst of music and wake himself, pieces of lyrics mingling with vivid dreams and the room around him. A strong déjà to it all... As always he could not let himself miss the time… But...

He…he felt Gon near him, his warmth… the boy was a damn human hottie, he thought sleepily.

A cell phone message pulled him upright.

I'm waiting.

He repressed the internal cringe. Instantly other one arrived.

Don't go out the door. Leave your room through the window.

His heart did a small arrhythmia dance at this. He was already out of the bed. Carefully he took the one remaining bandage away. Soundlessly he went throughout the windows of the room to the deck.

Kurapica, on guard at the moment, heard nothing.

" there's something else…" Leorio looked outside. The last bits of evening greyed away into the darkness.

The blond nodded. The doctor was deeply troubled… he seemed even more so, even though they'd just settled evenly the subject. Had it to do with something else?

"What is it?"

"I…ok….er…"

But he didn't elaborate further; he just folded his napkin over and over.

"Has it to do with the spider?"

Uh? "No, its Killua… why?" Leorio was startled a second

"Oh, no, just asking..." when over thinking betrayed him...

"Kurapica… are you" Leorio said slightly vexed

"No no, I swear… its vacations. U-huh" he said like repeating a known line.

"Then why did you bring it up?"

"I can't help it. You know it well. I don't have to excuse myself to you anyways. "

Leorio sighed smiling at his pride even before he was finished. "If I didn't know you so well…"

Kurapica didn't lift his sight from his own glass, but slumped a little

"Sorry…" his defensive demeanor dropped. He paused "so…?"

"So…"

Leorio didn't know how to follow.

"It's about Killua then" His friend tried to bring him back. But Leorio only nodded, missing the cues to proceed intentionally. He really was lost as to how exactly approach…

Kurapica frowned now impatient.

"Is it that…. bad?"

"No it's nothing, it's just…"

"Killua…he told you something else?"

"No…" He remained silent. But he pushed his glasses up the ridge of his nose, before exhaling. "But something made me think...But I must be wrong, I mean…it's probably nothing" Kurapica assented. Leorio sighed, his eyes fixed on Killua laughing faraway. "You know…when I inspected him… he had this cut…It went from his navel to the hem of his pants..."

Kurapica averted his glance "that is sick."

"… He had a similar cut on his back"

"He did" Kurapica half questioned, more brooding to himself… "I guess that does sustain with the theory of someone's revenge…"

Leorio tried to find the words, to follow cautiously … he had not even dared to verbalize his apprehension…telling them gave them some truth he dreaded.

"Kurapica…"

"There's more"

Leorio proceeded slowly.

"… Today I had to re-examine that first cut on his front…and then he had the breakdown... but right before I was able to see for some seconds…just before his breakdown…I saw he… on his lower belly, under the waist band. I could swear he… he had a… hickey"

"...What?"

"A hickey…"

"A what? A hickey, a hickey as in a-

"What you heard…"

"Where"

"…" Leorio closed his eyes,

"Under the hem of his pants. Near where the cut ended..."

The silence was awful

"You don't" Kurapica whispered. "You don't think"

"I don't know"

"H-he's he's just thirteen"

"…I know" he whispered

Silence...Kurapica unconsciously had covered his mouth.

"I might be wrong, because he was so bruised up…" Leorio added

"Are you sure or not? ´" Kurapica let out exasperated

"I don't know!"

"But you saw it"

Leorio lowered his gaze. He had seen that. Among then million signs in Killua's behavior. He kept silent.

"Fuck" Kurapica rose. He looked at the kids again. He shook his head. Killua was there, skating, teaching his friend like a small gangster…

"We... no... That can't be right ... he can't..." he shook his head as if contrasting many theories in his head.

Killua and Gon were laughing.

Kurapica averted his glance trying to think, startled.

"No..." He sat again, closed up. Leorio felt his words were becoming real. Had he spoken them? No he had to misinterpret when he saw that...

"Then…then this might be a totally different situation." Kurapica murmured mildly aghast. He looked at the doctor.

"let's get off this ship right now" he whispered.

Leorio was taken off guard. He suddenly snapped stressed.

"You think I haven't thought of that? Now you're telling me this? Out of the ship? And where uh! We're in the middle of the freaking ocean! What about the "everything is going to be alright" and "we'll keep an eye" on them! We can't just get off the ship!"

Kurapica wasn't calm anymore, he was determining something that maybe hadn't happened, shouldn't and couldn't- he wanted desperately to believe he was wrong, and so he probably was… yeah that was it. cause it had been for just a second, a fleeting second in which his heart sank and then the alcohol spilled and he could have sworn... tiny red dots, little broken vessels inside the dark dark bruise, the bite on the pale skin…

Kurapica stared fixedly at the window.

"It's no time to argue. But if you need to know my reasons…I- These kids have received death threats, beatings and stuff before. I'm calm with that. But not-not this. I trust Killua is not going to end up dead. But I don't want anyone to mess around with his….his well being, his right to…" somehow, for the first time, he couldn't follow. But he rose from his chair.

"We are leaving"

"We can?"

"We are hunters. We'll make someone bring a sailboat, or a jet and we're leaving. Whatever there's available. We're getting out of here now. We'll say the reason was the spiders" he paused and regrettably looked up "...which isn't entirely false"

Leorio just looked at the table and dismissed the last. He asked wearily

"Can we do all that?"

"I don't know. But right now we start to watch them 24 /7 as we agreed. And whoever did something will be found out and will pay. And we will know what happened".

"Come near"

He stood in the door feeling hesitant. He gave a step forward and heard how it echoed in the room. The door swung slowly to place at his back. It was difficult avoiding the dread of feeling trapped…Illumi sat at his desk dealing with black money and Zoldick business. But he raised his head again. He took with indecipherable eyes the seven year old boy by the door.

"Closer"

The sharp monotone he automatically obeyed. Always. Even though Illumi's hand gestured the place right next to him with an impassive stare. He was there.

The small boy looked up with a shy expression. But his brother hadn't lingered on his presence any further now that he stood were he should.

He looked around timidly, while shifting his weight. He'd never been inside many of the rooms of the Zoldick mansion. Illumi's private room was one. Now, when he was on his own he would scout around the place happily, but he wouldn't dream of coming anywhere near here, Noooo. Now he observed…

As if apprehending the smallest detail would help him in whatever was to come.

His room was dark… and unnaturally plain. A trained eye wouldn't be able to tell much of his likes, eerily bare and dim lit as it stood. There was only one plausible exit, through which he had just walked in. The windows were narrow and high above as if a dungeon- he noted. So he found himself unconsciously searching for shackles… because this was supposed to be training…no?

"Killua"

He looked up immediately. And met those dark expressionless eyes. They were staring... swallowing every bit of him...

"How have you been doing" the paused monotone echoed softly through the room. Illumi had turned to address insignificant him with that silken emotionless voice.

"Good" he barely spoke. The silence swallowed his words.

Illumi beheld him, with uncanny dark eyes…they revealed nothing of the intentions behind. It scared him so.

"How has training gone in my absence Killua?"

"…good…" a thread of a voice as he lowered his eyes. He couldn't help wondering if he'd been summoned because of his electricity problem…

But then Illumi raised one of his hands, an extended finger, to his forehead. He froze. With a cold touch he caressed a silver strand of hair away.

Oh, that one gesture turned his blood to ice…

"Have you enjoyed your free time?"

The boy nodded shyly. He had.

"Really? With your friends?"

...

Ice. On his veins ran ice.

He felt the cold hand to his shoulder

"Little brother, its fine" he spoke in a supple monotone, as he observed him. "Speak with the truth. Have you got any friends? Do tell" he commanded softly.

The boy swallowed hard.

His chin was softly taken. And he was forced to look up with just that delicate gesture. With alarm the seven year old immediately searched for a single trace of the misconstrued intentions behind. He only found the same impassive mask that did not lit an ounce of emotion. It stole his breath. Courage brought it back. Well, the midget version of it.

"N-no"

Those black eyes and he became conscious of the fear that beat inside his chest in a steadily rising pace -fear…fear…fear…fear…fear…

But then Illumi curved slightly up the line of his mouth. "You are right brother. You have spoken the truth." He paused "You should always be rewarded for speaking the truth" he murmured softly.

Killua's eyes widened in confusion. Illumi observed him intently.

"Here Killua is your reward" The elder looked at him blankly, as he handed him a box that was over his desk. Killua held it in his hands unsure. He was small but this was no good. He looked up for further instructions.

"Open it"

He didn't want to. But he obeyed.

Inside there was a small… skull.

That of an animal.

That of a squirrel.

...

He took the small cranium between his hands realizing they were slightly shaking. It was…it was…

"Your hands Killu. Control them" Illumi spoke softly. But he had there… in his ha-

"Killua"

At once he forced himself to divert his attention. This was training-this was training-

"You were speaking the truth brother, you are very wise" Illumi replied softly as he raised his chin yet again, wanting to see the boy's eyes.

"You no longer have friends"

The boy closed his eyes as his thought began to run scattered and wild. Illumi …spoke the truth...

Dark long hair brushed his shoulder, and suddenly Illumi was at his ear. "I care for you" He murmured, in the unchanging soft monotone, as the boy's eyes widened.

"Friends have the power to hurt you little brother. I'll always eliminate anything that might hurt you" he said softly. A vice painful grip held his shoulder tightly.

Killua closed his eyes. He tried to remember nanny's words now.

"Killua"

He opened them unwantingly.

"You are a Zoldick Killua. A permanent dweller of the night..." he said impassive "That cannot be changed. Do you want the family to consider you part of their own?" His dark eyes beheld him as his soft monotone dripped words.

"Y-yes!" He let out desperately- what was the elder thinking! Would they abandon him? If he failed? He hadn't got any other family, he hadn't, he hadn't- he wouldn't fail-he wouldn't-

"Then you have to obey everything father and I say. Do you understand?"

He instantly nodded. He would obey. He would be better next time. He wouldn't fail.

"Breathe" the dark eyes beheld him.

He inhaled obeying- Moments ago he'd stopped breathing altogether.

"Breathe again" the elder said like repeating a known line…

Killua nodded. He swallowed dry. His hands still shook.

"You are small. But you have to understand that. Will you obey everything I command you?"

He nodded emphatically again. But Illumi stared at him with vortex eyes.

"When you're older you can question the why of every action. Now you just have to obey what father and I say. Like this you will be fine brother. Do you understand?"

He nodded unable to speak.

"If I order you to train, will you?"

He nodded

"If I order you to put the shackles on, will you?"

He nodded again

"Really?" Illumi mused softly "and if I order you to sing?"

He assented once more.

Illumi beheld him. In deep silence. As if he was musing.

"Sing"

Killua's silence matched his questioning child eyes, he'd heard wrong.

"This is an order Killua. Sing" he spoke his gaping silence; Illumi raised a disappointed eyebrow "You were singing today in the garden. Sing now. I want to hear you"

Killua closed his eyes and swallowed.

And he began singing, barely, his voice almost a faint whisper.

As he finished one line, Illumi lifted his was something in his eyes…

"Take your shirt off" he whispered.

Killua assented relieved. This was a more familiar part of the usual training, now came the shackles... When it pooled at his feet he discovered Illumi, with impossibly cold eyes, held a candle.

Slowly, the elder tilted it over his shoulder, staring fixedly at the violet questioning orbs. The hot melting wax fell droplet by droplet over his collarbone.

Killua nodded, the pattern of work was recognizable, and so he could handle it. He lulled himself the pain away, controlling his breathing strictly as he inhaled and exhaled slowly. Just as they had taught him… Soon, the increasing patches of skin burnt were no longer a problem in his mind.

"Very well Killua. Very well indeed" Illumi observed.

Just then a sound distracted them both.

Milluki's white cat stared at them from the window. He paused inspecting and sniffing the air before plopping into the floor.

"Bring here the cat Killua" he murmured monotonely.

The small albino looked up with questioning eyes.

"Bring here the cat. In your arms" he paused each word, as if trying to make himself clear. But the small boy seemed hesitant.

"Killua"

He took a step forward. Feeling his dark presence enveloping him, his heart thudding painfully because this couldn't bring any good. The cat stood there staring at him. He'd petted the animal thousands of times.

"Good"

There he stood, the cat in his arms snuggling.

Illumi, with a cold hand softly caressed the white fur. Killua repressed a shiver. He suddenly shook his head.

"Illumi, no… I don't want to..." he tried desperately

Illumi smirked… for the first time, with a certain evil to his black diamond orbs.

"You can't finish your own line, little brother" he said in the soft monotone. Killua gaped unable to reply.

"you don't want to kill this cat Killua? Interesting... this is revealing. Little brother, you shouldn't evidence the care… but" he mused "haven't you slain many others before?" he extended an explaining hand.

th-those were targets- those were preys-

Illumi sighed softly, observing his silence.

"I agree though that Milluki wouldn't like it if we killed this cat , would he…" the dark orbs looked up.

"So break his tail Killua"

Killua eyes rested on the floor, feeling the warmth in his arms, the light weight of the cat. He was paralyzed.

Illumi softly took the skull that lay in the corner of his desk. He took it between his hands. It once had flesh over the now smooth bone. It once had eyes that were hazel colored…

But Killua that is what happens always with each of the ones you slay...

"You haven't stopped trembling since you came in here little brother. Are you cold..." he spoke softly… a hand to his shoulder again to hold him. The other one holding the skull.

Killua bit his inner cheek as he softly placed the cat in Illumi's desk. The pet's life had been spared…The cat stared mildly curious.

"Break his tail Killua"

Illumi met the wide violet eyes in his round pale face. He was so small. And his violet eyes oh, they were detached, that was what he wanted to see…

His hand did not shake. The movement was quick, even the cat didn't see it coming. Only the horrible wail was heard, the bent tail, red drops and a white blur to dissapearance.

The boy's face…it was expressionless… his gaze empty, his hand extended. Only his eyes rose to meet Illumi's… for further commands.

The curve of his lip sent a shiver down his spine.

"Very well Killua" Illumi observed. And he couldn't help it…imagining it was some kind of praise, he finally did something good…

"Now drink this"

He assented. This was probably a test of poison resistance. He took the cup. The unfamiliar scent warned him of how he was being tested with something new. He took a sip

"All of it"

He nodded. And he drank. And drank.

"You are doing very well Killua"

He suddenly felt the world spin. He took hold of the desk.

"Do not lean on the desk Killua, you do not need the help"

He nodded following the command. Even though all became fuzzy and off its hinges.

He heard the fumbling of a belt and wondered if now lashing began. He wondered if nanny would be sad, would he disappoint her. Their friend was dead. All because of him… their friend was dead, dead, dead, dead-

"Very well Killua. Now, on your knees brother" A hand to his shoulder was pushing him down. He knelt.

Nanny carried a bundle of clean clothing as she hummed. She entered through the door synchronizing the opening with the maneuver of carrying the tall and neatly folded stack when he spotted the seven year old albino. He was knelt in a corner of the room. As she came near she saw he had by his side a glass of water. And with a finger dipped wet he was doing something to the wall…which seemed to be...

...Poking the electric socket.

"KILLUA!"

She dropped the clothes and yanked him away.

Catlike, his hair almost rose as he looked up alarmed. He mouthed out of breath "Nanny"

"You should never do that!" she almost yelled, scared herself. She rubbed the boy's shoulders unconsciously, as if to make sure he was ok. She exhaled "little master you could be electrocuted like that!"She shook her head "god, maybe you didn't know it was dangerous-but-what were you doing? You should know you don't play with electric sockets! You just don't! "

Killua lost his gaze in the carpet at his feet.

"I…" but he didn't proceed. He just looked at nanny with apologizing terrified eyes.

Nanny exhaled.

And looked at him and rolled her eyes affectionately. She gracefully sat Indian style, and patted the floor at his front for him to seat in a resolute gesture. The silver haired boy sat shyly.

"Little master, what were you doing with that glass of water?" she asked gently

"I…" he looked down. But nanny waited kindly on his silence, until Killu looked up "I wanted to get better nanny". His voice came out somewhat detached.

"Better?"

His gaze was empty… "With electricity… I'm…no good" he whispered. "that is why..." he trailed. He didn't understand her expression but her eyes had suddenly saddened. He wondered if he'd disappointed her with that too. He felt her hand through his hair and leaned against that.

There was a silence.

Nanny closed her eyes. The challenge the whole situation poised her to raising this boy; it was sometimes terrible to think. Terrible to act out, to watch and abide, without being able to help. Always one step from tripping down in the attempt of their mutual survival in this confinement….

But she exhaled. Other times… she had to keep remembering- other times, like when they sang or played…they were truly happy. She looked with confidence into those wondering violet eyes because he would need that.

She smiled warmly "don't you agree training is so, so hard?" a conversational tone through kind eyes.

Killua looked befuddled.

"…yes…" his child voice echoed in the silence. He looked up with questioning eyes.

The twenty year old girl smiled sadly "to become your nanny I had to train too. It probably wasn't as hard as your training is though!" she endorsed emphatically, and sighed "...And yet it was already too hard for me…" she cupped his cheek

"Really?"

"Yup!" she sighed "Terrible!" she gazed into those perfect child eyes with gentleness. Her voice grew softer.

"Little master, you don't have to visit on your own those awful hours, leave them for when training is really taking place."

"But-"

"Whatever they make you feel" her voice came out lacking air. But he looked up at that. "you already exceed all expectations, you're like a shining star my boy" she whispered "Please...promise me you won't train on your own…"

The little albino lowered his eyes. Slowly he nodded.

"In time you'll see you'll overcome everything" she said with confidence.

The boy shook his head, not meeting her gaze

"I'm… not strong enough"

"Yes you are"

No...For them, no... "…I'm …so...tired" the boy whispered. His shoulders were taken.

"Trust me! You will always overcome everything" She said confident.

"I don't know" he shook his head.

"Oh, you don't need to know, I know it for you. You just trust me. Whenever you feel something get's particularly hard, you just remember this words and trust me I'm right. You will overcome everything my little master"

Her words as strong as the roots of an old oak tree…

On years to come he learned that she wasn't right. He wouldn't have managed to overcome everything on his own like that. It was when he'd absorbed her words that he was able. The moment she spoke them he was able…

Even afterwards…when he was taken all recollection of the closest thing he had to the smell, the words, the eyes, the voice.. of a true mother.

All was eerily dark in the ship. He was returning from the pool showers in a new set of PJ's. He felt a bothering pain, but not something that was incapacitating as the other night.

But he detoured himself from the halls to the deck...to the night... to the known rail...

That metal rail, the only limit between him and the ocean.

He let himself fall to his knees. Then to his side.

Much better, nightly wonderer.

On his back he stared at the dark sky.

He did not remember much. Even though just one hour before he'd been in the exact position with someone above him, he thought indifferently. With an impersonal mindset he tried to collect what had just happened to him to see if he'd said anything compromising.

The door had been opened.

He'd been pushed to the bed.

Illumi hovered over him. Did he play with him or not? He could not tell, he was positive he'd forced himself to be somewhere else along the music… Illumi was being moderate on his treatment, scared of being found, uh?

He raised his eyebrow wearily. The moon stared above.

His brother still had…. caressed were he'd always caressed, had bit on the same spots he used to bite, like his neck and waist…While Killua had stared at the ceiling just bored- while he observed from afar how his body was touched- while it was firmly kept in place so as to allow … He sighed. He'd been first prepared. Fact spoke he always had been under Illumi's sick games when he was smaller. Never had he been so violently- he bit his lip- taken, no, until the particular night from one week ago-.the bastard- that bastard why put them both through the mtf pain? He moved his head to one side, tossing away his thoughts. Facts burned to his mind revisited with more speed than necessary because, yes, he'd hissed and closed his fists and shut tight his eyes, and maybe he screamed-or not- he wasn't sure- he hadn't heard himself, he'd only heard his panting at his neck- he'd been taunted, Gon's name had appeared again, as he'd been hit against the bed, hips pushed strongly against another bones and...And... he closed his eyes, weary.

As if he was another being different from the rag doll left there...his skin rubbed against another skin... foreign sweat sticking to his own…But, no, he did not listen, quite dead.

And he hadn't said a word.

It had finally been just sex… that's all.

He stared at the slowly clearing skies... the moon shining brightly, ironic, mocking..

The image was printed there...traces… trails of everything just done had marked the sheets and his body.

… His trails…

… And…-detachedly he thought-… His own ones..."You'll pretend you are indifferent to me?" his dark laughter

He shut tight his eyes.

Nails sunk to his shoulder as he felt sick.

No…

He exhaled slowly. He would not let this reach him. That would lead him nowhere…

He was so tired…His cheek against the floor. Silence, pure white silence blanketing his shoulders, his spine, his cold feet, he was motionless. The minutes were posed against the ground like specks of dust. The light, it was faint… it had a glow of its own that slowly fell against his limbs. The cold floor against his body... it was soothing. Enjoying the silence, about to fall into nothingness. Empty.

As minutes went by, he wearily did a vain effort to keep himself from drifting: he thought how he had gotten there…how he had fallen here…Immobile as he was; his fingers became aware of the floorboards against them, in motionless seeking for the primary reason of a state. His.

But soothingly…instead… slumber shyly interrupted the silence with its own humming. It was the song Gon had been singing today…A song like a lost tune in his head. It did remind him that he would soon pick himself up from the floor boards and carry himself somewhere. He closed his eyes to the soft pacing of the tune, falling softly drop by drop over his mind, before he woke up…

…That would be the only sign for an outsider to realize he was still alive. His breathing. Sprawled as he was. Frozen still as he was. But yes… He… was still alive. He would be able…he … would overcome this as well…he would…he would... he would..

He walked back to their room... Vaguely he wondered about the reason of the window precaution… Did Illumi know he'd been discovered by his doctor friend? Dark thoughts invaded Killua's mind as he walked through the night back.

He opened the window to their room and entered silently.

And his heart stopped.

Gon, awake, sat on the bed staring at him.

"Killua, where were you?!"

A/N:

Please review! I want your feedback on how I can be a better writer

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Heh Killua