The Key to My Heart

Title: The Key to My Heart: Chapter 18
Author: JadeHeart
Archived: Found on gurabiteshiyon.net. If anyone else would like it, please ask me first!
Fandom: Gravitation
Rating: R
Warnings: angst
Timeline: After the anime/manga finishes.
Characters: Shuichi
Feedback: Feedback is always welcome! If I don’t get feedback, I don’t want to continue!
Summary: Just how far would Yuki go in search of Shuichi?

Author’s Notes : Sorry, Reyn and others, but there has to be delays sometimes in the story – a little thing such as work sometimes infringes! I also can’t write until I have a flash of inspiration and sometimes they come slowly. It’s a bit like a famine or a feast! Unfortunately, when they decide to come quickly I feel like I’m being bludgeoned by the thoughts and it just about drives me mad until I can get them written! That’s why sometimes there will be a couple of chapters in quick succession – I’ll just get one chapter finished and posted and try and walk away, when another thought hits me! And it just wont leave me alone until I sit down and write it too! I’m losing far too much sleep because of this!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’ , nor am I making any profits from this.

The Key to My Heart: Chapter 18


Shuichi closed the door softly behind him as he entered the apartment. On bare feet he padded silently down the hall to the bedroom. Peering in, he could see Annette was sleeping quietly in the bed they shared. He could just make out the shape of her body under the covers. He walked over closer to the bed, looking down. He was thinking about what he had just learnt from that man, Eiri Yuki.

Yuki, he thought. The man was damn attractive, no two ways about that. He didn’t exactly look Japanese though, and he obviously smoked way too much. However, something about him seemed…

Shuichi shook his head. No, it just wasn’t coming to him. As they had talked, the sound of his voice had sometimes seemed almost…..familiar, but Shuichi could never quite place it.

He continued to look down at Annette, as she lay there breathing deeply, her long dark hair fanned out on the pillow around her. A flash of an image came to him. Not dark hair, but blonde and shorter, on a pillow close to his face, the scent subtle, not perfumed.

Just as suddenly, it was gone. It didn’t particularly bother him. He had become used to these sudden pictures springing into his mind when he least expected it, flashes that seemed to mean something to him. They always felt like they should be important, but he just couldn’t place them, couldn’t remember.

It wasn’t just the images on their own either. Sometimes, the intensity of the emotions that would accompany them, could be almost overwhelming. He had become adept at being able to maintain control when they assaulted his senses and mind. They had become just another part of his life, just an idiosyncrasy of himself.

At one time, it had troubled him deeply. Not immediately after he had gained consciousness. His immediate concerns then had been to get better, to just get out of hospital. Communication had been the biggest problem back then. That took up all his conscious thoughts, trying to speak to the hospital staff, to try and understand what had happened and where he was.

He had gone through a period of confusion, of intense mind numbing fear, and uncertainty. It had made him worry so much he had thrown himself into a deep depression, being immobilized in his hospital bed, unable to properly communicate with anyone. He had truly wished that he had died then. Living had just seemed too hard, and painful. He lost count of the number of days and nights he had cried himself to sleep.

But that time had passed. The sun still rose every morning, he still got breakfast every morning, and the hospital staff still came in and every day tried to speak more with him. He was extremely grateful to the hospital and everyone there, especially Dr Karancski. Without their constant support and encouragement, he would have stayed in that depression. He had wanted nothing more than to keep digging a deep dark hole to crawl into, but they wouldn’t let him. They just kept throwing him a ladder for him to climb back out. They actually had him try and teach them some simple Japanese, which was fun! So bit by bit, he had come back and began to look forward, to see that there was a future for him.

At that time, he had thought he had somewhere to go when he left the hospital. There was an address that he could remember, so that is where he went. Arriving in New York had been exciting, yet daunting. He had caught a cab directly to the address, anywhere else was just too scary to contemplate at that point. It had been quite a shock to arrive there, to find it was nothing more than a derelict apartment building.

That was when he had felt so completely lost that the depression threatened to return. Where was he supposed to go? He couldn’t remember anything else, not one thing! He had stood there in the street, completely in shock for a time, frozen with uncertainty.

Then self preservation had kicked in. Shelter and food were top most on the list. He had to go somewhere! Standing around in a street was not the place to be, no matter where you were. So he had to make some sort of decision.

He had to admit that he was probably the luckiest person in the world at that time, for whilst he had been standing in the street wondering where to go and how to get there, he had been questioned by a man passing by. The man had looked a little frightening, quite tough, muscles bulging, but Shuichi was past the point of caring who he spoke to by this time. The man had known a little Japanese, as well as English. Between the two languages, he had established that Shuichi was looking for a place to stay. Realising that being somewhere that he could communicate a little more readily with people was pretty important, the man had directed Shuichi to Chinatown, even hailing a cab for him and providing him with a name of a cousin there.

That had been Shuichi’s first big break. He had found his first job and been provided with a place to stay temporarily, until he could find something of his own. Shuichi had found that all his time was then taken up in establishing himself in this place, creating a niche for himself. He was working most nights and days, trying to learn the language better, trying to understand the cultures, trying to be someone. He almost didn’t have time to even think about anything else. By the end of each day, he would drag himself into bed and be asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow.

Sometimes he would wonder about himself. Who he was, why couldn’t he remember, where did he come from, but the people around him didn’t seem bothered by this lack. They never made him feel that he should know these things. He had made friends during this time, people he could spend time with, who seemed to like him just for himself, the way he was.

He did think about trying to find out more about himself, but he found that he was happy doing what he was doing. The hospital had told him that his memories would probably come back to him with time, and there was no point trying to rush things. There was really nothing he could do to force them to surface.

So his attitude was very much, it will happen when it will happen. Survival really did take precedence over past memories, when it really came down to it. You can’t live on memories alone!

Time had then just flowed by, days became weeks, weeks became months. There had just been so much going on all the time, especially once he had started with the band! After work had been spent practicing, sometimes till late at night, weekends were usually small gigs in the local neighbourhood. It had been a great time! He had loved every minute of it! He would feel exhausted by it all, but it was a good feeling!

So even though he did still think about his lack of a past, and at the beginning had often agonized about it, he had eventually let it go, and concentrated on the present. If he had remembered anything, if something had come back to him, then he could pursue it at that time, surely. There wasn’t much point in trying to do something till then.

He remembered a psychologist once said to him that perhaps he was subconsciously afraid of confronting his past. Maybe he was even deliberately suppressing his memories because of something there. He hadn’t liked to hear that, and had worried about it for weeks, until his friends had reassured him that even if that was the case, it didn’t change who he was.

Now his past had finally caught up with him. In the form of Eiri Yuki.

Shuichi Shindou, he thought to himself. He repeated the name in his head a few more times. It still sounded like the name of a stranger, like someone else. He had been ‘Shu Chan’ for so long now that he couldn’t think of himself in any other way. Everyone he knew now, knew him as that. Everyone except people like Eiri Yuki. People who were supposed to have known him from…before.


So his name was Shuichi Shindou, was it? At least that’s what Yuki had told him. He wasn’t sure how much to believe of what Yuki had said. It had all seemed rather fantastical. He was a pop star and actually a rather successful one? He belonged to a band and was really well known in Japan? It didn’t seem possible to him. It certainly didn’t seem real.

When Yuki had mentioned his family and his sister’s name, he had seen a quick flash of a picture of a young girl, but whether that image really was a memory of what his sister looked like, he didn’t know. What was a memory, and what was a fantasy? It just all seemed like a dream to him at the moment.

Yuki had seemed to know a lot about him. He seemed to be able to tell him all sorts of things about himself, what he did. He supposed Yuki must have been one of his friends back in Japan then, since he knew all that stuff.

Japan…even that didn’t ring any bells for him. It just seemed like another foreign country. Yet it was supposed to be where he was born. It was his home, his real home. How would he feel if he went there? Did he want to go there?

He chewed his lip. He really wasn’t certain about this. He’d said he’d talk to Yuki tomorrow. Well, actually, later today. It was already 5am, the darkness of the night fading as dawn approached. He’d sleep most of the morning away, probably into mid afternoon. His life for the most part was more nocturnal now. He had a lot of things to think about before then.

“Shu….” Annette murmured sleepily.

Shuichi gazed down at her. “It’s okay.” he reassured her quietly. “I’m going to sit up for a bit. Go back to sleep.”

“Hmm.” she mumbled, slipping back into slumber as he leant down and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek.

He went out and closed the door softly, before walking back to the sitting room. Their apartment was small; one bedroom, a tiny bathroom, kitchen and lounge all as one compact room. It was all that they both had been able to afford, but they had loved finding it. It had been really enjoyable moving in, setting up the place, finding furniture. Yes, he and Annette had had a lot of fun here.

It had been a big step for them both. Yes, it had been sudden, but what had begun as simply a convenient arrangement to share accommodation and a chance meeting with someone he could converse easily with, quickly became something more. Annette was easy to talk to, and she didn’t seem to mind that he had no past to speak of. They had the same sense of humour, although she was more serious than him at times, but that was okay, she grounded him. They had settled into a nice comfortable pattern so easily. He had liked that.

He made himself a coffee and sat down on the old threadbare couch. Something jabbed his ribs from inside the pocket of his jacket. Reaching in, he pulled out the ipod Yuki had given him.

He could see the words ‘Bad Luck’ taped to it. He didn’t think Yuki would go to those sort of lengths to deceive him about his past, by placing a band’s name on an ipod. That seemed a little excessive. Although….Yuki seemed like a pretty intense kind of guy.

He shivered a little, not from cold, but something…else. A picture of Yuki appeared again in his mind. Golden hair, golden eyes, that piercing look. There had been something in Yuki’s eyes, a look that Shuichi couldn’t quite place, couldn’t quite give a name for, but it was a look that made something inside him respond. How and why, he didn’t know. He felt like he knew this man. Yet he didn’t.

He looked at the ipod in his hand. Should he? Would he feel anything? Would he feel worse if he did? Would he expect too much?

Slowly, he lifted it to his ear and turned it on. The strains of music drifted through his auditory channels, the beat strummed through his nerves right to his finger tips. He didn’t know the song, didn’t know what it was called, he was certain of that. He leant his head back, closing his eyes, and began to hum along with it.

************

Shuichi blinked his eyes a couple of times, trying to bring them back into focus.

Where….? he thought muzzily.

He scrubbed at his eyes, feeling the grittiness built up there from his sleep. Yawning widely, he swung his legs around and sat up.

He had been lying on the couch. That’s right, he must have fallen asleep there last night. Well, early this morning. A blanket had been tucked around him, and the ipod he remembered listening to, lay safely on the coffee table before him. Annette must have settled him when she got up to go to Uni. Shuichi smiled at that thought, then yawned again. Wonder what time it was?

He got up and stretched, feeling the vertebrae in his back creak and pop at the extension. He really should have made certain to grab a pillow if he was going to sleep on the couch, he thought. Scratching his chin, he made his way to the kitchen. He really needed a coffee! He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was reading 2.30pm.

He yawned again, leaning on the counter as he waited for the water to boil, still feeling sleepy. He knew he would wake up properly shortly. He took his steaming coffee back to the couch, wrapping both hands around the cup and sipping gratefully. Ah! Who ever invented coffee should have been made a saint!

He looked down at the ipod. He didn’t remember if he had listened to it entirely. He did remember he at least turned it on, but where he had fallen asleep through it, he didn’t remember.

His hand reached out to it, then stopped. No, he thought. Leave it for now. Firmly, he withdrew his hand.

He took his empty cup back to the kitchen, washing it quickly in the sink. Annette would be home in a few hours so he had some chores to do before then. They had agreed that chores, such as shopping and housework, would be evenly split between them. They were both busy people so it wasn’t fair that only one of them was expected to do everything around the apartment as well. So it was by mutual agreement, that whoever was home on their own, they would start doing what ever was needed to be done.

Shuichi turned to the fridge and opened it, peering at the contents. Good, he didn’t need to actually go and do any shopping today. He pulled out some chicken and vegetables, before rummaging in the pantry for some spices. Yep, got everything I need, he thought with a smile. He was going to make Annette her favourite dish. He made a mean chicken curry!

He quickly got to work, so it would have time to simmer properly. It didn’t take long, and he quickly cleaned up after himself. Living in a small space like this, meant that you had to clean up immediately after yourself, or it quickly became untenable. It wasn’t that difficult to get into the habit. He wiped his hands and looked around the kitchen. All done. Time for a shower.

He completed his morning ablutions, feeling far more awake after showering and shaving. He rubbed his wet hair with a towel as he wandered back into the sitting room, walking over to pull the curtains back from the window. It was a lovely afternoon outside. He opened the window and leant on the sill, breathing in the fresh air deeply. This was good! he thought, relaxing.

So, he conversed with his inner self. What do I do now?

I don’t know, it said back to him. That’s your decision.

I found out a lot of stuff last night. I don’t know whether to believe it or not.

There’s one way to find out, it told him.

I know. I can meet all these people, my family. But would that really make me remember?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Do you want to remember?

Of course I do!

Really?

Shuichi paused in his internal conversation, I….think I do.

Maybe you’re scared. Scared about what you might find out.

Yuki didn’t say that there was anything bad about me from my past.

He might not know. He probably doesn’t know everything about you.

Well, yeah, I suppose that’s true. He did say he just knew me because of the band.

So there might be something about you that you might not like to find out.

Okay, say there is. It’s not like everyone hasn’t got some secrets in their life. Most people have some sort of skeletons in their closet.

You just have to hope that your skeletons are well and truly dead, and not likely to come out rattling their bones!

Yuk! What an image! Couldn’t you come up with something a little more pleasant?!

Truth hurts.

So, he mused, if I do tell Yuki he can let them know he’s found me, what do you think will happen?

They’ll probably come here. Or expect you to go to Japan.

I’m not ready to go there yet. I like it here.

You’re scared of leaving your comfort zone.

And what if I am?!

Being scared isn’t going to make any of it go away. It’s still all going to be there, and eventually you’re going to have to deal with it. One way or another.

I know, I know!

You don’t have to go to Japan.

Then that means that they’ll come here.

No doubt.

Who do you think would come?

No idea. You’d have to wait until Yuki tells them and find out from him.

I don’t know if I want to talk to him again. I don’t know if I want him to tell them.

Even if you don’t talk to him again, he will end up telling them. They’ve been looking for you for nearly six months, you can’t expect him not to say something. He was being very understanding in giving you some time to think about things before calling your family.

Yeah, I guess so. So do I talk to him?

That’s up to you.

But what should I do?!

How am I supposed to know?!

Well, you’re me!

So then you decide!

You’re no bloody help!!

His inner voice shut up in a huff.

Great, now he’s not even talking to himself!

With a sigh he turned away from the window. His mind was spinning. What should he do? Even if he didn’t tell Yuki to call his family, he knew that Yuki would have to. He couldn’t expect the man not to follow through with that. So either way, he was going to have people from his past turn up here, sooner or later. He could leave here, sure. He could run, but that meant leaving Annette, leaving Quebec City, leaving the only home he could call his own at the moment.

He didn’t want to run. He had finally felt like he had made a place for himself, a place for Shu Chan.

Only now, he wasn’t just Shu Chan. He was also Shuichi Shindou.

He sat on the couch, head in hands. He felt like the inside of his head was being pulled in two different directions. There wasn’t enough room in his head for two people, and that is how it felt. Shu Chan and Shuichi Shindou were battling to see which won. He didn’t know which he wanted to win.

Part of him did want to know who he had been, what he had done before. He wanted those gaps bridged, those missing blanks filled in. Another part of him said it didn’t matter because he had made a new life for himself, and so the past had no meaning in it.

Argh! He almost screamed in his mind, before heaving a deep sigh again. How come he could always drive himself mad when he was like this! Nothing like going into a flat spin in your thoughts as soon as you wake up to get the blood pumping!

He looked at the ipod. He snorted to himself, and reached out to it. No point trying to keep putting it off. He had said he would talk to Yuki today, well, tonight. He had to come to some sort of decision, some form of agreement within himself about all this.

He leant back and turned on the ipod. As the music began to drift through his senses, he closed his eyes. He would make a decision later.