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How to Save a Life	By : saxonjesus Category: +. to F > D. Gray Man Views: 4511 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: We own nothing. The D. Gray-verse is only our playground, we make no profit from our littlle adventures.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
Chapter
17--On the Way to a Smile

In
three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.
---Robert Frost

Lavi didn't wait for the verdict to be announced. He just stood up and followed
Yuu out at a brisk walk, hoping to catch up within a few moments. His
roommate's pace was fast, but Lavi was able to reach out and grasp his arm just
before he'd opened the main door. The boy turned around, an angry, almost hurt,
expression on his face. His eyes glinted, then calmed.

"Lavi," he said in greeting, his voice almost curt.

"Yuu," the redhead responded, nodding. It seemed very important,
necessary even, to continue with the excessive formality, as if that was the
only thing keeping Yuu from breaking down in public. He would respect the
dark-haired boy's implicit wish, wouldn't push him past whatever boundaries
were keeping him sane.

They walked over to a small alcove near the public toilets, and Lavi pulled his
roommate into an embrace the second they'd ducked into it. With gentle hands,
he brought Yuu's face to his shoulder so that the Japanese boy would not have
to face the world, even if it was just for a moment. He was not considering the
fact that he really just wanted to hold the guy he liked. Seriously. He wasn't
thinking that at all.

They stood there, alone, for an indeterminate amount of time--no one came in,
everyone too preoccupied with the announcement of the verdict. Sadly, this
small peace that Lavi so coveted could not go on forever--the case was open and
shut, and sooner or later, the throngs of observers and media would come
flocking out of the courtroom and someone would invariably have to take a
piss--it almost felt as if it wasn't Lavi who was the one protecting Yuu from a
complete breakdown, but instead the other way around. It felt to him as if just
having the other boy close was reassuring, as if even though it seemed like
everything could fall apart at a moment's notice, if they just stuck together,
it would all stay in one piece. So he held on tighter, buried his head at the
crook of Yuu's neck and shoulder, where nothing could hurt them.

To the redhead's eternal disgust, the first person to have to follow the call
of nature was a reporter. He was middle-aged and maybe around five-foot-two
(short fucker, Lavi thought snidely), with thinning dark brown hair that swung
further and further into his eyes at every step. The reporter's face went from
pained and angry to nearly ecstatic in less than a second. Almost immediately,
he was upon them.

"Kanda-san!" He called, coming toward them with surprising speed for
a short old geezer. It kind of reminded Lavi of Bookman, but even the old panda
was shorter than this guy. It had to be some kind of statistic, the redhead
thought. Tall people must, statistically-speaking, be slower than short people.

"What was your reaction to the verdict?" The man was now reaching
into his jacket pocket, searching for something to write in the tiny notebook
he held in his other hand.

Lavi, sensing danger, began to pull Yuu from the alcove, murmuring "no
comment" as they passed the reporter. It was almost a relief to enter into
the main hallway and see it jammed with people. They'd be less noticeable this
way. They pushed their way through the mass of observers and eventually came
upon Tiedoll speaking with the nanny. Or attempting to. The nanny was looking
hopelessly lost as Tiedoll stumbled to speak even one sentence.

"A-anata wa... um... wa... wait, no--oh, merde. C'est
trop difficile. Parles-tu
anglais?--er, wait...
um... eigo wo--um--hanashi... masu... ka?"

The poor nanny looked somewhere between bemused and horrified. She shook
her head, mouth somewhat ajar, eyes wide as a fish's.

"A-anou..." It seemed that stuttering was in season, as the
nanny just stared, wide-eyed, shaking her head and making desperate, flailing
attempts to get her point across. Obviously, she could speak neither French nor
English. Tiedoll seemed to understand and drooped a little, probably in
disappointment.

Lavi thought he heard Yuu sigh in exasperation, and his suspicion was confirmed
as the dark-haired boy strode past him and up to his former care-giver. The
woman's eyes widened a bit more as his roommate approached, and when the boy
was just in range, she threw her arms around his neck. It was quite a shocking
action, especially for the recipient of said hug. Surprisingly, though,
Yuu took it in stride, waiting for the woman to finish her assault. His face
only looked slightly shell-shocked. Tiedoll seemed thoroughly taken aback by
his charge's lack of physical violence in response to human contact. Hell, even
Lavi was. And was that... a tiny smile? Just a vague lift to the corner of his
lips, but it was something, a sign of emotion and not the cold, unfeeling
zombie-like state he had been in for the past two weeks.

Ito-san gently took a step back, her hands still resting on Yuu's shoulders.
She brought up her right and placed it in an almost motherly way on the
dark-haired boy's cheek. "Yuu..." she murmured, and she seemed almost
wistful as she smiled at the Japanese boy. Her smile turned wry after a moment,
though. "I guess I can't use 'chan' anymore, though." She
laughed a little and let her hand caress the length of Yuu's cheek. He shook
his head in response--a small effort, subtle and subdued, just like his smile.

"Onee-san." It was the first thing Yuu had said since he'd
left the courtroom, and it was so smooth, so unlike anything he'd ever said
before, excepting the times he'd comforted Lavi. It was benevolent, almost, and
endearingly sweet. Then he surprised Lavi (and Tiedoll, he saw from the corner
of his eye) by half-launching himself forward and back into her arms. The nanny
looked dumbfounded, receiving him with a little "oof," taking
a step back. After a moment, her surprised expression softened, and she ran a
hand along the back of Yuu's head. He responded by doing what looked
suspiciously like a nuzzle into her breast. "You're alright."

A soft laugh, more like a tinkle of bells than any human utterance, just barely
reached Lavi's ears. Ito-san pulled her former charge closer. "Of course I
am, Yuu--I'm just glad you survived. After you disappeared from the police
station, I was worried..."

Yuu froze against the nanny's subtle figure. Sensing something was wrong, the
nanny blinked and looked down. Yuu, it seemed, would not (could not?)
pull away, but shakes were starting to run down his frame, appearing most
strongly in the joints at his knees.

What happened next bewildered Lavi a little. It made a sick sort of sense,
seeing as she had once taken care of Yuu, but still, the tiny mumbles that
everything was alright, the sweet whispers that whatever was bothering him was
far, far away, they reminded Lavi of the exact kind of comfort he had both
given to and received from his roommate. He hadn't expected Ito-san to be such
a perceptive and gentle caregiver, but apparently she had no problem handling
the dark-haired boy at all.

"Why don't you all come to my apartment?" She asked, looking up and
speaking directly to Tiedoll, who looked hopelessly lost. Lavi signaled to her
that he could understand, and she sighed in relief, smiling again as she
continued. "It's small, but I'm sure you will be most welcome. We can stop
for groceries for dinner on our way back."

Translating quickly, Lavi immediately got a gracious "yes" from
Tiedoll. Yuu seemed to relax a bit at the prospect as well, as if being in
familiar arms was reminding him that his past could not harm him here.

---

The apartment was spacious but still a bit on the small side. Ito-san's husband
was kind, and it surprised Lavi to see him take charge of the cooking once the
fresh ingredients were unpacked. Soon, the savory, thick scent of vegetable oil
searing through hot, battered vegetables and shrimp was wafting from the
kitchen to the low kotatsu in the adjacent room.

Lavi heard Ito-san laugh from the other room, and immediately after, the paper
door slid open, admitting her into their midst. They were a strange
company--Tiedoll looked far too tall to truly belong, and with the way he was
fidgeting, it was no far stretch of the imagination that he felt out of place.
And it wasn't as if Lavi wasn't feeling distant as well. It was like he was
intruding on some intimate family moment--the reuniting of some long-lost relative
or sibling.

Ito-san placed a tray of teacups and a pot of tea onto the table. Smiling
generously, she poured them each a cup. When at last everyone had been served,
she turned so that she was facing Yuu.

"You look well," she remarked. "How have you been?"

Yuu cleared his throat, looking away, but remained otherwise stoic. It was a
defense mechanism, Lavi had come to realize. "I've been alright." He
wasn't all that great at lying, but he said this with such authority that it
almost seemed true, like if he wished for it hard enough, his past would simply
melt away until it was nothing more than bland, obliterated shadows of nullity.

The nanny raised an eyebrow, looking more than a little doubtful, but she
dropped it. At least for the time being. Obviously, she could read Yuu's moods
far better than even Lavi could.

"How did you end up with your guardian, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I..." Yuu paused, looked around almost wildly, as if seeking an
answer for himself. "I... was found by the police and put through the Dark
Order Adoption Agency." Simple. Mundane. Yuu-chan. Lavi grinned inwardly
and nodded encouragingly at his roommate.

"Oh!" Ito-san looked surprised, then angry. "I told those
officers to tell me if they ever got word of you!"

"I... was mugged," Yuu explained, falsely. "Perhaps they didn't
want you to come in and see, uh, the extent of my injuries."

Lavi stifled a laugh. He shouldn't be amused by his roommate's misfortune,
especially since he didn't actually find it funny. Really, he just thought
"extent of my injuries" sounded a little... tame. After all, how Yuu
had described himself after the whole ordeal... there was no way they would let
anyone besides the doctors and the potential adoptive families in to see him.
Just seeing his old nanny might have broken his fragile mindset of the time.
There was still a potential for such a breakdown now, if Lavi was reading the
signs correctly. The redhead was under the impression that if Yuu thought
Ito-san knew, or at least suspected, anything, he would literally fall apart.

It might have been luck, or perhaps Ito-san sensed something about the
direction of the conversation, but she very deftly began to steer the topic
toward Lavi's life, and she seemed very interested in what Tiedoll did for a
living--even if the old man couldn't string two words together to explain. Yuu
ended up translating, which seemed to end up being a good distraction for all.
By the time the food came, there was riotous conversation, and everyone was
laughing along together like old pals, Lavi included.

It was a first for the redhead. Ever since he had apprenticed himself to
Bookman, he had never felt quite like he belonged. Even with Yuu and his silent
companionship, Lavi had always felt just a little bit like an outsider. Maybe
it was his Bookman training, but regardless, he felt perfectly in the moment
for the first time since he was six. All his smiles felt real, and whenever he
laughed, he really, truly meant it.

He also wanted to lean across the kotatsu and kiss Yuu, but he would not
fall in to that temptation.

They stayed till long after the sun had fallen. It was such a comfortable
atmosphere that as they were being shown the door, it almost felt to Lavi as if
it was his own house he was leaving, and from the sudden downcast look Yuu had
gained, the feelings were not only his own. The nanny bid them farewell from
the door, waving and calling loudly for them to please return. Tiedoll patted
his pocket, in which resided a small notepad where he'd taken down her phone
number and email address for later reference. Yuu had looked very tense during
the entire exchange, but once Ito-san had finished writing out her information,
the dark-haired boy had let out a relieved breath. No, Lavi thought, he wasn't
being obvious at all. Clearly, this woman was very important to him, and even
the densest of people could notice. Hell, Tiedoll had.

--

Tiedoll bid the two boys goodnight and was soon snoring away like he had a mini
chainsaw in his throat. It was a pleasant distraction to the whirring sound his
thoughts were making at the moment. It was a nice counter-melody, Yuu thought,
as he rolled over, trying to suffocate all negative energy with his pillow. It
wasn't working, just like every night he tried to do this. It would probably
end up being another sleepless, memory-filled night, which wouldn't be good for
the early morning flight time or for the sixteen hours in an enclosed space
with strangers. It seemed like a recipe for disaster; the last thing he wanted
was to be put on an FBI watch-list because of some mental breakdown in the
terminal.

Just when Yuu had been about the give up on sleep as an impossibility, a
frustrated sigh came from the other side of the bed. The noise was immediately
followed by a shifting of body weight and an irritated groan. Yuu turned so
that he could face his bed-mate (the lesser of two evils--there was no way in
hell he would spend a night in a bed with Tiedoll). Lavi was sitting up,
hands to his eyes, rubbing furiously at them as if trying to imbue them with
sleep. Trying not to alert the redhead to his attentions, Yuu reached his hand
out and placed it lightly on Lavi's shoulder. The boy gasped and jumped, his
hands falling from his eyes and down to the bed, where they could better support
him in case he was being attacked. Yuu glared at him. His eyes said what he
would not in order to keep the metrosexual country's painting idiot asleep:
"don't be loud and annoying." Lavi got the message and nodded.

"Couldn't sleep either?" Lavi asked, ignoring Yuu's eye-message. The
Japanese boy shook his head, his dark hair a swaying pendulum from the
movement. "Yeah, me too," Lavi continued, keeping his voice very,
very hushed. It was an almost inaudible whisper. Like they were keeping a secret.

In the background, Tiedoll snored away.

"So how are you really feeling?" Lavi asked, and Yuu knew he was
referring to his uniform reply of "fine" each time he was asked that
question. But now, in the silence, in this special, unique secrecy guided by
whispers and darkness, Yuu thought that maybe he could answer.

"Shit," he said.

It was true. Ever since the phone call, he'd been remembering far too much. And
when Natsuko-nee-san had asked him about what had happened to him after he'd
disappeared from the police station, the thoughts just came swirling downward,
static like an old television set but still so very, very vivid. The cries from
next door when he was exhausted and used, the cries spewing from his own mouth,
despite him being so exhausted and used. Pain, pain, pain, then some blinding
lights, and then finally darkness. And all too soon, the lights were back, and
that... that lady would be there, whispering sweet nothings in his ear
as she took his hand and placed it in the dark patch of hair between her legs,
calling him pet names as she coaxed a reaction from him until finally she could
stroke his head as she held him close, so close...

He gritted his teeth. "Shit," he repeated, hating the edge in his
voice.

A larger hand reached out and clasped around his still outstretched one. Lavi
slid his fingers between Yuu's slighter ones until the grasp was firm and
comfortable, supportive and safe.

"Do I want to know?"

"No."

"You know, all things considered, I'm glad that you're still alive. I
don't know what I'd do if you weren't," Lavi admitted quietly. His eyes
looked strange and deep, so Yuu turned away, blushing a bit.

"You wouldn't do anything--you'd be dead."

"Ouch, Yuu, that hurts."

"I'm just calling it as I see it."

"Bastard."

"Idiot."

"Asshole."

"Smart-ass."

"Haha!" Lavi proclaimed, managing to whisper-shout in a way that
seemed eardrum-burstingly loud but which didn't actually make Tiedoll stir at
all. "You've contradicted yourself! You must now be my slave for a day!"

Yuu didn't want to shudder, because he knew Lavi didn't mean it that way, but
he'd played "slave" enough to hate the powerlessness, to despise the
weakness, and to detest the whippings. Yuu didn't want to shudder, but he did.
The larger hand in his gripped tighter, and Lavi scooted closer.

"Sorry, Yuu," he said, and if he'd had ears, Yuu would swear he could
see them drooping, "I didn't mean it that way."

"I know." His voice was broken and soft. He hated it. He hated it as
much as he hated himself for being so damned weak.

"You know I'll never hurt you, right?"

"Yes." Once again, his voice hurt to hear.

"So then trust me, 'kay?"

Something soft collided with--well, gently touched--his cheek. It took Yuu a
moment to realize that Lavi had kissed him. By then, the other boy was already
looking away. If he was blushing, Yuu couldn't tell; it was too dark. He
reached out with his unoccupied hand and placed it on the redhead's cheek,
turning it back so that they were looking at each other once more. Or maybe
gazing. It was hard to tell with those stupid romantic terms. Yuu drew the
other boy closer, knowing he was just as red as Lavi felt under his cool
fingers.

Their noses bumped, which was okay, because even though it was kind of awkward,
it gave them both a moment to collect their thoughts. Yuu tilted to the right,
leaning in, craning his neck just a little so that their lips could finally
meet--

A rumble much like a chainsaw taking down a particularly stubborn tree
interrupted them, and they both backed up, frozen in fear, as they watched
Tiedoll stir and then flop from his back to his stomach. Thankfully, his snores
were muffled somewhat by that action.

"Uh, sorry," Lavi muttered after a long silence. "I--you--I
thought you had an eyelash. That's why I got so close."

"Me too," Yuu murmured back. They didn't let their hands fall from
each other, though.

"I'll, uh, go to bed now, I think," the redhead whispered.

"Okay."

Maybe an hour later, once Lavi's breathing had evened out, Yuu leaned over and
kissed his roommate briefly on the lips. "Sweet dreams," he mumbled.
No one else, not even Lavi, would ever hear those words from him, but he
legitimately wished that the redhead would sleep well.

He allowed himself to curl up near to Lavi, and he found that falling asleep
was easier when you had a warm, safe body next to you and another hand in yours.

---

December 16

Daisya was, naturally, in front of the large television set, playing video
games. It obviously didn't matter to him that it was six in the morning, and
Yuu knew enough about his adoptive brother to understand that the eccentric boy
had been up all night. His eyes looked bloodshot and strained, kind of like a
crack addict's. Only intent on the flashing screen in front of him. Yuu slunk
past him, carting a catatonic, zombie-like rabbit with him, but Tiedoll,
naturally, stopped the procession with one of those ill-timed questions that he
always seemed to have.

"Wow, Daisya, you've worked really hard on this game!" Tiedoll
exclaimed, far too loudly for Yuu's quiet-sensitive ears. They'd been too
exhausted to speak when Komui had picked them up from the airport, and already,
said scientist was inching toward the basement, obviously trying to avoid the
oncoming conflict. Yuu wanted to make a bid for the stairs, but his usual
agility was strangely lacking. It had to have been from that awful, cramped
space on the airplane that the attendants called a "seat." Somehow,
Lavi had taken over all the legroom. And had snored soundly the entire ride,
not moving more than once or twice to cling annoyingly to Yuu's arm.

Yuu would have been bothered had Lavi not looked so damned cute and innocent
while asleep. He'd looked around to guarantee their privacy and kissed his
roommate again, this time on the forehead, at one point. Just too damned
adorable. Like a sleeping, nose-twitching little rabbit. Yuu just wished he
could have drawn whiskers on the other boy.

He would have to invest in some eyeliner to accomplish that. Or he could just
steal it from Lenalee.

"Yeah, I've logged nearly fourteen hours now," Daisya finally
replied, distracted by his game. He craned his neck to follow the characters'
progress.

"And what about those applications I talked to you about?" Tiedoll
rumbled. Yuu gave up common decency and made a bid for the staircase, hating
his legs for how they fumbled and slowed him down and made Lavi fall into him,
leaving them in a tangled pile on the ground. Trapped and wheezing, Yuu reached
out a hand and tried to pull himself farther away from the chaos about to ensue.

"Oh, yeah... those." Daisya still wasn't paying attention. It wasn't
like he knew proper social skills to begin with, but his tired mind wasn't
allowing him to compensate at all.

"Yes, those." The Frenchman's voice was a warning. Yuu scrambled out
from beneath Lavi and hoisted him into the air with unknown strength. Behind
him, the sizzling expectancy of confrontation was nearly at boiling point. The
air felt hot. A small droplet of sweaty desperation fell from Yuu's forehead,
landing soundlessly in the dark blue carpet.

"I got a little mixed up on them. When they say 'parent or guardian'...
well, I've got both, but since Ma and Dad can't take care of me..."

"That's why they have the 'guardian' option," Tiedoll explained.
"Did you at least finish the rest of the forms? How about the essays?"

The heat. It was threatening to burn them. Why couldn't Lavi feel it? Why was
he standing there, dazed and useless, unable to even support himself on his own
legs, in this obvious emergency? Tiedoll's voice was still so dangerous.
And after all he'd been through in the past couple weeks, Yuu didn't think he'd
be able to discriminate between his usually kind guardian and someone trying to
hurt him. Feeling was something that was still very hard for him to do; he'd
been avoiding it for so long that it was like he had no more tolerance. Or
maybe it was that he had already used up his lifetime quota for tolerance.
Maybe now he was going to just snap and go into a rage. It was annoying,
unnecessary. He clenched his teeth and started pulling Lavi up the stairs. His
mind was in panic mode, and the adrenaline made him stronger than usual. Like
when he fought tournaments against other schools. Like all those times he had
tried to defend himself. He'd almost beaten off an adult once, and he'd been
maybe eleven at the time. He shook those thoughts off and continued up the
stairs.

"Uh, no. I started playing this... I figured I'd wait until you got
back..."

Down the hall, through the door, and then they were locked in Yuu's personal sanctuary.
Soundproofed so that they wouldn't have to hear him scream (he'd asked Komui to
do it; frankly speaking, Tiedoll still didn't need to know). Whatever storm was
below them, they couldn't hear it.

Ignoring the guest bed, Yuu frogmarched Lavi over to his own bed, where he
flipped the covers back and deposited the useless redhead. Then, making sure
the vent that connected his room and Lenalee's was closed off--she had the
troublesome habit of reopening it when he wasn't in his room--he rolled into bed
himself. He didn't want to be alone tonight.

---

After breakfast, or dinner, as people who hadn't just woken up after a 16 hour
flight would call it, Yuu cut. Not a lot, just enough to stop the encroaching
faces that had been a constant screen over his vision since that goddamned
phone call. That really should have been enough. So why were they back,
stronger than before, only an hour after he'd done it? And why was the urge so
much stronger than it usually was? Granted, the faces had always been there, but
the last time they'd been this bad, he'd only needed to cut a little bit once
or twice a day. Now it seemed like he needed to every few hours, and every time
he did, it just made them come back faster and in greater number than before.
It was to the point where he wouldn't be able to function at all. He'd be blind
and paralyzed from the fear, the one fate, that at least to him would be worse
than any death. To not be able to see, to be unable to defend himself against
whatever might be out there in the dark, foggy haze of memory blurred into
reality, that torture that could quite literally be Hell.

The weakness had always been the worst part. His feeble arms were always
overpowered, and even though he marked them now, he could never undo the
invisible scars of the past.

Yuu watched the glistening slits in his skin scab over and disappear within
moments. It was almost fascinating now, to watch them fade as if they'd never
been there. His curse--that damned Lotus that was still in Bookman's
illegitimate custody--never allowed him the satisfaction of seeing what he'd
done, or what had been done to him. If he could at least see they were real,
maybe that would keep the faces away. But naturally, life just didn't want to
give him anything. It wasn't fair, he thought furiously, pulling the blade
across his skin, watching as more blood pooled in the gap that followed the
box-cutter's path. He just wanted to forget, and now he couldn't even do that.
The faces just kept pressing in on him, and if they didn't stop soon...

His hands started to shake. Putting the box-cutter down, the dark-haired boy
took a deep, calming breath and shut his eyes. Remember the darkness, he told
himself. Remember the safety it held. Go back to that. At first, the faces
struggled with the barrier he was trying to put up, but after a while, the
remnants of the pain he'd felt just moments ago caught up with them and
banished them away.

They wouldn't be gone for long, but at least they were out of the way for the
time being.

---

December 20

The fresh smell of pancakes could still be detected in the downstairs bathroom,
where Yuu was currently hiding out. He ducked his head into the inviting space
his knees provided and wrapped his arms around himself for safety. The trick of
closing his eyes was no longer working (he wasn't surprised; it usually
didn't). However, instead of faraway, fuzzy images, he was seeing the faces as
clearly as he did in daylight. Cutting no longer worked, nor did any source of
pain. Lavi had walked in on him breaking his leg yesterday and had been
suitably annoyed. The entire scene hadn't gone well, and Yuu had ended up in
his bed alone that night. He hadn't slept.

The exhaustion made it worse, made all the faces come into even sharper focus,
like a nightmare that was becoming more and more real. He wanted to break down
and cry, but the tears wouldn't come, would never come. He'd sealed them all
away. Even if he'd let some slip those few times in the last semester, they
were behind a lead-reinforced vault and would never see the light of day again.

Which was kind of how he was feeling now: hopeless. Like he was going back in
time to the days when smiles felt far off and useless, when light flickered
like fire and reeked of brimstone.

The pancakes were beginning to make him feel nauseous, so he decided it would
be best to venture out of his hiding place and make the long trek upstairs.
Opening the door cautiously, hoping no one would see him and decide it was a
good time to talk--which it most definitely was not--he made his way up the
steps. It was tough going, seeing as the faces kept swerving in front of him so
that he couldn't see the stairs beneath him. It also didn't help that it was
too bright. It was blinding, like having a migraine while staring directly at the
sun--so much light that even sound faded away. How far did these steps go,
anyway? It felt like he was climbing Mt. Everest, with the faces and the
blinding light like a snowstorm blocking his path to the summit.

Then suddenly, the storm lifted; his way to the top was open and he was only a
few steps away. Grabbing the banister, he made his way up. He knew he was
almost there, so even as the faces returned in all their disturbing glory, he
knew he could make it. But there was something holding him back, like a pair of
arms around his stomach, a face nuzzling into his back. And that was all the
coherent thought that passed through his mind.

Reacting on what was pure instinct, he pushed the offender away, not caring
when the sightless silence was broken by a crash and a slew of curses, he just
had to get away. From everything and everyone. He had to find a way to escape
whatever torment that invader had in mind for him. He had to escape the
memories and the vivid images that his mind kept throwing at him because he
couldn't function like this anymore. He just wanted to be left in peace.
That was all he wanted. He didn't want to get better, he didn't want to smile,
he didn't want to live in a life that was nothing but pain and a terror so
constricting that it was like breathing molten metal and sinking into the
blackest part of the ocean at the same time. It was freezing and burning, and
he just couldn't take it anymore. Why wasn't someone stopping it?

That was it. Why hadn't anyone stopped them, saved him when such a thing had
been possible? Why had he been forced to endure such torment and then burdened
to relive it day after day after day like it was his punishment for some cosmic
wrong-doing? Why wasn't he allowed to get over it? Why wasn't he allowed to be
normal, to say what was on his mind, to have friends, to sleep? It was like he
wasn't living at all, but rather dying a million times over. It was purgatory,
burning away all his sins--except that no sin deserved this punishment. Well,
no sin he had ever committed.

When finally he came to a rest, it was quiet. That was all he wanted to soothe
his panicked mind. It was dark, too. That was also what he wanted. Maybe, if he
stayed here, everything would go away, leave him in peace so that he could
finally find a little of that rest he had longed for. It was quiet and it was
warm, and finally, finally, he fell asleep.

---

December 20

Lavi had decided that enough was enough. Today would be the day that he would
just get everything out in the open. He was going to tell Yuu exactly how he
felt and hope that he didn't destroy his roommate's trust in him completely by
doing so. He'd made up his mind that he was going to make pancakes for
breakfast and bring a plate to Yuu and then make sure his roommate couldn't run
away. He was slightly worried, though; Yuu had been cutting a bit more than
normal recently and hadn't exactly been a part of reality. But Lavi hoped that
maybe if he confessed, it would snap the dark-haired boy out of it.

He had just plated the pancakes--they were a little crisp, but still edible in
Lavi's opinion--when a rather Yuu-chan-like squawk resounded from the living
room area. The shout was followed by a loud crash and a series of
Daisya-sounding curses. Tiedoll walked in, and the redhead saw him standing
over what was indeed Daisya, who looked to have suffered a concussion. He was
splayed in what could only be defined as an undignified lump, his limbs
sprawled out around him and blood seeping slowly from his head. It was a good
thing the carpet was dark, otherwise the stain could turn out ghastly.

But the source of the yelp from before the crash was nowhere in sight. His
roommate's guardian did not look pleased in any definition of the word, and he
also looked too peeved for any antonyms to properly fit the job.

"I dunno wha' his probl'm was. I jus' came up ta hug him and he pushed
me!" Daisya was slurring out as Tiedoll pulled him up and into the
entryway.

"Lavi, get Lenalee to help you look for Yuu-kun. I'll be needing an
explanation," the Frenchman shouted before closing the front door. Lavi
stood in the living room for a few moments before going downstairs to save
Lenalee from her brother and to plead for aid in the great Yuu-chan search.

They searched the entire house, in every room, in every closest, under every
piece of furniture--even outside, but no sign was to be seen of the dark-haired
boy. They regrouped in the living room to try and think of anywhere they might
have missed.

"Did you look in the garage?" Lenalee asked her brother, who nodded
and sat down. He had been the one in charge of looking outside.

"How about Cross's room? We made sure to check there, right?" Lavi
questioned, a little nervous for his roommate's whereabouts. They had been
looking for a half hour already.

"Well, where's the only place we haven't looked?" Lenalee thought out
loud.

The trio contemplated in silence for a moment until Lenalee exclaimed, "Of
course! The attic! Lavi, you're tall enough, you go check!"

"You have an attic?" Lavi asked dumbly, a little perturbed that the
answer could be so simple. Years with Bookman had taught him that nothing
regarding humans was simple. Repetitive, yes, and catagorizable, but never
quite... simple, per se. Still, he needed to make sure Yuu was okay, needed
to see that his only true friend would survive whatever awful molestation
Daisya had inflicted upon him.

"Of course we have an attic, Lavi!" Lenalee said, rolling her
eyes. There was still a tightness around them, but she seemed intent on
relieving the tension that had built up among the worried group the longer
their search had gone. "Everyone has an attic!"

Lavi padded up the carpet-cushioned staircase, avoiding the tiny, dark pool of
Daisya-blood, and looked upward once he'd reached the top. A little to his
left, between the triangle made by the bathroom and Yuu and Lenalee's rooms,
was the passage he was looking for. The handle was cold brass, but it felt
soothing as Lavi pulled, revealing the one place they had yet to look.

Yuu was nestled in the corner amidst a den of musty, old-looking blankets and
pillows. It was a bit dusty all around, but it was also dark. Its disuse would
have appealed to Yuu, most likely. It looked like nothing had been stored here
for years. Dust had been cleared away, and a tiny window had been cracked open
to air it out. Obviously, even Yuu couldn't live in such filth. It would
probably remind him of bad things. But then, most things seemed to do that
anyway.

He made his way over to his roommate, careful not to disturb Yuu, who wasn't
moving. Upon closer inspection, his breathing was even and slow, and his eyes
moved rapidly beneath gold-dusted lids. The dark-haired boy was curled up in
his refuge of blankets, his knees hugged to his chest with his strong arms
securing them in place. He looked strained, even in sleep, like whatever he was
dreaming was not something Lavi would readily volunteer to see. He would,
though, if it was possible to take the dream from Yuu's mind and put it into
his own.

With an effort he was not quite sure he possessed, Lavi lifted his roommate
from his position on the floor and carried him to the ladder entrance. He came
to quite a troublesome conundrum when he reached it, puzzling over how to get
them both down without falling or dropping his heavy burden. At first he tried
to go down backwards, but that ended with him nearly falling to his death (it
was a good thing Komui came to his rescue), so, turning around, he tried again,
this time taking slow, steady steps until he reached the carpeted haven beneath
him.

He ferried Yuu to his room and settled him in his bed. It was a testament to
how heavily he was sleeping that he didn't wake up. Removing the loose ponytail
from his roommate's hair, Lavi slid in next to him, only pausing to kick off
his shoes and socks.

Within moments, he had joined his roommate in sleep.

---

It was early in the morning when he awoke--dazed, bleary, and unaware of his
surroundings. He blinked. Once, twice, and several more times until the sleep
was purged from his eyes. Wiping away the crust that had formed during the
night, Yuu sat up. He was in his bed. He hadn't recalled getting there, but
then, he couldn't recall much of the previous day. He remembered the last time
this had happened. He'd had an attack then, so it was possible the same had
happened this time. He'd have to apologize to whomever he'd hurt. He hated
apologizing. It was degrading and embarrassing, but he couldn't deny that it
needed to be done. Whatever he did when he wasn't aware of his actions always
merited some kind of apology. Like the stupid restaurant incident earlier that
year. Tiedoll had made him write an apology letter for that one.

Stupid Frogs.

Next to him, Lavi stirred. It was a nice change. Lavi had not been sleeping
next to him lately, so having the redhead in his bed at all was something that
made the corners of Yuu's lips tilt upward. Reaching down, he let his hands
comb through Lavi's surprisingly silken hair. Obviously, he'd gotten in to
Lenalee's hair products. Yuu wasn't horribly concerned--he was vain about his
hair (he could admit it), and he only used women's shampoo and conditioner on
it. If he was going to keep it long, he thought he should at least care for it
properly.

Lavi stirred just a little, clung to Yuu's leg when he reached out for
something solid. He started to mumble, and it took the dark-haired boy a little
time to understand him.

"Yuu... 's'gotta... y'needda... pl'se dun..."

And then it became clear--or as clear as dream-speech could be.

"It hur's me whenya cut. I's painful... stop."

The last word was such a plea that Yuu lay back down, contemplating all the
places he'd hidden knives. Come afternoon, he was going to hunt down all his
box-cutters and throw them away. His self-destructive actions had hurt Lavi, and
he'd never intended to do that. And the fact that Lavi had been the only one
not to consciously tell him to stop meant more to Yuu than anything else. He
hadn't realized that the redhead was actually suffering along with everyone
else. Sighing, he pulled Lavi into his shoulder and let his eyes flutter closed
again, murmuring an apology.

One thing he realized as he drifted back off was that the faces were actually
gone for once.

---

A/N: OK. Real quick. No, we don't think French people are stupid, nor do we
actually believe they are metrosexual. In fact, we have a high respect for the
French people, as they are awesome. Em2 studied French for 13 years--she should
know. Just know that this is Kanda trying to be a bastard to Tiedoll, even
though we all know he's such a li'l softie who just wuvs his guardian to death.
Also, sorry for the delay. We just finished up school a week ago, and we wrote
the majority of this chapter between Monday and Friday. Expect speedier updates
now that we're out. Em1 should be getting a job, and Em2 will be doing summer
classes (and hopefully getting a job), but that'll still leave us with
pleeeenty of time to spare! ^^ Also, Em2 got a message from LJ saying it's
close to glo_starz's birthday, so Happy B-day!!!! ^___^

Tiedoll's foreign-speak was: (French) shit. This is too hard. Do you speak
English? (Japanese) Do you speak English?
- 16
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