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My Sun, My Supernova	By : ditchgospel Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 3283 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 19

Heaven on Earth

Gojyo adds the final touch with one dab of red ink on Hakkai's brow, and, a
brand new Genjo Sanzo is born. He stands awkwardly for a moment, dressed in
Sanzo's robes, as Gojyo does a last minute inspection.

"Not bad, Hakkai. Or should I say, Sanzo?"

Hakkai's smile is more like a grimace as he replies.

"Ah, I really must admit that I don't feel comfortable doing this. It feels
almost... blasphemous in a way, not to mention the fact that we're going
behind Sanzo's back with a plan that he may very well disapprove of."

"Yeah, well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? Anyway, it's for his
own good. Besides, since when has Sanzo ever been against a little bit of
blasphemy?"

"Well, we'll soon find out if I can pull off this impersonation all the
way."

"Don't worry 'bout it, you'll do fine."

A shadow seems to pass over Gojyo, suddenly darkening his lighthearted
optimism.

"Hakkai, do you think some of Sanzo's craziness is starting to rub off on
Goku, or something? Is that even possible? It's just... with the way they were both
carrying on earlier... and Sanzo... Sanzo's falling apart, man. He
didn't even know that he smokes, for fuck's sake. What's up with
that? It's... it's scary, you know? We're really losing him, and I'm
not ashamed to say that it's damn scary."

For a moment, Hakkai does not respond, as he again replays in his mind the
scenario from breakfast.

"Hmm. If I were to hazard a guess concerning Goku... It is true that his mental
stability may have been detrimentally affected, however... I would almost have to
say that he has simply fallen into whatever method works best for him when
trying to deal with Sanzo's circumstances. Goku is doing his best to cope, while
at the same time trying to guide and hold together an apparently increasingly
confused Sanzo."

"So... you mean... you think he's just playing along with Sanzo's little
delusions? But... how much longer can they go on like that? How bad is it gonna
get?"

For this, Hakkai has no answer, and simply shakes his head.

XXX

Not surprisingly, Hakkai is able to pull off a fairly decent impersonation of
a Buddhist monk. With his polite and friendly demeanour, it isn't difficult for
him to leave a good impression on those he comes into contact with. Perhaps his
performance is lacking Sanzo's charismatic persona, but never the less it seems
to prove satisfactory for their intended purposes.

They had debated over the matter of whether or not Gojyo should be seen with
him. It wouldn't make their task of discouraging the nasty rumours any easier if
anyone were to recognize his demonic heritage, but on the other hand, it's more
sensible to travel as a pair than to have Hakkai work alone, due to the
possibility of enemy attack. Especially since they have no idea what kind of
plans the enemy may be brewing in regards to the psychic attack against Sanzo.
Then there is also the question of leaving Goku and Sanzo behind at the inn. So
far, Sanzo hasn't shown any indications that he's planning on running off or
doing anything truly bizarre or dangerous, yet, but if he does,
it's pretty safe to assume that Goku will be right on his heels. They can't
trust Goku to be able to talk any sense into Sanzo, and can't be sure if he
would even make the attempt.

In the end, they decide to take a chance, and Gojyo simply covers the
telltale colour of his hair by tying a bandanna over his head.

XXX

The trip west is about to resume, and the four travelers gather together
outside in preparation to depart. Hakkai and Gojyo observe with alarm how jumpy
and confused Sanzo appears to be, as he practically clings to Goku like some
kind of a lifeline. They stand by uneasily and watch as Goku is even forced to
convince Sanzo that it is really okay to ride in Hakuryu turned jeep.

After this curious exchange, Hakkai gets Konzen's attention, and holds out to
him a cloth item.

"Sanzo, would you please wear this headband? It'll conceal your chakra and
help disguise your identity."

At this point, tired of having weird things shoved in his face in an even
weirder world, Konzen's confusion becomes readily tinted with irritation, and he
ends up crossing his arms and snapping at Hakkai petulantly in
response.

"Hmph. Why?"

"Well, because it would be best not to attract any unnecessary attention to
yourself right now."

Gojyo chooses this moment to sidle up, resting an arm on Hakkai's shoulder.
The chance to add his ten-cents worth in this situation is just too good to pass
up.

"And, because we say so, Sanzo. No headband, no lighter. How's
that for a deal, huh?"

The half-demon follows his remark up with a crimson wink.

Anger flares up behind Konzen's borrowed eyes, but he is still too shaken to
easily express himself, and it quickly dies down into merely an indignant
glare. Finally, Goku comes to the rescue.

"Here, Hakkai. I'll do it."

He takes the headband and quickly ties it around Konzen's head, pauses, and
then spends an extra moment in arranging the beloved blond locks around it
until he's satisfied with the final results. When finished, he offers Konzen an
encouraging smile, not stepping back from the close proximity required for tying
the headband.

"There. Now we all have one. Well, I guess mine's a little different,
but still, we're close enough."

Looking rather doubtful and disapproving, but none-the-less resigned to his
headband fate, Konzen averts his eyes from Goku's gaze, which is presently
fixated on him. There is something in Goku's eyes that he has never seen
there before, something deep and intense, something that burns with a strange
kind of fire, so very different from the childish devotion he has come to
expect. Suddenly, Konzen finds it makes him feel both uncomfortable and excited
all at once, and his sense of confusion multiplies tenfold in response.

Turning away from Goku and those mysteriously mesmerizing eyes, Konzen
mutters grumpily.

"Hmph. It's not like I want the damn lighter anyway."

Goku just laughs lightly.

"Yeah, right, and I don't want to eat any more than one bite per meal!
Come on!"

He grabs Konzen by the hand and leads him to the jeep, where the two of them
settle into the back seat together, much to Gojyo and Hakkai's surprise at the
sudden change in seating arrangements. Gojyo rather tentatively takes
the front seat, almost as if expecting to find a gun pressed up against the back
of his head for such a transgression. Strangely, he is almost
disappointed when Sanzo makes no complaint.

XXX

The abnormal level of silence in the jeep is almost eerie. Gojyo longs to
break it, but the entire atmosphere is so different now, that he does not even
know how to go about it in a way that won't just make things worse. He merely
falls into the routine of passing back the lighter every time he himself uses
it, and Goku is always the one to take it from him on Konzen's behalf, Konzen
himself still stubbornly refusing to participate that freely in the unwanted
activity of smoking. The occupants of the front seat watch curiously in the rear
view mirror as Konzen each time resists the offered cigarette, only to
eventually give in when the addiction gets its way. As an experiment, Gojyo even
tries withholding the lighter, only to have Goku request it from him.

Not once does Goku whine about being hungry or make any complaints
whatsoever. He and Konzen will occasionally talk together in low tones, and
appear to be quite absorbed in whatever it is that's going on between them.

Eventually, Konzen, strained from the overwhelming turn of recent events, and
not used to living in a mortal body in the lower world, simply falls asleep,
leaning against Goku. Goku sighs, wrapping his arm securely around his treasured
companion. He has been trying to remain calm for Konzen's sake, but now, given
the chance, he realizes how shaken he really is. He finds himself glad of this
opportunity to just relax, without having to constantly attend to Konzen.

Sanzo's rejection this morning had been bad enough, and now with having to
deal with Konzen's sudden and unexpected appearance as well, Goku is weary,
shocked, and just plain stressed out. As he lets his mind drift freely now, he
spends some time unsuccessfully trying to conjure up any actual memories of life
before the cave, life spent with Konzen. He eventually gives up, deciding that
it doesn't really matter anyway. Konzen is here now, and he knows who he
is even if he doesn't have any actual memories. It's like the memories
are there, only invisible. He can feel them, but they just can't
be seen. A spark of happiness ignites in his heart. He actually has a
chance to see Konzen again, to rekindle that relationship from so long ago. The
opportunity is a golden one, indeed, an opportunity as bright as the sun
itself.

However, in the next moment his thoughts are with Sanzo, and that spark of
joy becomes a flame of sadness and worry. When will he see Sanzo again? What
will become of their relationship when he does, and is Sanzo even going to be
okay? Does getting Sanzo back mean that he will have to lose Konzen as a result?
What is it that Sanzo needs Konzen to do, and how can he himself help? So many
questions, and he has no answers with which to comfort himself.

Instead, he turns to the one beside him for comfort, the one who now shines
doubly bright, for he is no longer one, but two, both Konzen as
well as Sanzo. Goku closes his eyes, resting against his heavenly companion, and
allows sleep to steal his concerns away.

XXX

The next week is, for Konzen, a whole new experience of awakening. Everything
about this world he now finds himself thrust into is so vivid, so alive,
more so than Heaven ever was. There is just so much, so much texture, so
much richness and fullness to this world. The sensations and emotions are almost
overwhelming, threatening to overload his senses with their intensity.

And then there is Goku. His little monkey boy is all grown up, and has
become so very protective of him, that it almost feels as if their roles of
keeper and pet have been reversed. Goku hovers tirelessly over Konzen, helping
him to adapt and adjust to this new life as best he can, to the point where he
is almost, in a way, shutting Hakkai and Gojyo out. For their part, Hakkai and
Gojyo have come to the conclusion that Sanzo is entering a new stage of
insanity. His behaviour, as far as they can determine, has so far gone from
dangerously malicious and destructive, to suicidal, to subdued and restless, and
now, apparently, he has even lost his grip on his own identity. They are
forced to worry about what state he will fall into next.

XXX

The journey takes them through a few days where they are forced to camp out,
before finally reaching the next town. The sky is dark and overcast as they make
their way through the streets on foot, seeking out an inn for shelter from the
approaching rain. This is the very first storm Konzen has ever experienced. He
does not understand the reason for the hurry his companions seem to be in as
they rush to acquire lodgings, their eyes anxiously watching the sky. They pass
through a marketplace, the people there scurrying to protect their goods from
water damage and wind. A girl shrieks as thunder crashes loudly, like an
explosion of the air.

Konzen jumps at the sound, his eyes darting nervously as he unconsciously
moves closer to Goku. Goku casts him a look, part amused, part questioning, and
takes hold of Konzen's hand. Konzen glances at Goku, repressing his inclination
to shake off the boy's touch, which he has already become accustomed to and learned to accept. Goku's touch now is not so much
playful and demanding of attention as it was in Heaven, but more in reassurance and
guidance, protection and comfort. There is often a lingering quality to his
touch now that Konzen does not understand. It is as if Goku is both offering
something and at the same time asking for something in return. There are
unspoken words in Goku's touch, and Konzen does not know how to read them, or
how to respond.

Thunder sounds again, this time drawn out and rumbling deeply. Gojyo grins in
anticipation, exclaiming with charged excitement.

"Whoo-eee! It's gonna be a soaker! We'll be drowned rats in a second
if we don't find a damn inn!"

Hakkai is forced to raise his voice in order to respond over another clap of
thunder.

"It can't be helped! But perhaps we could increase our pace a little!"

Gojyo grins again, and the group falls into a fast walk, Hakkai and Gojyo
leading the way.

A flash of lightning dances fiercely across the sky, and Konzen stops in his
tracks, breaking free of Goku and covering his ears against the onslaught of the
storm. His eyes are wild, his heart pounding in his chest as an internal storm
of frightened anger and confusion begins to brew within him. He lashes out with
his own verbal thunder and electric eyes.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Gojyo and Hakkai turn to Konzen in surprised concern, and Goku places a hand on
his arm, trying to coax him to relax.

"It's just a storm, you know, with thunder and rain. Didn't you have
storms in Heaven?"

Konzen stares at him a moment, and then shoves his hand away in embarrassment. So this
is a storm. It feels more like the world is crashing down around him, but it
isn't anything to overreact about. He throws a response at Goku, while in the
process of trying to recollect his dignity and composure.

"No. Never. Just clear skies, forever."

Goku blinks in wonder.

"Whoa, Heaven must be really boring."

For Konzen, this simple remark affects him more than Goku ever intended it
to, striking deep with the sharp blade of truth. A bitter laugh chokes up in
Konzen's throat.

"Ah, Goku, you don't know the half of it."

They can hear the rain seconds before it hits them, striking rooftops as it
approaches like an advancing wall of water. In moments, they are drenched.

"Aww, yuck! Like I said, drowned rats!"

"Then let's make like rats and scurry, shall we?"

In total agreement with Hakkai's suggestion, Gojyo begins to run ahead. Goku
laughs in delight, grabbing an indignant and thoroughly soaked and disgusted
Konzen by the hand once again and dashing after Gojyo. Hakkai waits until
the two pass him by, and then brings up the rear.

XXX

Shelter is found at a cozy little inn at last, and our four drowned rats
proceed to make themselves at home. Konzen, his hair still slightly damp, stands
at the window, staring out at the rain as it pours down from the sky, covering
the street and pounding against the glass. Now that he doesn't actually have to
be out in the storm, he finds himself fascinated by this awesome
spectacle of nature.

He casts a glance over at the table, where the other three are currently
engaged in a game of cards. He had tried playing with them a few nights ago,
rather reluctantly, but hadn't found it to his liking. Not to mention the fact
that Kenren, or rather Gojyo, had treated him as if he were a child, both
perplexed and amused that Sanzo had apparently forgotten the rules.
Konzen had ended up having a fit of frustration and thrown the cards down onto
the ground, which had pissed Gojyo off.

Now, to Gojyo and Hakkai it is almost a relief to see him silently brooding
at the window during a storm. The behaviour is so very Sanzo-ish, that it
serves to reassure them that at least something about the man hasn't
changed, even if it is a behaviour that was in itself never very mentally
healthy to begin with.

Eventually, dusk turns to night, and the downpour dwindles to a steady
drizzle as Gojyo and Hakkai retire to their adjoining room. Left now with only
Konzen and the sound of the rain, any cheer that Goku had been holding onto
quickly fades away. He doesn't mind the rain, but he
hates what it always does to Sanzo, and apparently, to Konzen as well.
It's just not fair, he thinks. Why does something as simple as a little bit of water
falling from the sky have to cause so much trouble? Don't Sanzo and
Konzen realize that no matter how heavy the torrent, it will never be
enough to extinguish their shining light?

Goku leans on the table, resting his head on his arms. Occasionally,
lightning will illuminate the dimly lit room for an instant, silhouetting Konzen
against the window and throwing his shadow upon the wall. Goku sighs, feeling
suddenly lonely and downcast. Konzen turns to him at the sound.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

Konzen frowns, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"What's the matter with you, monkey?"

"What's... with me? I was just wondering... Konzen, why do you hate the
rain, when you didn't even have rain in Heaven?"

Konzen studies Goku's serious and troubled expression for a moment, the
slight frown remaining on his face.

"I don't hate the rain."

Now it's Goku's turn to frown.

"You... you don't? But... but I thought... Sanzo hates the
rain. I thought you hate it too."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, 'cause you're just standing there, at the window, like he always does,
and... and... I hate it. I can't stand seein' you like this, and
I'm so sick of it, too."

Goku turns away, burying his face in his arms and swallowing the desolation
rising in his throat. Unseen by him, the frown gradually fades from Konzen's
face. From the direction of the window, a soft yet demanding question reaches
Goku's ears.

"Why does Sanzo hate the rain?"

With a sniff, Goku raises his head. Konzen is looking at him with a sharp and
considering eye.

"Umm... 'Cause... 'cause it makes him think of somethin' bad that happened once.
He doesn't like to talk about it, but... every time it rains, he gets all cranky and
moody. I hate it."

"Listen, Goku. I don't hate the rain. I'm not Sanzo, and I don't hate the
rain. I was only watching it, because it's interesting. I like the rain,
Goku. I like the rain."

Goku can only stare in disbelief, as if a small miracle has just taken
place.

"You... you do? You don't hate it?"

Konzen shakes his head, but Goku is not quite satisfied. He wants to be
sure, needs to be sure.

"You mean it doesn't make you feel bad? At all?"

Again, Konzen shakes his head, the corner of his lip twitching up in a
forced, semi-smile.

"I said, I like it. What part of that didn't you understand, stupid
monkey brat?"

He hardens his gaze, and lets the frown creep its way back onto his face.
Goku doesn't care, for Goku is smiling, now. The clouds have parted to
let the light shine through once again.

As Konzen watches Goku, a subtle, yet significant, change comes over the
bright, happy look on Goku's face. What Konzen is faced with now is something
much more... alluring, both inviting and teasing all at once. The
reflection of the flame from the candle flickers hypnotically in the boy's shiny
eyes, and suddenly Konzen finds himself strangely spellbound. A shiver of
something that is not fear raises goose bumps on his skin. When Goku speaks
next, it startles Konzen, but not enough to break the hold Goku has over
him.

"You know what I like, Konzen? I like the way Sanzo doesn't
call me 'stupid' anymore. I like how he doesn't hit me anymore, either.
And... I like the way me and him could touch each other, too. But
you know what, Konzen? You're right, you're not Sanzo. I think you
still have a lot to learn about what I like and don't like. But... I can
teach you. I can show you."

Konzen swallows hard, a feeling of warmth inexplicably burning under his
skin. He tries to tell himself that this is Goku, the annoying, dirty, bratty little monkey boy that the old hag had forced into his keeping.
Goku, a child under his care. But... that is no longer the case, is it?
Goku is no longer that little boy, clinging to him with childish, needy hands,
bringing him flowers and messing up his desk. Goku has grown up.

A rush of mixed emotions momentarily consumes him as he stands by the window,
gazing at Goku. Part of him is so sad to have lost that little Goku from
long ago, whom he was forced to leave. Another part of him tells him that
everything is all right, because Goku is safe, and Goku is here, with him
now. Yet another part is confused, because what is it that he feels for the boy
now, now that he no longer needs to play caretaker and parent guardian to the
beautiful golden-eyed creature? Beautiful? Did he just think of
Goku as beautiful?

Konzen forces his eyes to close, trying to set himself free, and leans back
against the window frame. After a moment, a warm touch on his cheek makes him
hiss in surprise, and he snaps open his eyes, only to find himself face to face
with Goku. Without thinking, he strikes out, hitting Goku hard across the face.

"Oww! Konzen!"

"Don't sneak up on me like that, you... you stupid, idiotic
monkey!"

Holding a hand to his stricken cheek, Goku pouts.

"Man, you're not learning anything. Maybe you're the stupid
one."

Goku smiles cheekily, and then sticks out his tongue. Konzen sneers.

"Why you little... I ought to..."

"You oughtta what? Hit me again? I might've called you
stupid, but at least I would never hit you. I would never wanna hurt
you."

Suddenly recoiling as if he had been struck, Konzen goes pale.

"Goku, I..."

"Never mind. He never says he's sorry, and I don't think you do
either. It's okay. I accept that."

Konzen looks away, feeling defeated and somehow drained.

"I wasn't going to apologize."

"I know."

"I was just... I don't want to hurt you."

Goku just sniffs.

"I know. But... sometimes... I think you forget. You both do. But that's okay.
That's just you, right?"

Hesitantly, Konzen's eyes seek out Goku's. A somewhat shaky moment passes
between them in silence, until finally Goku smiles, his face relaxing.

"Never mind. I don't wanna fight anymore. Lets just go to bed now, 'kay?"

Konzen nods, grateful for the lightening of the mood between them. Minutes
later, as he slips into bed, the mood tenses up again, as Goku slips in beside
him and snuggles close. Konzen quickly pushes Goku away from him.

"What are you doing, monkey? Get to your own side of the bed."

"But... I wanna show you."

"Damn it Goku, show me what?"

"What I like. I wanna be close to you."

"Well, I don't, and you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because... just because, all right?"

"Sanzo lets me."

Konzen regards him critically for a moment.

"Just what kind of relationship do you and Sanzo have?"

"A good one! Lemme show you."

Again, Goku snuggles his way up to Konzen, getting as close as he can before
coming up against Konzen's stubborn wall of resistance, made evident by the
tensing up of his body. Goku sighs contentedly, happily breathing in
Sanzo's scent, and for a moment an odd feeling nags at him, as he ponders
on the fact that this is actually Sanzo's body. He shrugs it away, and
wiggles closer to the other, who responds by trying to move away from his
advance.

"Hey, Konzen. How am I supposed to show you, if you don't let
me?"

"Show me what?"

"This."

Without further ado, Goku leans in for a kiss, pressing his lips to Konzen's.
In response, Konzen stops breathing, shocked by the unexpected action.
Encouraged by the fact that Konzen isn't resisting, Goku molds his body against
the one next to him, attempting to deepen the kiss as one hand slides
down to caress Konzen's hip. At the touch, Konzen stiffens nervously, and Goku raises his head, puzzlement and disappointment splashed all over his face as he questions Konzen.

"What's wrong?"

"Goku... I... I don't think... this is right."

"What do you mean, not right?"

"I don't think you and I are meant to be...together like this."

"But... why?"

"I'm supposed to be looking after you, Goku. It would be wrong, if I
were to..."

Konzen frowns, shaking his head slightly in frustrated confusion. Goku, growing irritated, demands a clearer explanation.

"Wrong? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Goku, listen. You were like a child. I was taking care of you."

"But... that was then. That was a long, long time ago. This is
now. I'm not a child anymore. I'm not. And I know what I want,
Konzen. I want you, and I know it isn't wrong. I know it."

Konzen sighs.

"Goku... no. Maybe you know what you want, and it's good you're so
sure of yourself, but... I'm not. I'm... I'm not ready. Just sleep now, okay?"

For a moment Goku looks as if he might protest, but then he just lays his head
down innocently on Konzen's chest, much to the fallen god's relief.

"'Kay, you win, for now. But I think you're wrong."

"Shut up and sleep."

"Konzen? Will you call me your 'little monkey' from now on?"

Konzen snorts.

"Why would I want to do that?"

"'Cause I like it. Sanzo calls me his little monkey."

"I'm not Sanzo."

"I know. Just... just don't call me stupid anymore, please?"

"Hmph. I said go to sleep."

"'Kay. Konzen?"

"What now?"

"I... never mind."

"Fine by me."

But even as he drifts off to sleep, his arms around his Konzen, he can't help
finishing the sentence off silently to himself in his thoughts.

'I really miss Sanzo.'
- 18
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My Sun, My Supernova