This is the life

Actually Mello was back after a few minutes with one of Mary’s cooking spoons. Again and again he had reconsidered whether he should really do this, and finally came to the conclusion that maybe it would be right but that he couldn’t afford to hurt Matt.
He sighed as the redhead lifted his head.
“Matt… I… I cannot do it. It’s… I’m sorry, I…”
Matt smiled joyless. “You’ve tortured thousands of people for the mafia and yet you think you’re not able to punish me?”
“Matt, you’re far too old for something like that, we both are… I mean, it’s not normal, I just cannot lay you over my knees and spank you like a little child, I…”
Matt nodded. “Alright. I’ve to live with that.” Then he stood up and left the room. “Matt…”, Mello called him and rolled after him but the redhead seemed to ignore him which scared the hell out of Mello.
“Matt, what are you going to do?”
But Matt didn’t even stop walking but disappeared in L’s bathroom and closed the door behind himself.

Matt could indeed understand Mello’s point of view. But he felt so… dirty, filthy, as if the poison inside him turned out to make him a monster. It had to get out him, before it owned him.
Slowly he opened the bathroom cabinet. If Mello wouldn’t punish him, he’d do it by himself.
He gulped at the razorblade he just had brought out of the cabinet. It shone, was new, was sharp. Slowly he sat it a few millimeters above the bandage on his his left arm. It did hurt… But the pain felt good, like an exemption, such as…
At this moment the lock of the door gave away under the hits Mello had given all along. Now the blonde sat in front of him looked at him horrified and equally angry, while he only stood there, with the blade still in his hand and a thin line of blood dripping off his arm.
Mello puffed then grabbed him forward, Matt let the blade fall down and was pulled back into L’s room.
“What’s the meaning of this Matt? Do you still plan to kill yourself?!”
Matt stared defiantly aside. In his point of view he hadn’t done anything wrong.
He knew where the arteries were and had intentionally missed them. But Mello was beside himself with rage.
“You fuckin’ idiot!” With these words Mello gave his lover a firm slap into the face.
But in spite of Matt being sorry, he was truculent like he’d not even been during puberty.
“What’s the matter? It’s my business, ok?! What I do with my body or don’t do. If you can’t bring yourself to punish me I have to do it…”
Mello cut him off by grabbing his arm and squeezing it. “That’s what you want, Matt? Well, lay down over the desk. And I warn you if you even try to defend yourself or attack me, Then you really will get a lecture.”
“No! You didn’t want to punish me, so I’ve done it myself. Please don’t change your opinion every 5 minutes! – Ouch!!!”
Mello had taken the wooden spoon which was still on the table and beat it hard again Matt’s upper tigh.
“Now do what I say, for god’s sake, or you’ll receive the rest on your tighs, too!”
The redhead jerked. He hadn’t imagined it like that and not at least expected the blonde to get so brutal at once.
He snorted briefly but bent forward with the upper half on the table. He heard the wood whistling through the air and felt the draft before it hit him, and then the burning pain in his body.
“OW!”, he cried briefly, but wasn’t able to say something before the next smack on his butt.
“Did you enjoy it so much, to be fucked by these guys or why do you necessarily want me to hurt you?!” Again the spoon whistled in the air and met with Matt’s rump.
The redhead already had tears in his eyes by the pain. It burned like fire and he couldn’t think about anything else than ‘ I’ve deserved this so I must receive it…’
The more Mello hit him, the more he grew in his rage and his beating went harder, until Matt finally didn’t even cry out anymore but only sobbed.
Then Mello let the spoon fall down and rolled next to Matt.
“Hey…”, he said quietly. Somehow he got the feeling he had gone too far and he was sorry for it now.
Matt’s entire body trembled and he wept.
“Matty, I…”
Then the redhead suddenly turned to him and fell into his arms.
“I’m so sorry… I won’t do it anymore, please… Please forgive me…”
Mello felt like his heart was just stabbed.
“But Matty, I told you I forgave you… You slow-wit… What do you only do…”
Reassuring the blonde caressed the back of the redhead, when he went out of words. What should he say?
“Please, don’t leave me, Mel, I… I cannot live without you…”
“Hush… Who says I want to leave you? You fool… As I would leave you now I know you only build crap when you’re on your own… Matt I know, it doesn’t seem like it sometimes… But I do love you, ok? I won’t leave you. Never.”
For some reason Matt couldn’t stop crying. He clawed to his lover in his wheel chair.
Mello was more uncertain than ever about what he could do now. And he still was sure he had gone too far. Slowly he tried to pull up his friend until he could look into his eyes.
Matt’s gaze was scared, teary and desperate. Mello stretched out his arm and caressed a tear away from matt’s cheek. “I love you, Matty… Don’t forget this…”
“I… I… I… love you, too, Mel…”
“Can you get up? I’d like to… Sit down somewhere with you or… if you’re hurt too much, even lie down, I mean…”
Matt nodded and a few minutes later Mello sat on the couch with Matt’s head on his lap.
“You’re… “, Mello sighed. “Are you ok again?”
“Yes… Thank you… I…”
The blonde shook his head. First Matt begged for a beating and when he finally had got it he actually thanked him for giving him…
But the main thing was Matt to feel better so he wouldn’t ever come up with such a stupid idea…
“Oh, and… Mel?” suddenly came from matt. “No, I didn’t enjoy it.”
“Hm?”, Mello didn’t absolutely know, what he was talking about.
“When… When I… was fucked by those…”
Only now Mello realized what he had claimed before.
“Matt… I shouldn’t have said that… I know you… That they hurt you…”
Matt shook his head. “Don’t apologize… I just wanted to answer your question. No I deserved this punishment for hurting you… I… I didn’t want you to think I didn’t want to see you because of your…”
This was the first time in three days Mello was reminded of his scarred face.
He sighed and lowered his head. “I really don’t look good anymore…”


A/N: Than to xxbeyondxbirthdayxx for betaing.