Echoes of Humanity

Mu watched Shaka inquiringly, not sure what he was waiting for, but wondering what the Virgo Saint\'s reaction to this place would be. Shaka wasn\'t moving, simply standing with his arms hanging loosely at his sides. He said nothing, and after a moment Mu sighed

“I\'m going to go start a fire.” The Aries Saint said quietly, as unobtrusively as possible. “Please come in whenever you desire.”

Despite his words, Mu found himself watching his friend for a long moment before he walked away. The Virgo Saint was struggling so hard to find tranquility, and Mu hoped that propelling him into an alien environment wasn\'t going to be detrimental to that effort. He could only hope that the mountain would have the same impact on Shaka as it usually had on him. At the same time, he knew he had no right to make that assumption. They were alike, but certainly not the same. Hoping his instincts were not wrong, Mu forced himself to turn away and leave Shaka with his much-craved solitude.

Filled with more than a few misgivings, Mu walked into the small kitchen area of the place that had become his home, looking around curiously. Amazingly, Kiki had cleaned properly become going to Sanctuary, the dishes washed and dried. Even the food had been put away and the dishes used to hold it wiped off. He would have to remember this, the next time his student pressed his patience.

Walking to the small, externally-linked fireplace, Mu fully opened the chimney and grasped the poker, digging around in the ashes. He was further surprised, and pleasantly, to realize that Kiki had even bothered to bank the fire before leaving, a decent bed of red glowing underneath the colorless grey of spent wood. Mu smiled, relieved, and grabbed a few twigs off the pile a few feet away, impaling them in the coals and watching as they began to smoke.

Knowing the sticks would take a while to ignite, Mu wandered away into the living quarters, contemplating the much larger fireplace that was in there. Normally, they would only light one of the fires, either spending their time in the kitchen or cooking elsewhere. He stared at the cold cavern for a minute, considering the temperature and his guest. Finally, he sighed and knelt. They could easily enough use the kitchen stove to light the hearth. The extra effort would not be too great, and Mu refused to tell Shaka that he had to live in the kitchen if he wished to stay warm. He was pulling the base ingredients for a fire together when Shaka entered. The Virgo Saint watched him silently for a moment.

“Is there anything I can help with?” He asked. Mu pointed vaguely towards the pile of kindling and wood in the corner.

“I\'m just trying to start a fire. If you could…” He trailed off as Shaka got the idea, grabbing several different sized pieces of wood from the pile and dropping them on the hearth next to Mu. The Aries Saint meticulously formed a pyramid out of the wood, leaving a small hole in the middle for a burning log to be brought from the kitchen. When he was done, he arose, walking back to the kitchen for a rag to wipe his hands on. The fire had begun to smolder, and Mu placed a few larger pieces of wood on it. Grabbing the kettle, he walked to the large freshwater barrel in the corner, filling it and hanging it back up above the fire. Upon returning to the room, he found Shaka standing in the center of the room.

“Make yourself at home.” Mu said, wincing at the utter cliché\' words, but unable to create a better sentiment. Shaka smiled, gratefully enough, and glanced around for a moment before simply sitting cross-legged on one of the cushions placed on the floor for exactly that purpose. The Virgo Saint didn\'t quite adopt a formal posture, instead leaning back slightly, as though examining the roof. His eyes were closed, though, and Mu simply let him sit, walking past Shaka to enter the bedroom, wondering if he even had a clean set of linens available. Doing laundry here was never easy and although he and Kiki made sure to keep their own relatively clean, extra clothes and sheets were not kept in stock. Digging through the chest at the foot of his bed, Mu found an almost uncomfortably firm piece of fabric and padding qualified as a pillow, but that was mostly used to elevate injuries rather than to cushion a head. Placing it in the corner with a spare blanket, Mu looked at his bed. Shaka could have it, he supposed, if the Virgo Saint had no personal or moral objections to sleeping on sheets used by another. There was a futon in the living room, and Mu had no objections to using it.

Shaka hadn\'t moved by the time he returned, the Virgo Saint still lost in the middle-space of his thoughts, and Mu set the blanket and pillow on top of the futon before returning to the kitchen. The fire had begun in earnest, and the water had begun to bubble in the pot. Mechanically, Mu set out two mugs, taking the tea strainer and fresh tea from the shelf. He smiled when he looked at the strainer, realizing that Kiki hadn\'t remembered to do everything, and tapped the old leaves into the refuse bucket in the corner. Taking a pinch of new tea, Mu poured the steaming water slowly over them, watching the liquid darken as it slid through the dried leaves. Setting the tools aside, Mu left the tea on the table to cool and picked up the transfer slate and tongs, examining the fire carefully. One half-burned log was glowing a deep, almost crimson, red. Nodding to himself, Mu grasped it tightly in the tongs, pulling it to rest firmly on the slate. Quickly, he pulled both from the fire, walking rapidly to the other hearth and fitting the log into the previously-prepared hole. Shaka emerged from his shell to watch him as the Aries Saint pulled the smaller twigs and tinder over the glowing log. Mu breathed a sigh of relief when the tinder immediately caught fire, and the small sticks began to smoke, indicating that, as long as nothing fell the wrong direction, a fire would most likely start. He set the transfer implements at the edge of the hearth and returned to the kitchen, picking up the cups he\'d left.

Mu emerged from the kitchen area to find Shaka watching him warily. Smiling gently, the Aries Saint handed him one of the mugs, amused at the relief in Shaka\'s features when he discovered it was tea.

“I\'m afraid I only have black available.” Mu said, but the Virgo Saint shook his head.

“That is fine.” Shaka said quietly, wrapping his hands around the mug. After a moment, Mu slid down to sit cross-legged on the rug a few feet from Shaka. For a while, neither said anything, but simply contemplated their mugs and the shimmering surfaces thereof. From time to time, they took careful sips, savoring the warm and blessedly bitter liquid.

When they had each consumed about half, Mu spoke again.

“Are you…feeling better?” He asked. Shaka traced a finger around the rim of his mug, and graced Mu with the ghostly smile that the Aries Saint had so come to treasure.

“Much.” Shaka replied. “Thank you for allowing me to intrude.”

Mu\'s eyes widened slightly. He thought about saying that Shaka was not intruding, but he had the opinion that the Virgo Saint was in the type of mood where such an answer would probably frustrate him. “I\'m glad I could help.” The Aries Saint said instead, still unsure if he was actually doing anything that was helping.

“Would you like to retire?” He asked, “Or is there something you need?”

Shaka smiled, somewhat wryly. “Although I am disciplined enough to be able to manage it, I think the combination of sugar from our earlier refreshments, and the unavoidable adrenaline produced by my body would probably make sleeping difficult.”

“I understand.” Mu said, and he did, perfectly. He looked around. “Then I suppose our options are talking or, “ He gestured, “if you see something that interests you?”

Shaka followed his hand, and Mu expected disinterest. However, the Virgo Saint\'s eyes fell on a small, legged box in the corner. While Mu watched, Shaka rose and walked over to it, running his hands slightly reverently over the polished and well-cared for wood.

“Do you play?” The Virgo Saint asked. Mu felt a thrill of hope.

“When I was younger, my master insisted upon it.” He said, the words tinted slightly by the pain of remembrance.

Shaka nodded. “And now?”

“I insist that my own student play me from time to time, but his mind has not yet calmed to the intricacies needed for the game.”

Shaka made a sound of agreement, and Mu stood, joining the Virgo Saint in his contemplation of the go board.

“If you are interested?”

Shaka hissed breath from between his teeth. “It has been a long time since I played, and I was not trained long. I would likely be a pitiful opponent.”

Mu smiled. “You forget that I just said that I have been playing Kiki for two years.”

Shaka regarded him in silence for a moment. “I think I might enjoy playing you.” He said, finally.

Mu hoped his eyes didn\'t brighten as much as he felt like they did. He knelt, reaching underneath the board, and pulled the two pots of stones from underneath the goban, walking with them to the center of the room. Walking back to Shaka, he gestured at the board and, between the two of them, they carefully and considerately carried it closer to the fire. The both settled at opposite ends of the board, pulling their now nearly-empty cups of tea near them.

“Would you like to chose your stones in an official manner, or should we just pick?” Mu asked.

“I do not know the official rules.” Shaka replied, and Mu smiled.

“Take black, then.” Mu said, curious to know what Shaka\'s first move would be, and so was allowing the opening color to the Virgo Saint. Shaka simply nodded, pulling the dark-colored slate stones towards him, while Mu shifted the mother-of-pearl set in front of himself.

“Do you use,” The Virgo Saint searched for an unfamiliar word, obviously trying to pull it up from a distant memory, “komi?”

Mu shook his head. “I just would like to play. We don\'t even necessarily have to score the game.”

Shaka considered. “Take the half-point, in case we tie, although I have doubts that we will.”

Mu smiled. “I understand.” He settled back quietly, already contemplating the board and his moves. If Shaka was as untrained as he\'d implied, it was unlikely that the Virgo Saint knew any set openings for the game, and they would be playing by ear the entire way through.

Despite his thoughts, the first twenty moves of the game went fairly quickly. Shaka\'s game, while not polished, was tempered by just enough skill, and his very personality added a commendable strength to the game. By the beginning of the mid-game, both Mu and Shaka were deeply engaged in their plays. Eventually, Shaka sighed, looking over the board skeptically. He glanced up at Mu.

“Pass.” He said.

Mu nodded slowly, looking over the board a final time, looking for any moves that Shaka had missed. There were a few that he might have chosen to make, but they seemed unlikely to change the overall outcome of the game, and he nodded his agreement with the pass.

As Shaka had predicted, Mu had won by several moves, but not by a huge margin. Mu had simply taken a more aggressive approach, and had been more skilled at timing attacks. Mu had no doubt that, with a bit more experience, Shaka would easily be able to match him.

For a while, they discussed the game and the decisions made within it, while slowly cleaning up the board. After they had returned it to it\'s corner Mu stood, looking at it, for a long time. He realized suddenly that this was the first time he\'d played a game against anyone but Shion or Kiki on this particular board. He wondered what it meant, or if it meant anything at all. Looking over at where Shaka was once again sitting on the floor, he wondered why he wanted it to mean something. Slowly, Mu made his way back Shaka\'s side.

“Could I get you more?” He asked, nodding to the empty cup in Shaka\'s hand. The Virgo Saint shook his head.

“I\'m alright.” He said, and Mu bent to take his cup from it, carrying it back to the kitchen. He laid them on the table, deciding that he would do the dishes tomorrow. He had no desire to reheat the water, or any desire to do anything else but rest this evening, and spend time with Shaka. He checked himself on the last, but allowed the thought to come to pass without berating himself.

When he returned, he found Shaka lying on his back, eyes closed. The Virgo Saint rose gracefully into a sitting position at his approach, but did not open his eyes.

“Thank you for the game.” Shaka said, quietly, and Mu almost smiled. He wasn\'t certain Shaka should be the one giving thanks.

“Is there anything else you need, or wish to do?” He asked.

“At the moment, I simply want to exist and understand this moment.” The Virgo Saint replied, turning his head towards Mu.

Mu stared at Shaka for a moment as he contemplated the words, wishing that the Virgo Saint had not added the last, and wishing that he wasn\'t imagining that he could feel the cold-burning grey of Shaka\'s eyes even from underneath the blond lashes resting lightly on the Virgo Saint\'s cheeks. He swallowed, hard, as what had transpired over the past hours suddenly hit him. He had invited Shaka to his inner sanctum without hesitation, had allowed the Virgo Saint use of his hearth and provisions, and he had allowed Shaka to bear part in a ritual previously known only to his master, his student, and himself.

In his attempt to allow Shaka some peace, he had only succeeded in seeding the Virgo Saint as deeply into his life as possible. He exhaled quickly, thinking dimly that it sounded something like a groan, and dropped to his knees next to Shaka as a thousand emotions new and belated chose that moment to force their way from the center of his chest. Without thinking and seemingly against his own volition, Mu found himself reaching out, wondering at the feel of those beautiful eyelashes against his fingers.

“Please?” He whispered, not sure what he meant and letting Shaka decide for him. The Virgo Saint\'s hand came up, stopping Mu\'s own in it\'s path and pulling it down to rest on the ground between them.

“It\'s dangerous to beg.” Shaka said. “It usually means that your argument doesn\'t have the strength to convince.”

Mu\'s head dropped, and he stared at the ground.

“I can\'t go on like this, Shaka.” Mu said quietly. “I can\'t fulfill my end of the bargain because my mind seems to have lost all power over my actions. I\'m afraid I\'m not exactly being practical right now.” He said, his voice gradually getting stronger. He shifted, pulling himself closer to the Virgo Saint. “But I can\'t be practical,” He said, “Because I\'ve been foolish, and am completely obsessed with your company.”

Mu wanted this. He had found something with Shaka that, no matter what practicality said, he wanted to keep. No matter what conclusion they had reached so many days ago in the Aries Temple, he liked the warmth of sharing that he got when he was with Shaka, and he wanted to hold onto it as long as possible. As weak and as cowardly as it was, it meant that he was lying the entire responsibility of keeping their agreement intact in Shaka\'s hands. He could feel the Virgo Saint\'s hand trembling under his own, and forced himself to let go.

Shaka stood slowly and regarded Mu closely. The Aries Saint could feel the weight of his gaze, and hung his head.

“I\'m sorry, Shaka. I know I wasn\'t supposed to say it. I\'m not strong enough to deny it, though, and I\'m not even sure I want to deny it.”

The Virgo Saint stepped further away from him, and Mu hurriedly got to his feet, trying to meet the gaze and the disappointment, longing, and sadness that he was certain he would find there. He was unprepared for the sheer pull in the expression, though, and he tried to break away from the gaze as soon as he truly met it, finding himself unable to do so.

“I should probably go back.” Shaka said, simply, and Mu swallowed hard.

“I know.” The Aries Saint said, forcing the words out. “Please understand that this isn\'t what I intended, when I invited you here.”

“I don\'t think either of us intended it, Mu.” Shaka said quietly, gently. Mu smiled at him sadly, still caught up in the bipolar magnetism of Shaka\'s gaze and not sure how he was going to escape it. He could feel the tension between them growing; the carefully-crafted agreement to bury their attraction falling apart and being lost to the wind. He tried to step backwards, but found himself inexplicably closer to Shaka, his hand grasping Shaka\'s wrist. Shaka made no move to resist.

“Why is this happening?” Shaka asked, the words barely audible.

Mu smiled, sadly. He wasn\'t sure why he felt like he was about to cry, but he felt ragged, all the energy gained from Shaka\'s presence suddenly drained into his earlier confession. His hand tightened around Shaka\'s wrist. “I have no idea.” He admitted. “Maybe because, despite our denials, we want it too?”

Shaka sighed, and a sardonic smile ghosted around the edges of his mouth. “That wasn\'t quite what I meant.”

“I know.” Mu replied, tone somewhat resigned. “Would you accept that maybe it was supposed to happen?” He asked, hopefully. Shaka shook his head.

“I can not. It is far to simple an explanation, with far too much room for interpretation.”

Mu shook his head, vehemently. “I\'m not sure it is. Why are we needed?”

Shaka looked at him oddly, but the situation was surreal, and Shaka seemed willing to go along with him for the moment. “To fight for Athena, and those who cannot fight for themselves.”

“Exactly.” Mu said. “We were chosen by Athena and our Cloths because of whatever quality it is that makes us worthwhile to her. It is such with all the gods. For Athena, it is not so much our strength that she treasures as our humanity and our willingness to defend humanity. If we were chosen such, would it not seem to follow that perhaps we would share in weaknesses inherent to the humanity we defend?”

Shaka was silent for a moment. “The flaws in your argument are huge.” He said quietly. Mu trembled, and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could, however, Shaka continued. “So why is it that I want so badly to accept it?”

“I think answering that would create a circular conversation.” Mu replied, taking a half-step forward, which Shaka did not deny him. Growing bold, Mu continued forward, shifting his grasp to Shaka\'s hand, suddenly determined not to let go.

Shaka stared at their tangled fingers for a long moment.

“Where are we supposed to go from here?” He asked quietly, wondrously.

The Aries Saint let out a choked laugh. “How should I know? I never got any lessons in this.”

“Perhaps we should go back and ask Milo.” Shaka said wryly, and Mu smiled.

“He yelled at me. The last person I ever expected to get a lecture from.”

“He berated me, as well. He swore a lot and seemed quite convinced that I was an arrogant, stuck-up fool.”

“You probably are.” Mu replied, quite certain that the Virgo Saint wouldn\'t take offense. “I\'m sure he had a few choice adjectives to describe me, as well.”

He was surprised when Shaka tightened his grip. “He did. Quite a few. He deeply admires you, you know?”

“I don\'t know why.” Mu replied, and Shaka sighed.

“I do. He feels that he owes you, after what he did.”

Mu hissed. There was another secret story that Shaka knew. “He told you?”

“Not directly. He definitely wanted me to guess it, though. I must say that I\'m surprised. I feel the same as he does - I probably would have hurt him, if not killed him.”

“Perhaps. I might have, as well, under different circumstances. The look in his eyes was unbearable, though. Besides, you and I have varying perspectives on the gravity of his trespass.”

“You think that molestation and assault are acceptable?” Shaka asked wryly.

“No, but I imagine it is more important to you, given what you are.”

Shaka stiffened. “Why such an assumption?”

Mu looked at him tiredly. “Give me some credit, please.”

Shaka deflated, unwilling to fight such a battle. “I have a hard time believing that you are not more concerned.”

Mu shook his head. “Despite what Milo may have led you - and himself - to think, he didn\'t actually do anything. The only thing he owed me was an apology, and I think I\'ve received dozens of those, through word and action.”

“He doesn\'t seem to think so.”

Mu smiled. “I know. I think it\'s part of who he is. He trusts his heart to guide him, and can\'t bear for it to lead him astray.”

Shaka didn\'t say anything for a long moment, shifting against Mu and threading his arms around the Aries Saint\'s shoulders. “Maybe that\'s our problem - all of our problem. We\'re all simply two-dimensional in our actions. We think, or we feel, but none of us ever do both.”

“Not all of us. Aiolia and the Taurus Saint seem to have it figured out, or are very good at pretending that they have.”

“They\'re the lucky ones, although I doubt that I would normally considering thinking one of the Leo Saints strong points.” Shaka said dryly, making Mu smile. He took a deep breath.

“I think maybe we\'re figuring it out.” Mu said quietly, tilting his head to look up at Shaka, to see how the Virgo Saint would take the words. Shaka smiled.

“Perhaps.” Shaka whispered, relaxing slightly.

Carefully, Mu encircled Shaka with one arm, still halfway waiting for the moment when one or the other of them would panic and reinstate the former contract between them. With his free hand he reached out to pull Shaka to him, leaning forward to kiss him, the gesture hesitant and unsure. Shaka let him, even instigating firmer contact between them when he shifted forward a half-step.

When they broke apart, Mu simply stared at Shaka, waiting for whatever was supposed to come next.

“Definitely not thinking.” The blond confirmed, and Mu smiled.

“I\'m not sure it\'s such a bad thing.” He murmured. Shaka said nothing, and Mu realized just how very tired he was. He stepped back.

“Do you still want to leave?”

Shaka seemed to consider the question for a moment, then glanced behind him. He turned, walking towards the far wall. He contemplated the folded futon mattress for a moment, then turned back to Mu. The Aries Saint tried very hard to look disinterested, and at the very most simply curious. He could practically see as Shaka sifted through a dozen answers, and waited to see which the Virgo Saint would settle on. He knew, firsthand, just how many there were to choose from.

After almost five minutes, Shaka sighed. “I don\'t think…” He said hesitantly, “That I have anywhere that would suit me better.”

It wasn\'t the answer Mu was expecting, and he stared at the Virgo Saint, once again terrified. Shaka reached out to him, and Mu went to him, hoping that Shaka could make him feel as safe as he always did. He felt inordinately guilty about his cowardice. He had ripped apart their relationship, and he should be the one to take the blame. Shaka seemed to share none of his thoughts, and embraced him without hesitation. Mu stared sightlessly at the chest of the Virgo Saint, searching blindly through his knowledge for something appropriate to say. He was unsure what to say, and Shaka just held him. Shaka\'s company was as safe a place as it had ever been, lulling him even deeper into exhaustion, the feeling okay in Shaka\'s presence, despite the fact that the Virgo Saint himself was shaking slightly. He wanted to kiss Shaka again, he realized, and it was in that moment that the Virgo Saint leaned down, and Mu found himself getting what he wanted. He melted against Shaka bonelessly, wondering how he had managed to wait his entire life before experiencing this warm, comforting, and entirely terrifying emotion that the action sent coursing through his body.

Mu pulled himself harder against Shaka, reaching out to link their hands together again as they broke apart. Catharsis blazed through him, exhaustion following it fast, and Mu felt his knees buckle, Shaka coming with him as he crumpled onto the futon.

“I,” Mu said, pausing for a moment. “Have no idea what I\'m doing.”

He felt as much as heard the exhalation of air that might have been a laugh. Shaka shifted slightly. “I don\'t either, and I\'m too tired to think about it right now.” The Virgo Saint said. “Moments of peace grant us the time to figure these things out, so I suggest we sleep and talk about it later.”

Shaka bent his head down to kiss him again gently, the most genuine smile he\'d seen softening the already beautiful features of the Virgo Saint, and Mu realized with desperate certainty that he wanted this. He was still scared of the alien quality of the entire situation, still terrified of what the future might bring but, in this moment, with Shaka, he felt the safest that he had since Shion\'s death. No longer able to fight, lay his head across Shaka\'s chest, feeling a rapid heartbeat under his cheek. Closing his eyes, he willed sleep upon himself, finding it remarkably easy to master in Shaka\'s arms.