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Only in Your Eyes Am I Worthy	By : Lucythebeast Category: +M to R > Neon Genesis Evangelion Views: 28767 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author�s Note: It�s
been a ridiculously long time since the last update. Almost two years, I guess.
I never intended for the hiatus to be that long� lots of stuff happened. I did
a ridiculous amount of touring with both my band and another band I�m
associated with� spent almost all my free time while not on tour in the studio, either working with said other band or
doing mixing work. I also had a fairly serious relationship with another
musician and our relationship ended primarily because we never saw each other.
But I think she�s happy and I�m doing ok, so life goes on. Also in this time
period my ex-mother-in-law, who was far more of a mother to me than my own was, passed away while we were not on the best of terms.
Add to that being sexually assaulted by a guy that was giggling like an idiot
the entire time, being harassed and threatened by my (seriously insane)
ex-wife, and dealing with a multitude of other difficulties that continually
reared their ugly heads, I didn�t really feel like writing. But�
I think that perhaps now I can. I always intended to finish this story, and
even though it�s been forever and a day and likely none of the original readers
give much of a damn anymore, I still want to finish it. So I am. I have some
spare time right now, so I will take advantage of it. I might have several
chapters written before this one is posted� or I might just upload it when I�m
done and start working on the next one� I haven�t decided yet. Either way, hopefully
I�ll have a few chapters out throughout this week. Knock on wood, and all that
rot.

Required
Disclaimer: Still no own. Still no money. Too evil for a conscience. I think I might just have some
jelly donuts around here now, however� Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX!
And stuff.

Chapter 18: Garden of Fools

Shinji shivered at
the sight of Unit 00 being corrupted by the 16^th Angel, unable to
even imagine what pain Ayanami must be feeling from
the attack. He started rushing towards her, reaching out with his AT field to
try to draw the angel away from the first child�s Eva.

�Shinji-kun,
evasive action!� Major Katsuragi cried out in command as one end of the band of
light that made up the angel struck towards Unit 01.

The purple Eva barely
dodged and continued moving towards Unit 00. �Ayanami!� Shinji cried in desperation. Fear
tightened its hold on his chest as he heard the first child speaking softly in
her Eva, the comm. unit picking up the words.

�Is this me,
crying? Is this my soul� that wants to be one with Ikari?
I�m sorry�� Rei reversed her AT field and reached for
the self-destruct switch.

�Rei, eject immediately!� Misato ordered, after receiving
the report of the reversed AT field.

�No� I must remain
here to maintain the AT field.� The blue eyed girl responded, sorrow and
loneliness making her voice heavy. �Ikari� Shinji�
I�m sorry. Sayonara.�

�AYANAMI!!!� Shinji cried, before being blinded by the
explosion. His own AT field was all that kept him from being destroyed as well.
Intense sorrow and fear choked the boy as he caught sight of a shattered exit
plug flying through the air, a stream of blood and LCL fluid streaming from the
cracked capsule. �NO!!! AYANAMI!!!!!!!!� His voice
broke as he stared at the capsule, grief tearing into his soul and leaving him
hollow. He was ejected from his Eva and tore out of the exit plug the moment it
hit the ground and rushed to the shattered capsule, only to see the burnt and
bloodied body of Ayanami Rei.

Shinji started
screaming hysterically and only stopped when he realized he was being shaken
violently. �Don�t touch me!� The third child screamed, pulling away from the
person violating his grief with their touch.

�Shinji-kun! You were having a nightmare!� A barely
familiar male�s voice said in a mild voice, with a touch of urgency to it.

The blue-eyed boy
blinked rapidly and realized he was sitting in an unfamiliar room, soaked in
sweat and crying his eyes out. �What?� It was all the pilot could manage as his
mind tried to process the sudden change in his surroundings.

�Calm yourself,
Shinji-kun. Are you awake now?� Kaoru inquired with an edge of amusement
coloring his tone.

Shinji shook his
head for a moment then realized he had been dreaming. <It� was a nightmare. Rei did not die when
her Eva was destroyed� I saved her. The angel�s attack on me did not miss� I
was being corrupted by the angel as well� and Rei
sacrificed herself to save me� even though� I can�t think about that.>
�I� saved her. Ayanami is alive.� The dream had
seemed so real, he felt it necessary to state those words so that he would
believe them.

�Did you save her?� Kaoru inquired in an
ambiguous tone, quirking an eyebrow up slightly as a smile appeared on his
lips.

Shinji stared at
the other boy for several long moments, confused by the question. �Yes, I saved
her, Nagisa.� The third child replied finally,
uncertainty still plaguing him.

�Kaoru,
please. My friends use
my personal name, Shinji-kun.� The silver-haired boy admonished playfully.

�Gomen, Kaoru-kun.� The young Ikari blushed, pushing
the horrid image of the deceased Rei as far from his
conscious mind as he could.

�And did she, in
fact, save you as well?� The fifth
child asked as he stood up and placed his hands casually into his pockets.

The dark-haired
pilot blinked and stared at the other boy, unable to comprehend why he would
ask such a strange question. Silence fell upon them both for what seemed an
eternity, and then Shinji glanced at the clock. �Thank you for allowing me to
sleep here, Nag� eh� Kaoru-kun� I should return home.�

�Of
course. Fare well,
Shinji-kun.� The 17^th angel smiled and bowed, remaining silent as
the pilot left to return home. Soon after, the red-eyed boy left as well,
strolling leisurely to NERV headquarters. Soon he was gazing up at Unit 02, with
a touch of a frown on his face. �What is it about you that is�
different, Kyoko?� He murmured to himself, staring up into the four eyes of the
red mecha.

========================

Gendo frowned as he stared at the soulless bodies
of the first child floating in the Room of Gauf. <All the times I�ve seen these and the� real Rei while she was working on the Dummy Plug system� and I
never noticed her� deficiency before.> He mused, shaking his head
slightly. Perhaps it was because he never saw her as anything but a child, or
perhaps it was because he simply never looked. He had to admit to himself, the
latter was the more likely possibility. She was his daughter, in his mind, and
after the diaper changing phase of a child�s life is over, a father never looks
at his little girl there� especially when she�s reached adolescence. It just
wasn�t� right.

But that wasn�t the
primary cause of his concern and confusion. What really bothered him was the
fact that it did bother him. Rei, being Lilith, would be
joined with Adam, and Third Impact would occur. The barriers of the souls of
all humanity would be breached, and they would all join as one� Man would
become God. Therefore, it did not matter that Rei was
unable to bear children. Soon, Rei as well as every
other soul, would be joined as one. So why did it
matter?

The elder Ikari turned away from the Room of Gauf,
finding himself unable to look upon the soulless�
dolls, any longer. He made his way to his office and sat at his desk, steepling his fingers before his face, deep in thought. Was
he worried that Third Impact would not occur, or at least not in the way he had
planned it, or was it something else?

Gendo picked up a framed picture of his beloved Yui and stared at it. For the first time since the accident
occurred that ended her life, in which her soul was absorbed by Unit 01, he was
unsure if he could bring himself to do what was necessary. This was�
unacceptable. �For you, my dear Yui� I would move
heaven and earth. As the final hour draws near� why do I find myself faltering?
Give me the strength, my beloved, to do what is necessary. There is no future,
so I must stop considering it.� He let out a long heavy sigh and set the
picture back down on his desk with gentle care. For a moment his gaze turned
upwards, fixed upon the unseen heavens, and wondered when the 17^th
angel would appear, so that all of this could be finished and he could reunite
once more with his heart and soul.

========================

Maya cracked her
eyes open and groaned, the light above blinding her in its brilliance. �Where�
am I?� She inquired of the light above her. She felt no pain� no injury� yet
she knew she had fallen five stories. <I�m�
dead. I am at peace and yet� I regret.>

�You�re in the infirmary.�
A cold, yet familiar voice floated from the area beyond the light.

�In�
infirmary? I don�t�
understand.� The captain turned her head and realized there was something
visible beyond the bright light. Slowly, she raised her hand to shield her eyes
from the light, and the NERV infirmary came into view. �I�m� alive?�

�Hai.
Your attempt at suicide failed.� The voice beyond stated.

Maya sat up
sharply, much too fast and nearly blacked out. �What?!
No! It was an accident!� She looked around and finally her eyes came to rest on
Dr. Akagi. �Sempai?�

�Perhaps it was the
blue cells in your blood that caused the accident. I�m afraid I�m going to have
to declare an epidemic. Shinji�s blue cells could be explained by any number of
possible causes� but yours? They developed, seemingly out of nowhere. Luckily
for us, there�re not many people around here anymore, so quarantine won�t be
too problematic.�

The young Ibuki turned her gaze away from the doctor, a blush
creeping into her cheeks. A possible cause for the presence of blue cells in
her bloodstream came to her mind. She wasn�t sure whether it would be better to
let the doctor institute a quarantine, or to confess her sinful act. �I� think
I may know a possible cause, sempai.� She finally admitted in a whisper.

The blonde doctor
paused in her note scribbling and turned to look at her young prot�g�, quirking
up an eyebrow inquisitively. �Proceed.� She stated in a cautious but curious
tone.

Maya bit her lip
nervously, still unable to meet her mentor�s gaze. �I� was exposed to some of
Pilot Ikari�s DNA.�

�The
young Ikari as well!? Are you screwing the whole family?!� Ritsuko couldn�t help but make that outburst.

Captain Ibuki blinked in confusion and turned to look at the
doctor. �Nani? What do you
mean the whole family?�

Dr. Akagi growled, upset that the younger woman was still
trying to deceive her. �I know you�re Commander Ikari�s
new fucktoy.�

Maya�s mouth
dropped open in shock. She couldn�t believe the doctor would think she was even
capable of such a horrid action, especially considering what she knew about the
commander as well as knowing that the relationship between him and her mentor
had just ended recently. �How� what� why would you� I don�t�� She was
completely flustered.

Misinterpreting the
reason for the captain�s agitation, she let out a sharp �Harumph.�
And turned away from the younger woman. �And now the young Ikari as well.
I never realized you were� a slut.�

The captain was
shocked speechless for several moments then an outburst forced its way out. �I
DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE COMMANDER!� She sighed when the doctor turned a
skeptical eye her way. �Why would you think I could even be capable of pursuing
a relationship with him, especially after how he treated you? And so soon after it ended between the two of you!?�

Dr. Akagi frowned thoughtfully. �But your sudden promotion� and
he has taken a sudden interest in
you��

�Because
I�m spending time with his son.� Maya argued.

Another �harumph� issued from the blonde�s lips. �You mean you�re
having sex with his son. His under-aged son.�

Maya couldn�t argue
that point� not really. �I� it wasn�t like that.�

Ritsuko quirked up an eyebrow and sat down on one
of the medical beds near the young captain. �Do I want to know how it was, then?�

The blush crept
back into her cheeks, and she couldn�t meet the doctor�s gaze.

�I see. I thought
it was strange that you entered the men�s shower room while the young Ikari was bathing. And that his penis just happened to find its way into your
mouth.� The blonde observed in a wise tone.

�No! That wasn�t��
Maya paused. It occurred to her that she could just say he ejaculated when he
inserted his penis into her mouth then� it wouldn�t be unbelievable that an
inexperienced 15 year old got over-excited with his first sexual encounter.
What�s more� she was having difficulty remembering if that was how it happened
or not. The blue cells in her blood, she reasoned, must be causing some
difficulty in memory and/or perception. She shook her head and remained silent
for several moments, then felt a change of subject was prudent. �You said I
have blue cells in my blood� does that mean I�m developing an S2 organ, like
Shinji-kun?�

The doctor sipped
some coffee as she looked back over the captain�s test results. �I don�t
believe so. I will have to take a cell scraping of your appendix to be sure,
however. But it was not distended as Pilot Ikari�s
had been. My hypothesis is that it�s a temporary reaction to the� fluid you
came into contact with.�

Maya frowned
thoughtfully. �So it survived even stomach acid.�

Overhearing the
captain�s comment to herself, she opened a nearby cabinet and took out a
package and tossed it onto the bed next to the younger woman. �Though I don�t
recommend you continue your relationship with that boy, if you must, at least protect yourself.�

Maya looked down
and blushed a bright red when she saw what the doctor
gave her. �Condoms!? I won�t� I don�t need� I
wouldn�t��

�Take them.� Ritsuko ordered sternly. �I don�t care what you do in your
private time, but I don�t want it interfering with your work here.�

The young Ibuki still felt her cheeks burning as she stuffed the box
into her carry bag. �Sempai��

�Unless an angel
attacks, take the next few days off. You�re of no use to us in an altered state.
The blue cells should be all gone within a day. Theoretically.�
Dr. Akagi ordered.

��. Hai, sempai.�
Picking up her things the captain left without another word, still embarrassed
as could be.

Ritsuko shook her head after the younger woman left
and sighed. �Those damn Ikaris��

========================

Asuka stirred slowly, rising up out of a troubled
sleep. <My life was so much easier� when I could not cry.> Her blue eyes cracked open and she stared silently at the
first child, slumbering next to her. <I wonder� if Rei
has ever cried? Is she as lonely as I am?>

A few moments
later, the red orbs of the first child opened and she regarded the second child
curiously. �Are you injured, Soryu?�

The German girl stared
at the other girl, confusion playing across her features. �Am I bleeding?�

Rei sat up slowly and casually wiped her eyes
clean of sleep. �You are not bleeding.� She replied enigmatically.

Asuka felt a drop of water hit her hand and
realized she had been crying without realizing it. �Schei�e!� She turned away from the other girl
abruptly and wiped the tears away with indignantly stiff arm movements. �Dust
in my eyes.� She stated the excuse lamely. Without risking a look back at the
other girl she changed the subject. �Wanna see what
we can scrounge up for breakfast? I think we have some eggs and sausage in the
refrigerator.�

�I do not eat meat,
Soryu.� The blue-haired girl reminded the second
child in her trademark toneless gentle voice.

�Eggs aren�t meat.�
Asuka argued, standing up and straightening her night
shirt. She started walking towards the kitchen, intent on finding something
edible. �And call me Asuka! Have
you forgotten already!?�

Rei joined her several moments later, paying no
attention to the wrinkles in her clothing. �Eggs are laid by fowls, Sor� Asuka-chan. They are, in
fact, unfertilized embryos. One could consider eggs, therefore, the menses of
fowls.�

The red-haired girl
had been moments away from cracking open several eggs, but froze. She stared at
the eggs for well over a minute� and then calmly replaced them in the egg
carton and returned them to the refrigerator. �I don�t think I will ever be
able to eat eggs again� thanks a lot, Rei-chan.� The
German girl bit out.

�You are welcome, Asuka-chan.� Rei replied
seriously. �Have you no miso? Or pickles?�

The blue-eyed girl
scratched her head and started opening up cabinets. �That white stuff that
Shinji�s always eating in the morning? I�m not sure where he keeps it� or how
to prepare it. Doesn�t it taste awful? It looks like it tastes awful.�

Rei was silent, feeling it best not to point
out that she considered the things that the other girl routinely ate to be
disgusting.

The door opened a
few moments later and Shinji rushed in, blinking in surprise to see two healthy
and calm girls standing in the kitchen. �Ah you�re� up.� <And neither of you are dead.>

�Where�s the food, baka? Wonder Girl here doesn�t want to eat chicken
menstruation.� Asuka demanded, peering out from
behind an opened cabinet.

Shinji�s mouth
dropped open in shock and horror.

Asuka glanced at the clock and sighed. �Forget
it. You feed Rei-chan whatever she wants. I have to
go to�� She paused, not wanting to say therapy, as if it would admit weakness
in front of the other pilots. �I have an appointment.� She finally stated,
grabbing some frozen pastry out of the freezer and popping it into the toaster.
A confused look came over her countenance for a moment and she opened up the
refrigerator and peered in. �Has anyone seen Pen-Pen lately?�

Shinji blinked in
surprise and came behind the refrigerator to peer into it as well, as if he
could spot the penguin where his fellow pilot could not. �I don�t know, I haven�t been around that much lately��

Asuka�s glanced back at the boy for a moment and
stared for several long moments then suddenly cried, �BAKA HENTAI!� She smacked
the boy upside the head, grabbed the now warmed pastry from the toaster, and
ran into her room to get dressed.

Shinji blinked in
surprise, unsure if the girl seemingly returning to normal was a good thing or
not. �What did I do?� He inquired, expecting no reply from the quiet
blue-haired girl waiting patiently for some manner of food.

�Perhaps when a
girl is bending over while wearing only a shirt is not the best time to walk up
behind her and press yourself against her,
Shinji-kun.� Rei remarked softly.

The third child
scratched his head in confusion. �I did what?�

�At least buy me
dinner before molesting me, baka!� Asuka cried playfully as she hurried out, stuffing the
pastry into her mouth as she opened the door and left without another word,
only risking a quick glance at Rei, who was regarding
the girl curiously.

Shinji bit his lip
nervously and opened up one of the cabinets near the ground and pulled out some
miso and a pot and placed it on the stove to heat. �I
think there might be some tofu in the back of the refrigerator.� The third
child remarked, making his way to the appliance.

Rei nodded and sat down on the floor next to
the table to patiently wait for breakfast. The young Ikari
glanced at the first child several times as he prepared the meal, though he
knew her well enough to know she would most likely remain silent. It wasn�t
until he was finished cooking did she speak. �Thank you for preparing breakfast,
Shinji-kun.�

�Ah�
no problem.� Shinji
laughed nervously and sipped some of the soup. �I think Misato-san finished off
the pickles.�

The red-eyed girl
nodded but did not comment.

The third child bit
his lip nervously then inquired, �So how did you and Asuka-chan
get along?�

Rei contemplated that for well over a minute
before answering, �As I expected.�

The smile dropped
from the blue-eyed boy�s lips and he looked crestfallen. �Oh.�

�It was� pleasant.�
Rei elaborated, cryptically.

Confusion passed over
Shinji�s features. �You� expected it to be pleasant?�

�She did not slap
me this time.� Rei offered as an explanation.

Shinji blinked in
surprise. �This time? She�s slapped you?�

�Not this time,
no.� The first child responded enigmatically.

The third child
frowned in thought. �Oh� you mean not since the sync test all those months ago,
when we fought the 7^th angel?�

Rei regarded the boy across from her
thoughtfully for a few moments then stated, �Last time she slapped me. This
time, she did not.�

The young Ikari shook his head. �I don�t understand.�

Confusion touched Rei�s eyes for a few moments, and then she calmly finished
her soup. �Neither do I.�

Shinji waited for
several minutes for the blue-haired girl to elaborate, but she never did. �Rei-chan�� He paused for a moment, realizing he had been
using chan the whole morning, even with Asuka, and neither seemed to mind. He considered correcting
himself, but decided against it. If they did not mind, why should he? �Do you
remember the promise you made me last year?�

Ayanami turned her red eyes onto the other pilot
and stared at him, as if into his very soul, for over a minute. She searched
her memories for a promise, and then spoke. �Hai. I promised to protect you.�

The boy looked
thoughtful for a few moments then inquired, �Are you protecting me now?�

Rei tilted her head slightly to the side,
regarding her fellow pilot silently. Finally she responded. �Always.�

Ikari wasn�t sure why he asked her that, or how
it even occurred to him� but the question that Kaoru asked him that morning was
bugging him. �I� did save you, didn�t I?�

If she was
surprised by his question, the first child did not betray it. After some
consideration, she responded honestly. �Yes, you saved me this time.�

Shinji felt
melancholy settle over his heart, though he wasn�t sure why. Everything lately
seemed to be so confusing. �This time?� It was the
second time the girl had responded in that manner this morning.

�Hai.� Ayanami replied.

�I don�t
understand.� The dark-haired boy stated honestly.

Rei shook her head once. �Neither do I.�

<My head hurts.> Ikari
grumbled internally. A change of subject was in order. �How is your hand this
morning?�

The first child
looked down at her hand curiously and flexed it a few times. �It has healed.�

They fell into a
comfortable silence for a while, and then Shinji looked up at the red-eyed
girl. �Rei-chan� why am I
developing an S2 organ? Do� you know?�

The first child
considered that for a while then answered, �I am not certain. However, there is
someone that would know.�

Ikari�s eyes snapped up to meet Ayanami�s.
A feeling of dread crept up from the pit of his stomach. �You mean� my father?�

Rei paused thoughtfully, and then responded. �Hai.�

Shinji was about to
ask her about Kaoru when Misato walked in. �I�m home!� The purple-haired beauty
called.

�Welcome home.�
Shinji called out politely.

Major Katsuragi walked in and opened the refrigerator and frowned
at seeing no beer. <Damn that�s right�
the store didn�t have any.> She looked over her shoulder and found Rei regarding her curiously. �Oh� good
morning, Ayanami-chan.�

�Good morning, Katsuragi-shousa.� The first child responded politely.

�I�m off duty. Call
me Misato.� The major told her, sitting down next to Shinji. �Any miso left?�

Shinji stood up and
poured some into a bowl for his guardian before sitting back down. �Hai, Misato-san. Here you go.�

Misato sipped the
soup and raised an eyebrow at the blue-haired girl, curious why she was still
regarding her with such an inquisitive expression on her face. �Rei-chan? Something
on my face?�

�Nothing
out of the ordinary, Misato-shousa.� The red-eyed girl responded evenly.

Shinji blinked and
looked between the two women, wondering as well what was going on.

Misato blinked.

Shinji blinked
again.

Misato sipped her
soup.

Shinji blinked.

�Did I interrupt
something?� Misato inquired finally.

�No,
of course not!� Shinji
cried the moment he saw Rei open her mouth, knowing
her well enough to know she was going to say yes. �You seem to be in a good
mood this morning, Misato-san.�

The major blinked
and looked at the third child for a moment then shrugged. �I went over to Ritsu-chan�s last night, to give the girls some privacy. We
had a good time.� <A
real good time.>

Rei continued to stare at Misato.

Misato blinked.

Shinji blinked.

Misato sipped her
soup.

Rei stared.

�Misato-san�
where�s Pen-Pen? Asuka mentioned she hadn�t seen him
in a while.� Shinji inquired, hoping to break the strange tension in the room.

The major blushed,
realizing she had forgotten to mention the reason for the penguin�s absence to
the children. �I felt it was no longer safe for him around here, because of
what happened during the last angel�s attack. I sent him to stay with the Horakis.�

�Oh,
with Asuka�s friend? I didn�t realize�� Shinji looked down at
his hands that were resting on his lap, feeling sad he hadn�t seen the penguin
off.

�We�ve all had a
lot to deal with lately.� Misato stated, looking worried for a few moments
before her normal cheery smile returned. �Well I�ll let you two lovebirds get
back to what you were doing before I so rudely interrupted.� She got up and
gave the young Ikari a �thumbs up� gesture. �Have
fun.�

Shinji blushed and
continued staring at his hands. �I swear she thinks I�m sleeping with every
girl I know.�

Rei regarded the boy silently, and did not
comment.

Shinji looked up at
the blue-haired beauty for a few moments and tried to think of something to
say, but nothing came to him, his earlier question about the 5^th
child forgotten.

Rei, also, remained silent.

========================

Dr. Kagame regarded Asuka silently
for several long moments, noting the turmoil in the girl�s features. �How have
you been feeling since our last meeting, Asuka?�

The red-haired girl
chewed on her lip thoughtfully and leaned back in her chair. �Up
and down.� She finally responded.

The therapist
waited a few moments for the girl to elaborate, but when she did not, he asked
another question. �How have your interactions with the young Ikari been?�

The second child
twirled a bit of hair around her finger, tilting her head a little to the side
as she considered that. �We� I suppose things have gone well, Herr Doktor. I cried on his shoulder� and he actually comforted
me instead of taking the opportunity to feel me up. We talked about things� I
think we�re in a good place.�

�Good as in
romantic?� Dr. Kagame inquired.

�Nein. Good as in� friendly. I have placed my
trust in him. I do not think he will� prove unworthy of it.� The German girl
admitted, turning her gaze towards the window.

The therapist
noticed her turmoil, and reasoned that since she spoke of Shinji so easily, he
was not the cause of it. �You seem� distracted. Is there anything you�d care to
share?�

�I think I might be
gay.� Asuka blurted.

Dr. Kagame blinked. �Pardon me?�

�I think I might be
gay.� The red-haired girl repeated a little more slowly.

The man was quiet
for several moments as he looked back over his notes. �The last time that
subject came up, you seemed� adamantly opposed to the notion.�

�That is true.� The
blue-eyed girl admitted.

�But now you think
you are homosexual?� He inquired, quirking an eyebrow
up slightly.

Asuka took a deep breath to calm the fires of her
outrage down. Normally she would blow up at someone by now� but she did not
want to do that. �I kissed another girl.� She offered as an explanation.

�So you kissed
another girl� and this makes you gay?� Dr. Kagame
inquired.

�Several
times.� The pilot added.

The therapist noted
that down and ordered his thoughts. �So you kissed another girl several times�
and so you are gay.�

�I liked kissing
her. A lot. When I kissed Shinji, all I could really
think was that his breath was tickling me. When I kissed Rei��
The German girl was interrupted.

�Rei?
Ayanami Rei? You kissed Ayanami
Rei?� Dr. Kagame stated in
disbelief.

Annoyance flashed
through the girl�s blue eyes, both because of the man�s skeptical attitude, and
because he rudely interrupted her. �Yes. When I kissed Rei��

�I�m sorry for
interrupting you� again� but we�re talking about the same Ayanami
Rei that you have repeatedly referred to as Wonder
Girl, a doll, expressed extreme hatred and vehemence for� the one you feel
stole Shinji from you?� The doctor looked over his glasses at the girl, still
trying to piece this revelation together.

�Yes.� Asuka nodded, not refuting what the man said because it had
been true.

Dr. Kagame blinked and stared at his young patient for several
long moments, then finally spoke, �I apologize again for my disruption. Please
continue. When you kissed Ayanami��

�Ja� when I kissed Rei, I felt� happy. I didn�t even notice her breath
tickling me. I�m sure she must have been breathing� we kissed for a long time.
But I didn�t notice it. It was like I was lost in her soft lips.� The pilot
explained, gazing up at the ceiling as if looking there aided her memory.

The therapist
frowned in thought, noting that down. �How do you feel about that?�

Asuka contemplated that, and then simply replied,
�Sad.�

The doctor raised
an eyebrow up, genuinely surprised by that response. �Why does that make you
feel sad?�

�Rei and Shinji are practically in love.� The pilot
explained. �Rei did not let me kiss her because she
wanted to kiss me, she did it because she was curious
about kissing. She wants Shinji to kiss her. She only tolerates my kisses. She
doesn�t know enough about relationships to know that she shouldn�t be kissing
me.�

�Do you feel guilty
then, for taking advantage of her naivet�?� Dr. Kagame
asked.

The red-haired girl
thought about that for a few moments, then answered honestly. �No.�

�Because
it�s your revenge on her, or perhaps Shinji, for having a relationship with
each other, and excluding you?� The man queried.

�It�s not like
that.� Asuka denied the accusation.

�Explain it to me
then.� The doctor requested.

The pilot sighed and
turned her chair so she could rest her feet up on the nearby couch, using the
pause to order her thoughts. �I don�t plan on causing any conflicts between
Shinji and Rei. I wouldn�t kiss Rei
if I felt she didn�t want it. Maybe she doesn�t want it in the same way I do�
but I think she�s as lonely as I am. What does it hurt for us to give each
other a little affection, then?�

�To return to an
earlier question then, you feel this makes you gay?� Dr. Kagame
asked.

Asuka turned her head to regard the therapist
curiously, confused as to why he was still skeptical. �Why shouldn�t it?� She
countered.

The doctor sighed
and took a few moments to determine the best way to phrase the explanation.
�Are you attracted to any other women?�

The blue-eyed pilot
thought about that for a few moments then shrugged. �I don�t know. I haven�t
really thought about it.�

�But you have
expressed attraction to Shinji. And Kaji.
Both men.� Dr. Kagame
observed.

The red haired girl
leaned her head back to let her hair spill downwards towards the floor and
tilted her seat back a little again, using the coach to balance herself. �That
is true.�

�Do you want to
have sex with Ayanami?� The therapist inquired.

Asuka was silent for several moments, considering
that. �I don�t know. Maybe. It�s too early to
determine that.�

�Is it, perhaps,
the affection you crave, and the fact that she�s female has little to do with
it?� Dr. Kagame asked.

�Of course I want
affection. But I think she�s attractive too. No, not just attractive� she�s
beautiful. I mean� really. Have you seen her? Mein Gott�� The pilot smiled, thinking about the other girl�s
features.

The doctor made
some notes then continued, �Perhaps you are bisexual. Or even gay. But I find
this sudden change questionable. Is it possible that you seek affection from Rei because of her connection to Shinji? He cares for her�
so if she cared for you, it could be said that by extension, you had a
connection to Shinji as well?�

Asuka turned her head to give the doctor a
quizzical look. �That makes no sense, Herr Doktor.�

Dr. Kagame nodded. �Perhaps. But let
me ask you the important question, then. Is it possible that the primary reason
you feel attracted to Ayanami that you feel there is
no future between you, because of her relationship with Ikari?
That it is safe to seek her out because you feel you will never get her?�

The pilot frowned,
confused by that logic. �Why would I seek someone out only because I didn�t
think I could catch them? Isn�t that just� futile?�

�As long as you
pursue a relationship, you don�t have to deal with the realities of it. You
don�t have to deal with the faults of the object of your affection. You don�t
have to worry about whether they will break your heart. You don�t have to open
up to them. You�re free to lust and long, without the consequences of trust and
the fear of loss.� Dr. Kagame explained.

Asuka laughed. She actually laughed. �You don�t
know me at all, Herr Doktor. Nothing is impossible
for me, as long as I will it to be so. If I seek something, I do so because I
feel it is attainable. If there is no hope, then what do I have? Maybe I will
never have a romance with Rei. But I think it�s
possible. Maybe I will never have a romance with Shinji. But I think it�s
possible. Why wouldn�t someone want
to be with me? Look at me!�

The doctor was
taken back by her confidence. Thus far, he had only seen her at her worst,
having no confidence, a shattered mind. He had never seen her when she was
�normal�. It baffled him. �Well� perhaps that is so. Um� perhaps a change of
subject is in order. I wanted to talk more about your mother��

�Time is up, Herr Doktor. Until next time, auf Wiedersehen!� Asuka stood
up abruptly, gave the doctor a friendly wave, and left without waiting for a
reply.

Dr. Kagame stared at the now closed door in shock, and began to
wonder if the girl was suffering from multiple personalities.

========================

And here you go
folks� finally, a new chapter for your greedy eyes. Yay!
There�s a bit of foreshadowing in this chapter� you may have noticed. In the
next chapter, unless I suddenly change my mind, you can look forward to Shinji
talking to his dear old father, Maya deciding to get Rei
to spend another day with her, and um� Kaoru will probably do something
interesting. Ooo, he suggested he get to have a chat
with Asuka. Why not? Until next time (which will
hopefully be within a day or two), auf Wiedersehen!
- 17
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- 19
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Only in Your Eyes Am I Worthy