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Force of Nature	By : HollowedRose Category: > Durarara!! (?????!! Dyurarara!!) Views: 6644 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara!! and its characters. They belong to Ryohgo Narita. I'm not making any profit from this.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
Chapter 16: Undisclosed Desires
That very night Shinra, Celty and Kadota took both Shizuo and Kasuka and transported them to the apartment where they could hide from the Awakusu-kai. It wasn't a good idea to move Shizuo around, and even though Shinra knew that the man must be in a lot of pain, he had no choice.
"On a scale from one to ten, how bad is the pain," asked Shinra when he saw that Shizuo's face was twisted in agony.
The ride there was anything but painless, the constant movement sending jolts of pain throughout his body. "Zero," he said with a brittle smile on his face.
Shinra rolled his eyes. "Right."
Shizuo didn't say anything, because he knew that no one would believe him anyway, so instead he closed his eyes and tried to focus on just breathing, the action alone being nothing less than torturous. He felt Kasuka squeeze his hand as reassurance, and he instantly regretted getting him involved. Kasuka should've been spending his time working on a movie or something, not risk his life by running around with him. If only he hadn't made such a stupid mistake that day...
"We're here," said Shinra in a cheerful tone and helped Kadota to move Shizuo inside as inconspicuously as possible. He didn't want anyone to see them because then the two brothers might end up with the Awakusu-kai barging in on them.
Shizuo grunted in pain as they moved him, his jaw clenched so hard that it hurt, feeling as though his body kept getting stabbed repeatedly, a part of him almost wishing that it was true and that it was being done to him by Izaya. She was looking well enough, not like that scared animal he remembered seeing that night in the abandoned warehouse or the next morning back at his apartment. He didn't like that version of Izaya, and it hurt him to know that he had been the one to turn her into that.
"Here we go," said Kadota as he finished setting Shizuo on the bed. "I have to go now, but I'll see you around, just not too soon, because I don't want to lead them here in case they send someone to follow me."
"Thanks," said Shizuo and watched as Kadota and Shinra walked out of the room, the only one staying behind being his little brother. "Hey, how are you feeling?"
Kasuka blinked in surprise, as though he couldn't believe his older brother would worry about him instead of worrying about himself. Then again, Shizuo always worried about him more than anyone else. "I'm fine," was his simple answer.
"Good."
"Nii-san... I think... I made a mistake," said Kasuka weakly. It was best that Shizuo found out from him than from Izaya because he was sure that Izaya would tell him eventually and that she would most likely twist everything around in order to suit her own agenda.
Shizuo's brows furrowed. "What did you do?"
"I might've threatened Izaya to stop trying to kill you or else..."
"Or else what?!" Shizuo nearly shouted. "Are you insane? You shouldn't mess with Izaya, unless you want her to come after you too."
"I think it might already be too late for that."
Shizuo's eyes narrowed.
"I was... angry? I think I was feeling anger, so I grabbed her throat and slammed her into a wall." Kasuka couldn't remember ever seeing Shizuo speechless, but he was sure that at that moment his brother was at a loss for words. "I'm sorry!"
Shizuo just stared at him, stunned, not knowing how to react. It was wrong of him to do such a thing, yet he couldn't help but feel warm on the inside knowing that his brother had taken it upon himself to keep him safe, even if that meant going against Izaya. It was also hard to believe that Kasuka would get angry enough to act in such a manner. All in all, Shizuo really didn't know whether to be glad that Kasuka was acting on his emotions or afraid that Izaya might try to hurt him too. It was probably the latter.
Kasuka didn't like seeing his brother this quiet. "Nii-san?"
"Sorry, I'm just... surprised, I don't even know what to say," said Shizuo, his stupefied expression most likely speaking by itself. "You wouldn't normally act like this."
"I don't want you to die!" Kasuka said, hands balled into fists.
Shizuo cringed, knowing that he might not be able to stay alive for much longer when Izaya kept trying to kill him. He couldn't even blame her, but he still wished that he could somehow convince her to forgive him so that his brother would no longer suffer. It was obvious that Kasuka was not doing well because of him, going so far as to most likely refuse to play in a movie or a commercial just so that he could be with him. He needed to protect Kasuka somehow, and he would start by making sure that Izaya wouldn't go after him. "Can you call Shinra for me?"
Kasuka nodded and went to get the doctor.
"What is it? Are you in pain? Well, more than you already are?" asked Shinra.
"No, I just want to talk to you about something." He turned his head towards Kasuka. "Can you give us a few minutes?"
"Sure," said Kasuka and left the room.
Shinra sat on the chair that Kasuka was previously occupying and watched Shizuo with a questioning look. "What is it?"
"Look, I know that I have no right to ask anything of you, not after what I've done, but I don't want my brother to get hurt."
"I understand, I like Kasuka-kun too, and I also don't want to see him hurt."
"I'm glad to hear that."
"Kasuka struggled a lot to get you out of jail. He cares about you."
"I know, and that's exactly why I want you to find a way for me to talk to Izaya so that I can convince her to not go after him."
Shinra smiled. "Don't worry about it, I've already talked to her."
Shizuo looked at him in surprise. "You did?"
"Yes," said Shinra with a smirk on his face, "and it looks like she's only interested in you, so she won't waste time on Kasuka."
Shizuo kept quiet for a while, trying to figure out whether Izaya was serious about it or not, then realizing that the answer was most likely no. "I don't believe her. She knows how much I care about Kasuka, so she might try to go after him just to make me suffer."
Shinra frowned, worried that Shizuo might be right. "You're safe here for now."
"We can't stay here forever!" said Shizuo through gritted teeth.
"You're right, you can't stay here forever, but while you're here, both you and Kasuka are safe, and that's the most I can promise at the moment," said Shinra, arms crossed in front of his chest. "Just concentrate on getting better, then you can worry about Izaya all you want."
Shizuo laughed brokenly, the pain in his chest making it hard to breathe. "How can I not worry about her after what I've done? Can you even begin to imagine how much I hate myself?"
Shinra stared in surprise, not expecting Shizuo to feel so much regret in regard to his past actions. He was glad that he did thought, because if Shizuo wasn't sorry at all then he wouldn't have minded to watch as Izaya utterly destroyed him. "No, I can't imagine, but at least you know that what you did was wrong."
"Wrong? Just wrong? No, it wasn't just wrong, it was so much more!"
Shinra cringed, not really wanting to listen to more of it but knowing that Shizuo most likely needed someone to listen to him. "I'm here if you want to talk about it," he said, and he felt a pang in his chest when Shizuo's sorrowful eyes locked with his own.
"Are you sure?"
Shinra nodded. "Tell me what happened that day." He had heard Izaya's version, now he was curious to hear how Shizuo saw the events of that day.
"I was talking to a woman... she was good-looking, and she seemed interested in me. You know how most women are scared of me, but I think that she was one of those masochists, because she wanted to see just how strong I was."
"Ah."
"I couldn't resist you know, she was such a turn-on, but then she left when Izaya showed up, leaving me there all horny and pissed off."
Shinra sighed. "That was a stupid move on her part."
Shizuo nodded and continued. "You know, I wanted to rape her, I won't pretend it was an accident. I wanted her to suffer, I wanted to break and humiliate her, I wanted to see her cry, I wanted her to know how it is to lose control for once."
Shinra awkwardly ran a hand through his hair, thinking that it had been much easier to hear Izaya's version of the story.
"So that's what I did. I raped her, repeatedly, and I was going to keep going because no matter how much she cried and begged it wasn't enough. I thought she needed to suffer more in order to make up for all the stuff she has done to me over the years, and besides, the rumors were that she was a loose whore, so I didn't see the problem in it."
"Ah, but Iza―"
"I know! I know that now, and I should've figured it out back then too. I've hurt Izaya before, but she always smiled and mocked me even when she was in pain, yet that time she was crying and asking me to stop, and she was so scared..." said Shizuo, his voice shaking towards the end. It was always painful to remember how he had broken her.
"At least you know now," said Shinra as he removed his glasses and rubbed his tired eyes. "Izaya is very strong, but she can be fragile too."
"And beautiful," Shizuo added.
"Yes she is, but my Celty is prettier."
Shizuo actually laughed at that, which was not a good idea considering how many broken bones he sported, until he suddenly stopped, a horrified look crossing his face as he stared at Shinra. "I shouldn't have... oh god..."
"What?" Shinra asked, confused.
"I shouldn't have told you any of this! It isn't fair towards Izaya. I'm an idiot, I'm such a goddam idiot. I'm sorry!"
"Ah relax, Izaya already told me."
Shizuo's eyes widened in surprise. "She... did?"
"Yeah, so it's ok, don't worry about it." It was a lie though, because Izaya hadn't told him everything about the incident, and after hearing it from Shizuo's mouth, he wished the man had never revealed such gruesome details. He had known that Izaya must've been scared, but he was hoping that she hadn't begged nor cried. That just wasn't like her. Then again, Shizuo was a monster, so who could really blame her for breaking under the brutal treatment?
"I can't believe she'd tell anyone about it."
"I'm her best friend," said Shinra, feeling a bit smug. "I really miss our high school days. I think I'm turning nostalgic."
"Me too," said Shizuo in a sad voice, "even though Izaya kept sending gangs after me."
Shinra laughed weakly. "She still does it though."
"Ah, I guess so."
Shinra put back his glasses and sighed. "I never understood why you hate each other so much. For example, you tried to punch her the second I introduced her to you. Seriously, who tries to punch a girl just like that?"
"She was giving off a bad vibe, and I couldn't stand her smug smile. I knew she was trouble the second I met her."
Shinra chuckled. "I could argue that you were both trouble."
Shizuo cringed, realizing that he was just as bad as she was. "You're right. It's not like I've ever been good at self-control."
"I think you should get some rest. Frankly, I'm surprised you can even stay conscious, let alone talk," said Shinra as he got up.
Shizuo smiled bitterly. "That's because I'm a monster."
"Aren't we all to some degree?"
"Heh, you're right."
"I'm always right," Shinra chirped.
"I was talking about getting some rest."
"Ok, I'll check on you again tomorrow. Good night."
"Thanks," said Shizuo and watched Shinra leave the room. He closed his eyes and tried to empty his mind, yet all he could see were flashbacks of the events from that day. Izaya's screams as he kept thrusting into her, Izaya's tremors and shudders, Izaya asking him to stop...
He suddenly felt really sick, his stomach churning painfully, but he couldn't afford to throw up all over himself when he couldn't move, meaning that Kasuka would end up having to clean up the mess. Instead he kept his eyes wide open, struggling to stop the vivid images from brutally slamming into his consciousness. Just thinking about having to live with the knowledge of what he had done almost made him want to scream in pain, because this anguish was much worse than an physical pain he had ever felt. This sort of pain slowly consumed him, day after day, the guilt and regret making it harder and harder to breath. Izaya killing him would be more of a mercy killing than anything else. He knew that he should somehow pay for what he had done, but he felt both physically and mentally exhausted. He almost wished for Izaya to end it soon, to sink her flickblade deep into his heart where it belonged.

*****
Weeks passed as Shizuo stayed inside the apartment and healed his broken body. He hated small spaces, and he hated being cooped up inside, especially after doing the exact same thing in prison for so long. His wounds were healing fast, much faster than most humans probably healed, which only further proved that he was a monster. He didn't mind though, because he wanted to get up, to leave the apartment and to talk to Izaya.
The Awakusu-kai were still looking for him, and they even ended up checking on Kadota and his bunch. They tried to intimidate them into revealing any information they might've had, but they all kept quiet, Erika proving to be braver than Shizuo had ever imagined. He didn't deserve to even know such good people. In fact, he didn't deserve anything besides pain and misery, and the scary thing was that he didn't even mind thinking that way. He was finally starting to come to terms with the fact that he was a monster, a monster who only knew how to destroy and break everyone and everything around him. It was much easier to accept what he was than to keep denying it like he had in the past.
To say that he despised himself was an understatement, but his self-hatred only increased with each passing day because no matter how much he tried to forget about Izaya, he couldn't. He wanted her, he wanted her so badly that his body ached for her. He wanted to hold her in his arms, to gently kiss that beautiful white skin and to make love to her. He wanted to show her that he could be gentle too, even though he wasn't certain that he could be, but he wanted to. He had no idea how her face would look in the throes of passion, instead of the pained and disgusted look she gave him when he held her down and rammed into her like an animal. He hated himself for having such thoughts, because he didn't even have the right to imagine something as pleasant as that, but most of the time his mind refused to listen to him.
It was pointless to think about it, because he knew that Izaya would never forgive him and never allow him to lay his hands on her again, his monstrous hands which had inflicted so much pain and suffering on the much smaller body. It was terrifying to even think that it could've been much worse. He remembered his desire to break her that day, to break her body into a million pieces as he kept thrusting into her, but he couldn't. It was a miracle that she got out of it with no broken bones. He had certainly wanted to break her, but something inside him held him back. He knew that he had been brutal in his treatment, but it wasn't the worse he could do. To break her limbs would've been a child's play. He could've really fucked her to death, and it scared him to think that he had the power to do so had he wanted. He truly was a monster, but there had to be a part of him that was human, and that was what had stopped him from crushing her with all of his might. It was strange to think about it, but he must've been attracted to her in some way, otherwise he couldn't have gotten anywhere near her without feeling disgust, and what he felt as he cut her t-shirt was anything but disgust. What he had felt was desire, he wanted to make her his, to make her forget of all the others that had the audacity to get anywhere near her, all those men who had the privilege of having a willing Izaya, while all she ever showed him was contempt. None of those other men deserved her, because Izaya should've been his alone to kiss, to love and even to break if he so chose. The irony of it all was that there hadn't been any other men beside him, and while that made him happy, it also broke his heart even more. Not even someone like the flea deserved such a traumatizing first sexual encounter.
She should've told him before he had a chance to take her body by force, but knowing her, she probably didn't want to show him any sort of weakness, because Izaya always thought of herself as being strong. She had been strong, the first time anyway, but after that, even someone as strong as her ended up succumbing to the pain and fear. It sickened him that he had enjoyed hurting someone like that.

*****
The more times passed, the more he wanted to see Izaya. He needed to see her, and he knew that it was almost an obsession, but he didn't care. At least he was feeling well enough to stand and walk around the apartment. Kasuka was mostly trying to make him sit down, but Shizuo felt like a lion inside a tiny cage. He wanted to get out, to feel the wind and the rain, and everything else that made him feel alive, but he couldn't as long as Kasuka was keeping an eye on him. It hadn't been easy to get Kasuka off his back, but a whole night of forcing him to stay awake as they watched a bunch of movies left his little brother a tired mess. It was easy to sneak out of the apartment after that.
There was no wind outside though, but the sun's rays felt pleasant on his too pale and cold skin. He had missed the sun, and the freedom of being able to just walk more than a few paces without having to turn back, like he had been forced to do in prison and inside the apartment.
At least he was in Shibuya, which meant that he could easily get to Shinjuku. He couldn't help but wonder how could Shinra afford an apartment in Shibuya and one in Ikebukuro, but then again, he really didn't want to know. Shinra was a little devil, quite the monster himself, so it was best to just be thankful to the man for helping him out instead of leaving him to get caught, brutally tortured by the Awakusu-kai and then killed. He didn't mind dying, because he deserved it for his sins, but he refused to do so until Izaya forgave him or until Izaya herself took the flickblade and killed him herself.
With that thought in mind he walked to the train station and took the one to Shinjuku. The problem was that he had no idea where Izaya lived, and that's why it took a lot of asking around and many hours wasted wandering around until he finally ran into someone who knew where Shinjuku's Informant lived. Shizuo glared at the money he had left after paying the woman for the information, but at least he had enough for a ride back to Shibuya.
He stopped in front of the apartment building and stared at the window that was supposed to belong to Izaya's apartment. He felt a headache coming his way, Kasuka's obsession with not letting him smoke while he was still healing driving him mad. His throat was burning for a cigarette, but if he were to buy a pack then he wouldn't have enough money left to go back, and with the Awakusu-kai still looking for him, it was not a good idea to wander the streets too much.
It was funny, how he couldn't get his legs to move, to get his body to enter the apartment building and to knock on her door. He knew she would be scared, most likely terrified, because he wasn't injured like that time when she came to see him. Now he could hurt her. He wouldn't though, never again, but she would most likely never take his word for it. Why would she? She saw him as a monster who deserved nothing but suffering, a monster who couldn't control himself. Shizuo however had the confidence of being able to refrain from touching her no matter how much she would rile him up. His time in prison helped him with his rage, because all those time he ended up chained up and drugged, he had no way of unleashing his fury on those who enjoyed torturing him so much. He now knew what it meant to be powerless, and because of that he never wanted to be the one to make someone feel like that.
He cursed out loud and sat down on the sidewalk. He couldn't walk up to her apartment and knock on her door. He didn't remember being such a coward before.
Then something unexpected happened. She just passes him by as though he didn't exist. His eyes widened in disbelief, and he barely restrained himself from getting up and grabbing her. It wasn't because he wanted to hurt her, he just wanted to feel her. He had missed her, all those months of mostly thinking about her being nothing but pure torture. Her horrible fashion sense was the same as always, but her hair was longer, which made her look more feminine. It had to be because of his black hair that she hadn't recognized him. After all the stuff he'd been through, he hadn't bothered to dye it back, and also because he associated the blond hair with the rage monster from that time.
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Force of Nature